Home > Parents > Letting Go: When Alienated Parents Give Up

Letting Go: When Alienated Parents Give Up

Letting Go: When Alienated Parents Give Up 

Letting Go

When a parent endures parental alienation, various emotions materialize.  Some are angry and others feel helpless.  On the other hand, a number of rejected parents evolve into dedicated empowered advocates, but just as many are depleted both physically and financially. Some parents may ask, when do I let go? Clearly, alienated parents (also known as rejected parents) are grieving parents.  In 2002 Dr. Richard Gardner wrote, “For some alienated parents the continuous heartache is similar to living death.” Sadly, for many rejected parents, the sorrow never ends.

Most are familiar with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grieving.  First is Denial.  Denial is not recognizing reality.  As noted by Dr. Gardner (2002), denying reality is obviously a maladaptive way of dealing with a situation.  In fact, denial is generally considered to be one of the defense mechanisms, mechanisms that are inappropriate, maladaptive, and pathological. Obviously, it is hard to deny that one is a rejected parent. However, at times, it may seem easier to deny that the situation is not real. To deal with the unreal, some parents may resign.  Studies indicate that some rejected parents, similar to survivors of domestic violence, become passive. (Kopetski, 1998).

Anger is another stage of the grieving process.  However, underlying anger is hurt and a loss of power and a loss of control over a situation or an event. Unquestionably, alienated parents become angry as their cases are dismissed and their cause is mocked.  Third, is bargaining. As an example, a bargaining parent may believe if they try hard enough, or say the right thing, his or her child will suddenly have a change of heart. Fourth is depression. Self-blame, hopelessness, and despair consumes their thoughts. The fifth stage, is acceptance. Clearly, rejected parents do not happily accept their plight, but they may be forced to give up “the fight.”  That is, some may cho0se to loosely let go.    

It is vital though, to consider what letting go signifies.  Letting go is not to cut oneself off, it’s the realization that one person can’t control another. As applied to parental alienation, one cannot force an ex-spouse to cease his or her hate campaign. Secondly, letting go is not to deny, but to accept.  Acceptance is realizing that some ex-spouses refuse to co-parent.  Some alienating parents intend to turn the child against the other parent–permantely. They stop at nothing.  One study depicts this unfortunate, but true, reality, “a minority of parents who suffer from personality and mental disorders may ignore the court and spend their waking hours finding ways to exhaust the other parent emotionally and financially” ( Jaffe et al. 2010). Yes; you may realize that you, or a loved one, are in the minority.

Parents may also have to accept that they may be blamed for the rejection– blamed not only by family and friends, but blamed by society.  No one likes to point fingers these days, after all;  it is socially unacceptable.  As noted by Dr. Richard Warshak (2011), attributing a parent-child problem to both parents, when one parent is clearly more responsible for destructive behavior, is a misguided effort to appear balanced and avoid blame.

When to  let go?  First and foremost; it is personal.  Dr. Warshak’s book, Divorce Poison (2010), notes that the parent may see no viable option other than to let go of active attempts to overcome the problem.  As a caveat, he notes, “I just urge all alienated parents and relatives, and all therapists who work with these families, not to wave the white flag of surrender too soon.”  He offers seven suggestions about the possibility of letting go. One suggestion is when all legal channels to improve the situation have been exhausted.

Some parents, unfortunately, have discovered the aforementioned exhaustion. As  Dr. Amy Baker reported, “alienating parents did not respect the court orders, the attorneys were not interested in or able to force the alienating parent into compliance. Apparently, once the alienating parent determined that this was the case, noncompliance became the order of the day.”  Rejected parents know all too well, that non compliance works. A second suggestion by Dr. Warshak is when, “your ex is so disturbed that a continuing battle could provoke him or her to violent action against the children or against you or other members of your family.”  Clearly, not all rejected parents have the funding to continue the battle.

As a conclusion, should you come into contact with a rejected parent it may be helpful to offer grace for his or her grief.  Each and every rejected parent differs in his or her stage of sorrow.  They will also display unique feelings.  Some may feel  discouraged, dejected, and depressed. Or, others may feel angry and outraged.  If the parent recently read about parental alienation, and discovered there is a name to the irrational rejection; they may feel relieved.  Perhaps, they are baffled, broken, and bewildered. If they have pleaded with the courts for 15 years, they may feel helpless and guarded. When their families blame them, they may become withdrawn and detached.  Regardless of the stage or feeling(s) that accompany the pain of parental alienation, rejected parents require empathy, exultation, and esteem.

Categories: Parents
  1. Gina
    November 20, 2011 at 7:29 AM

    As a result of my ongoing experience with parental alienation ( of which I am lucky enough to have had the courts intervene within the critical initial 6 month period) I can not stress enough the valididity and importance of empathy. Unfortunately empathy is all too often in short supply these days as we as a nation have, in my opinion, become preoccupied with litigation, blame and self importance. While we all have moments when we are not at our best it is my sincere hope that every parent both strives to be and takes solace in our role as stewards for our children. We learn what we live and if we truly try each day day to be the best person we can be I believe our children will, despite inevitable stumbles and disconnects, grow into adults who have the wisdom and discernment to see the real truths in the tapestry that is their life. I have felt almost incapacitating fear, struggled with despair of the unfairness of the situation and felt my blood boil in anger…alll of these feelings remain on the fringe of my conciousness waiting for the moment to reestablish themselves but they had their time and ran their course and I try to remain vigilant to recognize when those emotions seem ready to reemerge so that I may deal with them accordingly. Grief is not weakness and acceptance is not capitulation it is part of an essential healing process that must take place if we as parents are going to be the examples to our children that Christ has given us the blessing to be.
    Know you are not alone and if you have the interest take a moment to study the definition and meaning of Agape love. It’s not easy…

    • sassafrass
      December 6, 2015 at 12:31 AM

      Thank you. Really needed this right now. Just painful to watch a person mentally abuse my son and there’s nothing I can do

      • Max
        February 3, 2016 at 4:49 PM

        I am at the acceptance state that there is not much more I can do to stop the mental abuse that my ex husband puts my daughter through, and even more so he completely ignores the courts order to not alienate the other parent, but here I am being alienated. I don’t want to leave my child because I love her so much but if I have to live with being broken down and degraded every single week while I am doing everything I can to build my little girl up only to have it torn down again when she is with her dad, it makes me feel hopeless helpless and like just packing my shit and going to be where I am loved by family. It’s heart breaking, and I am pretty sure I understand the last straw because I felt it break inside my heart and it says run, run to where you are loved. But I can’t leave her she is my love and the reason I live and fight for her constantly. What a mess.

  2. November 20, 2011 at 7:36 AM

    Gina, well-written. You are correct about empathy. Also, far too many rejected parents have not had their pain validated. Beautifully stated, “Grief is not weakness and acceptance is not capitulation” Best Regards

    • nick
      January 12, 2016 at 11:17 PM

      I am a father of two girls. I began my journey as a divorced father when they were 7,5. 50/50 custody. They are my world. Alienation took my youngest at the age of 12. She is currently 14. Ive seen her in passing twice since then. I was a confident man and motivated. I write this to share the effects I experienced and still experience. The loneliness is overwhelming. That no one understands your pain and talks as though they understand is insulting. Though you have to look past that or your anger will poison you especially if it is your own family doing the blaming as though your a bad parent. You must find a coping mechanism that is healthy right away or you will develop a bad habit to cope and that will destroy you. Watch your finances carefully cause the attitude of hopelessness can cause you to get sloppy and when you get better youll be broke. Dont expect others to understand it’s a waste of time. Move forward but never forget. The kid you have memories of seems gone and makes you sad, as though you were robbed. But I hold on to the last ti me I saw her look up at me with that silly smile and we laughed together. I’ll never forget that. To all parents going through this , as some may seem weak as they deal with this, we are stronger than most, we were meant to give up and surrender but yet we move on and live, though are hearts are heavy, we continue with the hope that one day we will be reunited. We continue to fight the images and blame. We know who we are, we are loving, courageous, fearless, we are the parents of a alienated child. Take care all of you out there, sincerely a loving father. P.S. I love you selen.

      • Renee
        January 15, 2016 at 5:34 PM

        Very well said Nick. I pray for us all.

  3. paul
    November 20, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    This post is timely for me. Never the white flag, but perhaps a greater sense of acceptance.

    thank You

  4. November 20, 2011 at 3:09 PM

    Your blog post hits the bulls-eye for me, Monika. I went through the entire range of emotions you listed in your last paragraph, reconciling each one with whatever rational explanation most fit the circumstances.

    Notwithstanding the evidence that alienation extends long into the child’s adult life, similar to feelings of abandonment due to adoption, I confess that I drew a line about my attitude when my children became adults. While they were youngsters, living with their mother and more limited in their ability to reach out to me on their own, I considered them 100% innocent victims. But given the fact that they know where I am and how to contact me by phone or email, and they are now 26 and 31 years old, those alibis are now invalid. I am aware that they may not be free of their psychological bondage until their mother’s death.

    My conscience is clear. Theirs is a behavior I did not teach, nor set an example for. In this country, we have a tradition that people are innocent until proven guilty and we have a right to meet our accuser face-to-face and be presented with the charges against us. The parent alienation (abduction of the mind) that my children grew up with taught them that it’s OK to accuse, indict and convict your own father without confronting him to discuss whatever may be your rightful grievances.

    Several years ago, I came to the conclusion that each person’s lifetime is finite and precious, and I do not want to make what is left of my lifetime a relentless crusade to begin a relationship with two people whose behavior is exactly like their mother’s. I am not interested in photos of grandchildren I am not permitted to know in person, reminiscent of the annual school photos I received in the mail with the implicit greeting: “You can look but don’t touch.” or “See what you’re missing?” I simply don’t surround myself with that behavior in my friends, family or business colleagues, so buy children are no exception.

    Having said all that, the honest truth is that if the doorbell ever rings, my willingness to engage and recover relationships can be switched on immediately.

    • Kevin
      December 21, 2011 at 5:15 PM

      “””Several years ago, I came to the conclusion that each person’s lifetime is finite and precious, and I do not want to make what is left of my lifetime a relentless crusade to begin a relationship with two people whose behavior is exactly like their mother’s. I am not interested in photos of grandchildren I am not permitted to know in person, reminiscent of the annual school photos I received in the mail with the implicit greeting: “You can look but don’t touch.” or “See what you’re missing?” I simply don’t surround myself with that behavior in my friends, family or business colleagues, so buy children are no exception.”””

      Thanks Mr.Burnham…I’ve been a good dad and stating the obvious, not perfect. My ex was a stay at home mom (her choice) for eighteen years. She brainwashed from an early age, so consequently, the seed was planted and came to fruition when I left. When I left children (four) were either adults or late teens.

      I’ve spent the last six years crying and trying to build back relationships that I had no idea were already damaged prior, beyond repair. I’ve constantly had to justify myself and I feel as though I’m the child. I now have grandchildren and I feel exactly how you do with “you can look but can’t touch.”

      I’m tired and I agree life is precious. One thing I know is that nothing has worked for me so far. Conflicting feelings are always with me. I’m so tired of trying. And if I don’t try, it will be perceived as I am not caring. It can’t go on like this. Life is precious. They are all adults now. Parental alienation is a factor… but could part of it could be, as children who were abused like this are now in the entitlement generation. They are so self centered.

      Thanks… I am in the process of letting them go. Like you I would welcome them back in a minute.


      • Renee
        December 22, 2011 at 6:23 PM

        It caught my eye when you said “if I don’t try, it will be perceived as I am not caring.” My husband has said the same thing many times in regards to his teen daughter. He feels as he is in a lose-lose situation. No matter what he does his ex makes him out to be the bad guy. Looking back at the years my SD lived with us, I can hear her repeat the ugly things her mom said to her. We now realize that the ex has been trying to alienate this child for years. Reading about PAS and Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP), it’s almost as though both subjects were written with the ex in mind. Scary stuff for sure.

    • melinda
      July 3, 2012 at 2:15 PM

      Love this! and I agree with you totally!! Same thing the pictures, the notes, the fake smiles. There are the phone calls I call “courtesy calls” on the holidays, I am not willing to be treated this way and so off I go to live my own life be happy and let go. If my 2 boys cannot find peace within themselves they will never find peace. The resentment. anger and alienation they have for me will someday turn on them. and how sad is that!

      Best wishes Melinda

    • Bob Ingogly
      May 19, 2015 at 5:29 PM

      Well said Dennis… it is stunning how many other parents have almost identical experiences… PAS is a pandemic that needs to be recognized more in our legal system. It is a comfort in some ways to know I am not alone.

    • Dlp123
      May 30, 2015 at 11:30 PM

      Dennis, I am in a similar position you were in several years ago. I am a teacher and definafely agree the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction regarding the way children are parented these days. While I do believe typical parenting for my generation involved a little too much tough love, today’s parenting in contrast allows way too much leniency. I am the mother and the custodial parent of my son. I always allowed my son’s father to have as much time with our son as he wanted. We co-parented well together, or so I thought, for years. My son was also being brainwashed from a very early age without my knowledge. He and I were very close for over 13 years and now I’ve lost him. He has no interest in spending time with me and rarely answers my text messages. I’m so incredibly devistated and feel so isolated with few resources for support. Do you mind sharing what has happened with your children since your post from 2011? My father abandoned me when I was four. I can’t imagine ever alienating my son against his father after growing up without a father myself. I do hope you were reunited with your children or at least now have a sense of peace knowing you did everything you could to be a loving father to your children. Thank you.

      • July 27, 2015 at 6:27 AM

        I cannot believe how many of us moms are suffering this way. My beautiful baby daughter was raised by me for 16 years. dad was never around and didn’t pay support and didn’t ever call or see her. After a fight and a year of stressful anger between us, she moved with her father. Yes, the one who could not care less whether she had a pulse or not for 16 years! Who never helped her when sick, didn’t hug her or congratulate her or just send a “I love you” for nothing text. It was me, all me. She has been there for two months, and I have barely spoken to her. She stopped returning my texts and just sent a comment one day that said “Can you just leave us alone and let us live our lives?” “I really don’t want to hear what you are doing because its so boring and you know damn well that I’m fine.” “And mom, you need a dr. your sick.” This was right after her father said that i was mentally ill in a text to me. They were tag teaming me. I knew that day – I lost.That day I felt death. I mourned the loss of the idea of my daughter. Being my friend, my buddy my baby my daughter. I now try to just live my days without thinking about her. Not wondering, not questioning and know that for 16 years I kept my side so clean, I let her dad contact her if he wanted – he just never did. I kept the door open. He didn’t walk through until now and has managed to take 16 years of memories and love and a mommy and daughter connection and smash it to pieces by bad mouthing me. The thing that scares me most is enough time will go by and I think I truly won’ are for her anymore. I am so hurt and feel betrayed to the fullest. I am so loyal, and I don’t think I can ever be close to someone so unloyal to her own mother.

      • Lori
        July 29, 2015 at 1:50 PM

        Dearest one,
        I went through a very similar scenario and I am 2 years later with a new grandchild which I can not see because of the brainwashing involved.
        He abandoned my children as well and came back 12 years later to do the very same thing.
        It took s few months for that to end but whatever took place with him confused her so much that she doesn’t speak to me now.
        Pray every day for resolve and clarity.
        Try to remain strong and let her know from time to time that you love her regardless.
        I know it hurts more then most know and you have to show strength and move forward.
        They have the same memories we do and in time she will come around.

      • Tris
        July 29, 2015 at 2:01 PM

        I just cannot believe how many similar experiences to mine there are. For me after a stressful year of breaking curfews, crashing grades (A/B student to ALL Ds and Fs), going out with a much older crowd, using drugs and alcohol, quitting varsity sports…my 16 year old called his dad up and told him that “mom has gone crazy, grounding me for no reason” and his dad, who hasn’t been around him hardly at all for the past 12 years since our divorce and had spent literally ZERO time with him for the 6 months leading up to this, comes over to my house and gets him without even talking to me. Since then I have received some of my ex husband’s hallmark vile emails about what a terrible mother I am and how I have destroyed my son’s life. I have access to my son’s texts via a cloned iphone so I see that his dad has said things like “your mom is unstable, I have known that for years, I am sorry you are having to deal with this…it is good that you got away from her”, all while allowing our son to go out til 2-3am, and allowing him to have his girlfriend spend the night at his apartment, buying him condoms and beer. My son will barely speak to me. He has been back home a few times but since summer started he won’t stay more than a few days at a time because the “call of the wild” comes in from a friend wanting to “go out” and off he goes at 9p-10p at night saying “I’ll just go over to my dad’s since you won’t let me stay out late”. Now, it is my son using the alienation to his advantage. Comes over to mom’s for the meals and being in a clean nice home, then over to his dad’s when it’s party time. Dad is a piece of crap. Doesn’t give a you-know-what about where his son is/what he does…says “boys will be boys” and that “he needs a liberal environment within which to make his own choices and mistakes”. Anyway, that’s my story. He has been with his dad now for 2 weeks since we had our last mini-melt down when he was over at my house for 2 days and then left at 10pm to “go out”. To all of you going through similar experiences, my heart certainly goes out to you.

    • July 24, 2015 at 8:33 AM

      Hi Dennis
      I could have written this post myself !about my own situation, so you have a twin out there, London actually,
      I think you are a little further down the line than me with this terrible reality, but i am striving to to get there

      • August 4, 2015 at 6:08 PM

        This has been going on for years for me too, and it’s been helpful to read this, just not feel so alone. Thank you all for the posts (I sort of stumbled upon this — today is my son’s 40th birthday and it’s been a hard morning!) My sons and I couldn’t have been closer when they were growing up — they were both the all-American boys — and me, I was the mom who never missed any event or activity, I cherished every moment, every second of my life as their mom! I loved being their mom. Like others have posted, being a mom and grandma was the only thing I ever longed for in my life!

        I endured 8 major surgeries before I could conceive, even told I’d never have children. I wanted desperately to have a family and I prayed and prayed and prayer. I suppose it made me cherish every second of raising them. They never gave me a moment’s grief. They were good and loving sons.

        But after they were born, my marriage was a mess, due to a philandering husband. I stayed in the marriage 5 years longer than I should have stayed. After 17 1/2 years of marriage with a man who cheated, I stayed even longer because my sons were devastated when I told them their father and I needed to separate. So I put them first, and I stayed another 5 years in absolute torment, just to get my oldest son through high school (he took it the hardest).

        I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I loved the man I married, and I was faithful. I was an awesome mom to those boys. My sons supported me emotionally through that devastating time, and they were so loyal to me, they wouldn’t even spend the night with their dad after he left. Perhaps they felt betrayed because he betrayed me, so they’d been betrayed as well? I don’t really know, as I always said to them, “He’s your father, he loves you, and it isn’t about his love for you. This is between us, he’s still your dad.” So I would never discuss the ugly things he’d done to me or to others in his life. I worked 4 jobs, and I put them both through college without help from their father. I wanted them to have a father, so I felt it would be resented if I told them how devastating it was for me that he walked out and why.

        I thought he and I (the ex) had made a sort of unspoken peace with it as the years rolled by and I remarried. I moved on and have been happily remarried for 15 years. My sons and I were good, really good with each other, until the oldest got married and his wife and he have been estranged from us for the past 6 1/2 years (the second he met her, it all changed). They have two grandchildren we have never seen. It is devastating to me. I used to blame the daughter-in-laws for this, but my ex passed away this spring, and my sons were here for 2 weeks by his bedside — they didn’t even tell us they were in town, I read it on Facebook. I know there were things said about me and my family — as we were banned from going to any services for their dad (we wouldn’t have gone, unless they’d have wanted us to be there) but now they have both completely cut us out of their lives since his death. When someone dies, I think people often make them the hero, or a saint, somehow.

        It was my ex’s wish to cut me out of our sons’ lives, and he has indeed succeeded in that in his death. The boys must feel they are respecting his final wish — doing as he asked — to cut us out of their lives. I tried to see my oldest son the day his father died, and it did not go well. He broke my heart, but it gave me a great deal of closure too. He wouldn’t even remove his hands from his jean pockets to hug me. I now know that this isn’t about the daughter-in-laws at all — this is about grown men choosing to ostracize and alienate us from the lives we envisioned — with our holiday table strewn with turkey bones and pie crumbs, laughing grandchildren, and a lot of love. Somehow my hope was that my ex would do right by me, in the end, when he was facing death…. somehow he’d have his “Come to Jesus” moment and realize that life is short, he was leaving the physical earth, and that in order not to leave his children parentless he would come clean and confess his wrongdoings to me — at least tell them that it wasn’t right to cut me out, that I was a good mom and oh how I loved them — that they would need me to be in their lives, especially once he was gone. But alas, he chose the again, not to do right by me, and it appears he made it so much worse by leaving it all unsaid.

        After 6 1/2 years of daily grieving, I can now say, and with the help of a lot of counseling for both my husband and myself, we are making conscious choices to find happiness. We are investing time in the lives of those people who enjoy our company and who love us no matter what, but more importantly they allow us to love them. That is such a gift. It’s all we can do for now — that, and pray our way through days like this… It’s the holidays and the special events that are the most difficult. My dad used to always say, you have a choice each day to wake up and choose to be happy, or to wake up and look for the bad stuff (and there is always going to be something bad, if you look).” I purposely choose to be happy. Oh, yes, there is still some grief, just not the all-consuming kind, and on a day like today, my son’s 40th birthday, when this day 40 years ago was literally the happiest day of my life…. well, it is a difficult day. But it’s not impossible to be happy. I’m blessed in many ways, and the man I am not married to, is truly the love of my life. I can say that even through all of this, I would go through it all again, just to find him!

      • Miother of 44 years
        August 30, 2015 at 7:07 PM

        I regret to inform you that nothing will change. After 21 years of rejection, my son continues to retreat me as nothing. I thought he would show up for my 90 year old mother’s funeral. He did not. Not even a card showing sympathy. Everything I read 20 years ago implied that by me showing continual love and support my son would come to see the truth. I think the attorney was correct, “a family trait ” of rejection and abandonment. I send a birthday card honoring his birth to leave a door open. But I have stopped holding my breathe and praying for his return.Seventy year old mother with stage 4 cancer accepting of reality.

    • Coolingtampa@gmail.com
      September 14, 2015 at 6:47 AM

      Thanks for your story. I know the feeling so well. Grown kids live down the road and seldom call, never visit. I get pictures of grandkids off their facebook page. They know their mother is mentally ill and a hate filled person. However they are young “early 20’s” and fell into the same trap i did of trying to appease and fix their behavior to make their mother happy. It took me 20 years to realize nothing i did would fix her hate filled life. She isolated me and my kids from everyone with hate. My relatives and friends refused to come into my home. I stayed to protect my children from her sometimes violent outbursts until they were 19 and 21. I was told by lawyers several times ” she will get custody” if you divorce her. I think this long dysfunctional environment seriously affected the kids. I was and am still told i was their rock in the storm. But they still spend all hollidays and visit their mother and only contact me when life is hard. I dont talk about her or degrade her to them. But im told when i do have the honor of a chat with them, she still talks terrible about me, my deceased mother and brother and my living sister. I’m still having problems dealing with what i feel as rejection from people i gave many years of my life to protect from a crazy person. A lesson for anyone young if you will here it. If you love someone but get a feeling they have a serious mental issue, get away from them! Don’t waste your life trying to fix someone. Its a lost cause especially if they are a hate filled person.

    • sassafrass
      December 6, 2015 at 12:34 AM

      Well said…

  5. Mary
    November 20, 2011 at 4:28 PM

    I am thankful that for my significant other giving up was not an option. He has exhausted the courts and his finances, but is rebuilding his life and supporting his children. He will always be their father. It is hardest when he realizes that being even on the fringes of their lives means hurt for them. The mother tortures them emotionally, stirring up drama, not just in private, but publicly. He keeps his distance, but she does not. We walk away but both feel that completly abandoning them is disgusting. We plan carefully so we can financially support them in an appropriate and responsible way, we keep in touch with cards, notes and small gifts, and are building a family website to record what the rest or their family is about. I hope one day to get to know them. He knows that he will always be their father and that they cannot deny that. Even if he dies before they realize, he will leave to them a story of his love and support. The court system ( MA.) should be condemned! Not a caring,loving parent. Scrap it from bottom to top. It is a despicable mess. An abusers best weapon! Wish the “occupiers” would show up at divorce court .

    • Diane
      October 14, 2013 at 4:13 AM

      I could not agree with you more regarding the court system. I feel that the family court system was the catalyst in my ex’s success in alienating me from our son’s life. The “Family Court System” what a joke!!! Isn’t the whole premise behind that system to facilitate the best interest of a child? If so, how is it even remotely in a child’s best interest to not have contact with one of his/her parents?

      With the help of the court system my ex exhausted all my financial means to fight back and in that the courts may as well have handed my son over on a preverbal silver platter. Actually once my ex finally (after years of brainwashing) managed to have our son utter the words “I don’t want to live with my mommy anymore” that was it, it was all over for me!!! My ex tried to discredit me and prove me an unfit parent for years; unsuccessfully I may add but the day my son said those words at 11 years old my ex just stood behind him using him as a human shield having our son do all of his dirty work from that point on. The courts are completely useless!!! My son has not even seen my parents or any other family member or friends of mine since shortly after he stopped seeing me. My ex knew the only way his plan would be successful was to ensure no possible contact at all!!!

      I keep thinking this is terrible nightmare that I just need to wake up from. This emotional rollercoaster just keeps repeating itself like that movie “Groundhog Day” with Bill Murray. I am just so sick of feeling sad and mad and hurt and depressed and and and need I go on? As mentioned above “if I don’t try, it will be perceived as I am not caring.” I understand that feeling all so well. I do not mean any disrespect to any wonderful dad’s out there but I just feel as if society really looks down upon a mother who does not have access to her child(ren) as historically it has mainly been mothers having the children after marital break ups. Sadly, I think men may have been experiencing this for a long time but it just wasn’t identified as it is today. I think it is a relatively new phenomenon for mothers though at least to the degree it is happening today. I have one last comment about the infamous “Family Court System” the one with the most money will win especially when the imbalance is extreme!!!

      • DH
        February 7, 2014 at 12:09 PM

        went thru similar circumstances. my son moved with his dad at age 12. I have a sick elderly mom living with me. My son claimed he was just so stressed out and he was failing school. since then my son and my relationship has been rocky. he is told I do not love him, I do not care about him. brainwashed for 4 years. see him very little, its fun at his dads, no rules and he gets everything he wants! Still failing school too. I email my son, when he even bothers to read it. letting him know I love him, and miss him and he can visit whenever he wants. But he prefers being with his dad, they have the funds to go out to eat every night, go to movies, sporting events, concerts and other things nightly, even if it interferes with his sleep for school. he gets $50 a week to spend just because his daddy loves him. I just hope some day my son realizes less about material things and that he has a mom who does love him and tries her best to have a good relationship with him. so now I just live my life, enjoy friends, and my hubby, and keep myself happy and focused on positive things. It is sad when one parent feels their child is their property.

      • CMB
        December 2, 2014 at 3:05 PM

        I am going through parental alienation with my ex. We have 3 small children under the ages of 9 and their dad has alienated them from me. He got primary custody because he had the better attorney (prior to my ex and I seperating I was a stay at home mom so I had no financial help) and the court systems are ridiculous. He has got my children to lie to cyfd and police claiming child abuse. He has completely brainwashed my kids and now they want nothing to do with me and beg to stay with their dad when its supposed to be my time. My ex is a narcissist and will do whatever it takes to make my life miserable and he knows that using my kids is the only way he can get to me. I love my kids so much and miss them so much but I can’t deal with this anymore.

      • Karin
        December 3, 2014 at 2:04 PM

        I had a similar experience with my ex and the backwards backwoods podunks he networks with (former government employee and hometown ol’ boy.) I went through the process (GAL, home inspection, private interviews with the kids) and they found in my favor, so his buddies just refused to enforce. I have legal custody but haven’t been allowed to see my daughters in 3 years. That’s fine. For my girls, the torture has stopped. (For example, he used to call them at my home and tell them he was going to die alone in his house and nobody would even know because they lived with me.) If officers of the court want to stand with him, they’ll go down with him. My girls are turning 18 and will find their way back to me when and if they are ready. My focus for the next 18-20 years will be getting that badge of respect off of corrupt chests. The Mineola Swingers’ Case was real and I have the pictures to prove it, sacrificed chickens and all.

      • Adele
        April 15, 2015 at 11:26 PM

        Diane- I am going through this exact thing right now. I read your words and they are exactly what I am feeling about the current situation with my son. Thank you for making me not feel so alone.
        Do things can get better or easier? I’m so happy I stumbled onto this website.

      • Sad Momma
        April 23, 2015 at 2:21 PM

        I am going through this exact thing now as well. It has been going on for 2 months. It is just awful.

      • KathyC
        April 25, 2015 at 5:53 PM

        One bad judge determined the sad tragedy of a life my daughters now live. I’m pretty sure she was paid off somehow, the whole procedure was corrupt…this was years after having decent judges who threw out my ex husbands ridiculous claims and told him to not come back to their courtroom unless a reasonable change needed to be made.

        Then, the imaginable happened. Somehow

      • trisha
        April 26, 2015 at 2:13 AM

        Trish I wish I could do that. I did try but the area we live is too small. I feel a desperate need to move away.
        Sam you will certainly hear no judgement from me. Perhaps envy since you say you were able to let go. This experience is so psychologically damaging.
        Stephen. My heart breaks for you. I feel like we have all suffered so much in so many ways. Barbara I feel like your post was written by me. The only difference is I do not look at my boys on facebook. I did it once and the pain was too great.
        The loss of my children, my reputation, financial destruction. I lack that basic feeling we probably all took for granted that life is safe and everything will work out. It no longer matters that what my children have said is untrue. I blame myself that I did something in raising them that they would turn and hurt another this way. The guilt for failing to fix this and the ongoing suffering has created such a hole.
        I think I should have the right to feel peace again. I just cannot seem to make that happen.

      • Dlp123
        May 30, 2015 at 11:48 PM

        Oh Diane, I’m going through the exact same thing you described in your post from two years ago. I’ve lost my only child due to parent alienation. He’s 16 now and we were very close for over 13 years. I also relive the devastating announcement from my son regarding wanting to not only live with his father but also no longer have me in his life. My friends don’t know what to say. People can’t wrap their heads around the idea of children cutting their mothers out their lives while fathers are often unfairly and automatically judged based on whatever the alienating mothers say. I’m glad this site recognizes that all alienated parents and their children are victims.

        If you feel comfortable, do you mind sharing the current circumstances regarding your son? I pray you have experienced some resolution and justice for all you’ve been through!

      • Just Me
        October 30, 2015 at 3:29 AM

        A little back story..me and the ex were together 14 years , married 12 and a half. We had 2 daughters. I found out he was cheating. H e said he would not stop seeing her and packed our clothes. He put me and the girls in the road. A year to by before he wanted to see . He saw them a total of 24 hours during the next years time. During that time, he had a child with this girl. (she was 18, he was 32) . Over the next 5 years, he saw them like 2 or 3 times a year .

        Ok, so my oldest daughter was 16 when the alienation hit me . She had spent 2 weeks with him . I thought ok, he is trying . Well, he gave her a secret cell phone . Had her lying to me . I found the phone. She had hid it in the vent in the bathroom . I said something about it, she flipped out and said I am moving in with dad and Danielle (yep he married his mistress and they now have 2 kids) He came and got her . The courts would do nothing tomake her come back . I had sole custody for 6 years . He refused to bring her back . We went to court and instead of getting him for contempt they gave him custody

        She’s been gone over a year . Only calls when she wants something. I haven’t seen her in 3 months. When I do talk to her she’s so disrespectful . I hear things from my youngest daughter about how they always talk bad about me. They talk=about all the time . They have completely turned my oldest against me and they are trying to do the same to my youngest . . It’s killing me and there is not a thing I can do about it.

        Oh, you know when he came back in their lives? When I remarried and he said no other man was going to play daddy to his kids. He told them my husband was nothing to them.

    • mstfd
      January 19, 2016 at 7:48 PM

      Mary, when does an adult child held accountable on their own merits? Your husbands unconditional love is noble, however, disrespect and ill treatment of a parent is not acceptable.

  6. M. Annabelle Twilley
    November 20, 2011 at 6:27 PM

    The Grieving process is a natural, and essential one to cope with catastrophic events that cannot be changed. This includes the initial Denial when the facts confronting the person, are just too enormous to all be taken in. The final stage, Acceptance for all that has happened and that cannot be changed, is also the signal for a turning point in Life, a looking forward instead of backwards. I have been attempting to re-create my relationship with the child who accuses me of being abusive when she was young, but forgiving me although not to my face, as she denies me contact with my two grandchildren ( see, still a struggle as I relapse back into the staged of the Grief cycle), I write to her, blog, research ways to give gifts that cannot be returned ( to charities that have some meaning and a good record of accomplishment). I am now at the point where it is hard to continue to read of struggle and defeat, all those places I was and want to leave behind, in group postings, in my Network of Fcebook contacts, and on. I have only one face, I am not Janis, and I want my face to be oriented to the sun, not the dark of the past.

  7. gina
    November 20, 2011 at 10:38 PM

    Like all of you above, I have gone through all of the emotions. Grief is the hardest. My child’s aunt lost a child to death and the way I explained to her was that although I do not try to downplay her loss or hurt, I would think death would be easierthan dealing with my child living less than a half mile away and only wantingto see me every six months or so. I want to make sure one day he knows I didn’t choose to be out of his life. I had no choice. All I can do is keep myself busy and try to show and love to other children and my grandchildren.

    • Diane
      October 14, 2013 at 4:27 AM

      I totally agree with your analogy comparing the grief of a parent losing a child to death verses alienation. With our alienation comes rejection, the most extreme kind!!! Rejection in a typical relationship breakup is hard enough but the rejection from a child is just not fathomable. You can remarry or date again but your son or daughter will always be your son or daughter and only we can be their biological mom or dad…..there just is no substitute for that….there is NO closure. It’s an open wound that never heals over completely. Every time I see my son or hear about another milestone I have missed it’s like someone just pour acid (never mind salt) on my wound again and again!!!

  8. November 21, 2011 at 12:53 PM

    Great article and great discussion. Thank you, Monika, for your continued insights and willingness to help others.

    In the U.S. we’ll celebrate Thanksgiving in a few days. I think this is a perfect holiday to help in the letting go/acceptance process. One of the keys to letting go is to focus on all the things for which we are thankful. Despite my status as an alienated Dad, I’m thankful for many, many things — especially the many people in my life who supported me through the worst of my alienation experience. These people deserve to have me in their lives at my best — happy, healthy and with an optimistic view of the future. While my alienated son is never far from my thoughts, the ability to to not let parental alienation ruin my life was a key component in my ability to let go, move and and even help others through their alienation nightmares.

    There is a link to a speech I made on our website at http://www.afamilysheartbreak.com/resources. The speech is called Surviving parental alienation. Please check it out if you get a chance. I’m confident the message will resonate and help.


    mike jeffries
    Author, A Family’s Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation

  9. November 22, 2011 at 4:43 PM

    Monika, thank you for this article. It very nicely pulls together some of our thoughts about blame, empathy, letting go, and grief on our blog http://www.parental-alienation-blog.com. I’d like to guest post this on there, with your permission.

    • November 23, 2011 at 1:49 AM

      Jennifer, thank you. Letting go is necessary. As Mike Jeffries mentions, letting go is needed for the rejected parent to remain happy and healthy. It also includes acceptance of “what is.” However, letting go is not the same as giving up, letting go is simply giving oneself “a break.” Feel free to re-post.



  10. Renee
    November 23, 2011 at 7:21 PM

    Monika, thank your for posting this article. Although it is my stepdaughter who has abandoned her dad after living her first 16 years with him, I too am grieved as I helped raise her for 12 of those years. For the last 1 1/2 years, she has been residing with a woman (mother) who has never parented her, but has been her best friend all these years. This woman has done nothing but try to destroy my husband in every manner possible. Including vilifying him to his one & only child. I think my husband is somewhere between bargaining & self blame. I am beyond the self blame but angered over how my husband has been treated. I cringe when she calls him, asking for money for something. After each phone call he becomes depressed and we go thru the last 4 of the stages all over again. Is there anything I can do to help him off this merry-go-round? Thank you for your time.

    • November 23, 2011 at 10:35 PM

      Hi Renee, thank you for your comment! Your situation is frequently overlooked– the perspective of a stepparent. Often it is portrayed that stepparents are the one that start a campaign of hatred. This is unfortunate, as there are many wonderful stepparents that pick up the slack. They pick up the slack when the biological parent refuses to follow court orders, pay school lunches, does not adhere to drop off times, etc. instead, they focus his/her energy on being a friend and not a parent. They will not pay child support but they will purchase the latest video game. Without a doubt, they do not focus on the child, but spend time figuring out how to get even. It is exactly what you describe:…..” never parented her, but has been her best friend all these years.” Dr. Richard Warshak discussed this in his article, titled Remarriage as a Trigger of Parental Alienation. The merry-go-round may occur as according to one researcher, certain alienating parents, “spend their waking hours finding ways to exhaust the other parent emotionally and financially.” Consequently, this leaves one parent on the defense (the rejected parent) and the other on the offense. If courts have not helped in your case, coping and a support group may be an option. Self care is vital. The parental alienation awareness organization and Dr. Richard Warshak offers a lot of resources. Good luck to you!

      • Renee
        November 28, 2011 at 7:20 PM

        Thank you for your reply. It is nice to know that there are people out there who do recognize the stepparent’s role in raising children. Unfortunately for me, bio-mom started campaigning against me from the get go. It does hurt that my stepdaughter can’t see thru this charade. She is, after all,
        almost 18. I knew someday I would be portrayed as the “wicked step-mom”. Sure it hurts, but what hurts most is the way my stepdaughter treats her dad. Only time will tell if she is smart enough to see what’s really going on.

        There is, however, and upside to this situation. My husband & I are closer than ever & we have moved forward with our lives. I would be pretty confident to say that bio-mom can’t stand that.

  11. Kay Sell
    November 24, 2011 at 12:47 PM

    Dear Monika, I love your site. I guess my fight for my son has morphed into a fight for everyone’s children.

    Sophie stood in a long staggered line of people. Some stretched back and forth to see what was at the head of the line, but Sophie held the small hand of her son and cradled her daughter on her hip. She kept her head down, while shielding her children with prayers. A moment later, a patrolling Nazi Commandant caught her defensive darting eyes. The short transaction that followed was uneventful, compared to the blood and guts and “kill your whole family”, horror movies, of today’s standards. However, I can’t think of any more dreadful scene in film history.
    Meryl Streep won the Academy Award in “Sophie’s Choice”, for her ability to portray the brutal existence of an alienated parent after someone, with an obviously disturbed agenda, had taken her children from her. Sophie’s mind and soul became possessed with finding and saving her children. However, the deck was stacked, and every pebble of truth and humanity she found was yanked from her hands. She ruminated about how her children were building their own prisons and she was tormented by the ease in which the abuser destroyed young, innocent lives unabated. Sophie punishes herself relentlessly for crimes she did not commit, and also for the crimes against her children that she couldn’t stop. For the rest of her life, Sophie sought peace from the persistent whirling torture of guilt, exhaustion, despair, desperation, and the fear of acceptance.
    Audiences around the world embraced Sophie’s suffering in the setting of Germany 1942. Yet in America 2011, Society not only tolerates a parent’s pain of losing their children to Parental Alienation, but appears ambivalent to the reality that these children are being forced to build their own prisons. Within those life-long prisons, the young innocent ones will grow up never having the opportunity to live the lives they were born to live. Society replaces responsibility with the perception that the child is only “going through a stage”, and the alienated parent should just accept it.
    Accept what? Accept that your child will no longer be a part of your life? Accept that your child will no longer have the opportunities to live and love fully, like you have dreamed and worked for? Accept that your child will someday be the reason that someone else must endure the insufferable existence of an alienated parent. I can’t accept any of it.


    • Karin Jones
      February 4, 2014 at 1:42 AM

      I can’t accept it either. People tell me to just get over it, but I don’t know how. Every second of every day, their absence is all I can feel. He spent years setting this up and I was so stupid. My girls asked me not to send them to visit anymore and I gave them the speech about “Daddy deserves his time, too.” and explained how the law must be respected. He refused to return them on the next visit.
      While my ex is responsible for his own actions, so is law enforcement. Judges and police officers who violate federal and state laws to interfere with child custody face no repercussions. That makes the whole system guilty.

    • Dlp123
      May 30, 2015 at 11:59 PM

      Kay, I’ve never been able to watch Sophie’s choice especially now that I’ve lost my son due to parent alienation. Your post is heart wrenching and tragically accurate but also very empowering and one of the most validating descriptions of parent alienation I’ve ever encountered. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing your powerful message!

  12. phyllis
    November 28, 2011 at 2:25 PM

    About giving up; it has been 25 years. My adult children have continually berated and blamed me over the duration. I have had rare visits from them that dwindled to no visits 15 years ago from one of them. The other has popped up at intervals of a year or two at a time, only to start exhibiting hostility that she projects on to me, and them storm out. Over the last year this has escalated to her making contact with me to con, (yes, sadly, con) me out of some money before she fabricated a story of “my hostility” and made her customary angry exit. This year also, in our home, she physically assaulted her stepsister who then called the police. Then she texted me at some point with four texts, spilling out abusive language and telling me that if I ever contacted her again, she would file harrassment charges. Interestingly enough, her sister made the same assertion this year. I have tried to contact both of my children by phone once or twice a year. I suppose that is it then, time to let go. What else can I do; they are adults and they have both told me that they consider my yearly call to be harrassment. Yes, I know their minds are confused and yes, the father in this case was the architect of alienation. I am not naive; there are other factors, among them my own frailty. I dare say that the aggressor described in the Parental Alienation Disorder is an apt description of my ex-husband.

    About letting go, I don’t think I can expose myself any more to this; in truth I have come to fear my daughters. I almost want to disappear for the fear that their irrational hatred will culminate into a physical attack against me or my present family members.

    Is this what you mean by letting go? I have to let go.

    • December 1, 2011 at 4:52 PM

      Dear Phyllis, no one can decide for another when to let go. However, the topic is necessary, especially for “older” situations of PAS (parents that have been dealing with PAS for 10 years or more). And, the wait may continue on for years to come, as there remains a lot of debate around parental alienation (syndrome). This is unfortunate. I am reminded of a quote, “We know that men can be made to do exactly anything. It is all a question of finding the right means”—Jules Romains. Alienating parents have found the right means. If adults join cults, it seems absurd to dismiss the possibility that children cannot be coerced into rejecting a once loved parent.

      As you noted, your ex-spouse was the architect of the alienation. Most notably, you have dealt with this for 25 years. Also, each parent knows his/her own limits. Studies show and parents tell, that one of the hallmarks is the disrespect that favored (also known as the alienating parent) teaches to his / her child(ren). If disrespect is taught at a young age, it is likely to carry into adulthood. Some parents have had property destroyed, been physically attacked, or others, if they are “lucky” may have items missing from their home and given to the parent that overtly or covertly displays a pity party (the favored parent). If you can, get a copy of Dr. Warshak’s book, Divorce Poison. He discusses the topic of letting go. It is a tough process indeed. Best of luck to you.

  13. November 28, 2011 at 2:37 PM

    This resonates with me and my family. Unfortunately, after such a long time having a child withheld from our home, our love, our attention, and then having that same child hate us, after a while acceptance is the only road to take to heal ourselves (after all else fails, miserably)

  14. Pamela
    January 6, 2012 at 9:06 AM

    Thank you for this article! I’ve posted it on my facebook page and am doing my best to help inform others of this growing problem in our society.

    The biggest problem of all; most courts do not recognize the problem. My son has been battling for 4 1/2 years. We finally got our day in court only to have our attorney shaft us! 1st he didn’t even show up, sent another attorney from the firm that we had never had any contact with. 2nd he didn’t know our case and didn’t present over half of it even though we kept telling him what papers he needed and what questions to ask. He just wouldn’t do it. The Judge found her not guilty on all of the Contempt Charges even though we did prove she was in contempt of court. What is sad is no one is really looking out for the Children who are the most important ones.

    We have been really blessed that my grandsons don’t hate us. They know we love them and are fighting for them. As a matter of fact, the oldest one who is 8, knows exactly what his mom is doing and has made the statement several times that he is angry with her and when he is old enough to tell the Judge, he is going to tell him he wants to live with his dad.

    Kay, I love your comments! They are so so true!

  15. January 16, 2012 at 11:51 PM

    A Christian point of view on this subject:
    There was a reason God had honor thy father AND mother in the ten commandments. There was no conditions put on that commandment either. The bible does not state don’t honor your father or your mother if he is mean, unattentive, missed an event, didn’t give enough money, bought the wrong gifts, etc.

    Children, obey your parents in the Lord,[a] for this is the right thing to do. 2“Honor your father and mother…”[b] (This is a very important commandment with a promise.) 3“…so that it may go well for you, and that you may have a long life on the earth.” Eph. 6:1-3.

    I believe an alienating parent is removing the promise or blessing from God on these children by teaching them to hate the other parent. A loving parent would never do these things. A loving parent would never teach to love and respect the other parent only with conditions met.

    • January 18, 2012 at 11:57 PM

      Janet: Thank you for your comment. I am hopeful that the Christian community will recognize the turmoil that alienation thrusts upon rejected parents. It is disheartening that one parent teaches the child to hate the other parent (as we know, the child does not truly “hate” the rejected parent). Although alienated children clearly appear like they are harboring hatred, the appearance is misleading. It is easy to see why many are critical of rejected parents as they observe the rejection. Or, without education about parental alienation, one can understand why rejected parents believe and internalize that their child(ren) hate them. This is yet another reason why education about parental alienation is needed. It is difficult for rejected parents when they are dealing with children who display extreme rebellion, destroy property, perpetually trash family dinners, refuse visitation (in the absence of true abuse and neglect) and many other manifestations of undesirable behavior that result from parental alienation.

      • Missy
        June 25, 2014 at 6:55 AM

        And what happens when the alienators are also your own parents, sisters and ex-husband? I am a Catholic and believe in the 10 commandments, but also believe that I cannot enable evil. And an evil in the past (which is denied and unrepented) does not make its present day impact any less evil. I severed ties with my family after trying to explain what they had done to finally an ultimatum to which more alienating behavior ensued. Not everything is so cut and dry. My action was the correct and noble one.

    • dea
      August 24, 2013 at 7:31 PM

      I have looked at the biblical perspective devoutly over these long and lonely years, to find solace, and comfort…to find any reasoning and Iv’e only fought that “…God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle”… I’ve devoutly prayed for less, because this womans broken so very broken.. I miss my 4 children 2 boys, 2 girls…my oldest is full of hatred.. the divorce started when she was 5, now 14 ( It was an abusive home, I left) i had to get him ordered back to my state w the children, he managed to get ordered to live in my home, after nearly killing me and made several damaging problems with child services and injuring me and two children I was hospitalized again and in a women’s center…Because of the previous order the way it was done the womens center could not take my children and returned them to the home to my ex …this is how life has gone 9 years…the ex from hell, the stepmom from hell she made my kids call her mom and would hurt them if they didn’t… i Breastfed them! sang them lullibys all their lives and even when they were part time they would all crawl up pon my lap anf fight for the space!… fast fw to when my ex wasn’t home at pickup time..i’d get emails where were you today “you could have at least called”… “the kids were waiting”….me- hello you live 4 blocks down the street there’s no dumb way i can miss a pick up we walk! in court hits me with contempt and not following court orders…my oldest child backs up that I never show up…I have never missed a pickup time for anything less than illness then I send a person to go get them (grandma) a 14 yr old with her own cell phone has alot to lie about a mother who already lost everything has nothing has nothing to need to lie about.
      I think these people are nothing of God, even when they claim to go to church, because they certainy never went when I was the head of the house hold , the ex was an athiest. and told me i was wasting my time…well consider false face and where that leads. I believe I am the stronger person, I still to this day do not smoke, do not drink…though i cry in church sometimes at the pain in my heart… some power is keeping me from that fate and i haven’t killed myself yet either, though some days i don’t always feel blessed as I should I do need the reminders that there are blessings in my life just not the ones I wanted…

      • Joy
        April 16, 2014 at 3:57 AM

        Hi dea: nowhere in the bible does it say “god won’t give you what you cannot handle”. Dying is a pretty good indication that we have experienced something we cannot bear. There is a verse 1 Cor 10:13 which states that we will not be tempted beyond what we can bear; there will always be an escape”. God has not given us these terrible circumstances; it is the result of the sin of the alienating parent. But we do have choices in how we respond & there are many wise words in this blog and responses that help. But no, we have not been given these circumstances because we are strong or because we need some sort of twisted lesson. Society likes to think that so that they do not have to make a choice to recognise unacceptable behaviour & perhaps do something about it !!!! We can look to god for ways to help us respond and care for ourselves. Hugs to you.

    • Trish
      November 28, 2013 at 10:50 PM

      This is correct. I pray for both of my children so that they will one day hear the voice of Jesus and find healing from their anger since it is a true removal of a blessing.

  16. luci
    January 18, 2012 at 10:29 PM

    There is no need to grieve any child that isn’t dead! Just because parents are alienated temporarily does not mean they are never going to see their children again…. there is a very big difference! I disagree that alienated parents or other family members need to grieve…. they simply cannot get contact for the time being…. these children are not children forever and in today’s world there are far more opportunities for them to find out the truth for themselves as to whether they are actually loved and cared for by a parent who has been unable to reach them because there is injustice in the family law system today. Presumption of right of contact for both parents is fair and justice…. why discriminate… times are changing! Forget grieving…. these alienated family members are raising awareness and campaigning for change and we will never give up!

    • September 24, 2013 at 3:56 PM

      This comment angers me. To be taken out of your child’s life unjustly is to grieve. Period. Regardless of raising awareness or campaigning for change.

      • September 24, 2013 at 8:22 PM

        Thank you for your comment, Denise. Yes; parents do grieve, for many years. Alienation for some is akin to the death of a child.

      • Joy
        April 16, 2014 at 4:00 AM

        Thank you very much for your reply Denise. As an alienated parent, of course we are grieving.

    • Missy
      June 25, 2014 at 7:02 AM

      Really? Talk here again on this forum in 10 years when you realize this process turned your child into a psychopath. Do you know what the recovery rate is from psychopathology? Almost 0.

    • B.C.
      May 13, 2015 at 2:23 PM

      Wow, Luci, you are way off the mark. Have you a child who eventually turns to an adult – cut you off from your life or your grandchildren? I know parents of years gone by not seeing their children. Parental alienation when young almost every times turns into missed events, opportunities, loving bonds to tie a young adult to parents. Yes, one GRIEVES a living child who has cut them off – via another parent. It usually turns into adult children still cutting off the parent.
      My sister is cut off from her only child – my friend cut off from her only child. And these are two exemplary (not perfect) parents. What on earth gives you the right to say it is only “temporary”. It is NOT temporary for many and leads to long term chronic relationship problems. And the GRIEF of not being with ones child – teen or young adult during Christmas, birthdays, special events, like them having their first child? When can one RECAPTURE those events. NEVER. And yes, we all have tried every strategy and book under the sun. Including making sure to apologize, and listen to the concerns of the estranged child (or teen or adult child of ours).

      I am a mom who created a beautiful home environment, good home cooked meals, 3 meals a day, garden, canned, brought the girls to their lessons. Made costumes, sat up holding their heads when they were sick…….and shared many days at the beach, walks, stories, events, celebrations ……made sure they had regular health, dental, eye check ups. Made sure they had many opportunities to spend time with family on both sides and learn to trust and love others.

      Now, only to have one daughter reject me due to her dad alienating me when I was ill. Then we separated and it only got worse. I redeemed myself with my younger daughter, but that took work to help her understand that being overindulged by her Dad was not the answer to a self sufficient independent rewarding adult life. I am fortunate I have two children. They are distinct and I try very, very hard to make sure the 25 year old knows she is not responsible for my happiness or has to be a go between. She was only 13 when I got sick.

      Now we have grandchildren and she allows her Dad (whom I still live with) to do whatever he wants with the children and has severe restrictions on me.

      Don’t speak of what YOU know not. I have family who lived with us and a sea of my husbands family who visited us for 2 week stays – and 6 of them at different times for over 20 years (we live in resort seaside area) – they are witnesses to my good mothering of both our girls. And they are incredulous that this is happening.

      10 years of this and trying, but their DAD does interfere and make it hard for me to have a relationship with a daughter who was out of control for years (and Dad giving her money and help) when she needed to be stopped on her “runaways” and be allowed to face her own consequences of being an adult.

      Of course she smoozies up to Dad, and does not like mom who will say enough and take care of your own responsibilities.

      Nothing wrong with age appropriate helping our adult children out when they first get out in the big world, but it is detrimental to SAVING them all the time and bailing them out, rather than let them make mistakes and clean up their own messes.

      God help us all. And to top it off we have a societal education system that says parents don’t get a say either, that young teens get to make their own way – ie health nurse can give them the pill without parental consent, or say the child gets to make life choices when still under 18 and parents are footing the bill. etc. Long story, but don’ tell us to NOT grieve. 10 years of glimmers and hopes – small moments when I can have a time with my grown daughter and redeem some of our relationship – only for each time live events and her irresponsible actions are always mired in homecoming days. Then I have to watch her get deeper into troubles due to daddy’s over indulgence. And she will not speak to me, nor receive my gifts nor allow her children to receive my gifts or love and the list goes on. Painful does not begin to describe. And everyone else was allowed to hold my grandchildren but me. What kind of person would do that?

      Don’t tell us to NOT grieve all those lost days, years and love in our hearts and bodies and to see the damage that ensues when a child is on a runaway and takes path of least resistance. … …….we have every right and it happens involuntarily in dreams that turn to nightmares and it happens in many ways and forms, one more year, more losses, then hope, a glimmer and let down and more loss. That yoyo of emotions is what makes us NORMAL and HUMAN. Stifling it is the hardest thing to do and gradually somehow through all the emotions, asking forgiveness (for obviously perceived hurts even some embellished or mixed up with what Parents have to do to guide a child, teen, young adult…..

      Yes, my daughter (or other estranged children – now adults) are alive, but it is excruciating to not be in their lives.

      In addition, I have two sister in laws who did lose sons tragically drowning and a shooting – one at age 16 and one at age 20. My S.I.L’s went through all the grief and pain and now have some semblance of life. One was 32 years ago and the other 22 years ago. one has a child who alienated himself from her and she says it is JUST as painful – as th death of her son – this thing called estrangement. Because the death – eventually the pain is dulled after 20 years. But the one who is alive is a constant yoyo in and out of grief, hope, anger, short moments of joy, and then back to estrangement and the cycle starts all over again.

      Don’t tell HUMANS to not GRIEVE over the loss of their childs growing years or later years, it is all a WHOLE Picture of loss and consequences of those lost times are irrevocable…

      May God help us all and find compassion for people going through this….it really never ends, no matter our working through things ….until the day we die. And yes, it can be over in a flash – that is the difference between a living child or a child lost to death. It can be healed and a relationship managed and it would be wonderful, ……but……. What if it never happens. It becomes “like” a death of that child. Never comparable to a real death, but something akin to it.

      • Renee
        May 14, 2015 at 2:54 AM

        Marty you mentioned walking on eggshells. There is a book by that exact name and it is a great read. Many years ago we went to a counselor as we were at our wits end with my husband’s ex. Within 10 minutes this guy said the ex was borderline personality. That’s basically all psychosis rolled into one. We could have written the book ourselves. I often thought my husband was exaggerating the emotional abuse he said she inflicted until I experienced it firsthand. The sad part is that she’s still at it, but her child is now the victim of the abuse. We are fortunate that my step daughter reconnected with us and has a great boyfriend that is helping her to see her mother for what she is. Alienation comes in many forms and affects each one of us differently, yet the same. In wish we could find a cure for it.

      • Dea
        May 14, 2015 at 8:02 PM

        Does anyone else agree that DIVORCE is the #1 reason we have an over indulged child problem?…the bribery =love thing, I feel its lead the gateway for alienation… offer comments if anyone else noticed: eg; for us, it was a 7 yr old with a cell phone(highly inappropriate): he described to the judge as “for her safety” because he claimed he was never able to get ahold of me, after winning that case along with several other points in it, he randomly showed up at the same places I was and I was ran down hospitalized after dropping the kids off for school (court considered circumstantial)…

      • Marty
        August 11, 2015 at 7:22 AM

        I think that whenever we lose someone we love deeply, that there will be grief. But when someone you love passes away there comes a time when you might find closure. When you lose your beloved child due to parental alienation there is no closure. The hurt and loneliness just goes on and on. Never ending. That is what makes it so tough. My whole outlook on life has changed. I no longer see the world as a place of hope and love. I see it as a place where people do horrifying things to one another. The world is not a safe place to me anymore. It feels like a war zone.

      • Bruce W
        September 16, 2015 at 9:54 PM

        I’m having a bad day today. I’ve read nearly every post here and they have cheered me up a little, but not much. When people say “it’s temporary and will turn around”, they obviously haven’t experienced months that turn into years with no end in sight. It’s very painful for those of us that have come to the realization things look very bleak for change. I have a lot more good days than bad nowadays, but on Father’s Day, Christmas and birthdays, this 225 lb. 6′ 3″ linebacker dad always goes to a quiet place so I can cry. A lot of family get togethers and old friend reunions are uncomfortable because of the elephant in the room – “hey – how are the kids ?”. For a lot of reasons, that question causes me a lot of anxiety and tends to make me avoid encounters where that question might be asked. Daddy’s little girl (now 25) and little buddy (now 22) have been alienated out of my life for nearly 10 years and portions of the years before that. The family court here in Georgia chose to jail my ex-wife and fine her for a “classical case of parental alienation”. That’s was after years of worthless hearings, GAL evaluations and painful waiting. The damage had been done and the ex kept going on and on with her sociopathic mantra (and yes, a lot of it is sociopathic behavior – nothing logical about it).. I’ve written hundreds of pages of thoughts on this and am leaving this post as it is for now. It hurts as if they are dead even though they live within three miles of my house. God help us all and nothing is more comforting than hearing posts from those who understand.

    • B.C.
      May 13, 2015 at 2:41 PM

      And it does make me wonder if you even have children to tell us to not grieve over the loss of our childrens, teens or young adults years.

      As for my living with the father of my 25 and 28 year old daughters. That is what gave me some rope and hope I might regain a relationship with my elder daughter. But that has not been the case and now I am contemplating leaving, as it is excruciating to make a beautiful home and family meal only to have a grown woman turn her back to me, not talk to me and stand between my grandchildren and myself, – physically. I never harmed my children, nor would harm my grandchildren. Absolutely terrible. Her Dad says oh, don’t be like that to her and then subliminally will promote her continued belligerence and rudeness to me.

      Nope, we try everything and that hope prevails, but it feels like a TRUCK ran over me every time she rejects me. She is now living in our apartment next door and utilizing my hard work and efforts to keep home and property in good order and still treats me like crap.

      I ask, I listen, I give her space and time and it only gets worse, not better.

      These young adults do it because it is in a way a trend to bash parents, one or the other and find someone to blame. Of course she is angry at herself for her own mistakes and now a single mother of two children – all of which could have perhaps been prevented had her father not kept bailing her out and paying her bills…..long story.

      Love my grandchildren to bits, but she won’t let me hold them or even talk to them…….sad, sad, grief making.

      I am contemplating leaving and filing for grandparents rights.

      I came from a home whereby we had troubles of blended family and attended 10 different schools and had to be hyper responsible with a sick mother. Well one goes through the challenges of not getting along with parents (late teens) and then they are ADULTS and hav to get on with making their own way and life and quit BLAMING parents. Our daughters had a healthy home with consistency, and I had good relationships with both of them until I separated temporarily 3 years only frrom their Dad. We have been together almost 40 years, so the other parent can make a huge difference wearing their heart on their sleeve and giving everything to children.

      Sad, …..sorry, I am rambling. 10 years of this and now grandchildren are involved……it is NOT a “temporary” thing for many people… Consequences …….

    • Amy
      December 21, 2015 at 7:14 PM

      Alienated children become alienated adults. You have to grieve because it is very RARE that these alienated beings reconcile with the alienated parent. Truth. It’s like they are dead to you but there is no grave to visit.

  17. January 18, 2012 at 11:22 PM

    Luci: thank you for your comment. It is certainly true: helping professionals and parents are raising awareness. Thanks to the work of thousands of parents and the Parental Alienation Awareness Organization, along with the work of Dr. Richard Warshak, Dr. Amy Baker, Dr. Kathleen Reay– just to name a few. As you said, many who are temporarily alienated certainly would not give up. The article was prepared for those in which efforts span 15 to 30 years (or more), but still have not re-connected with their (adult) children. Even then, most parents would keep the door open. Nevertheless, along the way, many endure grief, frustration, and anger. Letting go temporarily, that is, to take a break for self-care is vital. Giving up entirely is not an option or consideration in the hearts and minds of most parents.

  18. Renee
    January 19, 2012 at 5:14 PM

    Re: Janet’s comment—It is unfortunate that even Christian parents alienate. They seem to change any rule be it the courts, society & even the Churches. It is very selfish and appears to hurt everyone, including themselves. My step daughter was baptized Catholic by her mother & dad (both raised Catholic). Dad & I raised her in the Catholic religion for 13 years. Her mother has told her numerous times that she herself doesn’t believe in the church & only baptized her because her dad told her she had to. My SD & her mother went to Christian churches sporadically over the years. To me this was the epitome of being hypocritical.
    Re: Luci’s comment–I don’t feel as though my husband & I are grieving like our child is dead so to speak. It is more the loss of the close & loving relationship we once had & would have liked to continue.

  19. Kimberly
    March 21, 2012 at 1:58 PM

    Would it be wrong to give adult children literature, books etc on parent alienation? My husband has been a victim of this for years. His children with his first wife have been poisioned for 14 years.
    I want so badly to email them information on this syndrome, if nothing else but to plant a seed. Their mother has emotionally abused these kids for years and have been brainwashed into hating their father for no reason. He is a wonderful man.

  20. Renee
    March 26, 2012 at 1:42 PM

    My step-daughter has just been put on Zoloft (she is 17). Since she has moved in with her mother, she has missed over 100 days of school in the last year & 3 months. She has been in counseling for over 7 months but still does not contact her dad. As a matter of fact she is now referring to her ex-uncle as “dad” and he is calling her “daughter”. Husband & I met with her counselor. She is concerned about what the mother is telling the daughter, the daughter’s lack of emotion, concerns of abandonment, stress & a list of other things. The counselor does feel like daughter is getting the bulk of her feelings towards my husband & I from her mother. She also suggested that daughter has absolved her mother of any wrong doing and is projecting it on us. She said in her experience the child can go either way, i.e. recognize the dynamics of what is going on & correct it or refuse to see any problems created by the same issues. I mentioned Hostile Aggressive Parenting & the counselor stated that is what she sees as happening. When I mentioned PA & PAS, the counselor said she was familiar with the terms but not enough to render an opinion. When asked what we should do, she said keep doing what we have been doing. Invites for dinner, phone calls, etc. However, my husband is at the point of giving up. He is not being told about school functions, pictures for school, parent teacher conferences. He isn’t even being told about counseling or doctor appointments. Sorry to go on from one subject to the other.
    I guess what I really want to know, is now that we have met the counselor do we push to meet with daughter for some intervention? Do we push the counselor to read up on PA to help us? We just don’t know where to go from here.

  21. March 28, 2012 at 4:28 AM

    Hi Renee: Many rejected parents do feel like giving up. Parenting is a tough job and even more difficult when the favored (also known as alienating parent) makes the job harder. Support and self-care are a dire necessity. If you have not, Dr. Richard Warshak’s video, called Pluto is a great tool, not only for your family, but for therapists. It covers the emotions that rejected parents endure and points out that some rejected parents may over react and others may under react. Regarding therapy: in some cases parents have offered their therapist educational materials regarding PA. It is a personal decision to discuss with your therapist. The link provides studies that some have used. They are free. The articles are not “opinion” pieces, but have been included in journals.http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/info_pas.htm Best of luck to you.

    • Renee
      April 23, 2012 at 7:24 PM

      I received my copy of “Pluto”. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you. I made my husband sit down & watch it with me. I am the one who has been doing research on PA, PAS & HAP. I have taken out books from the library, read on-line resource information and have tried to pass on this knowledge to him. Watching this video was the most IMPORTANT learning tool that I could ask for. He actually said that it could have been written about his situation with his daughter. After one year of counseling, step-daughter is still not making a move to include Dad in any aspect of her life except taking her to doctor’s appointments. She is still treating everyone in her mother’s family like God’s and distaning his family. We are going to give the video to her counselor, who has strong beliefs that the mother is creating a wealth of issues in step-daughter. Maybe she can share it during sessions.

      I highly recommend anyone who is suffering with PA to order this video. You will watch it many times. It may not solve the problem, but you will certainly gain a new perspective.

      Thank you again!

  22. Trish
    June 22, 2012 at 1:24 PM

    Hi all, so many thoughts and wonderful comments. I am in NC an an alienated parent, haven’t given up but always feel like I am in a fog and constant state of grief. If anyone is willing to form a group in North Carolina with me to help create awareness (Raleigh/Greensboro/Durham area) please contact me at 336-693-6278. Trish

    • Kendra
      August 9, 2013 at 11:23 PM

      I was wondering if a support group was ever formed ?I was looking for one for my mom ,she lives in Raleigh.

  23. becky
    September 18, 2012 at 1:16 PM

    After so much hurt and pain, this morning I finally told my daughter that maybe she should go live with her father and SM. She has been threatenting to do this for some time and I am soooooo worn out. It’s very difficult to be a single mother, sole provider and primary care provider without any support and to further an ex-husband and his wife who do everything within their power to manipulate my daughter against me all the while making her think that I am the one who manipulates. Most of these posts talk about never giving up, but I ask at what cost? When my 14 year old daughter is suffering chest pains and taken to the ER because of anxiety all the while blaming me when I, albeit not perfect, have tried my absolute hardest to co-operative parent and support her relationship with her father…..what more can I do? My attorney doesn’t believe that I can make any changes legally; meeting with PAS therapist haven’t gotten me anywhere….I just don’t even know how to proceed. I applaud all of you that have been able to “never give up” and keep everyone who is victim to PAS in my prayers. Thank you for letting me vent.

  24. August 7, 2013 at 12:45 AM

    I am a Christian with two alienated kids. They are both around 30. They blame me for everything; sure I made mistakes. I did wrong. But who doesn’t? I have prayed for them, expected God to turn their hearts to me, but nothing happens. It just gets worse. My family has slowly taken the side of my ex, because, well, I think they like to see me fail. They always have. So, as a Christian, this is what God has done for me these past twenty years as I endured parental alienation: first, He allowed me to feel and grieve. For years. Then he allowed me to try everything to believe they would come back. Then he showed me they would not, and told me to accept truth. Now, he tells me to guard my heart and live my life, to not enter the role of horrible mom that they want me to fulfill in order to be kind of accepted with a phone call now and then, or an email. God Almighty told me to love myself and move on. I do, and am much happier. I don’t need a family that hurts me continually. That is not a family. My kids have chosen life without me. So be it. I praise Jesus and live on. The hardest part for me is the society thing. I am a teacher and it’s tough to explain why my two grown kids hate my guts. Jesus, help me!

    • Trish
      August 12, 2013 at 3:03 PM

      Hi Toni. I have been through the same. Remember that alienation is a disease and those that are emotionally abused and literally taken from their parents live a different reality. My sister blamed me for not being able to see her niece anymore. My daughter and my sister blamed me for remarrying someone else. Prayer has been my only hope. As for society I tell those that only get to know me first about my situation. The rest of the judgemental world I tell them I have no children. It has been easier that way. Remember that those that love God will face the devil many times over and keep praying and ask Him for help. Satan will win if we let him. Think of the advantage you have as a teacher to help children in other ways as teachers do in so many different areas. Are there others who need you more than your children? I have had to ask myself that question and it has led me down different paths. My prayers are with you.

    • dea
      August 24, 2013 at 7:44 PM

      oOh lord, be with you…I’m facing letting mine go and ive been told i’m selfish etc.. ut i’ve lost my medical career and everything to all the allegations and suffered so much that I’ve almos killed myself…Ive never done drugs or alcohol or anything but did face a famil member who recently turned out to side w the ex because she said i wouldnt have 2 exs saying the same thing if it weren’t true…well have we never heard of ganging up? i make an ez target…i couldn’t believe she believe their story that i gave myself all of my injuries(i was abused, so were my kids, the ex managed to flip it) 2nd joined ex after i threw him out, but the court did discount his case later. Family is supposed to support each other. apparently thats just on T.V.

  25. Amanda Iler
    September 22, 2013 at 4:09 PM

    Some days are easier than others. Omg unless you have experienced this first hand, it’s unimaginable to comprehend the dynamics, at hand.
    Every other day is a struggle internally. 1 day I wake w/ the keep fighting attitude and then reality sets in, I’m out numbered, the other side (alienating family) has 20 influences compared to myself who is comprised of myself and my sons 2 siblings, that reside w/me.
    I haven’t had contact w/ my first born-oldest child in over 2 years, since he went to live w his father, actually. I backed off to hopefully stop the hate campaign or least lessen it. I feel like any mention of myself poses threat of further damage and the less I am mentioned perhaps they don’t feel as threatened and will quit the campaign. These people are sick. Frequently, approx every 2-3 months I do send a text to my son just reassuring him that we miss him dearly and love him unconditionally, despite anything that had happened or anything that may happen (clueless as to what he’s been fed but also not blaming anyone in texts, despite my understanding of being the targeted parent) he never replies, which is extremely hurtful because it takes so much courage to will myself to send yet another plea that’s falling on deaf ears. It’s discouraging. I have dreams of him playing w/ his younger brother and sister, only to wake up and wish I hadn’t woke up because the pain is unbearable, at times.

    I feel as though it may beyond repair but i will continue to send a text ever so often to acknowledge that regardless of anything, I love him and miss him. I can only fantasize that one day even if a decade from now that he will realize that he’s been robbed just as much as myself and his 2 siblings.
    After periods of the internal wrestle of ‘keep fighting’ then idk if out of a defense mechanism I flip over to ‘let go’ to release all the grief consuming me, my mind, heart and soul and damn near come to accept this hellish nightmare and attempt at picking up my shattered remnants and try to live a normal life, to the best of my ability, given my circumstances, and tell myself I’m robbing myself of happiness that I deserve by letting it eat me to the core… But even when I convince myself to accept this as it is and try to move on their are days I wake up and the cycle of internal of this starts all over.

  26. Robert
    September 24, 2013 at 3:08 PM

    I had to give up in this life, ten years of court violations on her part ended with my being given a full 50/50 time with my Daughter. She committed suicide due to the constant harassment of her mother.

    • September 24, 2013 at 8:20 PM

      Robert, very sorry to hear about your loss. Unfortunately, I read of such tragedies too often. One mother, Pamela Richardson, shared her story, titled a Kidnapped Mind.

      • jallisonphd
        March 5, 2015 at 11:44 PM

        Dear Parental Alienation Support, thank you SO much for sharing that term “Kidnapped Mind.” I am new to finding words and this site to affirm that this phenomena really exists: parents separated from their children is an agonizing experience and is REAL– My daughter (12 1/2 yrs old) finally explained to me why she chose to live with her father who’s transient (moves a lot). He’s living close by at the moment: “Mommy, I don’t want to be ‘that girl’ who’s story is about never having lived with her daddy. I know he’s not stable. But he’s here now. I have a chance to BE physically near him before he leaves again. I want the chance to change my fatherless-story while I can, even if it’s just for a year.” That really helped me understand her. But it didn’t help my grief. . . . I thought I’d share that insight from the child herself. Maybe this will help others’ struggles. . .

    • jallisonphd
      March 5, 2015 at 11:39 PM

      Robert, my <3 goes out to you about your daughter. And thank you for your service, truly! Suicide is familiar in my family. Anyway, I saw your next posting and I am happy for you that one of your (step?) children is talking with you. About letting things take their course. . I am going through that too. . .I had to. There is nothing like parental alienation. I am grateful for this site! No one else understands it exists and its impact and consequences for all involved. My best to you.

      • December 20, 2015 at 11:50 PM

        Hi jallison and Robert, I have been dealing with PAS now since April of this year and it is by far the most painful life experience I have ever been through and I agree with you that nobody understands the feelings unless they have been through this living nightmare. I don’t know what to do anymore, I spend my days thinking about suicide and all the different ways to end this pain, I have never thought my son would turn on me even though I knew his mother was alienating me for 5 years, and now that my son has said he doesn’t want to have a relrionship with me it has torn my soul in two and has left me so distraught that I can barely function at work and I rarely leave my bedroom as I am paralyzed with sadness and grief. I don’t know what to do I have been a great father, always there for my son never missed any of his school or sports events, I was even the primary parent for over two years due to his mothers problems with alcoholism, and though I was completely supportive of her through her battle with alcohol, she started her campaign of alienation against me right after meeting her o husband. I identify with so many stories on this forum and my heart goes out to all of you, I don’t know what to do anymore and acceptance seems be impossible for me.

      • December 21, 2015 at 8:12 AM

        Hello Dale
        This happened to me and my son a few years ago, I have been through a lot in my life this is by far the worst ,part of me died, I accept that.
        I have a supportive partner
        I play tennis
        I get on with my life ,every day I go through the pain barrier it is the only way believe me
        not a day goes by when I don’t think about him
        However I cannot compete with years of brainwashing and all the work done on him by his mother
        His approval is my alienation
        I cant beat that so no matter how painful acceptance for the forceable future is the only way to survive
        Best to you

  27. Ronald
    September 26, 2013 at 1:35 PM

    I am at the point where I have given up, and see no end to all of this. I have step children and one out of the four of my is still talking to me. Now one other is talking to me, and it seems like giving up and letting things take their course may be the answer. I really don’t know. I came home from the military a real mess because of what I was involved in. A combat veteran with a real case of PTSD. My former spouse used it against me, and the courts went along with it.

    • Trish
      September 26, 2013 at 7:54 PM

      first thanks for your service to this country, I appreciate it. Second, sometimes I think you really need to let go – I did and had no choice at all due to finances as Jerry stated above. If you don’t have the money to fight it, the courts disregard what they are hearing. I found that in order to live again I had to let go. I never gave up trying to contact my kids and it was easier to do as they got older, one will speak with me and the other will not. So I proceed cautiously and don’t try and “push any ropes”….I have found that doesn’t work…

  28. September 26, 2013 at 2:40 PM

    great article and information…..

  29. Jerry
    September 26, 2013 at 4:12 PM

    I had to let go; I saw no other option. It didn’t matter what I said or did, I always ended up as the bad guy, the liar, the instigator – regardless of how much proof to the contrary I had or how ridicules the accusations were. Without the finances to afford heavy hitting lawyers there wasn’t much I could do even after I finally learned what Parental Alienation was. Now both my kids are adults and both refuse to speak to me.

    Sometimes we give up because there is no choice. You must accept life as it is; pick up the broken pieces of your heart and life and try to move forward. My heart will forever be broken but I am learning to live again. Letting go was the best thing I could have done.

    • Ronald
      September 26, 2013 at 8:46 PM

      Jerry I read your comment and since you really can’t tell hardly anyone who will listen that is in the public eye, it is even worse. Might I give you a different way of looking at this. I worked in the government and had a high security clearance. The one thing they always taught us is how to recognize the efforts that are made to destroy a country. I have been chewed on a bit for saying this but I firmly believe there is an organized effort here to destroy the family unit in this country. It was taught to me long ago, and I think we have overlooked it. Of course this is conjecture on my part, but I know what I was taught and what to watch for.

  30. Carrie
    September 26, 2013 at 8:31 PM

    I too went through the years of grief and mental and emotional torture and eventually I did let go – my final option for my own survival. A miracle has literally taken place and my four children now grown have returned to me…….they are damaged but they finally made their own way too me. Let go but never give up hope….

    • September 26, 2013 at 10:14 PM

      I have learned, in my case, that sometimes its the children themselves who stop PAS from continuing, My wife absconded with my son in late March. In late June her lawyer contacted my lawyer, she hired a law firm notorious for being “sharks” and 6 days before a FCS meeting, i get a restraining order against me, claiming rape and other falsehoods. Eventually FCS interviewed my son and he told them he misses me and wants to see me. at first i had to do the supervised visit thing for 3 weeks, this is what her side offered, than they offered unsupervised visits on Saturdays for almost 8 hours. Now I have a court order with joint custody and 1/3 of the time with me, this is after the restraining order was defeated. During this whole progress my son has been saying he wishes to spend more time with me. Someone is listening to him, maybe things are getting better, or God heard my prayers. I am in southern California.

  31. Ronald
    October 2, 2013 at 1:45 PM

    Indeed to resolve this in my mind would take subjecting myself to the absolute corner of my mind where the death of a family member resides. That is where I have refused to go for over fifteen years, now it appears that is the only choice.

  32. Vickie
    October 17, 2013 at 10:52 PM

    For 6.5 years, like most of the other replies, I have grieved for my two children and never been able to talk to anyone..because really how do you explain this to someone that has never gone through it. Normal responses have always been….”why didn’t you call the police?” The system is so deeply flawed in Canada and anything that requires a lawyer is a ticket for them to empty out your bank account and do nothing. My ex perjured himself in court on at least a half dozen times and every time we tried to get someone to listen to us, his lawyer always over powered us. Thus, she/he who has the most money and more powerful lawyer…wins. Unfortunately the children lose. My children are now 18 & 20 and one of them has recently contacted a family member. It has broken my heart to learn that she is now under psychiatric care after an unsuccessful suicide attempt. It is also appalling to me that my entire family (which is small) has tried to hide all of this from me, including the “reunion”. They are terrified of my “ex” but is that enough of a reason to act like children themselves? On most days, I can function and had done like some of the other parents and just reconciled that this was the way it’d be, even went to the extremes of telling people I didn’t have children, because it made the pain less painful, then trying to explain alienation. But now the immense pain, anger, and now betrayal are back with a vengeance. I guess the moral of this story is that I let go of them once, now I’m letting go of the whole lot of them….will the pain ever diminish this time?

  33. bettysblue
    October 25, 2013 at 6:39 AM

    Why isn’t parental alienation more frequently recognized (and consequently appropriately penalized) by family court? Too often, the alienated parent is heart broken, financially-wrecked, and is left with barely any legal custody of the children. More than being angry with the alienating parent, I’m more concerned about family court judges’ unwillingness to recognize a crime with negative, irreversible consequences that have long been documented and extensively researched in psychological science.

    • November 1, 2013 at 5:15 AM

      More and more courts are recognizing parental alienation. It could be that judges’ are not unwilling to recognize, but on the contrary, it is a reality they operate in a bogged-down system. Hopefully, families can find other options vs. court, which is adversarial, to resolve conflict. One example, to aid in decreasing conflict, when alienation is unintentional, is a co-parenting class. In situations in which the alienation is intentional, it may be in order for a temporary change in parenting time. I agree; the consequences have been long documented in the social sciences; parental alienation is considered by many as a form of emotional abuse.

  34. Jeff
    November 22, 2013 at 2:10 PM

    I can’t believe how many people go through this! It’s a travesty! I felt all alone and try to come up with words to describe how I feel. Everybody here is facing the same issues. I really appreciate to hear your stories, we all seem to live the same life. There needs to be a way to get this heard in court! I’m sick of being overlooked and cast away! Safety in numbers people! We need a voice. I love my child and have not been able to see him in a year and a half. Enough is enough! I’m done spending all my money in court without results. I just want to have my relationship with my son before it’s too late.

  35. November 28, 2013 at 9:00 AM

    What happens when you have lived this so long, that “court” or “safety” are meaningless? It’s too late, their childhood is gone…something that can never be replaced or returned has been taken from your life…your babies, your children, your family. How can one attempt to disclose this pain? The holidays, the birthdays, the summers, the winters, all of life. It doesn’t get better, it doesn’t change and they don’t ever cry, or come back or care. Rather they use you and despise you and do everything they can to break you.

    I still recall the night I found out about PAS and the relief was overwhelming…no one loved (loves) their children and grandchildren more than I. I know who I am and I know I was a very good parent…but they hate me and have since my divorce. Same story as all of you, thank you for coming forward. At least I can now accept…

  36. allison
    December 4, 2013 at 11:28 AM

    I think more so than the article itself, it comforts me to read the comments. Its as though some of you have lived mine and my fiancés life when it comes to his 2 teenage children. And, took the words out of our mouths with “if I stop trying, I’ll be uncaring…” and we would welcome them with open arms but we cant live our lives constantly battling …We are in the process of court proceedings and it is emotionally exhausting the things the mother does and says and even worse what his children say to him after how much he has tried to be there for them. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even let him read some emails he gets from his children (or his ex acting as them) claiming they don’t want to see him for visits because I know how much he gets hurt inside by the words. He acts like he doesn’t care, that maybe he doesn’t need to see them anymore but then I watch him cry for hours because he misses them. Im younger than him and children of our own are in our future and it hurts me to know that we may end up having to “let go” and future children may never know their siblings and we may not get to stay in touch with the children just 6 years ago, we were all once so close with.

  37. December 10, 2013 at 3:14 AM

    We are all suffering.
    I know of 1 suicide, Akio and also Yoshida was in prison for trying to see his daughter. Alex couldn’t get access to his children, lost his job and had to move out of Japan. These 3 members can be seen on Clive France photo project blog along with my profile.

    This is tormenting to the parents and the long term mental effects on the children. While the mothers know what they can do within their Japanese legal system is absolutely appalling.

    Tim Johnston Japan
    Kai Endo Japan

  38. KathyC
    December 16, 2013 at 12:26 AM

    I have decided to let go – it has only been only been 2 devastating, rejecting years by both my children and the court system but I feel like I have exhausted every avenue. My daughters are only aged 7 and 10 but mimic their alienating father’s attitude. I know I am a good mother, I will always love them unconditionally with all my heart. I am angered that the judicial system can turn their backs on these children but have accepted the reality. It sickens and worries me how my daughters are going to turn out from living in a PAS environment. I’m still grieving the loss of parenthood to my daughters – I had such a great relationship with them, so many wonderful memories….now I have nothing. I desperately want to have a relationship with them but the ex will do everything in his power to prevent this from happening and the courts won’t do anything to stop his behavior. I hate the idea of giving up but honestly it is the only way I feel I can move on. Every act of love I direct towards them is rejected, the rejection hurts…knowing that they are deeply psychologically damaged and their condition only worsens as time passes on is unbearable. The children have been so emotionally and mentally brainwashed at this point, I feel as though I cannot reach them. People who have not dealt with PAS firsthand do not understand, it is frustrating and I’ve given up even mentioning my previous children because of it.

    I have an amazing supportive husband and new baby – letting go appears to be the best way to shield any future pain from my healthy growing family. Before my ex took my children, my husband was the only dad that they had ever known. I know that my husband feels the loss also. I take comfort that we did have many wonderful memories with the children and hope one day they will recognize this.

    People can judge me for letting go, at this point though, I am beyond caring what others think. Unless you have walked in my shoes, you have no right to judge. I think when you have done everything that you can possibly do….failure after failure, realize the injustice of the court system, and lose virtually all contact with your child(ren) you have to find a way to cope. The way to cope for me is letting go. My ex wants to control my life, he wants to ruin me emotionally as a person…I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE HIM THAT SATISFACTION. I am letting go, I will always love my children, I will try to make known to them from time to time that the door to a relationship with me is still open, although I am mentally prepared for this plea to fall on deaf ears as it has in the past, There will come a time that I will stop this too, but right now they are still young and I hold onto the hope that they still might listen, I will not tolerate abuse from them, although I totally anticipate them to adopt their fathers abusive, destructive behavior as this is what they have learned to be acceptable.This behavior is already evident in the few conversations I get to have with them. If they seriously want to have a relationship one day I will point them in the direction of professional help.

    My heart goes out to all other parents affected by PAS, it’s an undeserved emotional roller-coaster of heartache. I pray that despite the long and painful journey, we can all find peace at some level.

    • Trish
      December 16, 2013 at 2:28 PM

      Don’t worry my dear. No one has the right to judge you and for your own sanity I know what it’s like to have to walk away as a mother. Keep telling your daughters you love them and turn a thick skin on if they abuse you in return. Remember they are being programmed. I think it would have made a difference in my case had I at least done that. Best wishes.

    • Lisa
      June 16, 2014 at 8:49 PM

      Oh Kathy, I so relate to your story.
      I have finally given up/let go of the fight in order to save my life and start a new one. I even have changed my phone number. Because I cannot manage the repeated heartbreak. I experienced a heart attack last week because of this.
      Much information out there about PAS is in the interest of fathers. As I reflect, I see that the abuse and manipulation started very early on in my relationship with my abusive ex- husband and in my children’s lives. I can even now recognize the signs in our first date 21 years ago!! And even at the birth of my first child, Nicole, where as soon as I gave birth he took her from the delivering doctor and would not let me hold her.
      I love my kids so so much, yet feel anger that they cannot stand up for what is right (they are 14 and 19). They have told me that my home is a sanctuary, and we had a loving relationship, yet when interviewed by therapists, teachers, coaches, attorneys, and law enforcement, they will lie to protect their Dad and his new wife who acts as if she is a family savior yet has relentlessly tried to remove me from their lives.
      I appreciate and feel so much hope that there are other parents experiencing the same heartbreak and confusion regarding compassion and love for their kids versus anger at how this revenge happens. It is the ultimate form of bullying and child abuse.

  39. Ronald
    December 16, 2013 at 2:00 PM

    This is indeed a very tough time of the year for those of us who are targeted parents. May I offer this to all of you. Please don’t stop fighting because I am on about my eighteenth Christmas season (it doesn’t get any easier) and I have a somewhat different view of alienation. I see it as the destruction of a country, and was told this many times by the US Navy back in the years when they seemed to care. They told me to be on guard and watch for anything like this happening, and of course it is going on as we speak. This country is going into the abyss, with the results being devastating to all of us. Ignoring our pleas for help, is just another symptom of the destruction. Never stop telling your story. I am a combat veteran who chose to tell the truth about what I saw in service to my country. Little did I know what would be done to me for telling the truth. Never stop, NEVER!!!!!

  40. February 26, 2014 at 10:01 AM

    MAMA is a page that is for alienated moms to draw support from and meet other mothers who are alienated parents. Please come and help us spread the word against Maternal Alienation. Devoted husbands and fathers who support our cause are welcome as well.

  41. Cindy
    March 23, 2014 at 3:50 PM

    My adult children – have had a re-written history and been provided with money by their dad who deliberately and with intent destroyed my children’s relationship with me. They refuse to speak with my friends who were around when they were growing up (he never did anything for them as children) when I basically raised them. They were young adults by the time I divorced (it took six years because of his obstacles as a solicitor were successful). When they replicated his actions and abuse with threats I put a halt to it. It no longer worked because I put in boundaries they did not like. As a result, they have cut me out of their lives. An alienated parent suffers tremendous despair and the questions of “what did I do to deserve this” has never been answered. I know enough about the results of PAS on adult children and for their sake I hope that they never have any children. I foresee only sadness in their lives and the intergenerational abuse will be perpetuated thanks to a man who had his own agenda, was a sociopath and never really loved his children. My adult children may never have closure.

    • Lorretta
      April 17, 2015 at 8:37 PM

      Going through very similar situation and now my grand kids are part of the scenario.
      I did raise my children alone and did everything I could to be a good mother but when they became adults my ex husband re emerged and started the nightmare all over again.
      Wasn’t there for any of them through their teenage years yet pulls them in and tells them how things would have been so much better had they stayed with him when he refused to take his every other weekend by the courts and just left them all together.
      I was looking forward to seeing my kids blossom and enjoying my grandchildren BUT he had other plans and continues to poison their minds .
      What kind of human being does this with only themselves in mind.
      Unfortunately they use the children to attack the other person instead of just being a parent.
      This pain gives them pleasure and it’s hurting the children and families even more as if being no where to be found while they were growing up wasn’t hurtful enough.
      The parent that puts the blood sweat and tears into these children are then left with nothing but pain in their hearts.
      Maybe we should pass a law to stop this horrible torture.

  42. EmpatheticWife
    May 11, 2014 at 5:11 PM

    This article and these comments are offering me so much solace. My husband’s daughter is now in her early mid twenties with three children that he has never seen. He is disabled with crippling arthritis and because of this our finances have been really bad for the last 9 years. Every once in a while we go through a spurt of receiving some good money because of earlier projects that my husband did before his arthritis took over and then his daughter is all of a sudden so sweet and wanting to talk to him all the time and says how much she loves him (though she would never say it publicly, no her social media is only reserved for talking about how much she loves her mother who was a junkie and left my husband as a single father when the daughter was very young). As soon as we don’t have enough money to give any to her anymore she is then gone, poof and then really moody with him.

    She talks all the time about what a “horrible” father he was even though he raised her and her sister by himself because the mother was constantly moving around and in rehab. Her grievances about him are so ridiculous. They are the most spoiled and entitled things I have ever heard. She says he was a bad father because he moved them around all the time (the moved about 6 times, total ) and in the first 3 years of her first child’s life she moved over 10 times! I guess that grievance doesn’t apply to her.

    Her mother ODed in front of her one time and she blames my husband! She doesn’t seem to have any anger at all towards her mother for ODing, but somehow it was my husband’s fault. He can do no right unless he has money. Then, all of a sudden she remembers the good times and she loves him (privately, of course). As soon as the money is all dried up, she’s gone and back to not liking him again. We have tried to get her to come visit us with her children because my husband can’t travel very well and she always agrees and then just never does it. We even sent money to her twice with the sole purpose of it being used to come visit us but then she doesn’t contact us for months and then it is never brought up again.

    My husband is so tired of it all and he has emotionally tuned out. It is difficult for me to accept and I keep wanting him to try because that is his daughter but it is so hurtful how one sided and full of rejection she is. I have to figure out a way to let this go the way my husband has. It just hurts to see so much undeserved blame being pushed onto my husband and yet the mother’s sins are too long to list and she somehow gets all of the unconditional love. Every present the mother gives her, she announced on FB how wonderful her mother is but if my husband gives her $1000 to help her from being evicted or sends a bunch of toys to the grandchildren, she doesn’t say a word to anybody. It’s like it didn’t happen. She barely thanks him and then continues to ask him for money until we don’t have any extra to give her and then she disappears or becomes hateful.

    When her first child was born, we sent her a bunch of stuff that she said she needed even though we couldn’t really afford it and never once did she publicly thank her father the way she thanked her mother for her baby gifts. I don’t even remember her thanking my husband in private for that. As a matter of fact, we got an email from her half sister (not my husband’s daughter) asking us to go in on a crib with her since we hadn’t sent anything yet. We’re pretty sure that the half sister talks badly about my husband to her as well. It’s ridiculous. There was also a time right before her first child was born when she told everybody in her life that her dad was dead. We know this for a fact but she refuses to admit it even though we have proof. She just denies the proof and then disappears for months if he ever brings it up to her.

    I know I have repeated myself several times here but I am so full of frustration about the whole situation and I am glad to be able to vent it here among people who are unfortunate enough to understand our situation. My husband has been trying to connect with her over the last month and he sent an ecard for his grandson’s birthday but she won’t respond to any of it. We have no idea what it’s about this time. The only thing we can think is that she has been spending a lot of time with her mom during this time and she is even dating a guy who her mom set her up with now, so she might be getting it from him too as he was apparently friends with her mom first.

    There is so much more and I don’t even know if I did it any justice, but I can’t think straight. I am so tired of feeling so frustrated about all of this. How do you let go? I

  43. NY MOM
    May 16, 2014 at 1:08 AM

    The loss following my LT divorce has resulted in severe deep clinical depression – despair beyond anything I have experienced leading to sev suicide attempts. My children are now young adults and went with the money. They don’t care. I was good enough to be their mother so long as I remained married to their father. Post divorce I was no longer permitted to co parent w my ex as he moved into a relationship with a woman who was never married nor was engaged and no kids – well into her 40s. We did ok until he met her and she cut me out and upped the ante on her need to be front and center of his life. This included bribing my children to make up for her lack of her own kids – and him to reconcile the pain of a broken marriage. INSTAFAMILY.

    I have begged pleaded and appealed to him and my kids. The loss made me next to inconsolable. I now endure daily horrors of PTSD no therapist has been able to help me with

    All I want is to forget them now. It hurts too much and seems the only peace I would know is when I pass – I try but the pain infects my core.

    • Patrick
      December 21, 2015 at 2:56 AM

      Hi…I read your post and know how you feel……I wrote thousands of emails to try to show my x not to hurt the kids…..4 what ?…. waste of time and energy….And all I can say is her hatred of me was more than her love for the kids…Its Christmas now and wanting to speak to my 10 year old and get his phone number I was told by my 19 year old that he has to use his phone to contact me….so sad to see what others do to others …went to emergency hospital for a seizure due to PTSD and no matter what you read here EMPATHY is a norm of a human being and not having that doesnt make you normal…and nothing takes the pain away…Nothing….

  44. patrick
    June 5, 2014 at 6:58 PM

    Never married. Broke up before the 1st was born. Second child occured while visiting my oldest. Im 40 now…My kids are now 9 and 7. Theres been parental alienating going on since birth. It started out as the mother wouldnt let me take the kids home with me. I could only visit with them in her apartment. Then at some point she confined the visiting in just the kids room. I hire a lawyer early 2012 and she was served for custody. Our court date was 3 months away. Once she got served she completely ignored every request for me to see the kids. For those 3 months I had no communication and no idea where they were. Upon our court appearance the mother gave a lame excuse why I had not seen the kids in 3 months. Judge issued immediate temporary visitation. Since family court has been involved theres been countless accusations, allegations, missed visits, interferences upon my visits, etc. Its as if the courts are an ‘enabler’ or further alienation. To make a long story short, I have been at the point when Im ready to walk away (over and over). Im not very emotional, but this ordeal has made me very unemotional. Ive gone through all the emotions mentioned above and Ive become at peace if i make the decision to walk away. Alot will depend on family court, forensic, supervised visit, law gaurdian, etc. now that they’ve recognized the alienation if they do anything about it (immediately). if not, i am inclined to walk away and salvage the rest of my life.

    • dea
      July 19, 2014 at 4:00 PM

      I’m a mom who has lost my emotions over the circumstances…I got tired of the lame excuses of the kids and other parents not being at the pickup time and place, I’m tired of their accusations, and tired of the abuse by them that the courts enable with their lengthy, ineffective processes, that by the time all the other appeals are entertained 2 more years went by and my youngest hadn’t seen his brothers and sisters in most all of his life. I hear nothing but bad things… A total of 5 years has passed plus a few months and days since I last saw them, my youngest in the group of 4 children was 3, the oldest 11…it took every breath and worried me to the point of non functioning. but I still had my youngest son I have to provide a life for, so Easter this year I gave up all hope .and what did that was the facts that I don’t have a phone number, anything I send, never gets there, and a picture on my parents wall that day was a recent photo of them all with my brother and sister in law and I found out my whole family was buying into my ex’s crap and helping him…I was floored, how do you justify that, every part of my being has been shattered, as if Him breaking my neck was somehow justifiable…the same family who helped to rebuild me after that, was the same one ripping my family apart… so yeah, I gave up, because you can’t dis-prove a lie especially when you recruit a person’s family to join in the lie and attacking. its awful, all I have wanted is my time, don’t care to argue or fight, just give my 1/2 time, I wanted my hugs and birthdays, and school activities too, now I don’t have any of that either way..I couldn’t stand it anymore

  45. Trish
    June 27, 2014 at 6:57 PM

    I never gave up hone of seeing my son again and finally had the chance to see him after 8 years. He did understand that what he heard was not true and the lies that he had been told were not true so I am grateful for that. He doesn’t really see me as his mother but someone that is a financial resource at this point and I believe he met with me only to see what could be gotten from me. Of course he has learned disrespect and that I am just someone to be used which would have been all that he has learned from his father. I highly doubt we will ever have a relationship that is more like mother and son but I still hope that someday he will mature (into what type of person is unknown since I did not raise him for the last 8 years). So it’s a slow road and for those of you who are hoping to reconnect, may not be the connection you had hoped for. It’s important for alienated parents to prepare themselves very carefully before they re-connect.

    • dea
      July 19, 2014 at 4:14 PM

      I’d rather not reconnect, I can’t stand shallow people that ask for things…I haven’t hardly spoken to my sister-in-law since my brother married her 15 yrs ago, she’s a hideously selfish creature an he’s become like her, my ex husband and his wife will only let my kids contact them of all the people in the family. dumb considering my brother hates kids/never wanted any and the in law is a greedy self conceited pig who wanted kids but wasn’t allowed to have any so she went after mine. six months ago she stated proudly my kids liked her better than they liked me… Who does that? I don’t need it in my life(drama queens) and neither does my special needs son, we have enough business to take care of without.

  46. Mollly
    August 17, 2014 at 5:36 PM

    I read all these posts, I can’t help but feel angered at ALL the Court Systems no matter what state it is. When you are in the thick of a divorce/custody battle, feeling helpless, vulnerable and emotionally exhausted, it is then, that attorneys work their magic upon you and when your well dries up, it is only then, that suddenly everything is finalized. Let’s not forget that we are their bread and butter that keeps their firm in business. As my attorney stated to me “you gota keep taking him back in front of the Judge so she sees him for who he is” Yeah! as I only see it now, so I keep filling up your pocket!!! The Courts in PA did nothing to him, even when documents were written in stone that he did not abide by. Most importantly, and the reason for this post, NO amount of money can be placed on an alienated child. I would do it all over again, to know I did everything I could as a mother to protect my child. Even though, my story is surely not a happy ending, I have not seen or spoken to my precious son since he was 14, he is now 21 years old. I think about him everyday, I still send text messages on birthdays and holidays and an occasional voicemail, nothing. I still can’t possibly let go of hope, it’s all I have. As for my ex, who is living in our home, remarried AND became a minister, yes a poser to the public, obviously still continues to alienate. To all the parents whether being the Mother or Father, if you were the alienator in your divorce, you have done such a disservice to your own flesh and blood, these children are innocent and became a victim of your sickness. These children have the right to love both parents. Someday you will have to answer to the almighty one. I pray for you.

    • dea
      August 23, 2014 at 4:00 AM

      where do these “people” suddenly wake up and claim they find god?…I’ve my own experience with 2 ex’s that were both athiests, and after separating both suddenly found the lord and all courts whitnesses (of whom i’d never heard nor met) to bash me, mind you my second ex was neither the father of any of my children, just helped the first , by putting things on the internet and helping bolster his case…I’ve been a believer in all my days and I know some has come around, the misery exists in their family pictures posted everywhere, I’ve seen happy and that is not the poster-child (marriage). Two people couldn’t get further apart.

  47. dea
    September 6, 2014 at 1:48 AM

    hmm, thanks molly, it seems as though you have truly been through quite similar and are doing some of the same, you have given me some solace…thank you

    • KathyC
      September 9, 2014 at 1:32 PM

      Dea , I’m experiencing the same situation with my family. I haven’t been able to have contact with my kids in years after endless attempts, yet I find they’ve been talking to family members. Of course, the alienating parent has given strict orders that me (their mother) not be mentioned and even after knowing everything that happened, my family obliged. They report to me that the kids are doing great. It hurts and enrages me at the same time. I can’t stomach contact with these family members anymore and feel the ultimate betrayal. I’ve accepted the situation for what it is and have moved on. I fight to keep these wounds closed. It just shows the lengths my abuser, the alienater is willing to go….it’s sick.

  48. Trev
    October 6, 2014 at 12:54 PM

    I`m going through the same thing. Filed for court but is only making things worse. When do you finally give up? My infant son doesn`t deserve to be the battlefield.

  49. TinyC
    November 1, 2014 at 4:20 PM

    I have become passive. My adult children have become my former narcissistic sociopath husband. Berating, demanding etc. They are caught up in a time warp. I have done everything I could to communicate nicely, remember birthdays, holidays and they use this to throw my communications up to my face and tell me I am dead. PAS lives on. This is another generation of PAS adults. I cringe and hope God will never them any grandchildren because these are inhumanstic people, aged 25 and aged 29 who thing that they are perfect and that I am to blame for what their father meted out. I tried my best to keep our family together with rules, parametres and being good mother and model. But he undid it all by inclusive mobbing,negating me and telling them lies. I wash my hands of them – they are tyrannical – and have had a great life, with a lot given to them. But I will not be abused. That is something they rail to realises. They live in a time warp. This has been hard on me but at least I now have a life of calm, peace and good friends around me. I never saw this coming. The courts need to do more.

    • Trish
      November 9, 2014 at 4:33 PM

      Be good to yourself and you have a right not to be abused and that means letting go of abusive children as well. They will have to deal with themselves and their own offspring one day. You did everything you should have done to break the cycle and try and be their parent under the circumstances that every alienated parent has to deal with. I hope this message brightens your day and know you are not alone in your struggles.

      • KathyC
        November 11, 2014 at 2:32 AM

        Trish, this comment couldn’t have come at a better time in my life. You speak what I know to be true. How do you deal with family members who have basically taken a side against you? Not in words but in actions. Cut them out too? It’s a cycle that must end, I’m so tired of it all.

      • Trish
        November 12, 2014 at 3:46 PM

        It’s a fine line for sure. But when you are being emotionally abused by anyone blood or not at one point you have to take care of yourself. Realize that this behavior has been ingrained into children who are very vulnerable and the person who is alienating them is psychotic so this behaviors are all the children know and they think it’s acceptable. The relationship will be hard to rebuild unless the children learn that they were emotionally abused and work to undo it.

      • Karen
        November 27, 2014 at 1:23 AM

        I am going through the exact same thing – my 13 year old son just told me he doesn<t want to see me anymore- and my ex has been doing his best for me to not be able to see him nor have any contact. I have mixed feelings and honestly there are days that I just feel like moving away so far it is not funny. I am already one hour away and thank God as even if I were closer it would hurt even more. My son is now using social services to manipulate me and to get his own way – imagine how this little guy is going to turn out – not a king child but an emporors child – obviousy social services take soley for the child who is manipulating and these young kids working there do not see clear. I believe there are people out there doing everything to rip families apart.

        As for now, I see a young boy who is going to end up abusing and using me – so I just may have to walk away- man does this ever hurt. Afterall, I had stayed home to raise both my children and I had completely forgotten myself – only to be left with a bit of alimony and no kids – struggling on my own.

      • Trish
        December 1, 2014 at 10:57 AM

        Hi Karen. Social services was called on me many times and after a while it was funny and the investigators would be obliged to check but they never spentorr than a few minutes and left. It didn’t change anything and my ex just kept my son away from me. Right now you need to concentrate on your self and getting it together for you. I am not saying forget about your son but realize any relationship you may have with him in the future may be different than what you expected. I know my son will talk to me and see me from time to time but his father has taught him to be lazy and get what he can out of other people. My daughter has written me off and has been alienated badly. Think about what you need to do for you now and what will make Karen more secure both mentally and emotionally. My faith has helped me as well but you need to find your own strength. I never thought I would be able to but eventually did. Please send me a note anytime you want to chat and take care. Trish

      • Karen
        December 2, 2014 at 6:12 PM

        Wow Trish those are powerful words as well as encouraging ones- thanks- you just know what to say and thoroughly understand- it is awesome.I am focusing on my business right now- you see I am a Professional interpreter and translator from French to English and vice versa. I’d say that criminal court interpretation has been quite the therapy- meaning that I see worse cases and people who are extremely hurt and sick in life. I still have my health and energy.

        I am back in court on account of social services- there is a Young girl about 22-23 ( still in diapers) who thinks she knows everything and tries to give me documents only in French – I of course refuse to sign documents in French and require them in English – afterall there are 2 official languages in Canada. I see my son who is being encouraged to make an emergency call or manipulative call to SS when he wants to get his own way – you see when he comes to my place, I make him do some written English and help out with a few chores. So, he turns around calls SS to tell them he is bored at my place etc – they turned around and applied emergency measures – IMAGINE!! I told the Young girl that my son is manipulating and lieing as I take him to a prestigious social club, to shows, muséums, golfing etc.

        She thinks kids should not go to muséums and that golf is absolutely not for kids- Vince has been playing since he was 6 years old and he is now 13. He has always dreamed of going to the championships and I had him volunteer his time this summer at the World Golf Championship – since he is fluent in French and English- they had him work as a T.V.Spotter – and The Golf Channel. As you can see, this is not a SS case- but one rather for mediation and soul searching.

        Anxious to hear from you.


      • Trish
        December 3, 2014 at 1:00 PM

        Hi Karen. My experience is similar even in the US in Florida. The judge that was her in my case over the years was discipline many times for going behind parents and actually talking to children without their consent. I didn’t find that out till probably about a year ago. In addition Department of children and families were called many times by my ex. When my daughter particular was not respectful I would send her to her room and as a result of that my ex called children family services saying that I locked the children in their bedrooms. Of course when they came they saw several unlocked doors and as a result that investigation was closed. Another time my ex called and actually I heard him on the phone being taped telling my daughter that he was going to call children and family services to have them taken away for me. Of course this tape was never admissible in court however it was part of my telephone set up. A few months later children family services came to my house stating that they had received a complaint that my children are starving to death. I asked the investigator had he ever seen my children? He replied no and I showed him a picture of two children who are a bit pudgy. And then proceeded to show in my pantry in my refrigerator which were stocked full of food that only frozen but fresh. I think proceeded to explain to the investigator that I was a combination of French Italian and Spanish and it would certainly be against my culture to starve my children. He instantly broke out in laughter and again so I can investigation was closed. So Karen I have absolutely shared your pain and I can tell you that the truth usually wins out in the end. Since we share common heritage I would like to get in touch with you we can talk further would you be willing to do that? I hope for the best and wish you the very best wishes and extreme calmness in the situation because I know that having people to talk to and support you is just so critically important. I didn’t have the site when I was going through all this and I am really blessed to have it now in my life. Take care of yourself Trish.

      • Karen
        December 7, 2014 at 5:30 PM

        Hi Trish,
        I,d love to talk – honestly. I am in Canada however.

        Does that cause a problem for you?

        You know, it is so painful being alone like this and of course my son was my last hope.. I think I will have to wait another 10-15 years – by then I’ll be 60-65 and things won’t really matter anymore as both will have settled and gone on with their lives being used to not having their mother.

        I am so enraged at the court and family services system that it is outrageous.

        This Christmas, I am not even going to be around- after what just happened in court last week – my son refused to come or my birthday neither one called or came to see me – now it is not my turn for Christmas – quite frankly a normal person would at least go see their mother on Christmas day even if it were for 30 mins.

        I am supposed to have Vince for New Years and I have not plan on being around then – I will be elsewhere and do not see why I should have to rush back just for him and then to be told that he doesn’t want to come over because we do too much or it is too boring. I am fed up of the manipulation. So, I have decided to think only of myself as odd as this seems and hurts both at the same time.

        Thanks for your reply earlier.



      • Trish
        December 13, 2014 at 3:19 PM

        Hi Karen. It shouldn’t be an issue to talk to you in Canada but I can check with my phone provider. I wonder if there is any way to give you my number without posting it on this board? I am studying for finals right now but would love to chat any time after the 16th!

  50. Tay
    November 3, 2014 at 4:42 PM

    I don’t know that you can ever give up. I’ve fought for four years to bring my children away from their demons. And two and a half years ago, my ex finally walked away. Then he remarries and suddenly he’s back with vengance and I walk away from a hearing where I asked to no longer be subjected to their bullying, their demands and the harassment that my children, my significant other and his children have endured, false DHS allegations and three hearings in four years, all of which I never filed for, only defended myself. only to have my attorney throw me under the bus and my children ripped from my life. I just have to keep hoping that what I did in those two and a half years will make a difference between what they are told and what they believe.

  51. Ron K
    November 10, 2014 at 4:36 AM

    The last time I was on here, I related to all about the destruction of a nation. The break up of the family unit is the first thing to go. I have a daughter that is so abusive I couldn’t even describe it here, TinyC has it correct, and PAS lives on with people just saying they can’t do anything about it. The disrespect I have received is shadowed by the disdain my former souse has for me. Coming back from being in combat a complete mess, and trying to sort my life out was next to impossible. My former spouse as a VA nurse used my disabilities against me in every way possible. I told the VA what she was doing, and they didn’t care. No wonder the suicide rate of veterans is so high.

  52. Ron K
    November 12, 2014 at 10:39 AM

    I will be leaving this site, since none of you seem to grasp the enormity of what is going on here. I think it is organized, and know it is a method to tear this country down. If no one believes, and believe me I have tried to tell you, then I am done.

    • KathyC
      November 18, 2014 at 4:09 PM

      Ron, I see the “bigger picture” you are getting at, I really do. As an alienated parent, my abuser/alienater has 100% organized and calculated everything I’ve endured with respect to this. Society, the court systems, so called friends and support, and even family have given him the green light to do so. By doing nothing they send the message that “it is ok”. They support this behaviour instead of condemning it.

      A fundamental right, every good parent should have, to be able to love, communicate and freely have a relationship with their child is taken away. Is this the start of a breakdown of a nation? YES! When a fundamental core gives way to corrupt values and destruction, there is little hope for future generations. I hope my alienated kids never have children of their own.

      You have adult children, not everyone is at that point yet to see the outcome. My kids are young but I have prepared myself, knowing there isn’t going to be a happy ending with them. My only hope is faith in that the entire world is not like this, that good people exist. These are the people I try and surround myself with.

    • November 22, 2014 at 8:36 PM

      Hi Ron …… we DO understand the enormity of what is going on here – my heart goes out to you as it does to everyone here ……. With our ex-partner, friends, family and other proxys working over many years to alienate our kids against us, there is little we can do but stand firm in our truth ……. our own kids are accomplices in this !!!!!!!! …. there is little we can do. I often find myself desperate for others to understand, but the more I do, the more I play into the hands of these abusers …… And it is abuse; even from our own kids. Maybe one day, collectively we will see something that we can do, but until that time, we must remain vigilant and true to ourselves, our integrity and our truth.

    • January 13, 2015 at 11:31 AM

      Ron, just remember the words of hate are from their mother. I know it hurts, be thankful you are with the vengeful woman.

    • Karen
      January 18, 2015 at 7:18 PM

      Ron – there is a movement in Quebec- Canada that is underway and they have proof of how social services and all the other actors involved are crooked and the corruption is enormous. I am in the same situation as you and it makes us good people look like the rotten ones – i know 100% believe me – you re not alone.

  53. trisha
    December 28, 2014 at 8:14 PM

    It has been a difficult Christmas. I have never posted a comment to anything on-line before. Perhaps that demonstrates my need for support after five years of great pain. I hear so much sadness and grieving in the posts and it all sounds so familiar to me. At the same time I finally see there is someone else who knows how this hurts. In an odd way that gives me hope. I have lost two of four children throughout this horribly painful process and can see the third is on his way. I feel unable to influence him except to reinforce the need for basic human values and educate my child to the tactics often used in these situations according to my experience and what I read. I imagine many of you probably count me lucky to still have two of my children and I am. The sadness and my own inability to move on without the other two in our lives absorbs a great deal of my attention however. I wish I could come up with practical solutions to prevent what I am certain will be the taking of the third child through the manipulation and brainwashing. If anyone can help please let me know.

    • Felicia
      January 1, 2015 at 1:47 AM

      Hello Trisha: My ex husband has alienated my only child from me and my relatives. I saw the signs over the past two years. I had the worse Thanksgiving and Christmas and pray each day that GOD intervene. I am grieving, do not sleep much, feel withdrawn, and I feel as though no one understands this pain. My ex husband has a ruthless attorney who enables him in the alienation and to make my life a living nightmare. My ex has a history of child abuse, domestic violence, but he still calls all the shots when it comes to my child’s well being. I have been fighting this battle for a year now and it has worn me out mentally and financially. I sometimes want to give up and just except things for the way they are, but then I read stories like yours and others who have experience this PAS(should be a crime) which makes me want to continue my fight for my only child!

      • Trish
        January 2, 2015 at 1:30 PM

        Hi Felecia. It is definitely exhausting and the one recommendation to stay the course is to take care of yourself at least in one way Maybe that is exercise, counseling, or whatever finds you peace. For me my faith helped me to stay strong and I was lucky to haven second husband who stayed during this insanity. It still amazes me how the courts refuse to see what is going on with alienation. It’s as if they believe that their court rooms will be even busier if they address it. In reality they will be less busy if they simply threw the alienating parents in jail for a number of years and provided support to the alienated so they could resume a healthy relationship with their children! I wish you the best my dear and my prayers are with you for peace.

  54. skooter
    January 7, 2015 at 1:02 PM

    I am a victim of this horrible disturbing lifetime event. I greive deeply into my bone marrow. Words cannot express the pain I have endured. Therapy only one true judge in this for those who are victimized, GOD, He loves his innocent children…….as for the judges in our courtrooms, what a joke….our legal system is not worth a flip. I’v upand cringe at the very thought of the day my daughter seeks redemtion

    • January 13, 2015 at 11:15 AM

      Skooter I feel your pain. I find solace in the fact that if some is capable of doing this, their life must be pretty shit!

  55. skooter
    January 7, 2015 at 1:09 PM

    I am a victim of this horrible disturbing lifetime event. I greive deeply into my bone marrow. Words cannot express the pain I have endured. Therapy only one true judge in this for those who are victimized, GOD, He loves his innocent children…….as for the judges in our courtrooms, what a joke….our legal system is not worth a flip. I cringe at the very thought of the day my daughter seeks redemtion . It was one thing for my X to manipulate and decieve, but a whole new bowl of wax once my baby girl addopted her mothers personality and became the mouth piece of hatefull idiology endives by years of misguided revenge. All my heart all my soul, TABITHA ROSE…..you’ll always be…..COCA DI PAPA!!!

  56. Anur Alli
    January 9, 2015 at 12:08 AM

    My GP hasn’t heard of parental alienation syndrome. This needs to be acknowledged in the medical industry. It’s a start atleast.

  57. Samantha
    January 13, 2015 at 11:12 AM

    I am the stepmother of two daughters, one of which has been totally alienated towards her father and the other daughter is still being groomed, she has not yet succumb to her mothers bitterness. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. I have had had to put up with things being taken from our home without our knowledge, spying and now apparently I am the reason why this is happening. The courts so far have not seen through the mothers lies, they do not recognize PAS. My partner and I feel hopeless, I believe the mothers end goal is to break us up, thankfully each time we get knocked down, it only makes us stronger.

    • Renee
      January 29, 2015 at 1:51 AM

      I am also the stepmother of one daughter, who was alienated from her father & I. She lived with Dad, then us, never with the mom. Oh, Mom tried 6 times to change that. She finally succeeded when my daughter was 15. Promised her the world and told her that Dad & I would pay for it. She even twisted the Guardian et Litem, who previously wouldn’t let the girl go live with her mother. I saw the Guardian about a year after she moved. When she asked how it was going, I told her the awful truth. We hadn’t seen the girl in over 10 months. She missed 5 months of school, was so sick she used a walker, etc. etc. (the diagnosis was stress and only stress). The Guardian was appalled, said she had no idea this would happen. I called her a liar and reminded her of what she had told us just 2 years earlier.

      Fast forward 4 years. My daughter missed so much school, but was able to graduate because of the school’s lackadaisical attitude. She has reconnected we us, but the relationship will never be what it used to be or what it could have been. She is damaged for life. Yes her mom did a bang up mental job on her. I shudder to say what I would like to do with the mom. My daughter just moved in with her boyfriend, he doesn’t like the mom. He’s been patiently trying to help my daughter. It will be a rough road for her for the rest of her life and we will be here for her as we always were.

  58. No More
    February 12, 2015 at 11:19 AM

    Brief history…we were married for 13 years, he was never involved with children’s upbringing, I had constant put downs, from the meals not good enough, criticism of my family, house had to be cleaned everyday, no childrens toys lying around !?!! My social life was non existent, rare occasion I did go out with friends I was afraid to return, he would wait up and question as to where I had been, with who, becoming verbally absusive. He craved attention from women, and would flirt openly in front of not only myself, but our children. He actually said he has to beat women off with a stick, my children still recall this.The final straw came one family holiday abroad, the children were all under the age of 10. The flirting and drinking with other women, whilst we sat and watched. Our children crying as they were tired ( dark, late at night and a foreign country ). Again, he became verbally abusive, threw money at me and informed make our own way back to the apartment as he was having a drink. How I walked those dark, empty streets with three children, I will never know. He rolled up hours later, shouting racist remarks at neighbours and very worse for wear. The next day, no apologies, no mention. This is one example of his behaviour over the course of our relationship. A few months after this holiday I walked out on him. Not long after I discovered he had numerous affairs during our marriage. Our divorce was 20 years ago, during that time he has alienated my eldest child from me. Too many things to say, but my eldest has been brain washed over the years as many others here on the site have seen, with regards to myself…I have treated my eldest no differently from my other children. He knows I love him very much, I will never give up that love. My ex has tried to alienate my second eldest over the years, and sadly I can now see this going to the same way. I have not seen my ex for almost 10 years, but he continues to get to me through our children, the cycle continues, they have leant to treat me the same as my ex, I am ridiculed, critised, laughed at, they tell their father everything about my life. If I try to defend myself the abuse escalates so I have learnt to remain quiet. I now have a grandchild to my eldest, I was not allowed to see her for a week after her birth, first glimpse of her on FB !! …ex had full access, the day we went to see her for the first time, she was passed to me over the top of my DIL’ s head. Not one photograph has been taken of me and my husband with my grand daughter ( been together since divorcing ex 20 years ago ). Family occasions, such as grand daughters first birthday celebration, we were not invited nor told anything about it, until we see posts on fb ( now deleted account as it is too painful ). We were originally told that my eldest, DIL and granddaughter were spending the day alone with her as they wanted no drama !! ChrIstmas just past, eldest called to see what we would like for Christmas, this is the first time we have been asked this question as we normally receive nothing !! We discussed what we would all like to give and receive as gifts. The day arrived to exchange gifts, we received nothing, whilst they sat and opened our gifts to them, no apologies, reasons why no gifts etc…Me second eldest has recently informed me that my ex is constantly wanting information about me ( he remarried 15 years ago ), informed my AC there us no reason for this and it has to stop. His wife is another thorn in my side, she has over the years tried to replace me as their mother. Mother’s Day, eldest sends step mum cards and presents…I…nothing for 20 years. Same with my birthday. I go round in circles, it is only the last couple of months I have tried to tell my children some truths regarding their father, ( for 20 years I have let them figure their own minds up, but to no avail ). Sadly things are no better, the last 20 years are now starting to affect my health. Trying to let go but it is very difficult. But how many more times do we have to go through this process of grief ? Sadly, I now worry for my grand daughter, I can forsee things getting no better, the last thing I want is for this little girl to be used asthenosphere dangling carrot. It breaks my heart but I am considering cutting all contact as I cannot bear to sit and watch any more lives being torn apart.

  59. jallisonphd
    February 26, 2015 at 4:16 PM

    I am SO relieved to find this site. Alienation from a child is a grief like no other. I’ve felt like no one understands: “You need to move on with your life”, “Let Go and Let God.” Separation from my daughter is a constant, open cycle of grieving with short reprieves. Thank you, J

    • trisha
      February 28, 2015 at 2:24 AM

      J. I feel like you hit the nail on the head. For me this is a cycle of grief with short reprieves. I want to wake up and not immediately think of them or when I have a free moment, then not to immediately think of them. If this is my future then at least I wish I could turn down the pain. I gave up believing it would go away but if I could just decrease it enough to live again. I can never imagine entering another relationship either. Not after this experience. How could you explain this is a way that would make sense to anyone.

  60. jallisonphd
    March 1, 2015 at 7:50 AM

    Trisha, I just wrote a very long reply, but it didn’t post :( It’s late now. I will try to reconstruct it again. Basically, my daughter will always be #1–relationship with another or not. I have limited time on earth with her and taking away from that time would only add more grief (I tried spreading out myself too thinly between her and dating. . . ). I have writing, dancing, singing, and crying to reprieve. I’m trying creative arts for some beautiful outlet. But in the end, my soul feels it will never rest. At time point. . . .

    • Karen
      March 2, 2015 at 12:46 PM

      Jallison, I think you are doing the right thing by keeping yourself busy – I call this cultural pain kilers – I do the same, I volunteer at the Orchestra and I end up going out with friends to the Opera as I get free tickets and the same goes for a variety of committees that I have become involved in.

      To my surprise- I told my kids that I was no longer bending over backwards and now they are seeking to come to me. I shall explain something I found extremely hard to do. Take what happens when you run after a dog- he only runs away further – (by the way it took me 4.5 years to understand this) – well I went to a mediation session with a judge and told everyone around the table that I had been fighting for 4.5 years, I had given up work on inservice days only to see my son who would decide not to come or my ex would either bring him real late.
      When I told everyone that I was getting more contracts as I am self employed and that things are really starting to move -I got up and said that they would be able to come when it was convienent for me and even if they wanted to come on an inservice day tjhat it could be quite likely that I just may not be available. Next, I said well, out of love I give up my right to make him come every 2 weekends – my son is 13. If he wants to stay at his fathers and not bother contacting me- fine he is free to make that choice however he is not free of the conséquences. Well Social Services and my Ex both chimmed in and said : Well he has to see his mother!! What a surprise. My son Vince just came this past weekend and it has been 3 months of abuse on his part and social sercvices who have applied abusive measure just to please my ex and my son who has learned how to manipulate all throughout this whole shitty mess.

      When they feel that you are becoming more distance which in reality means that you have come to the stage of acceptance – then this throws them a curve ball that they do not know how to handle and it gives you more power.How I pray Jallison that you soon come to this point.


      • Chris
        March 3, 2015 at 1:14 PM

        I applaud your determination to refuse to be abused any longer. I feel that Alienation teaches our children abuse of another persons feeling is ok, even towards your parent.

  61. March 5, 2015 at 11:32 PM

    Karen, in my lengthy reply which got lost while posting my short one.. .. .. I explained that I am now doing what you explained: not allowing to be used and on a leash (so to speak) determined by my daughter and ex. The results have been amazing. She’s seeking me out more, and expresses appreciation for me without prompting her! I appreciate your detailed description of your journey. As I read it, it affirmed my actions because I followed a similar approach. Thank you for your prayers. I am new to getting to this point. Hearing from you helps to know that I don’t have to be stuck. I still have a sadness within, but what’s changed is that I don’t feel desperate. Desperation causes me to do unhealthy acts (like ask her to say “I love you”, compare myself to the ex as if he’s perfect–which is insane). Your message reminded me of my daughter’s grief/growth cycle too. She has her own timeline, and I can’t and won’t force it. Forcing is unhealthy in life. Things are better in small ways. I’ll take em! <3

  62. jallisonphd
    March 5, 2015 at 11:33 PM

    Dear Chris, thank you for joining the conversation Trisha and I were having. I hope to hear from you, and learn about your story too. <3

  63. Barbara
    March 12, 2015 at 7:25 PM

    I live up in Ontario and things are not better here. My daughter moved out and I have not seen her in 1.5 years. She is 15. She refuses to speak to me at all. Her dad told her that I left to go drinking in bars and picking up guys, which is rediculous. He waged a campaign from the day I left him for being abusive. I took my kids and moved. Now my son who still stays with me week on and week off is on the same downward spiral. I know he won’t stick around. My son is so disrespectful to me, the same as my daughter was before she left.
    I have been through the legal system, and they ordered counselling, she refused to go, so that’s that. I was told by the office of the children’s lawyer that if I were to pursue this in court it would cost me about 80,000 and I would most likely still not have my kids. I feel like she died. I am sick with the thought of paying half my paycheck for kids I will never see. I know I won’t be able to live off what is left. I am very scared.
    Before I moved away from their dad I was their primary caregiver, I did all the cooking and cleaning and shopping and social organization and held down a good full time job. If I thought this would have been the outcome I would have stayed there and put up with it, at least I would have the love of my kids.

    • dea
      March 18, 2015 at 9:30 PM

      It’s strange that so many woman say that…(myself included) who knows what that future would have held, I predicted certain death, by my husband, but I guess this is no different, I have died many times over and find little to rejoice I. Some say, better to have my life for them to come back to, however if you can’t get outta the loop that keeps repeating, what’s the difference…getting stabbed, shot, ran down by a car…strangled…physical pain goes and so does the scars…when the bad guy has the kids (because of a slight case of coma) conveniently, they just send their friends after you for the rest of your life….so, no. It doesn’t matter and some of us could’ve predicted the future but you only have to convince a pompus judge for an hour not a lifetime that you’re an angel and not the devil. Motivation of courts is strictly money, not child welfare, it’s how there going to juice you the most…if they were any good at their jobs (remotely now) counties/districts would be broke by the first 90 days of the year!

  64. JBryan
    April 5, 2015 at 11:51 PM

    I’m a 54 year old male that has not seen or heard from my 33 year old daughter since my ex wife’s funeral in may of 2010. We terminated our relationship in 1991, our girl was 10 at the time. Since the time of the separation thru the divorce and thru the grueling times of child support and financial difficulty, the ex would always make it difficult for me to see my girl. She basically grew up with out me, except when the ex needed more than child support money, and I always paid my share, braces, school clothing, books etc. There were times when after everyone else was paid, I had less then $25 for me to get to my next pay day. I remarried in 1998, my daughter cried at the reception, but the next day while out to SeaWorld with my new wife and her two kids, things seemed okay. There always seemed to be some reason why she could not be happy when she was with me, either alone or with the new family. I remember one time while driving her to have Christmas pictures taken she jumped out of the car because she was determined this was not going to happen. she didn’t get hurt but boy talk about stubborn. The marriage with my second wife only lasted 1 year, she says even my own daughter did not love me, why should she. I have been alone since then. I have sent my daughter cards for every event that comes up thru the years and never receive anything back. while at the funeral of her mom, she died of cancer, she did not speak to me until I spoke to her, and she gave me a bogus phone number. I’m not a bad guy, I have tons of friends a good life, I have a decent job, make decent money, live in a decent house. I just don’t understand this whole alienation process she is going thru. and her not making any attempt to communicate to me what the problem is, I have given up. I think about her all the time. I have started the dating process again, at 54 it’s not easy. Dating conversations always come up with do I have any kids? How do you explain this? She has her second family, I recently went on the facebook hunt to try and find her, found her on my exwives friends families site, calling her the daughter they never had. so at least I have a recent photo of her. After seeing her picture and reading what I read, I felt like a stalker, and was mad at my self for even doing that kind of research, and now my self esteem is lower than ever. I’m not sure what to do, I’m her father, the only true family member she has. It’s been 23 years since her mom and I split up, and she is grown has her own life, inherited my ex’s home and her grandpa’s house in the ex’s will, so she has been taken care of financially thru the life insurance of her mom. so she doesn’t need me for any of those reasons, nor do I need her for any of those reasons. Is there such a thing that she just doesn’t like me and feels she doesn’t need me for anything? I started writing her a journal about my life and how and where I grew up, thinking if she was to read this maybe she might get to know things about me she doesn’t know. I was considering sending it to her, unfinished and make a comment that if she wanted to know more about me and her mom, to please write or call me sometime. I miss her mom, before she died her and I made peace with each other and I feel stronger about our relationship than I did while we were married. We were married right out of high school, we were each others first true love. I don’t know if our girl knows about how or where or why her mother and I met, how our relationship evolved to marriage or if she even cares. Does anybody want to chime in with some tips of there own on how they dealt with a similar situation I would appreciate it.

    • Barbara
      April 12, 2015 at 3:00 AM

      Hi JBryan
      I know how you feel about it all. My daughter is only 15 but I have not seen her in over 18 months. I keep hoping it will click in with her that I am a good person and that I care about her. Her dad has manipuated her to believe that I don’t care about her.
      I also send cards and emails and look for her on facebook and other such places. I am unsure what else to do. I am also in my 50s and unable to find a partner. What you said about when dates ask about if you have kids, I don’t know what to say. I have an 11 year old son who stays with me week on and week off. I think in the future I am just going to tell any potential dates that I only have one child, and down the road bring up the alienated child. I feel like I am admitting to being some kid of bad parent as what child would totally reject a good parent? I think about my daughter every day and I feel that this situation with her is getting between me finding love again as I can’t really focus on anything else and I end up talking about it alot, I can’t move on.
      I feel for you JBryan, you aren’t alone and I completely understand.

      • Trish
        April 19, 2015 at 11:32 PM

        I went through the same thing and has to explain what I went through with my alienated children such that it got to the point that I just didn’t mention them anymore. It was just easier and I didn’t have to face the judgement by others that I was just a bad mother or something. It got a lot easier over time and it was no ones business anyway.

    • Anne
      August 10, 2015 at 3:17 AM

      Please read Dr Craig Childress’s website and watch his you tube videos on parental alienation. He has extremely good validated theory on how this happens. It will help you understand that this was never about you not being a good enough parent. As Dr Childress says, a predator got in the way. The more people who learn how this devastating destruction of families works, the sooner the court systems will start recognising it and act accordingly. Everyone has their own desperately sad story but we need to fight for the bigger story to be recognised. If you can put your energies into the bigger issue so the court systems and therapists start recognising the problem our lost children might have a better chance of finding their way home. If Dr Childress’s work resonates with you, please start sharing it with your family, friends, therapists etc.

  65. Sam k
    April 14, 2015 at 10:22 PM

    after over 14 years to the best of my financial and emotional ability to involve my children in my life and them constantly rejecting me I had to let go.
    do not judge another until you walked a mile in his shoes. how sad for my daughter’s and I.

  66. Stephen
    April 16, 2015 at 5:31 PM

    Three daughters, ten year marriage, no fault divorce…slides into long distance secret child re-locations and every possible interference tactic to an Order for Shared Legal Custody and Liberal Parenting time. My daughters’ entire childhood is filled with re-location drama, physical custody exchange drama, and a trail of abandoned houses, friends, pets, schools, and the entire branch of their family. Every year she offered less time together, more distance and logistical hardships, less communication access, finally resulting in total isolation and sequestration, 3000 miles away. They have nothing to inherit but a very sad, and crazy story of one parent’s selfishness, and vindictiveness. I don’t think I will leave a grave site where they can come to desecrate their narrated memory of their father, I shall leave that on-line.

  67. 999Flynn
    April 26, 2015 at 7:51 AM

    Stephen are you still with us?

    Unfathomable yet we have to go on – it is the same story over and over.

    Vindictive ex decides to use the only thing they can destroy you with and then the kids line up with the most disturbing stories and the experts don’t know what to do.

    Then you have to pay extortion for the rape or go to jail.

    We only suffer because we have hearts that are beaten- what type of monster could live with themselves while they watch the children suffer.

    They are psychopaths that have become inflamed by the split.

    • Marty
      May 11, 2015 at 12:48 PM

      Please read up about the symptoms of a sociopath. I firmly believe that alienating parents who will turn kids against a parent are sociopaths. They do not have the ability to feel empathy for another human being, let alone for a person who hurt or angered them. They will use anything from gas lighting to playing the victim card. And the scary part is that they think they are doing it to protect their children from you, a loving parent. And I know you are a loving parent because you came across this blog while looking for answers because you cannot go on like this anymore.

  68. jon
    May 4, 2015 at 8:02 AM

    And this makes the point all too clear. im broke, alone, alienated, lost, afraid, heartbroken. She has taken it all, my soul is empty. My son is not mine anymore, I am an ATM. She has it all, I have no future nor path. The details are the same, i am currently paying 1400.00 a month for one child including errands. That only covers the interest. She has two homes, 3 cars, and all the luxury one could aspire too. My car finally died and the 3 hour bus ride to see my son once a month is crushing. Last lawyer did nothing while she broke court order after court order. I cannot fight any longer. after 7 years I just want it to end.

    • sarah
      May 9, 2015 at 3:26 PM

      I read all of your posts and wish there was an easy way out. I am stepmother living through this. After years of fighting it, we have succeeded to defeat. The court visits and the money spent in desperation, to see your children is so unfair. Until there is a way to make the perpetrators pay for their crimes, one just has to stay strong, keep up the love, if you get the chance and hope that one day the victims will see through the manipulation and try and make peace?

    • December 21, 2015 at 1:51 AM

      Sam. I feel your pain man!

  69. May 9, 2015 at 3:38 PM

    Scott I agree the courts provide no solution, they just fuel the manipulation. I am a mother too and I would never deny my child a relationship with her father. I wonder what makes a person so hateful?
    I come up with jealousy, inferiority, bitterness and narcissism. Of which there is no cure…

    • Renee
      May 12, 2015 at 2:30 AM

      Sarah, I am also a step mom who’s been through this with my husband’s child. Shes grown now and is slowly realizing what her mother did to her, to us and to the relationship we once had. We’ve agreed that the past can’t be changed so we are forging ahead and making a stronger relationship.
      Now I am watching my son go thru it with his ex. Same song and dance, different child. He’s moved on with his life and she can’t handle that coupled with the prospect of their son turning age in a couple years. She has to live with herself at that point and she doesn’t like it…mostly because she doesn’t like the person she is. Rather than change their lives, these alienators chose to destroy the people closest to them namely their children. That way they won’t be alone with the person they hate the most…themselves.

  70. trisha
    May 10, 2015 at 10:17 PM

    Scott, I feel your pain and sense of loneliness and despair. I completely agree with Trish. I didn’t know how to exist in a world where I wasn’t the mother to my children. I am beginning to take those tiny steps to move ahead without them. I hate to say this but things do get better over time. I know how little that helps right now. I use to cry every single day. Not anymore. I have done damage to myself due to the chronic suffering. Now I realize I have an obligation to care for myself.
    I wish you peace and you will smile again.

    • Dea
      May 14, 2015 at 7:14 PM

      I would like to know if there is a selfish rake your ex over the coals vindictive website where everybody learns this or is it natural? if there is a website we should go read it learn it and turn it over to get ahead (please notice I didn’t say practice the process, ew), or is that just the more expensive willing to do anything attorney from hell?

  71. Marty
    May 11, 2015 at 12:36 PM

    How many of us who are at the receiving end of parental alienation left the relationship because we were being emotionally and verbally abused? What has made us think that our abuser would stop when we left the relationship? I think parental alienations is another way to continue abusing us but in such a way as to make us virtually powerless. There is nothing my ex could have done to hurt me more than to take the love and close connection between me and my kids away. And it hurts every minute of every day. All I can say if that he does not need to say anything anymore to hurt me. His abuse is continuing all by itself through the fact that I am being hated by the two people I love most in the world. He has gotten the ultimate revenge for every imagined and real thing I ever did wrong in our relationship. In the last text he sent me he called me a whore, liar and thief. I can still forgive all the verbal abuse, the walking on egg shells, the fear, the shouting, the lying in bed wishing I could die inside so as not to feel anything anymore, the cold shoulder, the lack of affection and total lack of respect and love from him. I can forgive him for making me feel like I have been living in a desert for 25 years. But no, I do not forgive him for the fact that he convinced my kids to believe that I do not love them and did not want to be with them. He can do to me what he wants to, I don’t care. But letting my kids think their own mom doesn’t love them or is in any way inferior to any other loving mom, that is unforgivable. And it is a death sentence for me. And I wonder, is it even humanly possible for a parent to let go and accept that a child you have loved since before they were born, unconditionally and still love unconditionally ( I even have a lock of my daughters hair from her very first haircut in the pages of my bible) hates you. And for what? I thought I was standing up for myself against my abuser. Little did I know he would have the last laugh.

    • Dea
      May 14, 2015 at 7:45 PM

      Oh, my dear Marty…kindred is how I feel now to you. I assure you some days are good and some are bad, but remember the egyptian mother who refused to split her child in two?…She proved she was the real mother by her selfless acts. Just being a mother is sometimes painful and the reward is great, however the circumstances for us and others like us offer little if any reward and the circumstance are great spiked with peril and little or no discernable reward. But I offer that if you move onward do not close your heart, because you may only get one fleeting chance. like I had recently (amen) hadn’t seen them in over 7 years and my oldest-17 (or her shadow) came into my church on a -5 day…that hour was as profound as the birth had been and she was still my daughter after all this time, i found grave circumstances in the home and with her and she was worried about apologizing to me..to me? so dear…quick as that she had to sneak out and was gone again. A few months later she’d passed of a disease that runs in my family, one chance, all I got , and I had prayed for those missing years that shed know she was loved, afterward of course, I know my prayers were definitely answered, and I should have relied on and prayed for more than that but was afraid of being too needy or selfish, imagine by the big guy.

  72. trisha
    May 13, 2015 at 4:35 PM

    Marty, I feel like we share such similar feelings and experiences. I do not know if it is possible to let go as you say and accept your child doesn’t care. Maybe this is a process we have to try to do in order to keep going. I have tried everything I could possibly think of to reach my sons but with zero success and the pain was destroying me. Now I am taking small steps to try and move forward without them and with the destruction they have left me with. I can’t live normally yet but I hope that will come. I hope you can start to take those small steps to care for yourself. We all deserve happiness.

  73. Trish
    May 13, 2015 at 11:25 PM

    You are soo right with your comment. I agree with every word. It is a constant grief that is very hard to resolve since there is no casket but just constant reminders.

  74. Dea
    May 14, 2015 at 7:20 PM

    I just don’t understand the “fighting and ownership” of it, obviously it was a bad relationship, the kids are the greatest things, just go away and live your visitations as you will, don’t disturb mine etc… If the Exs didn’t want to be married and family in the first place why fight in the second place, totally don’t get it…and They say Dahlmer was a bad guy, he admitted (proudly his wrongs) and owned them (yes he was disgusting etc…,but even that garbage knew truth)-food for thought…literally

  75. Ken
    May 27, 2015 at 6:20 AM

    I am not sure that many could ever arrive at letting go of their own children. There is always the of a good parent that things might change. A Christian perspective helps keep this hope alive. .

    However, as many have observed, the family court system is a complete and utter disaster. Governments have encouraged divorce rather than maintaining practices and expectations that help keep families together. And fathers especially have little hope statistically of shared parenting of their own children after divorce or separation.

    Rightfully blaming lawyers, judges, and family courts will do little to save the many children and parents marred by PAS. Many must suffer before society realizes the cost to everyone and demands change.

  76. Dlp123
    May 30, 2015 at 11:06 PM

    I am both the mother and custodial parent of a 16 year old boy. His father and I divorced many years ago and co-parented very well together until four years ago. I always had an opend door policy for my son to spend as much time with his dad as needed to help him experience a close bond without restrictions with both of us. His father was not as involved with his schoolwork as I wanted and he spoiled our son with expensive gifts throughout the year, but I always knew spending money was how he showed love. I attempted to help our son learn empathy, compassion, and the importance of showing love through action without ever being critical of his father’s parenting unless he ever crossed a boundary when he became angry at times as all parents do. Four years ago, his father started dating a woman who seemed to be a great addition in my ex-husband’s life. As the two of them became closer, my son started struggling with bullying and depression. He was in the 6th grade which is the timeframe for current bullying trends. I was a very active advocate for my son and he and I became even closer. Even though the school did not comply with their own policies, my son felt very empowered due to my support and the methods he and I practiced using his own unique sense of humor to counter his bullies. He was somewhat successful, but the bullying escalated nonetheless. While his dad was concerned, he did not participate in school meetings nor did he discuss the bullying with our son. I assumed it was just too painful for him to deal with as was the case in other difficult situations. My son changed schools the following year and blossomed. For two years, my son and I enjoyed a very strong bond while he made many new friendships who celebrated his wonderful personality and encouraged his talents. He created an animation about the bullying he experienced and it won top honors in the International Student Media Festival. His father started spending less time with the two of us during holidays, but I viewed this as a typical result of his new relationship. As long as my son was happy and his father and I were still a united co-parenting team, I saw no reason to be concerned. Following that year, my ex-husband and his girlfriend moved in together. Everything started to go down hill very quickly. My son started performing very poorly in school after making straight As and started acting very disrespectfully towards me. Everyone assumed this was puberty, but something didnt seem right to me. My son became very depressed and I saught help from a therapist. I was afraid he had not fully dealt with the bullying and thought he was probably having a difficult time adjusting to his dad’s new living arrangements. While his depression got better, his anxiety became worse along with his anger towards me. He ultimately became violent towards me and I felt It was in both of our best interst for him to live with his dad during the week while spending weekends with me. While I continied to take my son to therapy in attempt to reestablish our relationship, he continued to pull away from me. My son did ultimately open up regarding negative comments and jokes his dad and girlfriend were making about me daily. Even more concerning were the conflicting stories he was being told about past events with me which were untrue. I attempted to comfort him while also clearing up any misinformation. My son became filled with rage towrds his dad and said he has spent his life hearing his dad talk about me as if I were an idiot. I was shocked. It never occured to me that his dad spoke poorly of me even prior to his new relationship. I confronted his dad. While he did not deny nor confirm the stories, he did deny the daily nagative comments. I made it very clear this was emotionally damaging to our son and it was his job as his father to teach him respect for women especially his mother in order for him to one day have a healthy marriage. I was suddenly cut off from all family holidays. My son slowly stopped wanting to spend time with me altogehter. He never mentioned the negative talk about me again. Fast forward two years later, despite many attempts to peacefully resolve the alienation I have experienced, I barely see my son anymore. He rarely answers my text messages and his father will not speak to me on the phone unless he is driving home from work and his girlfriend is not with him. Legally, I remain the custodial parent. I could make my son come back home. However, my son is full of so much anger which he channels towards me, I know this will only create more hostility. My son appears almost delusional and his memories of our life together are virtually nonexistent. He believes he has repressed memories of my emotional abuse. My mother nas attempted to reach out to him, but he discounts her as well. I’ve offered to get him help to work through these memories. If I could get him help with a therapist trained in parent alienation, ultimately, the truth would come out. However, he refuses to talk to anyone and his father is noncompliant. His father responds to me as if I am overreacting. He simply says our son is going through a phase. I spent my birthday, Thanksgiving, my son’s birthday, and even mother’s day without my son. I did spend Christmas night with my son, but he went to bed early without eating any of his favorite foods or opening presents. The next morning he did open presents and seemed excited but left soon after against my wishes to be with his friends. The next morning, he called his dad to come pick him up several days early while I was still asleep. I woke up while he was leaving and he left all his presents from me behind. This was only the third time I had even seen my son in four months. All three visits totaled four nights. This is not a typical phase especially as close as we once were. I have no idea what action to take which would be in my son’s best interest. I do not have the financial resources to hire an attourney and the tactics my ex-husband now uses are more subtle. I dont want to force my son to come home leaving him vulnerable to Juvenile legal action due to his violence towards me. He needs help, but not juvenile detention. My mother is a social worker in another state. I know how the juvenile system works very well. My therapist is also not sure how I should proceed. I can’t convince my son we were once close while he continues to hear conflicting information from his dad and his girlfriend. My son is so confused and obviously conflicted. He’s failed three classes this year and probably will not graduate despite being highly gifted. I’m a teacher and I know what he is capable of achieving academically. I’m so worried about his emotional stability and how this is impacting his ability to have a healthy and happy life. I am completely devistated and would love to hear from anyone who has been in my place. I’ve only posted my story one other time and was shocked by the comments made by complete strangers accusing me of causing my son’s behavior. I would greatly appreciate compassionate responses. I work with disabled children for a living and have dedicated my life to advocating for children. Thank you.

    • KathyC
      May 31, 2015 at 6:01 AM

      Dlp, please understand that this is not your fault. I too, have come across some really ignorant responses to my PAS story. I’ve come to accept that the majority of people, cannot understand it. Unless they’ve experienced it firsthand, or are close to someone who has, trying to explain it is a lost cause.

      I am a mother to 2 daughters (ages 8&11) who I lost to PAS. I haven’t spoke or seen them in nearly 2 years. My ex and I have been separated for 6. He was an abusive man and alcoholic when I was with him. He did not have an interest in being a father to them while we were together. When we separated, we had a court order that gave him visitation and phone access. His visitation was supposed to be supervised by his mother until he was cleared by a psychiatrist or psychologist. I also had a protection order against him because the abuse was so severe and he continued to threaten me. Despite the past abuse, I followed the court order. I had the girls call him 2x/week and he was able to obtain whatever information he wanted on them (school, medical, activities). We lived 5 hours apart and he had monthly visitation, 1/2 holidays and 2 weeks during the summer. For the first 3 years he only saw them 2-3 weekends/year and maybe 1 week during the summer.

      He tried relentlessly to make my life a living hell. He called Social Services on me numerous times for ridiculous accusations. Each time, it was investigated and dropped. My oldest daughter was seeing a physchiatrist and he harassed the psychiatrist to try to get him to make bogus accusations of me and my new husband. It didn’t go anywhere but the psychiatrist was not impressed. In 3 years he took me to court 24 times, citing these ridiculous accusations. Each time, his case was thrown out. The last time in the jurisdiction we dealt with from the beginning, the judge told him not to come back to the court room unless there was a legitimate change that needed to be made.

      In the meantime my oldest daughter was having issues. She became very secretive and started to do some horrible things towards my husband and I. We continued to try and get her help but her behaviour continued. It became clear that her behaviour was stemming from ideas put into her head by my ex. It’s hard to understand how she was so influenced by him, how easily she was brainwashed. She tried running away numerous times and in her mind believed fictitious events made up by my ex. We had so many good memories and she was choosing to believe in things that never even occurred. She made every day awful and it affected the entire family, I had my younger daughter and my husband had kids from before too. The last time she tried to run away, my ex served me with papers for custody of her. I did not contest it. I had exhausted every avenue and she was getting the best professional help available without any improvement. I had to think of the other children, it was not fair to them to endure the torture she brought on. I thought that maybe the environment with my ex was better for her as she would be able to have more one on one attention. So, a court order was drawn up and he got custody of her and I kept custody of our younger daughter.

      I hoped that this would be an end to the constant chaos and for a while it was. I was an idiot and said I didn’t need child support anymore, even though I made $30,000 and he made $100,000. I wanted to move on and was trying to be amicable. Financially I was ok, but in hindsight maybe things would have turned out differently if he didn’t have money to buy off a lawyer/judge. I did not have much of a relationship with my oldest daughter as it was controlled by my ex. When I did talk to her or see her she was rude and disrespectful. Sometimes I would call, and on the rare occasion I was able to speak with her I could hear ex coaching her to be rude. I had shared parenting rights but he found a way to block me from receiving any information about her. I requested report cards at least 6 times from the school, and although promised they never ever showed up.

      At home with my younger daughter and step kids things were peaceful. We were able to carry on life as a family unit. The community knew what had happened with my oldest daughter but they knew how deeply disturbed she was and didn’t question my actions. She caused major waves with almost everyone she interacted with, and left horrible lasting impressions. The peace lasted roughly a year. Ex only saw our youngest twice during that time. I felt I had moved on with my life. My youngest daughter went to visit her dad for 2 weeks in August 2013. The drop off point was at a service station and I remember feeling like something awful was going to happen. I couldn’t put my finger on it and reassured myself that it was only 2 weeks and I would see her again. I hugged her tight in the rest room of the service station, I still remember the feel of her tiny body in my arms and the smell of her strawberry shampoo. I told her I loved her and would miss her and we proceeded out to the vehicles where her dad’s girlfriend was waiting. That was the last time I saw her.

      A few days before I was to pick her up, I was served with papers claiming that my ex had temporary custody until a court date a week away. He made up an abuse allegation against me in his jurisdiction, got an emergency ex partie order granted and was awarded temporary custody without me having any knowledge this was even happening. I couldn’t even defend myself. This was not supposed to even be possible, switching jurisdictions. It is mind boggling how a judge can make a judgement like that without even taking into consideration all the stuff that happened in the other jurisdiction. Worst yet, this judge was assigned to always handle our case. Corrupt. Anyways, the following week I attended court only to be told that since my youngest daughter was already living with her dad, that we would need an assessment done for both living locations and I was responsible for the cost IF I wanted them to even consider moving back with me. The cost came in around $20,000 and after seeking legal advice I opted against getting it done. When I asked about the abuse allegations, the judge chuckled and said there was no grounds for them and “it was just the sisters plan to be together”. A 9 and 7 year old did not make that plan. To make things worse she didn’t even order a visitation schedule. She said I had “generous access” which translates to no access as it is controlled by my narcissistic ex. As expected, I have also been blocked from my youngest daughters life completely. Somehow, both daughters have taken on the abusive role of my ex and I am not willing to tolerate the abuse. Once in a while their school “accidentally” phones me and relays how poorly emotionally their doing. Once they realize who they are speaking to it gets quiet, and they never send reports of anything they promise to.

      It is sad, but I have let go enough to where I can function and feel happiness again. My husband and I moved away and started over fresh. I know not everyone can do this but it has helped tremendously with the coping. For some time, I really did contemplate ending my life, I’m glad I didn’t! We have been blessed with 2 wonderful children of our own and it’s a struggle when asked how many kids I have, to respond with “2” and not “4”. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. It hurts to know how messed up my daughters are. But, I’m at peace with my actions. I’ve thought out all the scenarios in my head and there is nothing I could have done differently, without ending up with the same outcome or worse.

    • BruisedbutnotBroken
      July 10, 2015 at 5:51 PM

      I am going through this as we speak. It was just a month ago when my son left for visitation and now has decided that I’m an evil monster and wants to live with his dad and not see me. I saw this start happening two years ago, but didn’t know that there was a name and a way to combat PAS. I feel at a loss now and don’t even know who or what I’m fighting for. I’m tempted to call my lawyer and say just give them what they want. I feel so defeated after being in court for over a year trying to prove I’m the good mom that I’ve always been. My son doesn’t remember anything good about me anymore.

      • Adele
        July 14, 2015 at 10:32 PM

        I know exactly what you are feeling. I was served papers last August (on my bday – what a great guy) to change custody of my 13 yr old son after 7 years of divorce. Suddenly my son will not have anything to do with me. After 5 months of trying to convince my son that all the bribes his dad was giving him were just to turn him against me. I had to stop the bleeding- money and heart ache. I let him go. I’ve been working through every emotion since he moved on Jan 1. 7 months and I’m still blind sided by little things that make me miss him so much I just start crying- even at the grocery store.
        I told my son that I will always have an open door for him, but I don’t expect him to understand until he is old enough to move out of his dad’s and think for himself.
        I feel relieved to know this group is here. I don’t feel so alone in my pain.
        Good luck to you.

  77. auntkimmyg
    June 15, 2015 at 7:53 AM

    I am so glad that people are finally talking about this situation.
    I had not seen or talked to my daughter for over 5 years, now we are slowly building our relationship.
    My ex-husband did everything possible to keep her away from me. Told her horrible horrible lies about me, he tried to ruin my standing in the town we live in and he is a Police Officer!!!
    I missed 5 precious years of her life. I missed her first boyfriend and first kiss, all of her High School years. I missed helping her pick out a perfect Prom dress, Homecomings, dances and even her graduation!! But I never gave up or will give up where my only child is concerned. I agree with the article, at times I grieved as if she was dead. I would find out tidbits of her life through mutual friends. Did I mention that he also had her alienate MY entire side of the family, yep it was awful!!!
    It was not until she moved out of his house that she contacted me. It was just this past Christmas (2014). I had been speaking to one of her friend’s on Facebook, not knowing that my daughter was living with her. This friend somehow talked my daughter into calling me. I will never, ever get a better Christmas gift – ever!!!
    We are taking it slow, working together to undue all the damage that has been done. So please don’t ever give up, you never know when you might get that phone call.
    Thank you for shining a light on a VERY real injustice.
    Kim Gorman

    • Trish
      June 25, 2015 at 1:34 PM

      Am praying for all of you that are suffering and have suffered this loss that no one can seem to understand unless they have been through it. I don’t think I have recovered from it myself although I do have some contact after 8 years with my son who was ripped from my life at age 10. My daughter and I don’t speak. It’s all about what is in it for her financially and this she has learned from her psychotic father. My son still lives with him and can’t keep a job. It’s weird to have grieved your children and then have conversation with them after years. You wind up withdrawing and not feeling like a parent anymore. It’s scary and I think an outcome of the trauma. I do the best I can to be in touch with him but I struggle at times Don’t want to get what remains of my heart ripped out I suppose. There is only so much a person can take and my best advice is to talk to someone professionally so they can at least listen and not judge. Best and heartfelt prayers for all.

  78. Roger S.
    June 17, 2015 at 3:02 PM

    At the end of a 3 year divorce, my x-wife poisoned my then 19 yr old daughter and 15 yr old son against me. I came to realize everything during the ugly battle was fed to them by their mother’s probably with intense emotion. Yes it was ugly, I was awful, but she too was just as evil (and probably even more evil if I gave details). There was just no one there showing them both sides. It’s done now and my children have not seen me in almost 4 years. My son has no communication. Each time my daughter writes me (digital) I don’t help my position (she won’t call or see me). Married 28 years, an excellent participating father with my children. A great provider.., they never went without (and probably too much). And I am sure it asked they would support this (it is not about any type of abuse or anything – and while she left me for another guy, I think it was over before that – I could not live in a loveless relationship with the continuous other men)… I’ve lied plenty during divorce but the lawyers (liars)… they lie to each other, lie in court, and make it happen to keep the war going so they get paid more… Such crap you can only learn once I am certain.

    So now dealing with this “rejected parent” situation. I am nearing the “giving up”. I feel like I am starting to lose those good memories of my family. I am certain they must be concentrating on the recent vs. most of their lives with me. Yes, I did plenty wrong but I did get professional opinions and did what they said and it did not work. She just really did a number on them! Now the kids have both moved out and they won’t give me address or phone numbers. I had been sending mail, gifts, etc to their mother’s house, but I don’t even think they get it.

    I don’t think I have 14 years before I let go like Sam. So sad it is to hear that you went that long. I sometimes feel like I just want it all to be out of my head so I can build and enjoy some new memories. I have my girlfriend of almost 4 years in my life with her children (grown and out in the world). And now their children (becoming my grandchildren as I participate in their growing up).

    I am almost 55 and still on the emotional roller-coaster… get to thinking may be they will call me this fathers day… (this will be 4th with no call, card, contact I am sure). I reached out and have all letters sent them. Asking to meet, me fly there, fly them here. pay everything… just a face-to-face (I feel like that will work). No reply… I am now down to card at birthday to them. Have pre-paid college fund for my son in FL, but not going to use it. A college degree… Still pay insurance, car club, etc. Never a thanks, never a note. When should I stop that???

    Rambling, its almost father’s day I guess.

  79. Paul Lyman
    July 1, 2015 at 7:37 PM

    I am a simple guy and I am not very good at articulating my feelings especially around my court case to gain visitation with my daughter. Thank you for helping me understand these complex feelings and myself. Well written.

  80. Crystal
    July 2, 2015 at 2:15 AM

    10½ years praying, fighting to be reunited with my son taken 3000 miles across the country by a vindictive ex-husband ( my sons step-parent). Becoming physically and mentally disabled, unable to work and unable to continue paying the $ required for legal help, being served child support order for my son that was kidnapped and constantly being threatened and hounded by child support enforcement, D.A., Judges, Sheriffs coming to my home to arrest me for contempt on not paying the support, hate mail from my ex stating that my son hates me and will never want to see me and to give up, my other son committed suicide while away at college just 15 months ago…even then my ex refused to allow any contact, wouldnt even let my (now) 15 year old son attend his older brothers funeral…This is the reality of my life. Being my childrens mom was my life force, my purpose, a cherished gift from God. Without my boys, living is no longer how I can describe the days..the nights…Its merely existing. The joy, excitement, compassion, love, hope, reason I once felt have long faded, time moves awkwardly with no definition of day or night, an hour…5 hours or a day…a week have to differences as they all just seem to run together. I have been punished seemingly sentanced to death for which no crime exists. Will my health hold out for that day, that may never come, that day he finds me and I show him the countless returned birthday cards, Christmas Cards, emails professing my love a want for him to be back home with his mother and brother that loved him and never stopped. Will he care? Will he listen? Will he come? Will I suffer the fate of my father who died so young from the same illness, he to never got the chance to explain to my little brother ( that was 13 when daddy passed) how much he loved him. Will I to die alone.

  81. July 12, 2015 at 2:56 AM

    I am having difficulty understanding why my other children still maintain a relationship with the daughter that alienated me….It feels like they are enabling her when they continue to befriend her…… I’ve read a lot on this subject and this is what most psychologist say……… “In a painfully ironic twist, when other family members demonstrate love and acceptance to a child who has alienated a parent, it gives the child the strength he or she needs to maintain his or her inflexible and hurtful position toward the one alienated.” ….It’s been 2 years….I have apologized, offered to fly her to see me to discuss it, continued to send gifts on holidays and birthdays, and all I get is silence…it is VERY painful….but for me the MORE PAINFUL part is that the other siblings don’t stand up for me…………would love to have some help with this….thank you, Kate

  82. Angela
    July 16, 2015 at 1:57 PM

    Are there any alienated grandparents,

    • forgottenmother
      July 17, 2015 at 1:51 PM

      Hi Angela, My daughter who is 15 now alienated me and has mostly alienated my mother who is 82. My daughter had a great relationship with her grandmother and spent alot of time with her. Now my mother sends her emails that she rarely returns, phones the house that she lives in and leaves messages that are not returned. The last time my mother called she was put on speakerphone by my ex and he was very rude to her, while the kids listened. He did the same to me many times, indicating to them that this is how we treat “these people.”
      My mother is devastated by the alienation and I can only hope that she can see the day when my daughter matures enough to see that I left due to an abusive relationship.

    • Renee
      July 19, 2015 at 10:00 PM

      We are. My son’s ex girlfriend is keeping us from our teen grandson. Her mother is helping her. Funny but the other grandmother had it done to her and hated it. But she thinks its ok to help do it to us. My son got married over a year ago and his ex girl is so jealous that she can’t control his life anymore. She’s told our grandson that his dad has a new family now and doesn’t need him. That he is all she has…and so on. Yet she’s been married for over 6 years! They are in court now. She’s asking for support going back to day 1, even though they lived together for 10 years and he’s been paying support for the last 3. She told her lawyer that she’s never worked at this one company but I produced a business card with her name as a manager. The she told him the grandson is here every other weekend. I was able to produce texts messages to show he’s only been allowed here twice this year. And she claims she’s been a homemaker for the last 10 years…then why did my son pay for daycare for 8 of those years. I went thru this once with my stepdaughter and now this. It’s like it never ends.

    • Roger smith
      July 23, 2015 at 11:56 PM

      Thanks.. My kids are older 18 & 24 (son/daughter). I was an excellent dad! Love filled our house, I spoiled them. Yes the end of marriage was a huge scar for them. Now 4 years no contact worth mentioning. Another Father’s Day past. Another birthday past. I don’t even know anything about them now. Locked out. It gets real thick! I feel like I must have really messed this up. I think about them every day all the time without exception. I need some peace so trying to let go. Ouch!

  83. kellu
    July 26, 2015 at 5:13 PM

    I’ve been fighting the courts for two years the child doesn’t even live with he dad lives why Mary gettle use to be my friend she using my ex to do the court hearing to keep my child they tell him what to say or do brain washed him against me

  84. August 9, 2015 at 6:12 PM

    I have been dealing with with for 20 years or more. It has gotten worse due to the gossiping new wife who is hell bent and has destroyed family relationships not just with my son, wife, and grandchildren but the inlaws have fallen into the same identical lies and I am shunned all they way around. Just the other day they came into town and I am always told that they are with each group of parents and split there time up because they live out of town. But I find the ex his wife anf my son’s wife’s family are all together the entire week outside from my time with my granddaughter. I have tried for years to put a stop to this. I have bent over backwards to try to make their visit a nice one and I get nowhere. I can’t take the 3 hours my son is supposed to be with me takes off to play golf with his dad or visits friends instead of me having time with me. I am at a loss. I can’t take anymore and have even considered taking them to court for defamation of character. It is created a depression, anxiety, and tears that I sometimes can’t stop. It can’t take the pain and it us so bad and I am treated with such disrespect even now from his wife because she is to young and believes everything the ex wife gossiping about me and says harassing thing to me acts out and trys to dominate my granddaughter. It has hurt me so bad that I am considering just remove myself from there live completely. I don’t know what to do. I was left in tears when they left the other day and noticed I am never photographed with my granddaughter but the exs wife us along with them and all the inlaws but me. This has been a petter of behavior that has been generational. A bad habit the had done the same identical thing to his own mother. Any advice? Do I sever ties. The pain causes me to feel like a failure when I am not. I have been labeled as the same as my ex husband’s mother took. I want to end my life because the pain hurts so bad. So I have thought about completly severing tie to my own son.

  85. Mahat
    August 12, 2015 at 9:13 PM

    I am about to give up. I am sick of the court doing nothing about the alienation and my ex-wife’s wanton contempt of court orders. It’s like they are blind. Either that, or they see it appear hamstrung to do anything about it.T

    he family court system has been the most ineffective thing I have ever paid for. It’s like beating my head against the wall trying to get the court and even my own attorney to be proactive and think ahead. They are sheep who blythely move one a well-trodden path of fee billing until the money runs out.

    My girls have not been in school for two years. Yes, TWO YEARS, and the court has done nothing about it. Why isn’t their mother doing jail time?

  86. eli
    September 5, 2015 at 3:14 AM

    I thought reading about parent alienation several times over the last couple years would help me, unfortunately it hasn’t. One doesn’t see a mother as the target most of the time but that’s exactly what I am. I hurt my exes ego and heart and am truly sorry for that but what he has done to my children I can never forgive. I won’t fight him in court because I don’t have the funds nor do I want to put my children through that, the divorce was enough. I did the joint custody where we have them an equal amount of time because he refused to pay child support but that wasn’t good enough. He had to manipulate my children to think that I was the “Devil” and didn’t love them, that I cared more about my friends and “boyfriends”. I struggled for a couple years with them even coming to my place on my week and went thru CPS calls that went nowhere. I survived and thought it would get better, it hasn’t. I won’t fight him in court because my children will resent me for then trying to take them away from their Father so, it’s a lose lose situation. He moved back to our hometown 6 hours away last Christmas and my boys stayed with me full time to finish schooling. Everything was great and I was able to reconnect with my oldest (who knew all about our court proceedings and what happened between his father and I.) and I though things were going good. My oldest even said he missed me and felt that he could be himself more when he was around me but of course he then went to see his dad and everything changed. He decided to move with him since of course EVERYTHING is so much better with him than with me and I was going to keep my youngest with me. I however, didn’t want to be so far away from my son as he was entering his freshman year and my youngest was sad not seeing his father that much (probably better for him and his psyche) but whatever, here I go packing up my life and moving back as well without a job or anything in place just to be close to my oldest and keep my boys close together. Now, here I am and only get to see my oldest every Thursday for 30 seconds to congratulate him at his game on a job well done. Every time I ask him to come over or go hang out he always has an excuse “Dad is going to buy me a new game”, “we’re going to see Dad’s family”, anything and everything under the sun. I’m tired of trying and told him that he’s old enough to choose. He doesn’t have to always do what his Dad says but I guess to him he does since he buys him everything and thinks he is so much better than I am. I am not going to beg him anymore to see me and I told him that. 5 years of pain is too much. Here I am struggling to make it while it’s now so much easier for his Dad to see our youngest and just easy for him because what he says goes and what he wants he gets at everyone elses expense. To friends and family I am just following him around and doing what he says but it’s not about him I just keep trying to do what’s right for our children but I’m tired and sometimes I don’t think anyone really understands. That’s it. I don’t ever post but I just am at such a loss right now.

  87. LMA
    September 16, 2015 at 3:11 PM

    I raised my son for 18 years. It wasn’t easy, he was a difficult child, never really happy, always wanting what he couldn’t have. His father was there every other weekend but didn’t really do much -an occasion xbox game or take them out to eat, etc but never there on the first or last day of school, never volunteered or showed interest in his activities. When he did show, he was disengaged, late or on the phone. The past year, his senior year, “Dad” starts to be more proactive. My son and I are happy to see that he’s more available. However, what has transpired was an all out parental alienation with my son telling me to F* off and that I can’t be trusted. I reminded him of all that I have done over the years, not for cudos but to ask where in anything I have ever done for him and our family I have been in a position not to be trusted or now at the level of such disrespect. He just kept saying, “Dad is right. You can’t be trusted.” Now, every birthday party, event at school, holiday, christmas lists – everything was shared with his father for several reasons: it IS his father, it’s not my position or right to withold the information nor determine what his father does with it so if I send the info to him and he comes/responds, great. if not, that’s on his father to make the choices. The last reason WAS to avoid this issue…so that he could never look back and say I prevented him his father. His father got sick a few summers ago. I bent over backwards working with him and his father to make the children available for pickup, family gatherings an offering to drive them to wherever, pick up anyone from the hospital or airports, etc. because although I dislike the father – he IS their father. So this isn’t a mom who spent years alienating her son from his father. This is a mother trying to foster that relationship without forcing it on either. This same man abandoned our daughter. They argued for 1.5 years until finally, when she was very sick from the dog he had from her allegies, she asked if he would at least get rid of the dog so she could be there every other weekend. He said no, the dog stays. She packed up her bags during her senior year (see a pattern?) and moved out. Knowing the importance of a father in a daughter’s life, i spent time trying to work with the father to have him reach out to her. All he said was, “She can call. She left.” I had to remind him he’s the father and yes, she left but they both had a hand in the issues and as the adult and father, she needs you – you have to try. They have a cordial relationship now at best but at least they have one. My ex has been filling our son this summer apparently with all kinds of stuff that led to his finger twitching F* you language and that I can’t be trusted as he stormed out the door…then father texting me asking if our son can have his stuff. I stated that our son was just AGAIN disrespectful and rude and had gone too far, chosen to leave this time for good, he has stuff at his father’s and that his things here remain for if/when he returns. His father went off on me about how I did this to him. I don’t know what i “did” but I do know that i was the only one there for him in his classrooms and field trips and practices and games and orchestras and learning to drive and homecoming and prom and selecting classes and registering for college and middle of the night illness and night terrors and you name it… What I did was recently found out he’s taking drugs, which has developed into anger and rage, and told him the rules of our home regarding respect and no drugs. Dad is allowing our son complete and utter freedom, buying him expensive things and denying there is a drug problem (one look at all his social media accounts begs to differ). Dad is enabling and a codependent of our son’s issues. I can’t walk away but right now he’s under the grasp of his dad AND drugs AND now 18…I fear he will end up in the morgue or a rehab center some day because either the lack of rules and complete freedom will do it – or realizing he abandoned his mother and his father isn’t there for him. Dad is slowly dying. His health from his condition a few years ago has taken over. This isn’t about sympathy for dad and wanting to be there – I made sure of it when he was 15 – not with the anger and drugs involved. So when his father is gone and he was alienated from me – where does that leave him? I would certainly be here for when he returns (but without the violent behavior and drugs) but how do I let him know that I love him and still there for him when he won’t see me…and so he knows that very soon, when his father passes, he still has a home to return to without being subjected to his rage filled words, his physical actions and his outright defiance? I have my older daughter and I have a younger son (from a 2nd marriage) to consider, as well as myown. But I always told my children I would be there for them no matter what…abandoning him goes against everything and certanily I was there for him for 18 years…abandoning now isn’t a concept but the hurt and anger at him an his father and how my son cuold be brainwashed, and so quickly, forgetting the past 18 years is mindboggling. Yes, this is long. Sorry. This has been a very emotional week and I never saw this coming so feeling very helpless.

  88. KB
    October 2, 2015 at 6:30 AM

    I just stumbled across this site while searching for help and ideas on how to stop this exact same road I see my 16 and 1; year old girls going down. Their Dad is doing the exact same thing with them to me. My 16 year old told me last night “have you ever met anyone that really annoys you and you just hate?” My reply? “No, I can’t say that I have.” “Well that is exactly how I feel about you. I hate you!” Ugh – talk about ripping my heart in two!! The things that come out if her mouth, that she really seems to believe about me now, I know are coming from my ex and his family that now illegally live with him. His father is to never be alone with my girls and now he and his wife live with them. I need to figure out how to report this violation to the proper authorities as it just happened. I’m at a loss of how to help her or even be there for her. I’m scared to death I’m going to loose her and then my younger will follow. 😓

  89. Stephanie
    October 5, 2015 at 6:02 AM

    Letting go; Alienated parents giving up? The best way I can explain it is when you come to realise that the situation you live with everyday has caused you to become a social misfit.

    That you have been living between life, death and hell for so long that you are no longer able to converse with everyday people about everyday situations because the life you live is no longer ‘everyday’ and you merely keep trying to put one foot in front of another and try to survive the hell you are living. It’s nearly a year since I’ve seen or heard from my children, I don’t know where they are, or how they are doing. My ex has kept them against binding agreement. My children have put false testimonials in legal court documents and are so hostile towards me now I don’t know who they are anymore. I grieve for my lost babies, I grieve for when I used to be a mother and I never got to say goodbye.

    This is as close as it must come to living hell on earth. I’ve become mostly numb now, there are times I want to scream, throw things, but instead I sit quietly while the nausea, dizziness and numbness takes over. I have nightmares most nights and getting out of bed, putting on a fake smile and going to work is a talented act. Apart from necessity I don’t go out anymore, I don’t socialise with people. I’ve become a byline in my children’s lives, someone who used to exist, now I just get through each day, I don’t live anymore, I am currently living death too!

    • Bruce W
      October 7, 2015 at 3:07 AM

      Stephanie – it’s practically impossible to get past. 5 years for me and it is practically a living hell. I hope you have a good night, but I have bad ones all the time too. You are not alone, but it does make you feel like a social misfit. I can relate to everything you have said.

    • renee
      October 7, 2015 at 4:56 PM

      Hi Stephanie…please know that you are not a misfit. That you are loved and are not a byline in anyone’s lives. Your children know the truth of who you are. I’m not a bible thumper, but I don’t believe a loving God that would do this. It’s the work of the devil to turn you away from him. Stay strong in your faith.

    • Roger smith
      October 9, 2015 at 10:39 PM

      Sorry… But it sounds like you are using this forum to go out. And I don’t even know you. Just for today

  90. Clarissa
    October 7, 2015 at 6:54 AM

    We’re fooling ourselves to think alienating parents are a minority. This behaviour is sadly on the increase. It seems to me respectful parents are the minority.

  91. Melissa
    October 29, 2015 at 1:10 PM

    I am a survivor of a psychopathic husband. My children are adults, and my ex has continued to go at me in every form possible. I am currently waiting for a new final court order as I was a stay at home mom for over 22 years. The issue (of many), is that I need to move on and grieve for the loss of my daughters–they support their father and I am tired of trying to figure things out. I have no agency, and my daughters think I am to blame. It’s chaos. How do I move on and cope with social pressures?

  92. Yahnalablog
    November 7, 2015 at 9:04 PM

    As a Grandparent you have double the pain, the pain not seeing your Grandchild and the pain for which your own Child is going through. Obviously if you are a close Family everyone suffers some form of discomfort and pain.

    In the loss of a loved one through natural causes in time the pain starts to receide a little. With long term loss of a Child due to an Alienating Parent the years become even more challenging and is the opposite to a Family death as it get harder to cope.

    When it comes to be stubborn and to take on all comers I am no match for anyone, I would rather die than give up on my Grandchild. Sadly it has taken its toll on my health and may eventually be the death of me. I often wish my Father was a live as he would just take the Child and suffer the consequences. I have thought that to but I may have a few days with the Child and would never be able to see her again and no doubt that would please my Daughter in law.

    If you have been Alienatted to its worst capacity where all of the Establishment has lied, you will know what I am talking about. One day It will come to pass that the penny will have dropped with the legislators that they have read PA in exactly the opposite way and that thousands of Children have been forced to live with a bad Parent through the Courts system. I live in Scotland, but it does not matter what Country you come from, all the Parliaments and Courts get the majority of cases wrong. That leads to Children being denied a childhood to grow up being loved and develop good behaviour and be happy.

    Over the years I have been fighting every organisation you could imagine, I am now managing to expose all the lies, but will my health last out. My philosophy is that each generation grows up to make the world a better place for the next generation and that keeps going. So please do not give up on your Child, speak to others and never stop speaking about PA. What is PA, it is a CANCER INFLICTED ON A CHILD BY A PARENT? The tool to spread the P A disease is LIES. Not just lies by the Parent but lies by School Teachers, Social Workers, Health Visitors and the list goes on.

    Despite everything I have been a volunteer in the Community for forty years and worked with Children, sadly I am seen as a Grandparent not fit to see their Grandchild. The reason for this is the Court Reporter said that my Grandchild is suffering from Headaches and has nightmares, despite my Family have not seen the Child for four years. So how can we be seen as being unfit.

    There is nothing good about one Parent trying to destroy the other as the Child(ren) become the victims. I know the worst form of P A is where a Parent has a behavioural or mental health problem. It is also concerning that the amount of so called professionals that are benefitting from Childrens misery. People who are earninga good living out of P A should put some financial aid towards Parents who have lost everything and can’t progress due to the lack of money.

    Please fight for your Child and if you are a selfish Parent alienating your partner, please stop and think of the long term damage you are doing to the Child.

    I wish everyone good fortune and to try and be a good caring Parent.

  93. Garin
    November 7, 2015 at 10:53 PM

    When do I let goof my alienated 15 year old

  94. charleegone
    November 9, 2015 at 12:03 AM

    I went through parental alienation in the 90’s. I thought I would die many times. The emotional agony was astounding. No one could relate to me except others going through it. The rest judged and judged, rejected and rejected. My own family now shuns me, and I was the victim. In fact, they tell me I am a victim but scold me for being one!. It was a nightmare. Now my kids are in their thirties and mean as hell to me. I stopped trying. My daughter still finds things wrong about me so that she can gain sympathy from her father. That is the only role I have in her life. My son refuses to talk to me. Sometimes it never ends, people. The only comfort and reason I got through it was having a personal relationship with the Lord. HE alone got me through it. I can say today after twenty years of it, I have found happiness. Not in a man. But in Christ alone. I miss my kids and wish they would love me and wake up, but they choose not to. My ex has the money and charisma: I’m just a poorer aging woman. I have no value to them. Sadly, my kids had character when they were with me. I taught them character. Now they live for money both of them, and they are not nice people. I hope someday they change, but I’m going to follow Jesus no matter what. When I die, all my tears will be no more. God is good even if your family stinks. I praise His name for helping me. I am sorry for anyone having to go through this.

    • Done
      December 28, 2015 at 9:22 AM

      Amen. Going through the exact same thing. Honestly, I don’t even like my alienated kids any more. I pray for them, but they are truly awful people.

    • Donna
      January 4, 2016 at 1:02 PM

      I am going through this still after a year from my own parents that refuse to realize that are hurting me and thier grandchild in the long run.
      I have felt like what’s the point and had thoughts of going! I have a passive aggresSive parent that does not listen a type a personality so ive been told.and is impossible to even have a civil conversation as soon as he s in the wrong excuses blame spiteful words come out from my parent.
      my son has learnt from them he does not even ask about what I’ve been up to etc. I have to talk about him all the time just as I’ve had to do with family. And apparently he’s better off as I can’t but him as much! That’s bad! My son feels trapped and had given up saying anything. I am going back to court for more contact as no need for situation to be as it is now.
      Anyone for any advice. Thanks x

  95. Jan
    November 9, 2015 at 9:52 AM

    Hi Everyone. My name is Jan. I have been divorced now for over 5 years. I didn’t know so many people had this very same problem with dealing with their children. My ex and I were on the rocks for a couple years before she moved out. She started hanging out with a male “Friend”. Two weeks after burying my father, My ex informed me she was moving out and two weeks before Christmas of that year she took her things and my 8 year old daughter. My world was upside down. I felt no self worth at all. 9 months after she moved in with her friend I decided that I should move on with my life. At the time I would have my daughter every weekend and I even had her for a week during the summer. But when my ex found out that I was talking to other people she literally beg on her hands and knees to take her back. Of course I said No. After she got the hint she tried everything possible to make my life miserable. Then she went to the one thing that would kill me. And that was my daughter. I have read some of the blogs and it sounds exactly what I’m going through. At this point my daughter is cold hearted to me and only needs me when money is involved. I have cried like a baby long enough and I have decided that I have to live my life. All I worry about is god forbid that if anything would happen to me my daughter dealing with the guilt and the should’ve, would’ve and could’ve pop up.

  96. Kathy Lovelady
    November 10, 2015 at 10:54 AM

    child abuse

  97. Terry mom
    November 16, 2015 at 12:15 PM

    No women wants their children to be fatherless,being a father means being stable for your chil.from my experience i have at my lowest from a man who would buy things for his gf and even boast about.always wore expensive clothes,bought a car and would even brag 2 me that he had money but failed 2 do anything for his own son.1 day i got tired of it and kept telling him what his son wants him but he could still spent months not seeing him,making promises to my son and not living up to those promises.thats left my son very hurt,he and his gf would text me and disrespect me.it was then i said enough is enough bcoz he isn’t useful in any way.i cut him off and keeps asking 4 forgiveness,some men never change no matter How hard u try to encourage them to have a relationship with their children.he would ask his son who am i dating? Some men are just idiots coz he left us and at first was angry but got over it coz i saw that he wasn’t a man i would build a future with.i would even dismiss stupid comments he would make coz i knw that im better than that,he put me down every chance he got and im denying access to his son and my conscious is very clear,deep down he knws im a good person and if u allow ppl to walk all over u,u allow it.im studying and dont need a jail bird near me or my son.the sad part is that he never sees anything wrong with his short comings,2 many sorries but never changes.my son needs a stable father and he aint that.

  98. Rebecca
    November 16, 2015 at 6:53 PM

    This website has helped a lot over the years. Is there an online forum for support?

    My ex (we divorced over a decade ago) is starting to win in attempts to alienate me & I am not handling it well. He is encouraging my kids to be destructive at my house. I really need to talk with other parents for ideas or simple venting but no idea where to go.

    I feel so blasted helpless, I am slowly loosing my oldest kids cause he is buying them phones and other gadgets as a reward for being mean to me.

  99. Hope
    November 21, 2015 at 2:04 PM

    There’s a good video on youtube about being an estranged parent. She talks about how if your kids hate you year after year after year then at some point you have to move on and give your love to people that accept/want it. If your kids are not wanting a relationship with you, what can you do? You can’t force it. You can’t sit around and hate your ex, as that will kill you. Sadly, the only thing you can do is move on. Some of you can fight, some of you can’t. After seven years I stopped fighting. I stopped wasting money on two kids who didn’t give a darn about me. They still relish when they hear something negative about me, because it confirms the reasons they alienated me. They are not the children I raised. After living with their dad for seven years, they have become just like him: mean, evil, rotten, greedy. They have no clue what loving a mother means. To them, I am a monster. And they feed off that. They love it really. I am currently on my own with no family now. It is very difficult. But I have learned to live without them. I choose to be a better me and make the world a better place by being kind to others. Some days it gets to me and I get bitter. Right now during the holidays it’s so hard. I envision my kids and their dad and his family all together mocking me, which is what they do. Who can endure that? Only strong people. It’s sad that this happened but I have learned that THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ANYMORE. I can’t change wills, I can’t force anything. I can just live a solitary life and die alone. I’ve accepted that. It’s easier than living in denial. Still painful but not as much. For most of you, your kids and your ex are happy and don’t give a darn about you. This sounds harsh but it’s true. So quit agonizing over it and move on if you have/see no hope. Don’t let them have power over you any longer. I know it’s hard. But you can do it. Live as best as you can. You know I watched some Hitler home movies on youtube. He was smiling and loving his neices and friends in it. But what was his end? Evil has its own end, friends. Life your life making it better for others and don’t be a part of evil. Life is too short.

    • Dero
      November 29, 2015 at 4:57 AM

      My reality is exactly as you have desccribed to the ‘T’……In April of this year I realized that my adult children dont need me to protect them from their father, I needed protection from them (all of them)….I decided to divorce (mentally) them and put myself first….My children know what their father is and they also know that to have his love they must be mom haters…and they are…I keep hoping that the anguish and hurt I feel will someday disappear….

      • joy
        December 24, 2015 at 2:08 AM

        I don’t think the hurt ever really leaves, but it gets easier. When you stop being a victim it helps. By that I mean accepting they don’t want you and moving on. Keep your heart open but guarded too. In the end you have to love yourself, which is hard when your own kids hate you. Yes, the anguish and hurt do lessen.

  100. Jason G
    November 26, 2015 at 7:41 PM

    I am a father of 3 kids whom I have not seen since they were young…I tried to get help through free or low-cost lawyers but it appeared that most courts only side with the mother so I was left out in the cold. I tried to reach many times starting in 2005 but the mother was very angry with me concerning the divorce. I tried to make a bargain with her; I said I would watch the kids for free while she went out, school or whatever. I remember the last thing she told me…”You’re an a h and if you want to see your kids you have to take me back to court” She than hung up on me. I was heartbroken. After 4 sad days or maybe more of literally mourning my kids I made a decision that if no one was going to help me I would move away and start over. I spent 9 months in New Orleans trying to pick up the pieces and starting over. I It was than Hurricane Katrina hit and I had to start over again moving from one city into a new one where I only knew my aunt and cousin. I stayed with as long as possible until I met someone who I mistakenly thought I would fill the void but I was mistaken…just when I thought it couldn’t get worse my aunt wouldn’t let me move back into her house and I had to stay at a homeless shelter until I found an apartment close to the city.I stayed there for a year or so until I met another person but she too turned out to NOT be a person that could make me happy and I moved into a Charity-like Church dorm. I lived there while working part-time while still going to school for IT. I suffered through some Christmases even spent time in the hospital for depression. (Holidays can be the worst) I am seeing a therapist for this and it really plainly been a hardship to live for me( I feel so selfish ) but what can I do? I think about them especially today November 26…I miss you Alli, Patrick, and Brianna even if you don’t know it

  101. dana
    December 1, 2015 at 4:43 AM

    I am a dad, and have not seen my son in many many years,, I text him,, and call him,, he never answers,,i just wish him a happy holiday ,, when they pop up and that’s it now,, I was married 20 yrs,, my son was 18 when I left,,, my wife is a narcasist, and control freak,, and not sit here or there, cannot fix any ladys car, ever, I was a auto mechanic,, she slapped me 15 times and then kicked me out of the house I built,, I never looked back,, I was abused as a kid,,, so no way was I going to take the physical abuse.. who would,,,well she could not hurt me financially, because she knew I would always make good money,, so she took the most important thing from me ,, my son.. and yes I read and read, and u are right,, it is like being dead and living every day over and over,, dead inside with a hole in your heart.. I been drinking more and more,,, trying to kill the pain,, I am a mental mess.. just hope I survive. sending u all so many prayers.

    • Patrick
      December 21, 2015 at 8:35 AM

      please try to hang in there….im a dad as well and after 5 yrs nothing changed….and NO the hurt never goes away…….why ? because we really DO love our kids….and sadly love is greater than hate

  102. Eric
    December 4, 2015 at 4:18 AM

    I’m a Dad. My son was 8 when his mother and I divorced. My ex wife was never a good communicator to begin with and so I would often have to learn about grades, accidents, and other significant information through my son. About three years later I committed to a job transfer to another state. Since that move I have had to pull teeth to find out what’s going on with my son. Today he’s 18 and resents me and doesn’t want anything to do with me. I have flown him over to where I live countless of time spending thousands of dollars over the years. I have spent tons of money outside of the thousand dollars a month of child support to buy my son shoes and other articles of clothing because what he was wearing was either out dated or tathered. I have made numerous attempts to communicate with my son via Skype, texting, and phone calls when we were apart. I would find out weeks later about broken legs, trouble at school, or problems with teachers and all of those and other situations I would find out from my son never my ex wife. My ex remarried as have I, but just recently her husband committed suicide. My son has not taken this well for obvious reasons. For the past three years my son has over time communicated less and less with me and now its completely non existent. Until now I did not realize parental alienation was even a word. But now I realize that my ex has gotten away with murder!!!!!!! Like I said earlier my son and I were very close and now he wants nothing to do with me and brings up the baggage from my ex wife and I had that I had no idea he knew about and is very angry with me. I am blaimed for everything bad that has happened in the past as if his mother is not only exempt from her wrong doings but has become mother Teresa, a saint, an Angle, and dirt free!!!!!!! I cannot believe their is no law in Colorado against people who are alienated by the opposing parent. I can’t believe their is no education for both parents about this horrible crime my ex wife has committed. I feel lonely, sad, agree, and frustrated and their isn’t a dame thing I can say or do about it!!!!!!!!!

  103. sasfrass
    December 6, 2015 at 12:29 AM

    My ex who had supervised visit for great reason. Fell out of our sons life for ten years. I didn’t tell our son anything bad about his father. I took him to counseling. I also hired a detective to locate him and when not found filed in court for full custody, six months after this he surfaces. .
    Gets two summer a of supervised visits. Hence brother who owns record company is the supervisor. Our son plays guitar, sings and writes music. Anyhow, son returns from summer visit. Starts acting up..I figured it was because he was 14, he starts asking me questions each night right After talking to his father on phone. Then he refuses dinner and only wants to eat cereal..etc..

    Anyhow, last Christmas while son was at visitation my ex refuses to return him back to me. They hired an attorney who claimed they had no way to locate Me and son was in grave danger to be returned to me. I was oblivious to this because I was never served if that nor their allegations. Yet I did have a court review regarding supervised visits scheduled for that January 15. I went to court about the supervised visitation…and ended up having a full blown hearing of stuff I was never served about. My ex said I beat him and went to jail from it and accused me of doing all the stuff he did to Me.with out any evidence to back himself up. Then with Que cards my ex attorney had son get on stand and asked him question like how many different classes has he attended with school..my son counted from kindergarten to freshman high school..and the attorney said, see she has moved that kid every year of his life. When fact is that he lived in same home from age 5 through age 12, at which time our home had burned down from an electric fire. Anyhow, the one sided trial lasted for eight hours…I had no defense, not even served for me to compile hard copy proof against their allegations. So, son was awarded to ex and all supervised visits removed, I was LitterAly yelled at by judge.
    Since then son isn’t allowed by ex to talk to me on phone etc…recently, I found some letters in bottom of sons dresser drawer. It wAs dated of the time of sons summer visit five months prior to Christmas.
    One page had a list of how horrible I am. The next list was fully of all my ex attributes.
    The third list was a check off sheet…said stuff like 1. My mother doesn’t care about my nutrition..then there’s a check Mark and a note. .eAt only cereal. 2. My mother yells at me all the time. Check, got her to yell my name up stairwell. 3. My mother talks bad if my dad. Check I asked her about dad molesting me as a kid, grandma told me he did molest me. 4. …stuff like that…and every dang thing on that check off list was used against me in court and when I had o.e hour with son to day goodbye I asked him whose idea was this. My son said it was all my idea.

    Its painful…because if what was said in court I never get to see my grandson again. My ex reported me to r.n. boards as a child abuser and I had to go to r.n. board courts and thank God proved through hard copy that what was said in custody courts mock trial were all unfounded allegations. It has been a night mare. And I will mot been go there about the fun my ex had on f.b. I.m. my side of family, pretending he was our son..stuff…yeah, pretty sick stuff..

    In this literature it says that ex’s with mental disorders and personality f.o. and plot and plan stuff like this. My ex is bi polar, and borderline personality disorder..

  104. KathyC
    December 8, 2015 at 4:08 PM

    Brainwashed, thank you for your input as an alienated child. You have given me a small window of hope that one day, my children may want to reunite with me. You have proven, after a lifetime of brainwashing, you still had a desire to seek the truth. I am an alienated mother and everything you have talked about mirrors my own situation.

    I feel my children are punished the more I try to reach out to them. Though now, I have been blocked completely. I say this only because of years of living with their father, I know what it is like to be emotionally abused.

    What happened to the memories of your father (you had as a child)? Were they repressed or completely forgotten? This is something I constantly wonder of my own kids. I lost contact with each daughter around the age of 7, and had beautiful memories up until that point. Where did those 7 years go in their minds?

    Bless your heart, if you were my child, I would have nothing but love and forgiveness for you….now and in the afterlife. My children have done awful things to me, but if they came to the realization that you have, I would receive them with open arms.

  105. wayne
    December 9, 2015 at 7:57 AM

    I have been looking for an explanation of why I feel the way I do and this page is an eye opener for me personally and acknowledgement to the way that I feel. Alienated and confusion is a daily feeling when I see my Son detached from how I wanted him to be in his later years. I always got a call to tell me he was being a little ******* or a ****, which to me was an impossible thing to deal with, for the sake of my own status in his life, and for him to take on board in any sense. I kept up payments to his Mother for years and helped when financially able to only to find money was not going directly to him but on his siblings that were not mine. One occasion I received a call, out of the blue, which had me calling the police out of concern and they attended the address out of concern for his safety as all I could hear was a male voice SCREAMING obscenities at him. I stayed in his area after we split for 2 years to make sure he was ok and sound psychoiogically with his parents splitting up, and being told 24 months later that his Mum had remarried and got the impression he was told not to tell me as it was none of my business. This is what I wanted to know, that he was in a stable home and in a secure family unit, so I left to be with my direct Family after an absence of 14 years. I kept up phonecalls daily to him, visited regularly and provided money when needed, and as already mentioned, when financially able to. 8 Years on employment stopped and started and I have had a constant battle financially. He goes to school 3 times a week for an hour each day which will result in a lifelong struggle when schooling officially finishes but it is out of my control. Alienation is a very close feeling and no one understands that. I could go deeper here, but wont and am making steps to see a counsellor to talk about things to keep my own sanity as contact has gone,phonecalls have stopped and contact is minimal, and maybe once or twice in 24 months.

  106. December 14, 2015 at 6:03 PM

    I do not understand why people do not take the alienating parent to court? My son has been fighting his ex for 2 years and has not seen his kids the entire time. He has been very patient and has done everything the court has ordered him to do. Within a couple of months he will have full custody of his 3 boys. This was well worth the $10k to give his boys a chance at a good life.

    • December 18, 2015 at 8:01 PM

      Bless your sons heart and his children, they have all endured much…My children are adults now, however the effects remain from the brainwashing at the hands of their father…I have spent 22yrs mourning this problem and it took a kick in the face to wake me up and realize that this isnt going away, and if it ever does it will only be when my ex dies….My present husband of many years said something to me that I never thought about…He said, your love for your kids is Unconditional and they know that you will always for give their actions, however their fathers love is Conditional upon them being Mom Haters…when he said it it hit me like a ton of bricks and it made a world of sense….
      Today I am at peace with it, I have let go and I have realized that I protected them from his evil all their lives, but there came that point where I had to let them go and protect myself from THEM….I deserve a fulfilling happy life and today that is my focus…I will always love my children w/ all my heart, always….But I will never sacrifice myself for them again….
      So sinse this decission I have received hate mail, vicious evil emails and I have been told by them that they hate me….
      The way I look at it today….I had the BEST years of their lives, before they were seriously tainted and misled into a world of hate and discontent…..
      Bless your heart for enduring this w/ your son and grandchildren……

      • Kevin
        December 21, 2015 at 12:00 AM

        I have been dealing with PAS now since April of this year and it is by far the most painful life experience I have ever been through and I agree with you that nobody understands the feelings unless they have been through this living nightmare. I don’t know what to do anymore, I spend my days thinking about suicide and all the different ways to end this pain, I have never thought my son would turn on me even though I knew his mother was alienating me for 5 years, and now that my son has said he doesn’t want to have a relrionship with me it has torn my soul in two and has left me so distraught that I can barely function at work and I rarely leave my bedroom as I am paralyzed with
        sadness and grief. I don’t know what to do I have been a great father, always there for my son never missed any of his school or sports events, I was even the primary parent for over two years due to his mothers problems with alcoholism, and though I was completely supportive of her through her battle with alcohol, she started her campaign of alienation against me right after meeting her o husband. I identify with so many stories on this forum and my heart goes out to all of you, I don’t know what to do anymore and acceptance seems be impossible for me.

      • Yvie
        December 21, 2015 at 2:02 PM

        My son’s story is similar to yours Kevin, but it is recent origin. My son has a shared residence order of his two boys and has shared their care for seven years. The boys are now 15 and 11. My son has been a good father to them and has always put them first, going without himself frequently. He never at any stage believed his ex. would be able to alienate his children from him. A few weeks ago his eldest boy starting being rude to him. He took it that it was part of growing up. It seems that a one week work experience at his stepfathers place of work had been arranged, but there was no consultation about this despite the shared residence order. Apparently he would not be able to come to his dads that work due to the hours he was at work experience. The next thing was that he had changed his phone number without telling his dad. The week after the work experience he phoned his dad saying he would not be coming that weekend and if he were honest, he did not want to see his dad at all. The way he spoke to his dad was like a stranger talking and that he was going to get a job with his stepfather and his dad would only hold him back. It shattered my son totally and he was unable to go to work the next day. The youngest boy came on his allotted days as usual, and was very loving to his dad, calling him amazing and the best dad ever. He is coming on Christmas day but we don’t know about the eldest. All this has come out of the blue as at the end of October my son and the boys attended a Halloween party and had a fabulous time. Any normal mother would have said to her son to go and sort it out with your dad. Not my ex. dil – no doubt she is delighted.

    • December 20, 2015 at 3:09 AM

      Hi Dale, we did take the alienating parent to court, $30,000 later and no better off. The nassistic mother lied her way through playing the victim. In fact it worked I her favour as she used it as a tool against us!
      The judge even requested an independent witness. All that did was give fuel to her fire, another avenue to make us look bad, even coaching the children what to say when they were interviewed. Clearly your situation is different, lucky you!

  107. Amy
    December 21, 2015 at 6:38 PM

    I finally gave up this year. My twins are 24 years old. My ex husband literally convinced them all of their lives that I molested them. (He’s a sick man). Funny how I have 4 kids by this man and he choose only to alienate my twins, which he viewed as a trophy their whole lives. While going through our separation, he stated clearly, he didn’t care what happened to the oldest and youngest, but I wasn’t getting near his twins. I have a great relationship with the oldest and youngest. He doesn’t. I tried everything I could by just being me to get the twins to see I wasn’t who their father said I was, but in the end, it just doesn’t work. He bad mouthed me their whole lives. It’s sad really, but I could never fight him financially, he used the kids trust funds that he had access to, to fight me. He of course, used the trust funds of the oldest and youngest children. I cut off all ties with him personally when my last child with him turned 18. I’ve tried reaching out to the boys, but he’s too in their face even now. I’m done. I”m emotionally exhausted and just tired of it all. I cut all ties with the twins, removed their cell phone numbers and blocked them from me, and blocked and removed them all from facebook. Sure, a little piece of me has essentially died, but at some point, you just have to live and move on. I made that decision earlier this year and I’m sticking to it. I’ve got 4 other children whom I love dearly and I never was, nor will ever be, a child molester. As a matter of public record, he did come after me for child abuse and it was unfounded. Of course, all of this was back in the 1990’s when PAS was first being talked about and laughed at by the courts. This will be my second year without them for the holidays, last year, the one twin sent his girlfriend in his place… I can’t even be angry about it anymore, I’m at a place where I just don’t care…… if you’re going through this and you can’t imagine how I can’t care about it… trust me, it goes on forever and one day, you’ll reach the same place… In the end, the ex got his twins and he “won”… I hope he chokes on his victory. He may have won, but the twins lost. They lost a mother, they lost brothers and a sister, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and a whole lot more. But, he WON! I will always be bitter, but, I’m not a welcome mat and it’s over….

    • chfg
      December 28, 2015 at 3:32 PM

      I am so sorry for your loss.

  108. Bruce W.
    December 21, 2015 at 10:41 PM

    PAS sufferers – MY DAUGHTER SENT ME A CHRISTMAS CARD on Friday – December 18th 2015. I had not heard one word from her in over 7 years. It wasn’t a personal card, it was a picture card with her, her husband (I wasn’t invited to her wedding) and their puppy. She did address the card herself in her handwriting and didn’t use a computer label – which I noticed and appreciated. She is 25 years old now and is a school teacher. I am like most of you. I went to court 20 plus times, had my ex wife and her 2nd husband after me ruin my relationship with my daughter because they demanded I double my child support or I’d never see my girl again. Mean, mean people and mean, mean behavior. I have learned not to hate them which wasn’t easy, but it took a while. They will have to deal with God at some point and that will be their problem.

    My PAS situation hit about all 15 or so steps time after time – over and over. The last time we were at court, the Judge put my ex wife in jail for willful contempt for PAS and basically ignoring all of the court orders. She was also ordered to pay me $5000 in attorney’s fees which was only a drop in the bucket of what I had paid out. I thought SURELY THAT WOULD STOP HER. WRONG !!! At that time, my daughter was 17 (nearly 18). Unfortunately friends, once the kids reach that age, to me it appears the court doesn’t want to upset the apple cart and expecting the court to help anymore probably won’t happen. Her attitude only got worse and never got better. Just like most of you, over the years I’ve begged and pleaded, but to no avail. Tears, depression and loneliness. A huge hole in my heart that can never be mended. I don’t think PAS can be undone, but maybe it can be mitigated.

    So I prayed for any contact with my daughter and I visited sites like this because hearing the stories of others in like PAS situations is one of the very few things that made me feel a little better. Very few people understand this stuff except us.

    About the card. I was thrilled but I’m cautious. Today, I sent a card back with a thank you for the beautiful picture – and I included a DVD of about an hour of her Christmas moments we had filmed over the years – pre-divorce and post-divorce. One of the VERY FEW things I got out of the house when my ex had me removed was all of the video tapes of babyhood, holidays, etc. For obvious reasons, I didn’t rush to make copies for my ex after all she had done. I wasn’t holding them for ransom, but I wasn’t rushing to hand them over either. I actually haven’t been asked for the videos yet, but hoped one day wanting to see them might be an incentive for my daughter want to get in touch with me.That being said, her seeing this DVD will be the first time in years and years she will have seen her childhood on film. I’m in all of the clips and I hope it helps her remember (acknowledge to herself – I know she remembers) that I was always there and was a good dad.

    I can’t get my hopes up, but I’m blessed for this only contact from her I’ve had in years. The mere fact that my daughter acknowledged my existence is my rock right now. PAS is all about taking a pair of scissors and cutting us alienated parents out of the picture. It’s a badge of honor for them and the ex to remind us how irrelevant, awful and unwanted we are. Just my daughter sending me a card addressed to my name tells me I haven’t totally been forgotten. I am thankful.

    So, I got a Christmas card that completely surprised me. It may not amount to anything, but I’m very carefully going to do what I can do. I’ve never given up hope, but I’ve not had any reason for a long time to have any, so I’ve tried hard not to think about it. As we all know, the torture is that we can’t forget about it. Now maybe there is a sliver of hope for me. So to all of us who think our kids have 100% erased us from their minds, they still remember who we are. I think they feel very guilty for the things they have done to us that were not their idea, but they were manipulated into participating in anyway. I think this is a huge roadblock in them coming back to us because they don’t want to face the people on the alienated side and think walking away is the easy answer. If you think about it, it is the easy way for them to deal with it. Pray that they will see it wasn’t their fault and that they won’t feel blamed. Pray that they will read a book like “Adult Children of PAS” or meet somebody that can help them understand. Merry Christmas and peace to all as best you can.

  109. December 22, 2015 at 2:47 PM

    Please allow me to also share the gift of hope this holiday season — http://afamilysheartbreak.com/blog/

  110. joy
    December 24, 2015 at 2:05 AM

    Bruce, sounds to me like your daughter is reaching out. She probably feels guilty and confused. I would just not get too emotional and keep praying. I am very happy for you. My two kids still hate me. But my dog loves me to pieces. I am happy and have accepted things after many years of hurt. I am so happy for you. And your kid!

  111. Laurat
    December 24, 2015 at 10:16 PM

    Interesting forum. I’m in a similar situation, but with little children that didn’t reject me, but their father closed the door to communication. I let them go to live with their father after I fell into hard times that landed us all in the homeless shelter. He took them and moved to another State. I started getting on my feet and took an opportunity a year later to travel abroad for school and work. I so much loved my life abroad that I started planning to bring to kids to my new host country (in Europe). At first he entertained the idea (possibly pretending), but displayed bitterness that I moved overseas (amongst other bitterness). After almost two years of being overseas, and a recent visit back to the States to see them, I took a break and didn’t call for two months after I returned to Europe out of frustration that everytime I called or tried to do my best by them, I had to take so much verbal abuse and disrespect that I stood back to assess everything (out of calling 5 times, I would get them on the line only 1). He didn’t like that move of me not calling and has not let me speak to the children since. It’s been 4 months or so. I’m pretty mentally strong and have already been through hell prior to even moving to Europe. This is just the next dimension, but a piece of me has made piece with whatever has happened or will happen. Such is life. You do your best and leave the rest. Difficult task, but what other choice is there? If anyone has any information how I can effectively inform the authorities or an organization on a minimal budget and from my location, that would be awesome.

  112. Done
    December 28, 2015 at 9:09 AM

    I will always pray for my kids. I don’t want to see my two oldest kids any more (youngest has a different dad). At all. My 29 year old daughter has asked to meet me for the second year in a row. I don’t want to see either one ever again, unless they acknowledge their extreme betrayal, disrespect and treat me as I should be treated. I think it’s disgusting and abuse. These kids had a choice to make, they were bribed and took the bribe. They are accountable and disgusting people. That’s how I feel. So attack me.

    • Kevin
      December 28, 2015 at 10:01 PM

      I think you should allow the reconnection with your daughter to happen. Our children are not to blame, the alienation happens only when a sick alienating parent fills their head with disgusting lies and betrayal, a child only learns what their parents teach them, and one parent is so hell bent on destroying the relationship with the other parent, they will stop at nothing to create the illusion that their other parent is a bad person, and instigates anger and resentment through a campaign of hatred. When the child/children don’t go along with the alienation, guilt and anger is brought on them by the sick parent, and eventually the child feels that get have to make a choice to go along with the anger or they will be subject to anger and aliealnating parent forever. Please don’t ever give up on your children, it’s not their fault.

    • December 29, 2015 at 1:53 AM

      I think we’ve all been attacked enough. I fully support not communicating or wanting too. I wouldn’t piss on my twins if they were on fire and there was no water. It’s the same respect and concern they’d have shown to me and would show in the same situation. No one is better then dear old dad…

    • December 29, 2015 at 7:12 PM

      I will NEVER give up. There is always prayer and hope. I have not seen or spoken to my son since he was 14 years old, he is now 22. I was treated with disrespect and verbal abuse. He has been brainwashed by an evil monster. He is a victim. There are many books on sociopaths, narcissism and parental alienation that you can educate yourself on this behavior. Please consider this before you give up on your precious children. They are victims.

      • Done
        January 9, 2016 at 7:09 AM

        They are not victims. They had a choice. They are choosing evil.

  113. December 28, 2015 at 9:12 PM

    Very discouraged! Haven’t heard one success story rather survival skills. I wonder if there are any proactive strategies that work, if so, I’d like to hear about them as I do not want to say good-bye to my son and future grandchildren forever. God help me for the thoughts I’ve entertained. I refuse to be as sick as my ex filled with all-consuming hatred. I let go everyday but I’m not giving up.

  114. December 29, 2015 at 4:26 AM

    I am beyond the courts. Our divorce was settled six years ago and my oldest is now 22, It’s crazy this psychological hold he has on my oldest son considering they never had much of a relationship. The ex knows how to play the brainwash game..the poor me. He calls my son buddy. He doesn’t know that he’s the parent. There’s no reasoning with a sociopath. I’ve been told when having to choose they chose the parent they’re afraid of losing cause he knows I’ve always loved him unconditionally. It’s sickening but I try not to get angry at my son as he is under the influence of his hateful father. My son is truly the victim here. For now I’m grateful my 16 year old son is with me and doesn’t see his dad who lives only five minutes away. That’s on his dad as I have never stood between them or asked my boys to choose a parent. I would have encouraged it but I will not let him infect my younger son. I only eishbinknew what I was really up against from the beginning. I pray that good will prevail. It has to!
    My deepest sympathy and heartfelt support if you too are going through this with your ex.

  115. Rose
    December 29, 2015 at 4:40 AM

    I agree 100% Don’t ever give up on your children it’s not they’re fault. I just hope my ex lives a long miserable life and a slow death…just sayin!

  116. December 29, 2015 at 8:35 PM

    As a mother…just going through another Christmas without acknowledgement from my children….no gifts, no card, no call…no response to my texts…no thank you for the gifts I sent…..it’s a level of sadness that cannot be adequately described. the children and I shared a sweet and loving relationship. Following a nasty year long divorce, my ex said “if you don’t fight for money, I won’t fight for the children”….done.
    I left an emotionally abusive marriage after 20+ years, without asking for spousal support/alimony. I just wanted my children with me….but that’s when he went to work. Within 3 months….the children
    would return from visits with their father, hostile toward me….my daughter telling me
    “I hate you for ruining the family”…followed by “I hope you have a home invasion”.
    Shortly after, she went to live with him….then my son that had been totally ignored by his dad to the point of therapy throughout his childhood. My son said “dad is my best friend”. I never imagined living without the children…coming home to an empty house was
    truly unbearable most days. The only time the children would come visit me was to retrieve personal items they wanted that remained at my home. When I had major surgery, no call, no visits…it’s all so surreal. As a woman that suffered 4 miscarriages
    before giving birth to the children I had wanted so badly, and relished every moment, loving being a “mommy”…and now….nothing. I miss them so much, and wonder if
    over time and getting away from their fathers constant vitriol…if they will remember
    who I am…their mother that would do anything for a sincere hug or small sign of
    some love toward me. I have taken my ex to court over this, and am facing him again in the spring…I am financially and emotionally exhausted. Thank you for sharing your
    experiences…it helps knowing I’m not
    alone in this sad fog. It gives me the strength to continue to fight. Lila

    • December 30, 2015 at 6:19 AM

      Lila….I’m so sorry. You are not alone. Hope and pray. It will get you through. Your children know your love for them is unconditional. On the other hand, it is conditional on their hatred and absence of you in their life. This is all they know right now because it has been engrained into their innocent minds by an evil monster, sadly, the other parent. Over time, as they begin to mature, they will figure this all out. Pray, it will all come to terms in god’s timing.

      • lynnwessinger66
        December 31, 2015 at 3:11 AM

        Thank you so much for your reply. I do pray they will see the light, and return to me. I hurt for all that go through this,
        and it’s shocking seeing how many parents can be so manipulative…wanting to hurt their exes more than loving their own children.

  117. Renee
    December 30, 2015 at 1:08 AM

    My son’s ex girlfriend has had it in for him with the alienation tactics ever since he moved on an married last year. Funny…she was good enough to be he & his new wife’s daughters godmother!! Guess the Christian has left her.
    Be that as it may…my son, daughter & I pitched in and got a computer for my grandson (16 y.o.). It was a combined gift as none of us really has the money to go it alone.
    Well guess what?! The ex didn’t get him a computer, but the other grandparents did. They knew full well what we did as the grandson told them. Really, are grandparents getting in the game now too? I’m flabbergasted to say the least. My son was ok to be their “son in law” for 15 years. Now their daughter has a bug up her ass so they should have one too? What kind of people are these?!

  118. Rose
    December 30, 2015 at 2:52 PM

    What a crying shame that one person can steal the joy from so many lives. How I could have ever loved such an evil man is baffling to me (and I have taken a hard look at myself). No one deserves this abuse. For my ex i think it boiled done to money and s very dark side. My attorney told me don’t come between a man and a buck. Obviously my ex has deeper issues. He was and still is a prejudice, white supremist, German nationalist. Those kinds of people are a breed of their own. He once framed and put a picture of Hitler in my son’s room which I removed of course. I also went on his computer to find he spent hours a day on sick pornography. He definitely had a dark side I was blind to until he started wearing women’s panties to bed. I went along for a short while but it disgusted me. I wanted a real man in my bed – what a sick f*ck. I have never shared this with anyone. I feel like I still hold his secrets. I could never share this with my boys yet he degrades me! I told my therapist I was gonna beat him at this game. She said you can’t beat a sick mind. I think she may be right. I am angry with God that evil is prevailing. They say fight evil with good but hasn’t worked for me so far. With every attempt to get through to my oldest son, he pushes away further. I know in my heart that I was a good mother. I know somewhere deep down my older son knows I love him and he loves me. I pray that God will intervene and that good will prevail. My heart bleeds for all parents going through this as it leaves such an empty feeling and a hole in our hearts.

  119. December 31, 2015 at 11:34 PM

    I am feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing. I just want all of this craziness to be over. I have a 16 year old daughter I haven’t seen in 10 years, it is such a long story, and is really a carbon copy of the stories you read on here. I hate Christmas. When I feel such pain and craziness. I thought seriously of finishing it, but wasn’t sure I was prepared. Next week I will be. I wish I had the means today. If I do it, it has to be for sure. It can’t be a threat. NO, I can’t spend time in a psych ward and have them take my meds away. NO NO NO. I need them. So many New Years Eve I have woken after 3 days of non-existence. I have to be prepared. I can’t take a daughter who hates me and a son who told me all he needed was his brother. after I have given my heart soul and money to his acting out, lock-ups and jail time. He crashed my car and I can’t afford a new one. And he is angry with me. If he doesn’t need me, nor does my daughter and I spend my life alone, pretending to be happy. No more!

    • January 2, 2016 at 12:42 AM

      Julie, We ALL feel your pain. I know exactly how you feel. I haven’t seen or spoken to my son going on 9 years. It never gets easier because you will never stop being a mother. I REFUSE to give up EVER!!! I will continue to hope and pray. Surround yourself with supportive individuals that understand what you are going through. I can’t say I’m happy ,I’ve just changed my acceptance. Hopefully, as your children mature they will understand. YOU have to be there for them then. You are their one and only mother. That will never be taken away from you. Continue to stay strong and when that day comes, welcome them with open arms and look towards the future with them. Pray. It will happen.

    • lynnwessinger66
      January 2, 2016 at 3:11 AM

      Hold on Julie, hold on…you are valued…even if your children don’t see our value…remember they are pawns. Manipulated and used, and while the pain is unbearable at times, we have to move forward with our lives. Please remember who you are, who you were prior to having children. Life is precious, whether others see our value or not. You are not alone. I’m praying for you

    • chfg
      January 2, 2016 at 4:59 PM

      Julie, we understand your pain. WE love you. God loves you. Go scream and cry. I wish I could be there to hug you. Can you find a church or a support group? Oh I will pray for you today. May God help you. Yesterday the pain was so intense for me I felt like going crazy!!! But I just pray and scream too. You are loved by God. He sees. Oh we feel your pain deeply. I love you. You are not deserving of this. I’m so sorry.

  120. Jane
    January 2, 2016 at 1:24 AM

    When this happened to me I had no idea there was a name for it. I knew my daughter was being turned against me but thats the extent of it. I found out about it by google when I put the current situation in google.
    For me it happened close to 3 decades ago. My husband left me and we agreed to share the custody in a divorce and try and keep our child in contact with both families. However my husband also wished to avoid the responsibility of paying maintenance so behind my back he gave the child to my parents. Being wealthy they hired a lawyer right away and made her ward of court and made a lot of false allegations. It looked like they had prepared in advance for this from the documents I was served with. I had taken up an eastern meditation, my husband was mediterrean, and had many friends of different races which disturbed my white parents. I was brought up hearing many racialist comments and my rejection of this infuriated them. My ex then pushed for a divorce as he had spent time in africa and the young lady he brought back was now pregnant and he said he did a deal that they would give over custody once I finished my teaching qualification. Etc.

    I agreed. However the reality was my ex and his family were soon treated so badly he no longer had contact and I hung on and stuck out the bad treatment. In the courts I had legal access but it was denied most of the time, at one point for a whole 12 months after I remarried. I was unable to get to court for that time. My parents used their money to get what they wanted. My ex saw my daughter put on a stool and interrogated after an access visit.

    My mother took me aside and told me it was done as vengence for me stopping her seeing the grandchild for a month or so when she was small after we had an argument at some previous point.
    And that she would tell any lie, go to any lengths and was even planning to go to the newspapers and would make up stories about me to make sure I never got the girl and that they would go to any lengths to make sure I never got the girl again. A lot of threats were made and I became quite shakey about the guns in the house as my father had been a farmer and was licenced still had all the guns.

    I was having no access and when I did I was tormented and it was very difficult and then these threats were made. My new husband asked me to go to Australia with him so we did. My parents promised after we settled down the child could come. However that never was allowed by them.

    When she turned 18 she came to visit us. I tried to tell her what happened and explain she was not deserted but that a lot of traumatic stuff went down. However she became very upset with me and it put a lot of strain on the relationship. I had another young daughter at this time.

    I tried to tell her what she refused to here in emails. I tried to get her to listen.

    However she did not and she became more closed and our contact became sporadic.

    I had some years when I was extremely traumatised and it was not till many years later when I had another child that I started to recover mentally and emotionally.

    I worked teaching and my husband having a history of ill health was unable to keep permanent work.

    When I became homeless as we could no longer pay high rents in the city we lived in, we moved interstate. My husband has since gone on disability support and we live in a camp site.

    When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I decided to share it with my older daughter as she would feel left out if I did not involve her.

    However the extent of the parental alienation syndrome has since become apparent.

    She refused to let me speak to my very elderly parents or even give me the house phone number and was determined to protect them from potentially getting upset at my situation. They have been kept unaware of both our housing and health situation.

    She repeatedly quizzed me that was I sure it was cancer it was probably something else. I was then told that at my age its not that serious, even though I had a large tumour and the doctors said I had a 48% chance it would return, she dismissed that.

    Three days before the surgery she launched a very upsetting attack on me accusing me of upsetting her when she about visited 15 years previously. All the upsets and concerns and blaming of me and blaming me for the problems came out. At some

    And again I found out I had a kidney problem and on the morning I had a medical appointment about it, again the attack was launched. I was told I was not to be trusted and had to earn trust and she was very upset in a text I had called my parents, my parents instead of grandparents. I explained that when you have children you call your husband dad, you are mum and your parents become grandparents. But it drove her into a fury of accusations about what I did wrong in her visit. And how she came over very open minded and I tried to speak against her grandparents/my parents and upset her. And well it was all a personal attack on me.

    I was told to not reply not text just to listen. This is the normal approach. She launches an attack and I am not allowed to defend myself or have any other point of view.

    I tried to say what I thought she wanted to hear and apologize even though its not how I remember events, but just before an important medical appointment shes timed it to launch a very upsetting attack.
    This time my younger daughter said ENOUGH and texted her that shes ruined Christmas for us as she did this Christmas eve and we have not heard since.

    So yes, my alienated daughter has an idea about me and I am not allowed to say anything but shes angry, blaming me for deserting her by going to australia, blaming me for attempting to tell her what happened and demanding I say nothing to defend myself as she does not want to hear but just wants to lash out. I am told I am not trustworthy and all sorts of things.

    When I found out about this syndrome in google this last week so many of the descriptions resonated with my situation.

    I have an adult child now who has been dumped serially by boyfriends who all opted to return to a previous relationship rather than remain with her. She blames me and vents whenever I am most vunerable, and demands I say nothing. We have not been in contact since the last blow up.

    Shes a very intelligent girl otherwise but she can’t see this. My younger daughter thinks she will go ballistic if I tell her about parental alienation syndrome.

    My ex husband tried to get in contact with her, but that never worked out for him. She doesn’t question that shes not had any contact with his extended family either.
    She thinks they are not interested in her, and she thinks I have an ulterior motive.

    This ruined my life. I had no motivation to look after myself materially for years after this. I was quite shattered. My trust in my nearest family was totally shattered and I was ruined as a result. A lot of tricks and lies and all sorts of things were done. Too long to write here, but I felt quite shattered as a result.

    I was given a book about cancer and I forget the title but the writer believed that cancer is a result of a past emotional trauma and a recent trigger.

    My parents were quite aware that the courts would not do much if they stopped access and told me as much. They said a lot of things.

    My daughter also attacked me and claimed I was acting at the victim. She said I have emotional problems and cannot relate to anyone and they all love me but I have some problem. Very untrue and upsetting stuff. Which she again unleashed after I told her of a medical concern.

    I was naïve enough to believe my daughter would listen to me about this.

    And my younger daughter wants me to put it out of my mind and forget her, as she’s a long way away and we don’t actually see her. I am struggling with that. I stopped trying to talk to her about things a long time back when I realised she would not listen.

    So its a very hard situation. I am feeling a lot of pain from this from the unfairness of it all. I saw this page

  121. marx
    January 2, 2016 at 5:08 PM

    In other countries this kind of thing doesn’t happen as often. Families stick together. It’s horrible what sin does to us. Imagine the first children on earth, Cain and Abel. Cain murders Abel. Imagine the pain of Adam and Eve. The only answer I have is Jesus Christ. I still feel pain over my kids, daily. It hurts like heck. Sometimes i weep profusely. I have no family support, just contempt because I am no longer a parent in their eyes. I am just nothing. My ex has total control over my kids. They think I am worthless. But I have the hope that after this life I will be in heaven with God and there will be no pain. I will be free from agony and pain then. Why did God create me to go through this? Well I don’t know. But I do know God loves me. Sin has wrecked my life. But Jesus is with me through it all. He is the answer to all this. And he can work miracles in families if people let him. We all have free will. We can’t make our kids love us. We can only love God and know that He loves us forever. I feel for all of you so much. I wish I could take your pain for you. If I could take all of your pain on myself I would. But that is what Jesus did. And He will help you through this. Just call on him and be saved. He loves you so much.

  122. January 4, 2016 at 3:23 AM

    Julie- I’ve been in some low spots as well. Please don’t give up cause then evil wins. We do have to move on seek help which has helped me tremendously. It seems the sickest ones never get help just those (us) who are affected by them. I am giving my son to God but leaving my door open. I can’t allow my self to be consumed with the same hatred an anger as then we are as sick as they are. We have to get our strength from God and from those who understand. It helps to talk about it and get out our anger and frustration. By talking about it it takes the power away from those negative thoughts. I am walking beside you and so are many others.

  123. Garnet
    January 11, 2016 at 8:39 PM

    I am here because I have lost custody of my beloved son. The courts have agreed with the Cafcass officer and taken their recommendation, a recommendation beyond my wishes. It is sickening to know that just by one report I have lost my son. Yes I am entitled to see him when I want to but it will bot be the same. They have taken my son away from me and I will never forget that. I have endured alot of heartache to be where I am now through divorce and an unwanted medical termination but no one will know how hard my life has been yet my son will no longer be by my side my only hope is to visit him whenever I can but I realise the law does sympathise with the mother who has done her all go through legal court battles stress depression and pain.

  124. Heather
    January 14, 2016 at 7:45 PM

    What are some clear signs that I’m being alienated?

    • nick
      February 6, 2016 at 1:54 AM

      You will not know much while it is occurring. You will be in denial that something that grotesque is happening. But some signs are extremely abrupt behavioral changes. You offer to reward them for helping with something and they can careless about the reward which normally they would be excited about. They shut down and rarely conversate. Tend not to be happy or smile even if you know they normally should. Defensive of the other parent. And youll see the other parent sit back meaning if they would usually be on gaurd or confrontational, now youll see them in a much more relaxed state as though they are taking a back seat to the show.

  125. J.J.
    February 1, 2016 at 1:09 AM


    I have good news in that my daughter after 22 years now wants a relationship with me. My son doesn’t and probably never will. After going through this for decades I would like to offer my advice.

    1. Try your best to love your kids through this. They will remember it.
    2. If after a long while you need to pull back and let them go/give up, write them and tell them why.
    3. Remember your kids didn’t ask for divorced parents. They are victims. They also are perpetrators when they become adults.
    4. Try to put the past behind you. Do not keep bringing it up.
    5. Follow Jesus through it all. If you haven’t found him yet, he is the best friend ever.
    6. You can’t control someone’s will. Give it to God.
    7. Love yourself and get support.
    8. Do not condemn yourself. Repent and ask for forgiveness if you need to from your kids.
    9. Accept reality. Move on with your life. There is a possibility a child will come back when they are older. Maybe not. It may be decades of waiting. Decades.
    10.You a person who needs love. If your kids don’t want to give it to you, there are others that will.
    11. Remember that our brains don’t totally develop until we are 23 or so. Then when kids get into their twenties they are selfish. It’s a long haul of waiting unless your kids find Jesus and figure out we’re all a bunch of sinful people.
    12. Even when kids come back you’ve lost decades of their life. It’s hard and you will have pain dealing with this.
    13. Grandkids. They are the most innocent. They can’t understand where real grandpa and grandma have been all these years. What agony.
    14. Parental alienation is evil. Those who do it are evil. The bible says overcome evil with good. Oh how do you do this? I sent a bible to my ex’s lawyer. I pray for my ex. Sometimes where I hear about my son and what I am missing I pray for the lost.
    15. It’s normal to feel agony and grief. My family did not support me through this. They now support my ex. They are a bunch of hypocrites. Another tough lesson pointing to the fact that only God should be our focus. He is the only one who never lets us down.
    16. You can’t really trust anyone but God. Sadly.
    17. I’m sorry for what all of you are going through. I really am. I miss my son so much. But I wasn’t exactly the best parent I guess. I tried but my ex took me to court so often I got worn down and was also depleted financially and emotionally. My kids will never understand this so I quit trying to get them to. They have lives of their own and that is their focus. As parents we aren’t their focus unless they are really good kids full of integrity and love. These kind of kids rarely exist in America due to our deteriorating culture. Sadly.
    18. Get a pet or two or three or five.
    19. Give yourself away.
    20. This life is temporary. Eternal life is what you must think about most. God bless.

  126. Colin
    February 6, 2016 at 6:09 PM

    Hello.I want share my sadness and experiences of an alienated parent.its been over 4years now since I saw or heard from I can’t at this stage call them my kids .one I think is 6 th other 16,.I saw them last when th boys were 2,and 12,.it seems block out of my mind .it feels like they died in my heart .my ex wife demon and an angry individual who has done everything possible to ruin me and my happiness on earth.on my once relationships on raising the older boy

  127. Colin
    February 6, 2016 at 7:01 PM

    Losing the two boys 4,years ago the last time iv heard or saw them has changed my life from a struggle mentally emotionaly and souly .I tryd everything I could to speak my older boy whom I raised in Ireland from when he was 6,months old to he was 6years .I gave up everything to be there for him .my ex was american and missed her family .we returned to west Virginia and it ended years later in divorce through my fault I didn love her anymore through her family interference and always putting me down .unbearable at tines .I fell in love with a close friend of mine whom listened and cared greatly for me .I left my ex and that’s when everything went terrible with the ex and kids.my youngest wasn’t born yet .my ex wanted another child to bring us closer but I felt totaly different .I didn want another child and she felt I would raise the second again .it destroyed her then and I feel stil today ..when we separated I was denied any access see any kids especially the youngest who is now a fine boy .I was even denied seen him on his baptism day .birthdays .when he got his legs straighten up because they felt they were bent cause my build as a former soccer player which was nonsense .the youngest had his ear tubes down as he had many ear infections .I was never ever told of any operations ..she remarried to a man whom made it worst .he took control both boys and that was final straw..I couldn deal with argun n constant letdowns and ignored phone calls texts ..like I was dead .Christmas time I send of gifts birthdays I send a text nothing ever replyd back.my parents sent gifts over from Ireland .nobody ever said thank you and they stopped .this caused myself and my dad to not get along because he tried contact the eldest which I felt bypassed my feelings of rejection and betrayal by my father .I having spoke him in year ..I am fully responsible for the divorce .I am responsible for her pain and the kids not having a dad then ..but I am not living rest my life in grieve and I tell folks who ask about do I have kids that they died in my heart .they have changed so much as grown kids do that I don’t recognise them in appearance or in talk or who they are .I see many movies with a happy ever after ending.that is not reality..I continue to pay child support all this time .my ex remarried and lives nice home and new cars nice job .funny but goes church. Every Sunday and her parents whom fuel and ally her vengenance and anger and guilt on me are folks who give out gods holy Communion every Sunday .yet .can’t ….forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation…..I moved away from my ex 700miles I couldn bare drive down the road my my new wife and loving woman whom has saw it all .and see my youngest in a car with them and I try catch up and see what he looks like .they saw me and laughed and drove away …that moment I cried ……their is gods law .their is mans law the courts …I gave up on that law ..I am now behind on child support and been threaten for jail and seizing my passport my drivers license I continue to pay this best I can .iv even asked her pleaded with my ex that her husband adapt the kids and allow me to move on .that way I can live my life in peace with few dollars in my pocket and a loving hand to hold in my wife and peace of god in my soul .no .they told me ….it is your duty to pay …they have it all yet they stil want off me ..I feel robbed betrayed used neglected laughed at insulted disrespected alienated .above all don’t feel like a dad .I feel nothing ..numb .lost and feel if I could turn back time I would never have net such a evil ex wife .I deep down know she will never get over my leaving her .if she was happy she would be a different woman .very clear revenge and hatred runs through th whole family regarding me it seems gets worst as the years go by. .we can’t be stuck in the past .we all must move on .my father always told me every time you get angry and spend all your time thinking of sadness and loss it occupys a space in your head .not worth the rent .the reason why I am spending time on this website is because I realise I am not alone .injustice .rules everywhere.there are many souls like me out there thinking of my words and seeing hey .I’m like him .I’m OK .its not all me at fault ..okay I screwed up I said sorry my ex wife even to this day of what happened 7,years ago or more .but what she has done to me balances everything out .let it go ..be happy …if you can sleep at night that tells you your at peace .I do ..when you don’t think all the time of your loss your doing okay .you can’t get over your losing your kids but you can learn live again .you can learn to feel again one day it took me years settle again with my wife I still hav my moments of loss self control .but hey I’m okay ..I couldn’t watch kids on TV .or movies of father and kids might would just break down and leave the room .I shed a tear now as I write these words .but hey .I’m okay .I tryd commit suicide when my ex wife wouldn’t let me see te kids before our divorce she used that against me in court and my visitation rights were on her acceptance .I had none I gave up then slit my wrist to top my elbow .I was rushed hospital and almost bled to death .today I can barely bend my two small fingers ..hey …..I’m still here stronger than I ever was ..I urge parents never do what I did .let hateful spouses or wives or husbands make you feel you want take your life ..even for the love of losing your kids .you are you .god created you .you will live .you wil love again .you wil smile again you will see again ..you wil because I did I do and I want everybody out there struggling in pain and grieving death of their kids even thought their alive but not in your life ..to be assured you will become very strong over time ..you have to for to survive I feel the hardest thing in the world .to lose your kids forever…until maybe jus maybe ……the kids will finally see the truth .gods law ..and pick up the phone or simple text..or a nice smal card …saying ……’hi dad’…..if not in your reality life …maybe in your dreams …when you sleep peacefully at nite ..Colin ..Dublin Ireland .

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