Home > Parents > Letting Go: When Alienated Parents Give Up

Letting Go: When Alienated Parents Give Up

Letting Go: When Alienated Parents Give Up 

Letting Go

When a parent endures parental alienation, various emotions materialize.  Some are angry and others feel helpless.  On the other hand, a number of rejected parents evolve into dedicated empowered advocates, but just as many are depleted both physically and financially. Some parents may ask, when do I let go? Clearly, alienated parents (also known as rejected parents) are grieving parents.  In 2002 Dr. Richard Gardner wrote, “For some alienated parents the continuous heartache is similar to living death.” Sadly, for many rejected parents, the sorrow never ends.

Most are familiar with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grieving.  First is Denial.  Denial is not recognizing reality.  As noted by Dr. Gardner (2002), denying reality is obviously a maladaptive way of dealing with a situation.  In fact, denial is generally considered to be one of the defense mechanisms, mechanisms that are inappropriate, maladaptive, and pathological. Obviously, it is hard to deny that one is a rejected parent. However, at times, it may seem easier to deny that the situation is not real. To deal with the unreal, some parents may resign.  Studies indicate that some rejected parents, similar to survivors of domestic violence, become passive. (Kopetski, 1998).

Anger is another stage of the grieving process.  However, underlying anger is hurt and a loss of power and a loss of control over a situation or an event. Unquestionably, alienated parents become angry as their cases are dismissed and their cause is mocked.  Third, is bargaining. As an example, a bargaining parent may believe if they try hard enough, or say the right thing, his or her child will suddenly have a change of heart. Fourth is depression. Self-blame, hopelessness, and despair consumes their thoughts. The fifth stage, is acceptance. Clearly, rejected parents do not happily accept their plight, but they may be forced to give up “the fight.”  That is, some may cho0se to loosely let go.    

It is vital though, to consider what letting go signifies.  Letting go is not to cut oneself off, it’s the realization that one person can’t control another. As applied to parental alienation, one cannot force an ex-spouse to cease his or her hate campaign. Secondly, letting go is not to deny, but to accept.  Acceptance is realizing that some ex-spouses refuse to co-parent.  Some alienating parents intend to turn the child against the other parent–permantely. They stop at nothing.  One study depicts this unfortunate, but true, reality, “a minority of parents who suffer from personality and mental disorders may ignore the court and spend their waking hours finding ways to exhaust the other parent emotionally and financially” ( Jaffe et al. 2010). Yes; you may realize that you, or a loved one, are in the minority.

Parents may also have to accept that they may be blamed for the rejection– blamed not only by family and friends, but blamed by society.  No one likes to point fingers these days, after all;  it is socially unacceptable.  As noted by Dr. Richard Warshak (2011), attributing a parent-child problem to both parents, when one parent is clearly more responsible for destructive behavior, is a misguided effort to appear balanced and avoid blame.

When to  let go?  First and foremost; it is personal.  Dr. Warshak’s book, Divorce Poison (2010), notes that the parent may see no viable option other than to let go of active attempts to overcome the problem.  As a caveat, he notes, “I just urge all alienated parents and relatives, and all therapists who work with these families, not to wave the white flag of surrender too soon.”  He offers seven suggestions about the possibility of letting go. One suggestion is when all legal channels to improve the situation have been exhausted.

Some parents, unfortunately, have discovered the aforementioned exhaustion. As  Dr. Amy Baker reported, “alienating parents did not respect the court orders, the attorneys were not interested in or able to force the alienating parent into compliance. Apparently, once the alienating parent determined that this was the case, noncompliance became the order of the day.”  Rejected parents know all too well, that non compliance works. A second suggestion by Dr. Warshak is when, “your ex is so disturbed that a continuing battle could provoke him or her to violent action against the children or against you or other members of your family.”  Clearly, not all rejected parents have the funding to continue the battle.

As a conclusion, should you come into contact with a rejected parent it may be helpful to offer grace for his or her grief.  Each and every rejected parent differs in his or her stage of sorrow.  They will also display unique feelings.  Some may feel  discouraged, dejected, and depressed. Or, others may feel angry and outraged.  If the parent recently read about parental alienation, and discovered there is a name to the irrational rejection; they may feel relieved.  Perhaps, they are baffled, broken, and bewildered. If they have pleaded with the courts for 15 years, they may feel helpless and guarded. When their families blame them, they may become withdrawn and detached.  Regardless of the stage or feeling(s) that accompany the pain of parental alienation, rejected parents require empathy, exultation, and esteem.

Categories: Parents
  1. Gina
    November 20, 2011 at 7:29 AM

    As a result of my ongoing experience with parental alienation ( of which I am lucky enough to have had the courts intervene within the critical initial 6 month period) I can not stress enough the valididity and importance of empathy. Unfortunately empathy is all too often in short supply these days as we as a nation have, in my opinion, become preoccupied with litigation, blame and self importance. While we all have moments when we are not at our best it is my sincere hope that every parent both strives to be and takes solace in our role as stewards for our children. We learn what we live and if we truly try each day day to be the best person we can be I believe our children will, despite inevitable stumbles and disconnects, grow into adults who have the wisdom and discernment to see the real truths in the tapestry that is their life. I have felt almost incapacitating fear, struggled with despair of the unfairness of the situation and felt my blood boil in anger…alll of these feelings remain on the fringe of my conciousness waiting for the moment to reestablish themselves but they had their time and ran their course and I try to remain vigilant to recognize when those emotions seem ready to reemerge so that I may deal with them accordingly. Grief is not weakness and acceptance is not capitulation it is part of an essential healing process that must take place if we as parents are going to be the examples to our children that Christ has given us the blessing to be.
    Know you are not alone and if you have the interest take a moment to study the definition and meaning of Agape love. It’s not easy…

  2. November 20, 2011 at 7:36 AM

    Gina, well-written. You are correct about empathy. Also, far too many rejected parents have not had their pain validated. Beautifully stated, “Grief is not weakness and acceptance is not capitulation” Best Regards

  3. paul
    November 20, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    This post is timely for me. Never the white flag, but perhaps a greater sense of acceptance.

    thank You

  4. November 20, 2011 at 3:09 PM

    Your blog post hits the bulls-eye for me, Monika. I went through the entire range of emotions you listed in your last paragraph, reconciling each one with whatever rational explanation most fit the circumstances.

    Notwithstanding the evidence that alienation extends long into the child’s adult life, similar to feelings of abandonment due to adoption, I confess that I drew a line about my attitude when my children became adults. While they were youngsters, living with their mother and more limited in their ability to reach out to me on their own, I considered them 100% innocent victims. But given the fact that they know where I am and how to contact me by phone or email, and they are now 26 and 31 years old, those alibis are now invalid. I am aware that they may not be free of their psychological bondage until their mother’s death.

    My conscience is clear. Theirs is a behavior I did not teach, nor set an example for. In this country, we have a tradition that people are innocent until proven guilty and we have a right to meet our accuser face-to-face and be presented with the charges against us. The parent alienation (abduction of the mind) that my children grew up with taught them that it’s OK to accuse, indict and convict your own father without confronting him to discuss whatever may be your rightful grievances.

    Several years ago, I came to the conclusion that each person’s lifetime is finite and precious, and I do not want to make what is left of my lifetime a relentless crusade to begin a relationship with two people whose behavior is exactly like their mother’s. I am not interested in photos of grandchildren I am not permitted to know in person, reminiscent of the annual school photos I received in the mail with the implicit greeting: “You can look but don’t touch.” or “See what you’re missing?” I simply don’t surround myself with that behavior in my friends, family or business colleagues, so buy children are no exception.

    Having said all that, the honest truth is that if the doorbell ever rings, my willingness to engage and recover relationships can be switched on immediately.

    • Kevin
      December 21, 2011 at 5:15 PM

      “””Several years ago, I came to the conclusion that each person’s lifetime is finite and precious, and I do not want to make what is left of my lifetime a relentless crusade to begin a relationship with two people whose behavior is exactly like their mother’s. I am not interested in photos of grandchildren I am not permitted to know in person, reminiscent of the annual school photos I received in the mail with the implicit greeting: “You can look but don’t touch.” or “See what you’re missing?” I simply don’t surround myself with that behavior in my friends, family or business colleagues, so buy children are no exception.”””

      Thanks Mr.Burnham…I’ve been a good dad and stating the obvious, not perfect. My ex was a stay at home mom (her choice) for eighteen years. She brainwashed from an early age, so consequently, the seed was planted and came to fruition when I left. When I left children (four) were either adults or late teens.

      I’ve spent the last six years crying and trying to build back relationships that I had no idea were already damaged prior, beyond repair. I’ve constantly had to justify myself and I feel as though I’m the child. I now have grandchildren and I feel exactly how you do with “you can look but can’t touch.”

      I’m tired and I agree life is precious. One thing I know is that nothing has worked for me so far. Conflicting feelings are always with me. I’m so tired of trying. And if I don’t try, it will be perceived as I am not caring. It can’t go on like this. Life is precious. They are all adults now. Parental alienation is a factor… but could part of it could be, as children who were abused like this are now in the entitlement generation. They are so self centered.

      Thanks… I am in the process of letting them go. Like you I would welcome them back in a minute.

      Kev

      • Renee
        December 22, 2011 at 6:23 PM

        It caught my eye when you said “if I don’t try, it will be perceived as I am not caring.” My husband has said the same thing many times in regards to his teen daughter. He feels as he is in a lose-lose situation. No matter what he does his ex makes him out to be the bad guy. Looking back at the years my SD lived with us, I can hear her repeat the ugly things her mom said to her. We now realize that the ex has been trying to alienate this child for years. Reading about PAS and Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP), it’s almost as though both subjects were written with the ex in mind. Scary stuff for sure.

    • melinda
      July 3, 2012 at 2:15 PM

      Love this! and I agree with you totally!! Same thing the pictures, the notes, the fake smiles. There are the phone calls I call “courtesy calls” on the holidays, I am not willing to be treated this way and so off I go to live my own life be happy and let go. If my 2 boys cannot find peace within themselves they will never find peace. The resentment. anger and alienation they have for me will someday turn on them. and how sad is that!

      Best wishes Melinda

    • Bob Ingogly
      May 19, 2015 at 5:29 PM

      Well said Dennis… it is stunning how many other parents have almost identical experiences… PAS is a pandemic that needs to be recognized more in our legal system. It is a comfort in some ways to know I am not alone.

    • Dlp123
      May 30, 2015 at 11:30 PM

      Dennis, I am in a similar position you were in several years ago. I am a teacher and definafely agree the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction regarding the way children are parented these days. While I do believe typical parenting for my generation involved a little too much tough love, today’s parenting in contrast allows way too much leniency. I am the mother and the custodial parent of my son. I always allowed my son’s father to have as much time with our son as he wanted. We co-parented well together, or so I thought, for years. My son was also being brainwashed from a very early age without my knowledge. He and I were very close for over 13 years and now I’ve lost him. He has no interest in spending time with me and rarely answers my text messages. I’m so incredibly devistated and feel so isolated with few resources for support. Do you mind sharing what has happened with your children since your post from 2011? My father abandoned me when I was four. I can’t imagine ever alienating my son against his father after growing up without a father myself. I do hope you were reunited with your children or at least now have a sense of peace knowing you did everything you could to be a loving father to your children. Thank you.

  5. Mary
    November 20, 2011 at 4:28 PM

    I am thankful that for my significant other giving up was not an option. He has exhausted the courts and his finances, but is rebuilding his life and supporting his children. He will always be their father. It is hardest when he realizes that being even on the fringes of their lives means hurt for them. The mother tortures them emotionally, stirring up drama, not just in private, but publicly. He keeps his distance, but she does not. We walk away but both feel that completly abandoning them is disgusting. We plan carefully so we can financially support them in an appropriate and responsible way, we keep in touch with cards, notes and small gifts, and are building a family website to record what the rest or their family is about. I hope one day to get to know them. He knows that he will always be their father and that they cannot deny that. Even if he dies before they realize, he will leave to them a story of his love and support. The court system ( MA.) should be condemned! Not a caring,loving parent. Scrap it from bottom to top. It is a despicable mess. An abusers best weapon! Wish the “occupiers” would show up at divorce court .

    • Diane
      October 14, 2013 at 4:13 AM

      I could not agree with you more regarding the court system. I feel that the family court system was the catalyst in my ex’s success in alienating me from our son’s life. The “Family Court System” what a joke!!! Isn’t the whole premise behind that system to facilitate the best interest of a child? If so, how is it even remotely in a child’s best interest to not have contact with one of his/her parents?

      With the help of the court system my ex exhausted all my financial means to fight back and in that the courts may as well have handed my son over on a preverbal silver platter. Actually once my ex finally (after years of brainwashing) managed to have our son utter the words “I don’t want to live with my mommy anymore” that was it, it was all over for me!!! My ex tried to discredit me and prove me an unfit parent for years; unsuccessfully I may add but the day my son said those words at 11 years old my ex just stood behind him using him as a human shield having our son do all of his dirty work from that point on. The courts are completely useless!!! My son has not even seen my parents or any other family member or friends of mine since shortly after he stopped seeing me. My ex knew the only way his plan would be successful was to ensure no possible contact at all!!!

      I keep thinking this is terrible nightmare that I just need to wake up from. This emotional rollercoaster just keeps repeating itself like that movie “Groundhog Day” with Bill Murray. I am just so sick of feeling sad and mad and hurt and depressed and and and need I go on? As mentioned above “if I don’t try, it will be perceived as I am not caring.” I understand that feeling all so well. I do not mean any disrespect to any wonderful dad’s out there but I just feel as if society really looks down upon a mother who does not have access to her child(ren) as historically it has mainly been mothers having the children after marital break ups. Sadly, I think men may have been experiencing this for a long time but it just wasn’t identified as it is today. I think it is a relatively new phenomenon for mothers though at least to the degree it is happening today. I have one last comment about the infamous “Family Court System” the one with the most money will win especially when the imbalance is extreme!!!

      • DH
        February 7, 2014 at 12:09 PM

        went thru similar circumstances. my son moved with his dad at age 12. I have a sick elderly mom living with me. My son claimed he was just so stressed out and he was failing school. since then my son and my relationship has been rocky. he is told I do not love him, I do not care about him. brainwashed for 4 years. see him very little, its fun at his dads, no rules and he gets everything he wants! Still failing school too. I email my son, when he even bothers to read it. letting him know I love him, and miss him and he can visit whenever he wants. But he prefers being with his dad, they have the funds to go out to eat every night, go to movies, sporting events, concerts and other things nightly, even if it interferes with his sleep for school. he gets $50 a week to spend just because his daddy loves him. I just hope some day my son realizes less about material things and that he has a mom who does love him and tries her best to have a good relationship with him. so now I just live my life, enjoy friends, and my hubby, and keep myself happy and focused on positive things. It is sad when one parent feels their child is their property.

      • CMB
        December 2, 2014 at 3:05 PM

        I am going through parental alienation with my ex. We have 3 small children under the ages of 9 and their dad has alienated them from me. He got primary custody because he had the better attorney (prior to my ex and I seperating I was a stay at home mom so I had no financial help) and the court systems are ridiculous. He has got my children to lie to cyfd and police claiming child abuse. He has completely brainwashed my kids and now they want nothing to do with me and beg to stay with their dad when its supposed to be my time. My ex is a narcissist and will do whatever it takes to make my life miserable and he knows that using my kids is the only way he can get to me. I love my kids so much and miss them so much but I can’t deal with this anymore.

      • Karin
        December 3, 2014 at 2:04 PM

        I had a similar experience with my ex and the backwards backwoods podunks he networks with (former government employee and hometown ol’ boy.) I went through the process (GAL, home inspection, private interviews with the kids) and they found in my favor, so his buddies just refused to enforce. I have legal custody but haven’t been allowed to see my daughters in 3 years. That’s fine. For my girls, the torture has stopped. (For example, he used to call them at my home and tell them he was going to die alone in his house and nobody would even know because they lived with me.) If officers of the court want to stand with him, they’ll go down with him. My girls are turning 18 and will find their way back to me when and if they are ready. My focus for the next 18-20 years will be getting that badge of respect off of corrupt chests. The Mineola Swingers’ Case was real and I have the pictures to prove it, sacrificed chickens and all.

      • Adele
        April 15, 2015 at 11:26 PM

        Diane- I am going through this exact thing right now. I read your words and they are exactly what I am feeling about the current situation with my son. Thank you for making me not feel so alone.
        Do things can get better or easier? I’m so happy I stumbled onto this website.

      • Sad Momma
        April 23, 2015 at 2:21 PM

        I am going through this exact thing now as well. It has been going on for 2 months. It is just awful.

      • KathyC
        April 25, 2015 at 5:53 PM

        One bad judge determined the sad tragedy of a life my daughters now live. I’m pretty sure she was paid off somehow, the whole procedure was corrupt…this was years after having decent judges who threw out my ex husbands ridiculous claims and told him to not come back to their courtroom unless a reasonable change needed to be made.

        Then, the imaginable happened. Somehow

      • trisha
        April 26, 2015 at 2:13 AM

        Trish I wish I could do that. I did try but the area we live is too small. I feel a desperate need to move away.
        Sam you will certainly hear no judgement from me. Perhaps envy since you say you were able to let go. This experience is so psychologically damaging.
        Stephen. My heart breaks for you. I feel like we have all suffered so much in so many ways. Barbara I feel like your post was written by me. The only difference is I do not look at my boys on facebook. I did it once and the pain was too great.
        The loss of my children, my reputation, financial destruction. I lack that basic feeling we probably all took for granted that life is safe and everything will work out. It no longer matters that what my children have said is untrue. I blame myself that I did something in raising them that they would turn and hurt another this way. The guilt for failing to fix this and the ongoing suffering has created such a hole.
        I think I should have the right to feel peace again. I just cannot seem to make that happen.

      • Dlp123
        May 30, 2015 at 11:48 PM

        Oh Diane, I’m going through the exact same thing you described in your post from two years ago. I’ve lost my only child due to parent alienation. He’s 16 now and we were very close for over 13 years. I also relive the devastating announcement from my son regarding wanting to not only live with his father but also no longer have me in his life. My friends don’t know what to say. People can’t wrap their heads around the idea of children cutting their mothers out their lives while fathers are often unfairly and automatically judged based on whatever the alienating mothers say. I’m glad this site recognizes that all alienated parents and their children are victims.

        If you feel comfortable, do you mind sharing the current circumstances regarding your son? I pray you have experienced some resolution and justice for all you’ve been through!

  6. M. Annabelle Twilley
    November 20, 2011 at 6:27 PM

    The Grieving process is a natural, and essential one to cope with catastrophic events that cannot be changed. This includes the initial Denial when the facts confronting the person, are just too enormous to all be taken in. The final stage, Acceptance for all that has happened and that cannot be changed, is also the signal for a turning point in Life, a looking forward instead of backwards. I have been attempting to re-create my relationship with the child who accuses me of being abusive when she was young, but forgiving me although not to my face, as she denies me contact with my two grandchildren ( see, still a struggle as I relapse back into the staged of the Grief cycle), I write to her, blog, research ways to give gifts that cannot be returned ( to charities that have some meaning and a good record of accomplishment). I am now at the point where it is hard to continue to read of struggle and defeat, all those places I was and want to leave behind, in group postings, in my Network of Fcebook contacts, and on. I have only one face, I am not Janis, and I want my face to be oriented to the sun, not the dark of the past.

  7. gina
    November 20, 2011 at 10:38 PM

    Like all of you above, I have gone through all of the emotions. Grief is the hardest. My child’s aunt lost a child to death and the way I explained to her was that although I do not try to downplay her loss or hurt, I would think death would be easierthan dealing with my child living less than a half mile away and only wantingto see me every six months or so. I want to make sure one day he knows I didn’t choose to be out of his life. I had no choice. All I can do is keep myself busy and try to show and love to other children and my grandchildren.

    • Diane
      October 14, 2013 at 4:27 AM

      I totally agree with your analogy comparing the grief of a parent losing a child to death verses alienation. With our alienation comes rejection, the most extreme kind!!! Rejection in a typical relationship breakup is hard enough but the rejection from a child is just not fathomable. You can remarry or date again but your son or daughter will always be your son or daughter and only we can be their biological mom or dad…..there just is no substitute for that….there is NO closure. It’s an open wound that never heals over completely. Every time I see my son or hear about another milestone I have missed it’s like someone just pour acid (never mind salt) on my wound again and again!!!

  8. November 21, 2011 at 12:53 PM

    Great article and great discussion. Thank you, Monika, for your continued insights and willingness to help others.

    In the U.S. we’ll celebrate Thanksgiving in a few days. I think this is a perfect holiday to help in the letting go/acceptance process. One of the keys to letting go is to focus on all the things for which we are thankful. Despite my status as an alienated Dad, I’m thankful for many, many things — especially the many people in my life who supported me through the worst of my alienation experience. These people deserve to have me in their lives at my best — happy, healthy and with an optimistic view of the future. While my alienated son is never far from my thoughts, the ability to to not let parental alienation ruin my life was a key component in my ability to let go, move and and even help others through their alienation nightmares.

    There is a link to a speech I made on our website at http://www.afamilysheartbreak.com/resources. The speech is called Surviving parental alienation. Please check it out if you get a chance. I’m confident the message will resonate and help.

    Sincerely,

    mike jeffries
    Author, A Family’s Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation

  9. November 22, 2011 at 4:43 PM

    Monika, thank you for this article. It very nicely pulls together some of our thoughts about blame, empathy, letting go, and grief on our blog http://www.parental-alienation-blog.com. I’d like to guest post this on there, with your permission.

    • November 23, 2011 at 1:49 AM

      Jennifer, thank you. Letting go is necessary. As Mike Jeffries mentions, letting go is needed for the rejected parent to remain happy and healthy. It also includes acceptance of “what is.” However, letting go is not the same as giving up, letting go is simply giving oneself “a break.” Feel free to re-post.

      Regards,

      Monika

  10. Renee
    November 23, 2011 at 7:21 PM

    Monika, thank your for posting this article. Although it is my stepdaughter who has abandoned her dad after living her first 16 years with him, I too am grieved as I helped raise her for 12 of those years. For the last 1 1/2 years, she has been residing with a woman (mother) who has never parented her, but has been her best friend all these years. This woman has done nothing but try to destroy my husband in every manner possible. Including vilifying him to his one & only child. I think my husband is somewhere between bargaining & self blame. I am beyond the self blame but angered over how my husband has been treated. I cringe when she calls him, asking for money for something. After each phone call he becomes depressed and we go thru the last 4 of the stages all over again. Is there anything I can do to help him off this merry-go-round? Thank you for your time.

    • November 23, 2011 at 10:35 PM

      Hi Renee, thank you for your comment! Your situation is frequently overlooked– the perspective of a stepparent. Often it is portrayed that stepparents are the one that start a campaign of hatred. This is unfortunate, as there are many wonderful stepparents that pick up the slack. They pick up the slack when the biological parent refuses to follow court orders, pay school lunches, does not adhere to drop off times, etc. instead, they focus his/her energy on being a friend and not a parent. They will not pay child support but they will purchase the latest video game. Without a doubt, they do not focus on the child, but spend time figuring out how to get even. It is exactly what you describe:…..” never parented her, but has been her best friend all these years.” Dr. Richard Warshak discussed this in his article, titled Remarriage as a Trigger of Parental Alienation. The merry-go-round may occur as according to one researcher, certain alienating parents, “spend their waking hours finding ways to exhaust the other parent emotionally and financially.” Consequently, this leaves one parent on the defense (the rejected parent) and the other on the offense. If courts have not helped in your case, coping and a support group may be an option. Self care is vital. The parental alienation awareness organization and Dr. Richard Warshak offers a lot of resources. Good luck to you!

      • Renee
        November 28, 2011 at 7:20 PM

        Thank you for your reply. It is nice to know that there are people out there who do recognize the stepparent’s role in raising children. Unfortunately for me, bio-mom started campaigning against me from the get go. It does hurt that my stepdaughter can’t see thru this charade. She is, after all,
        almost 18. I knew someday I would be portrayed as the “wicked step-mom”. Sure it hurts, but what hurts most is the way my stepdaughter treats her dad. Only time will tell if she is smart enough to see what’s really going on.

        There is, however, and upside to this situation. My husband & I are closer than ever & we have moved forward with our lives. I would be pretty confident to say that bio-mom can’t stand that.

  11. Kay Sell
    November 24, 2011 at 12:47 PM

    Dear Monika, I love your site. I guess my fight for my son has morphed into a fight for everyone’s children.

    Sophie stood in a long staggered line of people. Some stretched back and forth to see what was at the head of the line, but Sophie held the small hand of her son and cradled her daughter on her hip. She kept her head down, while shielding her children with prayers. A moment later, a patrolling Nazi Commandant caught her defensive darting eyes. The short transaction that followed was uneventful, compared to the blood and guts and “kill your whole family”, horror movies, of today’s standards. However, I can’t think of any more dreadful scene in film history.
    Meryl Streep won the Academy Award in “Sophie’s Choice”, for her ability to portray the brutal existence of an alienated parent after someone, with an obviously disturbed agenda, had taken her children from her. Sophie’s mind and soul became possessed with finding and saving her children. However, the deck was stacked, and every pebble of truth and humanity she found was yanked from her hands. She ruminated about how her children were building their own prisons and she was tormented by the ease in which the abuser destroyed young, innocent lives unabated. Sophie punishes herself relentlessly for crimes she did not commit, and also for the crimes against her children that she couldn’t stop. For the rest of her life, Sophie sought peace from the persistent whirling torture of guilt, exhaustion, despair, desperation, and the fear of acceptance.
    Audiences around the world embraced Sophie’s suffering in the setting of Germany 1942. Yet in America 2011, Society not only tolerates a parent’s pain of losing their children to Parental Alienation, but appears ambivalent to the reality that these children are being forced to build their own prisons. Within those life-long prisons, the young innocent ones will grow up never having the opportunity to live the lives they were born to live. Society replaces responsibility with the perception that the child is only “going through a stage”, and the alienated parent should just accept it.
    Accept what? Accept that your child will no longer be a part of your life? Accept that your child will no longer have the opportunities to live and love fully, like you have dreamed and worked for? Accept that your child will someday be the reason that someone else must endure the insufferable existence of an alienated parent. I can’t accept any of it.

    Kay

    • Karin Jones
      February 4, 2014 at 1:42 AM

      I can’t accept it either. People tell me to just get over it, but I don’t know how. Every second of every day, their absence is all I can feel. He spent years setting this up and I was so stupid. My girls asked me not to send them to visit anymore and I gave them the speech about “Daddy deserves his time, too.” and explained how the law must be respected. He refused to return them on the next visit.
      While my ex is responsible for his own actions, so is law enforcement. Judges and police officers who violate federal and state laws to interfere with child custody face no repercussions. That makes the whole system guilty.

    • Dlp123
      May 30, 2015 at 11:59 PM

      Kay, I’ve never been able to watch Sophie’s choice especially now that I’ve lost my son due to parent alienation. Your post is heart wrenching and tragically accurate but also very empowering and one of the most validating descriptions of parent alienation I’ve ever encountered. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing your powerful message!

  12. phyllis
    November 28, 2011 at 2:25 PM

    About giving up; it has been 25 years. My adult children have continually berated and blamed me over the duration. I have had rare visits from them that dwindled to no visits 15 years ago from one of them. The other has popped up at intervals of a year or two at a time, only to start exhibiting hostility that she projects on to me, and them storm out. Over the last year this has escalated to her making contact with me to con, (yes, sadly, con) me out of some money before she fabricated a story of “my hostility” and made her customary angry exit. This year also, in our home, she physically assaulted her stepsister who then called the police. Then she texted me at some point with four texts, spilling out abusive language and telling me that if I ever contacted her again, she would file harrassment charges. Interestingly enough, her sister made the same assertion this year. I have tried to contact both of my children by phone once or twice a year. I suppose that is it then, time to let go. What else can I do; they are adults and they have both told me that they consider my yearly call to be harrassment. Yes, I know their minds are confused and yes, the father in this case was the architect of alienation. I am not naive; there are other factors, among them my own frailty. I dare say that the aggressor described in the Parental Alienation Disorder is an apt description of my ex-husband.

    About letting go, I don’t think I can expose myself any more to this; in truth I have come to fear my daughters. I almost want to disappear for the fear that their irrational hatred will culminate into a physical attack against me or my present family members.

    Is this what you mean by letting go? I have to let go.

    • December 1, 2011 at 4:52 PM

      Dear Phyllis, no one can decide for another when to let go. However, the topic is necessary, especially for “older” situations of PAS (parents that have been dealing with PAS for 10 years or more). And, the wait may continue on for years to come, as there remains a lot of debate around parental alienation (syndrome). This is unfortunate. I am reminded of a quote, “We know that men can be made to do exactly anything. It is all a question of finding the right means”—Jules Romains. Alienating parents have found the right means. If adults join cults, it seems absurd to dismiss the possibility that children cannot be coerced into rejecting a once loved parent.

      As you noted, your ex-spouse was the architect of the alienation. Most notably, you have dealt with this for 25 years. Also, each parent knows his/her own limits. Studies show and parents tell, that one of the hallmarks is the disrespect that favored (also known as the alienating parent) teaches to his / her child(ren). If disrespect is taught at a young age, it is likely to carry into adulthood. Some parents have had property destroyed, been physically attacked, or others, if they are “lucky” may have items missing from their home and given to the parent that overtly or covertly displays a pity party (the favored parent). If you can, get a copy of Dr. Warshak’s book, Divorce Poison. He discusses the topic of letting go. It is a tough process indeed. Best of luck to you.

  13. November 28, 2011 at 2:37 PM

    This resonates with me and my family. Unfortunately, after such a long time having a child withheld from our home, our love, our attention, and then having that same child hate us, after a while acceptance is the only road to take to heal ourselves (after all else fails, miserably)

  14. Pamela
    January 6, 2012 at 9:06 AM

    Thank you for this article! I’ve posted it on my facebook page and am doing my best to help inform others of this growing problem in our society.

    The biggest problem of all; most courts do not recognize the problem. My son has been battling for 4 1/2 years. We finally got our day in court only to have our attorney shaft us! 1st he didn’t even show up, sent another attorney from the firm that we had never had any contact with. 2nd he didn’t know our case and didn’t present over half of it even though we kept telling him what papers he needed and what questions to ask. He just wouldn’t do it. The Judge found her not guilty on all of the Contempt Charges even though we did prove she was in contempt of court. What is sad is no one is really looking out for the Children who are the most important ones.

    We have been really blessed that my grandsons don’t hate us. They know we love them and are fighting for them. As a matter of fact, the oldest one who is 8, knows exactly what his mom is doing and has made the statement several times that he is angry with her and when he is old enough to tell the Judge, he is going to tell him he wants to live with his dad.

    Kay, I love your comments! They are so so true!

  15. January 16, 2012 at 11:51 PM

    A Christian point of view on this subject:
    There was a reason God had honor thy father AND mother in the ten commandments. There was no conditions put on that commandment either. The bible does not state don’t honor your father or your mother if he is mean, unattentive, missed an event, didn’t give enough money, bought the wrong gifts, etc.

    Children, obey your parents in the Lord,[a] for this is the right thing to do. 2“Honor your father and mother…”[b] (This is a very important commandment with a promise.) 3“…so that it may go well for you, and that you may have a long life on the earth.” Eph. 6:1-3.

    I believe an alienating parent is removing the promise or blessing from God on these children by teaching them to hate the other parent. A loving parent would never do these things. A loving parent would never teach to love and respect the other parent only with conditions met.

    • January 18, 2012 at 11:57 PM

      Janet: Thank you for your comment. I am hopeful that the Christian community will recognize the turmoil that alienation thrusts upon rejected parents. It is disheartening that one parent teaches the child to hate the other parent (as we know, the child does not truly “hate” the rejected parent). Although alienated children clearly appear like they are harboring hatred, the appearance is misleading. It is easy to see why many are critical of rejected parents as they observe the rejection. Or, without education about parental alienation, one can understand why rejected parents believe and internalize that their child(ren) hate them. This is yet another reason why education about parental alienation is needed. It is difficult for rejected parents when they are dealing with children who display extreme rebellion, destroy property, perpetually trash family dinners, refuse visitation (in the absence of true abuse and neglect) and many other manifestations of undesirable behavior that result from parental alienation.

      • Missy
        June 25, 2014 at 6:55 AM

        And what happens when the alienators are also your own parents, sisters and ex-husband? I am a Catholic and believe in the 10 commandments, but also believe that I cannot enable evil. And an evil in the past (which is denied and unrepented) does not make its present day impact any less evil. I severed ties with my family after trying to explain what they had done to finally an ultimatum to which more alienating behavior ensued. Not everything is so cut and dry. My action was the correct and noble one.

    • dea
      August 24, 2013 at 7:31 PM

      I have looked at the biblical perspective devoutly over these long and lonely years, to find solace, and comfort…to find any reasoning and Iv’e only fought that “…God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle”… I’ve devoutly prayed for less, because this womans broken so very broken.. I miss my 4 children 2 boys, 2 girls…my oldest is full of hatred.. the divorce started when she was 5, now 14 ( It was an abusive home, I left) i had to get him ordered back to my state w the children, he managed to get ordered to live in my home, after nearly killing me and made several damaging problems with child services and injuring me and two children I was hospitalized again and in a women’s center…Because of the previous order the way it was done the womens center could not take my children and returned them to the home to my ex …this is how life has gone 9 years…the ex from hell, the stepmom from hell she made my kids call her mom and would hurt them if they didn’t… i Breastfed them! sang them lullibys all their lives and even when they were part time they would all crawl up pon my lap anf fight for the space!… fast fw to when my ex wasn’t home at pickup time..i’d get emails where were you today “you could have at least called”… “the kids were waiting”….me- hello you live 4 blocks down the street there’s no dumb way i can miss a pick up we walk! in court hits me with contempt and not following court orders…my oldest child backs up that I never show up…I have never missed a pickup time for anything less than illness then I send a person to go get them (grandma) a 14 yr old with her own cell phone has alot to lie about a mother who already lost everything has nothing has nothing to need to lie about.
      I think these people are nothing of God, even when they claim to go to church, because they certainy never went when I was the head of the house hold , the ex was an athiest. and told me i was wasting my time…well consider false face and where that leads. I believe I am the stronger person, I still to this day do not smoke, do not drink…though i cry in church sometimes at the pain in my heart… some power is keeping me from that fate and i haven’t killed myself yet either, though some days i don’t always feel blessed as I should I do need the reminders that there are blessings in my life just not the ones I wanted…

      • Joy
        April 16, 2014 at 3:57 AM

        Hi dea: nowhere in the bible does it say “god won’t give you what you cannot handle”. Dying is a pretty good indication that we have experienced something we cannot bear. There is a verse 1 Cor 10:13 which states that we will not be tempted beyond what we can bear; there will always be an escape”. God has not given us these terrible circumstances; it is the result of the sin of the alienating parent. But we do have choices in how we respond & there are many wise words in this blog and responses that help. But no, we have not been given these circumstances because we are strong or because we need some sort of twisted lesson. Society likes to think that so that they do not have to make a choice to recognise unacceptable behaviour & perhaps do something about it !!!! We can look to god for ways to help us respond and care for ourselves. Hugs to you.

    • Trish
      November 28, 2013 at 10:50 PM

      This is correct. I pray for both of my children so that they will one day hear the voice of Jesus and find healing from their anger since it is a true removal of a blessing.

  16. luci
    January 18, 2012 at 10:29 PM

    There is no need to grieve any child that isn’t dead! Just because parents are alienated temporarily does not mean they are never going to see their children again…. there is a very big difference! I disagree that alienated parents or other family members need to grieve…. they simply cannot get contact for the time being…. these children are not children forever and in today’s world there are far more opportunities for them to find out the truth for themselves as to whether they are actually loved and cared for by a parent who has been unable to reach them because there is injustice in the family law system today. Presumption of right of contact for both parents is fair and justice…. why discriminate… times are changing! Forget grieving…. these alienated family members are raising awareness and campaigning for change and we will never give up!

    • September 24, 2013 at 3:56 PM

      This comment angers me. To be taken out of your child’s life unjustly is to grieve. Period. Regardless of raising awareness or campaigning for change.

      • September 24, 2013 at 8:22 PM

        Thank you for your comment, Denise. Yes; parents do grieve, for many years. Alienation for some is akin to the death of a child.

      • Joy
        April 16, 2014 at 4:00 AM

        Thank you very much for your reply Denise. As an alienated parent, of course we are grieving.

    • Missy
      June 25, 2014 at 7:02 AM

      Really? Talk here again on this forum in 10 years when you realize this process turned your child into a psychopath. Do you know what the recovery rate is from psychopathology? Almost 0.

    • B.C.
      May 13, 2015 at 2:23 PM

      Wow, Luci, you are way off the mark. Have you a child who eventually turns to an adult – cut you off from your life or your grandchildren? I know parents of years gone by not seeing their children. Parental alienation when young almost every times turns into missed events, opportunities, loving bonds to tie a young adult to parents. Yes, one GRIEVES a living child who has cut them off – via another parent. It usually turns into adult children still cutting off the parent.
      My sister is cut off from her only child – my friend cut off from her only child. And these are two exemplary (not perfect) parents. What on earth gives you the right to say it is only “temporary”. It is NOT temporary for many and leads to long term chronic relationship problems. And the GRIEF of not being with ones child – teen or young adult during Christmas, birthdays, special events, like them having their first child? When can one RECAPTURE those events. NEVER. And yes, we all have tried every strategy and book under the sun. Including making sure to apologize, and listen to the concerns of the estranged child (or teen or adult child of ours).

      I am a mom who created a beautiful home environment, good home cooked meals, 3 meals a day, garden, canned, brought the girls to their lessons. Made costumes, sat up holding their heads when they were sick…….and shared many days at the beach, walks, stories, events, celebrations ……made sure they had regular health, dental, eye check ups. Made sure they had many opportunities to spend time with family on both sides and learn to trust and love others.

      Now, only to have one daughter reject me due to her dad alienating me when I was ill. Then we separated and it only got worse. I redeemed myself with my younger daughter, but that took work to help her understand that being overindulged by her Dad was not the answer to a self sufficient independent rewarding adult life. I am fortunate I have two children. They are distinct and I try very, very hard to make sure the 25 year old knows she is not responsible for my happiness or has to be a go between. She was only 13 when I got sick.

      Now we have grandchildren and she allows her Dad (whom I still live with) to do whatever he wants with the children and has severe restrictions on me.

      Don’t speak of what YOU know not. I have family who lived with us and a sea of my husbands family who visited us for 2 week stays – and 6 of them at different times for over 20 years (we live in resort seaside area) – they are witnesses to my good mothering of both our girls. And they are incredulous that this is happening.

      10 years of this and trying, but their DAD does interfere and make it hard for me to have a relationship with a daughter who was out of control for years (and Dad giving her money and help) when she needed to be stopped on her “runaways” and be allowed to face her own consequences of being an adult.

      Of course she smoozies up to Dad, and does not like mom who will say enough and take care of your own responsibilities.

      Nothing wrong with age appropriate helping our adult children out when they first get out in the big world, but it is detrimental to SAVING them all the time and bailing them out, rather than let them make mistakes and clean up their own messes.

      God help us all. And to top it off we have a societal education system that says parents don’t get a say either, that young teens get to make their own way – ie health nurse can give them the pill without parental consent, or say the child gets to make life choices when still under 18 and parents are footing the bill. etc. Long story, but don’ tell us to NOT grieve. 10 years of glimmers and hopes – small moments when I can have a time with my grown daughter and redeem some of our relationship – only for each time live events and her irresponsible actions are always mired in homecoming days. Then I have to watch her get deeper into troubles due to daddy’s over indulgence. And she will not speak to me, nor receive my gifts nor allow her children to receive my gifts or love and the list goes on. Painful does not begin to describe. And everyone else was allowed to hold my grandchildren but me. What kind of person would do that?

      Don’t tell us to NOT grieve all those lost days, years and love in our hearts and bodies and to see the damage that ensues when a child is on a runaway and takes path of least resistance. … …….we have every right and it happens involuntarily in dreams that turn to nightmares and it happens in many ways and forms, one more year, more losses, then hope, a glimmer and let down and more loss. That yoyo of emotions is what makes us NORMAL and HUMAN. Stifling it is the hardest thing to do and gradually somehow through all the emotions, asking forgiveness (for obviously perceived hurts even some embellished or mixed up with what Parents have to do to guide a child, teen, young adult…..

      Yes, my daughter (or other estranged children – now adults) are alive, but it is excruciating to not be in their lives.

      In addition, I have two sister in laws who did lose sons tragically drowning and a shooting – one at age 16 and one at age 20. My S.I.L’s went through all the grief and pain and now have some semblance of life. One was 32 years ago and the other 22 years ago. one has a child who alienated himself from her and she says it is JUST as painful – as th death of her son – this thing called estrangement. Because the death – eventually the pain is dulled after 20 years. But the one who is alive is a constant yoyo in and out of grief, hope, anger, short moments of joy, and then back to estrangement and the cycle starts all over again.

      Don’t tell HUMANS to not GRIEVE over the loss of their childs growing years or later years, it is all a WHOLE Picture of loss and consequences of those lost times are irrevocable…

      May God help us all and find compassion for people going through this….it really never ends, no matter our working through things ….until the day we die. And yes, it can be over in a flash – that is the difference between a living child or a child lost to death. It can be healed and a relationship managed and it would be wonderful, ……but……. What if it never happens. It becomes “like” a death of that child. Never comparable to a real death, but something akin to it.

      • Renee
        May 14, 2015 at 2:54 AM

        Marty you mentioned walking on eggshells. There is a book by that exact name and it is a great read. Many years ago we went to a counselor as we were at our wits end with my husband’s ex. Within 10 minutes this guy said the ex was borderline personality. That’s basically all psychosis rolled into one. We could have written the book ourselves. I often thought my husband was exaggerating the emotional abuse he said she inflicted until I experienced it firsthand. The sad part is that she’s still at it, but her child is now the victim of the abuse. We are fortunate that my step daughter reconnected with us and has a great boyfriend that is helping her to see her mother for what she is. Alienation comes in many forms and affects each one of us differently, yet the same. In wish we could find a cure for it.

      • Dea
        May 14, 2015 at 8:02 PM

        Does anyone else agree that DIVORCE is the #1 reason we have an over indulged child problem?…the bribery =love thing, I feel its lead the gateway for alienation… offer comments if anyone else noticed: eg; for us, it was a 7 yr old with a cell phone(highly inappropriate): he described to the judge as “for her safety” because he claimed he was never able to get ahold of me, after winning that case along with several other points in it, he randomly showed up at the same places I was and I was ran down hospitalized after dropping the kids off for school (court considered circumstantial)…

    • B.C.
      May 13, 2015 at 2:41 PM

      And it does make me wonder if you even have children to tell us to not grieve over the loss of our childrens, teens or young adults years.

      As for my living with the father of my 25 and 28 year old daughters. That is what gave me some rope and hope I might regain a relationship with my elder daughter. But that has not been the case and now I am contemplating leaving, as it is excruciating to make a beautiful home and family meal only to have a grown woman turn her back to me, not talk to me and stand between my grandchildren and myself, – physically. I never harmed my children, nor would harm my grandchildren. Absolutely terrible. Her Dad says oh, don’t be like that to her and then subliminally will promote her continued belligerence and rudeness to me.

      Nope, we try everything and that hope prevails, but it feels like a TRUCK ran over me every time she rejects me. She is now living in our apartment next door and utilizing my hard work and efforts to keep home and property in good order and still treats me like crap.

      I ask, I listen, I give her space and time and it only gets worse, not better.

      These young adults do it because it is in a way a trend to bash parents, one or the other and find someone to blame. Of course she is angry at herself for her own mistakes and now a single mother of two children – all of which could have perhaps been prevented had her father not kept bailing her out and paying her bills…..long story.

      Love my grandchildren to bits, but she won’t let me hold them or even talk to them…….sad, sad, grief making.

      I am contemplating leaving and filing for grandparents rights.

      I came from a home whereby we had troubles of blended family and attended 10 different schools and had to be hyper responsible with a sick mother. Well one goes through the challenges of not getting along with parents (late teens) and then they are ADULTS and hav to get on with making their own way and life and quit BLAMING parents. Our daughters had a healthy home with consistency, and I had good relationships with both of them until I separated temporarily 3 years only frrom their Dad. We have been together almost 40 years, so the other parent can make a huge difference wearing their heart on their sleeve and giving everything to children.

      Sad, …..sorry, I am rambling. 10 years of this and now grandchildren are involved……it is NOT a “temporary” thing for many people… Consequences …….

  17. January 18, 2012 at 11:22 PM

    Luci: thank you for your comment. It is certainly true: helping professionals and parents are raising awareness. Thanks to the work of thousands of parents and the Parental Alienation Awareness Organization, along with the work of Dr. Richard Warshak, Dr. Amy Baker, Dr. Kathleen Reay– just to name a few. As you said, many who are temporarily alienated certainly would not give up. The article was prepared for those in which efforts span 15 to 30 years (or more), but still have not re-connected with their (adult) children. Even then, most parents would keep the door open. Nevertheless, along the way, many endure grief, frustration, and anger. Letting go temporarily, that is, to take a break for self-care is vital. Giving up entirely is not an option or consideration in the hearts and minds of most parents.

  18. Renee
    January 19, 2012 at 5:14 PM

    Re: Janet’s comment—It is unfortunate that even Christian parents alienate. They seem to change any rule be it the courts, society & even the Churches. It is very selfish and appears to hurt everyone, including themselves. My step daughter was baptized Catholic by her mother & dad (both raised Catholic). Dad & I raised her in the Catholic religion for 13 years. Her mother has told her numerous times that she herself doesn’t believe in the church & only baptized her because her dad told her she had to. My SD & her mother went to Christian churches sporadically over the years. To me this was the epitome of being hypocritical.
    Re: Luci’s comment–I don’t feel as though my husband & I are grieving like our child is dead so to speak. It is more the loss of the close & loving relationship we once had & would have liked to continue.

  19. Kimberly
    March 21, 2012 at 1:58 PM

    Would it be wrong to give adult children literature, books etc on parent alienation? My husband has been a victim of this for years. His children with his first wife have been poisioned for 14 years.
    I want so badly to email them information on this syndrome, if nothing else but to plant a seed. Their mother has emotionally abused these kids for years and have been brainwashed into hating their father for no reason. He is a wonderful man.

  20. Renee
    March 26, 2012 at 1:42 PM

    My step-daughter has just been put on Zoloft (she is 17). Since she has moved in with her mother, she has missed over 100 days of school in the last year & 3 months. She has been in counseling for over 7 months but still does not contact her dad. As a matter of fact she is now referring to her ex-uncle as “dad” and he is calling her “daughter”. Husband & I met with her counselor. She is concerned about what the mother is telling the daughter, the daughter’s lack of emotion, concerns of abandonment, stress & a list of other things. The counselor does feel like daughter is getting the bulk of her feelings towards my husband & I from her mother. She also suggested that daughter has absolved her mother of any wrong doing and is projecting it on us. She said in her experience the child can go either way, i.e. recognize the dynamics of what is going on & correct it or refuse to see any problems created by the same issues. I mentioned Hostile Aggressive Parenting & the counselor stated that is what she sees as happening. When I mentioned PA & PAS, the counselor said she was familiar with the terms but not enough to render an opinion. When asked what we should do, she said keep doing what we have been doing. Invites for dinner, phone calls, etc. However, my husband is at the point of giving up. He is not being told about school functions, pictures for school, parent teacher conferences. He isn’t even being told about counseling or doctor appointments. Sorry to go on from one subject to the other.
    I guess what I really want to know, is now that we have met the counselor do we push to meet with daughter for some intervention? Do we push the counselor to read up on PA to help us? We just don’t know where to go from here.

  21. March 28, 2012 at 4:28 AM

    Hi Renee: Many rejected parents do feel like giving up. Parenting is a tough job and even more difficult when the favored (also known as alienating parent) makes the job harder. Support and self-care are a dire necessity. If you have not, Dr. Richard Warshak’s video, called Pluto is a great tool, not only for your family, but for therapists. It covers the emotions that rejected parents endure and points out that some rejected parents may over react and others may under react. Regarding therapy: in some cases parents have offered their therapist educational materials regarding PA. It is a personal decision to discuss with your therapist. The link provides studies that some have used. They are free. The articles are not “opinion” pieces, but have been included in journals.http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/info_pas.htm Best of luck to you.

    • Renee
      April 23, 2012 at 7:24 PM

      I received my copy of “Pluto”. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you. I made my husband sit down & watch it with me. I am the one who has been doing research on PA, PAS & HAP. I have taken out books from the library, read on-line resource information and have tried to pass on this knowledge to him. Watching this video was the most IMPORTANT learning tool that I could ask for. He actually said that it could have been written about his situation with his daughter. After one year of counseling, step-daughter is still not making a move to include Dad in any aspect of her life except taking her to doctor’s appointments. She is still treating everyone in her mother’s family like God’s and distaning his family. We are going to give the video to her counselor, who has strong beliefs that the mother is creating a wealth of issues in step-daughter. Maybe she can share it during sessions.

      I highly recommend anyone who is suffering with PA to order this video. You will watch it many times. It may not solve the problem, but you will certainly gain a new perspective.

      Thank you again!

  22. Trish
    June 22, 2012 at 1:24 PM

    Hi all, so many thoughts and wonderful comments. I am in NC an an alienated parent, haven’t given up but always feel like I am in a fog and constant state of grief. If anyone is willing to form a group in North Carolina with me to help create awareness (Raleigh/Greensboro/Durham area) please contact me at 336-693-6278. Trish

    • Kendra
      August 9, 2013 at 11:23 PM

      I was wondering if a support group was ever formed ?I was looking for one for my mom ,she lives in Raleigh.

  23. becky
    September 18, 2012 at 1:16 PM

    After so much hurt and pain, this morning I finally told my daughter that maybe she should go live with her father and SM. She has been threatenting to do this for some time and I am soooooo worn out. It’s very difficult to be a single mother, sole provider and primary care provider without any support and to further an ex-husband and his wife who do everything within their power to manipulate my daughter against me all the while making her think that I am the one who manipulates. Most of these posts talk about never giving up, but I ask at what cost? When my 14 year old daughter is suffering chest pains and taken to the ER because of anxiety all the while blaming me when I, albeit not perfect, have tried my absolute hardest to co-operative parent and support her relationship with her father…..what more can I do? My attorney doesn’t believe that I can make any changes legally; meeting with PAS therapist haven’t gotten me anywhere….I just don’t even know how to proceed. I applaud all of you that have been able to “never give up” and keep everyone who is victim to PAS in my prayers. Thank you for letting me vent.

  24. August 7, 2013 at 12:45 AM

    I am a Christian with two alienated kids. They are both around 30. They blame me for everything; sure I made mistakes. I did wrong. But who doesn’t? I have prayed for them, expected God to turn their hearts to me, but nothing happens. It just gets worse. My family has slowly taken the side of my ex, because, well, I think they like to see me fail. They always have. So, as a Christian, this is what God has done for me these past twenty years as I endured parental alienation: first, He allowed me to feel and grieve. For years. Then he allowed me to try everything to believe they would come back. Then he showed me they would not, and told me to accept truth. Now, he tells me to guard my heart and live my life, to not enter the role of horrible mom that they want me to fulfill in order to be kind of accepted with a phone call now and then, or an email. God Almighty told me to love myself and move on. I do, and am much happier. I don’t need a family that hurts me continually. That is not a family. My kids have chosen life without me. So be it. I praise Jesus and live on. The hardest part for me is the society thing. I am a teacher and it’s tough to explain why my two grown kids hate my guts. Jesus, help me!

    • Trish
      August 12, 2013 at 3:03 PM

      Hi Toni. I have been through the same. Remember that alienation is a disease and those that are emotionally abused and literally taken from their parents live a different reality. My sister blamed me for not being able to see her niece anymore. My daughter and my sister blamed me for remarrying someone else. Prayer has been my only hope. As for society I tell those that only get to know me first about my situation. The rest of the judgemental world I tell them I have no children. It has been easier that way. Remember that those that love God will face the devil many times over and keep praying and ask Him for help. Satan will win if we let him. Think of the advantage you have as a teacher to help children in other ways as teachers do in so many different areas. Are there others who need you more than your children? I have had to ask myself that question and it has led me down different paths. My prayers are with you.

    • dea
      August 24, 2013 at 7:44 PM

      oOh lord, be with you…I’m facing letting mine go and ive been told i’m selfish etc.. ut i’ve lost my medical career and everything to all the allegations and suffered so much that I’ve almos killed myself…Ive never done drugs or alcohol or anything but did face a famil member who recently turned out to side w the ex because she said i wouldnt have 2 exs saying the same thing if it weren’t true…well have we never heard of ganging up? i make an ez target…i couldn’t believe she believe their story that i gave myself all of my injuries(i was abused, so were my kids, the ex managed to flip it) 2nd joined ex after i threw him out, but the court did discount his case later. Family is supposed to support each other. apparently thats just on T.V.

  25. Amanda Iler
    September 22, 2013 at 4:09 PM

    Some days are easier than others. Omg unless you have experienced this first hand, it’s unimaginable to comprehend the dynamics, at hand.
    Every other day is a struggle internally. 1 day I wake w/ the keep fighting attitude and then reality sets in, I’m out numbered, the other side (alienating family) has 20 influences compared to myself who is comprised of myself and my sons 2 siblings, that reside w/me.
    I haven’t had contact w/ my first born-oldest child in over 2 years, since he went to live w his father, actually. I backed off to hopefully stop the hate campaign or least lessen it. I feel like any mention of myself poses threat of further damage and the less I am mentioned perhaps they don’t feel as threatened and will quit the campaign. These people are sick. Frequently, approx every 2-3 months I do send a text to my son just reassuring him that we miss him dearly and love him unconditionally, despite anything that had happened or anything that may happen (clueless as to what he’s been fed but also not blaming anyone in texts, despite my understanding of being the targeted parent) he never replies, which is extremely hurtful because it takes so much courage to will myself to send yet another plea that’s falling on deaf ears. It’s discouraging. I have dreams of him playing w/ his younger brother and sister, only to wake up and wish I hadn’t woke up because the pain is unbearable, at times.

    I feel as though it may beyond repair but i will continue to send a text ever so often to acknowledge that regardless of anything, I love him and miss him. I can only fantasize that one day even if a decade from now that he will realize that he’s been robbed just as much as myself and his 2 siblings.
    After periods of the internal wrestle of ‘keep fighting’ then idk if out of a defense mechanism I flip over to ‘let go’ to release all the grief consuming me, my mind, heart and soul and damn near come to accept this hellish nightmare and attempt at picking up my shattered remnants and try to live a normal life, to the best of my ability, given my circumstances, and tell myself I’m robbing myself of happiness that I deserve by letting it eat me to the core… But even when I convince myself to accept this as it is and try to move on their are days I wake up and the cycle of internal of this starts all over.

  26. Robert
    September 24, 2013 at 3:08 PM

    I had to give up in this life, ten years of court violations on her part ended with my being given a full 50/50 time with my Daughter. She committed suicide due to the constant harassment of her mother.

    • September 24, 2013 at 8:20 PM

      Robert, very sorry to hear about your loss. Unfortunately, I read of such tragedies too often. One mother, Pamela Richardson, shared her story, titled a Kidnapped Mind.

      • jallisonphd
        March 5, 2015 at 11:44 PM

        Dear Parental Alienation Support, thank you SO much for sharing that term “Kidnapped Mind.” I am new to finding words and this site to affirm that this phenomena really exists: parents separated from their children is an agonizing experience and is REAL– My daughter (12 1/2 yrs old) finally explained to me why she chose to live with her father who’s transient (moves a lot). He’s living close by at the moment: “Mommy, I don’t want to be ‘that girl’ who’s story is about never having lived with her daddy. I know he’s not stable. But he’s here now. I have a chance to BE physically near him before he leaves again. I want the chance to change my fatherless-story while I can, even if it’s just for a year.” That really helped me understand her. But it didn’t help my grief. . . . I thought I’d share that insight from the child herself. Maybe this will help others’ struggles. . .

    • jallisonphd
      March 5, 2015 at 11:39 PM

      Robert, my <3 goes out to you about your daughter. And thank you for your service, truly! Suicide is familiar in my family. Anyway, I saw your next posting and I am happy for you that one of your (step?) children is talking with you. About letting things take their course. . I am going through that too. . .I had to. There is nothing like parental alienation. I am grateful for this site! No one else understands it exists and its impact and consequences for all involved. My best to you.

  27. Ronald
    September 26, 2013 at 1:35 PM

    I am at the point where I have given up, and see no end to all of this. I have step children and one out of the four of my is still talking to me. Now one other is talking to me, and it seems like giving up and letting things take their course may be the answer. I really don’t know. I came home from the military a real mess because of what I was involved in. A combat veteran with a real case of PTSD. My former spouse used it against me, and the courts went along with it.

    • Trish
      September 26, 2013 at 7:54 PM

      first thanks for your service to this country, I appreciate it. Second, sometimes I think you really need to let go – I did and had no choice at all due to finances as Jerry stated above. If you don’t have the money to fight it, the courts disregard what they are hearing. I found that in order to live again I had to let go. I never gave up trying to contact my kids and it was easier to do as they got older, one will speak with me and the other will not. So I proceed cautiously and don’t try and “push any ropes”….I have found that doesn’t work…

  28. September 26, 2013 at 2:40 PM

    great article and information…..

  29. Jerry
    September 26, 2013 at 4:12 PM

    I had to let go; I saw no other option. It didn’t matter what I said or did, I always ended up as the bad guy, the liar, the instigator – regardless of how much proof to the contrary I had or how ridicules the accusations were. Without the finances to afford heavy hitting lawyers there wasn’t much I could do even after I finally learned what Parental Alienation was. Now both my kids are adults and both refuse to speak to me.

    Sometimes we give up because there is no choice. You must accept life as it is; pick up the broken pieces of your heart and life and try to move forward. My heart will forever be broken but I am learning to live again. Letting go was the best thing I could have done.

    • Ronald
      September 26, 2013 at 8:46 PM

      Jerry I read your comment and since you really can’t tell hardly anyone who will listen that is in the public eye, it is even worse. Might I give you a different way of looking at this. I worked in the government and had a high security clearance. The one thing they always taught us is how to recognize the efforts that are made to destroy a country. I have been chewed on a bit for saying this but I firmly believe there is an organized effort here to destroy the family unit in this country. It was taught to me long ago, and I think we have overlooked it. Of course this is conjecture on my part, but I know what I was taught and what to watch for.

  30. Carrie
    September 26, 2013 at 8:31 PM

    I too went through the years of grief and mental and emotional torture and eventually I did let go – my final option for my own survival. A miracle has literally taken place and my four children now grown have returned to me…….they are damaged but they finally made their own way too me. Let go but never give up hope….

    • September 26, 2013 at 10:14 PM

      I have learned, in my case, that sometimes its the children themselves who stop PAS from continuing, My wife absconded with my son in late March. In late June her lawyer contacted my lawyer, she hired a law firm notorious for being “sharks” and 6 days before a FCS meeting, i get a restraining order against me, claiming rape and other falsehoods. Eventually FCS interviewed my son and he told them he misses me and wants to see me. at first i had to do the supervised visit thing for 3 weeks, this is what her side offered, than they offered unsupervised visits on Saturdays for almost 8 hours. Now I have a court order with joint custody and 1/3 of the time with me, this is after the restraining order was defeated. During this whole progress my son has been saying he wishes to spend more time with me. Someone is listening to him, maybe things are getting better, or God heard my prayers. I am in southern California.

  31. Ronald
    October 2, 2013 at 1:45 PM

    Indeed to resolve this in my mind would take subjecting myself to the absolute corner of my mind where the death of a family member resides. That is where I have refused to go for over fifteen years, now it appears that is the only choice.

  32. Vickie
    October 17, 2013 at 10:52 PM

    For 6.5 years, like most of the other replies, I have grieved for my two children and never been able to talk to anyone..because really how do you explain this to someone that has never gone through it. Normal responses have always been….”why didn’t you call the police?” The system is so deeply flawed in Canada and anything that requires a lawyer is a ticket for them to empty out your bank account and do nothing. My ex perjured himself in court on at least a half dozen times and every time we tried to get someone to listen to us, his lawyer always over powered us. Thus, she/he who has the most money and more powerful lawyer…wins. Unfortunately the children lose. My children are now 18 & 20 and one of them has recently contacted a family member. It has broken my heart to learn that she is now under psychiatric care after an unsuccessful suicide attempt. It is also appalling to me that my entire family (which is small) has tried to hide all of this from me, including the “reunion”. They are terrified of my “ex” but is that enough of a reason to act like children themselves? On most days, I can function and had done like some of the other parents and just reconciled that this was the way it’d be, even went to the extremes of telling people I didn’t have children, because it made the pain less painful, then trying to explain alienation. But now the immense pain, anger, and now betrayal are back with a vengeance. I guess the moral of this story is that I let go of them once, now I’m letting go of the whole lot of them….will the pain ever diminish this time?

  33. bettysblue
    October 25, 2013 at 6:39 AM

    Why isn’t parental alienation more frequently recognized (and consequently appropriately penalized) by family court? Too often, the alienated parent is heart broken, financially-wrecked, and is left with barely any legal custody of the children. More than being angry with the alienating parent, I’m more concerned about family court judges’ unwillingness to recognize a crime with negative, irreversible consequences that have long been documented and extensively researched in psychological science.

    • November 1, 2013 at 5:15 AM

      More and more courts are recognizing parental alienation. It could be that judges’ are not unwilling to recognize, but on the contrary, it is a reality they operate in a bogged-down system. Hopefully, families can find other options vs. court, which is adversarial, to resolve conflict. One example, to aid in decreasing conflict, when alienation is unintentional, is a co-parenting class. In situations in which the alienation is intentional, it may be in order for a temporary change in parenting time. I agree; the consequences have been long documented in the social sciences; parental alienation is considered by many as a form of emotional abuse.

  34. Jeff
    November 22, 2013 at 2:10 PM

    I can’t believe how many people go through this! It’s a travesty! I felt all alone and try to come up with words to describe how I feel. Everybody here is facing the same issues. I really appreciate to hear your stories, we all seem to live the same life. There needs to be a way to get this heard in court! I’m sick of being overlooked and cast away! Safety in numbers people! We need a voice. I love my child and have not been able to see him in a year and a half. Enough is enough! I’m done spending all my money in court without results. I just want to have my relationship with my son before it’s too late.

  35. November 28, 2013 at 9:00 AM

    What happens when you have lived this so long, that “court” or “safety” are meaningless? It’s too late, their childhood is gone…something that can never be replaced or returned has been taken from your life…your babies, your children, your family. How can one attempt to disclose this pain? The holidays, the birthdays, the summers, the winters, all of life. It doesn’t get better, it doesn’t change and they don’t ever cry, or come back or care. Rather they use you and despise you and do everything they can to break you.

    I still recall the night I found out about PAS and the relief was overwhelming…no one loved (loves) their children and grandchildren more than I. I know who I am and I know I was a very good parent…but they hate me and have since my divorce. Same story as all of you, thank you for coming forward. At least I can now accept…

  36. allison
    December 4, 2013 at 11:28 AM

    I think more so than the article itself, it comforts me to read the comments. Its as though some of you have lived mine and my fiancés life when it comes to his 2 teenage children. And, took the words out of our mouths with “if I stop trying, I’ll be uncaring…” and we would welcome them with open arms but we cant live our lives constantly battling …We are in the process of court proceedings and it is emotionally exhausting the things the mother does and says and even worse what his children say to him after how much he has tried to be there for them. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even let him read some emails he gets from his children (or his ex acting as them) claiming they don’t want to see him for visits because I know how much he gets hurt inside by the words. He acts like he doesn’t care, that maybe he doesn’t need to see them anymore but then I watch him cry for hours because he misses them. Im younger than him and children of our own are in our future and it hurts me to know that we may end up having to “let go” and future children may never know their siblings and we may not get to stay in touch with the children just 6 years ago, we were all once so close with.

  37. December 10, 2013 at 3:14 AM

    We are all suffering.
    I know of 1 suicide, Akio and also Yoshida was in prison for trying to see his daughter. Alex couldn’t get access to his children, lost his job and had to move out of Japan. These 3 members can be seen on Clive France photo project blog along with my profile.

    This is tormenting to the parents and the long term mental effects on the children. While the mothers know what they can do within their Japanese legal system is absolutely appalling.

    Tim Johnston Japan
    Kai Endo Japan

  38. KathyC
    December 16, 2013 at 12:26 AM

    I have decided to let go – it has only been only been 2 devastating, rejecting years by both my children and the court system but I feel like I have exhausted every avenue. My daughters are only aged 7 and 10 but mimic their alienating father’s attitude. I know I am a good mother, I will always love them unconditionally with all my heart. I am angered that the judicial system can turn their backs on these children but have accepted the reality. It sickens and worries me how my daughters are going to turn out from living in a PAS environment. I’m still grieving the loss of parenthood to my daughters – I had such a great relationship with them, so many wonderful memories….now I have nothing. I desperately want to have a relationship with them but the ex will do everything in his power to prevent this from happening and the courts won’t do anything to stop his behavior. I hate the idea of giving up but honestly it is the only way I feel I can move on. Every act of love I direct towards them is rejected, the rejection hurts…knowing that they are deeply psychologically damaged and their condition only worsens as time passes on is unbearable. The children have been so emotionally and mentally brainwashed at this point, I feel as though I cannot reach them. People who have not dealt with PAS firsthand do not understand, it is frustrating and I’ve given up even mentioning my previous children because of it.

    I have an amazing supportive husband and new baby – letting go appears to be the best way to shield any future pain from my healthy growing family. Before my ex took my children, my husband was the only dad that they had ever known. I know that my husband feels the loss also. I take comfort that we did have many wonderful memories with the children and hope one day they will recognize this.

    People can judge me for letting go, at this point though, I am beyond caring what others think. Unless you have walked in my shoes, you have no right to judge. I think when you have done everything that you can possibly do….failure after failure, realize the injustice of the court system, and lose virtually all contact with your child(ren) you have to find a way to cope. The way to cope for me is letting go. My ex wants to control my life, he wants to ruin me emotionally as a person…I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE HIM THAT SATISFACTION. I am letting go, I will always love my children, I will try to make known to them from time to time that the door to a relationship with me is still open, although I am mentally prepared for this plea to fall on deaf ears as it has in the past, There will come a time that I will stop this too, but right now they are still young and I hold onto the hope that they still might listen, I will not tolerate abuse from them, although I totally anticipate them to adopt their fathers abusive, destructive behavior as this is what they have learned to be acceptable.This behavior is already evident in the few conversations I get to have with them. If they seriously want to have a relationship one day I will point them in the direction of professional help.

    My heart goes out to all other parents affected by PAS, it’s an undeserved emotional roller-coaster of heartache. I pray that despite the long and painful journey, we can all find peace at some level.

    • Trish
      December 16, 2013 at 2:28 PM

      Don’t worry my dear. No one has the right to judge you and for your own sanity I know what it’s like to have to walk away as a mother. Keep telling your daughters you love them and turn a thick skin on if they abuse you in return. Remember they are being programmed. I think it would have made a difference in my case had I at least done that. Best wishes.

    • Lisa
      June 16, 2014 at 8:49 PM

      Oh Kathy, I so relate to your story.
      I have finally given up/let go of the fight in order to save my life and start a new one. I even have changed my phone number. Because I cannot manage the repeated heartbreak. I experienced a heart attack last week because of this.
      Much information out there about PAS is in the interest of fathers. As I reflect, I see that the abuse and manipulation started very early on in my relationship with my abusive ex- husband and in my children’s lives. I can even now recognize the signs in our first date 21 years ago!! And even at the birth of my first child, Nicole, where as soon as I gave birth he took her from the delivering doctor and would not let me hold her.
      I love my kids so so much, yet feel anger that they cannot stand up for what is right (they are 14 and 19). They have told me that my home is a sanctuary, and we had a loving relationship, yet when interviewed by therapists, teachers, coaches, attorneys, and law enforcement, they will lie to protect their Dad and his new wife who acts as if she is a family savior yet has relentlessly tried to remove me from their lives.
      I appreciate and feel so much hope that there are other parents experiencing the same heartbreak and confusion regarding compassion and love for their kids versus anger at how this revenge happens. It is the ultimate form of bullying and child abuse.

  39. Ronald
    December 16, 2013 at 2:00 PM

    This is indeed a very tough time of the year for those of us who are targeted parents. May I offer this to all of you. Please don’t stop fighting because I am on about my eighteenth Christmas season (it doesn’t get any easier) and I have a somewhat different view of alienation. I see it as the destruction of a country, and was told this many times by the US Navy back in the years when they seemed to care. They told me to be on guard and watch for anything like this happening, and of course it is going on as we speak. This country is going into the abyss, with the results being devastating to all of us. Ignoring our pleas for help, is just another symptom of the destruction. Never stop telling your story. I am a combat veteran who chose to tell the truth about what I saw in service to my country. Little did I know what would be done to me for telling the truth. Never stop, NEVER!!!!!

  40. February 26, 2014 at 10:01 AM

    MAMA is a page that is for alienated moms to draw support from and meet other mothers who are alienated parents. Please come and help us spread the word against Maternal Alienation. Devoted husbands and fathers who support our cause are welcome as well.

  41. Cindy
    March 23, 2014 at 3:50 PM

    My adult children – have had a re-written history and been provided with money by their dad who deliberately and with intent destroyed my children’s relationship with me. They refuse to speak with my friends who were around when they were growing up (he never did anything for them as children) when I basically raised them. They were young adults by the time I divorced (it took six years because of his obstacles as a solicitor were successful). When they replicated his actions and abuse with threats I put a halt to it. It no longer worked because I put in boundaries they did not like. As a result, they have cut me out of their lives. An alienated parent suffers tremendous despair and the questions of “what did I do to deserve this” has never been answered. I know enough about the results of PAS on adult children and for their sake I hope that they never have any children. I foresee only sadness in their lives and the intergenerational abuse will be perpetuated thanks to a man who had his own agenda, was a sociopath and never really loved his children. My adult children may never have closure.

    • Lorretta
      April 17, 2015 at 8:37 PM

      Going through very similar situation and now my grand kids are part of the scenario.
      I did raise my children alone and did everything I could to be a good mother but when they became adults my ex husband re emerged and started the nightmare all over again.
      Wasn’t there for any of them through their teenage years yet pulls them in and tells them how things would have been so much better had they stayed with him when he refused to take his every other weekend by the courts and just left them all together.
      I was looking forward to seeing my kids blossom and enjoying my grandchildren BUT he had other plans and continues to poison their minds .
      What kind of human being does this with only themselves in mind.
      Unfortunately they use the children to attack the other person instead of just being a parent.
      This pain gives them pleasure and it’s hurting the children and families even more as if being no where to be found while they were growing up wasn’t hurtful enough.
      The parent that puts the blood sweat and tears into these children are then left with nothing but pain in their hearts.
      Maybe we should pass a law to stop this horrible torture.

  42. EmpatheticWife
    May 11, 2014 at 5:11 PM

    This article and these comments are offering me so much solace. My husband’s daughter is now in her early mid twenties with three children that he has never seen. He is disabled with crippling arthritis and because of this our finances have been really bad for the last 9 years. Every once in a while we go through a spurt of receiving some good money because of earlier projects that my husband did before his arthritis took over and then his daughter is all of a sudden so sweet and wanting to talk to him all the time and says how much she loves him (though she would never say it publicly, no her social media is only reserved for talking about how much she loves her mother who was a junkie and left my husband as a single father when the daughter was very young). As soon as we don’t have enough money to give any to her anymore she is then gone, poof and then really moody with him.

    She talks all the time about what a “horrible” father he was even though he raised her and her sister by himself because the mother was constantly moving around and in rehab. Her grievances about him are so ridiculous. They are the most spoiled and entitled things I have ever heard. She says he was a bad father because he moved them around all the time (the moved about 6 times, total ) and in the first 3 years of her first child’s life she moved over 10 times! I guess that grievance doesn’t apply to her.

    Her mother ODed in front of her one time and she blames my husband! She doesn’t seem to have any anger at all towards her mother for ODing, but somehow it was my husband’s fault. He can do no right unless he has money. Then, all of a sudden she remembers the good times and she loves him (privately, of course). As soon as the money is all dried up, she’s gone and back to not liking him again. We have tried to get her to come visit us with her children because my husband can’t travel very well and she always agrees and then just never does it. We even sent money to her twice with the sole purpose of it being used to come visit us but then she doesn’t contact us for months and then it is never brought up again.

    My husband is so tired of it all and he has emotionally tuned out. It is difficult for me to accept and I keep wanting him to try because that is his daughter but it is so hurtful how one sided and full of rejection she is. I have to figure out a way to let this go the way my husband has. It just hurts to see so much undeserved blame being pushed onto my husband and yet the mother’s sins are too long to list and she somehow gets all of the unconditional love. Every present the mother gives her, she announced on FB how wonderful her mother is but if my husband gives her $1000 to help her from being evicted or sends a bunch of toys to the grandchildren, she doesn’t say a word to anybody. It’s like it didn’t happen. She barely thanks him and then continues to ask him for money until we don’t have any extra to give her and then she disappears or becomes hateful.

    When her first child was born, we sent her a bunch of stuff that she said she needed even though we couldn’t really afford it and never once did she publicly thank her father the way she thanked her mother for her baby gifts. I don’t even remember her thanking my husband in private for that. As a matter of fact, we got an email from her half sister (not my husband’s daughter) asking us to go in on a crib with her since we hadn’t sent anything yet. We’re pretty sure that the half sister talks badly about my husband to her as well. It’s ridiculous. There was also a time right before her first child was born when she told everybody in her life that her dad was dead. We know this for a fact but she refuses to admit it even though we have proof. She just denies the proof and then disappears for months if he ever brings it up to her.

    I know I have repeated myself several times here but I am so full of frustration about the whole situation and I am glad to be able to vent it here among people who are unfortunate enough to understand our situation. My husband has been trying to connect with her over the last month and he sent an ecard for his grandson’s birthday but she won’t respond to any of it. We have no idea what it’s about this time. The only thing we can think is that she has been spending a lot of time with her mom during this time and she is even dating a guy who her mom set her up with now, so she might be getting it from him too as he was apparently friends with her mom first.

    There is so much more and I don’t even know if I did it any justice, but I can’t think straight. I am so tired of feeling so frustrated about all of this. How do you let go? I

  43. NY MOM
    May 16, 2014 at 1:08 AM

    The loss following my LT divorce has resulted in severe deep clinical depression – despair beyond anything I have experienced leading to sev suicide attempts. My children are now young adults and went with the money. They don’t care. I was good enough to be their mother so long as I remained married to their father. Post divorce I was no longer permitted to co parent w my ex as he moved into a relationship with a woman who was never married nor was engaged and no kids – well into her 40s. We did ok until he met her and she cut me out and upped the ante on her need to be front and center of his life. This included bribing my children to make up for her lack of her own kids – and him to reconcile the pain of a broken marriage. INSTAFAMILY.

    I have begged pleaded and appealed to him and my kids. The loss made me next to inconsolable. I now endure daily horrors of PTSD no therapist has been able to help me with

    All I want is to forget them now. It hurts too much and seems the only peace I would know is when I pass – I try but the pain infects my core.

  44. patrick
    June 5, 2014 at 6:58 PM

    Never married. Broke up before the 1st was born. Second child occured while visiting my oldest. Im 40 now…My kids are now 9 and 7. Theres been parental alienating going on since birth. It started out as the mother wouldnt let me take the kids home with me. I could only visit with them in her apartment. Then at some point she confined the visiting in just the kids room. I hire a lawyer early 2012 and she was served for custody. Our court date was 3 months away. Once she got served she completely ignored every request for me to see the kids. For those 3 months I had no communication and no idea where they were. Upon our court appearance the mother gave a lame excuse why I had not seen the kids in 3 months. Judge issued immediate temporary visitation. Since family court has been involved theres been countless accusations, allegations, missed visits, interferences upon my visits, etc. Its as if the courts are an ‘enabler’ or further alienation. To make a long story short, I have been at the point when Im ready to walk away (over and over). Im not very emotional, but this ordeal has made me very unemotional. Ive gone through all the emotions mentioned above and Ive become at peace if i make the decision to walk away. Alot will depend on family court, forensic, supervised visit, law gaurdian, etc. now that they’ve recognized the alienation if they do anything about it (immediately). if not, i am inclined to walk away and salvage the rest of my life.

    • dea
      July 19, 2014 at 4:00 PM

      I’m a mom who has lost my emotions over the circumstances…I got tired of the lame excuses of the kids and other parents not being at the pickup time and place, I’m tired of their accusations, and tired of the abuse by them that the courts enable with their lengthy, ineffective processes, that by the time all the other appeals are entertained 2 more years went by and my youngest hadn’t seen his brothers and sisters in most all of his life. I hear nothing but bad things… A total of 5 years has passed plus a few months and days since I last saw them, my youngest in the group of 4 children was 3, the oldest 11…it took every breath and worried me to the point of non functioning. but I still had my youngest son I have to provide a life for, so Easter this year I gave up all hope .and what did that was the facts that I don’t have a phone number, anything I send, never gets there, and a picture on my parents wall that day was a recent photo of them all with my brother and sister in law and I found out my whole family was buying into my ex’s crap and helping him…I was floored, how do you justify that, every part of my being has been shattered, as if Him breaking my neck was somehow justifiable…the same family who helped to rebuild me after that, was the same one ripping my family apart… so yeah, I gave up, because you can’t dis-prove a lie especially when you recruit a person’s family to join in the lie and attacking. its awful, all I have wanted is my time, don’t care to argue or fight, just give my 1/2 time, I wanted my hugs and birthdays, and school activities too, now I don’t have any of that either way..I couldn’t stand it anymore

  45. Trish
    June 27, 2014 at 6:57 PM

    I never gave up hone of seeing my son again and finally had the chance to see him after 8 years. He did understand that what he heard was not true and the lies that he had been told were not true so I am grateful for that. He doesn’t really see me as his mother but someone that is a financial resource at this point and I believe he met with me only to see what could be gotten from me. Of course he has learned disrespect and that I am just someone to be used which would have been all that he has learned from his father. I highly doubt we will ever have a relationship that is more like mother and son but I still hope that someday he will mature (into what type of person is unknown since I did not raise him for the last 8 years). So it’s a slow road and for those of you who are hoping to reconnect, may not be the connection you had hoped for. It’s important for alienated parents to prepare themselves very carefully before they re-connect.

    • dea
      July 19, 2014 at 4:14 PM

      I’d rather not reconnect, I can’t stand shallow people that ask for things…I haven’t hardly spoken to my sister-in-law since my brother married her 15 yrs ago, she’s a hideously selfish creature an he’s become like her, my ex husband and his wife will only let my kids contact them of all the people in the family. dumb considering my brother hates kids/never wanted any and the in law is a greedy self conceited pig who wanted kids but wasn’t allowed to have any so she went after mine. six months ago she stated proudly my kids liked her better than they liked me… Who does that? I don’t need it in my life(drama queens) and neither does my special needs son, we have enough business to take care of without.

  46. Mollly
    August 17, 2014 at 5:36 PM

    I read all these posts, I can’t help but feel angered at ALL the Court Systems no matter what state it is. When you are in the thick of a divorce/custody battle, feeling helpless, vulnerable and emotionally exhausted, it is then, that attorneys work their magic upon you and when your well dries up, it is only then, that suddenly everything is finalized. Let’s not forget that we are their bread and butter that keeps their firm in business. As my attorney stated to me “you gota keep taking him back in front of the Judge so she sees him for who he is” Yeah! as I only see it now, so I keep filling up your pocket!!! The Courts in PA did nothing to him, even when documents were written in stone that he did not abide by. Most importantly, and the reason for this post, NO amount of money can be placed on an alienated child. I would do it all over again, to know I did everything I could as a mother to protect my child. Even though, my story is surely not a happy ending, I have not seen or spoken to my precious son since he was 14, he is now 21 years old. I think about him everyday, I still send text messages on birthdays and holidays and an occasional voicemail, nothing. I still can’t possibly let go of hope, it’s all I have. As for my ex, who is living in our home, remarried AND became a minister, yes a poser to the public, obviously still continues to alienate. To all the parents whether being the Mother or Father, if you were the alienator in your divorce, you have done such a disservice to your own flesh and blood, these children are innocent and became a victim of your sickness. These children have the right to love both parents. Someday you will have to answer to the almighty one. I pray for you.

    • dea
      August 23, 2014 at 4:00 AM

      where do these “people” suddenly wake up and claim they find god?…I’ve my own experience with 2 ex’s that were both athiests, and after separating both suddenly found the lord and all courts whitnesses (of whom i’d never heard nor met) to bash me, mind you my second ex was neither the father of any of my children, just helped the first , by putting things on the internet and helping bolster his case…I’ve been a believer in all my days and I know some has come around, the misery exists in their family pictures posted everywhere, I’ve seen happy and that is not the poster-child (marriage). Two people couldn’t get further apart.

  47. dea
    September 6, 2014 at 1:48 AM

    hmm, thanks molly, it seems as though you have truly been through quite similar and are doing some of the same, you have given me some solace…thank you

    • KathyC
      September 9, 2014 at 1:32 PM

      Dea , I’m experiencing the same situation with my family. I haven’t been able to have contact with my kids in years after endless attempts, yet I find they’ve been talking to family members. Of course, the alienating parent has given strict orders that me (their mother) not be mentioned and even after knowing everything that happened, my family obliged. They report to me that the kids are doing great. It hurts and enrages me at the same time. I can’t stomach contact with these family members anymore and feel the ultimate betrayal. I’ve accepted the situation for what it is and have moved on. I fight to keep these wounds closed. It just shows the lengths my abuser, the alienater is willing to go….it’s sick.

  48. Trev
    October 6, 2014 at 12:54 PM

    I`m going through the same thing. Filed for court but is only making things worse. When do you finally give up? My infant son doesn`t deserve to be the battlefield.

  49. TinyC
    November 1, 2014 at 4:20 PM

    I have become passive. My adult children have become my former narcissistic sociopath husband. Berating, demanding etc. They are caught up in a time warp. I have done everything I could to communicate nicely, remember birthdays, holidays and they use this to throw my communications up to my face and tell me I am dead. PAS lives on. This is another generation of PAS adults. I cringe and hope God will never them any grandchildren because these are inhumanstic people, aged 25 and aged 29 who thing that they are perfect and that I am to blame for what their father meted out. I tried my best to keep our family together with rules, parametres and being good mother and model. But he undid it all by inclusive mobbing,negating me and telling them lies. I wash my hands of them – they are tyrannical – and have had a great life, with a lot given to them. But I will not be abused. That is something they rail to realises. They live in a time warp. This has been hard on me but at least I now have a life of calm, peace and good friends around me. I never saw this coming. The courts need to do more.

    • Trish
      November 9, 2014 at 4:33 PM

      Be good to yourself and you have a right not to be abused and that means letting go of abusive children as well. They will have to deal with themselves and their own offspring one day. You did everything you should have done to break the cycle and try and be their parent under the circumstances that every alienated parent has to deal with. I hope this message brightens your day and know you are not alone in your struggles.

      • KathyC
        November 11, 2014 at 2:32 AM

        Trish, this comment couldn’t have come at a better time in my life. You speak what I know to be true. How do you deal with family members who have basically taken a side against you? Not in words but in actions. Cut them out too? It’s a cycle that must end, I’m so tired of it all.

      • Trish
        November 12, 2014 at 3:46 PM

        It’s a fine line for sure. But when you are being emotionally abused by anyone blood or not at one point you have to take care of yourself. Realize that this behavior has been ingrained into children who are very vulnerable and the person who is alienating them is psychotic so this behaviors are all the children know and they think it’s acceptable. The relationship will be hard to rebuild unless the children learn that they were emotionally abused and work to undo it.

      • Karen
        November 27, 2014 at 1:23 AM

        I am going through the exact same thing – my 13 year old son just told me he doesn<t want to see me anymore- and my ex has been doing his best for me to not be able to see him nor have any contact. I have mixed feelings and honestly there are days that I just feel like moving away so far it is not funny. I am already one hour away and thank God as even if I were closer it would hurt even more. My son is now using social services to manipulate me and to get his own way – imagine how this little guy is going to turn out – not a king child but an emporors child – obviousy social services take soley for the child who is manipulating and these young kids working there do not see clear. I believe there are people out there doing everything to rip families apart.

        As for now, I see a young boy who is going to end up abusing and using me – so I just may have to walk away- man does this ever hurt. Afterall, I had stayed home to raise both my children and I had completely forgotten myself – only to be left with a bit of alimony and no kids – struggling on my own.

      • Trish
        December 1, 2014 at 10:57 AM

        Hi Karen. Social services was called on me many times and after a while it was funny and the investigators would be obliged to check but they never spentorr than a few minutes and left. It didn’t change anything and my ex just kept my son away from me. Right now you need to concentrate on your self and getting it together for you. I am not saying forget about your son but realize any relationship you may have with him in the future may be different than what you expected. I know my son will talk to me and see me from time to time but his father has taught him to be lazy and get what he can out of other people. My daughter has written me off and has been alienated badly. Think about what you need to do for you now and what will make Karen more secure both mentally and emotionally. My faith has helped me as well but you need to find your own strength. I never thought I would be able to but eventually did. Please send me a note anytime you want to chat and take care. Trish

      • Karen
        December 2, 2014 at 6:12 PM

        Wow Trish those are powerful words as well as encouraging ones- thanks- you just know what to say and thoroughly understand- it is awesome.I am focusing on my business right now- you see I am a Professional interpreter and translator from French to English and vice versa. I’d say that criminal court interpretation has been quite the therapy- meaning that I see worse cases and people who are extremely hurt and sick in life. I still have my health and energy.

        I am back in court on account of social services- there is a Young girl about 22-23 ( still in diapers) who thinks she knows everything and tries to give me documents only in French – I of course refuse to sign documents in French and require them in English – afterall there are 2 official languages in Canada. I see my son who is being encouraged to make an emergency call or manipulative call to SS when he wants to get his own way – you see when he comes to my place, I make him do some written English and help out with a few chores. So, he turns around calls SS to tell them he is bored at my place etc – they turned around and applied emergency measures – IMAGINE!! I told the Young girl that my son is manipulating and lieing as I take him to a prestigious social club, to shows, muséums, golfing etc.

        She thinks kids should not go to muséums and that golf is absolutely not for kids- Vince has been playing since he was 6 years old and he is now 13. He has always dreamed of going to the championships and I had him volunteer his time this summer at the World Golf Championship – since he is fluent in French and English- they had him work as a T.V.Spotter – and The Golf Channel. As you can see, this is not a SS case- but one rather for mediation and soul searching.

        Anxious to hear from you.

        Karen

      • Trish
        December 3, 2014 at 1:00 PM

        Hi Karen. My experience is similar even in the US in Florida. The judge that was her in my case over the years was discipline many times for going behind parents and actually talking to children without their consent. I didn’t find that out till probably about a year ago. In addition Department of children and families were called many times by my ex. When my daughter particular was not respectful I would send her to her room and as a result of that my ex called children family services saying that I locked the children in their bedrooms. Of course when they came they saw several unlocked doors and as a result that investigation was closed. Another time my ex called and actually I heard him on the phone being taped telling my daughter that he was going to call children and family services to have them taken away for me. Of course this tape was never admissible in court however it was part of my telephone set up. A few months later children family services came to my house stating that they had received a complaint that my children are starving to death. I asked the investigator had he ever seen my children? He replied no and I showed him a picture of two children who are a bit pudgy. And then proceeded to show in my pantry in my refrigerator which were stocked full of food that only frozen but fresh. I think proceeded to explain to the investigator that I was a combination of French Italian and Spanish and it would certainly be against my culture to starve my children. He instantly broke out in laughter and again so I can investigation was closed. So Karen I have absolutely shared your pain and I can tell you that the truth usually wins out in the end. Since we share common heritage I would like to get in touch with you we can talk further would you be willing to do that? I hope for the best and wish you the very best wishes and extreme calmness in the situation because I know that having people to talk to and support you is just so critically important. I didn’t have the site when I was going through all this and I am really blessed to have it now in my life. Take care of yourself Trish.

      • Karen
        December 7, 2014 at 5:30 PM

        Hi Trish,
        I,d love to talk – honestly. I am in Canada however.

        Does that cause a problem for you?

        You know, it is so painful being alone like this and of course my son was my last hope.. I think I will have to wait another 10-15 years – by then I’ll be 60-65 and things won’t really matter anymore as both will have settled and gone on with their lives being used to not having their mother.

        I am so enraged at the court and family services system that it is outrageous.

        This Christmas, I am not even going to be around- after what just happened in court last week – my son refused to come or my birthday neither one called or came to see me – now it is not my turn for Christmas – quite frankly a normal person would at least go see their mother on Christmas day even if it were for 30 mins.

        I am supposed to have Vince for New Years and I have not plan on being around then – I will be elsewhere and do not see why I should have to rush back just for him and then to be told that he doesn’t want to come over because we do too much or it is too boring. I am fed up of the manipulation. So, I have decided to think only of myself as odd as this seems and hurts both at the same time.

        Thanks for your reply earlier.

        Karen

        Karen

      • Trish
        December 13, 2014 at 3:19 PM

        Hi Karen. It shouldn’t be an issue to talk to you in Canada but I can check with my phone provider. I wonder if there is any way to give you my number without posting it on this board? I am studying for finals right now but would love to chat any time after the 16th!

  50. Tay
    November 3, 2014 at 4:42 PM

    I don’t know that you can ever give up. I’ve fought for four years to bring my children away from their demons. And two and a half years ago, my ex finally walked away. Then he remarries and suddenly he’s back with vengance and I walk away from a hearing where I asked to no longer be subjected to their bullying, their demands and the harassment that my children, my significant other and his children have endured, false DHS allegations and three hearings in four years, all of which I never filed for, only defended myself. only to have my attorney throw me under the bus and my children ripped from my life. I just have to keep hoping that what I did in those two and a half years will make a difference between what they are told and what they believe.

  51. Ron K
    November 10, 2014 at 4:36 AM

    The last time I was on here, I related to all about the destruction of a nation. The break up of the family unit is the first thing to go. I have a daughter that is so abusive I couldn’t even describe it here, TinyC has it correct, and PAS lives on with people just saying they can’t do anything about it. The disrespect I have received is shadowed by the disdain my former souse has for me. Coming back from being in combat a complete mess, and trying to sort my life out was next to impossible. My former spouse as a VA nurse used my disabilities against me in every way possible. I told the VA what she was doing, and they didn’t care. No wonder the suicide rate of veterans is so high.

  52. Ron K
    November 12, 2014 at 10:39 AM

    I will be leaving this site, since none of you seem to grasp the enormity of what is going on here. I think it is organized, and know it is a method to tear this country down. If no one believes, and believe me I have tried to tell you, then I am done.

    • KathyC
      November 18, 2014 at 4:09 PM

      Ron, I see the “bigger picture” you are getting at, I really do. As an alienated parent, my abuser/alienater has 100% organized and calculated everything I’ve endured with respect to this. Society, the court systems, so called friends and support, and even family have given him the green light to do so. By doing nothing they send the message that “it is ok”. They support this behaviour instead of condemning it.

      A fundamental right, every good parent should have, to be able to love, communicate and freely have a relationship with their child is taken away. Is this the start of a breakdown of a nation? YES! When a fundamental core gives way to corrupt values and destruction, there is little hope for future generations. I hope my alienated kids never have children of their own.

      You have adult children, not everyone is at that point yet to see the outcome. My kids are young but I have prepared myself, knowing there isn’t going to be a happy ending with them. My only hope is faith in that the entire world is not like this, that good people exist. These are the people I try and surround myself with.

    • November 22, 2014 at 8:36 PM

      Hi Ron …… we DO understand the enormity of what is going on here – my heart goes out to you as it does to everyone here ……. With our ex-partner, friends, family and other proxys working over many years to alienate our kids against us, there is little we can do but stand firm in our truth ……. our own kids are accomplices in this !!!!!!!! …. there is little we can do. I often find myself desperate for others to understand, but the more I do, the more I play into the hands of these abusers …… And it is abuse; even from our own kids. Maybe one day, collectively we will see something that we can do, but until that time, we must remain vigilant and true to ourselves, our integrity and our truth.

    • January 13, 2015 at 11:31 AM

      Ron, just remember the words of hate are from their mother. I know it hurts, be thankful you are with the vengeful woman.

    • Karen
      January 18, 2015 at 7:18 PM

      Ron – there is a movement in Quebec- Canada that is underway and they have proof of how social services and all the other actors involved are crooked and the corruption is enormous. I am in the same situation as you and it makes us good people look like the rotten ones – i know 100% believe me – you re not alone.

  53. trisha
    December 28, 2014 at 8:14 PM

    It has been a difficult Christmas. I have never posted a comment to anything on-line before. Perhaps that demonstrates my need for support after five years of great pain. I hear so much sadness and grieving in the posts and it all sounds so familiar to me. At the same time I finally see there is someone else who knows how this hurts. In an odd way that gives me hope. I have lost two of four children throughout this horribly painful process and can see the third is on his way. I feel unable to influence him except to reinforce the need for basic human values and educate my child to the tactics often used in these situations according to my experience and what I read. I imagine many of you probably count me lucky to still have two of my children and I am. The sadness and my own inability to move on without the other two in our lives absorbs a great deal of my attention however. I wish I could come up with practical solutions to prevent what I am certain will be the taking of the third child through the manipulation and brainwashing. If anyone can help please let me know.

    • Felicia
      January 1, 2015 at 1:47 AM

      Hello Trisha: My ex husband has alienated my only child from me and my relatives. I saw the signs over the past two years. I had the worse Thanksgiving and Christmas and pray each day that GOD intervene. I am grieving, do not sleep much, feel withdrawn, and I feel as though no one understands this pain. My ex husband has a ruthless attorney who enables him in the alienation and to make my life a living nightmare. My ex has a history of child abuse, domestic violence, but he still calls all the shots when it comes to my child’s well being. I have been fighting this battle for a year now and it has worn me out mentally and financially. I sometimes want to give up and just except things for the way they are, but then I read stories like yours and others who have experience this PAS(should be a crime) which makes me want to continue my fight for my only child!

      • Trish
        January 2, 2015 at 1:30 PM

        Hi Felecia. It is definitely exhausting and the one recommendation to stay the course is to take care of yourself at least in one way Maybe that is exercise, counseling, or whatever finds you peace. For me my faith helped me to stay strong and I was lucky to haven second husband who stayed during this insanity. It still amazes me how the courts refuse to see what is going on with alienation. It’s as if they believe that their court rooms will be even busier if they address it. In reality they will be less busy if they simply threw the alienating parents in jail for a number of years and provided support to the alienated so they could resume a healthy relationship with their children! I wish you the best my dear and my prayers are with you for peace.

  54. skooter
    January 7, 2015 at 1:02 PM

    I am a victim of this horrible disturbing lifetime event. I greive deeply into my bone marrow. Words cannot express the pain I have endured. Therapy only one true judge in this for those who are victimized, GOD, He loves his innocent children…….as for the judges in our courtrooms, what a joke….our legal system is not worth a flip. I’v upand cringe at the very thought of the day my daughter seeks redemtion

    • January 13, 2015 at 11:15 AM

      Skooter I feel your pain. I find solace in the fact that if some is capable of doing this, their life must be pretty shit!

  55. skooter
    January 7, 2015 at 1:09 PM

    I am a victim of this horrible disturbing lifetime event. I greive deeply into my bone marrow. Words cannot express the pain I have endured. Therapy only one true judge in this for those who are victimized, GOD, He loves his innocent children…….as for the judges in our courtrooms, what a joke….our legal system is not worth a flip. I cringe at the very thought of the day my daughter seeks redemtion . It was one thing for my X to manipulate and decieve, but a whole new bowl of wax once my baby girl addopted her mothers personality and became the mouth piece of hatefull idiology endives by years of misguided revenge. All my heart all my soul, TABITHA ROSE…..you’ll always be…..COCA DI PAPA!!!

  56. Anur Alli
    January 9, 2015 at 12:08 AM

    My GP hasn’t heard of parental alienation syndrome. This needs to be acknowledged in the medical industry. It’s a start atleast.

  57. Samantha
    January 13, 2015 at 11:12 AM

    I am the stepmother of two daughters, one of which has been totally alienated towards her father and the other daughter is still being groomed, she has not yet succumb to her mothers bitterness. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. I have had had to put up with things being taken from our home without our knowledge, spying and now apparently I am the reason why this is happening. The courts so far have not seen through the mothers lies, they do not recognize PAS. My partner and I feel hopeless, I believe the mothers end goal is to break us up, thankfully each time we get knocked down, it only makes us stronger.

    • Renee
      January 29, 2015 at 1:51 AM

      I am also the stepmother of one daughter, who was alienated from her father & I. She lived with Dad, then us, never with the mom. Oh, Mom tried 6 times to change that. She finally succeeded when my daughter was 15. Promised her the world and told her that Dad & I would pay for it. She even twisted the Guardian et Litem, who previously wouldn’t let the girl go live with her mother. I saw the Guardian about a year after she moved. When she asked how it was going, I told her the awful truth. We hadn’t seen the girl in over 10 months. She missed 5 months of school, was so sick she used a walker, etc. etc. (the diagnosis was stress and only stress). The Guardian was appalled, said she had no idea this would happen. I called her a liar and reminded her of what she had told us just 2 years earlier.

      Fast forward 4 years. My daughter missed so much school, but was able to graduate because of the school’s lackadaisical attitude. She has reconnected we us, but the relationship will never be what it used to be or what it could have been. She is damaged for life. Yes her mom did a bang up mental job on her. I shudder to say what I would like to do with the mom. My daughter just moved in with her boyfriend, he doesn’t like the mom. He’s been patiently trying to help my daughter. It will be a rough road for her for the rest of her life and we will be here for her as we always were.

  58. No More
    February 12, 2015 at 11:19 AM

    Brief history…we were married for 13 years, he was never involved with children’s upbringing, I had constant put downs, from the meals not good enough, criticism of my family, house had to be cleaned everyday, no childrens toys lying around !?!! My social life was non existent, rare occasion I did go out with friends I was afraid to return, he would wait up and question as to where I had been, with who, becoming verbally absusive. He craved attention from women, and would flirt openly in front of not only myself, but our children. He actually said he has to beat women off with a stick, my children still recall this.The final straw came one family holiday abroad, the children were all under the age of 10. The flirting and drinking with other women, whilst we sat and watched. Our children crying as they were tired ( dark, late at night and a foreign country ). Again, he became verbally abusive, threw money at me and informed make our own way back to the apartment as he was having a drink. How I walked those dark, empty streets with three children, I will never know. He rolled up hours later, shouting racist remarks at neighbours and very worse for wear. The next day, no apologies, no mention. This is one example of his behaviour over the course of our relationship. A few months after this holiday I walked out on him. Not long after I discovered he had numerous affairs during our marriage. Our divorce was 20 years ago, during that time he has alienated my eldest child from me. Too many things to say, but my eldest has been brain washed over the years as many others here on the site have seen, with regards to myself…I have treated my eldest no differently from my other children. He knows I love him very much, I will never give up that love. My ex has tried to alienate my second eldest over the years, and sadly I can now see this going to the same way. I have not seen my ex for almost 10 years, but he continues to get to me through our children, the cycle continues, they have leant to treat me the same as my ex, I am ridiculed, critised, laughed at, they tell their father everything about my life. If I try to defend myself the abuse escalates so I have learnt to remain quiet. I now have a grandchild to my eldest, I was not allowed to see her for a week after her birth, first glimpse of her on FB !! …ex had full access, the day we went to see her for the first time, she was passed to me over the top of my DIL’ s head. Not one photograph has been taken of me and my husband with my grand daughter ( been together since divorcing ex 20 years ago ). Family occasions, such as grand daughters first birthday celebration, we were not invited nor told anything about it, until we see posts on fb ( now deleted account as it is too painful ). We were originally told that my eldest, DIL and granddaughter were spending the day alone with her as they wanted no drama !! ChrIstmas just past, eldest called to see what we would like for Christmas, this is the first time we have been asked this question as we normally receive nothing !! We discussed what we would all like to give and receive as gifts. The day arrived to exchange gifts, we received nothing, whilst they sat and opened our gifts to them, no apologies, reasons why no gifts etc…Me second eldest has recently informed me that my ex is constantly wanting information about me ( he remarried 15 years ago ), informed my AC there us no reason for this and it has to stop. His wife is another thorn in my side, she has over the years tried to replace me as their mother. Mother’s Day, eldest sends step mum cards and presents…I…nothing for 20 years. Same with my birthday. I go round in circles, it is only the last couple of months I have tried to tell my children some truths regarding their father, ( for 20 years I have let them figure their own minds up, but to no avail ). Sadly things are no better, the last 20 years are now starting to affect my health. Trying to let go but it is very difficult. But how many more times do we have to go through this process of grief ? Sadly, I now worry for my grand daughter, I can forsee things getting no better, the last thing I want is for this little girl to be used asthenosphere dangling carrot. It breaks my heart but I am considering cutting all contact as I cannot bear to sit and watch any more lives being torn apart.

  59. jallisonphd
    February 26, 2015 at 4:16 PM

    I am SO relieved to find this site. Alienation from a child is a grief like no other. I’ve felt like no one understands: “You need to move on with your life”, “Let Go and Let God.” Separation from my daughter is a constant, open cycle of grieving with short reprieves. Thank you, J

    • trisha
      February 28, 2015 at 2:24 AM

      J. I feel like you hit the nail on the head. For me this is a cycle of grief with short reprieves. I want to wake up and not immediately think of them or when I have a free moment, then not to immediately think of them. If this is my future then at least I wish I could turn down the pain. I gave up believing it would go away but if I could just decrease it enough to live again. I can never imagine entering another relationship either. Not after this experience. How could you explain this is a way that would make sense to anyone.

  60. jallisonphd
    March 1, 2015 at 7:50 AM

    Trisha, I just wrote a very long reply, but it didn’t post :( It’s late now. I will try to reconstruct it again. Basically, my daughter will always be #1–relationship with another or not. I have limited time on earth with her and taking away from that time would only add more grief (I tried spreading out myself too thinly between her and dating. . . ). I have writing, dancing, singing, and crying to reprieve. I’m trying creative arts for some beautiful outlet. But in the end, my soul feels it will never rest. At time point. . . .

    • Karen
      March 2, 2015 at 12:46 PM

      Jallison, I think you are doing the right thing by keeping yourself busy – I call this cultural pain kilers – I do the same, I volunteer at the Orchestra and I end up going out with friends to the Opera as I get free tickets and the same goes for a variety of committees that I have become involved in.

      To my surprise- I told my kids that I was no longer bending over backwards and now they are seeking to come to me. I shall explain something I found extremely hard to do. Take what happens when you run after a dog- he only runs away further – (by the way it took me 4.5 years to understand this) – well I went to a mediation session with a judge and told everyone around the table that I had been fighting for 4.5 years, I had given up work on inservice days only to see my son who would decide not to come or my ex would either bring him real late.
      When I told everyone that I was getting more contracts as I am self employed and that things are really starting to move -I got up and said that they would be able to come when it was convienent for me and even if they wanted to come on an inservice day tjhat it could be quite likely that I just may not be available. Next, I said well, out of love I give up my right to make him come every 2 weekends – my son is 13. If he wants to stay at his fathers and not bother contacting me- fine he is free to make that choice however he is not free of the conséquences. Well Social Services and my Ex both chimmed in and said : Well he has to see his mother!! What a surprise. My son Vince just came this past weekend and it has been 3 months of abuse on his part and social sercvices who have applied abusive measure just to please my ex and my son who has learned how to manipulate all throughout this whole shitty mess.

      When they feel that you are becoming more distance which in reality means that you have come to the stage of acceptance – then this throws them a curve ball that they do not know how to handle and it gives you more power.How I pray Jallison that you soon come to this point.

      Karen

      • Chris
        March 3, 2015 at 1:14 PM

        I applaud your determination to refuse to be abused any longer. I feel that Alienation teaches our children abuse of another persons feeling is ok, even towards your parent.

  61. March 5, 2015 at 11:32 PM

    Karen, in my lengthy reply which got lost while posting my short one.. .. .. I explained that I am now doing what you explained: not allowing to be used and on a leash (so to speak) determined by my daughter and ex. The results have been amazing. She’s seeking me out more, and expresses appreciation for me without prompting her! I appreciate your detailed description of your journey. As I read it, it affirmed my actions because I followed a similar approach. Thank you for your prayers. I am new to getting to this point. Hearing from you helps to know that I don’t have to be stuck. I still have a sadness within, but what’s changed is that I don’t feel desperate. Desperation causes me to do unhealthy acts (like ask her to say “I love you”, compare myself to the ex as if he’s perfect–which is insane). Your message reminded me of my daughter’s grief/growth cycle too. She has her own timeline, and I can’t and won’t force it. Forcing is unhealthy in life. Things are better in small ways. I’ll take em! <3

  62. jallisonphd
    March 5, 2015 at 11:33 PM

    Dear Chris, thank you for joining the conversation Trisha and I were having. I hope to hear from you, and learn about your story too. <3

  63. Barbara
    March 12, 2015 at 7:25 PM

    I live up in Ontario and things are not better here. My daughter moved out and I have not seen her in 1.5 years. She is 15. She refuses to speak to me at all. Her dad told her that I left to go drinking in bars and picking up guys, which is rediculous. He waged a campaign from the day I left him for being abusive. I took my kids and moved. Now my son who still stays with me week on and week off is on the same downward spiral. I know he won’t stick around. My son is so disrespectful to me, the same as my daughter was before she left.
    I have been through the legal system, and they ordered counselling, she refused to go, so that’s that. I was told by the office of the children’s lawyer that if I were to pursue this in court it would cost me about 80,000 and I would most likely still not have my kids. I feel like she died. I am sick with the thought of paying half my paycheck for kids I will never see. I know I won’t be able to live off what is left. I am very scared.
    Before I moved away from their dad I was their primary caregiver, I did all the cooking and cleaning and shopping and social organization and held down a good full time job. If I thought this would have been the outcome I would have stayed there and put up with it, at least I would have the love of my kids.

    • dea
      March 18, 2015 at 9:30 PM

      It’s strange that so many woman say that…(myself included) who knows what that future would have held, I predicted certain death, by my husband, but I guess this is no different, I have died many times over and find little to rejoice I. Some say, better to have my life for them to come back to, however if you can’t get outta the loop that keeps repeating, what’s the difference…getting stabbed, shot, ran down by a car…strangled…physical pain goes and so does the scars…when the bad guy has the kids (because of a slight case of coma) conveniently, they just send their friends after you for the rest of your life….so, no. It doesn’t matter and some of us could’ve predicted the future but you only have to convince a pompus judge for an hour not a lifetime that you’re an angel and not the devil. Motivation of courts is strictly money, not child welfare, it’s how there going to juice you the most…if they were any good at their jobs (remotely now) counties/districts would be broke by the first 90 days of the year!

  64. JBryan
    April 5, 2015 at 11:51 PM

    I’m a 54 year old male that has not seen or heard from my 33 year old daughter since my ex wife’s funeral in may of 2010. We terminated our relationship in 1991, our girl was 10 at the time. Since the time of the separation thru the divorce and thru the grueling times of child support and financial difficulty, the ex would always make it difficult for me to see my girl. She basically grew up with out me, except when the ex needed more than child support money, and I always paid my share, braces, school clothing, books etc. There were times when after everyone else was paid, I had less then $25 for me to get to my next pay day. I remarried in 1998, my daughter cried at the reception, but the next day while out to SeaWorld with my new wife and her two kids, things seemed okay. There always seemed to be some reason why she could not be happy when she was with me, either alone or with the new family. I remember one time while driving her to have Christmas pictures taken she jumped out of the car because she was determined this was not going to happen. she didn’t get hurt but boy talk about stubborn. The marriage with my second wife only lasted 1 year, she says even my own daughter did not love me, why should she. I have been alone since then. I have sent my daughter cards for every event that comes up thru the years and never receive anything back. while at the funeral of her mom, she died of cancer, she did not speak to me until I spoke to her, and she gave me a bogus phone number. I’m not a bad guy, I have tons of friends a good life, I have a decent job, make decent money, live in a decent house. I just don’t understand this whole alienation process she is going thru. and her not making any attempt to communicate to me what the problem is, I have given up. I think about her all the time. I have started the dating process again, at 54 it’s not easy. Dating conversations always come up with do I have any kids? How do you explain this? She has her second family, I recently went on the facebook hunt to try and find her, found her on my exwives friends families site, calling her the daughter they never had. so at least I have a recent photo of her. After seeing her picture and reading what I read, I felt like a stalker, and was mad at my self for even doing that kind of research, and now my self esteem is lower than ever. I’m not sure what to do, I’m her father, the only true family member she has. It’s been 23 years since her mom and I split up, and she is grown has her own life, inherited my ex’s home and her grandpa’s house in the ex’s will, so she has been taken care of financially thru the life insurance of her mom. so she doesn’t need me for any of those reasons, nor do I need her for any of those reasons. Is there such a thing that she just doesn’t like me and feels she doesn’t need me for anything? I started writing her a journal about my life and how and where I grew up, thinking if she was to read this maybe she might get to know things about me she doesn’t know. I was considering sending it to her, unfinished and make a comment that if she wanted to know more about me and her mom, to please write or call me sometime. I miss her mom, before she died her and I made peace with each other and I feel stronger about our relationship than I did while we were married. We were married right out of high school, we were each others first true love. I don’t know if our girl knows about how or where or why her mother and I met, how our relationship evolved to marriage or if she even cares. Does anybody want to chime in with some tips of there own on how they dealt with a similar situation I would appreciate it.
    Sincerely,
    JBryan

    • Barbara
      April 12, 2015 at 3:00 AM

      Hi JBryan
      I know how you feel about it all. My daughter is only 15 but I have not seen her in over 18 months. I keep hoping it will click in with her that I am a good person and that I care about her. Her dad has manipuated her to believe that I don’t care about her.
      I also send cards and emails and look for her on facebook and other such places. I am unsure what else to do. I am also in my 50s and unable to find a partner. What you said about when dates ask about if you have kids, I don’t know what to say. I have an 11 year old son who stays with me week on and week off. I think in the future I am just going to tell any potential dates that I only have one child, and down the road bring up the alienated child. I feel like I am admitting to being some kid of bad parent as what child would totally reject a good parent? I think about my daughter every day and I feel that this situation with her is getting between me finding love again as I can’t really focus on anything else and I end up talking about it alot, I can’t move on.
      I feel for you JBryan, you aren’t alone and I completely understand.
      BB

      • Trish
        April 19, 2015 at 11:32 PM

        I went through the same thing and has to explain what I went through with my alienated children such that it got to the point that I just didn’t mention them anymore. It was just easier and I didn’t have to face the judgement by others that I was just a bad mother or something. It got a lot easier over time and it was no ones business anyway.

  65. Sam k
    April 14, 2015 at 10:22 PM

    after over 14 years to the best of my financial and emotional ability to involve my children in my life and them constantly rejecting me I had to let go.
    do not judge another until you walked a mile in his shoes. how sad for my daughter’s and I.

  66. Stephen
    April 16, 2015 at 5:31 PM

    Three daughters, ten year marriage, no fault divorce…slides into long distance secret child re-locations and every possible interference tactic to an Order for Shared Legal Custody and Liberal Parenting time. My daughters’ entire childhood is filled with re-location drama, physical custody exchange drama, and a trail of abandoned houses, friends, pets, schools, and the entire branch of their family. Every year she offered less time together, more distance and logistical hardships, less communication access, finally resulting in total isolation and sequestration, 3000 miles away. They have nothing to inherit but a very sad, and crazy story of one parent’s selfishness, and vindictiveness. I don’t think I will leave a grave site where they can come to desecrate their narrated memory of their father, I shall leave that on-line.

  67. 999Flynn
    April 26, 2015 at 7:51 AM

    Stephen are you still with us?

    Unfathomable yet we have to go on – it is the same story over and over.

    Vindictive ex decides to use the only thing they can destroy you with and then the kids line up with the most disturbing stories and the experts don’t know what to do.

    Then you have to pay extortion for the rape or go to jail.

    We only suffer because we have hearts that are beaten- what type of monster could live with themselves while they watch the children suffer.

    They are psychopaths that have become inflamed by the split.

    • Marty
      May 11, 2015 at 12:48 PM

      Please read up about the symptoms of a sociopath. I firmly believe that alienating parents who will turn kids against a parent are sociopaths. They do not have the ability to feel empathy for another human being, let alone for a person who hurt or angered them. They will use anything from gas lighting to playing the victim card. And the scary part is that they think they are doing it to protect their children from you, a loving parent. And I know you are a loving parent because you came across this blog while looking for answers because you cannot go on like this anymore.

  68. jon
    May 4, 2015 at 8:02 AM

    And this makes the point all too clear. im broke, alone, alienated, lost, afraid, heartbroken. She has taken it all, my soul is empty. My son is not mine anymore, I am an ATM. She has it all, I have no future nor path. The details are the same, i am currently paying 1400.00 a month for one child including errands. That only covers the interest. She has two homes, 3 cars, and all the luxury one could aspire too. My car finally died and the 3 hour bus ride to see my son once a month is crushing. Last lawyer did nothing while she broke court order after court order. I cannot fight any longer. after 7 years I just want it to end.

    • sarah
      May 9, 2015 at 3:26 PM

      I read all of your posts and wish there was an easy way out. I am stepmother living through this. After years of fighting it, we have succeeded to defeat. The court visits and the money spent in desperation, to see your children is so unfair. Until there is a way to make the perpetrators pay for their crimes, one just has to stay strong, keep up the love, if you get the chance and hope that one day the victims will see through the manipulation and try and make peace?

  69. May 9, 2015 at 3:38 PM

    Scott I agree the courts provide no solution, they just fuel the manipulation. I am a mother too and I would never deny my child a relationship with her father. I wonder what makes a person so hateful?
    I come up with jealousy, inferiority, bitterness and narcissism. Of which there is no cure…

    • Renee
      May 12, 2015 at 2:30 AM

      Sarah, I am also a step mom who’s been through this with my husband’s child. Shes grown now and is slowly realizing what her mother did to her, to us and to the relationship we once had. We’ve agreed that the past can’t be changed so we are forging ahead and making a stronger relationship.
      Now I am watching my son go thru it with his ex. Same song and dance, different child. He’s moved on with his life and she can’t handle that coupled with the prospect of their son turning age in a couple years. She has to live with herself at that point and she doesn’t like it…mostly because she doesn’t like the person she is. Rather than change their lives, these alienators chose to destroy the people closest to them namely their children. That way they won’t be alone with the person they hate the most…themselves.

  70. trisha
    May 10, 2015 at 10:17 PM

    Scott, I feel your pain and sense of loneliness and despair. I completely agree with Trish. I didn’t know how to exist in a world where I wasn’t the mother to my children. I am beginning to take those tiny steps to move ahead without them. I hate to say this but things do get better over time. I know how little that helps right now. I use to cry every single day. Not anymore. I have done damage to myself due to the chronic suffering. Now I realize I have an obligation to care for myself.
    I wish you peace and you will smile again.

    • Dea
      May 14, 2015 at 7:14 PM

      I would like to know if there is a selfish rake your ex over the coals vindictive website where everybody learns this or is it natural? if there is a website we should go read it learn it and turn it over to get ahead (please notice I didn’t say practice the process, ew), or is that just the more expensive willing to do anything attorney from hell?

  71. Marty
    May 11, 2015 at 12:36 PM

    How many of us who are at the receiving end of parental alienation left the relationship because we were being emotionally and verbally abused? What has made us think that our abuser would stop when we left the relationship? I think parental alienations is another way to continue abusing us but in such a way as to make us virtually powerless. There is nothing my ex could have done to hurt me more than to take the love and close connection between me and my kids away. And it hurts every minute of every day. All I can say if that he does not need to say anything anymore to hurt me. His abuse is continuing all by itself through the fact that I am being hated by the two people I love most in the world. He has gotten the ultimate revenge for every imagined and real thing I ever did wrong in our relationship. In the last text he sent me he called me a whore, liar and thief. I can still forgive all the verbal abuse, the walking on egg shells, the fear, the shouting, the lying in bed wishing I could die inside so as not to feel anything anymore, the cold shoulder, the lack of affection and total lack of respect and love from him. I can forgive him for making me feel like I have been living in a desert for 25 years. But no, I do not forgive him for the fact that he convinced my kids to believe that I do not love them and did not want to be with them. He can do to me what he wants to, I don’t care. But letting my kids think their own mom doesn’t love them or is in any way inferior to any other loving mom, that is unforgivable. And it is a death sentence for me. And I wonder, is it even humanly possible for a parent to let go and accept that a child you have loved since before they were born, unconditionally and still love unconditionally ( I even have a lock of my daughters hair from her very first haircut in the pages of my bible) hates you. And for what? I thought I was standing up for myself against my abuser. Little did I know he would have the last laugh.

    • Dea
      May 14, 2015 at 7:45 PM

      Oh, my dear Marty…kindred is how I feel now to you. I assure you some days are good and some are bad, but remember the egyptian mother who refused to split her child in two?…She proved she was the real mother by her selfless acts. Just being a mother is sometimes painful and the reward is great, however the circumstances for us and others like us offer little if any reward and the circumstance are great spiked with peril and little or no discernable reward. But I offer that if you move onward do not close your heart, because you may only get one fleeting chance. like I had recently (amen) hadn’t seen them in over 7 years and my oldest-17 (or her shadow) came into my church on a -5 day…that hour was as profound as the birth had been and she was still my daughter after all this time, i found grave circumstances in the home and with her and she was worried about apologizing to me..to me? so dear…quick as that she had to sneak out and was gone again. A few months later she’d passed of a disease that runs in my family, one chance, all I got , and I had prayed for those missing years that shed know she was loved, afterward of course, I know my prayers were definitely answered, and I should have relied on and prayed for more than that but was afraid of being too needy or selfish, imagine by the big guy.

  72. trisha
    May 13, 2015 at 4:35 PM

    Marty, I feel like we share such similar feelings and experiences. I do not know if it is possible to let go as you say and accept your child doesn’t care. Maybe this is a process we have to try to do in order to keep going. I have tried everything I could possibly think of to reach my sons but with zero success and the pain was destroying me. Now I am taking small steps to try and move forward without them and with the destruction they have left me with. I can’t live normally yet but I hope that will come. I hope you can start to take those small steps to care for yourself. We all deserve happiness.

  73. Trish
    May 13, 2015 at 11:25 PM

    You are soo right with your comment. I agree with every word. It is a constant grief that is very hard to resolve since there is no casket but just constant reminders.

  74. Dea
    May 14, 2015 at 7:20 PM

    I just don’t understand the “fighting and ownership” of it, obviously it was a bad relationship, the kids are the greatest things, just go away and live your visitations as you will, don’t disturb mine etc… If the Exs didn’t want to be married and family in the first place why fight in the second place, totally don’t get it…and They say Dahlmer was a bad guy, he admitted (proudly his wrongs) and owned them (yes he was disgusting etc…,but even that garbage knew truth)-food for thought…literally

  75. Ken
    May 27, 2015 at 6:20 AM

    I am not sure that many could ever arrive at letting go of their own children. There is always the of a good parent that things might change. A Christian perspective helps keep this hope alive. .

    However, as many have observed, the family court system is a complete and utter disaster. Governments have encouraged divorce rather than maintaining practices and expectations that help keep families together. And fathers especially have little hope statistically of shared parenting of their own children after divorce or separation.

    Rightfully blaming lawyers, judges, and family courts will do little to save the many children and parents marred by PAS. Many must suffer before society realizes the cost to everyone and demands change.

  76. Dlp123
    May 30, 2015 at 11:06 PM

    I am both the mother and custodial parent of a 16 year old boy. His father and I divorced many years ago and co-parented very well together until four years ago. I always had an opend door policy for my son to spend as much time with his dad as needed to help him experience a close bond without restrictions with both of us. His father was not as involved with his schoolwork as I wanted and he spoiled our son with expensive gifts throughout the year, but I always knew spending money was how he showed love. I attempted to help our son learn empathy, compassion, and the importance of showing love through action without ever being critical of his father’s parenting unless he ever crossed a boundary when he became angry at times as all parents do. Four years ago, his father started dating a woman who seemed to be a great addition in my ex-husband’s life. As the two of them became closer, my son started struggling with bullying and depression. He was in the 6th grade which is the timeframe for current bullying trends. I was a very active advocate for my son and he and I became even closer. Even though the school did not comply with their own policies, my son felt very empowered due to my support and the methods he and I practiced using his own unique sense of humor to counter his bullies. He was somewhat successful, but the bullying escalated nonetheless. While his dad was concerned, he did not participate in school meetings nor did he discuss the bullying with our son. I assumed it was just too painful for him to deal with as was the case in other difficult situations. My son changed schools the following year and blossomed. For two years, my son and I enjoyed a very strong bond while he made many new friendships who celebrated his wonderful personality and encouraged his talents. He created an animation about the bullying he experienced and it won top honors in the International Student Media Festival. His father started spending less time with the two of us during holidays, but I viewed this as a typical result of his new relationship. As long as my son was happy and his father and I were still a united co-parenting team, I saw no reason to be concerned. Following that year, my ex-husband and his girlfriend moved in together. Everything started to go down hill very quickly. My son started performing very poorly in school after making straight As and started acting very disrespectfully towards me. Everyone assumed this was puberty, but something didnt seem right to me. My son became very depressed and I saught help from a therapist. I was afraid he had not fully dealt with the bullying and thought he was probably having a difficult time adjusting to his dad’s new living arrangements. While his depression got better, his anxiety became worse along with his anger towards me. He ultimately became violent towards me and I felt It was in both of our best interst for him to live with his dad during the week while spending weekends with me. While I continied to take my son to therapy in attempt to reestablish our relationship, he continued to pull away from me. My son did ultimately open up regarding negative comments and jokes his dad and girlfriend were making about me daily. Even more concerning were the conflicting stories he was being told about past events with me which were untrue. I attempted to comfort him while also clearing up any misinformation. My son became filled with rage towrds his dad and said he has spent his life hearing his dad talk about me as if I were an idiot. I was shocked. It never occured to me that his dad spoke poorly of me even prior to his new relationship. I confronted his dad. While he did not deny nor confirm the stories, he did deny the daily nagative comments. I made it very clear this was emotionally damaging to our son and it was his job as his father to teach him respect for women especially his mother in order for him to one day have a healthy marriage. I was suddenly cut off from all family holidays. My son slowly stopped wanting to spend time with me altogehter. He never mentioned the negative talk about me again. Fast forward two years later, despite many attempts to peacefully resolve the alienation I have experienced, I barely see my son anymore. He rarely answers my text messages and his father will not speak to me on the phone unless he is driving home from work and his girlfriend is not with him. Legally, I remain the custodial parent. I could make my son come back home. However, my son is full of so much anger which he channels towards me, I know this will only create more hostility. My son appears almost delusional and his memories of our life together are virtually nonexistent. He believes he has repressed memories of my emotional abuse. My mother nas attempted to reach out to him, but he discounts her as well. I’ve offered to get him help to work through these memories. If I could get him help with a therapist trained in parent alienation, ultimately, the truth would come out. However, he refuses to talk to anyone and his father is noncompliant. His father responds to me as if I am overreacting. He simply says our son is going through a phase. I spent my birthday, Thanksgiving, my son’s birthday, and even mother’s day without my son. I did spend Christmas night with my son, but he went to bed early without eating any of his favorite foods or opening presents. The next morning he did open presents and seemed excited but left soon after against my wishes to be with his friends. The next morning, he called his dad to come pick him up several days early while I was still asleep. I woke up while he was leaving and he left all his presents from me behind. This was only the third time I had even seen my son in four months. All three visits totaled four nights. This is not a typical phase especially as close as we once were. I have no idea what action to take which would be in my son’s best interest. I do not have the financial resources to hire an attourney and the tactics my ex-husband now uses are more subtle. I dont want to force my son to come home leaving him vulnerable to Juvenile legal action due to his violence towards me. He needs help, but not juvenile detention. My mother is a social worker in another state. I know how the juvenile system works very well. My therapist is also not sure how I should proceed. I can’t convince my son we were once close while he continues to hear conflicting information from his dad and his girlfriend. My son is so confused and obviously conflicted. He’s failed three classes this year and probably will not graduate despite being highly gifted. I’m a teacher and I know what he is capable of achieving academically. I’m so worried about his emotional stability and how this is impacting his ability to have a healthy and happy life. I am completely devistated and would love to hear from anyone who has been in my place. I’ve only posted my story one other time and was shocked by the comments made by complete strangers accusing me of causing my son’s behavior. I would greatly appreciate compassionate responses. I work with disabled children for a living and have dedicated my life to advocating for children. Thank you.

    • KathyC
      May 31, 2015 at 6:01 AM

      Dlp, please understand that this is not your fault. I too, have come across some really ignorant responses to my PAS story. I’ve come to accept that the majority of people, cannot understand it. Unless they’ve experienced it firsthand, or are close to someone who has, trying to explain it is a lost cause.

      I am a mother to 2 daughters (ages 8&11) who I lost to PAS. I haven’t spoke or seen them in nearly 2 years. My ex and I have been separated for 6. He was an abusive man and alcoholic when I was with him. He did not have an interest in being a father to them while we were together. When we separated, we had a court order that gave him visitation and phone access. His visitation was supposed to be supervised by his mother until he was cleared by a psychiatrist or psychologist. I also had a protection order against him because the abuse was so severe and he continued to threaten me. Despite the past abuse, I followed the court order. I had the girls call him 2x/week and he was able to obtain whatever information he wanted on them (school, medical, activities). We lived 5 hours apart and he had monthly visitation, 1/2 holidays and 2 weeks during the summer. For the first 3 years he only saw them 2-3 weekends/year and maybe 1 week during the summer.

      He tried relentlessly to make my life a living hell. He called Social Services on me numerous times for ridiculous accusations. Each time, it was investigated and dropped. My oldest daughter was seeing a physchiatrist and he harassed the psychiatrist to try to get him to make bogus accusations of me and my new husband. It didn’t go anywhere but the psychiatrist was not impressed. In 3 years he took me to court 24 times, citing these ridiculous accusations. Each time, his case was thrown out. The last time in the jurisdiction we dealt with from the beginning, the judge told him not to come back to the court room unless there was a legitimate change that needed to be made.

      In the meantime my oldest daughter was having issues. She became very secretive and started to do some horrible things towards my husband and I. We continued to try and get her help but her behaviour continued. It became clear that her behaviour was stemming from ideas put into her head by my ex. It’s hard to understand how she was so influenced by him, how easily she was brainwashed. She tried running away numerous times and in her mind believed fictitious events made up by my ex. We had so many good memories and she was choosing to believe in things that never even occurred. She made every day awful and it affected the entire family, I had my younger daughter and my husband had kids from before too. The last time she tried to run away, my ex served me with papers for custody of her. I did not contest it. I had exhausted every avenue and she was getting the best professional help available without any improvement. I had to think of the other children, it was not fair to them to endure the torture she brought on. I thought that maybe the environment with my ex was better for her as she would be able to have more one on one attention. So, a court order was drawn up and he got custody of her and I kept custody of our younger daughter.

      I hoped that this would be an end to the constant chaos and for a while it was. I was an idiot and said I didn’t need child support anymore, even though I made $30,000 and he made $100,000. I wanted to move on and was trying to be amicable. Financially I was ok, but in hindsight maybe things would have turned out differently if he didn’t have money to buy off a lawyer/judge. I did not have much of a relationship with my oldest daughter as it was controlled by my ex. When I did talk to her or see her she was rude and disrespectful. Sometimes I would call, and on the rare occasion I was able to speak with her I could hear ex coaching her to be rude. I had shared parenting rights but he found a way to block me from receiving any information about her. I requested report cards at least 6 times from the school, and although promised they never ever showed up.

      At home with my younger daughter and step kids things were peaceful. We were able to carry on life as a family unit. The community knew what had happened with my oldest daughter but they knew how deeply disturbed she was and didn’t question my actions. She caused major waves with almost everyone she interacted with, and left horrible lasting impressions. The peace lasted roughly a year. Ex only saw our youngest twice during that time. I felt I had moved on with my life. My youngest daughter went to visit her dad for 2 weeks in August 2013. The drop off point was at a service station and I remember feeling like something awful was going to happen. I couldn’t put my finger on it and reassured myself that it was only 2 weeks and I would see her again. I hugged her tight in the rest room of the service station, I still remember the feel of her tiny body in my arms and the smell of her strawberry shampoo. I told her I loved her and would miss her and we proceeded out to the vehicles where her dad’s girlfriend was waiting. That was the last time I saw her.

      A few days before I was to pick her up, I was served with papers claiming that my ex had temporary custody until a court date a week away. He made up an abuse allegation against me in his jurisdiction, got an emergency ex partie order granted and was awarded temporary custody without me having any knowledge this was even happening. I couldn’t even defend myself. This was not supposed to even be possible, switching jurisdictions. It is mind boggling how a judge can make a judgement like that without even taking into consideration all the stuff that happened in the other jurisdiction. Worst yet, this judge was assigned to always handle our case. Corrupt. Anyways, the following week I attended court only to be told that since my youngest daughter was already living with her dad, that we would need an assessment done for both living locations and I was responsible for the cost IF I wanted them to even consider moving back with me. The cost came in around $20,000 and after seeking legal advice I opted against getting it done. When I asked about the abuse allegations, the judge chuckled and said there was no grounds for them and “it was just the sisters plan to be together”. A 9 and 7 year old did not make that plan. To make things worse she didn’t even order a visitation schedule. She said I had “generous access” which translates to no access as it is controlled by my narcissistic ex. As expected, I have also been blocked from my youngest daughters life completely. Somehow, both daughters have taken on the abusive role of my ex and I am not willing to tolerate the abuse. Once in a while their school “accidentally” phones me and relays how poorly emotionally their doing. Once they realize who they are speaking to it gets quiet, and they never send reports of anything they promise to.

      It is sad, but I have let go enough to where I can function and feel happiness again. My husband and I moved away and started over fresh. I know not everyone can do this but it has helped tremendously with the coping. For some time, I really did contemplate ending my life, I’m glad I didn’t! We have been blessed with 2 wonderful children of our own and it’s a struggle when asked how many kids I have, to respond with “2” and not “4”. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. It hurts to know how messed up my daughters are. But, I’m at peace with my actions. I’ve thought out all the scenarios in my head and there is nothing I could have done differently, without ending up with the same outcome or worse.

  77. auntkimmyg
    June 15, 2015 at 7:53 AM

    I am so glad that people are finally talking about this situation.
    I had not seen or talked to my daughter for over 5 years, now we are slowly building our relationship.
    My ex-husband did everything possible to keep her away from me. Told her horrible horrible lies about me, he tried to ruin my standing in the town we live in and he is a Police Officer!!!
    I missed 5 precious years of her life. I missed her first boyfriend and first kiss, all of her High School years. I missed helping her pick out a perfect Prom dress, Homecomings, dances and even her graduation!! But I never gave up or will give up where my only child is concerned. I agree with the article, at times I grieved as if she was dead. I would find out tidbits of her life through mutual friends. Did I mention that he also had her alienate MY entire side of the family, yep it was awful!!!
    It was not until she moved out of his house that she contacted me. It was just this past Christmas (2014). I had been speaking to one of her friend’s on Facebook, not knowing that my daughter was living with her. This friend somehow talked my daughter into calling me. I will never, ever get a better Christmas gift – ever!!!
    We are taking it slow, working together to undue all the damage that has been done. So please don’t ever give up, you never know when you might get that phone call.
    Thank you for shining a light on a VERY real injustice.
    Kim Gorman

  78. Roger S.
    June 17, 2015 at 3:02 PM

    At the end of a 3 year divorce, my x-wife poisoned my then 19 yr old daughter and 15 yr old son against me. I came to realize everything during the ugly battle was fed to them by their mother’s probably with intense emotion. Yes it was ugly, I was awful, but she too was just as evil (and probably even more evil if I gave details). There was just no one there showing them both sides. It’s done now and my children have not seen me in almost 4 years. My son has no communication. Each time my daughter writes me (digital) I don’t help my position (she won’t call or see me). Married 28 years, an excellent participating father with my children. A great provider.., they never went without (and probably too much). And I am sure it asked they would support this (it is not about any type of abuse or anything – and while she left me for another guy, I think it was over before that – I could not live in a loveless relationship with the continuous other men)… I’ve lied plenty during divorce but the lawyers (liars)… they lie to each other, lie in court, and make it happen to keep the war going so they get paid more… Such crap you can only learn once I am certain.

    So now dealing with this “rejected parent” situation. I am nearing the “giving up”. I feel like I am starting to lose those good memories of my family. I am certain they must be concentrating on the recent vs. most of their lives with me. Yes, I did plenty wrong but I did get professional opinions and did what they said and it did not work. She just really did a number on them! Now the kids have both moved out and they won’t give me address or phone numbers. I had been sending mail, gifts, etc to their mother’s house, but I don’t even think they get it.

    I don’t think I have 14 years before I let go like Sam. So sad it is to hear that you went that long. I sometimes feel like I just want it all to be out of my head so I can build and enjoy some new memories. I have my girlfriend of almost 4 years in my life with her children (grown and out in the world). And now their children (becoming my grandchildren as I participate in their growing up).

    I am almost 55 and still on the emotional roller-coaster… get to thinking may be they will call me this fathers day… (this will be 4th with no call, card, contact I am sure). I reached out and have all letters sent them. Asking to meet, me fly there, fly them here. pay everything… just a face-to-face (I feel like that will work). No reply… I am now down to card at birthday to them. Have pre-paid college fund for my son in FL, but not going to use it. A college degree… Still pay insurance, car club, etc. Never a thanks, never a note. When should I stop that???

    Rambling, its almost father’s day I guess.

  79. Scott
    May 6, 2015 at 4:32 AM

    Jumping in…browsing on the WEB about acceptance and looking for advice and discovered this string. I’m 50, divorced 6 years with two girls 15 and 12. Remarried 3-yrs ago, now also have a 12yr old step daughter and 14-yr old step son. Good kids. My Ex had an affair, set me up with a fabricated assault charge to get me out of the house (warning, don’t ever try to take the phone away from someone who’s makes a 911 call and screams that their being assualted even though you’re doing nothing) and moved the boyfriend in the next day. Charge dismissed in a jury trial, settled on 50-50 custody arrangement thinking it was over and moving on with my life. 99.9% certain my Ex has BPD.
    My feedback is that the quicker you get to acceptance the better. Fighting the alienating parent just fuels the vengeance and hate in them. They won’t let up until they “win” by whatever definition winning is in their own mind while completely ignorant or uncaring about the destruction they lay. I’m fortunate that financially I can withstand the fight. I could blow millions in court over years if I wanted but after 2-yrs I’ve discovered what has been echoed by others here that the courts really won’t get involved. Don’t waste your money doing it even though you feel you have to exhaust all avenues. My Ex turned my eldest against me and her stepmother 2 years ago and went do far as to get her to go into the school and claim abuse. My current delima is that now the Ex is starting to work on the younger one. I’m trying to decide whether I should just give up my 50-50 custody of her (which is not what what my 12-yr old wants), and just see her on weekends and in the summers, in order to preserve her memories of me and our relationship. Co parenting just sets me up as a slow moving target for my Ex giving her opportunity after opportunity to make me out as the bad guy.

  80. Trish
    May 9, 2015 at 12:38 PM

    Hi Scott. Please know you are not alone even though this doesn’t take the hurt away. I do speak with my son from time to time so even though I had given up hope I was able to reconnect. My daughter was too manipulated and taught to be narcissistic so no communication there. What helped me most was to try and rebuild my life as best as I could taking really slow steps for myself. It comes to the point of self preservation and being with yourself and okay outside of the role of being a mom. That was really hard and I never pictured not being a mom even though I worked and had a life outside of being a parent. Take care of you Scott and God bless and even if you don’t believe in any higher power I wish you the best.

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 457 other followers

%d bloggers like this: