Twenty Techniques to Become a Target Parent: Wrong if You Try; Wrong if You Don’t Try
File for a divorce.
Follow through on a divorce.
Leave an abusive spouse / partner (verbal abuse is normally considered a form of abuse).
Attempt to remain civil (your ex will display contempt).
Do not speak negatively about your ex-spouse within an ear shot of your child (your ex-spouse will denigrate you, directly to your child, and utilize your child as a confidant).
Kindly ask your ex-spouse to stop speaking negatively about you and extended family. Explain that children should feel free to love both parents (if you’re lucky, and your ex-spouse understands emotional abuse, he, or she will stop and you will not become an alienated parent).
Kindly ask again, attempt to explain that your child is in distress. (Your child cries and reports that “they told mom /dad that it makes them sad to hear bad things about mom/dad” but the parent continues to speak negatively).
Find assistance (with due diligence you can find someone well-versed in the nuances of parental alienation; if you are unlucky, you may be told your child’s behavior is a phase. Or, you may be informed that your situation is nothing more than a theory).
Follow court orders / parenting plans (your ex-spouse will violate the orders).
Enforce the orders (out of necessity as your ex-spouse believes that he or she is above the law.
Enforce the orders again (beware your case may be deemed “high-conflict”).
Enforce the orders yet again (save your money too; your ex-spouse may have plans to flee the state or country—yes, some follow through).
Ignore the aforementioned. (It is not good to be in and out of court enforcing orders that should be followed at the onset).
Remain calm. Should you display anxiety over your child’s emotional abuse, you will not appear “put together” in comparison to your ex-spouse (an axiom: he who cares the least, controls the most; your ex-spouse will stay cool, calm and collected. Yes, they have power over you and your child. they control a vital relationship— a parent-child bond. They know too, that they can get away with such cruelty as parental alienation is not taken as seriously as it should).
Attempt to be a parent and not a friend (your ex-spouse will be your child’s friend).
Ignore the aforementioned (if you engage in normal parental duties, such as enforcing homework and chores; it will backfire. Your child may run away to your ex-spouses home, make false allegations, trash your property, key your car, or with the coaching of mom/dad engage in another court battle to alter custody).
Attempt to be a friend and not a parent (your children will love this new role! Your ex-will continue to be a friend. Consequently, your children will have two friends, not two parents Some children may become spoiled brats with a spirit of entitlement, but it may keep you from a permanent cutoff).
Discard the aforementioned (your rationally realize that relinquishing your parental duties to sustain a relationship is not healthy for you, nor your child).
Accept that you will be treated with disdain for being a parent and simply human—one that makes mistakes within normal limits (your ex-spouse will be exalted to an angelic status).
Realize that not only will your children reject you, spite you, and claim to hate you; others will chime in too. Neighbors, friends, and extended family that do not understand unhealthy parent child alignments and irrational alienation will question and quiz you. In some cases, if you decide to obtain help, you may be blamed all over again. Our society teaches that it, “always” takes two to tango. (once again, you may become defensive in trying to explain such irrational hatred. Consequently, your ex-spouse appears sane while you come across as a neurotic mess) certainly, it often takes two. However, “ In other cases, though, attributing a parent-child problem to both parents, when one parent is clearly more responsible for destructive behavior, is a misguided effort to appear balanced and avoid blame. Unfortunately, this sometimes results in blaming the victim, and leads to inadequate remedies that prolong rather than relieve a child’s suffering” Dr. Richard Warshak, 2011
Letting Go: When Alienated Parents Give Up
When a parent endures parental alienation, various emotions materialize. Some are angry and others feel helpless. On the other hand, a number of rejected parents evolve into dedicated empowered advocates, but just as many are depleted both physically and financially. Some parents may ask, when do I let go? Clearly, alienated parents (also known as rejected parents) are grieving parents. In 2002 Dr. Richard Gardner wrote, “For some alienated parents the continuous heartache is similar to living death.” Sadly, for many rejected parents, the sorrow never ends.
Most are familiar with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grieving. First is Denial. Denial is not recognizing reality. As noted by Dr. Gardner (2002), denying reality is obviously a maladaptive way of dealing with a situation. In fact, denial is generally considered to be one of the defense mechanisms, mechanisms that are inappropriate, maladaptive, and pathological. Obviously, it is hard to deny that one is a rejected parent. However, at times, it may seem easier to deny that the situation is not real. To deal with the unreal, some parents may resign. Studies indicate that some rejected parents, similar to survivors of domestic violence, become passive. (Kopetski, 1998).
Anger is another stage of the grieving process. However, underlying anger is hurt and a loss of power and a loss of control over a situation or an event. Unquestionably, alienated parents become angry as their cases are dismissed and their cause is mocked. Third, is bargaining. As an example, a bargaining parent may believe if they try hard enough, or say the right thing, his or her child will suddenly have a change of heart. Fourth is depression. Self-blame, hopelessness, and despair consumes their thoughts. The fifth stage, is acceptance. Clearly, rejected parents do not happily accept their plight, but they may be forced to give up “the fight.” That is, some may cho0se to loosely let go.
It is vital though, to consider what letting go signifies. Letting go is not to cut oneself off, it’s the realization that one person can’t control another. As applied to parental alienation, one cannot force an ex-spouse to cease his or her hate campaign. Secondly, letting go is not to deny, but to accept. Acceptance is realizing that some ex-spouses refuse to co-parent. Some alienating parents intend to turn the child against the other parent–permantely. They stop at nothing. One study depicts this unfortunate, but true, reality, “a minority of parents who suffer from personality and mental disorders may ignore the court and spend their waking hours finding ways to exhaust the other parent emotionally and financially” ( Jaffe et al. 2010). Yes; you may realize that you, or a loved one, are in the minority.
Parents may also have to accept that they may be blamed for the rejection– blamed not only by family and friends, but blamed by society. No one likes to point fingers these days, after all; it is socially unacceptable. As noted by Dr. Richard Warshak (2011), attributing a parent-child problem to both parents, when one parent is clearly more responsible for destructive behavior, is a misguided effort to appear balanced and avoid blame.
When to let go? First and foremost; it is personal. Dr. Warshak’s book, Divorce Poison (2010), notes that the parent may see no viable option other than to let go of active attempts to overcome the problem. As a caveat, he notes, “I just urge all alienated parents and relatives, and all therapists who work with these families, not to wave the white flag of surrender too soon.” He offers seven suggestions about the possibility of letting go. One suggestion is when all legal channels to improve the situation have been exhausted.
Some parents, unfortunately, have discovered the aforementioned exhaustion. As Dr. Amy Baker reported, “alienating parents did not respect the court orders, the attorneys were not interested in or able to force the alienating parent into compliance. Apparently, once the alienating parent determined that this was the case, noncompliance became the order of the day.” Rejected parents know all too well, that non compliance works. A second suggestion by Dr. Warshak is when, “your ex is so disturbed that a continuing battle could provoke him or her to violent action against the children or against you or other members of your family.” Clearly, not all rejected parents have the funding to continue the battle.
As a conclusion, should you come into contact with a rejected parent it may be helpful to offer grace for his or her grief. Each and every rejected parent differs in his or her stage of sorrow. They will also display unique feelings. Some may feel discouraged, dejected, and depressed. Or, others may feel angry and outraged. If the parent recently read about parental alienation, and discovered there is a name to the irrational rejection; they may feel relieved. Perhaps, they are baffled, broken, and bewildered. If they have pleaded with the courts for 15 years, they may feel helpless and guarded. When their families blame them, they may become withdrawn and detached. Regardless of the stage or feeling(s) that accompany the pain of parental alienation, rejected parents require empathy, exultation, and esteem.
You Might Be An Alienated Parent If… (by Monika)
You might be an alienated parent if your seven-year old reports, “ I know the law; just wait till I am of age; I will tell the judge where I want to live. We are asking for full custody.”
You might be an alienated parent if your child removes household items such as DVDs, electronics, etc. Then, when confronting the child, he / she reports “I feel sorry for dad (or mom) they live alone and cannot make ends meet.” “We pawned the items (mom/dad) get over it.”
You might be an alienated parent if your five-year old reports they no longer have to obey your rules because “dad ( or mom) says so.” And “we think your rules are dumb.”
You might be a distressed and an alienated parent if your ex-partner refuses to co-parent and constantly belittles you to your child.
You might be a distressed and an alienated parent if your child complains about the meals you cook. But they don’t stop at complaining. Instead, they trash dinner. They call the other parent and report that “there is no decent food in the home.”
You might be a distressed and an alienated parent if you kindly ask your ex-spouse to please cease badmouthing. You point out that constant badmouthing is not in the child’s best interest. But, you discover they refuse to stop.
You might be a distressed and an alienated parent if your ex-spouse and his (or her) family do not understand the concept of boundaries. They share adult matters with adolescents and actually seek your adolescents advice. This is evidenced by your adolescent reporting, “yeah dad (or mom) and I have a good time; we talked about the reason his third girlfriend moved out.” And, “geez, mom (or dad) I sure feel so very sorry for her (or him).” And, as a consequence, your child is in constant distress. You understand this, but your ex-spouse and family do not; they have the same mentality as your adolescent. You wonder if insurance companies are the only ones that catch on, as full brain development does not stop at age 16. Insurance rates drop about age 25.
You might be a distressed and an alienated parent if you tell your eight year old they cannot watch the exorcist movie, rated R. Your eight year old informs you, “fine, I will watch the movie with (dad or mom) they will let me”…and the parent actually will.
You might be a distressed and an alienated parent if your eight-year old child develops nightmares after watching movies. You explain to your child that they should not watch such movies while at the other parent’s home. The child insists that “they are more mature than you understand.” Being the good co-parent you are, you call up your ex-spouse and discuss (or your try to discuss) that it is not a good idea to let the child view R rated movies. You are told, “ I am with them, what’s the harm; you are too strict.” Besides, “it’s my home when the child is with me.” And… you are not going to tell me how to raise my (son or daughter).
You might be a distressed and an alienated parent if you report these events but are informed, “ emotional abuse is hard to prove.” The next question, “is your child physically abused?” No you reply. Well, says the helper, “go read a good parenting book.” That day you read an advocacy group’s stance that your issue–the emotional abuse of your child, is not a “real” problem because children would not reject a parent without a good reason. Coercive control only works with grown adults, not susceptible children, right?
You might be distressed, disgruntled, and an alienated parent if you attempt to seek help for your child. Some say parental alienation is not a “real problem” that it is nothing more than a “normal reaction to a divorce.” Your advice is to “ take the high-road, most children will outgrow alienation.”
You might be a distressed, disgruntled, and an alienated parent if you end back up in court to enforce orders that are not followed. Your co-parent refuses to adhere to any parenting plan or other mandates—he or she is above the law. They refuse to return the children on time or assist with paying for school lunches. You are informed, “you just need to get along with your co-parent.” You try to explain that you have bent over backwards in trying to work with your ex-spouse. You may start to think that they have “Heard one case, so they have heard them all.”
You might be a distressed, disgruntled, down-trodden and an alienated parent if the experience of parental alienation has occurred for over 15 years. In fact, it went on for so long, one or more of your children no longer will speak with you. You scratch your head wondering if the brand new car (dad or mom) said they could have if they tore up your property and moved in with them, had anything to do with your child’s change of heart.
You might be a distressed, disgruntled, down-trodden and an alienated parent if you attempt to explain the situation but others scratch their head, suspiciously question you, and reply “well… some kids are resilient to badmouthing and brainwashing—wonder why your child is not?”
You might be a distressed, disgruntled, down-trodden and an alienated parent if you did the best you could. No you were not perfect. But, you were at least an average parent. You know your day-to-day routine would be okay if you were still married. But once the campaign of denigration started, you had to become almost a perfect parent. You grew a little weary.
Bereavement Without End– A Plea From Alienated Parents Everywhere by Tim Line
The death of a child is indisputably one of the most incredibly horrible tragedies one can imagine. Whether by sudden accidental circumstance, or by a more lengthy cause as in illness, the loss of a child is undeniably painful to experience.Painful to the parents, parents to the family, and painful to anyone related to the child. Never knowing the laughter of that child again or the tears, the joys and the accomplishments is a pain no parent should ever have to endure, and yet it happens. No one is to blame. It just happens.
Imagine the same pain and the same sense of loss, with one exception-the parent is very much aware that the child is alive.
The effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome are very similar to the loss of a child due to accident or illness. For the parent who has been alienated from their child, the bereavement does not end. How do we know? Each alienated parent separately, and all of us collectively have lived with both the cause and the effect of Parental Alienation for countless years. Like a terminally fatal childhood disease, Parental Alienation rips the innocent child from your arms slowly. You witness the suffering. You witness the effects. You can feel the impending doom is inevitable, but you are powerless to do anything about it. You try remedy after remedy hoping that one will finally rid your child of the “disease”. You work like a person possessed in order to finance the efforts, and when the final blow comes, it is emotionally devastating. You question yourself. You blame yourself for the loss. You tell yourself you should have done more.
The very sad part of the story, is it is not unique. There are hundreds of thousands of children and parents affected by PAS. We beg of those with the power to make people aware of this devastatingly horrible phenomena, to please do all they can to educate people on its effects, and to change the laws to protect the innocence of the children involved. Only then can we truly hope to keep children safe from the harmful side effects that are inherent with Parental Alienation itself. It’s killing the spirit of family everywhere.
Parental alienation & Drama
Recently, the phenomenon of Parental alienation aired on the Dr. Phil show. “It’s been called the ultimate form of child abuse –parents brainwashing their children against an ex-spouse in order to win custody. Could you be harming your child emotionally and not even know it? For 12 years, Chrissy and her ex-husband, Dennis, have been embroiled in a nasty custody battle for their two children. Dennis says that Chrissy badmouths him and his new wife, Gina, to their children and even took out a protective order against him, while Chrissy feels that her ex is an extreme disciplinarian who is teaching their kids to be pathological liars. Areva Martin, attorney and women’s advocate, examines Chrissy’s legal position, while Lisa Bloom, CBS legal analyst, weighs in on Dennis’ side. Will the parents reach a truce for the sake of their kids, or will they continue to battle it out in court? Plus, Dr. Phil speaks to former guest Bridget Marks, who made headlines when she had to hand over her twin daughters to their biological father after a court ruled that she falsely accused him of molestation. “
Parental Alienation is an insidious form of emotional abuse. It has been unrecognized too long. It has also been suggested , that it is nothing more than a diversionary ploy. Media distortions and certain groups cannot grasp that parental alienation is a real crisis. Stating one believes this is a genuine form of emotional abuse, does not suggest that issues of domestic violence and sexual abuse should be taken lightly. Screening tools and well-trained psychologists with extensive experience can rule out physical and sexual abuse before considering parental alienation. Polarization is neither necessary nor helpful. Nonetheless the importance of this phenomenon are emotionally bruised children.
My heart broke watching the show. I cannot begin to imagine how the children feel. Children placed in the middle of hostile exchanges will not adjust well to their parents divorce. Should this situation between the parents not resolve, the children’s emotional well-being will deteriorate. However, while this case is disheartening; it does not represent the horrific outcome of many other alienated children and their families. I would like the think the issue can be resolved. However, it is time for a reality check. Many cases of parental alienation continue for 10 years or more post-divorce. Surprisingly, the parents may never exchange hostile words again, once the divorce is finalized. Instead, one parent decides to use the child as a pawn, friend, and sounding board.
First off, the show depicted two couples in hostile disagreement. Also, the number of court appearances was striking. As a caveat, not all cases of parental alienation consist of disputing couples or multiple court appearances. This is a view popularized by television and some celebrity divorces. Some families do not have the funding. Other families, that do have the money, realize that court is adversarial and orders are not upheld, such as visitation etc. (see Dr. Baker’s study, Even When You Win You Lose, 2010 and Baker & Darnall, 2006). Consequently, some alienated parents give up on getting help and they take what many call “the high road.” Taking the high road translates to becoming the better person. The high road also entails significant consequences– the demise of a parent’s child.
If taking the high-road, as this show portrayed, is to stay out of court (as multiple court battles are frowned upon) then one parent, in some cases will continue to defy court orders. They will not adhere to drop off times, visitation, shared parenting etc. This too is supported by countless studies. One parent may not cease denigrating the other, within an ear shot of a child. Constant denigration leads to enormous stress in the child. Parental Alienation is not always about two-sided strife. It is about the brainwashing of a child.
Sure, many ridicule this notion.They claim “brainwashing” is absurd. However, pause for a moment and think of a child’s suggestibility (view the Sam Stone Study). Given that adults enter cults or join extremist groups, it is comprehensible that a child may become susceptible. Some children can no longer tolerate the emotional tug of war and may side with one parent, ultimately severing all ties. In turn, the child comes to believe and live a lie. They are taught to hate a parent for irrational reasons. The outcome: estrangement. The issue with this line of thinking, is that it goes against our taught reasoning: if a child hates a parent, the parent had to do something wrong.
Lastly, no one is exempt from this occurring in his or her family. There are psychologists, counselors, attorneys, social workers and other professionals that are alienated and estranged from their children. I might add, many which have extensive training in parenting classes, parenting education and conflict resolution. If one decides to divorce and the other parent cannot come to terms, no one should be so arrogant to think that their ex-spouse would not result to revenge by using the children to regain power and control. Many children are suffering from parental alienation. And, some parents want help for their children. It is simplistic and single-minded to think “if both parents would just get along.” Idealistic, sure; Realistic, no. We all know there are people out there that simply do not care and they will not change. Helping children, not forcing parents to change (the ones that do not desire to change) is the only viable option.
Okay, I will choose to live at your house. I am old enough to decide and the judge should do what I WANT. I am articulate and an honor student. If he knows what is best for me, he will agree with you and me. Cognitively I do not realize it now, but I can not mentally continue to support the wall that you and my stepmother have helped me build against my mom any longer, for it is weighing me down, creating a heavy heart. The conflict that I create while with my mom is a learned behavior; a way of life for me for such a long time, I cannot stop. I’ve been a dedicated game player, haven’t I? You do realize that I have taken on building up a case against my mom for you and my stepmother, as a full time job, don’t you? I try to wear her down so that she wants to give up and throw in the towel but for some reason she keeps on forgiving me. She says that no one is perfect and we all need to forgive and be forgiven. I would never forgive her! Once I even called the police on her, but the officer saw right through me and told me to grow up and have respect. I am glad he is not the judge!
Yes, living full time with you will be a better choice because I will not have to be on my guard all of the time making sure I show NO loyalty to HER. It is stressful trying to prevent myself from having enjoyable times with her. Although she does so much for me and with me, I can’t feel good about that. I was embarrassed when she handed you my 16th birthday party pictures, for I looked happy. I tried to sabotage the party that very day, but it went on as planned. I saw the disappointed look on your face as you looked at them, I was having fun, and I am sorry. I will never let that happen again. All my happy times are with you and stepmom only, promise!
Rarely do I show appreciation or gratitude for all that she does for me but she continues to try to stay connected and give me boundaries amidst all the hatred I show her. Hey, wait, why should I appreciate her so called generosity anyway, you tell me all about the child support money you give her, even though she agreed to reduce it in half. All material things I get from her are actually from you anyway! Even though I have been faced with the truth, I refuse to see it. She always says, “The truth is the truth.” I am sick of hearing that! I am so entrenched with what you have said about her that I believe you, stepmom and your family. I even believe those family members who have never met her, like my stepmother’s mom and dad. Leaving her will alleviate my pain. If you part with someone in a hateful state of mind, it does not hurt so much. I can do that. She doesn’t care anyway, you have told me that over and over.
I feel special that I have been privy to so much information. You let me listen in on when you call her to “let her have it”, such as the time you threatened to have her arrested when she was working as a teacher and would have been 10 minutes late dropping me off. I told her she deserved to be arrested. She just went in her room and cried. Big deal! Even my grandma agreed that she should have been arrested for that! Or the time I had a fight with her and you called to threaten her with court. Way to go! And I felt so empowered when you took me to the court house for the child support meeting. Why did you tell me say “hi” to her in the lobby? You tell me to care about her, but the actions do not match. I’m confused, but….. That’s ok. I trust you.
What kid in their right mind would want to live with someone who does not take their side all of the time? That is what a parent is supposed to do if they love their child. Whatever I do, you and stepmom always stick up for me and blame any bad behavior on her and the influence she has on my life.
The material things are great too! I told my friends about the car you bought for me. When she asked about it, I denied it. I will live with you, attend whatever college you want me to, and then get the car you promised, right? As far as insurance is concerned, she had said I would need to get a part time job, at least for the summer, to help pay for it. No way! I do not need money and I will not get a job. You and stepmom will take care of anything I need. And it is okay with me that you have not allowed a lot of my belongings in her house. I heard stepmom tell a former friend of yours that my mom was “dirty,” anyhow, and I second the motion.
I can’t talk to her about anything. Sometimes I talk to my stepfather. Last night I cried to him about wanting to come and live with you and about the hell she has put me through since I was a little girl. I told him that she even wrote my dad a letter saying that kids in my situation often turn to sex and drugs. What does she think I am? I have enough evidence on her to blow any judge away.
And speak about not taking care of me, I wanted a certain kind of cereal and there was none. So thanks to you and stepmother for bringing some to the soccer game with the other groceries you gave me to put in her car. I hope that shook her up as well as you and stepmother bringing my boyfriend to the game so I could see him against her will. She had grounded me because she said I lied about something but you showed her! She wanted an apology for the lie. Yeah, right!
Last week I agreed that she could take me for senior pictures but after she left a message on your machine with a question for me about locations, you all the sudden told me that you made an appointment. When I got in the car she told me that I could have told you that she and I already planned to get them taken. Well, I told her off! I said she does not pay for a f— thing anyway, that you pay for everything .Her response was that that was not true. I continued to swear at her and she told me to get out of her car. I did and got her phone and began calling stepmom. She got out and tried to get her phone back and we fell on the road. She then called the police. But you told her off! She said that I have to be accountable and responsible and you told her that SHE needs to be accountable and responsible. A few weeks later you had court papers served, I wrote a nasty letter, and like magic, more time with you and stepmom!
I like how a week before the custody mediation stepmom ran her body into her and started yelling that my mom hit her. Way to stage it! I told my mom that it was her own fault anyway; lies are worth so much more at your house! You, step mother, grandma and step mother’s family told me when I was seven I could choose to live with you full time at age 12. Why does being with those who have my best interest at heart take so long? If it does not happen soon, I will continue to remain distant from her as I have done since I was seven while looking forward to a wonderful future with you and stepmother. You have taught me what parenting and right relationships are all about haven’t you?
Your Darling Daughter
Methods of Emotional Manipulation: Understanding Parental Alienation using Behaviorism: Pigeonholed: by Monika L. Logan
This article is not intended for advice or any form of therapy
Parental alienation is an insidious plan. The plan is not necessarily well-thought out. An un-happy ex-spouse does not jot down verbal snares for future use. On the contrary, the plan is primal. The plan is one that feeds and fills a wounded adult. Sorry to say but the plan works.
Psychology terms may benefit when it come to understanding Parental Alienation (PA). The first term is positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement works. Parents use positive reinforcement to increase the frequency of desired behaviors. The reinforcement may be gifts, stickers, recognition, or accolades. In cases of PA, the manipulative parent may buy the child a toy each time the kid reports happenings during the other parent’s visitation time. The kid will learn to report the events of the other parent’s life. A manipulative parent will use this as part of his or her plan. So, when asked, does (dad or mom) say bad things? The child’s answer is no.
The second term is known as negative reinforcement. This method works by compliance and exhaustion. Let’s say a kid calls the non-custodial parent every night before bed. However, the parent feels threatened and rants about 30 minutes before the call is made. The out of control parent cannot tolerate frustration. Consequently, they resort to a nightly ritual of yelling, screaming and the use of derogatory terms .The parent may additionally threaten the kid. Obviously the kid would like to avoid the aversive conditions. One can conclude that the kid will stop calling. In this case, the kid desires the parent to cease child-like tantrums.
The third is partial reinforcement. If positive reinforcement is consistent, the behavior and subsequent rewards will remain. On the contrary, partial reinforcement is unpredictable. This may be maddening for parents that demand loyalty. It is akin to a drug user needing a fix. Let’s say a parent bought a new video game every time the child reported (mom or dads) new dating status. But wait, the child is getting older. The kid has a new set of friends and moved into adolescence. At times the kid will report events and other times they will not. The parent cannot predict if they get to know the happenings of his or her ex-spouses life. Out of desperation and the requirement for an emotional fix, the parent behaves in a compulsive manner. The parent wants to get back on track with a steady stream of reports from parental spying. The parent craves consistency.
Next is punishment the difference is in the timing. In negative reinforcement dad (or mom) starts yelling before the kid leaves for the weekend or vacation. Punishment can manifest in many forms. The worst may sound something like this, “if you go visit on Wednesday night, then we are moving five states away.” Punishment is a consequence of a behavior that the favored parent refuses to tolerate. In PA the word behavior should be replaced with love. That is, the favored parent cannot have the kid loving the other parent. Consequently, the kid will become fearful and may refuse to go. They reason, at their young age, that it is better to refuse visitation than to move five states away. Fear itself becomes reinforcing.
Last but not least: traumatic learning. In this case the kid will adopt a response style of fear and avoidance. There are many methods the parent may employ. Regardless of the means, it is enough to scare the kid for life. It may alienate the child or lead to a severed relationship. As just one example, the kid that arrives home happy from a weekend at dads may not be met with a pleasant smile. Instead, the child may come home to a parent screaming what a sorry no good nothing of a parent the child’s father has been. Worse yet, the parent rant, raves, and sobs. They will not stop; the parent goes on ranting about adult matters, such as affairs, and personal faults. The outcome is an alienated child. Parental Alienation is frequently associated with a plan. While the plan may not always have a lot of forethought, it provides covert gains. The gains are a quick fix to deep-rooted issues, pigeonholing kids into a life without one parent.
Parental Alienation & Cyber Rejection: I Cannot Click I Like You. Favored Parent Frowns.
Dear ( Mom or Dad)
There is something I want to say, but not sure how. I probably will never mail this letter to you; it is awkward. See, I love you. I really do. But it is like you just gave up. Did you? I do not want to hurt you, but if I list you as a parent on my face book or my space page, well, it feels like betrayal. It is not like the other parent outright gets mad. It is just like they don’t seem happy. You know, a shifty mood. If I delete you off my friend list, or refuse to comment to your responses, they treat me better by allowing me stay out really late—sometimes all night!! And well, if you are like you used to be, you will get mad but sometimes they treat me just like an adult! I get to do everything they do! Sorry, I am just telling you like it is.
Anyhow, It is really weird cause’ they seem happy if I make comments to all Dad’s side of the family. I think they are jealous that I might love you. Sometimes I think they want me to actually hate you, but I am not sure because it is not like they would come right out and say that—that is just creepy. It kind of reminds me of those bullies in junior high. They all get together and tell me what to do. I feel pulled in a thousand different directions. It is not like they have said, “do not love your mom” it is more or less goes like this: If I say something positive about you or talk about what we did together, they roll their eyes. Sometimes, it is just tacky comments, like “oh your mom thinks she is better than us” and if I ask them to please stop (like I did when I was little) they won’t stop. I guess it worked better when I was little, cause of the crying. They never stop.
I am so confused. Now, that I am older, they just talk about you in another room. Loudly too—making sure I can hear. I am dying inside! I wish you could do something!! This has gone on for a long time. Now, it seems unnatural to show affection for you. I can only love you through private e-mail. They disapprove of you. What did you do? I mean, the way they used to talk about you, and at times, still do… I cannot help but wonder. It is burned into my memory, one in particular, “Your mom has changed” Geez, how did you used to be? I thought change was possible? I thought people could grow and change—you know better themselves. I think I was about seven when they said that. Please do not become upset when I post comments on their pages and ignore you (that is why I private message you). I remember reading something in school about cults. Mom, it is similar to that. They do some good things for me and help raise me. But they do not want me to be close to you. I feel suffocated. It is not acceptable to openly love you.
Dealing with Parental Alienation is tough. As noted by author of Divorce Poison, Dr. Richard Warshak, alienated parents have to develop a thick skin. There is not an easy answer. What works for one situation, will not work for another. Yet, keep in mind that other disorders also lack clear-cut answers. A few contributing factors are: personality, temperament and affinity. Still, there are shared commonalities; age counts. So does time. Time is vital . The longer a parent hiked on the high-road, the harder the terrain will be. Exhaustion may arrive–a little too early. Passivity may have replaced healthy activism. While we have not quite resolved the entire issue of PA, silence does not work. Silence (aka the high road) leads to dead ends, long dry spells, and boulders that will knock nearly all parents down—even those with the best preparation & territorial gear.
If you are a rejected parent and have contact with your alienated teenager, you probably discovered that reasoning and logic does not work. One tactic that may prove beneficial is your teens’ friends. They may possibly offset the programmed black & white thinking. Get ready. Open up your home. Grab junk food, turn up the latest hip-hop tunes and rent a couple of movies. Love others. While your own kid may dismiss you, other kids will not. In no doubt, your teen might manifest alienated behaviors such as, in your face defiance, destroying property, or running up your water bill just for fun; there is nothing like an outsider thinking you are an okay parent.
An un-brainwashed teen frequently detests both their parent’s odd mannerisms. On the other hand, an alienated teen, views one parent as fault- free and the other as appalling. The so-called all bad parent did not have to do anything to deserve their low life status. Similarly, the favored parent did not have to do anything to earn their angelic standing. The truth is, their glorified status was achieved through shoddy tactics such as buying the teen unnecessary items while simultaneously shucking responsibility. The ex-spouse, may also have frequent pity parties making the teen feel guilty. Or, perhaps, allows the teen to blow off parental rules, values and exploit boundaries.
Rejected parents are painfully aware that PA looks hopeless but it is not. God is bigger than parental alienation. Not long ago, a rejected mother shared what could be called a shock factor. The alienated mother is not perfect. She is average. The mother loves her teen and goes about day to day performing normal parental duties. The difference is, parenting an alienated teen is triple the pressure compared to non-alienated teens. She, like many others, lives with a spy . She also resides with a teen that disrespects her beyond the level of typical teens. One day, like many others, her teen demanded an after school meal, in his normal demeaning tone. Yet this time, the teen had a friend visiting. The mother, astonished, shared a needed assertion. The teen’s friend remarked, “I wish my mom was like yours.” The alienated mother noted that the look on her teens face was priceless. She later noted, she overheard the friend say, “Your mom is nice; you should not be so disrespectful.” And, “is she really as bad as you say?” A seed was planted.
Without a doubt this mother was pleasantly surprised. Slowly, this mother’s teen left the house for school and actually said have a nice day, vs. slamming the door. Household items were no longer given to the ex spouse. The teen talked a little more, participated in family time, and even said thank you a time or two. Definitely the teen was still somewhat blinded by the favored parent, but a seed was planted. The rejected parent cannot force an ex-spouse that is clearly capable of responsibility, to grow up. The rejected parent cannot rid their ex-spouses tote bag of entitlement, but it will have less impact. This story demonstrates how typical teen behaviors, such as loud music and asking for extended curfews may evolve.
Some alienated parents use the aid of family. If the family understands alienation and does not undermine efforts, change is possible. Unfortunately, certain families follow common societal mentality. They mistakenly think if a child rejects a parent, the parent must be at fault. They believe if a teen acts nervous around a rejected parent, the parent must have done something to warrant the anxiety. The family member may, make the situation worse due to a lack of insight. They fail to realize that if a favored parent has brainwashed a teen (starting at a young age, with the help of extended family) the teen will come to believe mom should be shunned. Accordingly, a fear response will follow. An outsider, another teenager, offers random uncensored comments at unexpected times. Possibly, your teen may be shocked into thinking that maybe, just maybe, both parents are not perfect. And, given enough uncensored and un- planned comments, the teen may start to question the disrespect they dish out and the lie that one-sided family loyalty is necessary. Children should feel free to love both parents without the burden of guilt or feelings of betrayal.
This article is not intended for any form of advice or therapy.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference
God I cannot stop manipulative behavior from an ex-spouse. Neither I nor the courts cannot make my ex-spouse, in the privacy of (his or her) own home, stop the chronic denigration. I cannot control the years of emotional abuse my children have endured. I cannot control the distorted black and white thinking my children (or adult children) now have. God they see me as all bad and the other parent as fault free. I only seek balance. I cannot force my kid(s) to stop telling me they hate me, or what a bad (mom or dad) I am. I am only human. And God, while I know they have been taught to reject me–the words still hurt. It is painful to hear you are only being used for your money–that you are not loved.
God I am hurt for the life my children could have had. God please give me peace. I try not to worry about their futures, but I do. God please allow for wisdom; open my ex-spouses eyes. Thinking (he or she) is above the law, by outright defiance of all court orders, does not set a good example for the kids. God please allow my ex-spouse to see that placing the kids in the middle only hurts them. God please give my kids peace; it is okay to love both parents. God please allow insight; my ex-spouse will not stop telling the kids information that is beyond (his or her) years to hear. Some things about a parent, teens should not know.
God please allow my adult child to see that mocking a parent is not your will. God please allow for justice. There are times when custody has been placed in the wrong hands. Please give judges the wisdom to know the difference. Please God allow Parental Alienation to be recognized as a serious form of emotional abuse. God it is not good for society when kids defy laws, defy parents and reject extended family–for no good reason. Please God clear the minds of those that do not understand Parental Alienation and allow them to see that it is emotional abuse; it is not to be viewed as a diversionary tactic.
God please provide wisdom to those in positions to help children and families.