Home > Parents > Parental Alienation: What Would I Think, How Would I Act? The Alienated Child by Cindy L. Corsi

Parental Alienation: What Would I Think, How Would I Act? The Alienated Child by Cindy L. Corsi

Parental Alienation

 What Would I Think, How Would I Act?

The Alienated Child

By Cindy L. Corsi

 

Parents abuse their children emotionally by working to prevent or break the bond the child has with the other parent. In today’s society, both fathers and mothers are the perpetrators. Sometimes both parents manipulate the child, but often it is only one trying to pull the child onto their side while the other parent is left trying to hang on to the relationship. When children are subjected to this type of abuse early on, they lose their childhood. They become reporters, spies and alienators themselves. Entitlement and dangerous empowerment are weaved into their character. The ill-minded behavior of the twisted parent (and others associated with) manipulates the child to join their intense campaign against the other parent. The stress this puts on the child is immense. They begin to suppress feelings for the parent they are being torn from (target parent) resulting in them joining the campaign. Many parents have lost their children forever as a result. This is not the result of a fight or conflict between the parent and the child; it is a result of brainwashing!   Because of the pressures associated with alienation, it has been reported that some children have committed murder and suicide.  

Put yourself in the shoes of this alienated child who has been denied to feel and accept the love of her mother and to be able to give her love. Please read it all.

If I were this child and saw my stepmother had crossed off my mom’s name from my kindergarten folder what would I think…

If I was a small child at the age of three and my father was walking me up my driveway to mommy’s house saying “Just two more days here then you are back with us,” what would I think?

If I was a four years old and heard my father blame my mommy because I caught a cold at preschool, what would I think?

 If I was this child who was put in the bathtub right after I was picked up from my mommy’s house, what would I think?

If I was this child that was told I could not bring my belongings to my mommy’s house because they would get dirty or ruined, what would I think?

If I was this child and heard my step mother tell a friend of the family that my mommy was dirty, what would I think?

If I was this child and was told that child support money should be spent on whatever I wanted, what would I think, how would I act?

If I was told to call my daddy and step mom while at my mommy’s house in the wintertime to ask them how I should dress to go outside and play, what would I think?

If I was in first grade and my daddy, step mom, and extended family told me at the age of 12 I can choose to live with them, what would I think?  How would I act?

If I was this child and my daddy told me that if my mommy did not have me at the meeting place on time she would be arrested by the police, what would I think, how would I act?

If I was this child being mouthy to my mom and she squeezed me behind my neck, I told my dad and I heard my dad tell her that if she ever touched me again he would have me arrested, what would I think, how would I act?

 If I was this small child and my mommy asked a neighborhood mom to watch me for a couple hours while taking a college class and my step mother told me she did not trust my mommy because she got a babysitter “all of the time,” what would I think, how would I act?

If I was this child and  my daddy told me that my mommy did not attend my school play, did not care about me, even though when I asked mommy about it, she said she was there and even knew what I was wearing that night, what would I think, how would I act?

If I was this child who learned that complaining about my mommy pleased my daddy, step mom and their family and they all joined in with me, even rewarded me, what would I think, how would I act?

If my mommy and I had a special beauty day in the form of hair cuts, then my daddy and step mom told me my bangs were crooked, what would I think,  how would I act?

If I was this child excited to show my father a Halloween costume my mommy made and he commented, “There is glue on the wing,” then bought me a different costume to wear, what would I think?

If I was a child and my father told me to call my mommy after a school function and lie to her about something the principal never said, what would I think, how would I act?

If I was this child and went to the store to pick out a new book bag with my mom, then went to my dad’s and they took me to buy another one, what would I think; how would I act?

If I was this child and my daddy and family bought me a new bedroom set, a TV, a phone, game boy, clothes, a mini bike and more for Christmas, what would I think, how would I act?

If I was this child and my daddy and step mom sent food and drinks with me to my mommy’s house, what would I think?

If I was a child and told my father that I went to a different church and he told me it was not a church, what would I think, how would I act? (even though he had never been brought up in faith as a child)

If I went to the dentist with my mommy and was the best little patient, getting my first tooth pulled but then my father and step mom took me to another dentist and told me that the dentist mom took me to did not know what he was doing, what would I think, how would I act?

If I was this child and my mom called my dad’s house to see how I was feeling and my step mom answered the phone and in a very angry voice said, “Your mother’s on the phone,” what would I think, how would I act?

 If I was a teen told to cut the grass with mom’s supervisions and right before I did it my dad called and said my foot was going to get cut off, what would I think, how would I act?

If I was a teen asked to find out my mom’s income tax information right before a support hearing, and I did, what would I think, how would I act?

If I was this young teen and my dad took me to the court house for a child support meeting, what would I think, how would I act?

If I was this teen and was told that my mom made me change schools even though the conciliator made the decision after examining the facts, what would I think, how would I act?

If I was a child, when with my father, ignored my mom (at stores, soccer games,) but then when at her house had friends over, bonfires, etc… , how would this affect me, what would I think?

If I was a teen and got in trouble at school and my dad supported my harassing behavior toward another teen girl by taking my side and joining in on the name calling, what would I think,  how would I act?

If I was a teen mouthing off and swearing and my step mom told my father not to scold me because she said, “that is how she was raised,” what would I think, how would I act?

If I was a teen and every time I did not get my way I complained about my mom and I then was allowed to hear him cal her and yell at her,  what would I think, how would I act?

If I complained to my father and stepmom that there was not the right kind of cereal at HER house and they brought me a bag of groceries for her house, what would I think?

If I was this teen and witnessed the stepmother back her body into my mom then accuse my mom of hitting her, what would I think, how would I act?

If I was driving age and about to enter college and in order to have my car I had to live at my dad’s house, how would I act?

If I was this child, no doubt I would put in my mind to mistrust, even hate my mom because my dad and step mom and their family must know what they are talking about, for they love me. I would eventually succeed at pulling away from my mom because I know that some day I will not have a relationship with her for I have been told that I will be able to choose not to and the courts feel I am old enough to run away from what I have been brainwashed not to like.  I would build walls to protect me from the hurt when this happens and I would remain loyal to the ones who give me everything and remain in my court no matter what I do or say. .

 

If I was this child I would create conflict with my mom so she would want to give up and let me go live where I am suppose to live. I would set the stage as often as I could and even go as far as bump into her and then call the police to say she hit me to prove that she is no good like they say. For I would help them prove it.

 

If I was this child I would tell my mom” you deserve to be arrested,” after knowing my dad called to threaten her. Why not feel this way; it is exactly how my dad’s mom feels about her, my paternal grandmother.  

 

If I was this child, when my mom picked me up for her time with me I would not sit in the front with her, nor would I walk beside her if I saw my dad and stepmother in public.

 

If I was this child, I would demand material items from her because my dad gives her money. I have even been to the court house and even though the time I was there my mom cut the support in half, I still think she is nasty.  I would have an un-grateful heart for the things she buys because none of it is from her anyway. I would continue to receive but never give, including special occasions. It is all about what I get. The universe revolves around me at my dad’s house and always will.

 

If I was this child, I would not allow my mom to hug me and I would never tell her I love her again. Loving her would mean I am disloyal to my dad and stepmother. I would also not share anything fun or special that happens at my mom’s because that is not what I have been trained to do or say.  

 

If I was this child, I would not try not to touch things at my mom’s house, I would put toilet paper on the seat, wipes my hands if I accidentally touched her and not sleep on the sheets that are on the bed that once belonged to her.

 

If I was this child I would not receive calls from my mom at my dad’s in a welcome manner. I would be snide and nasty, and say, “What do you want and why are you calling here, you are wasting my time!” then understand that she does not care because she does not call while I am at my dad’s very often. And when I call her I will not refer to her as “mom.”  

 

If I was this child, I would block out any joyful, happy memories from the past and prevent any in the present, for that would be a violation. I would limit extra information to her, including school, getting my period, friends, dances and more.

 

If I was this child, I would resent my mom for making me change schools, because my dad and family told me it was her fault. I would have a hard time truly enjoying my school experience because deep down I would be holding onto resentment that has been planted there.

 

If I was this child it would be to my benefit to keep feeding my dad and step mom what they want to hear. It would become natural to me to do this because of their feedback, similar to Pavlov’s dog experiments.

 

If I was this child I would often deny that my mom is my mom. I would not acknowledge Mother’s Day, her birthday, Christmas or any other day that offers a chance to care. I would take from her and her family but never give in return.

 

If I was this child the message that she does not provide for me would come in loud and clear.

 

If I was this child, I would begin to hate the rest of my mom’s  family, even my older brother and my grandmother who took care of me and loved me all throughout my life. For when I have mentioned them in the past, my paternal family knows that they are also no good.  Pushing them away in a hateful manner will only make the separation easier in the future. No real loss for me.

 

If I was this child I would feel empowered but then feel confused. The confusion could lead to drugs or promiscuity, obsessive behaviors or even violence. I would not understand why I felt so much conflict inside.  I would spend a large portion of my life depressed.

 

If I was this child, I would hang onto hate and un-forgiveness, for that is what I have been taught through words and actions by people who are suppose to love and guide me in the right direction.

 

If I was this child, their antics would in fact work on me but it would cost me a lot because it would be based on emotional abuse and until I sought help to understand why people that are suppose to love me acted this way, and until they admitted they were wrong, I will struggle with relationships with myself and others.

 

If I was this child, even though I witnessed my stepmother trying to set my mother up, I would find a way to blame my mom for the incident, for my truth is truth.

Parental Alienation is un-like physical abuse because it is pre-meditated. The motive is to sever a relationship(s). Parents who emotionally abuse their children in this way often talk themselves into believing that they are acting in the best interest of the child. They convince themselves, the child, and even the courts that the other parent is incompetent or even dangerous.

Parental alienation is child abuse. Parents who continually brainwash their children need help. It is an addiction that scars a child for a lifetime. When judges, mediators are uneducated in the damaging effects of PAS on a child, and condone alienating behavior, they become part of the child abuse. They have the power to help but……..

The only solution as I see it is, like any addiction, the alienating parent  must get the proper help, admit he or she was wrong,  then openly confess to their child their destructive motives and behavior.   Then and only then will the child have a chance to heal.” _______ Cindy L. Corsi

 

Books:

“Divorce Poison” by Dr. Richard Warshak

“Adult Children of Alienation Syndrome,” by Dr. Amy Baker

“A Kidnapped Mind,” by  Pamela Richardson

Web Sites :

 http://www.parental-alienation-awareness.com/awarness-letters.asp

hugstoheartbreak.com    helpstoppas.com

Other  People  to Search:

Dr. Michael Bone           Dr. Amy Baker         Dr. Richard Warshak

Advertisements
Categories: Parents
  1. Julian Brachfeld
    May 19, 2010 at 8:18 PM

    While you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that both fathers and mothers are guilty of alienation, why is it that all that questions from the shoes of the child point to only fathers and step mothers doing the alienating ?
    I found that extremely prejudiced.

  2. May 19, 2010 at 9:52 PM

    Julian,

    Yes, mothers and fathers can contibute to alienation. This writing is one mothers true story. In this particular case the alienating actions, words and behaviors are by the stepmother and father. It is the child that suffers. Another parent’s story could be an alienated father. This mother’s situation is not prejudiced; it is a mother’s heartbreak.

  3. May 21, 2010 at 4:17 PM

    In our book, A Family’s Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation, we say in the Introduction that if you change all our male references to female references, and vice versa, the alienating behavior and responses would apply equally to both Moms and Dads.

    According to the emails and phone calls we get in respoonse to the book and articles, neither Moms or Dads have cornered the market on the unhealthy emotional issues that lead one parent to alienate a child from the other parent. Both Moms and Dads are the alienating parent and targeted parent in equal numbers.

    Sincerely,

    mike jeffries
    Author, A Family’s Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation

  4. lori
    July 22, 2010 at 9:10 PM

    This is exactly what my family is experiencing right now. My kids step mother wants my kids for her own since she cant have any. My current husband and I have been accused of all kinds of abuse and other terrible things that are simply not true. They started in on them at least 2 years ago. I have noticed behavior problems in both children over this time. They even got the kids to talk to a judge and get an ex parte order. I NEVER thought the courts would do this without hearing all 3 sides. Once the ex parte is entered it seems that it is next to impossible to get it made right. So much of what was in that is things that I know about first hand. I just wish our judges knew this and realize what a danger it is for this to happen.

  5. Amie Elliott
    August 23, 2010 at 3:03 AM

    I am so broken. EVERYTHING U SAID hit home. I am NOT the typical ex wife w anger built up. I love my ex as my kids dad and respect him 2 an extent. We were married 11 yrs and he found a grl friend got her preg and now she is his wife and my kids stepmom. I was hurt and upset at first and actd a fool and ended up getting in trouble w the law THAT WAS 3 yrs ago. I had no att when we divorcd and trustd him so we decided he could be the primary w joint custody. and 4 two yrs it was fine. My kids spent equal time w both of us. Then me and his wife got into it and he stoppd my visitation andWOW did the lies start. From the school 2 my family The stepmom managed 2convince them i was on drugs and did not want my kids and that i was stalking her. Then they startd telling the kids the same. That i was a liar and did not show up or want them. 4 a yr he got away w this till FINALLY i got a att and THE JUDGE provd it all malicious and orderd him to give me my court orded visitation. but the alienation is worse now

  6. October 12, 2010 at 12:45 AM

    http://alecbaldwinisnotalone.blogspot.com/

    Anyone who can do this to there own child is SICK and needs help!

    • October 16, 2010 at 5:10 AM

      Gary, I am not sure I can find a better word. Alienating parents are self-absorbed. They need help but it is futile. To change one has to want to change. It is heartbreaking to lose a child because of revenge. Alienating parents do not care that the child no longer has a relationship with a parent (or in some cases it is a really poor relationship). If the alienating parent has badmouthed the other parent from a very young age (i.g. age 4) then years later, the adult child claims the thoughts are his or her own. What is worse, is it is not so much the rejected parents pain, but to watch a child go down hill. They do not have a balanced view in life, but see one parent as the hero and the other as weak and pathetic. This is even more disturbing when it was a case of domestic violence (the kind that some groups dismiss–domestic violence without obvious bruises)and one parent had to find a lot of courage to leave. It is an ambiguous loss. I agree with Gardner–it is worse than death because there is not closure.

      • October 16, 2010 at 1:02 PM

        Thank you for you comment.She has actually been ordered to get help by the courts 3 years ago.She ignores the order and I still have no contact with my daughter.I guess my frustration is with the court system as well.Its all about the $$ I’m sure I don’t have to tell you.Thanks again..Gary

  7. December 6, 2010 at 2:23 AM

    I found this post from my daughter Athena last year.This is the kind of things my daughter is going through.It shows how insensitive her mother is!!

    Athena’s Anxiety

    Postby SomethingInTheWayx3 on Thu Jul 10, 2008 3:52 am
    Today was just not good. It’s like, I think I’m getting better and then all of a sudden, it comes back. I keep seeing those bumps in my throat [even though no one else sees them] and my throat has felt tight all day [except for the hour or so that I was with my friends]. I’m really scared that I have throat cancer. My docter’s appointment isn’t until next week but I’m scared to wait that long. There’s an emergency center where you don’t need an appointment, but my mom won’t take me there. Says she doesn’t have time. I think she’s being really insensitive and kind of selfish. Even now my throat feels tight..well, I don’t know that tight’s the best word for it, but I can’t think of another. My chest feels tight too. My mom says I’m too young to have throat cancer. Especially because I don’t do anything that would cause it. I told her that a couple months ago I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes in one night, but evidently even that wouldn’t cause it. I don’t know though…My throat is definatly my main concern right now. I never go out to eat anymore. I’m too scared to. Even just eating dinner with my family scares me. Sometimes when I’m alone I can eat fine, but others…I’ve gone days without eating because I’m scared that I won’t be able to swallow. Like that girl from Poltergeist. I’m scared I have whatever she died from too. Although I’m not really even sure what that was…
    dl;asdjlkfajd I’m just so sick of feeling like this.

  8. Jean
    July 11, 2011 at 7:38 PM

    I agree that is can be from both sides but being a stepmother to childrent that the alienator is their mother, this article seems to be one sided. I think not only does the public need to be aware of PAS with a biological parent but also PAS towards a step parent. I am a step mother to 2 childrent that live with my husband and I. I met them when they where 1 and 3 years old. We had a great loving relationship until the courts had an emergancy change of custody from the mother to the father. The mother tried to turn the kids against their father during the custody battle until the children told their mom to stop. She then decided to put all her efforts into alienating me, the step mom. Well it has worked, after 6 solid years of lies and defamation of character, I left. PAS is a horrible thing. I am a victim as a stepparent and I was also a victim as a child(my mom alienated us from my dad as often as she could) Please continue to get the word out but do it with out being so one sided.

  9. July 12, 2011 at 11:23 PM

    Hi Jean: You brought up an excellent point; one that is not mentioned often in the literature, or in books. This particular article, is one of the many articles about parental alienation, and I agree; it has a common perspective. The cruel treatment towards step parents should have more attention, You are correct and I think most forget about good-loving step parents. Dr. Richard Warshak has an article titled, Re-Marriage as a trigger of Parental Alienation. In many cases, when one of the parent’s re-marry, the other not so happy parent, starts his / her campaign of denigration. Because the parent cannot handle the jealousy, usually the one that did not want the divorce in the first place (as studies indicate-see Kelly) , aims the hate campaign at the step parent. Too many articles portray step parents as the bad guy (or woman) so to speak.Clearly, there are wonderful step parents dealing with “taught hatred.” The media does not help as step parents are not depicted as parents. It can indeed destroy second marriages because the kids are taught to disrespect the stepparent. Thank you for your thoughts.

  10. Brandy
    November 2, 2011 at 4:09 PM

    My husband and I are victims of this. His daughter is nearly 16, and it’s getting worse every day. It’s so bad that the maternal grandmother is calling me and telling me the horrible stuff that’s being said-and she told me only because she knows it isn’t true. How do we handle this? We see her building a brick wall and thinking of us as the enemy more each day. We never talk about her mother in front of her, and rarely do anything to give a negative vibe at all. We try our best to just be ourselves, and pretend that external force isn’t pushing into our home, but her mother turns our personality traits into vindictive actions. We are literally defending our personalities at this point. What do I do? We don’t want to lose her.

  11. November 3, 2011 at 2:41 AM

    It is exhausting when you have to spend time defending yourself and it will not work when the child’s mind is closed and brainwashed. It also does not work to remain silent and say nothing (as far too many parents found out the hard way–silence, is not always golden). If you have not, please get a copy of Dr. Richard Warshak’s Book, Divorce Poison. Years ago, on my own accord, I read every parenting book on how to deal with parental alienation. What I found, is that all the books assume 1. that both parties have the best interest of the child in mind 2. that court orders will be followed 3.. that no one is vindictive 4. and that you have not tried to “get along with an ex-spouse 5. most also ignore that there are many good stepparents that become targets too, especially when the ex-spouse did not want the divorce. Dr. Warshak’s book is the only one that address proper responses, to the child or adolescent, when the other parent (ex-spouse) refuses to work on amicable terms. His web site is http://www.warshak.com

  12. Cindy
    April 19, 2012 at 11:01 PM

    These posts are correct, parental alienation is not gender specific. The main premise is to allow the child to enjoy their childhood and be able to be loved and love both parents. Sadly, so many mothers and fathers use their children as tools of revenge and professionals often look the other way, or align with the alienating parents who are experts at manipulation and brainwashing. Children in these situations need empowered in a healthy way by people willing to intervene, and guess what? They do not have to pick one or the other parent’s side. People willing to intervene just need to provide the children with information about what should happen if parents separate and encourage children to think critically. Judges can play a huge part in the healthy empowerment of children by bringing them before the bench with both parents present, then reading all the custody rules. Seeds are planted there that can help protect the children from being aligned with one parent and rejecting their other parent. School counselors can introduce prevention intervention programs to all students ( since the divorce rate continues to grow). One such program is Dr. Amy Baker’s “I Don’t Want to Choose,” and Dr. Richard Warshak’s “Welcome Back Pluto” DVD. Do what you can to help prevent parental alienation as well as help other heal who have already been impacted.

  13. Irma
    February 21, 2016 at 2:49 AM

    While the post really hits home, its conclusion is at best naive. If for resolution to occur, one has to expect the alienating parent to come clean, in most cases it will never happen, as the alienation is a conscious plan to destroy the other parent through the child, and no feelings come into play for anybody. It implies that the alienator has feelings of humanity, and I’m sorry to say that many narcissistic parents do not. The only solution is to avoid contact.The solution is NOT in the hands of the abuser.

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s