Through the Eyes of an Alienated Child: A Childhood Lost
Okay, I will choose to live at your house. I am old enough to decide and the judge should do what I WANT. I am articulate and an honor student. If he knows what is best for me, he will agree with you and me. Cognitively I do not realize it now, but I can not mentally continue to support the wall that you and my stepmother have helped me build against my mom any longer, for it is weighing me down, creating a heavy heart. The conflict that I create while with my mom is a learned behavior; a way of life for me for such a long time, I cannot stop. I’ve been a dedicated game player, haven’t I? You do realize that I have taken on building up a case against my mom for you and my stepmother, as a full time job, don’t you? I try to wear her down so that she wants to give up and throw in the towel but for some reason she keeps on forgiving me. She says that no one is perfect and we all need to forgive and be forgiven. I would never forgive her! Once I even called the police on her, but the officer saw right through me and told me to grow up and have respect. I am glad he is not the judge!
Yes, living full time with you will be a better choice because I will not have to be on my guard all of the time making sure I show NO loyalty to HER. It is stressful trying to prevent myself from having enjoyable times with her. Although she does so much for me and with me, I can’t feel good about that. I was embarrassed when she handed you my 16th birthday party pictures, for I looked happy. I tried to sabotage the party that very day, but it went on as planned. I saw the disappointed look on your face as you looked at them, I was having fun, and I am sorry. I will never let that happen again. All my happy times are with you and stepmom only, promise!
Rarely do I show appreciation or gratitude for all that she does for me but she continues to try to stay connected and give me boundaries amidst all the hatred I show her. Hey, wait, why should I appreciate her so called generosity anyway, you tell me all about the child support money you give her, even though she agreed to reduce it in half. All material things I get from her are actually from you anyway! Even though I have been faced with the truth, I refuse to see it. She always says, “The truth is the truth.” I am sick of hearing that! I am so entrenched with what you have said about her that I believe you, stepmom and your family. I even believe those family members who have never met her, like my stepmother’s mom and dad. Leaving her will alleviate my pain. If you part with someone in a hateful state of mind, it does not hurt so much. I can do that. She doesn’t care anyway, you have told me that over and over.
I feel special that I have been privy to so much information. You let me listen in on when you call her to “let her have it”, such as the time you threatened to have her arrested when she was working as a teacher and would have been 10 minutes late dropping me off. I told her she deserved to be arrested. She just went in her room and cried. Big deal! Even my grandma agreed that she should have been arrested for that! Or the time I had a fight with her and you called to threaten her with court. Way to go! And I felt so empowered when you took me to the court house for the child support meeting. Why did you tell me say “hi” to her in the lobby? You tell me to care about her, but the actions do not match. I’m confused, but….. That’s ok. I trust you.
What kid in their right mind would want to live with someone who does not take their side all of the time? That is what a parent is supposed to do if they love their child. Whatever I do, you and stepmom always stick up for me and blame any bad behavior on her and the influence she has on my life.
The material things are great too! I told my friends about the car you bought for me. When she asked about it, I denied it. I will live with you, attend whatever college you want me to, and then get the car you promised, right? As far as insurance is concerned, she had said I would need to get a part time job, at least for the summer, to help pay for it. No way! I do not need money and I will not get a job. You and stepmom will take care of anything I need. And it is okay with me that you have not allowed a lot of my belongings in her house. I heard stepmom tell a former friend of yours that my mom was “dirty,” anyhow, and I second the motion.
I can’t talk to her about anything. Sometimes I talk to my stepfather. Last night I cried to him about wanting to come and live with you and about the hell she has put me through since I was a little girl. I told him that she even wrote my dad a letter saying that kids in my situation often turn to sex and drugs. What does she think I am? I have enough evidence on her to blow any judge away.
And speak about not taking care of me, I wanted a certain kind of cereal and there was none. So thanks to you and stepmother for bringing some to the soccer game with the other groceries you gave me to put in her car. I hope that shook her up as well as you and stepmother bringing my boyfriend to the game so I could see him against her will. She had grounded me because she said I lied about something but you showed her! She wanted an apology for the lie. Yeah, right!
Last week I agreed that she could take me for senior pictures but after she left a message on your machine with a question for me about locations, you all the sudden told me that you made an appointment. When I got in the car she told me that I could have told you that she and I already planned to get them taken. Well, I told her off! I said she does not pay for a f— thing anyway, that you pay for everything .Her response was that that was not true. I continued to swear at her and she told me to get out of her car. I did and got her phone and began calling stepmom. She got out and tried to get her phone back and we fell on the road. She then called the police. But you told her off! She said that I have to be accountable and responsible and you told her that SHE needs to be accountable and responsible. A few weeks later you had court papers served, I wrote a nasty letter, and like magic, more time with you and stepmom!
I like how a week before the custody mediation stepmom ran her body into her and started yelling that my mom hit her. Way to stage it! I told my mom that it was her own fault anyway; lies are worth so much more at your house! You, step mother, grandma and step mother’s family told me when I was seven I could choose to live with you full time at age 12. Why does being with those who have my best interest at heart take so long? If it does not happen soon, I will continue to remain distant from her as I have done since I was seven while looking forward to a wonderful future with you and stepmother. You have taught me what parenting and right relationships are all about haven’t you?
Your Darling Daughter