Home > Parents > Through the Eyes of an Alienated Child: A Childhood Lost

Through the Eyes of an Alienated Child: A Childhood Lost

 Author: Mom who stands by truth. C. Smith

 Dear Dad,

Okay, I will choose to live at your house. I am old enough to decide and the judge should do what I WANT. I am articulate and an honor student. If he knows what is best for me, he will agree with you and me. Cognitively I do not realize it now, but I can not mentally continue to support the wall that you and my stepmother have helped me build against my mom any longer, for it is weighing me down, creating a heavy heart. The conflict that I create while with my mom is a learned behavior; a way of life for me for such a long time, I cannot stop. I’ve been a dedicated game player, haven’t I? You do realize that I have taken on building up a case against my mom for you and my stepmother, as a full time job, don’t you? I try to wear her down so that she wants to give up and throw in the towel but for some reason she keeps on forgiving me. She says that no one is perfect and we all need to forgive and be forgiven. I would never forgive her! Once I even called the police on her, but the officer saw right through me and told me to grow up and have respect. I am glad he is not the judge!

Yes, living full time with you will be a better choice because I will not have to be on my guard all of the time making sure I show NO loyalty to HER. It is stressful trying to prevent myself from having enjoyable times with her. Although she does so much for me and with me, I can’t feel good about that. I was embarrassed when she handed you my 16th birthday party pictures, for I looked happy. I tried to sabotage the party that very day, but it went on as planned. I saw the disappointed look on your face as you looked at them, I was having fun, and I am sorry. I will never let that happen again. All my happy times are with you and stepmom only, promise!

Rarely do I show appreciation or gratitude for all that she does for me but she continues to try to stay connected and give me boundaries amidst all the hatred I show her. Hey, wait, why should I appreciate her so called generosity anyway, you tell me all about the child support money you give her, even though she agreed to reduce it in half. All material things I get from her are actually from you anyway!  Even though I have been faced with the truth, I refuse to see it. She always says, “The truth is the truth.” I am sick of hearing that! I am so entrenched with what you have said about her that I believe you, stepmom and your family. I even believe those family members who have never met her, like my stepmother’s mom and dad. Leaving her will alleviate my pain. If you part with someone in a hateful state of mind, it does not hurt so much. I can do that. She doesn’t care anyway, you have told me that over and over.

I feel special that I have been privy to so much information. You let me listen in on when you call her to “let her have it”, such as the time you threatened to have her arrested when she was working as a teacher and would have been 10 minutes late dropping me off. I told her she deserved to be arrested. She just went in her room and cried. Big deal! Even my grandma agreed that she should have been arrested for that! Or the time I had a fight with her and you called to threaten her with court. Way to go! And I felt so empowered when you took me to the court house for the child support meeting. Why did you tell me say “hi” to her in the lobby? You tell me to care about her, but the actions do not match. I’m confused, but….. That’s ok. I trust you.
What kid in their right mind would want to live with someone who does not take their side all of the time? That is what a parent is supposed to do if they love their child. Whatever I do, you and stepmom always stick up for me and blame any bad behavior on her and the influence she has on my life.
The material things are great too! I told my friends about the car you bought for me. When she asked about it, I denied it. I will live with you, attend whatever college you want me to, and then get the car you promised, right? As far as insurance is concerned, she had said I would need to get a part time job, at least for the summer, to help pay for it. No way! I do not need money and I will not get a job. You and stepmom will take care of anything I need. And it is okay with me that you have not allowed a lot of my belongings in her house. I heard stepmom tell a former friend of yours that my mom was “dirty,” anyhow, and I second the motion.

I can’t talk to her about anything. Sometimes I talk to my stepfather. Last night I cried to him about wanting to come and live with you and about the hell she has put me through since I was a little girl. I told him that she even wrote my dad a letter saying that kids in my situation often turn to sex and drugs. What does she think I am? I have enough evidence on her to blow any judge away.
And speak about not taking care of me, I wanted a certain kind of cereal and there was none. So thanks to you and stepmother for bringing some to the soccer game with the other groceries you gave me to put in her car. I hope that shook her up as well as you and stepmother bringing my boyfriend to the game so I could see him against her will. She had grounded me because she said I lied about something but you showed her! She wanted an apology for the lie. Yeah, right!

Last week I agreed that she could take me for senior pictures but after she left a message on your machine with a question for me about locations, you all the sudden told me that you made an appointment. When I got in the car she told me that I could have told you that she and I already planned to get them taken. Well, I told her off! I said she does not pay for a f— thing anyway, that you pay for everything .Her response was that that was not true. I continued to swear at her and she told me to get out of her car. I did and got her phone and began calling stepmom. She got out and tried to get her phone back and we fell on the road. She then called the police. But you told her off! She said that I have to be accountable and responsible and you told her that SHE needs to be accountable and responsible. A few weeks later you had court papers served, I wrote a nasty letter, and like magic, more time with you and stepmom!

I like how a week before the custody mediation stepmom ran her body into her and started yelling that my mom hit her. Way to stage it! I told my mom that it was her own fault anyway; lies are worth so much more at your house! You, step mother, grandma and step mother’s family told me when I was seven I could choose to live with you full time at age 12. Why does being with those who have my best interest at heart take so long? If it does not happen soon, I will continue to remain distant from her as I have done since I was seven while looking forward to a wonderful future with you and stepmother. You have taught me what parenting and right relationships are all about haven’t you?


Your Darling Daughter

Categories: Parents
  1. Brenda
    September 27, 2010 at 4:48 PM

    I came across this page over the weekend, and was stunned because it could have been my daughter that wrote this letter. I wish there was a way to connect children who have been through this and have gained understanding with those that are going through it and do not have understanding. Maybe healing could happen more quickly and while you can’t gain back lost years, maybe you could prevent losing any more.

  2. September 27, 2010 at 5:16 PM

    Brenda, thank you. A lot of parents enduring the pain of parental alienation, report the same thing…”this could have been my daughter, my son.” There are so many stories that I am also stunned. I am in awe at the lack of credibility this issue is given, considering the similarites that parents and other family members post or write about. Not only on this blog, but many others. It is a real problem with real hurt. You are right; one cannot get back lost years. I hope while this issue is still in debate that more years are not lost for other parents and children.

  3. Kendra Curtis
    October 4, 2010 at 9:47 PM

    OMG! I am bawling. I have not cried in so long. I just read about this PAS thing last night and am thankful to God that it is real. My daughter has rejected me completely and I thought that I did something wrong. This letter could be written by her, or how I imagine she would write if she had any inkling of the manipulation being wrought on her life.

    My question is: Now that I know what it is, what do I do with it? Do I try to make contact with her, or do I just grieve my loss and let it go? She turns 17 this month and lives 15 hours away.

    Thank you so much for the education, no matter how painful.

    • klmac
      October 28, 2010 at 5:19 PM

      same……I thought I was alone.
      Not only agonizing, it is also shameful that a child would turn her back on her mother!!
      My daughter lives 15 minutes a way, but might as well be 15 hours!!

    • Catarina
      December 24, 2013 at 7:34 PM

      Dear Kendre! I cry everyday and I am sure you do toooo…My daughter was taken from my home on 24 May 2012, by my ex. Since then and before he has brainwashed her built up a wall of hatred towards me. My ex, has a woman that supports his evil manipulation towards my daughter. He wants to totally replace me as a mom for my daughter and son, who is 18. My ex robbed his mind also. I am heart broken and I feel so alone in all this. I wrote a journal for over a year and a half and you can clearly see the symptoms of alienation tha he did everytime he was with them. My ex and his rich and evil woman even manipulated the Judge and paid off my first lawyer. Then he had my daughter , 12 at the time , write a letter to the judge for me to move out from my house . A house that we built 26 years ago. I dont have any other family here, but nobody cared. I was thrown out of my house. I was a stay at home mom that did everything for my kids and family, then he took everything from me. We agreed to have joint custody, but I am not allowed to see my kids according to “HIM”, who took the law in his own hands. They, Court, say “The kids should be worked out first”..”In the best interest of the children”..BS to that, they came last and they are forgotten by the court. As long as they get there money , they go on to the next case. I begged the judge to order a therapist to deprogram my daughter…and to be with me and her at the same timeHe said ” over my dead body”…The judge aggreed with me but did not really force the issue, but finally he put it in the papers. My ex had to agree…I then arranged with a therapist near the area and that cater to our community. My ex never showed up with her, but got his own “therepist”, a friend of his mistress….Wow..conflict of interest. I don know what to do anymore, I text my som every day, but rarely get an answer from him. My ex changed my daughters Cell nmbr and has total control over her….I know in my heart that she miss me and she must be so sad…..She just turned 14 and I miss her so much. He doesnt know how much he is hurting my kids
      Thank you Nina

  4. October 4, 2010 at 11:46 PM

    Hi Kendra, this page is not for therapy or advice. I created the blog because many years ago, I was told it was “just a theory.” As you know, this is not a made up phenomenon. You are right: You did not have to do anything wrong. I cannot give advice, but I have a resource page that you may review. Check out the following: Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard Warshak and Dr. Amy Baker Breaking the Ties that Bind. There are many more that I have listed under resources. There are also support groups, in person and on-line. Some parents have started their own support groups. Never give up. You are not alone.

  5. Kendra Curtis
    October 5, 2010 at 2:25 AM

    Thank you so much for the response, and the information on the resources. I will definitely check them out.

  6. Heather
    October 9, 2010 at 2:35 PM

    I too am a targeted Mother and this post cut to my core. I have been seeking guidance during this difficult time in my life. Yes, this too could have been written by my daughter….WOW! The range of emotions I have felt through the past 5 months are difficult and confusing. Although, after finding sites such as this one, I have started to muddle through the past 10 yrs and see things so much clearer. I hope all of you find some kind some comfort during your journey and pray our children will somehow be rescued from this sick and controlling game played by such vindictive poeple.

  7. klmac
    October 28, 2010 at 5:14 PM

    WOW!! I am THAT mother!!!
    Yes, it is agonizing.
    My daughter now has NO contact, and I believe she calls her fathers girlfriend `mom`. She has been living with her dad for 6 months, and to this day, I have no idea what I have done to deserve this.
    Thanks so much for sharing….I hope things are back on track with your mom!!!

  8. steve buchanan
    December 12, 2010 at 2:40 PM

    My poor baby! How she must be suffering!

    • IAN F
      December 30, 2010 at 9:55 PM

      Cannot believe the above is identical in every way to my experiences as a father.Both girls(9&11)say they don’t want to see me anymore.Simply because limited access was working first two months and wife decided to press home the aliention key.Its worked.I’m to get a letter to say never want to see u again Daddy.Yet we got on great b4 kids went into hiding for 3months and came out of it different.I think my eight day access per month is over and the courts can do nothing for me in terms of their lost connection with me. Unreal World

  9. sapphire
    March 5, 2011 at 12:33 AM

    hi there im from new zealand and i am going through pas at the moment my 8 yo son has been turned against me by a lady that took him from me when he was a baby (by the way its not because i couldnt look after him just because she thought i needed a brake and she never gave him back)im looking for help in new zealand or any where that can help my

  10. May 9, 2011 at 3:12 AM

    Anonymous says: “I am that mother too. It has been nearly 5 years. My son also lives 10 or 15 minutes away. He will turn 18 soon. And believe this, his father, the Alienator is a licensed therapist, and Mr. Perfect in everyone’s eyes. NO ONE KNOWS my story. My son hates me too, called me a whore, a bitch, screaming at me f—ing this and that, while Mr. Christian Counselor stood on smiling, arms folded, shaking his head yes, like “good boy.” It only got worse when my ex remarried a former co-worker who pretended to be my friend. An alcoholic, narc issitic, evil woman who smiles like “Ha Ha” when I run into her. I bet he calls her mom too. She comes from a very wealthy family too. Dad and I disagreed that when he was 12, he should be allowed to single date a 13 or 14 year girl who’s parents were “swingers” and left the two of them alone in a big camper. I found pictures of my son when he was 12 or 13 naked, with an erect penis, ejaculating on himself that he emailed to this girl. I call his couselor dad and tell him. He looks at the pictures, erases them, never tells the girls parents(I eventually did) and CONTINUES TO DROP HIM OFF AT HER HOUSE. In refused to take him over there again. Shortly thereafter, I came home one day and found my son climbing a ladder into my house, and taking all his stuff out, while his dad is in the driveway waiting for him. He left then, and never returned. I had rules, his dad didn’t. They lied against me together on numerous occasions to the counselor ordered by the court. I looked like a fool. I looked like I was the one who needed help. By then I had discovered through “Divorce Poison” what this was aLL about, and that there was actually a NAME for it. By then it was too late. My son has abandoned my whole family as well as myself, although he was much closer to my family and me before the divorce. He was a fantastic kid- loving, kind-sweet. We were so close. Everyone thinks I’m this monster mom. My ex, even according to my son lies all the time, and his wife is also a pathological liar. They hav e ruined my reputation in this town, and have turned my son in to a lying, stealing pot smoking spoiled, extrememly cruel and manipulative person. I still pray daily, and text him occasionally, with no response. I even told him about parental alienation, and explained that this is what has happened and why he hates me so much and cannot tell me why. He ignores me. I wish I could print the letter from Darling Daughter out to send to him. It is us. I still have nightmares about it all on a regular basis. It will be Mother’s Day in 2 Days. The hardest day of the year. No court should permit a 14 year old child to decide who he’s going to live with!!! Do they think they are going to pick the parent who has “Rules” or no “RULES? Do they think they’ll pick a parent who gives them a curfew, or no curfew? Do they think they’ll pick the parent who’s just a teacher, or the one who’s married into a millionaire family? I am just SICK, SICK, SICK. So very, very brokenhearted. Do you hear me, God? “

    • May 23, 2012 at 11:18 AM

      no father shud b kept away frm ther child, every farthes name shud b on the d/o/b and his surname shud b the childs surname, im in the middle ov a dispute at this very moment, and the law is very very rong against a willin father . . . Parental Alienation needs to be recognised by CAFCASS and the courts as child abuse !!!

  11. Anonymous Again
    May 12, 2011 at 4:46 PM

    All of you moms and dads out there suffering from the loss of your children, I am writing a letter to Dr. Phil and asking him to HELP OUR CHILDREN and do a show FOR OUR CHILDREN so they can begin to identify what has happened to THEM. Somebody has to HELP THEM! Won’t you please do the same? What else have we got to lose? If there are any ALIENATED CHILDREN OR ADULTS reading this, and you have issues or questions, or you are living with the nearly insurmountable grief, anger, and despair as a result of alienation from a parent, PLEASE WRITE TO DR. PHIL and tell your story. Go to drphil.com

    • Shannon
      December 30, 2011 at 6:00 PM

      there are lots of us out here! It could make years of shows…… Oh I hope he will!! I just keep praying that one day things will change… telling the story again… actually writing it down …. only allows the emotional pain to resurface causing horrible unrelenting depression/ obsession/ nightmares/ and sense of hopelessness. I’d be willing to tell the story … the whole story but I feel …… I am only emotionally strong enough now for one more time…. and it’s only going to be when I know… I’m not taking another shot in the dark!

  12. Darlene
    August 17, 2011 at 6:02 PM

    No words can discribe how I felt reading this or the post left from other parents. I too have lost my daughter, she will be a senior this year and has no contact with me, or any of her family members on my side or my husbands side of the family. She recently wrote a letter stating that “the only reason why they are contacting her is because I put them up to it!” Therefore changing her phone number, the last thing I had to send an occasionally text to her. Are there support groups that any of you belong too? Anything too help with all the pain? My prayers are that we find a way to reach out too these children and try and reconnect when they are away from the insane world with the parents who seem to think they are doing nothing wrong!

    • Shannon
      December 30, 2011 at 6:04 PM

      I too have the same situation and am lost as to how to change it…. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t- hopeless

      • December 30, 2011 at 7:42 PM

        Shannon: Thank you for your comment. There are several resources you may want to connect with. One is the Parental Alienation Awareness Organization. Jill Egizii has a great book called, The Look of Love. Dr. Warshak, an expert in parental alienation, offers extensive resources not to mention his bestselling book, Divorce Poison and a video, titled Pluto. Lastly, Dr. Kathleen Reay, offers an outstanding workbook for alienated parents. Her website is http://www.parentalalienationhelp.org.

        Best of luck to you!

  13. August 18, 2011 at 3:03 AM

    Darlene: There are support groups. The parental alienation awareness organization is a great place to start. There is also one called PAPA, not to mention the countless number of facebook pages. It is a good question: is there anything to help with the pain? Some parents have tried counseling–losing ones child is a loss. However, it is vital to find a counselor that understands parental alienation. Some parents have been told it is nothing more than a theory, or are offered some other less than helpful suggestions such as “have you tried talking with your ex-spouse” (as if one has not thought, tried and failed to work amicably with ones ex). Or, take your ex-spouse back to court (that too fails because not all attorneys or judges understand parental alienation) not to mention, that even if you did and could prove alienation, it does not mean your ex would follow a no bad mouthing clause. Consequently, many a parents have turned to advocacy. The parental alienation awareness organization has flyers that parents can provide to educators, counselors, judges etc. Other parents have started support groups. Some create blogs. If you have a faith, or a higher power, I would turn to this source. Pray for more eyes to open– not only to the pain of rejected parents, but for the mental anguish of our children.

  14. August 18, 2011 at 3:07 AM

    Child-Centered Divorce is a support network for parents that provides a free weekly newsletter, articles, coaching, advice and valuable resources designed to promote positive co-parenting before, during and after divorce.

    Colorado Parental Alienation Support provides support and advocacy opportunities for alienated parents.
    http://www.coloradopasupport.org (website pending).

    The Joshua Rose Foundation is a faith-based support network for non-custodial parents, alienated family members and survivors of parental alienation.

    Mothers Apart From Their Children (MATCH) supports mothers after their children have been abducted abroad or alienated from them after high conflict divorce.

    Parental Alienation Support and Resource Group is a Rochester, New York-based support group that meets monthly in various locations around Rochester.
    http://www.rochesterpas.com (website pending). Contact tiana.may18@yahoo.com.

    Parents Against Parental Alienation (PAPA) is an online Yahoo support group where alienated parents share support, suggestions and advocacy opportunities.

    PASParents is the Rachel Foundation’s free, online support group providing empathy and support for alienated parents.

    Southern California Parents of Alienated Children (PAC) is a support group of targeted parents who meet monthly in person, through Skype and by phone. Members share experiences, resources, information, support and hope. The group’s mission to to prepare members for healthy reunifications with their children.

    Learn all that you can. This site offers articles they may add to your understanding of the dynamics



    review Dr. Warshak and Dr. Amy Baker

  15. Anonymous
    January 4, 2012 at 5:49 PM

    I’m back after 8 months. My last post was in May 2011. Things have changed somewhat with my son. Things have changed alot for me. I did write to Dr. Phil- but never got a response. Has anyone had any luck with that? I know he did a show on PAS several years ago. I wish some of these kids who may be adults now, and can look back and realize what happened to them, and are struggling with all of it now would PLEASE come forward and talk to us! Tell us how you feel, what we as the hated parents should do, etc. And there should be a web site for them! I know my son has some idea of what has happened and why. He has many conflicting & confusing feelings, and the effects of my ex’s & his stepmother’s alienation tactics have had some detrimental effects on him already in his relationships with friends – girlfriends especially. And doesn’t that just make sense? If you hate and despise your mother,
    and your father grins and shakes his head “yes!” when your own son calls you every expletive in the book-screaming like a maniac…… carrying around that much rage inside, who else will feel the sting? Just like the research shows, future girlfriends, wives, children. And did you know these children who have suffered through this sick PAS “programming,” are very
    likely to become future alienators themselves? The effects of this phenomenon have lifelong and profound effects on their victims. It’s one thing to despise your ex, but taking it to this level
    for the sheer selfish purpose of revenge, is truly cruel and inhumane, especially to the children. I told you my ex was a therapist. I have emailed him long letters re: my concerns about PAS, effects on the children, some of my research on the subject…..no response. It seems it is MORE IMPORTANT to alienators to WIN the war against ex-spouse, than it is to ensure their own children’s psychological and emotional well-being. Even for a “professional??” who should know better. Some things I have learned over the months in how to best deal with my son: I e-mailed “Darling Daughter’s” letter to my son, and said “Please read this.” He was 18, and he’s quite smart, as is “darling daughter.” I saw many similarities between our situation and that one- it was so obvious. That this young lady at 16 could have such insight, and so cleverly confront her alienator that way made me think, “my son needs to
    read this!” He will not say anything, but he will get it deep down. I need to make HIM aware of
    what has happened to him, why he doesn’t understand it, why he has so much anger, and can
    not to this day tell me why. At 18, he was old enough to start to get it, despite his loyalty to
    dad. So if you have some way of contacting your children, and they are OLD enough, I think (I’m no expert) this is a good thing to do. If they’re old enough and cognitively mature enough,
    I think it’s going to ring a bell with them deep down inside. No- they aren’t going to tell you that it did. It won’t solve the problem, but they will NOT forget that whole scenerio in that
    letter, and may even begin to slowly identify with it. And maybe, as I suspect my son has, deep down, it will raise questions in their own minds, and now they will know there’s actually
    a NAME, a LABEL of sorts for what they have been through. Remember how enlightening
    and mind -boggling it was for all of US to find out about PAS and that we were not alone??
    I think it can be the same for these kids too! I did not make any comments about the similarities between that scenerio and our own. I let him try to to think it out for himself. And
    I am quite sure he is still thinking about it. We have had our ups and downs since, but I
    began to notice several recurring things: A. He would still send me hateful vile texts for no reason, and it was like walking on eggshells all the time. Everything and nothing would stir up fury in him. I was most successful when I did not react in kind. I merely had to say, “That is not what happened, and I’m sorry that you think that. I cannot talk to you if you continue to disrespect me. I am your mother, and I do not deserve this. If you want to talk to me or see me, you can’t treat me this way. I will not accept it. I love you very much, and always will. I am here for you if you need me. Please call me when you are ready to treat me with respect.
    You HAVE to stand up for yourself, but in a kind, firm manner. Be prepared not to hear from them for a while after this. Let time pass- a few months….if don’t hear from them, make a short contact just to let them know you were thinking of them and wondered how they were doing and that you miss them. DO NOT get over-emotional!! That was always the worst mistake I ever made. Show them thats you are strong and surviving, but let them know you
    think about them, love them and miss them. I’ve been sending my son -who lives 15 minutes away cards and xmas, Valentines, etc packages with things I know he likes, also with old
    pictures of him and I when he was younger that spoke for themselves as to what a great
    relationship we once had. I very rarely got a response at all. Sometimes I was so damn mad
    I swore I wouldn’t do it again, but I did anyway. This November he invited me and my
    husband to a game. He came over to our house, for a while, and really seemed to enjoy seeing the old family pets, & other familiar things. He was smiling, very respectful, & actually
    seemed to be enjoying himself. Step-mom and (her own mother,) and dad were at the game.We were on one side of the field and they were on the other. When the game was over, he came over to us first, joking, laughing, hugging lots! He stayed a while and I could
    see them over there getting aggravated and impatient. Yeah- that my own son was talking
    to me and hugging me. I said nothing about it ever. He said he’d call. Didn’t hear from him.
    Got a little emotional and finally texted him after a month-” you said you’d call. Haven’t heard from you, Don’t you ever miss me?” Which then began a string of the worst and longest degrading insults and expletives, & NEW accusations….. I mentally abused him
    for so long….. I, (yes, I alone) scarred him for life. So not true, and let me tell you, if you know in your heart of hearts that you did NOT do the things you are being accused of,
    then don’t you DARE allow ANYONE to make you believe that you did! Do NOT beat
    yourself up! At some point, you have to realize that in a nasty divorce, no one is perfect.
    Yes you probably said and did a few things you shouldn’t have. Everyone does! So apologize for what you KNOW you did do, and do NOT accept responsibility for the rest.
    That is what my response was to my son. And I added something else: “You know something? YOU are the abuser here. Never have I ever told you I hated you, cursed at you, called you names, and treated you the way you have treated me. You have a real nice Christmas.” And I sent my nice package anyway. That makes a statement. It says I love you anyway-you are wrong, and I stick by my guns, but I love you anyway. For the first time in over 5 years, I came home one night before Christmas, and there was a really
    nice Christmas present on my porch from my son! I have really kept my emotions in check for quite a while now, (and that is KEY) but I cried like a baby. We had nice texts, very respectful going back and forth, and now have plans for him to come over for dinner.
    SHOW your children that you are stable, healthy, “not crazy,” calm- that you are NOT the
    person the alienators portray you to be. And keep trying-baby steps. God bless all of you, and PRAY. I’m telling you, it really helps. Do not sit at home, depressed, crying, blaming
    yourself. It’s so unhealthy and will only make everything worse. Be strong. Exercise, take long walks-do your crying then, and some of your praying too, take good care of yourself.
    Forgive yourself. If you are so bad off emotionally like I once was, see a therapist- a
    woman if you are a mother. And make sure he or she has experience in and knows
    exactly what PAS is. That’s what I did, and it made a huge, huge difference. Know there
    will be times when you are so fricking mad, you will say to yourself, I GIVE UP! I love my child, but I don’t like him!!! Keep trying. I honestly believe that deep deep down, no matter what they say or do or don’t say or do, they really want us NOT to give up. That is a test of

    • KY mom
      August 1, 2014 at 4:26 PM

      I am so grateful for your posting. I can relate to beating myself up/hurt by the rejection, and often with me, I just don’t know how to respond to her criticism of things she says that I’ve said which I am certain are untrue but then I start to second guess myself!! It feels like such a downward spiral of confusion and self contempt. I am more frequently debating on allowing her to live with her darling daddy because she is so angry, critical, and unforgiving toward me when we are together. She takes things out of context and then spins it. My therapist says that if she doesn’t spend time with me, there will be no opportunity for her to see that I’m not the ogre that she thinks I am. Honestly, it has begun to feel like I can’t say or do anything to improve our relationship and she has rejected therapy. She is trying to erase me from her life except for permitting me to pay for her private school tuition, activities and interests. I WANT to do things with her and for her but it feels like I am rewarding her contemptuous treatment.
      I am going to read and re-read your post and pray for guidance.

      • Anonymous
        August 22, 2014 at 6:04 PM

        Hello from anonymous 3 years later….I received your email today- which is weird since it’s dated Aug 1. It came to me dated Aug 22-today. I wish I could report that everything is fine. I cannot. Although my son has been living with my new husband ( as of july 2010) for about a year, while our relationship is much improved, he is now ready to turn 21 in late September, and has a whole lot of serious issues. He has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder & has been on medication for months now. The rage has improved immensely. Then we found out about his prescription drug addiction, all of which led to a terrible crime spree with some other boys last year. Our lives have been turned upside down in so many ways. He had a job for a while, and list it because he was using (we didn’t have a clue) and he could not get up to go to work. His father that was the alienator that fought so hard to keep him away from me for years wants nothing to do with him now. Besides the fact that he has been in trouble, his father has no reason to want to keep him now, because he’s too old to have to pay child support for him. He has basically abandoned the boy he alienated from me. We sent him to rehab & supported him fully. We paid for outpatient counseling. He had a slight relapse after about 90 days, but was entirely a different person during that time, and still is. He cannot find another job even though he could handle it now. All anyone has to do is goggle someone’s name these days. He did start back to college this semester, but I never know what to expect. He has always been an excellent student, and seems to be enjoying it, but I am always Leary now. I have lost a lot of trust. We drug test him because we cannot have this going on here. I never know what to expect. Sometimes things will be going great & then he slips back into wanting a 20 year old’s freedom- but again we have rules and curfew. If he breaks them, he cannot stay here. His father will not even allow him to visit him at this point.
        He goes to AA meetings, and we belong to Alanon which has helped us tremendously at setting boundaries we can live with- though it’s still so hard. Those years after the divorce when he lived with his dad & his new wife who was a known alcoholic destroyed him. His father is now also an alcoholic according to my son- which I absolutely believe. His step brother & sister are both serious drug and alcohol abusers. All these kids came from high achieving families with a good to excellent socioeconomic background. His father & step mother & step mothers millionaire parents are severe alcoholics who don’t think they need help or don’t care. This is not the life I’d have ever chosen for myself as a 58 year old woman with an only child and so much hope for the future. I have been crushed, to say the least.
        I will say this, however…..when you call on God to bring you through horrible things, when you pray and really trust in him, miracles DO and HAVE occurred. God is patient, and ever so forgiving and compassionate! He has brought all three of us through the most trying times.
        A year and a half ago my husband and I became very involved in a new church and prayer group. It has changed our lives and helped us cope, knowing that God is truly in charge of all things- if we give him that control. At that time, my son never would have come to church,
        But I prayed vehemently for this for years. He has been coming with us for many months now, and prays aloud in our prayer groups. He reads his Bible & keeps a journal. The people there love him and are kind to him, encourage him and pray for us and him all the time. We feel God’s live poured out on us in even the worst situations. All these legal issues have not yet come to the forefront. I do not know what the future holds for us or for him. I can only tell you that when I was suffering the unbearable cruelty if alienation by my ex-husband, questioning my own sanity daily, suffering from horrible nightmares & what I now am quite sure was PTSD as the result if total gaslightIng from my ex, someone good and truly wonderful entered my life that I was not expecting or even wanting. And that would be my husband today, who is the most decent honorable man I have ever met, and who has also had a great impact on my son’s emerging character. That too, I am convinced, was God’s doing. He cares so much for all if us, and really wants to protect those who live him. Incidentally, when my son first came to stay with ys, and for quite a while afterwards, I was
        Certain I recognized the very same PTSD symptoms in him as well. I later decided to do a little research on the matter, and found that this is a fairly common development in BOTH alienated children, as well as the alienated parent. Also, as I’m sure most of you know, these children often suffer from some serious mental Heath issues later on as a result of being torn apart unjustly by the alienation. This was certainly true in our case, and I saw it coming 5 years ago. I wish all if you well. You will get through this. It will come to an end. There may be different struggles ahead. Be if great courage, and pray, pray, pray. Our children deserve it. Love to you all! God be with you and show you the way forward.

  16. estheradler
    March 19, 2012 at 6:16 PM

    That has been me. I am the alienated mother, who tried everything to maintain a great relationship with my kids. I haven’t spoken to my oldest daughter in three years. What I have done since is turned my pain into my purpose. I have since written an inspirational memoir, became a public speaker and do my best to spread hope and inspiration amidst the pain. Here is a recent blog I wrote on the subject of Parent Alienation

  17. wendy scott
    October 10, 2015 at 7:56 PM

    we learned about the world of parent alienation in January 2015. My sister is the targeted parent and although we knew my ex brother-in-law was escalating his hatred of her, us and my husband, he hates everyone, so we ignored his comments. He has been working on this since 2010 with his cousin who happens to be the Bio-hazard biological mother of my niece. She was 17, pregnant with a second baby, gave the first to her boyfriends grandparents and was travelling with a circus. My sister and Ex-BIL adopted her at minutes old. He has kept up the contact once or twice a year because it is absolutely the only thing he does with my niece. My sister thought this would stop the moth to flame that bio children have but in retrospect knows that my advice for keeping the visits to supervised or monitor visits, should’ve been followed. These are all horrible examples of human beings. Jerry Springerville and PAS is where we reside now after he literally tried to give my niece back. When someone retires, the minor children collect social security as well and for people who soak off the system, and have done this before (she with the older child) coupled with a parent that has done alienation before (unbeknownst to us my ex BIL has done this with a son!). we are no match. They tried dcf abuse charges (all disproven), baker acted my niece as part of the charade (deadbeat had to call my sister for the insurance card because she pays for health insurance since he goes to the VA), then a restraining order (which was dropped)…….What could they have done for her behavior and personality to completely change like a light switch from December 27 to Dec 30, 2014? She was an A/B student, loved school, had tons of friends, their parents, teachers, aunts, uncles, love her and enjoy her company. She now needs an exorcist. Has lost her virginity, flunked school, started smoking pot, ecigs and cigs, has solicited to be paid for sex, will not attend school even in a new place she campaigned to go to, swears, berates, does sex videos, is a lesbian, was a vegetarian, on and on…………i spent the day before she left and tons of time letting her drive that month prior (she got her permit on dec 6th), we ordered a dress that needed alteration and we went to dress fitters. Tons of hours spent together even shopping for christmas for her aunt and mother. January 1, 2015 she is terrified of all of us. Anyone have any ideas other than PAS?

  18. March 5, 2016 at 12:56 AM

    Bless this child for being so aware! I have been alienated by my two teens, its been almost two months with no contact. Their dad found out that I had rented their room while they were on a holiday cruise with dad and wife to AirBnB.. (of course all of their personal belongings and bedding were taken out before guests came) YES! I needed money to pay the rent. This has now blown into my ex suing for 100% custody of my two sons and they believe this is the worst thing any parent could ever do them. I have been told that I violated their space and it can never be forgiven. It’s been 10 years since divorce and I wish I had of learned how to protect my boys and teach them boundaries. I should have told them the truth about who their dad was instead of pretending he loved them and was doing the best job he could and didn’t mean the things he said in anger. How stupid I have been…. and it is costing me my children.
    I will not give up…. ever!

  19. Cody
    May 4, 2016 at 2:38 PM

    As I read this letter I thought it could be my daughter, however, it’s too early for her to see the truth. I had primary custody of my daughter. When she was 14 I was served papers by her Father stating she wanted to live with him and my home was unfit. I was in disagreement my home was unfit, however, I agreed to let her live with him for HS but she needed to finish out the eighth grade school year. She became furious with me. Well, I knew why after I stumbled across a piece of paper with an email address and pass word on it; the very first email dated December 30, 2009 (my daughter was just 11 years old) stating, “now we have a place to communicate in private, tell me everything you think will help….love daddy”. Prior to me finding the emails I asked her why she was so angry, she stated, “because we didn’t think you would react that way”.

    I read email after email and my heart saddened and ached. I found three years of emails of my young daughter being asked to diary the lives of myself and husband, she fabricated the truth to make me look abusive, she was told by her step-mom that I was “crazy and people like myself never change.” I sent her to live with her Dad the next day. She continues to lie, manipulate, use me for gifts and money as of course I want to reach out to her as I love her. I could go on and on of the betrayal and hurt this has caused my family and unknowingly to her, my daughter. Shame on her Dad and Step-mom for never calling me, calling social services if they felt my daughter was being abused, etc. Shame on them for asking her to sneak around our privacy, being asked to document my work schedule to them and the events in my calendar. She was 11 years old!! Who does this? My time is coming to an end of paying her Father $823 a month, carrying health insurance and covering half of unreimbursed, his time is coming to an end when he has to live with the thought of hiring his own daughter the way he did as she attempts to go through life as a functioning adult. Powerful letter and thank you….I now know that I’m not alone.

  20. ChaDen Webb
    December 23, 2018 at 2:49 PM

    This letter could have been my sons too!

    They are now grown and estranged. I didn’t find out about PAS until it was to late. They have completely removed me and my side of the family from their lives. I don’t know what to do or say to get them back. Everyone tells me to be patient, but as time goes by I’m missing more of those special moments I long for with them. I’m angry, hurt and wounded beyond belief. What can be done if anything?

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