Home > Parents > Letting Go: When Alienated Parents Give Up

Letting Go: When Alienated Parents Give Up

Letting Go: When Alienated Parents Give Up 

Letting Go

When a parent endures parental alienation, various emotions materialize.  Some are angry and others feel helpless.  On the other hand, a number of rejected parents evolve into dedicated empowered advocates, but just as many are depleted both physically and financially. Some parents may ask, when do I let go? Clearly, alienated parents (also known as rejected parents) are grieving parents.  In 2002 Dr. Richard Gardner wrote, “For some alienated parents the continuous heartache is similar to living death.” Sadly, for many rejected parents, the sorrow never ends.

Most are familiar with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grieving.  First is Denial.  Denial is not recognizing reality.  As noted by Dr. Gardner (2002), denying reality is obviously a maladaptive way of dealing with a situation.  In fact, denial is generally considered to be one of the defense mechanisms, mechanisms that are inappropriate, maladaptive, and pathological. Obviously, it is hard to deny that one is a rejected parent. However, at times, it may seem easier to deny that the situation is not real. To deal with the unreal, some parents may resign.  Studies indicate that some rejected parents, similar to survivors of domestic violence, become passive. (Kopetski, 1998).

Anger is another stage of the grieving process.  However, underlying anger is hurt and a loss of power and a loss of control over a situation or an event. Unquestionably, alienated parents become angry as their cases are dismissed and their cause is mocked.  Third, is bargaining. As an example, a bargaining parent may believe if they try hard enough, or say the right thing, his or her child will suddenly have a change of heart. Fourth is depression. Self-blame, hopelessness, and despair consumes their thoughts. The fifth stage, is acceptance. Clearly, rejected parents do not happily accept their plight, but they may be forced to give up “the fight.”  That is, some may cho0se to loosely let go.    

It is vital though, to consider what letting go signifies.  Letting go is not to cut oneself off, it’s the realization that one person can’t control another. As applied to parental alienation, one cannot force an ex-spouse to cease his or her hate campaign. Secondly, letting go is not to deny, but to accept.  Acceptance is realizing that some ex-spouses refuse to co-parent.  Some alienating parents intend to turn the child against the other parent–permantely. They stop at nothing.  One study depicts this unfortunate, but true, reality, “a minority of parents who suffer from personality and mental disorders may ignore the court and spend their waking hours finding ways to exhaust the other parent emotionally and financially” ( Jaffe et al. 2010). Yes; you may realize that you, or a loved one, are in the minority.

Parents may also have to accept that they may be blamed for the rejection– blamed not only by family and friends, but blamed by society.  No one likes to point fingers these days, after all;  it is socially unacceptable.  As noted by Dr. Richard Warshak (2011), attributing a parent-child problem to both parents, when one parent is clearly more responsible for destructive behavior, is a misguided effort to appear balanced and avoid blame.

When to  let go?  First and foremost; it is personal.  Dr. Warshak’s book, Divorce Poison (2010), notes that the parent may see no viable option other than to let go of active attempts to overcome the problem.  As a caveat, he notes, “I just urge all alienated parents and relatives, and all therapists who work with these families, not to wave the white flag of surrender too soon.”  He offers seven suggestions about the possibility of letting go. One suggestion is when all legal channels to improve the situation have been exhausted.

Some parents, unfortunately, have discovered the aforementioned exhaustion. As  Dr. Amy Baker reported, “alienating parents did not respect the court orders, the attorneys were not interested in or able to force the alienating parent into compliance. Apparently, once the alienating parent determined that this was the case, noncompliance became the order of the day.”  Rejected parents know all too well, that non compliance works. A second suggestion by Dr. Warshak is when, “your ex is so disturbed that a continuing battle could provoke him or her to violent action against the children or against you or other members of your family.”  Clearly, not all rejected parents have the funding to continue the battle.

As a conclusion, should you come into contact with a rejected parent it may be helpful to offer grace for his or her grief.  Each and every rejected parent differs in his or her stage of sorrow.  They will also display unique feelings.  Some may feel  discouraged, dejected, and depressed. Or, others may feel angry and outraged.  If the parent recently read about parental alienation, and discovered there is a name to the irrational rejection; they may feel relieved.  Perhaps, they are baffled, broken, and bewildered. If they have pleaded with the courts for 15 years, they may feel helpless and guarded. When their families blame them, they may become withdrawn and detached.  Regardless of the stage or feeling(s) that accompany the pain of parental alienation, rejected parents require empathy, exultation, and esteem.

Categories: Parents
  1. Gina
    November 20, 2011 at 7:29 AM

    As a result of my ongoing experience with parental alienation ( of which I am lucky enough to have had the courts intervene within the critical initial 6 month period) I can not stress enough the valididity and importance of empathy. Unfortunately empathy is all too often in short supply these days as we as a nation have, in my opinion, become preoccupied with litigation, blame and self importance. While we all have moments when we are not at our best it is my sincere hope that every parent both strives to be and takes solace in our role as stewards for our children. We learn what we live and if we truly try each day day to be the best person we can be I believe our children will, despite inevitable stumbles and disconnects, grow into adults who have the wisdom and discernment to see the real truths in the tapestry that is their life. I have felt almost incapacitating fear, struggled with despair of the unfairness of the situation and felt my blood boil in anger…alll of these feelings remain on the fringe of my conciousness waiting for the moment to reestablish themselves but they had their time and ran their course and I try to remain vigilant to recognize when those emotions seem ready to reemerge so that I may deal with them accordingly. Grief is not weakness and acceptance is not capitulation it is part of an essential healing process that must take place if we as parents are going to be the examples to our children that Christ has given us the blessing to be.
    Know you are not alone and if you have the interest take a moment to study the definition and meaning of Agape love. It’s not easy…

    • sassafrass
      December 6, 2015 at 12:31 AM

      Thank you. Really needed this right now. Just painful to watch a person mentally abuse my son and there’s nothing I can do

      • Max
        February 3, 2016 at 4:49 PM

        I am at the acceptance state that there is not much more I can do to stop the mental abuse that my ex husband puts my daughter through, and even more so he completely ignores the courts order to not alienate the other parent, but here I am being alienated. I don’t want to leave my child because I love her so much but if I have to live with being broken down and degraded every single week while I am doing everything I can to build my little girl up only to have it torn down again when she is with her dad, it makes me feel hopeless helpless and like just packing my shit and going to be where I am loved by family. It’s heart breaking, and I am pretty sure I understand the last straw because I felt it break inside my heart and it says run, run to where you are loved. But I can’t leave her she is my love and the reason I live and fight for her constantly. What a mess.

      • Kay Earnhardt
        August 28, 2016 at 1:11 AM

        I feel us I went through the same thing with my mother in law and husband poisoning my sons mind when they were never in his life to begin with that’s what really hurt but they are paying for it here on earth with health issues and the rest will come when they meet their maker!

      • Molly
        September 6, 2016 at 12:36 AM

        Kay I just read your post you are 100% right when the ugly people meet their maker oh yes how true. thank you I need this boost

      • Molly
        September 18, 2016 at 12:23 AM

        the only thing you CAN do is love your son strong far more in all the ways you can thing go for it

      • Molly
        September 19, 2016 at 6:31 PM

        just read your post if you watched someone mentally abuse
        some one else — this person did the same to you— m for funny I live in a lot that has lots of tree and chipmunks one of them was racing on the driveway cute darn cute.

      • Molly
        October 12, 2016 at 11:40 PM

        oh yes I agree I have seen my ex mental abuse myself and the adult children it is all a game to him. He lives in small town and he is running for major I have say what a joke he is a narcissistic personally not as loud as trump but same floor mat he has to WIN no part what the cost will be — the same part I just do not recall him winning any thing have a good day.

      • Molly
        October 13, 2016 at 12:13 AM

        yes I now how painful it is to watch the adult children being abused by not being allowed to talk to their mother.— my oldest son made contact with me because the ex found hole in the system that the CPP can’t be slip if one of the children says am not their mother that was cute. I have a angel in heaven that took care of it and gee sorry the ex did not win that time — actually looking back I really do not see any wins for him I was a trophy is that win not for me. have a good day.

      • Ann Marie Escamilla
        February 4, 2017 at 4:55 PM

        This feeling I have endured for, almost 16-months, straight…. Both my little baby-girl, now, almost 5) and I have been mercilessly-tortured; and, both the police and the DCFS, simply, ignore all evidence and abet the two abusers in the decimation of two lives…. I cannot bear living, anymore….

    • Tom
      April 12, 2016 at 6:14 PM

      Thank you Gina Today my baby turns 25, I haven’t seen her in 13 years. Our regular visits stopped when she was 7 and I fought for 5 years to get another visit but by then the alienation, which had been started before the divorce, was rabid. I’ve shared your pain and frustration and especially the anger and I empathize completely. Thank you for sharing. I pray your child’s heart opens.

      • Keri
        July 11, 2016 at 7:11 PM

        It hurts. I haven’t seen my 2 oldest sons in 5 years. They are 13 and 9. I’ve tried doing my best by keeping up contact via phone but the conversations seem to be more damaging as time passes and they blame me for the situation. I’ve tried getting through acceptance but frankly, I don’t accept this. It’s too hard to accept. It’s not my fault! 😦

      • Mama Mehtlan
        September 11, 2016 at 8:57 AM

        I am fighting a battle I can’t win, my child’s father has family in our court house we live in a rural county if u dont know what that legally means I’ll explain “small town everyone knows each other if ur not from a well respected family or should I say rich family and u are average u are concidered under those that have merit” aka honorable. My ex beat me for years before my baby girl was born i was beat in public that left me a large bruise as long as a ruler and almost as wide, 12inches long 8inches wide I was beat over a soda which he had no problem admitting he was sent to prison for a evaluation after the 3rd felony and was deemed a threat to society as well as myself the victim yet he was sent back for sentencing and was released he did 4 months and after he hit me with my 6 week old baby in my arms she was then a victim too, yet years later when she was 4 1/2 he was granted visitation since then she came home with her vaginally area red and the hospital called it type 3 urgent cps said stop the visits yet he was granted joint custody now he has full custody and my baby is a tool used at his convience and corruption has the hold only the devil would be proud of. So I feel thease other parents pain and I pray for a miracle

      • Molly
        September 25, 2016 at 4:54 PM

        your story is deep and very hurtful all of us on this help line are the same hurting big time. I have not seen my oldest son for 6 years. When he got married I was phoned and told to stay away that I would not be able to conduct myself to his satisfaction — he is alcoholic like his dad that does not work program both of them are smarter than any program they do not need help — gee don’t you think telling your mom to stay away from you wedding that just maybe YOU need help? But then his dad really needs help oh I could be wrong he is the smartness man in the world I was told that often. My daughter the youngest of 5 live births does not talk to me ever and this is because her dad has financial bought big time money wins. Have as good a day as you can.

      • Erina
        September 26, 2016 at 6:55 AM

        I am sorry to read you haven’t seen your 25 year old baby, now grown up for 13 years, I pray dear God He will step in and re-concile you both asp…bring a reconciliation and much healing to both of you and soon in the Name of Jesus Christ Amen! And the same for all you other parents out there going through the same sufferings.

      • MOlly
        September 26, 2016 at 10:42 PM

        Thank you

      • Dee
        December 6, 2016 at 6:24 PM

        3650 days have passed since I last spoke to my now 29 year old! That sounds like a lot of time BUT it’s only 10 birthdays!! Time is healing but the heartache we are all feeling for the same reason is not a happy club to belong to! There is comfort, for me, knowing this hell has a name and I’m not crazy, wasn’t the bad wife or mom!! Bad days have shifted to bad moments! That’s signifiant improvement! I am grateful my family has been supportive! I pray peace will one day be in our futures; and maybe a reconciliation of some kind that could mend our broken hearts!

      • Molly
        December 10, 2016 at 4:36 PM

        Hi Dee I agree this no seeing ones children is extremely hard. I have remarried a widower and 2 of this adult children are adult children and treat my extremely good — this helps it slow down the pain. My ex of on the major of small town — in his mind that will give him power over me. At this point in my life I know I can do nothing about his stalking me — the police are aware but because you drive down the street at the same is not really a problem it hurts and he know — of course he think being major as moved him up the ladder — well is not mayor of New York small town mayor its a whatever I must run doing Christmas stuff today take care and take care of you self you are important.

      • Molly
        December 13, 2016 at 6:28 PM

        hi I have to laugh at myself so I sent you a email and it came back and it is funny. I am dyslexia and I made major spelling errors in my typing. Okay some am dyslexia I have a university degree actually I liked going to school any time I \went — I liked school which is different for dyslexia people — the story two of my brothers are dyslexia as well does it run in families am not sure my nephew is dyslexia— he holds a job and as a family. As for myself I did not get any talent in the dyslexia — famous people that have talent are Sir Winston Churchill– Walt Disney Albert Einstein Jay Leno Whoopi Cher I know am a survivor and the best part if my ex does not know this — he would have picked my to death had he known — he is a narcissist type of person he would have picked me to death. Have as good a xmas as you can — it is a struggle for all of us. Last year I got a present which is a book called Surviving the Storm it is about Divorcing a Narcissistic person read it you maybe where married to one.

      • December 12, 2016 at 11:58 AM

        I agree the great thing about this site is realising I am not crazy and that I shouldnt feel the shame that I do sometimes
        I dont know if I will make the 3650 days Dee has endured, but will give it my best shot
        3 days was hard enough a few years ago now
        Thanks for all the stories here
        I am in London reading every day

      • Rosie
        December 11, 2016 at 2:03 AM

        Oh my gosh how terrible. Im sorry 😢Sending wishes and wishing they were real 😖😮 I’d love one wish, I’d wish PA away for all of us.

    • Ian Shaw
      July 10, 2017 at 6:04 AM

      I agree Sandra. You were only invited to humiliate you. I have seen this situation also .

  2. November 20, 2011 at 7:36 AM

    Gina, well-written. You are correct about empathy. Also, far too many rejected parents have not had their pain validated. Beautifully stated, “Grief is not weakness and acceptance is not capitulation” Best Regards

    • nick
      January 12, 2016 at 11:17 PM

      I am a father of two girls. I began my journey as a divorced father when they were 7,5. 50/50 custody. They are my world. Alienation took my youngest at the age of 12. She is currently 14. Ive seen her in passing twice since then. I was a confident man and motivated. I write this to share the effects I experienced and still experience. The loneliness is overwhelming. That no one understands your pain and talks as though they understand is insulting. Though you have to look past that or your anger will poison you especially if it is your own family doing the blaming as though your a bad parent. You must find a coping mechanism that is healthy right away or you will develop a bad habit to cope and that will destroy you. Watch your finances carefully cause the attitude of hopelessness can cause you to get sloppy and when you get better youll be broke. Dont expect others to understand it’s a waste of time. Move forward but never forget. The kid you have memories of seems gone and makes you sad, as though you were robbed. But I hold on to the last ti me I saw her look up at me with that silly smile and we laughed together. I’ll never forget that. To all parents going through this , as some may seem weak as they deal with this, we are stronger than most, we were meant to give up and surrender but yet we move on and live, though are hearts are heavy, we continue with the hope that one day we will be reunited. We continue to fight the images and blame. We know who we are, we are loving, courageous, fearless, we are the parents of a alienated child. Take care all of you out there, sincerely a loving father. P.S. I love you selen.

      • Renee
        January 15, 2016 at 5:34 PM

        Very well said Nick. I pray for us all.

      • Jess
        February 21, 2016 at 4:37 AM

        Thanks for sharing Nick. I know exactly how you feel…I have gone through these emotions and battles too. It saddens me!! I want my son!!

      • Ken
        March 1, 2016 at 4:15 PM

        I’ve been suffering for 10 years and it gets no better. I’m at a loss heart broken beaten down lost confused and dont know how to cope. It has affected every relationship I’ve tried to have. It affects my finances my anger is the cause of my depression anxiety and laziness. I have my good daysbit they’re really succumbed once a memory pops in my head. It’s a pain I wish on no one. The only reason I’m still alive today is the hope that maybe one day but now as I look and she’s going to be 17 and he’s going to be 15 my one day will never come. I’ve missed every thing how can I look into her eyes and even speak my own flesh and blood and I dont even know who they are anymore. My babies aren’t babies and pendant dont even remember me. The pain is unbearable. Every one says fix it fight well I have for years and never stood a chance in Connecticut. And why would I fight now I can potentially be devastated by my own daughter not wanting to see me now. Unless you go through this no one can or will understand. The law is a written scripture that can’t explain the pain she just packed up and disappeared and no one would help not even the almighty corrupt court. I’ve seen her once in the last 10 years and that was 5 years ago and it broke my heart to the point I couldn’t bare it. My name is Ken my number is 9107703435 I need help. My mind is sinking into an endless hole.

      • Cheryl
        April 2, 2016 at 3:11 PM

        Thank you so much for sharing. I completely identify. I will pray for you and your children. My heart breaks for you. I know the pain.
        From the loneliness and emptiness of an alienated mom. I love you Kevin.

      • Penny
        June 20, 2016 at 7:57 PM

        Your comment brought tears to my eyes as I wish my family could read this and see how I feel and that these feelings are not me being narcissistic as my own daughters boyfriend called me. Despite my ex was indicted for domestic abuse and several child support my family has allianated me and my younger son on thanksgiving , Father’s Day party and my dads birthday party as they said my daughter refuses to come if they invite me so they have chosen to invite my daughter and don’t bother inviting me and my son . The hurt I feel is worse feeling but to see my son build up with anger and hate towards them for watching his sister be cruel and cold hearted and being isolated himself and his sister being chosen over us has made him angry and hate them and he doesn’t understand why I’m not angry and only devastated with heartache. Your words were very well said and I feel I’m not alone . Thank you so much for sharing

      • Nick
        September 11, 2016 at 1:16 PM

        I am grateful to have stumbled on this article and the comments above. I needed to find some comfort at the moment. Thanks.

        Nick, God will reveal the plan for your reunification in time and I pray for you. I am another alienated Father. I have two daughters as well, I fought for over 10 years,it started when they were so very little, they had no voice, I tried and tried to be that for them… they are now 14 and 12 and completely alienated from an entire half of their family and identity. Believe me, I understand the pain of getting through a simple day in life- seeing and experiencing all of the triggers (like when you see another Father with similar ages of girls or kids that remind you of them) the pain is intolerable sometimes. It hurts so much to know I can be a part of everyone else’s children’s lives, except my oldest two. I encourage you and anyone who is alienated to go do as much as you can for other children and families- it helps to have them near and see them grow and know you did something wonderful for someone else- It creates something good from all of the ashes. I only hope one day that real change will happen in the family courts and that maybe from this pain lessons can be learned for future generations and families.

      • Molly
        September 11, 2016 at 9:04 PM

        I agree with the other writer you are basically screwed as I am—- I have to build a life for myself away from the adult because they have been successful bought by their dad — he uses money and someone will have to take him in no nursing for him no way. — I just came home from the gym I go daily it is my save heaven and keeps my feet on the ground. At this time of writing am waiting to hear if my aunt is going to die she is 92 I truly home I can live that long at least out life my ex it s a plan have a good day.

      • Molly
        September 18, 2016 at 12:33 AM

        hi Nick now isn’t that a laugh 50 50 split on the children. Yes I have been there and done that it does not work at all— yes loneliness I go to the gym 7 days out of the week it helps— and yes am the bad parent like 100% and am the mom it’s tough—- at this point I work very hard to look after myself I go to the gym I write in a journal and I work dam hard to build up my own self esteem it is a bit beat up. have a good day.

      • Jill
        October 26, 2016 at 2:40 PM


        My husband is dealing with a very similar situation with his two girls, the issue starting with his youngest at the same age. He can’t afford the lengthy legal battle and we have decided we just need to move past it. He deals with guilt and hurt regularly, but knows he can’t win the battle when the mother is disparaging him at every chance she gets. It’s so sad to watch a child be used as a pawn by their selfish mother. I wish there was more visibility to this and more consequences in the legal system, but it requires deep pockets to, perhaps, convince a judge that you deserve time with your child and it should be enforceable.

      • Molly
        October 29, 2016 at 4:41 PM

        yes Jill yes the story is very sad. My children are now adults and the ex has successful bought with money from the day they were born— the ex is an alcoholic that was kicked out of AA because he opened his mouth and told the town all the good news he learnt while at the meetings. My oldest is also alcoholic gee what a role he had as a child grown up followed in his fathers footsteps —- the difference between father ( is the guy that gave you a last name) dad is the guy that plays catch with you or takes you fishy YES he is a father and NOT a dad — children to him were because his mom wanted to be a grandmother —- she was a tough old bird she attempted to name the children like her first name ( I had 4 sons) that would not have worked and the male where to named after her husband father my in law who had a extremely old fashion English name has not been used in 60 years to my knowledge — oh yes I had a daughter at the end and NO she is not names after that Grandmother who I have research hard people that talk 24 -7 ;like non stop are mental ill her favorite subject was funeral too strange and no nursling home for her to live in when old — well I left before that happened —- in addition the father of my children just won the mayor sit where he lives he too is an alcoholic oh yes side line—- if you stop drinking and do work a program where you may find out why you drank —- he is a dry drunk which is the same as a drinking person only they never pass out and they never get well. But he is now the maker — have a good day I think I have made typo this stuff is emotional all right am soon leave for the gym has a good day.

      • Chuck
        December 6, 2016 at 10:10 PM

        I/we are not alone, even though each of us are every moment of the entire day…, night…., week…., month…, year…, & now years….., giving up on your children, your nting, your beliefs, yourself, is normal when have unconditional built into yourself esteem….,
        I am a father of 6, grandfather of 8. 2 marriages. Last marriage… 3 girls…., now 8, 10 & 12.
        I can’t hold on moe…,
        White Flag is raised…, No phones are answered when I call (4 cell phones)
        No little girls knock on my for weekly court ordered visitaion…, alienation is the only thing I have come to know, I dont understand it, I will never accept it, but must survive it.
        Lawyers, courts, people………, No help

        I’m not alone….. God help us all…., I can’T hold the WHITE FLAG bymyself…., protecT my girls…, send them my love…, I can’T, it hurts forever

      • Molly
        December 10, 2016 at 6:49 PM

        Chuck you are not h alone holding the white flag by your self — am amazed how many people are in the same trail I am. I have had to build a new family it is not easy — I will not allow my ex to drive a stack into my heart. I long time back where I came from the mistake I made marrying him and I look at the type of person he is. He is dry drunk got tossed out of AA could not keep his mouth shut told every thing he heard — I guess this made him feel better to tell all. I had to give up suicide was looking very good. Now to bright up your day. I saw two rainbows in the sky I saw both ends on this is unusual and am sure it is good luck—- look the rainbows in your life they are there. make the best you can you of this month.

      • Molly
        December 13, 2016 at 6:33 PM

        Chuck I wish you the best in this season of joy and love for all man kind— yes that sounds stupid — but because my adult are the smartness people in the world and am not I just gave them life that’s all not a big point at all. Make the best of the season it will pass and there will be ups and downs in it. I am glad you post me back take care of yourself as best you can.

      • Julie
        January 2, 2017 at 6:21 PM

        Thank you for the kind post. My husband is in the same situation. His children are 12. Their mother has remarried and it’s been torture seeing her social media posts posing the new husband as their fun loving father. The comments from her friends make it seem like they’ve been without a father this whole time even though my husband has been to every birthday party, cub scout meeting, soccer/lacrosse/football/baseball game he’s been made aware of up until the mom got engaged. Since then, the kids look lonely and confused because they know who he is but it’s like they’ve been warned not to acknowledge him. I witness this interaction between them and her smug arrogance. It angers me and I want to fight, but attorneys are only interested in child support payments, they could care less about ensuring he gets visitation. It’s so hard to see my husband be so sad because he’s normally such a lively person. I hope one day his children will understand that their father truly loves them. That’s all I can do is pray for all involved.

      • Molly
        January 7, 2017 at 11:40 PM

        hi I agree life is to short —my oldest son and youngest daugher number one and number 5 of the children I gave life too hate me it is that simply their dad is behind all of this He like the drama. Now if I had If I had stayed I would have died there he is a cruel man a type of personality he simply hates woman. His mother was a number am sure was mental ill — but right about just everything and never and I mean never stopped talking favorite topic was death and dying.
        What have I done for me. I have remained and very nice guy a widower who has 3 children on the oldest two are simply cool with me that is a positive the third will son be back on drugs he is using alcoholic which is step number one and he drinks with his father in law hum — at xmas I had tea keep ones mind clear and get out as fast as possible. Now on January 27 my husband and myself are going to Cook’s island for 2 weeks — we have not been able to travel that long at time because of the cat who died so now we can and will go for two weeks. Yes I have to keep my brain smart because one day the children will come I now this —- children that are adopted look up there mom oh yes it happens have a good day. I wish all the best there is take it — it might be small but it is important.

    • Dadof3
      March 13, 2016 at 3:11 AM

      For Ken.
      Other than from your comments, I have no way of knowing how you feel. I know how I feel in a similar situation. And it just sucks. Big time. It sure seems to me that no matter how good I am as a father, Dads are second class.

      Throughout history, taking kids away from parents has been seen as a horrendous crime. It might be made worse when the culprit it is a person you loved so deeply for so long. No doubt, my mental health is being so impacted.

      From what you have said, you children may not be back in your life nearly as soon as one would hope.

      Maybe what has helped me can help you get through those days and have hope. Maybe you already have your own tricks.

      My trick to survival, to getting through the days that the purpose of life totally escapes me, is music. Even if it is a few minutes of a happy song, it is a welcome relief. Not addictive and not self-destructive. Lately, I have started setting goals for myself, and been as patient with myself that I would anyone else that has mental health problems. I celebrate little successes, sometimes tiny very ones. This has helped me to start going to the gym again.

      I hold onto hope that one day it will get better. That when my children are old enough, mature enough to be their own person, outside the emotional control of their mother, they will, as most children do, want a much stronger relationship with their dad. And even if that is not true, I keep believing it anyway. Because if it is not, there is not point to life.

      And I make sure they know that I love them. That I am here for them. And I hope.

      • Cindy
        March 17, 2016 at 7:55 PM

        I am just now in my life, after totally RUINING MY WHOLE LIFE WITH WRONG DECISIONS BASED ON “saving him, making him realize how much I love him, etc”, realizing that all I’ve based my whole life around, for 34 years, my son, has been a total waste of life, and a lifetime of pure, in your face, blatant torture… RUINING me financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, and every single relationship I’ve ever tried to have since we divorced 30 years ago. I now have nothing, no one, I am disabled, and no reason to keep living in this total despair, now realizing after it all, he has kicked me to the curb to die alone in my old age. The pain is just unbearable. Trying to figure out how to end it the most sure, quick n painless way.

      • July 23, 2016 at 11:42 PM

        Cindy, I literally felt the same as u, it will pass. My son just did that to me and he is 17. He treated me like crap, and treated his deadbeat dad like gold, then lied in court got a protective order, and moved out and doesnt talk to me anymore. The judges dont even check to see if these are lies! He said i went to school and talked to a coach and called his girlfriends parents after he moved and told them he left when I never went to school and never even had their phone number. He had his guardian ad litem lawyer saying those lies in court! She didnt even call these people and ask if i did that before she lied to the judge on behalf of my son and his stepmother, who is the alienator. Those lies could get me put in jail for contacting those people since i had a no contact order and no 3rd party contact. My son tried to get me put in jail to live w his dad who was absent from age 0-5 and 10-15 and several other 6 month and year long absenses. He came to 5 basketball games and i went to almost every one since 7th grade. And track, football, and cross country, he never came to any. Then the stepmom tells my son what a bad mom i am every time he goes over there, and also drills him for info. She knows every detail of my life, my husband and his family and my parents. I dont know one thing about them cuz my son never told me anything about them. The girl pulled my credit report cuz she worked as a bill collector then at a bank. She has paid for background checks on my husband who was in the NAVY. I think the united states did a background check when he joined the military… She has stalked me since they came into my sons life at age 5. They ruined my son. I have a sweet cat who loves me and a husband who loves me. God will take care of her and make this right one day for everyone who has been wronged. There is evil in this world. If there wasnt evil, we would be in heaven already. Pray and go to church or bingo or a casino or get a male cat cuz they r the most loving

      • Molly
        October 13, 2016 at 12:04 AM

        You are certainly not alone I know that does not take down the pain — am amazed I found this site I read the story and I fell terrible for all of us. I can only help me, I go to the gym I work out hard and I do come back feeling better. In my story I made a major mistake I married him he is a narcissistic type of person and there is no hope that he will change— I watch Trump on t.v. and he is narcissistic type of person — he is loud and bold my ex was quiet and meek extremely shy type of person, but like Trump he had to win at everything — I truly look back and I cannot see where he won — their was not bells and whistles just a lot of blank space to be used to drink. He is a successful alcoholic that does need a program so if a person does not kick into the reason that alcohol was the most important thing in life — with lifting a glass he is as drunk as when I left him. I hope you have a good da.

      • Molly
        October 16, 2016 at 11:10 PM

        Just a short note dads are the guys that go out and play soft ball with their kids fathers are the biological name on the paperwork. I like dads much better

    • Ann Marie Escamilla
      September 8, 2016 at 3:22 AM

      That feeling tortures one (my, now 4-year-old daughter has been mercilessly neglected and abused-as have I, in front of her) by my own parents….Being, literally, helpless to save my little doll, even when she has said, with such despair, “help me,” (neglected, abused, lost, lonely ,and crippled are we both; totally separated we have been for 9 months–during her brief life, we have been forcibly separated via forced hospitalization of myself and other horrifyingly-effective, though illegal, means) is unbearable…. I have, literally, been cast as a criminal (though the inverse is, in fact, the case.) I graduated from
      Brown University, having majored in Classics (a sub-concentration in Latin-Literature;) then, I entered (but never finished) the School
      Of Medicine. Now, 26 later, I have not yet escaped financial-dependence upon my parents…. I have been a frighteningly-easy target. My timid, submissive nature and Major Depressive Disorder have made me more helpless to defend my daughter and myself….I have capitulated, for the meantime….But how can I stop trying to free my daughter…?

      • Molly
        September 10, 2016 at 6:40 PM

        your story is extremely sad — you can never stop trying for your child — I have no suggests for you, pray find a church group and pray does it work I do not know am sorry to hear your story. but one day your parents will die its the law of the land. take care of yourself first

  3. paul
    November 20, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    This post is timely for me. Never the white flag, but perhaps a greater sense of acceptance.

    thank You

  4. November 20, 2011 at 3:09 PM

    Your blog post hits the bulls-eye for me, Monika. I went through the entire range of emotions you listed in your last paragraph, reconciling each one with whatever rational explanation most fit the circumstances.

    Notwithstanding the evidence that alienation extends long into the child’s adult life, similar to feelings of abandonment due to adoption, I confess that I drew a line about my attitude when my children became adults. While they were youngsters, living with their mother and more limited in their ability to reach out to me on their own, I considered them 100% innocent victims. But given the fact that they know where I am and how to contact me by phone or email, and they are now 26 and 31 years old, those alibis are now invalid. I am aware that they may not be free of their psychological bondage until their mother’s death.

    My conscience is clear. Theirs is a behavior I did not teach, nor set an example for. In this country, we have a tradition that people are innocent until proven guilty and we have a right to meet our accuser face-to-face and be presented with the charges against us. The parent alienation (abduction of the mind) that my children grew up with taught them that it’s OK to accuse, indict and convict your own father without confronting him to discuss whatever may be your rightful grievances.

    Several years ago, I came to the conclusion that each person’s lifetime is finite and precious, and I do not want to make what is left of my lifetime a relentless crusade to begin a relationship with two people whose behavior is exactly like their mother’s. I am not interested in photos of grandchildren I am not permitted to know in person, reminiscent of the annual school photos I received in the mail with the implicit greeting: “You can look but don’t touch.” or “See what you’re missing?” I simply don’t surround myself with that behavior in my friends, family or business colleagues, so buy children are no exception.

    Having said all that, the honest truth is that if the doorbell ever rings, my willingness to engage and recover relationships can be switched on immediately.

    • Kevin
      December 21, 2011 at 5:15 PM

      “””Several years ago, I came to the conclusion that each person’s lifetime is finite and precious, and I do not want to make what is left of my lifetime a relentless crusade to begin a relationship with two people whose behavior is exactly like their mother’s. I am not interested in photos of grandchildren I am not permitted to know in person, reminiscent of the annual school photos I received in the mail with the implicit greeting: “You can look but don’t touch.” or “See what you’re missing?” I simply don’t surround myself with that behavior in my friends, family or business colleagues, so buy children are no exception.”””

      Thanks Mr.Burnham…I’ve been a good dad and stating the obvious, not perfect. My ex was a stay at home mom (her choice) for eighteen years. She brainwashed from an early age, so consequently, the seed was planted and came to fruition when I left. When I left children (four) were either adults or late teens.

      I’ve spent the last six years crying and trying to build back relationships that I had no idea were already damaged prior, beyond repair. I’ve constantly had to justify myself and I feel as though I’m the child. I now have grandchildren and I feel exactly how you do with “you can look but can’t touch.”

      I’m tired and I agree life is precious. One thing I know is that nothing has worked for me so far. Conflicting feelings are always with me. I’m so tired of trying. And if I don’t try, it will be perceived as I am not caring. It can’t go on like this. Life is precious. They are all adults now. Parental alienation is a factor… but could part of it could be, as children who were abused like this are now in the entitlement generation. They are so self centered.

      Thanks… I am in the process of letting them go. Like you I would welcome them back in a minute.


      • Renee
        December 22, 2011 at 6:23 PM

        It caught my eye when you said “if I don’t try, it will be perceived as I am not caring.” My husband has said the same thing many times in regards to his teen daughter. He feels as he is in a lose-lose situation. No matter what he does his ex makes him out to be the bad guy. Looking back at the years my SD lived with us, I can hear her repeat the ugly things her mom said to her. We now realize that the ex has been trying to alienate this child for years. Reading about PAS and Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP), it’s almost as though both subjects were written with the ex in mind. Scary stuff for sure.

      • Mike P.
        February 27, 2016 at 5:35 PM

        Well said.

        “I came to the conclusion that each person’s lifetime is finite and precious, and I do not want to make what is left of my lifetime a relentless crusade to begin a relationship with two people whose behavior is exactly like their mother’s.”

        My son is 100% alienated at 16 … I still see my 8 year old girl regularly, and struggle to counteract the continued alienation attempts. People tell me she is more like me – I hope she can come out of this with some emotional stability intact. At least when visiting me in my home she can see a PROPER, loving, respectful adult relationship. My biggest fears are that my children will grow up and either be a borderline (in my opinion) abuser, or a victim of one, like me. Either would break my heart.

      • Mandy
        March 6, 2016 at 5:56 AM

        I just found this site yesterday, March 4, 2016..I’ve been dealing with this for 4 years. I have a 21 yr old daughter I’ve not spoken to in 2 years, & a 17 yr old son who, like the son in another’s post, treats me with a casual disdain, lives with his dad, & who I SAW, not lived with, for 64/365 in 2015.
        My question deals with guilt: So many Facebook “quotes” about how “a mother’s love is unconditional” “a mother loves her children forever”..
        My love hasn’t felt unconditional. Sometimes it’s Hard to see through to the love for all the pain & longing & hurt & memories..Sometimes it feels more like dislike & hate.
        So, how do the rest of you deal with the “supposed to love unconditionally” feeling all these other feelings? And which feeling is the “right” way to feel?
        ..I’m still attending my son’s sports events til he graduates May 2016, even tho he doesn’t care if I do or not. Part is me: I’m gonna get him to 18 & graduated/complete what I started, no one will be able to say I didn’t “stick”..Part is hoping he may ‘say’ he doesn’t care, when maybe he really does..thoughts & opinions appreciated

      • Nancy
        May 26, 2016 at 9:55 PM

        I am so tired of trying too. My daughter’s father & his family need some karma! My girl is 30 now, just received her Masters degree. She just recently told me to stop!!! In a text of course. She refuses to speak to me on the phone, & I haven’t seen her in 6 yr. She is so mean. I hung on to whatever I could for a very long time (since she turned 14). I thought by now @ age 30 she would get it! I am letting go, & it hurts like hell!! I just can’t put myself thru this anymore wasting my thoughts, hopes, wishes, emotions, time, & energy………I am 60yo now. I have no fight left in me. Being surrounded by coworkers who have fulfilled relationships with their adult kids, & grandkids is just so unbearable! I can’t pretend anymore that I have a daughter who I know. The shame and guilt is a whole other story. I am broken, & not the same person I use to be. A part of me is gone. Can’t believe I gave birth to this horrible kid. I am so done. If she ever showed up again, she better mean it, & not jerk me around cause I am not wired for that cruelty anymore. I won’t tolerate it. I don’t think she can be sincere. I think she has a personality disorder!

    • melinda
      July 3, 2012 at 2:15 PM

      Love this! and I agree with you totally!! Same thing the pictures, the notes, the fake smiles. There are the phone calls I call “courtesy calls” on the holidays, I am not willing to be treated this way and so off I go to live my own life be happy and let go. If my 2 boys cannot find peace within themselves they will never find peace. The resentment. anger and alienation they have for me will someday turn on them. and how sad is that!

      Best wishes Melinda

      • Molly
        July 17, 2017 at 10:13 PM

        your right one day that anger will turn on your sons — find peace takes a great amount of work. I write almost daily in journal I find peace in that no one reads it but me — I would say am at peace now because I have left the problem the father do you know the difference between a father and a dad — well my ex is only a father NO dad at all have a good day.

    • Bob Ingogly
      May 19, 2015 at 5:29 PM

      Well said Dennis… it is stunning how many other parents have almost identical experiences… PAS is a pandemic that needs to be recognized more in our legal system. It is a comfort in some ways to know I am not alone.

    • Dlp123
      May 30, 2015 at 11:30 PM

      Dennis, I am in a similar position you were in several years ago. I am a teacher and definafely agree the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction regarding the way children are parented these days. While I do believe typical parenting for my generation involved a little too much tough love, today’s parenting in contrast allows way too much leniency. I am the mother and the custodial parent of my son. I always allowed my son’s father to have as much time with our son as he wanted. We co-parented well together, or so I thought, for years. My son was also being brainwashed from a very early age without my knowledge. He and I were very close for over 13 years and now I’ve lost him. He has no interest in spending time with me and rarely answers my text messages. I’m so incredibly devistated and feel so isolated with few resources for support. Do you mind sharing what has happened with your children since your post from 2011? My father abandoned me when I was four. I can’t imagine ever alienating my son against his father after growing up without a father myself. I do hope you were reunited with your children or at least now have a sense of peace knowing you did everything you could to be a loving father to your children. Thank you.

      • July 27, 2015 at 6:27 AM

        I cannot believe how many of us moms are suffering this way. My beautiful baby daughter was raised by me for 16 years. dad was never around and didn’t pay support and didn’t ever call or see her. After a fight and a year of stressful anger between us, she moved with her father. Yes, the one who could not care less whether she had a pulse or not for 16 years! Who never helped her when sick, didn’t hug her or congratulate her or just send a “I love you” for nothing text. It was me, all me. She has been there for two months, and I have barely spoken to her. She stopped returning my texts and just sent a comment one day that said “Can you just leave us alone and let us live our lives?” “I really don’t want to hear what you are doing because its so boring and you know damn well that I’m fine.” “And mom, you need a dr. your sick.” This was right after her father said that i was mentally ill in a text to me. They were tag teaming me. I knew that day – I lost.That day I felt death. I mourned the loss of the idea of my daughter. Being my friend, my buddy my baby my daughter. I now try to just live my days without thinking about her. Not wondering, not questioning and know that for 16 years I kept my side so clean, I let her dad contact her if he wanted – he just never did. I kept the door open. He didn’t walk through until now and has managed to take 16 years of memories and love and a mommy and daughter connection and smash it to pieces by bad mouthing me. The thing that scares me most is enough time will go by and I think I truly won’ are for her anymore. I am so hurt and feel betrayed to the fullest. I am so loyal, and I don’t think I can ever be close to someone so unloyal to her own mother.

      • Lori
        July 29, 2015 at 1:50 PM

        Dearest one,
        I went through a very similar scenario and I am 2 years later with a new grandchild which I can not see because of the brainwashing involved.
        He abandoned my children as well and came back 12 years later to do the very same thing.
        It took s few months for that to end but whatever took place with him confused her so much that she doesn’t speak to me now.
        Pray every day for resolve and clarity.
        Try to remain strong and let her know from time to time that you love her regardless.
        I know it hurts more then most know and you have to show strength and move forward.
        They have the same memories we do and in time she will come around.

      • Tris
        July 29, 2015 at 2:01 PM

        I just cannot believe how many similar experiences to mine there are. For me after a stressful year of breaking curfews, crashing grades (A/B student to ALL Ds and Fs), going out with a much older crowd, using drugs and alcohol, quitting varsity sports…my 16 year old called his dad up and told him that “mom has gone crazy, grounding me for no reason” and his dad, who hasn’t been around him hardly at all for the past 12 years since our divorce and had spent literally ZERO time with him for the 6 months leading up to this, comes over to my house and gets him without even talking to me. Since then I have received some of my ex husband’s hallmark vile emails about what a terrible mother I am and how I have destroyed my son’s life. I have access to my son’s texts via a cloned iphone so I see that his dad has said things like “your mom is unstable, I have known that for years, I am sorry you are having to deal with this…it is good that you got away from her”, all while allowing our son to go out til 2-3am, and allowing him to have his girlfriend spend the night at his apartment, buying him condoms and beer. My son will barely speak to me. He has been back home a few times but since summer started he won’t stay more than a few days at a time because the “call of the wild” comes in from a friend wanting to “go out” and off he goes at 9p-10p at night saying “I’ll just go over to my dad’s since you won’t let me stay out late”. Now, it is my son using the alienation to his advantage. Comes over to mom’s for the meals and being in a clean nice home, then over to his dad’s when it’s party time. Dad is a piece of crap. Doesn’t give a you-know-what about where his son is/what he does…says “boys will be boys” and that “he needs a liberal environment within which to make his own choices and mistakes”. Anyway, that’s my story. He has been with his dad now for 2 weeks since we had our last mini-melt down when he was over at my house for 2 days and then left at 10pm to “go out”. To all of you going through similar experiences, my heart certainly goes out to you.

    • July 24, 2015 at 8:33 AM

      Hi Dennis
      I could have written this post myself !about my own situation, so you have a twin out there, London actually,
      I think you are a little further down the line than me with this terrible reality, but i am striving to to get there

      • August 4, 2015 at 6:08 PM

        This has been going on for years for me too, and it’s been helpful to read this, just not feel so alone. Thank you all for the posts (I sort of stumbled upon this — today is my son’s 40th birthday and it’s been a hard morning!) My sons and I couldn’t have been closer when they were growing up — they were both the all-American boys — and me, I was the mom who never missed any event or activity, I cherished every moment, every second of my life as their mom! I loved being their mom. Like others have posted, being a mom and grandma was the only thing I ever longed for in my life!

        I endured 8 major surgeries before I could conceive, even told I’d never have children. I wanted desperately to have a family and I prayed and prayed and prayer. I suppose it made me cherish every second of raising them. They never gave me a moment’s grief. They were good and loving sons.

        But after they were born, my marriage was a mess, due to a philandering husband. I stayed in the marriage 5 years longer than I should have stayed. After 17 1/2 years of marriage with a man who cheated, I stayed even longer because my sons were devastated when I told them their father and I needed to separate. So I put them first, and I stayed another 5 years in absolute torment, just to get my oldest son through high school (he took it the hardest).

        I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I loved the man I married, and I was faithful. I was an awesome mom to those boys. My sons supported me emotionally through that devastating time, and they were so loyal to me, they wouldn’t even spend the night with their dad after he left. Perhaps they felt betrayed because he betrayed me, so they’d been betrayed as well? I don’t really know, as I always said to them, “He’s your father, he loves you, and it isn’t about his love for you. This is between us, he’s still your dad.” So I would never discuss the ugly things he’d done to me or to others in his life. I worked 4 jobs, and I put them both through college without help from their father. I wanted them to have a father, so I felt it would be resented if I told them how devastating it was for me that he walked out and why.

        I thought he and I (the ex) had made a sort of unspoken peace with it as the years rolled by and I remarried. I moved on and have been happily remarried for 15 years. My sons and I were good, really good with each other, until the oldest got married and his wife and he have been estranged from us for the past 6 1/2 years (the second he met her, it all changed). They have two grandchildren we have never seen. It is devastating to me. I used to blame the daughter-in-laws for this, but my ex passed away this spring, and my sons were here for 2 weeks by his bedside — they didn’t even tell us they were in town, I read it on Facebook. I know there were things said about me and my family — as we were banned from going to any services for their dad (we wouldn’t have gone, unless they’d have wanted us to be there) but now they have both completely cut us out of their lives since his death. When someone dies, I think people often make them the hero, or a saint, somehow.

        It was my ex’s wish to cut me out of our sons’ lives, and he has indeed succeeded in that in his death. The boys must feel they are respecting his final wish — doing as he asked — to cut us out of their lives. I tried to see my oldest son the day his father died, and it did not go well. He broke my heart, but it gave me a great deal of closure too. He wouldn’t even remove his hands from his jean pockets to hug me. I now know that this isn’t about the daughter-in-laws at all — this is about grown men choosing to ostracize and alienate us from the lives we envisioned — with our holiday table strewn with turkey bones and pie crumbs, laughing grandchildren, and a lot of love. Somehow my hope was that my ex would do right by me, in the end, when he was facing death…. somehow he’d have his “Come to Jesus” moment and realize that life is short, he was leaving the physical earth, and that in order not to leave his children parentless he would come clean and confess his wrongdoings to me — at least tell them that it wasn’t right to cut me out, that I was a good mom and oh how I loved them — that they would need me to be in their lives, especially once he was gone. But alas, he chose the again, not to do right by me, and it appears he made it so much worse by leaving it all unsaid.

        After 6 1/2 years of daily grieving, I can now say, and with the help of a lot of counseling for both my husband and myself, we are making conscious choices to find happiness. We are investing time in the lives of those people who enjoy our company and who love us no matter what, but more importantly they allow us to love them. That is such a gift. It’s all we can do for now — that, and pray our way through days like this… It’s the holidays and the special events that are the most difficult. My dad used to always say, you have a choice each day to wake up and choose to be happy, or to wake up and look for the bad stuff (and there is always going to be something bad, if you look).” I purposely choose to be happy. Oh, yes, there is still some grief, just not the all-consuming kind, and on a day like today, my son’s 40th birthday, when this day 40 years ago was literally the happiest day of my life…. well, it is a difficult day. But it’s not impossible to be happy. I’m blessed in many ways, and the man I am not married to, is truly the love of my life. I can say that even through all of this, I would go through it all again, just to find him!

      • Miother of 44 years
        August 30, 2015 at 7:07 PM

        I regret to inform you that nothing will change. After 21 years of rejection, my son continues to retreat me as nothing. I thought he would show up for my 90 year old mother’s funeral. He did not. Not even a card showing sympathy. Everything I read 20 years ago implied that by me showing continual love and support my son would come to see the truth. I think the attorney was correct, “a family trait ” of rejection and abandonment. I send a birthday card honoring his birth to leave a door open. But I have stopped holding my breathe and praying for his return.Seventy year old mother with stage 4 cancer accepting of reality.

    • Coolingtampa@gmail.com
      September 14, 2015 at 6:47 AM

      Thanks for your story. I know the feeling so well. Grown kids live down the road and seldom call, never visit. I get pictures of grandkids off their facebook page. They know their mother is mentally ill and a hate filled person. However they are young “early 20’s” and fell into the same trap i did of trying to appease and fix their behavior to make their mother happy. It took me 20 years to realize nothing i did would fix her hate filled life. She isolated me and my kids from everyone with hate. My relatives and friends refused to come into my home. I stayed to protect my children from her sometimes violent outbursts until they were 19 and 21. I was told by lawyers several times ” she will get custody” if you divorce her. I think this long dysfunctional environment seriously affected the kids. I was and am still told i was their rock in the storm. But they still spend all hollidays and visit their mother and only contact me when life is hard. I dont talk about her or degrade her to them. But im told when i do have the honor of a chat with them, she still talks terrible about me, my deceased mother and brother and my living sister. I’m still having problems dealing with what i feel as rejection from people i gave many years of my life to protect from a crazy person. A lesson for anyone young if you will here it. If you love someone but get a feeling they have a serious mental issue, get away from them! Don’t waste your life trying to fix someone. Its a lost cause especially if they are a hate filled person.

      • Terry Lucyk
        June 20, 2016 at 6:44 PM

        Good morning. I am just taking a few minutes to think hard about next week. My son who died at the age of 14 —- the school is again for the 26 year is awarding a student who has leadership skills within the school. This award is given to either a female or male student. This is an 8 hour drive for myself but I have not missing a year. The down side is his father stalks me each year either by following my vehicle around town, or walking up the front of a sidewalk to get as close to me as possible. I have been to the police regarding this type of behavior last year. The police have not giving me any information other that what I gave them like dates, years time etc. 25 full years of this is too long.. His behaviors need to stop yes change but mainly stop. I will never return to him. The down side is only one of my 3 adult children talks to me. I am sure that this is and was planned by the adult children’s dad. He needs to know.l I do not I only go for the presentation. I am not interested in talking to or even looking at my sons father. I have closed that chapter in my life..

      • Jean
        December 27, 2016 at 6:20 PM

        I let go. I made my own plans for Christmas eve and Christmas day. When my kids asked, I said I already had plans but would be off on 26th. Of course ex controlled the “time” I had with them. 6 hour visit and dinner turned into 2 hours, and I ate a delicious lunch! I enjoyed my Christmas holiday and did not deal with drama, or attitudes. Sadly, my daughters are dealing with the stress of trying to comply with their dads insane time requirements and other rules. All I can do is laugh (to myself) and tell them I am sorry they cannot stay and watch a movie or go out to dinner with me tonight. I enjjoyed other family and friends this weekend. Missed my kids with me, but not all the B. S.

      • Molly
        December 29, 2016 at 1:40 AM

        hi Jean yes I did sort of the same at xmas my 3 shrive adult children are not allowed to have contact with me and geeeeeeeee xmas is so special isn’t it. Am remarried to a dam nice guy and we had supper with two of his children and one set of in laws — who drank their face off — I had tea and got out as soon as I could —- its sad because is supposed to be sober and clean and so far his is drinking a lot —- the drugs will come soon and it will be again the police and rehab— loss of this house — and get this the two are trying to have a baby oh yes a stone baby who will be born to drugs I have nothing to say here am the in law so I just get watch. have a good day.

    • sassafrass
      December 6, 2015 at 12:34 AM

      Well said…

    • IAN
      April 11, 2016 at 8:49 AM

      Very well written Dennis , every word is correct . Impossible for these adult children now to see anything different . They have become the Sociopaths their mother has always been . My children are the same ages as yours and react in the same way .

    • MaryK
      September 29, 2016 at 3:41 PM

      Great story. As a mother of a 37 year old ES, I can relate. But as was posted earlier, …. the honest truth is that if the doorbell ever rings, my willingness to engage and recover relationships can be switched on immediately. This is exactly how I feel. Forgiveness for whatever unnamed wrong I’ve done would be nice.

  5. Mary
    November 20, 2011 at 4:28 PM

    I am thankful that for my significant other giving up was not an option. He has exhausted the courts and his finances, but is rebuilding his life and supporting his children. He will always be their father. It is hardest when he realizes that being even on the fringes of their lives means hurt for them. The mother tortures them emotionally, stirring up drama, not just in private, but publicly. He keeps his distance, but she does not. We walk away but both feel that completly abandoning them is disgusting. We plan carefully so we can financially support them in an appropriate and responsible way, we keep in touch with cards, notes and small gifts, and are building a family website to record what the rest or their family is about. I hope one day to get to know them. He knows that he will always be their father and that they cannot deny that. Even if he dies before they realize, he will leave to them a story of his love and support. The court system ( MA.) should be condemned! Not a caring,loving parent. Scrap it from bottom to top. It is a despicable mess. An abusers best weapon! Wish the “occupiers” would show up at divorce court .

    • Diane
      October 14, 2013 at 4:13 AM

      I could not agree with you more regarding the court system. I feel that the family court system was the catalyst in my ex’s success in alienating me from our son’s life. The “Family Court System” what a joke!!! Isn’t the whole premise behind that system to facilitate the best interest of a child? If so, how is it even remotely in a child’s best interest to not have contact with one of his/her parents?

      With the help of the court system my ex exhausted all my financial means to fight back and in that the courts may as well have handed my son over on a preverbal silver platter. Actually once my ex finally (after years of brainwashing) managed to have our son utter the words “I don’t want to live with my mommy anymore” that was it, it was all over for me!!! My ex tried to discredit me and prove me an unfit parent for years; unsuccessfully I may add but the day my son said those words at 11 years old my ex just stood behind him using him as a human shield having our son do all of his dirty work from that point on. The courts are completely useless!!! My son has not even seen my parents or any other family member or friends of mine since shortly after he stopped seeing me. My ex knew the only way his plan would be successful was to ensure no possible contact at all!!!

      I keep thinking this is terrible nightmare that I just need to wake up from. This emotional rollercoaster just keeps repeating itself like that movie “Groundhog Day” with Bill Murray. I am just so sick of feeling sad and mad and hurt and depressed and and and need I go on? As mentioned above “if I don’t try, it will be perceived as I am not caring.” I understand that feeling all so well. I do not mean any disrespect to any wonderful dad’s out there but I just feel as if society really looks down upon a mother who does not have access to her child(ren) as historically it has mainly been mothers having the children after marital break ups. Sadly, I think men may have been experiencing this for a long time but it just wasn’t identified as it is today. I think it is a relatively new phenomenon for mothers though at least to the degree it is happening today. I have one last comment about the infamous “Family Court System” the one with the most money will win especially when the imbalance is extreme!!!

      • DH
        February 7, 2014 at 12:09 PM

        went thru similar circumstances. my son moved with his dad at age 12. I have a sick elderly mom living with me. My son claimed he was just so stressed out and he was failing school. since then my son and my relationship has been rocky. he is told I do not love him, I do not care about him. brainwashed for 4 years. see him very little, its fun at his dads, no rules and he gets everything he wants! Still failing school too. I email my son, when he even bothers to read it. letting him know I love him, and miss him and he can visit whenever he wants. But he prefers being with his dad, they have the funds to go out to eat every night, go to movies, sporting events, concerts and other things nightly, even if it interferes with his sleep for school. he gets $50 a week to spend just because his daddy loves him. I just hope some day my son realizes less about material things and that he has a mom who does love him and tries her best to have a good relationship with him. so now I just live my life, enjoy friends, and my hubby, and keep myself happy and focused on positive things. It is sad when one parent feels their child is their property.

      • CMB
        December 2, 2014 at 3:05 PM

        I am going through parental alienation with my ex. We have 3 small children under the ages of 9 and their dad has alienated them from me. He got primary custody because he had the better attorney (prior to my ex and I seperating I was a stay at home mom so I had no financial help) and the court systems are ridiculous. He has got my children to lie to cyfd and police claiming child abuse. He has completely brainwashed my kids and now they want nothing to do with me and beg to stay with their dad when its supposed to be my time. My ex is a narcissist and will do whatever it takes to make my life miserable and he knows that using my kids is the only way he can get to me. I love my kids so much and miss them so much but I can’t deal with this anymore.

      • Karin
        December 3, 2014 at 2:04 PM

        I had a similar experience with my ex and the backwards backwoods podunks he networks with (former government employee and hometown ol’ boy.) I went through the process (GAL, home inspection, private interviews with the kids) and they found in my favor, so his buddies just refused to enforce. I have legal custody but haven’t been allowed to see my daughters in 3 years. That’s fine. For my girls, the torture has stopped. (For example, he used to call them at my home and tell them he was going to die alone in his house and nobody would even know because they lived with me.) If officers of the court want to stand with him, they’ll go down with him. My girls are turning 18 and will find their way back to me when and if they are ready. My focus for the next 18-20 years will be getting that badge of respect off of corrupt chests. The Mineola Swingers’ Case was real and I have the pictures to prove it, sacrificed chickens and all.

      • Adele
        April 15, 2015 at 11:26 PM

        Diane- I am going through this exact thing right now. I read your words and they are exactly what I am feeling about the current situation with my son. Thank you for making me not feel so alone.
        Do things can get better or easier? I’m so happy I stumbled onto this website.

      • Sad Momma
        April 23, 2015 at 2:21 PM

        I am going through this exact thing now as well. It has been going on for 2 months. It is just awful.

      • KathyC
        April 25, 2015 at 5:53 PM

        One bad judge determined the sad tragedy of a life my daughters now live. I’m pretty sure she was paid off somehow, the whole procedure was corrupt…this was years after having decent judges who threw out my ex husbands ridiculous claims and told him to not come back to their courtroom unless a reasonable change needed to be made.

        Then, the imaginable happened. Somehow

      • trisha
        April 26, 2015 at 2:13 AM

        Trish I wish I could do that. I did try but the area we live is too small. I feel a desperate need to move away.
        Sam you will certainly hear no judgement from me. Perhaps envy since you say you were able to let go. This experience is so psychologically damaging.
        Stephen. My heart breaks for you. I feel like we have all suffered so much in so many ways. Barbara I feel like your post was written by me. The only difference is I do not look at my boys on facebook. I did it once and the pain was too great.
        The loss of my children, my reputation, financial destruction. I lack that basic feeling we probably all took for granted that life is safe and everything will work out. It no longer matters that what my children have said is untrue. I blame myself that I did something in raising them that they would turn and hurt another this way. The guilt for failing to fix this and the ongoing suffering has created such a hole.
        I think I should have the right to feel peace again. I just cannot seem to make that happen.

      • Dlp123
        May 30, 2015 at 11:48 PM

        Oh Diane, I’m going through the exact same thing you described in your post from two years ago. I’ve lost my only child due to parent alienation. He’s 16 now and we were very close for over 13 years. I also relive the devastating announcement from my son regarding wanting to not only live with his father but also no longer have me in his life. My friends don’t know what to say. People can’t wrap their heads around the idea of children cutting their mothers out their lives while fathers are often unfairly and automatically judged based on whatever the alienating mothers say. I’m glad this site recognizes that all alienated parents and their children are victims.

        If you feel comfortable, do you mind sharing the current circumstances regarding your son? I pray you have experienced some resolution and justice for all you’ve been through!

      • Just Me
        October 30, 2015 at 3:29 AM

        A little back story..me and the ex were together 14 years , married 12 and a half. We had 2 daughters. I found out he was cheating. H e said he would not stop seeing her and packed our clothes. He put me and the girls in the road. A year to by before he wanted to see . He saw them a total of 24 hours during the next years time. During that time, he had a child with this girl. (she was 18, he was 32) . Over the next 5 years, he saw them like 2 or 3 times a year .

        Ok, so my oldest daughter was 16 when the alienation hit me . She had spent 2 weeks with him . I thought ok, he is trying . Well, he gave her a secret cell phone . Had her lying to me . I found the phone. She had hid it in the vent in the bathroom . I said something about it, she flipped out and said I am moving in with dad and Danielle (yep he married his mistress and they now have 2 kids) He came and got her . The courts would do nothing tomake her come back . I had sole custody for 6 years . He refused to bring her back . We went to court and instead of getting him for contempt they gave him custody

        She’s been gone over a year . Only calls when she wants something. I haven’t seen her in 3 months. When I do talk to her she’s so disrespectful . I hear things from my youngest daughter about how they always talk bad about me. They talk=about all the time . They have completely turned my oldest against me and they are trying to do the same to my youngest . . It’s killing me and there is not a thing I can do about it.

        Oh, you know when he came back in their lives? When I remarried and he said no other man was going to play daddy to his kids. He told them my husband was nothing to them.

      • Molly
        September 18, 2016 at 12:18 AM

        I never went to court it was all handle by the lawyers who certainly come out with a lot of money. I am the type of person that holds on to a lot of stuff —- I got a short note from my ex “:like why are you ( meaning me) moving so slow with the paperwork — now he is an alcoholic and of course every thing I did was wrong 100% wrong every time a person has to laugh at that I get 100% for being wrong and he was and still is an accountant — I think he needs to take his shoes off to count past 10 have a good day. I like this he immediately married the first woman he dated wow fast and she was not pregnant I like it. In a strange his fast marriage to the first woman is a victory for me think about it is funny, Remember the first person you ever date think about a marriage that way. have a good day. my shower is beeping.

    • mstfd
      January 19, 2016 at 7:48 PM

      Mary, when does an adult child held accountable on their own merits? Your husbands unconditional love is noble, however, disrespect and ill treatment of a parent is not acceptable.

  6. M. Annabelle Twilley
    November 20, 2011 at 6:27 PM

    The Grieving process is a natural, and essential one to cope with catastrophic events that cannot be changed. This includes the initial Denial when the facts confronting the person, are just too enormous to all be taken in. The final stage, Acceptance for all that has happened and that cannot be changed, is also the signal for a turning point in Life, a looking forward instead of backwards. I have been attempting to re-create my relationship with the child who accuses me of being abusive when she was young, but forgiving me although not to my face, as she denies me contact with my two grandchildren ( see, still a struggle as I relapse back into the staged of the Grief cycle), I write to her, blog, research ways to give gifts that cannot be returned ( to charities that have some meaning and a good record of accomplishment). I am now at the point where it is hard to continue to read of struggle and defeat, all those places I was and want to leave behind, in group postings, in my Network of Fcebook contacts, and on. I have only one face, I am not Janis, and I want my face to be oriented to the sun, not the dark of the past.

  7. gina
    November 20, 2011 at 10:38 PM

    Like all of you above, I have gone through all of the emotions. Grief is the hardest. My child’s aunt lost a child to death and the way I explained to her was that although I do not try to downplay her loss or hurt, I would think death would be easierthan dealing with my child living less than a half mile away and only wantingto see me every six months or so. I want to make sure one day he knows I didn’t choose to be out of his life. I had no choice. All I can do is keep myself busy and try to show and love to other children and my grandchildren.

    • Diane
      October 14, 2013 at 4:27 AM

      I totally agree with your analogy comparing the grief of a parent losing a child to death verses alienation. With our alienation comes rejection, the most extreme kind!!! Rejection in a typical relationship breakup is hard enough but the rejection from a child is just not fathomable. You can remarry or date again but your son or daughter will always be your son or daughter and only we can be their biological mom or dad…..there just is no substitute for that….there is NO closure. It’s an open wound that never heals over completely. Every time I see my son or hear about another milestone I have missed it’s like someone just pour acid (never mind salt) on my wound again and again!!!

  8. November 21, 2011 at 12:53 PM

    Great article and great discussion. Thank you, Monika, for your continued insights and willingness to help others.

    In the U.S. we’ll celebrate Thanksgiving in a few days. I think this is a perfect holiday to help in the letting go/acceptance process. One of the keys to letting go is to focus on all the things for which we are thankful. Despite my status as an alienated Dad, I’m thankful for many, many things — especially the many people in my life who supported me through the worst of my alienation experience. These people deserve to have me in their lives at my best — happy, healthy and with an optimistic view of the future. While my alienated son is never far from my thoughts, the ability to to not let parental alienation ruin my life was a key component in my ability to let go, move and and even help others through their alienation nightmares.

    There is a link to a speech I made on our website at http://www.afamilysheartbreak.com/resources. The speech is called Surviving parental alienation. Please check it out if you get a chance. I’m confident the message will resonate and help.


    mike jeffries
    Author, A Family’s Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation

  9. November 22, 2011 at 4:43 PM

    Monika, thank you for this article. It very nicely pulls together some of our thoughts about blame, empathy, letting go, and grief on our blog http://www.parental-alienation-blog.com. I’d like to guest post this on there, with your permission.

    • November 23, 2011 at 1:49 AM

      Jennifer, thank you. Letting go is necessary. As Mike Jeffries mentions, letting go is needed for the rejected parent to remain happy and healthy. It also includes acceptance of “what is.” However, letting go is not the same as giving up, letting go is simply giving oneself “a break.” Feel free to re-post.



  10. Renee
    November 23, 2011 at 7:21 PM

    Monika, thank your for posting this article. Although it is my stepdaughter who has abandoned her dad after living her first 16 years with him, I too am grieved as I helped raise her for 12 of those years. For the last 1 1/2 years, she has been residing with a woman (mother) who has never parented her, but has been her best friend all these years. This woman has done nothing but try to destroy my husband in every manner possible. Including vilifying him to his one & only child. I think my husband is somewhere between bargaining & self blame. I am beyond the self blame but angered over how my husband has been treated. I cringe when she calls him, asking for money for something. After each phone call he becomes depressed and we go thru the last 4 of the stages all over again. Is there anything I can do to help him off this merry-go-round? Thank you for your time.

    • November 23, 2011 at 10:35 PM

      Hi Renee, thank you for your comment! Your situation is frequently overlooked– the perspective of a stepparent. Often it is portrayed that stepparents are the one that start a campaign of hatred. This is unfortunate, as there are many wonderful stepparents that pick up the slack. They pick up the slack when the biological parent refuses to follow court orders, pay school lunches, does not adhere to drop off times, etc. instead, they focus his/her energy on being a friend and not a parent. They will not pay child support but they will purchase the latest video game. Without a doubt, they do not focus on the child, but spend time figuring out how to get even. It is exactly what you describe:…..” never parented her, but has been her best friend all these years.” Dr. Richard Warshak discussed this in his article, titled Remarriage as a Trigger of Parental Alienation. The merry-go-round may occur as according to one researcher, certain alienating parents, “spend their waking hours finding ways to exhaust the other parent emotionally and financially.” Consequently, this leaves one parent on the defense (the rejected parent) and the other on the offense. If courts have not helped in your case, coping and a support group may be an option. Self care is vital. The parental alienation awareness organization and Dr. Richard Warshak offers a lot of resources. Good luck to you!

      • Renee
        November 28, 2011 at 7:20 PM

        Thank you for your reply. It is nice to know that there are people out there who do recognize the stepparent’s role in raising children. Unfortunately for me, bio-mom started campaigning against me from the get go. It does hurt that my stepdaughter can’t see thru this charade. She is, after all,
        almost 18. I knew someday I would be portrayed as the “wicked step-mom”. Sure it hurts, but what hurts most is the way my stepdaughter treats her dad. Only time will tell if she is smart enough to see what’s really going on.

        There is, however, and upside to this situation. My husband & I are closer than ever & we have moved forward with our lives. I would be pretty confident to say that bio-mom can’t stand that.

  11. Kay Sell
    November 24, 2011 at 12:47 PM

    Dear Monika, I love your site. I guess my fight for my son has morphed into a fight for everyone’s children.

    Sophie stood in a long staggered line of people. Some stretched back and forth to see what was at the head of the line, but Sophie held the small hand of her son and cradled her daughter on her hip. She kept her head down, while shielding her children with prayers. A moment later, a patrolling Nazi Commandant caught her defensive darting eyes. The short transaction that followed was uneventful, compared to the blood and guts and “kill your whole family”, horror movies, of today’s standards. However, I can’t think of any more dreadful scene in film history.
    Meryl Streep won the Academy Award in “Sophie’s Choice”, for her ability to portray the brutal existence of an alienated parent after someone, with an obviously disturbed agenda, had taken her children from her. Sophie’s mind and soul became possessed with finding and saving her children. However, the deck was stacked, and every pebble of truth and humanity she found was yanked from her hands. She ruminated about how her children were building their own prisons and she was tormented by the ease in which the abuser destroyed young, innocent lives unabated. Sophie punishes herself relentlessly for crimes she did not commit, and also for the crimes against her children that she couldn’t stop. For the rest of her life, Sophie sought peace from the persistent whirling torture of guilt, exhaustion, despair, desperation, and the fear of acceptance.
    Audiences around the world embraced Sophie’s suffering in the setting of Germany 1942. Yet in America 2011, Society not only tolerates a parent’s pain of losing their children to Parental Alienation, but appears ambivalent to the reality that these children are being forced to build their own prisons. Within those life-long prisons, the young innocent ones will grow up never having the opportunity to live the lives they were born to live. Society replaces responsibility with the perception that the child is only “going through a stage”, and the alienated parent should just accept it.
    Accept what? Accept that your child will no longer be a part of your life? Accept that your child will no longer have the opportunities to live and love fully, like you have dreamed and worked for? Accept that your child will someday be the reason that someone else must endure the insufferable existence of an alienated parent. I can’t accept any of it.


    • Karin Jones
      February 4, 2014 at 1:42 AM

      I can’t accept it either. People tell me to just get over it, but I don’t know how. Every second of every day, their absence is all I can feel. He spent years setting this up and I was so stupid. My girls asked me not to send them to visit anymore and I gave them the speech about “Daddy deserves his time, too.” and explained how the law must be respected. He refused to return them on the next visit.
      While my ex is responsible for his own actions, so is law enforcement. Judges and police officers who violate federal and state laws to interfere with child custody face no repercussions. That makes the whole system guilty.

    • Dlp123
      May 30, 2015 at 11:59 PM

      Kay, I’ve never been able to watch Sophie’s choice especially now that I’ve lost my son due to parent alienation. Your post is heart wrenching and tragically accurate but also very empowering and one of the most validating descriptions of parent alienation I’ve ever encountered. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing your powerful message!

  12. phyllis
    November 28, 2011 at 2:25 PM

    About giving up; it has been 25 years. My adult children have continually berated and blamed me over the duration. I have had rare visits from them that dwindled to no visits 15 years ago from one of them. The other has popped up at intervals of a year or two at a time, only to start exhibiting hostility that she projects on to me, and them storm out. Over the last year this has escalated to her making contact with me to con, (yes, sadly, con) me out of some money before she fabricated a story of “my hostility” and made her customary angry exit. This year also, in our home, she physically assaulted her stepsister who then called the police. Then she texted me at some point with four texts, spilling out abusive language and telling me that if I ever contacted her again, she would file harrassment charges. Interestingly enough, her sister made the same assertion this year. I have tried to contact both of my children by phone once or twice a year. I suppose that is it then, time to let go. What else can I do; they are adults and they have both told me that they consider my yearly call to be harrassment. Yes, I know their minds are confused and yes, the father in this case was the architect of alienation. I am not naive; there are other factors, among them my own frailty. I dare say that the aggressor described in the Parental Alienation Disorder is an apt description of my ex-husband.

    About letting go, I don’t think I can expose myself any more to this; in truth I have come to fear my daughters. I almost want to disappear for the fear that their irrational hatred will culminate into a physical attack against me or my present family members.

    Is this what you mean by letting go? I have to let go.

    • December 1, 2011 at 4:52 PM

      Dear Phyllis, no one can decide for another when to let go. However, the topic is necessary, especially for “older” situations of PAS (parents that have been dealing with PAS for 10 years or more). And, the wait may continue on for years to come, as there remains a lot of debate around parental alienation (syndrome). This is unfortunate. I am reminded of a quote, “We know that men can be made to do exactly anything. It is all a question of finding the right means”—Jules Romains. Alienating parents have found the right means. If adults join cults, it seems absurd to dismiss the possibility that children cannot be coerced into rejecting a once loved parent.

      As you noted, your ex-spouse was the architect of the alienation. Most notably, you have dealt with this for 25 years. Also, each parent knows his/her own limits. Studies show and parents tell, that one of the hallmarks is the disrespect that favored (also known as the alienating parent) teaches to his / her child(ren). If disrespect is taught at a young age, it is likely to carry into adulthood. Some parents have had property destroyed, been physically attacked, or others, if they are “lucky” may have items missing from their home and given to the parent that overtly or covertly displays a pity party (the favored parent). If you can, get a copy of Dr. Warshak’s book, Divorce Poison. He discusses the topic of letting go. It is a tough process indeed. Best of luck to you.

  13. November 28, 2011 at 2:37 PM

    This resonates with me and my family. Unfortunately, after such a long time having a child withheld from our home, our love, our attention, and then having that same child hate us, after a while acceptance is the only road to take to heal ourselves (after all else fails, miserably)

  14. Pamela
    January 6, 2012 at 9:06 AM

    Thank you for this article! I’ve posted it on my facebook page and am doing my best to help inform others of this growing problem in our society.

    The biggest problem of all; most courts do not recognize the problem. My son has been battling for 4 1/2 years. We finally got our day in court only to have our attorney shaft us! 1st he didn’t even show up, sent another attorney from the firm that we had never had any contact with. 2nd he didn’t know our case and didn’t present over half of it even though we kept telling him what papers he needed and what questions to ask. He just wouldn’t do it. The Judge found her not guilty on all of the Contempt Charges even though we did prove she was in contempt of court. What is sad is no one is really looking out for the Children who are the most important ones.

    We have been really blessed that my grandsons don’t hate us. They know we love them and are fighting for them. As a matter of fact, the oldest one who is 8, knows exactly what his mom is doing and has made the statement several times that he is angry with her and when he is old enough to tell the Judge, he is going to tell him he wants to live with his dad.

    Kay, I love your comments! They are so so true!

  15. January 16, 2012 at 11:51 PM

    A Christian point of view on this subject:
    There was a reason God had honor thy father AND mother in the ten commandments. There was no conditions put on that commandment either. The bible does not state don’t honor your father or your mother if he is mean, unattentive, missed an event, didn’t give enough money, bought the wrong gifts, etc.

    Children, obey your parents in the Lord,[a] for this is the right thing to do. 2“Honor your father and mother…”[b] (This is a very important commandment with a promise.) 3“…so that it may go well for you, and that you may have a long life on the earth.” Eph. 6:1-3.

    I believe an alienating parent is removing the promise or blessing from God on these children by teaching them to hate the other parent. A loving parent would never do these things. A loving parent would never teach to love and respect the other parent only with conditions met.

    • January 18, 2012 at 11:57 PM

      Janet: Thank you for your comment. I am hopeful that the Christian community will recognize the turmoil that alienation thrusts upon rejected parents. It is disheartening that one parent teaches the child to hate the other parent (as we know, the child does not truly “hate” the rejected parent). Although alienated children clearly appear like they are harboring hatred, the appearance is misleading. It is easy to see why many are critical of rejected parents as they observe the rejection. Or, without education about parental alienation, one can understand why rejected parents believe and internalize that their child(ren) hate them. This is yet another reason why education about parental alienation is needed. It is difficult for rejected parents when they are dealing with children who display extreme rebellion, destroy property, perpetually trash family dinners, refuse visitation (in the absence of true abuse and neglect) and many other manifestations of undesirable behavior that result from parental alienation.

      • Missy
        June 25, 2014 at 6:55 AM

        And what happens when the alienators are also your own parents, sisters and ex-husband? I am a Catholic and believe in the 10 commandments, but also believe that I cannot enable evil. And an evil in the past (which is denied and unrepented) does not make its present day impact any less evil. I severed ties with my family after trying to explain what they had done to finally an ultimatum to which more alienating behavior ensued. Not everything is so cut and dry. My action was the correct and noble one.

    • dea
      August 24, 2013 at 7:31 PM

      I have looked at the biblical perspective devoutly over these long and lonely years, to find solace, and comfort…to find any reasoning and Iv’e only fought that “…God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle”… I’ve devoutly prayed for less, because this womans broken so very broken.. I miss my 4 children 2 boys, 2 girls…my oldest is full of hatred.. the divorce started when she was 5, now 14 ( It was an abusive home, I left) i had to get him ordered back to my state w the children, he managed to get ordered to live in my home, after nearly killing me and made several damaging problems with child services and injuring me and two children I was hospitalized again and in a women’s center…Because of the previous order the way it was done the womens center could not take my children and returned them to the home to my ex …this is how life has gone 9 years…the ex from hell, the stepmom from hell she made my kids call her mom and would hurt them if they didn’t… i Breastfed them! sang them lullibys all their lives and even when they were part time they would all crawl up pon my lap anf fight for the space!… fast fw to when my ex wasn’t home at pickup time..i’d get emails where were you today “you could have at least called”… “the kids were waiting”….me- hello you live 4 blocks down the street there’s no dumb way i can miss a pick up we walk! in court hits me with contempt and not following court orders…my oldest child backs up that I never show up…I have never missed a pickup time for anything less than illness then I send a person to go get them (grandma) a 14 yr old with her own cell phone has alot to lie about a mother who already lost everything has nothing has nothing to need to lie about.
      I think these people are nothing of God, even when they claim to go to church, because they certainy never went when I was the head of the house hold , the ex was an athiest. and told me i was wasting my time…well consider false face and where that leads. I believe I am the stronger person, I still to this day do not smoke, do not drink…though i cry in church sometimes at the pain in my heart… some power is keeping me from that fate and i haven’t killed myself yet either, though some days i don’t always feel blessed as I should I do need the reminders that there are blessings in my life just not the ones I wanted…

      • Joy
        April 16, 2014 at 3:57 AM

        Hi dea: nowhere in the bible does it say “god won’t give you what you cannot handle”. Dying is a pretty good indication that we have experienced something we cannot bear. There is a verse 1 Cor 10:13 which states that we will not be tempted beyond what we can bear; there will always be an escape”. God has not given us these terrible circumstances; it is the result of the sin of the alienating parent. But we do have choices in how we respond & there are many wise words in this blog and responses that help. But no, we have not been given these circumstances because we are strong or because we need some sort of twisted lesson. Society likes to think that so that they do not have to make a choice to recognise unacceptable behaviour & perhaps do something about it !!!! We can look to god for ways to help us respond and care for ourselves. Hugs to you.

    • Trish
      November 28, 2013 at 10:50 PM

      This is correct. I pray for both of my children so that they will one day hear the voice of Jesus and find healing from their anger since it is a true removal of a blessing.

  16. luci
    January 18, 2012 at 10:29 PM

    There is no need to grieve any child that isn’t dead! Just because parents are alienated temporarily does not mean they are never going to see their children again…. there is a very big difference! I disagree that alienated parents or other family members need to grieve…. they simply cannot get contact for the time being…. these children are not children forever and in today’s world there are far more opportunities for them to find out the truth for themselves as to whether they are actually loved and cared for by a parent who has been unable to reach them because there is injustice in the family law system today. Presumption of right of contact for both parents is fair and justice…. why discriminate… times are changing! Forget grieving…. these alienated family members are raising awareness and campaigning for change and we will never give up!

    • September 24, 2013 at 3:56 PM

      This comment angers me. To be taken out of your child’s life unjustly is to grieve. Period. Regardless of raising awareness or campaigning for change.

      • September 24, 2013 at 8:22 PM

        Thank you for your comment, Denise. Yes; parents do grieve, for many years. Alienation for some is akin to the death of a child.

      • Joy
        April 16, 2014 at 4:00 AM

        Thank you very much for your reply Denise. As an alienated parent, of course we are grieving.

    • Missy
      June 25, 2014 at 7:02 AM

      Really? Talk here again on this forum in 10 years when you realize this process turned your child into a psychopath. Do you know what the recovery rate is from psychopathology? Almost 0.

    • B.C.
      May 13, 2015 at 2:23 PM

      Wow, Luci, you are way off the mark. Have you a child who eventually turns to an adult – cut you off from your life or your grandchildren? I know parents of years gone by not seeing their children. Parental alienation when young almost every times turns into missed events, opportunities, loving bonds to tie a young adult to parents. Yes, one GRIEVES a living child who has cut them off – via another parent. It usually turns into adult children still cutting off the parent.
      My sister is cut off from her only child – my friend cut off from her only child. And these are two exemplary (not perfect) parents. What on earth gives you the right to say it is only “temporary”. It is NOT temporary for many and leads to long term chronic relationship problems. And the GRIEF of not being with ones child – teen or young adult during Christmas, birthdays, special events, like them having their first child? When can one RECAPTURE those events. NEVER. And yes, we all have tried every strategy and book under the sun. Including making sure to apologize, and listen to the concerns of the estranged child (or teen or adult child of ours).

      I am a mom who created a beautiful home environment, good home cooked meals, 3 meals a day, garden, canned, brought the girls to their lessons. Made costumes, sat up holding their heads when they were sick…….and shared many days at the beach, walks, stories, events, celebrations ……made sure they had regular health, dental, eye check ups. Made sure they had many opportunities to spend time with family on both sides and learn to trust and love others.

      Now, only to have one daughter reject me due to her dad alienating me when I was ill. Then we separated and it only got worse. I redeemed myself with my younger daughter, but that took work to help her understand that being overindulged by her Dad was not the answer to a self sufficient independent rewarding adult life. I am fortunate I have two children. They are distinct and I try very, very hard to make sure the 25 year old knows she is not responsible for my happiness or has to be a go between. She was only 13 when I got sick.

      Now we have grandchildren and she allows her Dad (whom I still live with) to do whatever he wants with the children and has severe restrictions on me.

      Don’t speak of what YOU know not. I have family who lived with us and a sea of my husbands family who visited us for 2 week stays – and 6 of them at different times for over 20 years (we live in resort seaside area) – they are witnesses to my good mothering of both our girls. And they are incredulous that this is happening.

      10 years of this and trying, but their DAD does interfere and make it hard for me to have a relationship with a daughter who was out of control for years (and Dad giving her money and help) when she needed to be stopped on her “runaways” and be allowed to face her own consequences of being an adult.

      Of course she smoozies up to Dad, and does not like mom who will say enough and take care of your own responsibilities.

      Nothing wrong with age appropriate helping our adult children out when they first get out in the big world, but it is detrimental to SAVING them all the time and bailing them out, rather than let them make mistakes and clean up their own messes.

      God help us all. And to top it off we have a societal education system that says parents don’t get a say either, that young teens get to make their own way – ie health nurse can give them the pill without parental consent, or say the child gets to make life choices when still under 18 and parents are footing the bill. etc. Long story, but don’ tell us to NOT grieve. 10 years of glimmers and hopes – small moments when I can have a time with my grown daughter and redeem some of our relationship – only for each time live events and her irresponsible actions are always mired in homecoming days. Then I have to watch her get deeper into troubles due to daddy’s over indulgence. And she will not speak to me, nor receive my gifts nor allow her children to receive my gifts or love and the list goes on. Painful does not begin to describe. And everyone else was allowed to hold my grandchildren but me. What kind of person would do that?

      Don’t tell us to NOT grieve all those lost days, years and love in our hearts and bodies and to see the damage that ensues when a child is on a runaway and takes path of least resistance. … …….we have every right and it happens involuntarily in dreams that turn to nightmares and it happens in many ways and forms, one more year, more losses, then hope, a glimmer and let down and more loss. That yoyo of emotions is what makes us NORMAL and HUMAN. Stifling it is the hardest thing to do and gradually somehow through all the emotions, asking forgiveness (for obviously perceived hurts even some embellished or mixed up with what Parents have to do to guide a child, teen, young adult…..

      Yes, my daughter (or other estranged children – now adults) are alive, but it is excruciating to not be in their lives.

      In addition, I have two sister in laws who did lose sons tragically drowning and a shooting – one at age 16 and one at age 20. My S.I.L’s went through all the grief and pain and now have some semblance of life. One was 32 years ago and the other 22 years ago. one has a child who alienated himself from her and she says it is JUST as painful – as th death of her son – this thing called estrangement. Because the death – eventually the pain is dulled after 20 years. But the one who is alive is a constant yoyo in and out of grief, hope, anger, short moments of joy, and then back to estrangement and the cycle starts all over again.

      Don’t tell HUMANS to not GRIEVE over the loss of their childs growing years or later years, it is all a WHOLE Picture of loss and consequences of those lost times are irrevocable…

      May God help us all and find compassion for people going through this….it really never ends, no matter our working through things ….until the day we die. And yes, it can be over in a flash – that is the difference between a living child or a child lost to death. It can be healed and a relationship managed and it would be wonderful, ……but……. What if it never happens. It becomes “like” a death of that child. Never comparable to a real death, but something akin to it.

      • Renee
        May 14, 2015 at 2:54 AM

        Marty you mentioned walking on eggshells. There is a book by that exact name and it is a great read. Many years ago we went to a counselor as we were at our wits end with my husband’s ex. Within 10 minutes this guy said the ex was borderline personality. That’s basically all psychosis rolled into one. We could have written the book ourselves. I often thought my husband was exaggerating the emotional abuse he said she inflicted until I experienced it firsthand. The sad part is that she’s still at it, but her child is now the victim of the abuse. We are fortunate that my step daughter reconnected with us and has a great boyfriend that is helping her to see her mother for what she is. Alienation comes in many forms and affects each one of us differently, yet the same. In wish we could find a cure for it.

      • Dea
        May 14, 2015 at 8:02 PM

        Does anyone else agree that DIVORCE is the #1 reason we have an over indulged child problem?…the bribery =love thing, I feel its lead the gateway for alienation… offer comments if anyone else noticed: eg; for us, it was a 7 yr old with a cell phone(highly inappropriate): he described to the judge as “for her safety” because he claimed he was never able to get ahold of me, after winning that case along with several other points in it, he randomly showed up at the same places I was and I was ran down hospitalized after dropping the kids off for school (court considered circumstantial)…

      • Marty
        August 11, 2015 at 7:22 AM

        I think that whenever we lose someone we love deeply, that there will be grief. But when someone you love passes away there comes a time when you might find closure. When you lose your beloved child due to parental alienation there is no closure. The hurt and loneliness just goes on and on. Never ending. That is what makes it so tough. My whole outlook on life has changed. I no longer see the world as a place of hope and love. I see it as a place where people do horrifying things to one another. The world is not a safe place to me anymore. It feels like a war zone.

      • Bruce W
        September 16, 2015 at 9:54 PM

        I’m having a bad day today. I’ve read nearly every post here and they have cheered me up a little, but not much. When people say “it’s temporary and will turn around”, they obviously haven’t experienced months that turn into years with no end in sight. It’s very painful for those of us that have come to the realization things look very bleak for change. I have a lot more good days than bad nowadays, but on Father’s Day, Christmas and birthdays, this 225 lb. 6′ 3″ linebacker dad always goes to a quiet place so I can cry. A lot of family get togethers and old friend reunions are uncomfortable because of the elephant in the room – “hey – how are the kids ?”. For a lot of reasons, that question causes me a lot of anxiety and tends to make me avoid encounters where that question might be asked. Daddy’s little girl (now 25) and little buddy (now 22) have been alienated out of my life for nearly 10 years and portions of the years before that. The family court here in Georgia chose to jail my ex-wife and fine her for a “classical case of parental alienation”. That’s was after years of worthless hearings, GAL evaluations and painful waiting. The damage had been done and the ex kept going on and on with her sociopathic mantra (and yes, a lot of it is sociopathic behavior – nothing logical about it).. I’ve written hundreds of pages of thoughts on this and am leaving this post as it is for now. It hurts as if they are dead even though they live within three miles of my house. God help us all and nothing is more comforting than hearing posts from those who understand.

    • B.C.
      May 13, 2015 at 2:41 PM

      And it does make me wonder if you even have children to tell us to not grieve over the loss of our childrens, teens or young adults years.

      As for my living with the father of my 25 and 28 year old daughters. That is what gave me some rope and hope I might regain a relationship with my elder daughter. But that has not been the case and now I am contemplating leaving, as it is excruciating to make a beautiful home and family meal only to have a grown woman turn her back to me, not talk to me and stand between my grandchildren and myself, – physically. I never harmed my children, nor would harm my grandchildren. Absolutely terrible. Her Dad says oh, don’t be like that to her and then subliminally will promote her continued belligerence and rudeness to me.

      Nope, we try everything and that hope prevails, but it feels like a TRUCK ran over me every time she rejects me. She is now living in our apartment next door and utilizing my hard work and efforts to keep home and property in good order and still treats me like crap.

      I ask, I listen, I give her space and time and it only gets worse, not better.

      These young adults do it because it is in a way a trend to bash parents, one or the other and find someone to blame. Of course she is angry at herself for her own mistakes and now a single mother of two children – all of which could have perhaps been prevented had her father not kept bailing her out and paying her bills…..long story.

      Love my grandchildren to bits, but she won’t let me hold them or even talk to them…….sad, sad, grief making.

      I am contemplating leaving and filing for grandparents rights.

      I came from a home whereby we had troubles of blended family and attended 10 different schools and had to be hyper responsible with a sick mother. Well one goes through the challenges of not getting along with parents (late teens) and then they are ADULTS and hav to get on with making their own way and life and quit BLAMING parents. Our daughters had a healthy home with consistency, and I had good relationships with both of them until I separated temporarily 3 years only frrom their Dad. We have been together almost 40 years, so the other parent can make a huge difference wearing their heart on their sleeve and giving everything to children.

      Sad, …..sorry, I am rambling. 10 years of this and now grandchildren are involved……it is NOT a “temporary” thing for many people… Consequences …….

    • Amy
      December 21, 2015 at 7:14 PM

      Alienated children become alienated adults. You have to grieve because it is very RARE that these alienated beings reconcile with the alienated parent. Truth. It’s like they are dead to you but there is no grave to visit.

      • Molly
        December 29, 2016 at 2:00 AM

        Amy you are perfectly right there is no grave to visit. For me I do have two graves to visit as I have two children young that died —–but the other 3 well two of them are 100% alienated and the middle child to am not sure doing what his dads says or is just trying to get information from me to tell his dad ( who by the way is extremely snoopy and has to know everything) myself and my second husband have move 5 times in 16 years and my ex has to drive by and look at the house I live- in— its a house end of story he is creepy to say the least Have a good day.

  17. January 18, 2012 at 11:22 PM

    Luci: thank you for your comment. It is certainly true: helping professionals and parents are raising awareness. Thanks to the work of thousands of parents and the Parental Alienation Awareness Organization, along with the work of Dr. Richard Warshak, Dr. Amy Baker, Dr. Kathleen Reay– just to name a few. As you said, many who are temporarily alienated certainly would not give up. The article was prepared for those in which efforts span 15 to 30 years (or more), but still have not re-connected with their (adult) children. Even then, most parents would keep the door open. Nevertheless, along the way, many endure grief, frustration, and anger. Letting go temporarily, that is, to take a break for self-care is vital. Giving up entirely is not an option or consideration in the hearts and minds of most parents.

  18. Renee
    January 19, 2012 at 5:14 PM

    Re: Janet’s comment—It is unfortunate that even Christian parents alienate. They seem to change any rule be it the courts, society & even the Churches. It is very selfish and appears to hurt everyone, including themselves. My step daughter was baptized Catholic by her mother & dad (both raised Catholic). Dad & I raised her in the Catholic religion for 13 years. Her mother has told her numerous times that she herself doesn’t believe in the church & only baptized her because her dad told her she had to. My SD & her mother went to Christian churches sporadically over the years. To me this was the epitome of being hypocritical.
    Re: Luci’s comment–I don’t feel as though my husband & I are grieving like our child is dead so to speak. It is more the loss of the close & loving relationship we once had & would have liked to continue.

  19. Kimberly
    March 21, 2012 at 1:58 PM

    Would it be wrong to give adult children literature, books etc on parent alienation? My husband has been a victim of this for years. His children with his first wife have been poisioned for 14 years.
    I want so badly to email them information on this syndrome, if nothing else but to plant a seed. Their mother has emotionally abused these kids for years and have been brainwashed into hating their father for no reason. He is a wonderful man.

  20. Renee
    March 26, 2012 at 1:42 PM

    My step-daughter has just been put on Zoloft (she is 17). Since she has moved in with her mother, she has missed over 100 days of school in the last year & 3 months. She has been in counseling for over 7 months but still does not contact her dad. As a matter of fact she is now referring to her ex-uncle as “dad” and he is calling her “daughter”. Husband & I met with her counselor. She is concerned about what the mother is telling the daughter, the daughter’s lack of emotion, concerns of abandonment, stress & a list of other things. The counselor does feel like daughter is getting the bulk of her feelings towards my husband & I from her mother. She also suggested that daughter has absolved her mother of any wrong doing and is projecting it on us. She said in her experience the child can go either way, i.e. recognize the dynamics of what is going on & correct it or refuse to see any problems created by the same issues. I mentioned Hostile Aggressive Parenting & the counselor stated that is what she sees as happening. When I mentioned PA & PAS, the counselor said she was familiar with the terms but not enough to render an opinion. When asked what we should do, she said keep doing what we have been doing. Invites for dinner, phone calls, etc. However, my husband is at the point of giving up. He is not being told about school functions, pictures for school, parent teacher conferences. He isn’t even being told about counseling or doctor appointments. Sorry to go on from one subject to the other.
    I guess what I really want to know, is now that we have met the counselor do we push to meet with daughter for some intervention? Do we push the counselor to read up on PA to help us? We just don’t know where to go from here.

  21. March 28, 2012 at 4:28 AM

    Hi Renee: Many rejected parents do feel like giving up. Parenting is a tough job and even more difficult when the favored (also known as alienating parent) makes the job harder. Support and self-care are a dire necessity. If you have not, Dr. Richard Warshak’s video, called Pluto is a great tool, not only for your family, but for therapists. It covers the emotions that rejected parents endure and points out that some rejected parents may over react and others may under react. Regarding therapy: in some cases parents have offered their therapist educational materials regarding PA. It is a personal decision to discuss with your therapist. The link provides studies that some have used. They are free. The articles are not “opinion” pieces, but have been included in journals.http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/info_pas.htm Best of luck to you.

    • Renee
      April 23, 2012 at 7:24 PM

      I received my copy of “Pluto”. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you. I made my husband sit down & watch it with me. I am the one who has been doing research on PA, PAS & HAP. I have taken out books from the library, read on-line resource information and have tried to pass on this knowledge to him. Watching this video was the most IMPORTANT learning tool that I could ask for. He actually said that it could have been written about his situation with his daughter. After one year of counseling, step-daughter is still not making a move to include Dad in any aspect of her life except taking her to doctor’s appointments. She is still treating everyone in her mother’s family like God’s and distaning his family. We are going to give the video to her counselor, who has strong beliefs that the mother is creating a wealth of issues in step-daughter. Maybe she can share it during sessions.

      I highly recommend anyone who is suffering with PA to order this video. You will watch it many times. It may not solve the problem, but you will certainly gain a new perspective.

      Thank you again!

  22. Trish
    June 22, 2012 at 1:24 PM

    Hi all, so many thoughts and wonderful comments. I am in NC an an alienated parent, haven’t given up but always feel like I am in a fog and constant state of grief. If anyone is willing to form a group in North Carolina with me to help create awareness (Raleigh/Greensboro/Durham area) please contact me at 336-693-6278. Trish

    • Kendra
      August 9, 2013 at 11:23 PM

      I was wondering if a support group was ever formed ?I was looking for one for my mom ,she lives in Raleigh.

  23. becky
    September 18, 2012 at 1:16 PM

    After so much hurt and pain, this morning I finally told my daughter that maybe she should go live with her father and SM. She has been threatenting to do this for some time and I am soooooo worn out. It’s very difficult to be a single mother, sole provider and primary care provider without any support and to further an ex-husband and his wife who do everything within their power to manipulate my daughter against me all the while making her think that I am the one who manipulates. Most of these posts talk about never giving up, but I ask at what cost? When my 14 year old daughter is suffering chest pains and taken to the ER because of anxiety all the while blaming me when I, albeit not perfect, have tried my absolute hardest to co-operative parent and support her relationship with her father…..what more can I do? My attorney doesn’t believe that I can make any changes legally; meeting with PAS therapist haven’t gotten me anywhere….I just don’t even know how to proceed. I applaud all of you that have been able to “never give up” and keep everyone who is victim to PAS in my prayers. Thank you for letting me vent.

  24. August 7, 2013 at 12:45 AM

    I am a Christian with two alienated kids. They are both around 30. They blame me for everything; sure I made mistakes. I did wrong. But who doesn’t? I have prayed for them, expected God to turn their hearts to me, but nothing happens. It just gets worse. My family has slowly taken the side of my ex, because, well, I think they like to see me fail. They always have. So, as a Christian, this is what God has done for me these past twenty years as I endured parental alienation: first, He allowed me to feel and grieve. For years. Then he allowed me to try everything to believe they would come back. Then he showed me they would not, and told me to accept truth. Now, he tells me to guard my heart and live my life, to not enter the role of horrible mom that they want me to fulfill in order to be kind of accepted with a phone call now and then, or an email. God Almighty told me to love myself and move on. I do, and am much happier. I don’t need a family that hurts me continually. That is not a family. My kids have chosen life without me. So be it. I praise Jesus and live on. The hardest part for me is the society thing. I am a teacher and it’s tough to explain why my two grown kids hate my guts. Jesus, help me!

    • Trish
      August 12, 2013 at 3:03 PM

      Hi Toni. I have been through the same. Remember that alienation is a disease and those that are emotionally abused and literally taken from their parents live a different reality. My sister blamed me for not being able to see her niece anymore. My daughter and my sister blamed me for remarrying someone else. Prayer has been my only hope. As for society I tell those that only get to know me first about my situation. The rest of the judgemental world I tell them I have no children. It has been easier that way. Remember that those that love God will face the devil many times over and keep praying and ask Him for help. Satan will win if we let him. Think of the advantage you have as a teacher to help children in other ways as teachers do in so many different areas. Are there others who need you more than your children? I have had to ask myself that question and it has led me down different paths. My prayers are with you.

    • dea
      August 24, 2013 at 7:44 PM

      oOh lord, be with you…I’m facing letting mine go and ive been told i’m selfish etc.. ut i’ve lost my medical career and everything to all the allegations and suffered so much that I’ve almos killed myself…Ive never done drugs or alcohol or anything but did face a famil member who recently turned out to side w the ex because she said i wouldnt have 2 exs saying the same thing if it weren’t true…well have we never heard of ganging up? i make an ez target…i couldn’t believe she believe their story that i gave myself all of my injuries(i was abused, so were my kids, the ex managed to flip it) 2nd joined ex after i threw him out, but the court did discount his case later. Family is supposed to support each other. apparently thats just on T.V.

  25. Amanda Iler
    September 22, 2013 at 4:09 PM

    Some days are easier than others. Omg unless you have experienced this first hand, it’s unimaginable to comprehend the dynamics, at hand.
    Every other day is a struggle internally. 1 day I wake w/ the keep fighting attitude and then reality sets in, I’m out numbered, the other side (alienating family) has 20 influences compared to myself who is comprised of myself and my sons 2 siblings, that reside w/me.
    I haven’t had contact w/ my first born-oldest child in over 2 years, since he went to live w his father, actually. I backed off to hopefully stop the hate campaign or least lessen it. I feel like any mention of myself poses threat of further damage and the less I am mentioned perhaps they don’t feel as threatened and will quit the campaign. These people are sick. Frequently, approx every 2-3 months I do send a text to my son just reassuring him that we miss him dearly and love him unconditionally, despite anything that had happened or anything that may happen (clueless as to what he’s been fed but also not blaming anyone in texts, despite my understanding of being the targeted parent) he never replies, which is extremely hurtful because it takes so much courage to will myself to send yet another plea that’s falling on deaf ears. It’s discouraging. I have dreams of him playing w/ his younger brother and sister, only to wake up and wish I hadn’t woke up because the pain is unbearable, at times.

    I feel as though it may beyond repair but i will continue to send a text ever so often to acknowledge that regardless of anything, I love him and miss him. I can only fantasize that one day even if a decade from now that he will realize that he’s been robbed just as much as myself and his 2 siblings.
    After periods of the internal wrestle of ‘keep fighting’ then idk if out of a defense mechanism I flip over to ‘let go’ to release all the grief consuming me, my mind, heart and soul and damn near come to accept this hellish nightmare and attempt at picking up my shattered remnants and try to live a normal life, to the best of my ability, given my circumstances, and tell myself I’m robbing myself of happiness that I deserve by letting it eat me to the core… But even when I convince myself to accept this as it is and try to move on their are days I wake up and the cycle of internal of this starts all over.

  26. Robert
    September 24, 2013 at 3:08 PM

    I had to give up in this life, ten years of court violations on her part ended with my being given a full 50/50 time with my Daughter. She committed suicide due to the constant harassment of her mother.

    • September 24, 2013 at 8:20 PM

      Robert, very sorry to hear about your loss. Unfortunately, I read of such tragedies too often. One mother, Pamela Richardson, shared her story, titled a Kidnapped Mind.

      • jallisonphd
        March 5, 2015 at 11:44 PM

        Dear Parental Alienation Support, thank you SO much for sharing that term “Kidnapped Mind.” I am new to finding words and this site to affirm that this phenomena really exists: parents separated from their children is an agonizing experience and is REAL– My daughter (12 1/2 yrs old) finally explained to me why she chose to live with her father who’s transient (moves a lot). He’s living close by at the moment: “Mommy, I don’t want to be ‘that girl’ who’s story is about never having lived with her daddy. I know he’s not stable. But he’s here now. I have a chance to BE physically near him before he leaves again. I want the chance to change my fatherless-story while I can, even if it’s just for a year.” That really helped me understand her. But it didn’t help my grief. . . . I thought I’d share that insight from the child herself. Maybe this will help others’ struggles. . .

    • jallisonphd
      March 5, 2015 at 11:39 PM

      Robert, my ❤ goes out to you about your daughter. And thank you for your service, truly! Suicide is familiar in my family. Anyway, I saw your next posting and I am happy for you that one of your (step?) children is talking with you. About letting things take their course. . I am going through that too. . .I had to. There is nothing like parental alienation. I am grateful for this site! No one else understands it exists and its impact and consequences for all involved. My best to you.

      • December 20, 2015 at 11:50 PM

        Hi jallison and Robert, I have been dealing with PAS now since April of this year and it is by far the most painful life experience I have ever been through and I agree with you that nobody understands the feelings unless they have been through this living nightmare. I don’t know what to do anymore, I spend my days thinking about suicide and all the different ways to end this pain, I have never thought my son would turn on me even though I knew his mother was alienating me for 5 years, and now that my son has said he doesn’t want to have a relrionship with me it has torn my soul in two and has left me so distraught that I can barely function at work and I rarely leave my bedroom as I am paralyzed with sadness and grief. I don’t know what to do I have been a great father, always there for my son never missed any of his school or sports events, I was even the primary parent for over two years due to his mothers problems with alcoholism, and though I was completely supportive of her through her battle with alcohol, she started her campaign of alienation against me right after meeting her o husband. I identify with so many stories on this forum and my heart goes out to all of you, I don’t know what to do anymore and acceptance seems be impossible for me.

      • December 21, 2015 at 8:12 AM

        Hello Dale
        This happened to me and my son a few years ago, I have been through a lot in my life this is by far the worst ,part of me died, I accept that.
        I have a supportive partner
        I play tennis
        I get on with my life ,every day I go through the pain barrier it is the only way believe me
        not a day goes by when I don’t think about him
        However I cannot compete with years of brainwashing and all the work done on him by his mother
        His approval is my alienation
        I cant beat that so no matter how painful acceptance for the forceable future is the only way to survive
        Best to you

  27. Ronald
    September 26, 2013 at 1:35 PM

    I am at the point where I have given up, and see no end to all of this. I have step children and one out of the four of my is still talking to me. Now one other is talking to me, and it seems like giving up and letting things take their course may be the answer. I really don’t know. I came home from the military a real mess because of what I was involved in. A combat veteran with a real case of PTSD. My former spouse used it against me, and the courts went along with it.

    • Trish
      September 26, 2013 at 7:54 PM

      first thanks for your service to this country, I appreciate it. Second, sometimes I think you really need to let go – I did and had no choice at all due to finances as Jerry stated above. If you don’t have the money to fight it, the courts disregard what they are hearing. I found that in order to live again I had to let go. I never gave up trying to contact my kids and it was easier to do as they got older, one will speak with me and the other will not. So I proceed cautiously and don’t try and “push any ropes”….I have found that doesn’t work…

  28. September 26, 2013 at 2:40 PM

    great article and information…..

  29. Jerry
    September 26, 2013 at 4:12 PM

    I had to let go; I saw no other option. It didn’t matter what I said or did, I always ended up as the bad guy, the liar, the instigator – regardless of how much proof to the contrary I had or how ridicules the accusations were. Without the finances to afford heavy hitting lawyers there wasn’t much I could do even after I finally learned what Parental Alienation was. Now both my kids are adults and both refuse to speak to me.

    Sometimes we give up because there is no choice. You must accept life as it is; pick up the broken pieces of your heart and life and try to move forward. My heart will forever be broken but I am learning to live again. Letting go was the best thing I could have done.

    • Ronald
      September 26, 2013 at 8:46 PM

      Jerry I read your comment and since you really can’t tell hardly anyone who will listen that is in the public eye, it is even worse. Might I give you a different way of looking at this. I worked in the government and had a high security clearance. The one thing they always taught us is how to recognize the efforts that are made to destroy a country. I have been chewed on a bit for saying this but I firmly believe there is an organized effort here to destroy the family unit in this country. It was taught to me long ago, and I think we have overlooked it. Of course this is conjecture on my part, but I know what I was taught and what to watch for.

  30. Carrie
    September 26, 2013 at 8:31 PM

    I too went through the years of grief and mental and emotional torture and eventually I did let go – my final option for my own survival. A miracle has literally taken place and my four children now grown have returned to me…….they are damaged but they finally made their own way too me. Let go but never give up hope….

    • September 26, 2013 at 10:14 PM

      I have learned, in my case, that sometimes its the children themselves who stop PAS from continuing, My wife absconded with my son in late March. In late June her lawyer contacted my lawyer, she hired a law firm notorious for being “sharks” and 6 days before a FCS meeting, i get a restraining order against me, claiming rape and other falsehoods. Eventually FCS interviewed my son and he told them he misses me and wants to see me. at first i had to do the supervised visit thing for 3 weeks, this is what her side offered, than they offered unsupervised visits on Saturdays for almost 8 hours. Now I have a court order with joint custody and 1/3 of the time with me, this is after the restraining order was defeated. During this whole progress my son has been saying he wishes to spend more time with me. Someone is listening to him, maybe things are getting better, or God heard my prayers. I am in southern California.

  31. Ronald
    October 2, 2013 at 1:45 PM

    Indeed to resolve this in my mind would take subjecting myself to the absolute corner of my mind where the death of a family member resides. That is where I have refused to go for over fifteen years, now it appears that is the only choice.

  32. Vickie
    October 17, 2013 at 10:52 PM

    For 6.5 years, like most of the other replies, I have grieved for my two children and never been able to talk to anyone..because really how do you explain this to someone that has never gone through it. Normal responses have always been….”why didn’t you call the police?” The system is so deeply flawed in Canada and anything that requires a lawyer is a ticket for them to empty out your bank account and do nothing. My ex perjured himself in court on at least a half dozen times and every time we tried to get someone to listen to us, his lawyer always over powered us. Thus, she/he who has the most money and more powerful lawyer…wins. Unfortunately the children lose. My children are now 18 & 20 and one of them has recently contacted a family member. It has broken my heart to learn that she is now under psychiatric care after an unsuccessful suicide attempt. It is also appalling to me that my entire family (which is small) has tried to hide all of this from me, including the “reunion”. They are terrified of my “ex” but is that enough of a reason to act like children themselves? On most days, I can function and had done like some of the other parents and just reconciled that this was the way it’d be, even went to the extremes of telling people I didn’t have children, because it made the pain less painful, then trying to explain alienation. But now the immense pain, anger, and now betrayal are back with a vengeance. I guess the moral of this story is that I let go of them once, now I’m letting go of the whole lot of them….will the pain ever diminish this time?

  33. bettysblue
    October 25, 2013 at 6:39 AM

    Why isn’t parental alienation more frequently recognized (and consequently appropriately penalized) by family court? Too often, the alienated parent is heart broken, financially-wrecked, and is left with barely any legal custody of the children. More than being angry with the alienating parent, I’m more concerned about family court judges’ unwillingness to recognize a crime with negative, irreversible consequences that have long been documented and extensively researched in psychological science.

    • November 1, 2013 at 5:15 AM

      More and more courts are recognizing parental alienation. It could be that judges’ are not unwilling to recognize, but on the contrary, it is a reality they operate in a bogged-down system. Hopefully, families can find other options vs. court, which is adversarial, to resolve conflict. One example, to aid in decreasing conflict, when alienation is unintentional, is a co-parenting class. In situations in which the alienation is intentional, it may be in order for a temporary change in parenting time. I agree; the consequences have been long documented in the social sciences; parental alienation is considered by many as a form of emotional abuse.

  34. Jeff
    November 22, 2013 at 2:10 PM

    I can’t believe how many people go through this! It’s a travesty! I felt all alone and try to come up with words to describe how I feel. Everybody here is facing the same issues. I really appreciate to hear your stories, we all seem to live the same life. There needs to be a way to get this heard in court! I’m sick of being overlooked and cast away! Safety in numbers people! We need a voice. I love my child and have not been able to see him in a year and a half. Enough is enough! I’m done spending all my money in court without results. I just want to have my relationship with my son before it’s too late.

    • annie
      March 9, 2016 at 7:33 AM

      take hi and run. dont look back.

  35. November 28, 2013 at 9:00 AM

    What happens when you have lived this so long, that “court” or “safety” are meaningless? It’s too late, their childhood is gone…something that can never be replaced or returned has been taken from your life…your babies, your children, your family. How can one attempt to disclose this pain? The holidays, the birthdays, the summers, the winters, all of life. It doesn’t get better, it doesn’t change and they don’t ever cry, or come back or care. Rather they use you and despise you and do everything they can to break you.

    I still recall the night I found out about PAS and the relief was overwhelming…no one loved (loves) their children and grandchildren more than I. I know who I am and I know I was a very good parent…but they hate me and have since my divorce. Same story as all of you, thank you for coming forward. At least I can now accept…

  36. allison
    December 4, 2013 at 11:28 AM

    I think more so than the article itself, it comforts me to read the comments. Its as though some of you have lived mine and my fiancés life when it comes to his 2 teenage children. And, took the words out of our mouths with “if I stop trying, I’ll be uncaring…” and we would welcome them with open arms but we cant live our lives constantly battling …We are in the process of court proceedings and it is emotionally exhausting the things the mother does and says and even worse what his children say to him after how much he has tried to be there for them. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even let him read some emails he gets from his children (or his ex acting as them) claiming they don’t want to see him for visits because I know how much he gets hurt inside by the words. He acts like he doesn’t care, that maybe he doesn’t need to see them anymore but then I watch him cry for hours because he misses them. Im younger than him and children of our own are in our future and it hurts me to know that we may end up having to “let go” and future children may never know their siblings and we may not get to stay in touch with the children just 6 years ago, we were all once so close with.

  37. December 10, 2013 at 3:14 AM

    We are all suffering.
    I know of 1 suicide, Akio and also Yoshida was in prison for trying to see his daughter. Alex couldn’t get access to his children, lost his job and had to move out of Japan. These 3 members can be seen on Clive France photo project blog along with my profile.

    This is tormenting to the parents and the long term mental effects on the children. While the mothers know what they can do within their Japanese legal system is absolutely appalling.

    Tim Johnston Japan
    Kai Endo Japan

  38. KathyC
    December 16, 2013 at 12:26 AM

    I have decided to let go – it has only been only been 2 devastating, rejecting years by both my children and the court system but I feel like I have exhausted every avenue. My daughters are only aged 7 and 10 but mimic their alienating father’s attitude. I know I am a good mother, I will always love them unconditionally with all my heart. I am angered that the judicial system can turn their backs on these children but have accepted the reality. It sickens and worries me how my daughters are going to turn out from living in a PAS environment. I’m still grieving the loss of parenthood to my daughters – I had such a great relationship with them, so many wonderful memories….now I have nothing. I desperately want to have a relationship with them but the ex will do everything in his power to prevent this from happening and the courts won’t do anything to stop his behavior. I hate the idea of giving up but honestly it is the only way I feel I can move on. Every act of love I direct towards them is rejected, the rejection hurts…knowing that they are deeply psychologically damaged and their condition only worsens as time passes on is unbearable. The children have been so emotionally and mentally brainwashed at this point, I feel as though I cannot reach them. People who have not dealt with PAS firsthand do not understand, it is frustrating and I’ve given up even mentioning my previous children because of it.

    I have an amazing supportive husband and new baby – letting go appears to be the best way to shield any future pain from my healthy growing family. Before my ex took my children, my husband was the only dad that they had ever known. I know that my husband feels the loss also. I take comfort that we did have many wonderful memories with the children and hope one day they will recognize this.

    People can judge me for letting go, at this point though, I am beyond caring what others think. Unless you have walked in my shoes, you have no right to judge. I think when you have done everything that you can possibly do….failure after failure, realize the injustice of the court system, and lose virtually all contact with your child(ren) you have to find a way to cope. The way to cope for me is letting go. My ex wants to control my life, he wants to ruin me emotionally as a person…I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE HIM THAT SATISFACTION. I am letting go, I will always love my children, I will try to make known to them from time to time that the door to a relationship with me is still open, although I am mentally prepared for this plea to fall on deaf ears as it has in the past, There will come a time that I will stop this too, but right now they are still young and I hold onto the hope that they still might listen, I will not tolerate abuse from them, although I totally anticipate them to adopt their fathers abusive, destructive behavior as this is what they have learned to be acceptable.This behavior is already evident in the few conversations I get to have with them. If they seriously want to have a relationship one day I will point them in the direction of professional help.

    My heart goes out to all other parents affected by PAS, it’s an undeserved emotional roller-coaster of heartache. I pray that despite the long and painful journey, we can all find peace at some level.

    • Trish
      December 16, 2013 at 2:28 PM

      Don’t worry my dear. No one has the right to judge you and for your own sanity I know what it’s like to have to walk away as a mother. Keep telling your daughters you love them and turn a thick skin on if they abuse you in return. Remember they are being programmed. I think it would have made a difference in my case had I at least done that. Best wishes.

    • Lisa
      June 16, 2014 at 8:49 PM

      Oh Kathy, I so relate to your story.
      I have finally given up/let go of the fight in order to save my life and start a new one. I even have changed my phone number. Because I cannot manage the repeated heartbreak. I experienced a heart attack last week because of this.
      Much information out there about PAS is in the interest of fathers. As I reflect, I see that the abuse and manipulation started very early on in my relationship with my abusive ex- husband and in my children’s lives. I can even now recognize the signs in our first date 21 years ago!! And even at the birth of my first child, Nicole, where as soon as I gave birth he took her from the delivering doctor and would not let me hold her.
      I love my kids so so much, yet feel anger that they cannot stand up for what is right (they are 14 and 19). They have told me that my home is a sanctuary, and we had a loving relationship, yet when interviewed by therapists, teachers, coaches, attorneys, and law enforcement, they will lie to protect their Dad and his new wife who acts as if she is a family savior yet has relentlessly tried to remove me from their lives.
      I appreciate and feel so much hope that there are other parents experiencing the same heartbreak and confusion regarding compassion and love for their kids versus anger at how this revenge happens. It is the ultimate form of bullying and child abuse.

  39. Ronald
    December 16, 2013 at 2:00 PM

    This is indeed a very tough time of the year for those of us who are targeted parents. May I offer this to all of you. Please don’t stop fighting because I am on about my eighteenth Christmas season (it doesn’t get any easier) and I have a somewhat different view of alienation. I see it as the destruction of a country, and was told this many times by the US Navy back in the years when they seemed to care. They told me to be on guard and watch for anything like this happening, and of course it is going on as we speak. This country is going into the abyss, with the results being devastating to all of us. Ignoring our pleas for help, is just another symptom of the destruction. Never stop telling your story. I am a combat veteran who chose to tell the truth about what I saw in service to my country. Little did I know what would be done to me for telling the truth. Never stop, NEVER!!!!!

  40. February 26, 2014 at 10:01 AM

    MAMA is a page that is for alienated moms to draw support from and meet other mothers who are alienated parents. Please come and help us spread the word against Maternal Alienation. Devoted husbands and fathers who support our cause are welcome as well.

  41. Cindy
    March 23, 2014 at 3:50 PM

    My adult children – have had a re-written history and been provided with money by their dad who deliberately and with intent destroyed my children’s relationship with me. They refuse to speak with my friends who were around when they were growing up (he never did anything for them as children) when I basically raised them. They were young adults by the time I divorced (it took six years because of his obstacles as a solicitor were successful). When they replicated his actions and abuse with threats I put a halt to it. It no longer worked because I put in boundaries they did not like. As a result, they have cut me out of their lives. An alienated parent suffers tremendous despair and the questions of “what did I do to deserve this” has never been answered. I know enough about the results of PAS on adult children and for their sake I hope that they never have any children. I foresee only sadness in their lives and the intergenerational abuse will be perpetuated thanks to a man who had his own agenda, was a sociopath and never really loved his children. My adult children may never have closure.

    • Lorretta
      April 17, 2015 at 8:37 PM

      Going through very similar situation and now my grand kids are part of the scenario.
      I did raise my children alone and did everything I could to be a good mother but when they became adults my ex husband re emerged and started the nightmare all over again.
      Wasn’t there for any of them through their teenage years yet pulls them in and tells them how things would have been so much better had they stayed with him when he refused to take his every other weekend by the courts and just left them all together.
      I was looking forward to seeing my kids blossom and enjoying my grandchildren BUT he had other plans and continues to poison their minds .
      What kind of human being does this with only themselves in mind.
      Unfortunately they use the children to attack the other person instead of just being a parent.
      This pain gives them pleasure and it’s hurting the children and families even more as if being no where to be found while they were growing up wasn’t hurtful enough.
      The parent that puts the blood sweat and tears into these children are then left with nothing but pain in their hearts.
      Maybe we should pass a law to stop this horrible torture.

  42. EmpatheticWife
    May 11, 2014 at 5:11 PM

    This article and these comments are offering me so much solace. My husband’s daughter is now in her early mid twenties with three children that he has never seen. He is disabled with crippling arthritis and because of this our finances have been really bad for the last 9 years. Every once in a while we go through a spurt of receiving some good money because of earlier projects that my husband did before his arthritis took over and then his daughter is all of a sudden so sweet and wanting to talk to him all the time and says how much she loves him (though she would never say it publicly, no her social media is only reserved for talking about how much she loves her mother who was a junkie and left my husband as a single father when the daughter was very young). As soon as we don’t have enough money to give any to her anymore she is then gone, poof and then really moody with him.

    She talks all the time about what a “horrible” father he was even though he raised her and her sister by himself because the mother was constantly moving around and in rehab. Her grievances about him are so ridiculous. They are the most spoiled and entitled things I have ever heard. She says he was a bad father because he moved them around all the time (the moved about 6 times, total ) and in the first 3 years of her first child’s life she moved over 10 times! I guess that grievance doesn’t apply to her.

    Her mother ODed in front of her one time and she blames my husband! She doesn’t seem to have any anger at all towards her mother for ODing, but somehow it was my husband’s fault. He can do no right unless he has money. Then, all of a sudden she remembers the good times and she loves him (privately, of course). As soon as the money is all dried up, she’s gone and back to not liking him again. We have tried to get her to come visit us with her children because my husband can’t travel very well and she always agrees and then just never does it. We even sent money to her twice with the sole purpose of it being used to come visit us but then she doesn’t contact us for months and then it is never brought up again.

    My husband is so tired of it all and he has emotionally tuned out. It is difficult for me to accept and I keep wanting him to try because that is his daughter but it is so hurtful how one sided and full of rejection she is. I have to figure out a way to let this go the way my husband has. It just hurts to see so much undeserved blame being pushed onto my husband and yet the mother’s sins are too long to list and she somehow gets all of the unconditional love. Every present the mother gives her, she announced on FB how wonderful her mother is but if my husband gives her $1000 to help her from being evicted or sends a bunch of toys to the grandchildren, she doesn’t say a word to anybody. It’s like it didn’t happen. She barely thanks him and then continues to ask him for money until we don’t have any extra to give her and then she disappears or becomes hateful.

    When her first child was born, we sent her a bunch of stuff that she said she needed even though we couldn’t really afford it and never once did she publicly thank her father the way she thanked her mother for her baby gifts. I don’t even remember her thanking my husband in private for that. As a matter of fact, we got an email from her half sister (not my husband’s daughter) asking us to go in on a crib with her since we hadn’t sent anything yet. We’re pretty sure that the half sister talks badly about my husband to her as well. It’s ridiculous. There was also a time right before her first child was born when she told everybody in her life that her dad was dead. We know this for a fact but she refuses to admit it even though we have proof. She just denies the proof and then disappears for months if he ever brings it up to her.

    I know I have repeated myself several times here but I am so full of frustration about the whole situation and I am glad to be able to vent it here among people who are unfortunate enough to understand our situation. My husband has been trying to connect with her over the last month and he sent an ecard for his grandson’s birthday but she won’t respond to any of it. We have no idea what it’s about this time. The only thing we can think is that she has been spending a lot of time with her mom during this time and she is even dating a guy who her mom set her up with now, so she might be getting it from him too as he was apparently friends with her mom first.

    There is so much more and I don’t even know if I did it any justice, but I can’t think straight. I am so tired of feeling so frustrated about all of this. How do you let go? I

  43. NY MOM
    May 16, 2014 at 1:08 AM

    The loss following my LT divorce has resulted in severe deep clinical depression – despair beyond anything I have experienced leading to sev suicide attempts. My children are now young adults and went with the money. They don’t care. I was good enough to be their mother so long as I remained married to their father. Post divorce I was no longer permitted to co parent w my ex as he moved into a relationship with a woman who was never married nor was engaged and no kids – well into her 40s. We did ok until he met her and she cut me out and upped the ante on her need to be front and center of his life. This included bribing my children to make up for her lack of her own kids – and him to reconcile the pain of a broken marriage. INSTAFAMILY.

    I have begged pleaded and appealed to him and my kids. The loss made me next to inconsolable. I now endure daily horrors of PTSD no therapist has been able to help me with

    All I want is to forget them now. It hurts too much and seems the only peace I would know is when I pass – I try but the pain infects my core.

    • Patrick
      December 21, 2015 at 2:56 AM

      Hi…I read your post and know how you feel……I wrote thousands of emails to try to show my x not to hurt the kids…..4 what ?…. waste of time and energy….And all I can say is her hatred of me was more than her love for the kids…Its Christmas now and wanting to speak to my 10 year old and get his phone number I was told by my 19 year old that he has to use his phone to contact me….so sad to see what others do to others …went to emergency hospital for a seizure due to PTSD and no matter what you read here EMPATHY is a norm of a human being and not having that doesnt make you normal…and nothing takes the pain away…Nothing….

  44. patrick
    June 5, 2014 at 6:58 PM

    Never married. Broke up before the 1st was born. Second child occured while visiting my oldest. Im 40 now…My kids are now 9 and 7. Theres been parental alienating going on since birth. It started out as the mother wouldnt let me take the kids home with me. I could only visit with them in her apartment. Then at some point she confined the visiting in just the kids room. I hire a lawyer early 2012 and she was served for custody. Our court date was 3 months away. Once she got served she completely ignored every request for me to see the kids. For those 3 months I had no communication and no idea where they were. Upon our court appearance the mother gave a lame excuse why I had not seen the kids in 3 months. Judge issued immediate temporary visitation. Since family court has been involved theres been countless accusations, allegations, missed visits, interferences upon my visits, etc. Its as if the courts are an ‘enabler’ or further alienation. To make a long story short, I have been at the point when Im ready to walk away (over and over). Im not very emotional, but this ordeal has made me very unemotional. Ive gone through all the emotions mentioned above and Ive become at peace if i make the decision to walk away. Alot will depend on family court, forensic, supervised visit, law gaurdian, etc. now that they’ve recognized the alienation if they do anything about it (immediately). if not, i am inclined to walk away and salvage the rest of my life.

    • dea
      July 19, 2014 at 4:00 PM

      I’m a mom who has lost my emotions over the circumstances…I got tired of the lame excuses of the kids and other parents not being at the pickup time and place, I’m tired of their accusations, and tired of the abuse by them that the courts enable with their lengthy, ineffective processes, that by the time all the other appeals are entertained 2 more years went by and my youngest hadn’t seen his brothers and sisters in most all of his life. I hear nothing but bad things… A total of 5 years has passed plus a few months and days since I last saw them, my youngest in the group of 4 children was 3, the oldest 11…it took every breath and worried me to the point of non functioning. but I still had my youngest son I have to provide a life for, so Easter this year I gave up all hope .and what did that was the facts that I don’t have a phone number, anything I send, never gets there, and a picture on my parents wall that day was a recent photo of them all with my brother and sister in law and I found out my whole family was buying into my ex’s crap and helping him…I was floored, how do you justify that, every part of my being has been shattered, as if Him breaking my neck was somehow justifiable…the same family who helped to rebuild me after that, was the same one ripping my family apart… so yeah, I gave up, because you can’t dis-prove a lie especially when you recruit a person’s family to join in the lie and attacking. its awful, all I have wanted is my time, don’t care to argue or fight, just give my 1/2 time, I wanted my hugs and birthdays, and school activities too, now I don’t have any of that either way..I couldn’t stand it anymore

  45. Trish
    June 27, 2014 at 6:57 PM

    I never gave up hone of seeing my son again and finally had the chance to see him after 8 years. He did understand that what he heard was not true and the lies that he had been told were not true so I am grateful for that. He doesn’t really see me as his mother but someone that is a financial resource at this point and I believe he met with me only to see what could be gotten from me. Of course he has learned disrespect and that I am just someone to be used which would have been all that he has learned from his father. I highly doubt we will ever have a relationship that is more like mother and son but I still hope that someday he will mature (into what type of person is unknown since I did not raise him for the last 8 years). So it’s a slow road and for those of you who are hoping to reconnect, may not be the connection you had hoped for. It’s important for alienated parents to prepare themselves very carefully before they re-connect.

    • dea
      July 19, 2014 at 4:14 PM

      I’d rather not reconnect, I can’t stand shallow people that ask for things…I haven’t hardly spoken to my sister-in-law since my brother married her 15 yrs ago, she’s a hideously selfish creature an he’s become like her, my ex husband and his wife will only let my kids contact them of all the people in the family. dumb considering my brother hates kids/never wanted any and the in law is a greedy self conceited pig who wanted kids but wasn’t allowed to have any so she went after mine. six months ago she stated proudly my kids liked her better than they liked me… Who does that? I don’t need it in my life(drama queens) and neither does my special needs son, we have enough business to take care of without.

  46. Mollly
    August 17, 2014 at 5:36 PM

    I read all these posts, I can’t help but feel angered at ALL the Court Systems no matter what state it is. When you are in the thick of a divorce/custody battle, feeling helpless, vulnerable and emotionally exhausted, it is then, that attorneys work their magic upon you and when your well dries up, it is only then, that suddenly everything is finalized. Let’s not forget that we are their bread and butter that keeps their firm in business. As my attorney stated to me “you gota keep taking him back in front of the Judge so she sees him for who he is” Yeah! as I only see it now, so I keep filling up your pocket!!! The Courts in PA did nothing to him, even when documents were written in stone that he did not abide by. Most importantly, and the reason for this post, NO amount of money can be placed on an alienated child. I would do it all over again, to know I did everything I could as a mother to protect my child. Even though, my story is surely not a happy ending, I have not seen or spoken to my precious son since he was 14, he is now 21 years old. I think about him everyday, I still send text messages on birthdays and holidays and an occasional voicemail, nothing. I still can’t possibly let go of hope, it’s all I have. As for my ex, who is living in our home, remarried AND became a minister, yes a poser to the public, obviously still continues to alienate. To all the parents whether being the Mother or Father, if you were the alienator in your divorce, you have done such a disservice to your own flesh and blood, these children are innocent and became a victim of your sickness. These children have the right to love both parents. Someday you will have to answer to the almighty one. I pray for you.

    • dea
      August 23, 2014 at 4:00 AM

      where do these “people” suddenly wake up and claim they find god?…I’ve my own experience with 2 ex’s that were both athiests, and after separating both suddenly found the lord and all courts whitnesses (of whom i’d never heard nor met) to bash me, mind you my second ex was neither the father of any of my children, just helped the first , by putting things on the internet and helping bolster his case…I’ve been a believer in all my days and I know some has come around, the misery exists in their family pictures posted everywhere, I’ve seen happy and that is not the poster-child (marriage). Two people couldn’t get further apart.

  47. dea
    September 6, 2014 at 1:48 AM

    hmm, thanks molly, it seems as though you have truly been through quite similar and are doing some of the same, you have given me some solace…thank you

    • KathyC
      September 9, 2014 at 1:32 PM

      Dea , I’m experiencing the same situation with my family. I haven’t been able to have contact with my kids in years after endless attempts, yet I find they’ve been talking to family members. Of course, the alienating parent has given strict orders that me (their mother) not be mentioned and even after knowing everything that happened, my family obliged. They report to me that the kids are doing great. It hurts and enrages me at the same time. I can’t stomach contact with these family members anymore and feel the ultimate betrayal. I’ve accepted the situation for what it is and have moved on. I fight to keep these wounds closed. It just shows the lengths my abuser, the alienater is willing to go….it’s sick.

  48. Trev
    October 6, 2014 at 12:54 PM

    I`m going through the same thing. Filed for court but is only making things worse. When do you finally give up? My infant son doesn`t deserve to be the battlefield.

    • Dahlia
      May 22, 2016 at 2:22 AM

      Only you will know when or if to give up. If you look to others to decide for your, you will be bombarded with a number of opinions which can cause confusion and sometimes shame. Only you know your exact situation. Do what you believe is right, what is best for you, and what you can live with?

      I have given up for now until my children are older. I don’t know your situation or in what way your ex is alienating your children from you. In my situation, I chose to look at the whole situation practically, emotionally, and financially. My children are currently being treated as objects…as a tool for my ex to get back at me. It is not fair to me and it is not fair to them. I have chosen to give up so that the child support money that I give my ex-husband can go to my children and not to attorneys. My ex-husband is using to court system and false accusations to alienate me from my children. I have chosen to give up until the children are older because it is extremely hard to heal from abuse or grief while continuing to be abused. I want to be emotionally whole when I see my children again in 10 years from now. I have chosen to give up because I see it as the only way to keep my children out of a very corrupt family law industry and it allows them more of a normal life. I did write them a letter when stepping away from them reiterating that none of this is their fault, that they are deeply loved by me, my absence in their lives is temporary, and I will see them again when they are old enough to choose for themselves a relationship with me. I hope and pray they do choose to have a relationship with me.

      I cry a lot. I will grieve but I also feel peace. I would not have been able to walk away a year ago. I chose intense suffering for me and my children because of it but at this point, I am fed up. I refuse to give my ex-husband power over my life and by walking away, he no longer has power over my life.

      Good luck! Parental alienation is horrific and I agree it feels as if one is dying over and over again.

  49. TinyC
    November 1, 2014 at 4:20 PM

    I have become passive. My adult children have become my former narcissistic sociopath husband. Berating, demanding etc. They are caught up in a time warp. I have done everything I could to communicate nicely, remember birthdays, holidays and they use this to throw my communications up to my face and tell me I am dead. PAS lives on. This is another generation of PAS adults. I cringe and hope God will never them any grandchildren because these are inhumanstic people, aged 25 and aged 29 who thing that they are perfect and that I am to blame for what their father meted out. I tried my best to keep our family together with rules, parametres and being good mother and model. But he undid it all by inclusive mobbing,negating me and telling them lies. I wash my hands of them – they are tyrannical – and have had a great life, with a lot given to them. But I will not be abused. That is something they rail to realises. They live in a time warp. This has been hard on me but at least I now have a life of calm, peace and good friends around me. I never saw this coming. The courts need to do more.

    • Trish
      November 9, 2014 at 4:33 PM

      Be good to yourself and you have a right not to be abused and that means letting go of abusive children as well. They will have to deal with themselves and their own offspring one day. You did everything you should have done to break the cycle and try and be their parent under the circumstances that every alienated parent has to deal with. I hope this message brightens your day and know you are not alone in your struggles.

      • KathyC
        November 11, 2014 at 2:32 AM

        Trish, this comment couldn’t have come at a better time in my life. You speak what I know to be true. How do you deal with family members who have basically taken a side against you? Not in words but in actions. Cut them out too? It’s a cycle that must end, I’m so tired of it all.

      • Trish
        November 12, 2014 at 3:46 PM

        It’s a fine line for sure. But when you are being emotionally abused by anyone blood or not at one point you have to take care of yourself. Realize that this behavior has been ingrained into children who are very vulnerable and the person who is alienating them is psychotic so this behaviors are all the children know and they think it’s acceptable. The relationship will be hard to rebuild unless the children learn that they were emotionally abused and work to undo it.

      • Karen
        November 27, 2014 at 1:23 AM

        I am going through the exact same thing – my 13 year old son just told me he doesn<t want to see me anymore- and my ex has been doing his best for me to not be able to see him nor have any contact. I have mixed feelings and honestly there are days that I just feel like moving away so far it is not funny. I am already one hour away and thank God as even if I were closer it would hurt even more. My son is now using social services to manipulate me and to get his own way – imagine how this little guy is going to turn out – not a king child but an emporors child – obviousy social services take soley for the child who is manipulating and these young kids working there do not see clear. I believe there are people out there doing everything to rip families apart.

        As for now, I see a young boy who is going to end up abusing and using me – so I just may have to walk away- man does this ever hurt. Afterall, I had stayed home to raise both my children and I had completely forgotten myself – only to be left with a bit of alimony and no kids – struggling on my own.

      • Trish
        December 1, 2014 at 10:57 AM

        Hi Karen. Social services was called on me many times and after a while it was funny and the investigators would be obliged to check but they never spentorr than a few minutes and left. It didn’t change anything and my ex just kept my son away from me. Right now you need to concentrate on your self and getting it together for you. I am not saying forget about your son but realize any relationship you may have with him in the future may be different than what you expected. I know my son will talk to me and see me from time to time but his father has taught him to be lazy and get what he can out of other people. My daughter has written me off and has been alienated badly. Think about what you need to do for you now and what will make Karen more secure both mentally and emotionally. My faith has helped me as well but you need to find your own strength. I never thought I would be able to but eventually did. Please send me a note anytime you want to chat and take care. Trish

      • Karen
        December 2, 2014 at 6:12 PM

        Wow Trish those are powerful words as well as encouraging ones- thanks- you just know what to say and thoroughly understand- it is awesome.I am focusing on my business right now- you see I am a Professional interpreter and translator from French to English and vice versa. I’d say that criminal court interpretation has been quite the therapy- meaning that I see worse cases and people who are extremely hurt and sick in life. I still have my health and energy.

        I am back in court on account of social services- there is a Young girl about 22-23 ( still in diapers) who thinks she knows everything and tries to give me documents only in French – I of course refuse to sign documents in French and require them in English – afterall there are 2 official languages in Canada. I see my son who is being encouraged to make an emergency call or manipulative call to SS when he wants to get his own way – you see when he comes to my place, I make him do some written English and help out with a few chores. So, he turns around calls SS to tell them he is bored at my place etc – they turned around and applied emergency measures – IMAGINE!! I told the Young girl that my son is manipulating and lieing as I take him to a prestigious social club, to shows, muséums, golfing etc.

        She thinks kids should not go to muséums and that golf is absolutely not for kids- Vince has been playing since he was 6 years old and he is now 13. He has always dreamed of going to the championships and I had him volunteer his time this summer at the World Golf Championship – since he is fluent in French and English- they had him work as a T.V.Spotter – and The Golf Channel. As you can see, this is not a SS case- but one rather for mediation and soul searching.

        Anxious to hear from you.


      • Trish
        December 3, 2014 at 1:00 PM

        Hi Karen. My experience is similar even in the US in Florida. The judge that was her in my case over the years was discipline many times for going behind parents and actually talking to children without their consent. I didn’t find that out till probably about a year ago. In addition Department of children and families were called many times by my ex. When my daughter particular was not respectful I would send her to her room and as a result of that my ex called children family services saying that I locked the children in their bedrooms. Of course when they came they saw several unlocked doors and as a result that investigation was closed. Another time my ex called and actually I heard him on the phone being taped telling my daughter that he was going to call children and family services to have them taken away for me. Of course this tape was never admissible in court however it was part of my telephone set up. A few months later children family services came to my house stating that they had received a complaint that my children are starving to death. I asked the investigator had he ever seen my children? He replied no and I showed him a picture of two children who are a bit pudgy. And then proceeded to show in my pantry in my refrigerator which were stocked full of food that only frozen but fresh. I think proceeded to explain to the investigator that I was a combination of French Italian and Spanish and it would certainly be against my culture to starve my children. He instantly broke out in laughter and again so I can investigation was closed. So Karen I have absolutely shared your pain and I can tell you that the truth usually wins out in the end. Since we share common heritage I would like to get in touch with you we can talk further would you be willing to do that? I hope for the best and wish you the very best wishes and extreme calmness in the situation because I know that having people to talk to and support you is just so critically important. I didn’t have the site when I was going through all this and I am really blessed to have it now in my life. Take care of yourself Trish.

      • Karen
        December 7, 2014 at 5:30 PM

        Hi Trish,
        I,d love to talk – honestly. I am in Canada however.

        Does that cause a problem for you?

        You know, it is so painful being alone like this and of course my son was my last hope.. I think I will have to wait another 10-15 years – by then I’ll be 60-65 and things won’t really matter anymore as both will have settled and gone on with their lives being used to not having their mother.

        I am so enraged at the court and family services system that it is outrageous.

        This Christmas, I am not even going to be around- after what just happened in court last week – my son refused to come or my birthday neither one called or came to see me – now it is not my turn for Christmas – quite frankly a normal person would at least go see their mother on Christmas day even if it were for 30 mins.

        I am supposed to have Vince for New Years and I have not plan on being around then – I will be elsewhere and do not see why I should have to rush back just for him and then to be told that he doesn’t want to come over because we do too much or it is too boring. I am fed up of the manipulation. So, I have decided to think only of myself as odd as this seems and hurts both at the same time.

        Thanks for your reply earlier.



      • Trish
        December 13, 2014 at 3:19 PM

        Hi Karen. It shouldn’t be an issue to talk to you in Canada but I can check with my phone provider. I wonder if there is any way to give you my number without posting it on this board? I am studying for finals right now but would love to chat any time after the 16th!

  50. Tay
    November 3, 2014 at 4:42 PM

    I don’t know that you can ever give up. I’ve fought for four years to bring my children away from their demons. And two and a half years ago, my ex finally walked away. Then he remarries and suddenly he’s back with vengance and I walk away from a hearing where I asked to no longer be subjected to their bullying, their demands and the harassment that my children, my significant other and his children have endured, false DHS allegations and three hearings in four years, all of which I never filed for, only defended myself. only to have my attorney throw me under the bus and my children ripped from my life. I just have to keep hoping that what I did in those two and a half years will make a difference between what they are told and what they believe.

  51. Ron K
    November 10, 2014 at 4:36 AM

    The last time I was on here, I related to all about the destruction of a nation. The break up of the family unit is the first thing to go. I have a daughter that is so abusive I couldn’t even describe it here, TinyC has it correct, and PAS lives on with people just saying they can’t do anything about it. The disrespect I have received is shadowed by the disdain my former souse has for me. Coming back from being in combat a complete mess, and trying to sort my life out was next to impossible. My former spouse as a VA nurse used my disabilities against me in every way possible. I told the VA what she was doing, and they didn’t care. No wonder the suicide rate of veterans is so high.

  52. Ron K
    November 12, 2014 at 10:39 AM

    I will be leaving this site, since none of you seem to grasp the enormity of what is going on here. I think it is organized, and know it is a method to tear this country down. If no one believes, and believe me I have tried to tell you, then I am done.

    • KathyC
      November 18, 2014 at 4:09 PM

      Ron, I see the “bigger picture” you are getting at, I really do. As an alienated parent, my abuser/alienater has 100% organized and calculated everything I’ve endured with respect to this. Society, the court systems, so called friends and support, and even family have given him the green light to do so. By doing nothing they send the message that “it is ok”. They support this behaviour instead of condemning it.

      A fundamental right, every good parent should have, to be able to love, communicate and freely have a relationship with their child is taken away. Is this the start of a breakdown of a nation? YES! When a fundamental core gives way to corrupt values and destruction, there is little hope for future generations. I hope my alienated kids never have children of their own.

      You have adult children, not everyone is at that point yet to see the outcome. My kids are young but I have prepared myself, knowing there isn’t going to be a happy ending with them. My only hope is faith in that the entire world is not like this, that good people exist. These are the people I try and surround myself with.

    • November 22, 2014 at 8:36 PM

      Hi Ron …… we DO understand the enormity of what is going on here – my heart goes out to you as it does to everyone here ……. With our ex-partner, friends, family and other proxys working over many years to alienate our kids against us, there is little we can do but stand firm in our truth ……. our own kids are accomplices in this !!!!!!!! …. there is little we can do. I often find myself desperate for others to understand, but the more I do, the more I play into the hands of these abusers …… And it is abuse; even from our own kids. Maybe one day, collectively we will see something that we can do, but until that time, we must remain vigilant and true to ourselves, our integrity and our truth.

    • January 13, 2015 at 11:31 AM

      Ron, just remember the words of hate are from their mother. I know it hurts, be thankful you are with the vengeful woman.

    • Karen
      January 18, 2015 at 7:18 PM

      Ron – there is a movement in Quebec- Canada that is underway and they have proof of how social services and all the other actors involved are crooked and the corruption is enormous. I am in the same situation as you and it makes us good people look like the rotten ones – i know 100% believe me – you re not alone.

  53. trisha
    December 28, 2014 at 8:14 PM

    It has been a difficult Christmas. I have never posted a comment to anything on-line before. Perhaps that demonstrates my need for support after five years of great pain. I hear so much sadness and grieving in the posts and it all sounds so familiar to me. At the same time I finally see there is someone else who knows how this hurts. In an odd way that gives me hope. I have lost two of four children throughout this horribly painful process and can see the third is on his way. I feel unable to influence him except to reinforce the need for basic human values and educate my child to the tactics often used in these situations according to my experience and what I read. I imagine many of you probably count me lucky to still have two of my children and I am. The sadness and my own inability to move on without the other two in our lives absorbs a great deal of my attention however. I wish I could come up with practical solutions to prevent what I am certain will be the taking of the third child through the manipulation and brainwashing. If anyone can help please let me know.

    • Felicia
      January 1, 2015 at 1:47 AM

      Hello Trisha: My ex husband has alienated my only child from me and my relatives. I saw the signs over the past two years. I had the worse Thanksgiving and Christmas and pray each day that GOD intervene. I am grieving, do not sleep much, feel withdrawn, and I feel as though no one understands this pain. My ex husband has a ruthless attorney who enables him in the alienation and to make my life a living nightmare. My ex has a history of child abuse, domestic violence, but he still calls all the shots when it comes to my child’s well being. I have been fighting this battle for a year now and it has worn me out mentally and financially. I sometimes want to give up and just except things for the way they are, but then I read stories like yours and others who have experience this PAS(should be a crime) which makes me want to continue my fight for my only child!

      • Trish
        January 2, 2015 at 1:30 PM

        Hi Felecia. It is definitely exhausting and the one recommendation to stay the course is to take care of yourself at least in one way Maybe that is exercise, counseling, or whatever finds you peace. For me my faith helped me to stay strong and I was lucky to haven second husband who stayed during this insanity. It still amazes me how the courts refuse to see what is going on with alienation. It’s as if they believe that their court rooms will be even busier if they address it. In reality they will be less busy if they simply threw the alienating parents in jail for a number of years and provided support to the alienated so they could resume a healthy relationship with their children! I wish you the best my dear and my prayers are with you for peace.

  54. skooter
    January 7, 2015 at 1:02 PM

    I am a victim of this horrible disturbing lifetime event. I greive deeply into my bone marrow. Words cannot express the pain I have endured. Therapy only one true judge in this for those who are victimized, GOD, He loves his innocent children…….as for the judges in our courtrooms, what a joke….our legal system is not worth a flip. I’v upand cringe at the very thought of the day my daughter seeks redemtion

    • January 13, 2015 at 11:15 AM

      Skooter I feel your pain. I find solace in the fact that if some is capable of doing this, their life must be pretty shit!

  55. skooter
    January 7, 2015 at 1:09 PM

    I am a victim of this horrible disturbing lifetime event. I greive deeply into my bone marrow. Words cannot express the pain I have endured. Therapy only one true judge in this for those who are victimized, GOD, He loves his innocent children…….as for the judges in our courtrooms, what a joke….our legal system is not worth a flip. I cringe at the very thought of the day my daughter seeks redemtion . It was one thing for my X to manipulate and decieve, but a whole new bowl of wax once my baby girl addopted her mothers personality and became the mouth piece of hatefull idiology endives by years of misguided revenge. All my heart all my soul, TABITHA ROSE…..you’ll always be…..COCA DI PAPA!!!

  56. Anur Alli
    January 9, 2015 at 12:08 AM

    My GP hasn’t heard of parental alienation syndrome. This needs to be acknowledged in the medical industry. It’s a start atleast.

  57. Samantha
    January 13, 2015 at 11:12 AM

    I am the stepmother of two daughters, one of which has been totally alienated towards her father and the other daughter is still being groomed, she has not yet succumb to her mothers bitterness. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. I have had had to put up with things being taken from our home without our knowledge, spying and now apparently I am the reason why this is happening. The courts so far have not seen through the mothers lies, they do not recognize PAS. My partner and I feel hopeless, I believe the mothers end goal is to break us up, thankfully each time we get knocked down, it only makes us stronger.

    • Renee
      January 29, 2015 at 1:51 AM

      I am also the stepmother of one daughter, who was alienated from her father & I. She lived with Dad, then us, never with the mom. Oh, Mom tried 6 times to change that. She finally succeeded when my daughter was 15. Promised her the world and told her that Dad & I would pay for it. She even twisted the Guardian et Litem, who previously wouldn’t let the girl go live with her mother. I saw the Guardian about a year after she moved. When she asked how it was going, I told her the awful truth. We hadn’t seen the girl in over 10 months. She missed 5 months of school, was so sick she used a walker, etc. etc. (the diagnosis was stress and only stress). The Guardian was appalled, said she had no idea this would happen. I called her a liar and reminded her of what she had told us just 2 years earlier.

      Fast forward 4 years. My daughter missed so much school, but was able to graduate because of the school’s lackadaisical attitude. She has reconnected we us, but the relationship will never be what it used to be or what it could have been. She is damaged for life. Yes her mom did a bang up mental job on her. I shudder to say what I would like to do with the mom. My daughter just moved in with her boyfriend, he doesn’t like the mom. He’s been patiently trying to help my daughter. It will be a rough road for her for the rest of her life and we will be here for her as we always were.

  58. No More
    February 12, 2015 at 11:19 AM

    Brief history…we were married for 13 years, he was never involved with children’s upbringing, I had constant put downs, from the meals not good enough, criticism of my family, house had to be cleaned everyday, no childrens toys lying around !?!! My social life was non existent, rare occasion I did go out with friends I was afraid to return, he would wait up and question as to where I had been, with who, becoming verbally absusive. He craved attention from women, and would flirt openly in front of not only myself, but our children. He actually said he has to beat women off with a stick, my children still recall this.The final straw came one family holiday abroad, the children were all under the age of 10. The flirting and drinking with other women, whilst we sat and watched. Our children crying as they were tired ( dark, late at night and a foreign country ). Again, he became verbally abusive, threw money at me and informed make our own way back to the apartment as he was having a drink. How I walked those dark, empty streets with three children, I will never know. He rolled up hours later, shouting racist remarks at neighbours and very worse for wear. The next day, no apologies, no mention. This is one example of his behaviour over the course of our relationship. A few months after this holiday I walked out on him. Not long after I discovered he had numerous affairs during our marriage. Our divorce was 20 years ago, during that time he has alienated my eldest child from me. Too many things to say, but my eldest has been brain washed over the years as many others here on the site have seen, with regards to myself…I have treated my eldest no differently from my other children. He knows I love him very much, I will never give up that love. My ex has tried to alienate my second eldest over the years, and sadly I can now see this going to the same way. I have not seen my ex for almost 10 years, but he continues to get to me through our children, the cycle continues, they have leant to treat me the same as my ex, I am ridiculed, critised, laughed at, they tell their father everything about my life. If I try to defend myself the abuse escalates so I have learnt to remain quiet. I now have a grandchild to my eldest, I was not allowed to see her for a week after her birth, first glimpse of her on FB !! …ex had full access, the day we went to see her for the first time, she was passed to me over the top of my DIL’ s head. Not one photograph has been taken of me and my husband with my grand daughter ( been together since divorcing ex 20 years ago ). Family occasions, such as grand daughters first birthday celebration, we were not invited nor told anything about it, until we see posts on fb ( now deleted account as it is too painful ). We were originally told that my eldest, DIL and granddaughter were spending the day alone with her as they wanted no drama !! ChrIstmas just past, eldest called to see what we would like for Christmas, this is the first time we have been asked this question as we normally receive nothing !! We discussed what we would all like to give and receive as gifts. The day arrived to exchange gifts, we received nothing, whilst they sat and opened our gifts to them, no apologies, reasons why no gifts etc…Me second eldest has recently informed me that my ex is constantly wanting information about me ( he remarried 15 years ago ), informed my AC there us no reason for this and it has to stop. His wife is another thorn in my side, she has over the years tried to replace me as their mother. Mother’s Day, eldest sends step mum cards and presents…I…nothing for 20 years. Same with my birthday. I go round in circles, it is only the last couple of months I have tried to tell my children some truths regarding their father, ( for 20 years I have let them figure their own minds up, but to no avail ). Sadly things are no better, the last 20 years are now starting to affect my health. Trying to let go but it is very difficult. But how many more times do we have to go through this process of grief ? Sadly, I now worry for my grand daughter, I can forsee things getting no better, the last thing I want is for this little girl to be used asthenosphere dangling carrot. It breaks my heart but I am considering cutting all contact as I cannot bear to sit and watch any more lives being torn apart.

  59. jallisonphd
    February 26, 2015 at 4:16 PM

    I am SO relieved to find this site. Alienation from a child is a grief like no other. I’ve felt like no one understands: “You need to move on with your life”, “Let Go and Let God.” Separation from my daughter is a constant, open cycle of grieving with short reprieves. Thank you, J

    • trisha
      February 28, 2015 at 2:24 AM

      J. I feel like you hit the nail on the head. For me this is a cycle of grief with short reprieves. I want to wake up and not immediately think of them or when I have a free moment, then not to immediately think of them. If this is my future then at least I wish I could turn down the pain. I gave up believing it would go away but if I could just decrease it enough to live again. I can never imagine entering another relationship either. Not after this experience. How could you explain this is a way that would make sense to anyone.

  60. jallisonphd
    March 1, 2015 at 7:50 AM

    Trisha, I just wrote a very long reply, but it didn’t post 😦 It’s late now. I will try to reconstruct it again. Basically, my daughter will always be #1–relationship with another or not. I have limited time on earth with her and taking away from that time would only add more grief (I tried spreading out myself too thinly between her and dating. . . ). I have writing, dancing, singing, and crying to reprieve. I’m trying creative arts for some beautiful outlet. But in the end, my soul feels it will never rest. At time point. . . .

    • Karen
      March 2, 2015 at 12:46 PM

      Jallison, I think you are doing the right thing by keeping yourself busy – I call this cultural pain kilers – I do the same, I volunteer at the Orchestra and I end up going out with friends to the Opera as I get free tickets and the same goes for a variety of committees that I have become involved in.

      To my surprise- I told my kids that I was no longer bending over backwards and now they are seeking to come to me. I shall explain something I found extremely hard to do. Take what happens when you run after a dog- he only runs away further – (by the way it took me 4.5 years to understand this) – well I went to a mediation session with a judge and told everyone around the table that I had been fighting for 4.5 years, I had given up work on inservice days only to see my son who would decide not to come or my ex would either bring him real late.
      When I told everyone that I was getting more contracts as I am self employed and that things are really starting to move -I got up and said that they would be able to come when it was convienent for me and even if they wanted to come on an inservice day tjhat it could be quite likely that I just may not be available. Next, I said well, out of love I give up my right to make him come every 2 weekends – my son is 13. If he wants to stay at his fathers and not bother contacting me- fine he is free to make that choice however he is not free of the conséquences. Well Social Services and my Ex both chimmed in and said : Well he has to see his mother!! What a surprise. My son Vince just came this past weekend and it has been 3 months of abuse on his part and social sercvices who have applied abusive measure just to please my ex and my son who has learned how to manipulate all throughout this whole shitty mess.

      When they feel that you are becoming more distance which in reality means that you have come to the stage of acceptance – then this throws them a curve ball that they do not know how to handle and it gives you more power.How I pray Jallison that you soon come to this point.


      • Chris
        March 3, 2015 at 1:14 PM

        I applaud your determination to refuse to be abused any longer. I feel that Alienation teaches our children abuse of another persons feeling is ok, even towards your parent.

  61. March 5, 2015 at 11:32 PM

    Karen, in my lengthy reply which got lost while posting my short one.. .. .. I explained that I am now doing what you explained: not allowing to be used and on a leash (so to speak) determined by my daughter and ex. The results have been amazing. She’s seeking me out more, and expresses appreciation for me without prompting her! I appreciate your detailed description of your journey. As I read it, it affirmed my actions because I followed a similar approach. Thank you for your prayers. I am new to getting to this point. Hearing from you helps to know that I don’t have to be stuck. I still have a sadness within, but what’s changed is that I don’t feel desperate. Desperation causes me to do unhealthy acts (like ask her to say “I love you”, compare myself to the ex as if he’s perfect–which is insane). Your message reminded me of my daughter’s grief/growth cycle too. She has her own timeline, and I can’t and won’t force it. Forcing is unhealthy in life. Things are better in small ways. I’ll take em! ❤

  62. jallisonphd
    March 5, 2015 at 11:33 PM

    Dear Chris, thank you for joining the conversation Trisha and I were having. I hope to hear from you, and learn about your story too. ❤

  63. Barbara
    March 12, 2015 at 7:25 PM

    I live up in Ontario and things are not better here. My daughter moved out and I have not seen her in 1.5 years. She is 15. She refuses to speak to me at all. Her dad told her that I left to go drinking in bars and picking up guys, which is rediculous. He waged a campaign from the day I left him for being abusive. I took my kids and moved. Now my son who still stays with me week on and week off is on the same downward spiral. I know he won’t stick around. My son is so disrespectful to me, the same as my daughter was before she left.
    I have been through the legal system, and they ordered counselling, she refused to go, so that’s that. I was told by the office of the children’s lawyer that if I were to pursue this in court it would cost me about 80,000 and I would most likely still not have my kids. I feel like she died. I am sick with the thought of paying half my paycheck for kids I will never see. I know I won’t be able to live off what is left. I am very scared.
    Before I moved away from their dad I was their primary caregiver, I did all the cooking and cleaning and shopping and social organization and held down a good full time job. If I thought this would have been the outcome I would have stayed there and put up with it, at least I would have the love of my kids.

    • dea
      March 18, 2015 at 9:30 PM

      It’s strange that so many woman say that…(myself included) who knows what that future would have held, I predicted certain death, by my husband, but I guess this is no different, I have died many times over and find little to rejoice I. Some say, better to have my life for them to come back to, however if you can’t get outta the loop that keeps repeating, what’s the difference…getting stabbed, shot, ran down by a car…strangled…physical pain goes and so does the scars…when the bad guy has the kids (because of a slight case of coma) conveniently, they just send their friends after you for the rest of your life….so, no. It doesn’t matter and some of us could’ve predicted the future but you only have to convince a pompus judge for an hour not a lifetime that you’re an angel and not the devil. Motivation of courts is strictly money, not child welfare, it’s how there going to juice you the most…if they were any good at their jobs (remotely now) counties/districts would be broke by the first 90 days of the year!

  64. JBryan
    April 5, 2015 at 11:51 PM

    I’m a 54 year old male that has not seen or heard from my 33 year old daughter since my ex wife’s funeral in may of 2010. We terminated our relationship in 1991, our girl was 10 at the time. Since the time of the separation thru the divorce and thru the grueling times of child support and financial difficulty, the ex would always make it difficult for me to see my girl. She basically grew up with out me, except when the ex needed more than child support money, and I always paid my share, braces, school clothing, books etc. There were times when after everyone else was paid, I had less then $25 for me to get to my next pay day. I remarried in 1998, my daughter cried at the reception, but the next day while out to SeaWorld with my new wife and her two kids, things seemed okay. There always seemed to be some reason why she could not be happy when she was with me, either alone or with the new family. I remember one time while driving her to have Christmas pictures taken she jumped out of the car because she was determined this was not going to happen. she didn’t get hurt but boy talk about stubborn. The marriage with my second wife only lasted 1 year, she says even my own daughter did not love me, why should she. I have been alone since then. I have sent my daughter cards for every event that comes up thru the years and never receive anything back. while at the funeral of her mom, she died of cancer, she did not speak to me until I spoke to her, and she gave me a bogus phone number. I’m not a bad guy, I have tons of friends a good life, I have a decent job, make decent money, live in a decent house. I just don’t understand this whole alienation process she is going thru. and her not making any attempt to communicate to me what the problem is, I have given up. I think about her all the time. I have started the dating process again, at 54 it’s not easy. Dating conversations always come up with do I have any kids? How do you explain this? She has her second family, I recently went on the facebook hunt to try and find her, found her on my exwives friends families site, calling her the daughter they never had. so at least I have a recent photo of her. After seeing her picture and reading what I read, I felt like a stalker, and was mad at my self for even doing that kind of research, and now my self esteem is lower than ever. I’m not sure what to do, I’m her father, the only true family member she has. It’s been 23 years since her mom and I split up, and she is grown has her own life, inherited my ex’s home and her grandpa’s house in the ex’s will, so she has been taken care of financially thru the life insurance of her mom. so she doesn’t need me for any of those reasons, nor do I need her for any of those reasons. Is there such a thing that she just doesn’t like me and feels she doesn’t need me for anything? I started writing her a journal about my life and how and where I grew up, thinking if she was to read this maybe she might get to know things about me she doesn’t know. I was considering sending it to her, unfinished and make a comment that if she wanted to know more about me and her mom, to please write or call me sometime. I miss her mom, before she died her and I made peace with each other and I feel stronger about our relationship than I did while we were married. We were married right out of high school, we were each others first true love. I don’t know if our girl knows about how or where or why her mother and I met, how our relationship evolved to marriage or if she even cares. Does anybody want to chime in with some tips of there own on how they dealt with a similar situation I would appreciate it.

    • Barbara
      April 12, 2015 at 3:00 AM

      Hi JBryan
      I know how you feel about it all. My daughter is only 15 but I have not seen her in over 18 months. I keep hoping it will click in with her that I am a good person and that I care about her. Her dad has manipuated her to believe that I don’t care about her.
      I also send cards and emails and look for her on facebook and other such places. I am unsure what else to do. I am also in my 50s and unable to find a partner. What you said about when dates ask about if you have kids, I don’t know what to say. I have an 11 year old son who stays with me week on and week off. I think in the future I am just going to tell any potential dates that I only have one child, and down the road bring up the alienated child. I feel like I am admitting to being some kid of bad parent as what child would totally reject a good parent? I think about my daughter every day and I feel that this situation with her is getting between me finding love again as I can’t really focus on anything else and I end up talking about it alot, I can’t move on.
      I feel for you JBryan, you aren’t alone and I completely understand.

      • Trish
        April 19, 2015 at 11:32 PM

        I went through the same thing and has to explain what I went through with my alienated children such that it got to the point that I just didn’t mention them anymore. It was just easier and I didn’t have to face the judgement by others that I was just a bad mother or something. It got a lot easier over time and it was no ones business anyway.

      • Nicola
        July 13, 2019 at 3:52 PM

        Hi I’m in the Uk, both my mother and my ex have alienated my son. I gav3 up in March. I have only seen him once in person in the last 8 weeks. He hates me. I find it so hard I cry. It’s particularly bad at weekends as I’m not busy. He’s my little boy and love him dearly. I said to my friends it’s almost as if he’s died. I take my granddaughter to the same school he just ignores me, it was his school play, hi
        S report and he’s not invited me to any. I send him messages saying I love him dearly and I will always be here if he needs anything. He has given up replying. I’m heartbroken ….

    • Anne
      August 10, 2015 at 3:17 AM

      Please read Dr Craig Childress’s website and watch his you tube videos on parental alienation. He has extremely good validated theory on how this happens. It will help you understand that this was never about you not being a good enough parent. As Dr Childress says, a predator got in the way. The more people who learn how this devastating destruction of families works, the sooner the court systems will start recognising it and act accordingly. Everyone has their own desperately sad story but we need to fight for the bigger story to be recognised. If you can put your energies into the bigger issue so the court systems and therapists start recognising the problem our lost children might have a better chance of finding their way home. If Dr Childress’s work resonates with you, please start sharing it with your family, friends, therapists etc.

  65. Sam k
    April 14, 2015 at 10:22 PM

    after over 14 years to the best of my financial and emotional ability to involve my children in my life and them constantly rejecting me I had to let go.
    do not judge another until you walked a mile in his shoes. how sad for my daughter’s and I.

  66. Stephen
    April 16, 2015 at 5:31 PM

    Three daughters, ten year marriage, no fault divorce…slides into long distance secret child re-locations and every possible interference tactic to an Order for Shared Legal Custody and Liberal Parenting time. My daughters’ entire childhood is filled with re-location drama, physical custody exchange drama, and a trail of abandoned houses, friends, pets, schools, and the entire branch of their family. Every year she offered less time together, more distance and logistical hardships, less communication access, finally resulting in total isolation and sequestration, 3000 miles away. They have nothing to inherit but a very sad, and crazy story of one parent’s selfishness, and vindictiveness. I don’t think I will leave a grave site where they can come to desecrate their narrated memory of their father, I shall leave that on-line.

  67. 999Flynn
    April 26, 2015 at 7:51 AM

    Stephen are you still with us?

    Unfathomable yet we have to go on – it is the same story over and over.

    Vindictive ex decides to use the only thing they can destroy you with and then the kids line up with the most disturbing stories and the experts don’t know what to do.

    Then you have to pay extortion for the rape or go to jail.

    We only suffer because we have hearts that are beaten- what type of monster could live with themselves while they watch the children suffer.

    They are psychopaths that have become inflamed by the split.

    • Marty
      May 11, 2015 at 12:48 PM

      Please read up about the symptoms of a sociopath. I firmly believe that alienating parents who will turn kids against a parent are sociopaths. They do not have the ability to feel empathy for another human being, let alone for a person who hurt or angered them. They will use anything from gas lighting to playing the victim card. And the scary part is that they think they are doing it to protect their children from you, a loving parent. And I know you are a loving parent because you came across this blog while looking for answers because you cannot go on like this anymore.

  68. jon
    May 4, 2015 at 8:02 AM

    And this makes the point all too clear. im broke, alone, alienated, lost, afraid, heartbroken. She has taken it all, my soul is empty. My son is not mine anymore, I am an ATM. She has it all, I have no future nor path. The details are the same, i am currently paying 1400.00 a month for one child including errands. That only covers the interest. She has two homes, 3 cars, and all the luxury one could aspire too. My car finally died and the 3 hour bus ride to see my son once a month is crushing. Last lawyer did nothing while she broke court order after court order. I cannot fight any longer. after 7 years I just want it to end.

    • sarah
      May 9, 2015 at 3:26 PM

      I read all of your posts and wish there was an easy way out. I am stepmother living through this. After years of fighting it, we have succeeded to defeat. The court visits and the money spent in desperation, to see your children is so unfair. Until there is a way to make the perpetrators pay for their crimes, one just has to stay strong, keep up the love, if you get the chance and hope that one day the victims will see through the manipulation and try and make peace?

    • December 21, 2015 at 1:51 AM

      Sam. I feel your pain man!

  69. May 9, 2015 at 3:38 PM

    Scott I agree the courts provide no solution, they just fuel the manipulation. I am a mother too and I would never deny my child a relationship with her father. I wonder what makes a person so hateful?
    I come up with jealousy, inferiority, bitterness and narcissism. Of which there is no cure…

    • Renee
      May 12, 2015 at 2:30 AM

      Sarah, I am also a step mom who’s been through this with my husband’s child. Shes grown now and is slowly realizing what her mother did to her, to us and to the relationship we once had. We’ve agreed that the past can’t be changed so we are forging ahead and making a stronger relationship.
      Now I am watching my son go thru it with his ex. Same song and dance, different child. He’s moved on with his life and she can’t handle that coupled with the prospect of their son turning age in a couple years. She has to live with herself at that point and she doesn’t like it…mostly because she doesn’t like the person she is. Rather than change their lives, these alienators chose to destroy the people closest to them namely their children. That way they won’t be alone with the person they hate the most…themselves.

  70. trisha
    May 10, 2015 at 10:17 PM

    Scott, I feel your pain and sense of loneliness and despair. I completely agree with Trish. I didn’t know how to exist in a world where I wasn’t the mother to my children. I am beginning to take those tiny steps to move ahead without them. I hate to say this but things do get better over time. I know how little that helps right now. I use to cry every single day. Not anymore. I have done damage to myself due to the chronic suffering. Now I realize I have an obligation to care for myself.
    I wish you peace and you will smile again.

    • Dea
      May 14, 2015 at 7:14 PM

      I would like to know if there is a selfish rake your ex over the coals vindictive website where everybody learns this or is it natural? if there is a website we should go read it learn it and turn it over to get ahead (please notice I didn’t say practice the process, ew), or is that just the more expensive willing to do anything attorney from hell?

  71. Marty
    May 11, 2015 at 12:36 PM

    How many of us who are at the receiving end of parental alienation left the relationship because we were being emotionally and verbally abused? What has made us think that our abuser would stop when we left the relationship? I think parental alienations is another way to continue abusing us but in such a way as to make us virtually powerless. There is nothing my ex could have done to hurt me more than to take the love and close connection between me and my kids away. And it hurts every minute of every day. All I can say if that he does not need to say anything anymore to hurt me. His abuse is continuing all by itself through the fact that I am being hated by the two people I love most in the world. He has gotten the ultimate revenge for every imagined and real thing I ever did wrong in our relationship. In the last text he sent me he called me a whore, liar and thief. I can still forgive all the verbal abuse, the walking on egg shells, the fear, the shouting, the lying in bed wishing I could die inside so as not to feel anything anymore, the cold shoulder, the lack of affection and total lack of respect and love from him. I can forgive him for making me feel like I have been living in a desert for 25 years. But no, I do not forgive him for the fact that he convinced my kids to believe that I do not love them and did not want to be with them. He can do to me what he wants to, I don’t care. But letting my kids think their own mom doesn’t love them or is in any way inferior to any other loving mom, that is unforgivable. And it is a death sentence for me. And I wonder, is it even humanly possible for a parent to let go and accept that a child you have loved since before they were born, unconditionally and still love unconditionally ( I even have a lock of my daughters hair from her very first haircut in the pages of my bible) hates you. And for what? I thought I was standing up for myself against my abuser. Little did I know he would have the last laugh.

    • Dea
      May 14, 2015 at 7:45 PM

      Oh, my dear Marty…kindred is how I feel now to you. I assure you some days are good and some are bad, but remember the egyptian mother who refused to split her child in two?…She proved she was the real mother by her selfless acts. Just being a mother is sometimes painful and the reward is great, however the circumstances for us and others like us offer little if any reward and the circumstance are great spiked with peril and little or no discernable reward. But I offer that if you move onward do not close your heart, because you may only get one fleeting chance. like I had recently (amen) hadn’t seen them in over 7 years and my oldest-17 (or her shadow) came into my church on a -5 day…that hour was as profound as the birth had been and she was still my daughter after all this time, i found grave circumstances in the home and with her and she was worried about apologizing to me..to me? so dear…quick as that she had to sneak out and was gone again. A few months later she’d passed of a disease that runs in my family, one chance, all I got , and I had prayed for those missing years that shed know she was loved, afterward of course, I know my prayers were definitely answered, and I should have relied on and prayed for more than that but was afraid of being too needy or selfish, imagine by the big guy.

  72. trisha
    May 13, 2015 at 4:35 PM

    Marty, I feel like we share such similar feelings and experiences. I do not know if it is possible to let go as you say and accept your child doesn’t care. Maybe this is a process we have to try to do in order to keep going. I have tried everything I could possibly think of to reach my sons but with zero success and the pain was destroying me. Now I am taking small steps to try and move forward without them and with the destruction they have left me with. I can’t live normally yet but I hope that will come. I hope you can start to take those small steps to care for yourself. We all deserve happiness.

  73. Trish
    May 13, 2015 at 11:25 PM

    You are soo right with your comment. I agree with every word. It is a constant grief that is very hard to resolve since there is no casket but just constant reminders.

  74. Dea
    May 14, 2015 at 7:20 PM

    I just don’t understand the “fighting and ownership” of it, obviously it was a bad relationship, the kids are the greatest things, just go away and live your visitations as you will, don’t disturb mine etc… If the Exs didn’t want to be married and family in the first place why fight in the second place, totally don’t get it…and They say Dahlmer was a bad guy, he admitted (proudly his wrongs) and owned them (yes he was disgusting etc…,but even that garbage knew truth)-food for thought…literally

  75. Ken
    May 27, 2015 at 6:20 AM

    I am not sure that many could ever arrive at letting go of their own children. There is always the of a good parent that things might change. A Christian perspective helps keep this hope alive. .

    However, as many have observed, the family court system is a complete and utter disaster. Governments have encouraged divorce rather than maintaining practices and expectations that help keep families together. And fathers especially have little hope statistically of shared parenting of their own children after divorce or separation.

    Rightfully blaming lawyers, judges, and family courts will do little to save the many children and parents marred by PAS. Many must suffer before society realizes the cost to everyone and demands change.

  76. Dlp123
    May 30, 2015 at 11:06 PM

    I am both the mother and custodial parent of a 16 year old boy. His father and I divorced many years ago and co-parented very well together until four years ago. I always had an opend door policy for my son to spend as much time with his dad as needed to help him experience a close bond without restrictions with both of us. His father was not as involved with his schoolwork as I wanted and he spoiled our son with expensive gifts throughout the year, but I always knew spending money was how he showed love. I attempted to help our son learn empathy, compassion, and the importance of showing love through action without ever being critical of his father’s parenting unless he ever crossed a boundary when he became angry at times as all parents do. Four years ago, his father started dating a woman who seemed to be a great addition in my ex-husband’s life. As the two of them became closer, my son started struggling with bullying and depression. He was in the 6th grade which is the timeframe for current bullying trends. I was a very active advocate for my son and he and I became even closer. Even though the school did not comply with their own policies, my son felt very empowered due to my support and the methods he and I practiced using his own unique sense of humor to counter his bullies. He was somewhat successful, but the bullying escalated nonetheless. While his dad was concerned, he did not participate in school meetings nor did he discuss the bullying with our son. I assumed it was just too painful for him to deal with as was the case in other difficult situations. My son changed schools the following year and blossomed. For two years, my son and I enjoyed a very strong bond while he made many new friendships who celebrated his wonderful personality and encouraged his talents. He created an animation about the bullying he experienced and it won top honors in the International Student Media Festival. His father started spending less time with the two of us during holidays, but I viewed this as a typical result of his new relationship. As long as my son was happy and his father and I were still a united co-parenting team, I saw no reason to be concerned. Following that year, my ex-husband and his girlfriend moved in together. Everything started to go down hill very quickly. My son started performing very poorly in school after making straight As and started acting very disrespectfully towards me. Everyone assumed this was puberty, but something didnt seem right to me. My son became very depressed and I saught help from a therapist. I was afraid he had not fully dealt with the bullying and thought he was probably having a difficult time adjusting to his dad’s new living arrangements. While his depression got better, his anxiety became worse along with his anger towards me. He ultimately became violent towards me and I felt It was in both of our best interst for him to live with his dad during the week while spending weekends with me. While I continied to take my son to therapy in attempt to reestablish our relationship, he continued to pull away from me. My son did ultimately open up regarding negative comments and jokes his dad and girlfriend were making about me daily. Even more concerning were the conflicting stories he was being told about past events with me which were untrue. I attempted to comfort him while also clearing up any misinformation. My son became filled with rage towrds his dad and said he has spent his life hearing his dad talk about me as if I were an idiot. I was shocked. It never occured to me that his dad spoke poorly of me even prior to his new relationship. I confronted his dad. While he did not deny nor confirm the stories, he did deny the daily nagative comments. I made it very clear this was emotionally damaging to our son and it was his job as his father to teach him respect for women especially his mother in order for him to one day have a healthy marriage. I was suddenly cut off from all family holidays. My son slowly stopped wanting to spend time with me altogehter. He never mentioned the negative talk about me again. Fast forward two years later, despite many attempts to peacefully resolve the alienation I have experienced, I barely see my son anymore. He rarely answers my text messages and his father will not speak to me on the phone unless he is driving home from work and his girlfriend is not with him. Legally, I remain the custodial parent. I could make my son come back home. However, my son is full of so much anger which he channels towards me, I know this will only create more hostility. My son appears almost delusional and his memories of our life together are virtually nonexistent. He believes he has repressed memories of my emotional abuse. My mother nas attempted to reach out to him, but he discounts her as well. I’ve offered to get him help to work through these memories. If I could get him help with a therapist trained in parent alienation, ultimately, the truth would come out. However, he refuses to talk to anyone and his father is noncompliant. His father responds to me as if I am overreacting. He simply says our son is going through a phase. I spent my birthday, Thanksgiving, my son’s birthday, and even mother’s day without my son. I did spend Christmas night with my son, but he went to bed early without eating any of his favorite foods or opening presents. The next morning he did open presents and seemed excited but left soon after against my wishes to be with his friends. The next morning, he called his dad to come pick him up several days early while I was still asleep. I woke up while he was leaving and he left all his presents from me behind. This was only the third time I had even seen my son in four months. All three visits totaled four nights. This is not a typical phase especially as close as we once were. I have no idea what action to take which would be in my son’s best interest. I do not have the financial resources to hire an attourney and the tactics my ex-husband now uses are more subtle. I dont want to force my son to come home leaving him vulnerable to Juvenile legal action due to his violence towards me. He needs help, but not juvenile detention. My mother is a social worker in another state. I know how the juvenile system works very well. My therapist is also not sure how I should proceed. I can’t convince my son we were once close while he continues to hear conflicting information from his dad and his girlfriend. My son is so confused and obviously conflicted. He’s failed three classes this year and probably will not graduate despite being highly gifted. I’m a teacher and I know what he is capable of achieving academically. I’m so worried about his emotional stability and how this is impacting his ability to have a healthy and happy life. I am completely devistated and would love to hear from anyone who has been in my place. I’ve only posted my story one other time and was shocked by the comments made by complete strangers accusing me of causing my son’s behavior. I would greatly appreciate compassionate responses. I work with disabled children for a living and have dedicated my life to advocating for children. Thank you.

    • KathyC
      May 31, 2015 at 6:01 AM

      Dlp, please understand that this is not your fault. I too, have come across some really ignorant responses to my PAS story. I’ve come to accept that the majority of people, cannot understand it. Unless they’ve experienced it firsthand, or are close to someone who has, trying to explain it is a lost cause.

      I am a mother to 2 daughters (ages 8&11) who I lost to PAS. I haven’t spoke or seen them in nearly 2 years. My ex and I have been separated for 6. He was an abusive man and alcoholic when I was with him. He did not have an interest in being a father to them while we were together. When we separated, we had a court order that gave him visitation and phone access. His visitation was supposed to be supervised by his mother until he was cleared by a psychiatrist or psychologist. I also had a protection order against him because the abuse was so severe and he continued to threaten me. Despite the past abuse, I followed the court order. I had the girls call him 2x/week and he was able to obtain whatever information he wanted on them (school, medical, activities). We lived 5 hours apart and he had monthly visitation, 1/2 holidays and 2 weeks during the summer. For the first 3 years he only saw them 2-3 weekends/year and maybe 1 week during the summer.

      He tried relentlessly to make my life a living hell. He called Social Services on me numerous times for ridiculous accusations. Each time, it was investigated and dropped. My oldest daughter was seeing a physchiatrist and he harassed the psychiatrist to try to get him to make bogus accusations of me and my new husband. It didn’t go anywhere but the psychiatrist was not impressed. In 3 years he took me to court 24 times, citing these ridiculous accusations. Each time, his case was thrown out. The last time in the jurisdiction we dealt with from the beginning, the judge told him not to come back to the court room unless there was a legitimate change that needed to be made.

      In the meantime my oldest daughter was having issues. She became very secretive and started to do some horrible things towards my husband and I. We continued to try and get her help but her behaviour continued. It became clear that her behaviour was stemming from ideas put into her head by my ex. It’s hard to understand how she was so influenced by him, how easily she was brainwashed. She tried running away numerous times and in her mind believed fictitious events made up by my ex. We had so many good memories and she was choosing to believe in things that never even occurred. She made every day awful and it affected the entire family, I had my younger daughter and my husband had kids from before too. The last time she tried to run away, my ex served me with papers for custody of her. I did not contest it. I had exhausted every avenue and she was getting the best professional help available without any improvement. I had to think of the other children, it was not fair to them to endure the torture she brought on. I thought that maybe the environment with my ex was better for her as she would be able to have more one on one attention. So, a court order was drawn up and he got custody of her and I kept custody of our younger daughter.

      I hoped that this would be an end to the constant chaos and for a while it was. I was an idiot and said I didn’t need child support anymore, even though I made $30,000 and he made $100,000. I wanted to move on and was trying to be amicable. Financially I was ok, but in hindsight maybe things would have turned out differently if he didn’t have money to buy off a lawyer/judge. I did not have much of a relationship with my oldest daughter as it was controlled by my ex. When I did talk to her or see her she was rude and disrespectful. Sometimes I would call, and on the rare occasion I was able to speak with her I could hear ex coaching her to be rude. I had shared parenting rights but he found a way to block me from receiving any information about her. I requested report cards at least 6 times from the school, and although promised they never ever showed up.

      At home with my younger daughter and step kids things were peaceful. We were able to carry on life as a family unit. The community knew what had happened with my oldest daughter but they knew how deeply disturbed she was and didn’t question my actions. She caused major waves with almost everyone she interacted with, and left horrible lasting impressions. The peace lasted roughly a year. Ex only saw our youngest twice during that time. I felt I had moved on with my life. My youngest daughter went to visit her dad for 2 weeks in August 2013. The drop off point was at a service station and I remember feeling like something awful was going to happen. I couldn’t put my finger on it and reassured myself that it was only 2 weeks and I would see her again. I hugged her tight in the rest room of the service station, I still remember the feel of her tiny body in my arms and the smell of her strawberry shampoo. I told her I loved her and would miss her and we proceeded out to the vehicles where her dad’s girlfriend was waiting. That was the last time I saw her.

      A few days before I was to pick her up, I was served with papers claiming that my ex had temporary custody until a court date a week away. He made up an abuse allegation against me in his jurisdiction, got an emergency ex partie order granted and was awarded temporary custody without me having any knowledge this was even happening. I couldn’t even defend myself. This was not supposed to even be possible, switching jurisdictions. It is mind boggling how a judge can make a judgement like that without even taking into consideration all the stuff that happened in the other jurisdiction. Worst yet, this judge was assigned to always handle our case. Corrupt. Anyways, the following week I attended court only to be told that since my youngest daughter was already living with her dad, that we would need an assessment done for both living locations and I was responsible for the cost IF I wanted them to even consider moving back with me. The cost came in around $20,000 and after seeking legal advice I opted against getting it done. When I asked about the abuse allegations, the judge chuckled and said there was no grounds for them and “it was just the sisters plan to be together”. A 9 and 7 year old did not make that plan. To make things worse she didn’t even order a visitation schedule. She said I had “generous access” which translates to no access as it is controlled by my narcissistic ex. As expected, I have also been blocked from my youngest daughters life completely. Somehow, both daughters have taken on the abusive role of my ex and I am not willing to tolerate the abuse. Once in a while their school “accidentally” phones me and relays how poorly emotionally their doing. Once they realize who they are speaking to it gets quiet, and they never send reports of anything they promise to.

      It is sad, but I have let go enough to where I can function and feel happiness again. My husband and I moved away and started over fresh. I know not everyone can do this but it has helped tremendously with the coping. For some time, I really did contemplate ending my life, I’m glad I didn’t! We have been blessed with 2 wonderful children of our own and it’s a struggle when asked how many kids I have, to respond with “2” and not “4”. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. It hurts to know how messed up my daughters are. But, I’m at peace with my actions. I’ve thought out all the scenarios in my head and there is nothing I could have done differently, without ending up with the same outcome or worse.

    • BruisedbutnotBroken
      July 10, 2015 at 5:51 PM

      I am going through this as we speak. It was just a month ago when my son left for visitation and now has decided that I’m an evil monster and wants to live with his dad and not see me. I saw this start happening two years ago, but didn’t know that there was a name and a way to combat PAS. I feel at a loss now and don’t even know who or what I’m fighting for. I’m tempted to call my lawyer and say just give them what they want. I feel so defeated after being in court for over a year trying to prove I’m the good mom that I’ve always been. My son doesn’t remember anything good about me anymore.

      • Adele
        July 14, 2015 at 10:32 PM

        I know exactly what you are feeling. I was served papers last August (on my bday – what a great guy) to change custody of my 13 yr old son after 7 years of divorce. Suddenly my son will not have anything to do with me. After 5 months of trying to convince my son that all the bribes his dad was giving him were just to turn him against me. I had to stop the bleeding- money and heart ache. I let him go. I’ve been working through every emotion since he moved on Jan 1. 7 months and I’m still blind sided by little things that make me miss him so much I just start crying- even at the grocery store.
        I told my son that I will always have an open door for him, but I don’t expect him to understand until he is old enough to move out of his dad’s and think for himself.
        I feel relieved to know this group is here. I don’t feel so alone in my pain.
        Good luck to you.

  77. auntkimmyg
    June 15, 2015 at 7:53 AM

    I am so glad that people are finally talking about this situation.
    I had not seen or talked to my daughter for over 5 years, now we are slowly building our relationship.
    My ex-husband did everything possible to keep her away from me. Told her horrible horrible lies about me, he tried to ruin my standing in the town we live in and he is a Police Officer!!!
    I missed 5 precious years of her life. I missed her first boyfriend and first kiss, all of her High School years. I missed helping her pick out a perfect Prom dress, Homecomings, dances and even her graduation!! But I never gave up or will give up where my only child is concerned. I agree with the article, at times I grieved as if she was dead. I would find out tidbits of her life through mutual friends. Did I mention that he also had her alienate MY entire side of the family, yep it was awful!!!
    It was not until she moved out of his house that she contacted me. It was just this past Christmas (2014). I had been speaking to one of her friend’s on Facebook, not knowing that my daughter was living with her. This friend somehow talked my daughter into calling me. I will never, ever get a better Christmas gift – ever!!!
    We are taking it slow, working together to undue all the damage that has been done. So please don’t ever give up, you never know when you might get that phone call.
    Thank you for shining a light on a VERY real injustice.
    Kim Gorman

    • Trish
      June 25, 2015 at 1:34 PM

      Am praying for all of you that are suffering and have suffered this loss that no one can seem to understand unless they have been through it. I don’t think I have recovered from it myself although I do have some contact after 8 years with my son who was ripped from my life at age 10. My daughter and I don’t speak. It’s all about what is in it for her financially and this she has learned from her psychotic father. My son still lives with him and can’t keep a job. It’s weird to have grieved your children and then have conversation with them after years. You wind up withdrawing and not feeling like a parent anymore. It’s scary and I think an outcome of the trauma. I do the best I can to be in touch with him but I struggle at times Don’t want to get what remains of my heart ripped out I suppose. There is only so much a person can take and my best advice is to talk to someone professionally so they can at least listen and not judge. Best and heartfelt prayers for all.

  78. Roger S.
    June 17, 2015 at 3:02 PM

    At the end of a 3 year divorce, my x-wife poisoned my then 19 yr old daughter and 15 yr old son against me. I came to realize everything during the ugly battle was fed to them by their mother’s probably with intense emotion. Yes it was ugly, I was awful, but she too was just as evil (and probably even more evil if I gave details). There was just no one there showing them both sides. It’s done now and my children have not seen me in almost 4 years. My son has no communication. Each time my daughter writes me (digital) I don’t help my position (she won’t call or see me). Married 28 years, an excellent participating father with my children. A great provider.., they never went without (and probably too much). And I am sure it asked they would support this (it is not about any type of abuse or anything – and while she left me for another guy, I think it was over before that – I could not live in a loveless relationship with the continuous other men)… I’ve lied plenty during divorce but the lawyers (liars)… they lie to each other, lie in court, and make it happen to keep the war going so they get paid more… Such crap you can only learn once I am certain.

    So now dealing with this “rejected parent” situation. I am nearing the “giving up”. I feel like I am starting to lose those good memories of my family. I am certain they must be concentrating on the recent vs. most of their lives with me. Yes, I did plenty wrong but I did get professional opinions and did what they said and it did not work. She just really did a number on them! Now the kids have both moved out and they won’t give me address or phone numbers. I had been sending mail, gifts, etc to their mother’s house, but I don’t even think they get it.

    I don’t think I have 14 years before I let go like Sam. So sad it is to hear that you went that long. I sometimes feel like I just want it all to be out of my head so I can build and enjoy some new memories. I have my girlfriend of almost 4 years in my life with her children (grown and out in the world). And now their children (becoming my grandchildren as I participate in their growing up).

    I am almost 55 and still on the emotional roller-coaster… get to thinking may be they will call me this fathers day… (this will be 4th with no call, card, contact I am sure). I reached out and have all letters sent them. Asking to meet, me fly there, fly them here. pay everything… just a face-to-face (I feel like that will work). No reply… I am now down to card at birthday to them. Have pre-paid college fund for my son in FL, but not going to use it. A college degree… Still pay insurance, car club, etc. Never a thanks, never a note. When should I stop that???

    Rambling, its almost father’s day I guess.

  79. Paul Lyman
    July 1, 2015 at 7:37 PM

    I am a simple guy and I am not very good at articulating my feelings especially around my court case to gain visitation with my daughter. Thank you for helping me understand these complex feelings and myself. Well written.

  80. Crystal
    July 2, 2015 at 2:15 AM

    10½ years praying, fighting to be reunited with my son taken 3000 miles across the country by a vindictive ex-husband ( my sons step-parent). Becoming physically and mentally disabled, unable to work and unable to continue paying the $ required for legal help, being served child support order for my son that was kidnapped and constantly being threatened and hounded by child support enforcement, D.A., Judges, Sheriffs coming to my home to arrest me for contempt on not paying the support, hate mail from my ex stating that my son hates me and will never want to see me and to give up, my other son committed suicide while away at college just 15 months ago…even then my ex refused to allow any contact, wouldnt even let my (now) 15 year old son attend his older brothers funeral…This is the reality of my life. Being my childrens mom was my life force, my purpose, a cherished gift from God. Without my boys, living is no longer how I can describe the days..the nights…Its merely existing. The joy, excitement, compassion, love, hope, reason I once felt have long faded, time moves awkwardly with no definition of day or night, an hour…5 hours or a day…a week have to differences as they all just seem to run together. I have been punished seemingly sentanced to death for which no crime exists. Will my health hold out for that day, that may never come, that day he finds me and I show him the countless returned birthday cards, Christmas Cards, emails professing my love a want for him to be back home with his mother and brother that loved him and never stopped. Will he care? Will he listen? Will he come? Will I suffer the fate of my father who died so young from the same illness, he to never got the chance to explain to my little brother ( that was 13 when daddy passed) how much he loved him. Will I to die alone.

  81. July 12, 2015 at 2:56 AM

    I am having difficulty understanding why my other children still maintain a relationship with the daughter that alienated me….It feels like they are enabling her when they continue to befriend her…… I’ve read a lot on this subject and this is what most psychologist say……… “In a painfully ironic twist, when other family members demonstrate love and acceptance to a child who has alienated a parent, it gives the child the strength he or she needs to maintain his or her inflexible and hurtful position toward the one alienated.” ….It’s been 2 years….I have apologized, offered to fly her to see me to discuss it, continued to send gifts on holidays and birthdays, and all I get is silence…it is VERY painful….but for me the MORE PAINFUL part is that the other siblings don’t stand up for me…………would love to have some help with this….thank you, Kate

    • DrG
      September 30, 2018 at 5:40 AM

      Hey all, terrifying reading this all. Kate, so you would like the kids to alienate the child who is alienating you. Well you are as bad as the alienator and as guilty, surely. I have just been alienated from my 14 year old daughter, we were super close. My wife has for the last year pounded my daughter with all the nasty divorce information. I have a court order for rights to spend with my daughter. The mother has got my daughter to say she wants nothing to do with me. I have two sons who have told my wife if she says a bad word about me they will leave the table, house of situation. they have stuck by me. After reading this all I feel I should give up my daughter now. And move on. Why traumatized myself and reward bad behavior of my daughter by buying her birthday presents and going to see her ballet performances that I pay for. I feel bad behavior should never be rewarded by giving them anything, but I am no expert and all I know this hurts like hell

  82. Angela
    July 16, 2015 at 1:57 PM

    Are there any alienated grandparents,

    • forgottenmother
      July 17, 2015 at 1:51 PM

      Hi Angela, My daughter who is 15 now alienated me and has mostly alienated my mother who is 82. My daughter had a great relationship with her grandmother and spent alot of time with her. Now my mother sends her emails that she rarely returns, phones the house that she lives in and leaves messages that are not returned. The last time my mother called she was put on speakerphone by my ex and he was very rude to her, while the kids listened. He did the same to me many times, indicating to them that this is how we treat “these people.”
      My mother is devastated by the alienation and I can only hope that she can see the day when my daughter matures enough to see that I left due to an abusive relationship.

    • Renee
      July 19, 2015 at 10:00 PM

      We are. My son’s ex girlfriend is keeping us from our teen grandson. Her mother is helping her. Funny but the other grandmother had it done to her and hated it. But she thinks its ok to help do it to us. My son got married over a year ago and his ex girl is so jealous that she can’t control his life anymore. She’s told our grandson that his dad has a new family now and doesn’t need him. That he is all she has…and so on. Yet she’s been married for over 6 years! They are in court now. She’s asking for support going back to day 1, even though they lived together for 10 years and he’s been paying support for the last 3. She told her lawyer that she’s never worked at this one company but I produced a business card with her name as a manager. The she told him the grandson is here every other weekend. I was able to produce texts messages to show he’s only been allowed here twice this year. And she claims she’s been a homemaker for the last 10 years…then why did my son pay for daycare for 8 of those years. I went thru this once with my stepdaughter and now this. It’s like it never ends.

    • Roger smith
      July 23, 2015 at 11:56 PM

      Thanks.. My kids are older 18 & 24 (son/daughter). I was an excellent dad! Love filled our house, I spoiled them. Yes the end of marriage was a huge scar for them. Now 4 years no contact worth mentioning. Another Father’s Day past. Another birthday past. I don’t even know anything about them now. Locked out. It gets real thick! I feel like I must have really messed this up. I think about them every day all the time without exception. I need some peace so trying to let go. Ouch!

  83. kellu
    July 26, 2015 at 5:13 PM

    I’ve been fighting the courts for two years the child doesn’t even live with he dad lives why Mary gettle use to be my friend she using my ex to do the court hearing to keep my child they tell him what to say or do brain washed him against me

  84. August 9, 2015 at 6:12 PM

    I have been dealing with with for 20 years or more. It has gotten worse due to the gossiping new wife who is hell bent and has destroyed family relationships not just with my son, wife, and grandchildren but the inlaws have fallen into the same identical lies and I am shunned all they way around. Just the other day they came into town and I am always told that they are with each group of parents and split there time up because they live out of town. But I find the ex his wife anf my son’s wife’s family are all together the entire week outside from my time with my granddaughter. I have tried for years to put a stop to this. I have bent over backwards to try to make their visit a nice one and I get nowhere. I can’t take the 3 hours my son is supposed to be with me takes off to play golf with his dad or visits friends instead of me having time with me. I am at a loss. I can’t take anymore and have even considered taking them to court for defamation of character. It is created a depression, anxiety, and tears that I sometimes can’t stop. It can’t take the pain and it us so bad and I am treated with such disrespect even now from his wife because she is to young and believes everything the ex wife gossiping about me and says harassing thing to me acts out and trys to dominate my granddaughter. It has hurt me so bad that I am considering just remove myself from there live completely. I don’t know what to do. I was left in tears when they left the other day and noticed I am never photographed with my granddaughter but the exs wife us along with them and all the inlaws but me. This has been a petter of behavior that has been generational. A bad habit the had done the same identical thing to his own mother. Any advice? Do I sever ties. The pain causes me to feel like a failure when I am not. I have been labeled as the same as my ex husband’s mother took. I want to end my life because the pain hurts so bad. So I have thought about completly severing tie to my own son.

  85. Mahat
    August 12, 2015 at 9:13 PM

    I am about to give up. I am sick of the court doing nothing about the alienation and my ex-wife’s wanton contempt of court orders. It’s like they are blind. Either that, or they see it appear hamstrung to do anything about it.T

    he family court system has been the most ineffective thing I have ever paid for. It’s like beating my head against the wall trying to get the court and even my own attorney to be proactive and think ahead. They are sheep who blythely move one a well-trodden path of fee billing until the money runs out.

    My girls have not been in school for two years. Yes, TWO YEARS, and the court has done nothing about it. Why isn’t their mother doing jail time?

  86. eli
    September 5, 2015 at 3:14 AM

    I thought reading about parent alienation several times over the last couple years would help me, unfortunately it hasn’t. One doesn’t see a mother as the target most of the time but that’s exactly what I am. I hurt my exes ego and heart and am truly sorry for that but what he has done to my children I can never forgive. I won’t fight him in court because I don’t have the funds nor do I want to put my children through that, the divorce was enough. I did the joint custody where we have them an equal amount of time because he refused to pay child support but that wasn’t good enough. He had to manipulate my children to think that I was the “Devil” and didn’t love them, that I cared more about my friends and “boyfriends”. I struggled for a couple years with them even coming to my place on my week and went thru CPS calls that went nowhere. I survived and thought it would get better, it hasn’t. I won’t fight him in court because my children will resent me for then trying to take them away from their Father so, it’s a lose lose situation. He moved back to our hometown 6 hours away last Christmas and my boys stayed with me full time to finish schooling. Everything was great and I was able to reconnect with my oldest (who knew all about our court proceedings and what happened between his father and I.) and I though things were going good. My oldest even said he missed me and felt that he could be himself more when he was around me but of course he then went to see his dad and everything changed. He decided to move with him since of course EVERYTHING is so much better with him than with me and I was going to keep my youngest with me. I however, didn’t want to be so far away from my son as he was entering his freshman year and my youngest was sad not seeing his father that much (probably better for him and his psyche) but whatever, here I go packing up my life and moving back as well without a job or anything in place just to be close to my oldest and keep my boys close together. Now, here I am and only get to see my oldest every Thursday for 30 seconds to congratulate him at his game on a job well done. Every time I ask him to come over or go hang out he always has an excuse “Dad is going to buy me a new game”, “we’re going to see Dad’s family”, anything and everything under the sun. I’m tired of trying and told him that he’s old enough to choose. He doesn’t have to always do what his Dad says but I guess to him he does since he buys him everything and thinks he is so much better than I am. I am not going to beg him anymore to see me and I told him that. 5 years of pain is too much. Here I am struggling to make it while it’s now so much easier for his Dad to see our youngest and just easy for him because what he says goes and what he wants he gets at everyone elses expense. To friends and family I am just following him around and doing what he says but it’s not about him I just keep trying to do what’s right for our children but I’m tired and sometimes I don’t think anyone really understands. That’s it. I don’t ever post but I just am at such a loss right now.

  87. LMA
    September 16, 2015 at 3:11 PM

    I raised my son for 18 years. It wasn’t easy, he was a difficult child, never really happy, always wanting what he couldn’t have. His father was there every other weekend but didn’t really do much -an occasion xbox game or take them out to eat, etc but never there on the first or last day of school, never volunteered or showed interest in his activities. When he did show, he was disengaged, late or on the phone. The past year, his senior year, “Dad” starts to be more proactive. My son and I are happy to see that he’s more available. However, what has transpired was an all out parental alienation with my son telling me to F* off and that I can’t be trusted. I reminded him of all that I have done over the years, not for cudos but to ask where in anything I have ever done for him and our family I have been in a position not to be trusted or now at the level of such disrespect. He just kept saying, “Dad is right. You can’t be trusted.” Now, every birthday party, event at school, holiday, christmas lists – everything was shared with his father for several reasons: it IS his father, it’s not my position or right to withold the information nor determine what his father does with it so if I send the info to him and he comes/responds, great. if not, that’s on his father to make the choices. The last reason WAS to avoid this issue…so that he could never look back and say I prevented him his father. His father got sick a few summers ago. I bent over backwards working with him and his father to make the children available for pickup, family gatherings an offering to drive them to wherever, pick up anyone from the hospital or airports, etc. because although I dislike the father – he IS their father. So this isn’t a mom who spent years alienating her son from his father. This is a mother trying to foster that relationship without forcing it on either. This same man abandoned our daughter. They argued for 1.5 years until finally, when she was very sick from the dog he had from her allegies, she asked if he would at least get rid of the dog so she could be there every other weekend. He said no, the dog stays. She packed up her bags during her senior year (see a pattern?) and moved out. Knowing the importance of a father in a daughter’s life, i spent time trying to work with the father to have him reach out to her. All he said was, “She can call. She left.” I had to remind him he’s the father and yes, she left but they both had a hand in the issues and as the adult and father, she needs you – you have to try. They have a cordial relationship now at best but at least they have one. My ex has been filling our son this summer apparently with all kinds of stuff that led to his finger twitching F* you language and that I can’t be trusted as he stormed out the door…then father texting me asking if our son can have his stuff. I stated that our son was just AGAIN disrespectful and rude and had gone too far, chosen to leave this time for good, he has stuff at his father’s and that his things here remain for if/when he returns. His father went off on me about how I did this to him. I don’t know what i “did” but I do know that i was the only one there for him in his classrooms and field trips and practices and games and orchestras and learning to drive and homecoming and prom and selecting classes and registering for college and middle of the night illness and night terrors and you name it… What I did was recently found out he’s taking drugs, which has developed into anger and rage, and told him the rules of our home regarding respect and no drugs. Dad is allowing our son complete and utter freedom, buying him expensive things and denying there is a drug problem (one look at all his social media accounts begs to differ). Dad is enabling and a codependent of our son’s issues. I can’t walk away but right now he’s under the grasp of his dad AND drugs AND now 18…I fear he will end up in the morgue or a rehab center some day because either the lack of rules and complete freedom will do it – or realizing he abandoned his mother and his father isn’t there for him. Dad is slowly dying. His health from his condition a few years ago has taken over. This isn’t about sympathy for dad and wanting to be there – I made sure of it when he was 15 – not with the anger and drugs involved. So when his father is gone and he was alienated from me – where does that leave him? I would certainly be here for when he returns (but without the violent behavior and drugs) but how do I let him know that I love him and still there for him when he won’t see me…and so he knows that very soon, when his father passes, he still has a home to return to without being subjected to his rage filled words, his physical actions and his outright defiance? I have my older daughter and I have a younger son (from a 2nd marriage) to consider, as well as myown. But I always told my children I would be there for them no matter what…abandoning him goes against everything and certanily I was there for him for 18 years…abandoning now isn’t a concept but the hurt and anger at him an his father and how my son cuold be brainwashed, and so quickly, forgetting the past 18 years is mindboggling. Yes, this is long. Sorry. This has been a very emotional week and I never saw this coming so feeling very helpless.

  88. KB
    October 2, 2015 at 6:30 AM

    I just stumbled across this site while searching for help and ideas on how to stop this exact same road I see my 16 and 1; year old girls going down. Their Dad is doing the exact same thing with them to me. My 16 year old told me last night “have you ever met anyone that really annoys you and you just hate?” My reply? “No, I can’t say that I have.” “Well that is exactly how I feel about you. I hate you!” Ugh – talk about ripping my heart in two!! The things that come out if her mouth, that she really seems to believe about me now, I know are coming from my ex and his family that now illegally live with him. His father is to never be alone with my girls and now he and his wife live with them. I need to figure out how to report this violation to the proper authorities as it just happened. I’m at a loss of how to help her or even be there for her. I’m scared to death I’m going to loose her and then my younger will follow. 😓

  89. Stephanie
    October 5, 2015 at 6:02 AM

    Letting go; Alienated parents giving up? The best way I can explain it is when you come to realise that the situation you live with everyday has caused you to become a social misfit.

    That you have been living between life, death and hell for so long that you are no longer able to converse with everyday people about everyday situations because the life you live is no longer ‘everyday’ and you merely keep trying to put one foot in front of another and try to survive the hell you are living. It’s nearly a year since I’ve seen or heard from my children, I don’t know where they are, or how they are doing. My ex has kept them against binding agreement. My children have put false testimonials in legal court documents and are so hostile towards me now I don’t know who they are anymore. I grieve for my lost babies, I grieve for when I used to be a mother and I never got to say goodbye.

    This is as close as it must come to living hell on earth. I’ve become mostly numb now, there are times I want to scream, throw things, but instead I sit quietly while the nausea, dizziness and numbness takes over. I have nightmares most nights and getting out of bed, putting on a fake smile and going to work is a talented act. Apart from necessity I don’t go out anymore, I don’t socialise with people. I’ve become a byline in my children’s lives, someone who used to exist, now I just get through each day, I don’t live anymore, I am currently living death too!

    • Bruce W
      October 7, 2015 at 3:07 AM

      Stephanie – it’s practically impossible to get past. 5 years for me and it is practically a living hell. I hope you have a good night, but I have bad ones all the time too. You are not alone, but it does make you feel like a social misfit. I can relate to everything you have said.

    • renee
      October 7, 2015 at 4:56 PM

      Hi Stephanie…please know that you are not a misfit. That you are loved and are not a byline in anyone’s lives. Your children know the truth of who you are. I’m not a bible thumper, but I don’t believe a loving God that would do this. It’s the work of the devil to turn you away from him. Stay strong in your faith.

    • Roger smith
      October 9, 2015 at 10:39 PM

      Sorry… But it sounds like you are using this forum to go out. And I don’t even know you. Just for today

  90. Clarissa
    October 7, 2015 at 6:54 AM

    We’re fooling ourselves to think alienating parents are a minority. This behaviour is sadly on the increase. It seems to me respectful parents are the minority.

  91. Melissa
    October 29, 2015 at 1:10 PM

    I am a survivor of a psychopathic husband. My children are adults, and my ex has continued to go at me in every form possible. I am currently waiting for a new final court order as I was a stay at home mom for over 22 years. The issue (of many), is that I need to move on and grieve for the loss of my daughters–they support their father and I am tired of trying to figure things out. I have no agency, and my daughters think I am to blame. It’s chaos. How do I move on and cope with social pressures?

  92. Yahnalablog
    November 7, 2015 at 9:04 PM

    As a Grandparent you have double the pain, the pain not seeing your Grandchild and the pain for which your own Child is going through. Obviously if you are a close Family everyone suffers some form of discomfort and pain.

    In the loss of a loved one through natural causes in time the pain starts to receide a little. With long term loss of a Child due to an Alienating Parent the years become even more challenging and is the opposite to a Family death as it get harder to cope.

    When it comes to be stubborn and to take on all comers I am no match for anyone, I would rather die than give up on my Grandchild. Sadly it has taken its toll on my health and may eventually be the death of me. I often wish my Father was a live as he would just take the Child and suffer the consequences. I have thought that to but I may have a few days with the Child and would never be able to see her again and no doubt that would please my Daughter in law.

    If you have been Alienatted to its worst capacity where all of the Establishment has lied, you will know what I am talking about. One day It will come to pass that the penny will have dropped with the legislators that they have read PA in exactly the opposite way and that thousands of Children have been forced to live with a bad Parent through the Courts system. I live in Scotland, but it does not matter what Country you come from, all the Parliaments and Courts get the majority of cases wrong. That leads to Children being denied a childhood to grow up being loved and develop good behaviour and be happy.

    Over the years I have been fighting every organisation you could imagine, I am now managing to expose all the lies, but will my health last out. My philosophy is that each generation grows up to make the world a better place for the next generation and that keeps going. So please do not give up on your Child, speak to others and never stop speaking about PA. What is PA, it is a CANCER INFLICTED ON A CHILD BY A PARENT? The tool to spread the P A disease is LIES. Not just lies by the Parent but lies by School Teachers, Social Workers, Health Visitors and the list goes on.

    Despite everything I have been a volunteer in the Community for forty years and worked with Children, sadly I am seen as a Grandparent not fit to see their Grandchild. The reason for this is the Court Reporter said that my Grandchild is suffering from Headaches and has nightmares, despite my Family have not seen the Child for four years. So how can we be seen as being unfit.

    There is nothing good about one Parent trying to destroy the other as the Child(ren) become the victims. I know the worst form of P A is where a Parent has a behavioural or mental health problem. It is also concerning that the amount of so called professionals that are benefitting from Childrens misery. People who are earninga good living out of P A should put some financial aid towards Parents who have lost everything and can’t progress due to the lack of money.

    Please fight for your Child and if you are a selfish Parent alienating your partner, please stop and think of the long term damage you are doing to the Child.

    I wish everyone good fortune and to try and be a good caring Parent.

  93. Garin
    November 7, 2015 at 10:53 PM

    When do I let goof my alienated 15 year old

  94. charleegone
    November 9, 2015 at 12:03 AM

    I went through parental alienation in the 90’s. I thought I would die many times. The emotional agony was astounding. No one could relate to me except others going through it. The rest judged and judged, rejected and rejected. My own family now shuns me, and I was the victim. In fact, they tell me I am a victim but scold me for being one!. It was a nightmare. Now my kids are in their thirties and mean as hell to me. I stopped trying. My daughter still finds things wrong about me so that she can gain sympathy from her father. That is the only role I have in her life. My son refuses to talk to me. Sometimes it never ends, people. The only comfort and reason I got through it was having a personal relationship with the Lord. HE alone got me through it. I can say today after twenty years of it, I have found happiness. Not in a man. But in Christ alone. I miss my kids and wish they would love me and wake up, but they choose not to. My ex has the money and charisma: I’m just a poorer aging woman. I have no value to them. Sadly, my kids had character when they were with me. I taught them character. Now they live for money both of them, and they are not nice people. I hope someday they change, but I’m going to follow Jesus no matter what. When I die, all my tears will be no more. God is good even if your family stinks. I praise His name for helping me. I am sorry for anyone having to go through this.

    • Done
      December 28, 2015 at 9:22 AM

      Amen. Going through the exact same thing. Honestly, I don’t even like my alienated kids any more. I pray for them, but they are truly awful people.

    • Donna
      January 4, 2016 at 1:02 PM

      I am going through this still after a year from my own parents that refuse to realize that are hurting me and thier grandchild in the long run.
      I have felt like what’s the point and had thoughts of going! I have a passive aggresSive parent that does not listen a type a personality so ive been told.and is impossible to even have a civil conversation as soon as he s in the wrong excuses blame spiteful words come out from my parent.
      my son has learnt from them he does not even ask about what I’ve been up to etc. I have to talk about him all the time just as I’ve had to do with family. And apparently he’s better off as I can’t but him as much! That’s bad! My son feels trapped and had given up saying anything. I am going back to court for more contact as no need for situation to be as it is now.
      Anyone for any advice. Thanks x

  95. Jan
    November 9, 2015 at 9:52 AM

    Hi Everyone. My name is Jan. I have been divorced now for over 5 years. I didn’t know so many people had this very same problem with dealing with their children. My ex and I were on the rocks for a couple years before she moved out. She started hanging out with a male “Friend”. Two weeks after burying my father, My ex informed me she was moving out and two weeks before Christmas of that year she took her things and my 8 year old daughter. My world was upside down. I felt no self worth at all. 9 months after she moved in with her friend I decided that I should move on with my life. At the time I would have my daughter every weekend and I even had her for a week during the summer. But when my ex found out that I was talking to other people she literally beg on her hands and knees to take her back. Of course I said No. After she got the hint she tried everything possible to make my life miserable. Then she went to the one thing that would kill me. And that was my daughter. I have read some of the blogs and it sounds exactly what I’m going through. At this point my daughter is cold hearted to me and only needs me when money is involved. I have cried like a baby long enough and I have decided that I have to live my life. All I worry about is god forbid that if anything would happen to me my daughter dealing with the guilt and the should’ve, would’ve and could’ve pop up.

    • DrG
      September 30, 2018 at 5:50 AM

      Just been alienated for two weeks from my daughter 14 years, all propagated by my x wife. I can see I have no power to change it. I was so close to my daughter. I can see I have no chance so why bother. I’ve cut any generosity to her and my x as I’m not rewarding bad behavior. Done so much research and read a lot of these reply’s. Just seems like there is no good ending. Just a lot of pain like loosing a child to death. So I will grieve, get happy, shake the dust off my feet and move on and make a family who want to be with me, I do however have two sons that have stuck be my closely. So much easier to move on. My older son adores me. Unless one of you can give me some wisdom

      • October 11, 2018 at 11:43 AM

        DrG, I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I am an alienated father of 3000-days and counting. I wish I could tell you time is a great healer, but I am not going to lie, it isn’t. Time only serves to exacerbate the pain, “ambiguous loss” as Dr Pauline Boss refers to it as. I say this so you can prepare yourself and surround yourself with good people, like your sons. I was falsely accused of abusing my young son, so in effect I am “absent not by choice”. Alienators will go to extraordinary lengths to alienate the targeted parent. What’s more, in their own mind their actions are fully justified, normal even. With all that being said, I would never advocate fighting fire with fire, this approach would only make us as bad as the alienator, possibly even worse. Good luck my friend.

  96. Kathy Lovelady
    November 10, 2015 at 10:54 AM

    child abuse

  97. Terry mom
    November 16, 2015 at 12:15 PM

    No women wants their children to be fatherless,being a father means being stable for your chil.from my experience i have at my lowest from a man who would buy things for his gf and even boast about.always wore expensive clothes,bought a car and would even brag 2 me that he had money but failed 2 do anything for his own son.1 day i got tired of it and kept telling him what his son wants him but he could still spent months not seeing him,making promises to my son and not living up to those promises.thats left my son very hurt,he and his gf would text me and disrespect me.it was then i said enough is enough bcoz he isn’t useful in any way.i cut him off and keeps asking 4 forgiveness,some men never change no matter How hard u try to encourage them to have a relationship with their children.he would ask his son who am i dating? Some men are just idiots coz he left us and at first was angry but got over it coz i saw that he wasn’t a man i would build a future with.i would even dismiss stupid comments he would make coz i knw that im better than that,he put me down every chance he got and im denying access to his son and my conscious is very clear,deep down he knws im a good person and if u allow ppl to walk all over u,u allow it.im studying and dont need a jail bird near me or my son.the sad part is that he never sees anything wrong with his short comings,2 many sorries but never changes.my son needs a stable father and he aint that.

  98. Rebecca
    November 16, 2015 at 6:53 PM

    This website has helped a lot over the years. Is there an online forum for support?

    My ex (we divorced over a decade ago) is starting to win in attempts to alienate me & I am not handling it well. He is encouraging my kids to be destructive at my house. I really need to talk with other parents for ideas or simple venting but no idea where to go.

    I feel so blasted helpless, I am slowly loosing my oldest kids cause he is buying them phones and other gadgets as a reward for being mean to me.

  99. Hope
    November 21, 2015 at 2:04 PM

    There’s a good video on youtube about being an estranged parent. She talks about how if your kids hate you year after year after year then at some point you have to move on and give your love to people that accept/want it. If your kids are not wanting a relationship with you, what can you do? You can’t force it. You can’t sit around and hate your ex, as that will kill you. Sadly, the only thing you can do is move on. Some of you can fight, some of you can’t. After seven years I stopped fighting. I stopped wasting money on two kids who didn’t give a darn about me. They still relish when they hear something negative about me, because it confirms the reasons they alienated me. They are not the children I raised. After living with their dad for seven years, they have become just like him: mean, evil, rotten, greedy. They have no clue what loving a mother means. To them, I am a monster. And they feed off that. They love it really. I am currently on my own with no family now. It is very difficult. But I have learned to live without them. I choose to be a better me and make the world a better place by being kind to others. Some days it gets to me and I get bitter. Right now during the holidays it’s so hard. I envision my kids and their dad and his family all together mocking me, which is what they do. Who can endure that? Only strong people. It’s sad that this happened but I have learned that THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ANYMORE. I can’t change wills, I can’t force anything. I can just live a solitary life and die alone. I’ve accepted that. It’s easier than living in denial. Still painful but not as much. For most of you, your kids and your ex are happy and don’t give a darn about you. This sounds harsh but it’s true. So quit agonizing over it and move on if you have/see no hope. Don’t let them have power over you any longer. I know it’s hard. But you can do it. Live as best as you can. You know I watched some Hitler home movies on youtube. He was smiling and loving his neices and friends in it. But what was his end? Evil has its own end, friends. Life your life making it better for others and don’t be a part of evil. Life is too short.

    • Dero
      November 29, 2015 at 4:57 AM

      My reality is exactly as you have desccribed to the ‘T’……In April of this year I realized that my adult children dont need me to protect them from their father, I needed protection from them (all of them)….I decided to divorce (mentally) them and put myself first….My children know what their father is and they also know that to have his love they must be mom haters…and they are…I keep hoping that the anguish and hurt I feel will someday disappear….

      • joy
        December 24, 2015 at 2:08 AM

        I don’t think the hurt ever really leaves, but it gets easier. When you stop being a victim it helps. By that I mean accepting they don’t want you and moving on. Keep your heart open but guarded too. In the end you have to love yourself, which is hard when your own kids hate you. Yes, the anguish and hurt do lessen.

      • DrG
        September 30, 2018 at 5:51 AM

        So sorry, sounds terrible

    • Nicola
      July 13, 2019 at 3:55 PM

      This sums up where I am at today. How are you now?

  100. Jason G
    November 26, 2015 at 7:41 PM

    I am a father of 3 kids whom I have not seen since they were young…I tried to get help through free or low-cost lawyers but it appeared that most courts only side with the mother so I was left out in the cold. I tried to reach many times starting in 2005 but the mother was very angry with me concerning the divorce. I tried to make a bargain with her; I said I would watch the kids for free while she went out, school or whatever. I remember the last thing she told me…”You’re an a h and if you want to see your kids you have to take me back to court” She than hung up on me. I was heartbroken. After 4 sad days or maybe more of literally mourning my kids I made a decision that if no one was going to help me I would move away and start over. I spent 9 months in New Orleans trying to pick up the pieces and starting over. I It was than Hurricane Katrina hit and I had to start over again moving from one city into a new one where I only knew my aunt and cousin. I stayed with as long as possible until I met someone who I mistakenly thought I would fill the void but I was mistaken…just when I thought it couldn’t get worse my aunt wouldn’t let me move back into her house and I had to stay at a homeless shelter until I found an apartment close to the city.I stayed there for a year or so until I met another person but she too turned out to NOT be a person that could make me happy and I moved into a Charity-like Church dorm. I lived there while working part-time while still going to school for IT. I suffered through some Christmases even spent time in the hospital for depression. (Holidays can be the worst) I am seeing a therapist for this and it really plainly been a hardship to live for me( I feel so selfish ) but what can I do? I think about them especially today November 26…I miss you Alli, Patrick, and Brianna even if you don’t know it

  101. dana
    December 1, 2015 at 4:43 AM

    I am a dad, and have not seen my son in many many years,, I text him,, and call him,, he never answers,,i just wish him a happy holiday ,, when they pop up and that’s it now,, I was married 20 yrs,, my son was 18 when I left,,, my wife is a narcasist, and control freak,, and not sit here or there, cannot fix any ladys car, ever, I was a auto mechanic,, she slapped me 15 times and then kicked me out of the house I built,, I never looked back,, I was abused as a kid,,, so no way was I going to take the physical abuse.. who would,,,well she could not hurt me financially, because she knew I would always make good money,, so she took the most important thing from me ,, my son.. and yes I read and read, and u are right,, it is like being dead and living every day over and over,, dead inside with a hole in your heart.. I been drinking more and more,,, trying to kill the pain,, I am a mental mess.. just hope I survive. sending u all so many prayers.

    • Patrick
      December 21, 2015 at 8:35 AM

      please try to hang in there….im a dad as well and after 5 yrs nothing changed….and NO the hurt never goes away…….why ? because we really DO love our kids….and sadly love is greater than hate

  102. Eric
    December 4, 2015 at 4:18 AM

    I’m a Dad. My son was 8 when his mother and I divorced. My ex wife was never a good communicator to begin with and so I would often have to learn about grades, accidents, and other significant information through my son. About three years later I committed to a job transfer to another state. Since that move I have had to pull teeth to find out what’s going on with my son. Today he’s 18 and resents me and doesn’t want anything to do with me. I have flown him over to where I live countless of time spending thousands of dollars over the years. I have spent tons of money outside of the thousand dollars a month of child support to buy my son shoes and other articles of clothing because what he was wearing was either out dated or tathered. I have made numerous attempts to communicate with my son via Skype, texting, and phone calls when we were apart. I would find out weeks later about broken legs, trouble at school, or problems with teachers and all of those and other situations I would find out from my son never my ex wife. My ex remarried as have I, but just recently her husband committed suicide. My son has not taken this well for obvious reasons. For the past three years my son has over time communicated less and less with me and now its completely non existent. Until now I did not realize parental alienation was even a word. But now I realize that my ex has gotten away with murder!!!!!!! Like I said earlier my son and I were very close and now he wants nothing to do with me and brings up the baggage from my ex wife and I had that I had no idea he knew about and is very angry with me. I am blaimed for everything bad that has happened in the past as if his mother is not only exempt from her wrong doings but has become mother Teresa, a saint, an Angle, and dirt free!!!!!!! I cannot believe their is no law in Colorado against people who are alienated by the opposing parent. I can’t believe their is no education for both parents about this horrible crime my ex wife has committed. I feel lonely, sad, agree, and frustrated and their isn’t a dame thing I can say or do about it!!!!!!!!!

  103. sasfrass
    December 6, 2015 at 12:29 AM

    My ex who had supervised visit for great reason. Fell out of our sons life for ten years. I didn’t tell our son anything bad about his father. I took him to counseling. I also hired a detective to locate him and when not found filed in court for full custody, six months after this he surfaces. .
    Gets two summer a of supervised visits. Hence brother who owns record company is the supervisor. Our son plays guitar, sings and writes music. Anyhow, son returns from summer visit. Starts acting up..I figured it was because he was 14, he starts asking me questions each night right After talking to his father on phone. Then he refuses dinner and only wants to eat cereal..etc..

    Anyhow, last Christmas while son was at visitation my ex refuses to return him back to me. They hired an attorney who claimed they had no way to locate Me and son was in grave danger to be returned to me. I was oblivious to this because I was never served if that nor their allegations. Yet I did have a court review regarding supervised visits scheduled for that January 15. I went to court about the supervised visitation…and ended up having a full blown hearing of stuff I was never served about. My ex said I beat him and went to jail from it and accused me of doing all the stuff he did to Me.with out any evidence to back himself up. Then with Que cards my ex attorney had son get on stand and asked him question like how many different classes has he attended with school..my son counted from kindergarten to freshman high school..and the attorney said, see she has moved that kid every year of his life. When fact is that he lived in same home from age 5 through age 12, at which time our home had burned down from an electric fire. Anyhow, the one sided trial lasted for eight hours…I had no defense, not even served for me to compile hard copy proof against their allegations. So, son was awarded to ex and all supervised visits removed, I was LitterAly yelled at by judge.
    Since then son isn’t allowed by ex to talk to me on phone etc…recently, I found some letters in bottom of sons dresser drawer. It wAs dated of the time of sons summer visit five months prior to Christmas.
    One page had a list of how horrible I am. The next list was fully of all my ex attributes.
    The third list was a check off sheet…said stuff like 1. My mother doesn’t care about my nutrition..then there’s a check Mark and a note. .eAt only cereal. 2. My mother yells at me all the time. Check, got her to yell my name up stairwell. 3. My mother talks bad if my dad. Check I asked her about dad molesting me as a kid, grandma told me he did molest me. 4. …stuff like that…and every dang thing on that check off list was used against me in court and when I had o.e hour with son to day goodbye I asked him whose idea was this. My son said it was all my idea.

    Its painful…because if what was said in court I never get to see my grandson again. My ex reported me to r.n. boards as a child abuser and I had to go to r.n. board courts and thank God proved through hard copy that what was said in custody courts mock trial were all unfounded allegations. It has been a night mare. And I will mot been go there about the fun my ex had on f.b. I.m. my side of family, pretending he was our son..stuff…yeah, pretty sick stuff..

    In this literature it says that ex’s with mental disorders and personality f.o. and plot and plan stuff like this. My ex is bi polar, and borderline personality disorder..

  104. KathyC
    December 8, 2015 at 4:08 PM

    Brainwashed, thank you for your input as an alienated child. You have given me a small window of hope that one day, my children may want to reunite with me. You have proven, after a lifetime of brainwashing, you still had a desire to seek the truth. I am an alienated mother and everything you have talked about mirrors my own situation.

    I feel my children are punished the more I try to reach out to them. Though now, I have been blocked completely. I say this only because of years of living with their father, I know what it is like to be emotionally abused.

    What happened to the memories of your father (you had as a child)? Were they repressed or completely forgotten? This is something I constantly wonder of my own kids. I lost contact with each daughter around the age of 7, and had beautiful memories up until that point. Where did those 7 years go in their minds?

    Bless your heart, if you were my child, I would have nothing but love and forgiveness for you….now and in the afterlife. My children have done awful things to me, but if they came to the realization that you have, I would receive them with open arms.

  105. wayne
    December 9, 2015 at 7:57 AM

    I have been looking for an explanation of why I feel the way I do and this page is an eye opener for me personally and acknowledgement to the way that I feel. Alienated and confusion is a daily feeling when I see my Son detached from how I wanted him to be in his later years. I always got a call to tell me he was being a little ******* or a ****, which to me was an impossible thing to deal with, for the sake of my own status in his life, and for him to take on board in any sense. I kept up payments to his Mother for years and helped when financially able to only to find money was not going directly to him but on his siblings that were not mine. One occasion I received a call, out of the blue, which had me calling the police out of concern and they attended the address out of concern for his safety as all I could hear was a male voice SCREAMING obscenities at him. I stayed in his area after we split for 2 years to make sure he was ok and sound psychoiogically with his parents splitting up, and being told 24 months later that his Mum had remarried and got the impression he was told not to tell me as it was none of my business. This is what I wanted to know, that he was in a stable home and in a secure family unit, so I left to be with my direct Family after an absence of 14 years. I kept up phonecalls daily to him, visited regularly and provided money when needed, and as already mentioned, when financially able to. 8 Years on employment stopped and started and I have had a constant battle financially. He goes to school 3 times a week for an hour each day which will result in a lifelong struggle when schooling officially finishes but it is out of my control. Alienation is a very close feeling and no one understands that. I could go deeper here, but wont and am making steps to see a counsellor to talk about things to keep my own sanity as contact has gone,phonecalls have stopped and contact is minimal, and maybe once or twice in 24 months.

  106. December 14, 2015 at 6:03 PM

    I do not understand why people do not take the alienating parent to court? My son has been fighting his ex for 2 years and has not seen his kids the entire time. He has been very patient and has done everything the court has ordered him to do. Within a couple of months he will have full custody of his 3 boys. This was well worth the $10k to give his boys a chance at a good life.

    • December 18, 2015 at 8:01 PM

      Bless your sons heart and his children, they have all endured much…My children are adults now, however the effects remain from the brainwashing at the hands of their father…I have spent 22yrs mourning this problem and it took a kick in the face to wake me up and realize that this isnt going away, and if it ever does it will only be when my ex dies….My present husband of many years said something to me that I never thought about…He said, your love for your kids is Unconditional and they know that you will always for give their actions, however their fathers love is Conditional upon them being Mom Haters…when he said it it hit me like a ton of bricks and it made a world of sense….
      Today I am at peace with it, I have let go and I have realized that I protected them from his evil all their lives, but there came that point where I had to let them go and protect myself from THEM….I deserve a fulfilling happy life and today that is my focus…I will always love my children w/ all my heart, always….But I will never sacrifice myself for them again….
      So sinse this decission I have received hate mail, vicious evil emails and I have been told by them that they hate me….
      The way I look at it today….I had the BEST years of their lives, before they were seriously tainted and misled into a world of hate and discontent…..
      Bless your heart for enduring this w/ your son and grandchildren……

      • Kevin
        December 21, 2015 at 12:00 AM

        I have been dealing with PAS now since April of this year and it is by far the most painful life experience I have ever been through and I agree with you that nobody understands the feelings unless they have been through this living nightmare. I don’t know what to do anymore, I spend my days thinking about suicide and all the different ways to end this pain, I have never thought my son would turn on me even though I knew his mother was alienating me for 5 years, and now that my son has said he doesn’t want to have a relrionship with me it has torn my soul in two and has left me so distraught that I can barely function at work and I rarely leave my bedroom as I am paralyzed with
        sadness and grief. I don’t know what to do I have been a great father, always there for my son never missed any of his school or sports events, I was even the primary parent for over two years due to his mothers problems with alcoholism, and though I was completely supportive of her through her battle with alcohol, she started her campaign of alienation against me right after meeting her o husband. I identify with so many stories on this forum and my heart goes out to all of you, I don’t know what to do anymore and acceptance seems be impossible for me.

      • Yvie
        December 21, 2015 at 2:02 PM

        My son’s story is similar to yours Kevin, but it is recent origin. My son has a shared residence order of his two boys and has shared their care for seven years. The boys are now 15 and 11. My son has been a good father to them and has always put them first, going without himself frequently. He never at any stage believed his ex. would be able to alienate his children from him. A few weeks ago his eldest boy starting being rude to him. He took it that it was part of growing up. It seems that a one week work experience at his stepfathers place of work had been arranged, but there was no consultation about this despite the shared residence order. Apparently he would not be able to come to his dads that work due to the hours he was at work experience. The next thing was that he had changed his phone number without telling his dad. The week after the work experience he phoned his dad saying he would not be coming that weekend and if he were honest, he did not want to see his dad at all. The way he spoke to his dad was like a stranger talking and that he was going to get a job with his stepfather and his dad would only hold him back. It shattered my son totally and he was unable to go to work the next day. The youngest boy came on his allotted days as usual, and was very loving to his dad, calling him amazing and the best dad ever. He is coming on Christmas day but we don’t know about the eldest. All this has come out of the blue as at the end of October my son and the boys attended a Halloween party and had a fabulous time. Any normal mother would have said to her son to go and sort it out with your dad. Not my ex. dil – no doubt she is delighted.

    • December 20, 2015 at 3:09 AM

      Hi Dale, we did take the alienating parent to court, $30,000 later and no better off. The nassistic mother lied her way through playing the victim. In fact it worked I her favour as she used it as a tool against us!
      The judge even requested an independent witness. All that did was give fuel to her fire, another avenue to make us look bad, even coaching the children what to say when they were interviewed. Clearly your situation is different, lucky you!

  107. Amy
    December 21, 2015 at 6:38 PM

    I finally gave up this year. My twins are 24 years old. My ex husband literally convinced them all of their lives that I molested them. (He’s a sick man). Funny how I have 4 kids by this man and he choose only to alienate my twins, which he viewed as a trophy their whole lives. While going through our separation, he stated clearly, he didn’t care what happened to the oldest and youngest, but I wasn’t getting near his twins. I have a great relationship with the oldest and youngest. He doesn’t. I tried everything I could by just being me to get the twins to see I wasn’t who their father said I was, but in the end, it just doesn’t work. He bad mouthed me their whole lives. It’s sad really, but I could never fight him financially, he used the kids trust funds that he had access to, to fight me. He of course, used the trust funds of the oldest and youngest children. I cut off all ties with him personally when my last child with him turned 18. I’ve tried reaching out to the boys, but he’s too in their face even now. I’m done. I”m emotionally exhausted and just tired of it all. I cut all ties with the twins, removed their cell phone numbers and blocked them from me, and blocked and removed them all from facebook. Sure, a little piece of me has essentially died, but at some point, you just have to live and move on. I made that decision earlier this year and I’m sticking to it. I’ve got 4 other children whom I love dearly and I never was, nor will ever be, a child molester. As a matter of public record, he did come after me for child abuse and it was unfounded. Of course, all of this was back in the 1990’s when PAS was first being talked about and laughed at by the courts. This will be my second year without them for the holidays, last year, the one twin sent his girlfriend in his place… I can’t even be angry about it anymore, I’m at a place where I just don’t care…… if you’re going through this and you can’t imagine how I can’t care about it… trust me, it goes on forever and one day, you’ll reach the same place… In the end, the ex got his twins and he “won”… I hope he chokes on his victory. He may have won, but the twins lost. They lost a mother, they lost brothers and a sister, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and a whole lot more. But, he WON! I will always be bitter, but, I’m not a welcome mat and it’s over….

    • chfg
      December 28, 2015 at 3:32 PM

      I am so sorry for your loss.

  108. Bruce W.
    December 21, 2015 at 10:41 PM

    PAS sufferers – MY DAUGHTER SENT ME A CHRISTMAS CARD on Friday – December 18th 2015. I had not heard one word from her in over 7 years. It wasn’t a personal card, it was a picture card with her, her husband (I wasn’t invited to her wedding) and their puppy. She did address the card herself in her handwriting and didn’t use a computer label – which I noticed and appreciated. She is 25 years old now and is a school teacher. I am like most of you. I went to court 20 plus times, had my ex wife and her 2nd husband after me ruin my relationship with my daughter because they demanded I double my child support or I’d never see my girl again. Mean, mean people and mean, mean behavior. I have learned not to hate them which wasn’t easy, but it took a while. They will have to deal with God at some point and that will be their problem.

    My PAS situation hit about all 15 or so steps time after time – over and over. The last time we were at court, the Judge put my ex wife in jail for willful contempt for PAS and basically ignoring all of the court orders. She was also ordered to pay me $5000 in attorney’s fees which was only a drop in the bucket of what I had paid out. I thought SURELY THAT WOULD STOP HER. WRONG !!! At that time, my daughter was 17 (nearly 18). Unfortunately friends, once the kids reach that age, to me it appears the court doesn’t want to upset the apple cart and expecting the court to help anymore probably won’t happen. Her attitude only got worse and never got better. Just like most of you, over the years I’ve begged and pleaded, but to no avail. Tears, depression and loneliness. A huge hole in my heart that can never be mended. I don’t think PAS can be undone, but maybe it can be mitigated.

    So I prayed for any contact with my daughter and I visited sites like this because hearing the stories of others in like PAS situations is one of the very few things that made me feel a little better. Very few people understand this stuff except us.

    About the card. I was thrilled but I’m cautious. Today, I sent a card back with a thank you for the beautiful picture – and I included a DVD of about an hour of her Christmas moments we had filmed over the years – pre-divorce and post-divorce. One of the VERY FEW things I got out of the house when my ex had me removed was all of the video tapes of babyhood, holidays, etc. For obvious reasons, I didn’t rush to make copies for my ex after all she had done. I wasn’t holding them for ransom, but I wasn’t rushing to hand them over either. I actually haven’t been asked for the videos yet, but hoped one day wanting to see them might be an incentive for my daughter want to get in touch with me.That being said, her seeing this DVD will be the first time in years and years she will have seen her childhood on film. I’m in all of the clips and I hope it helps her remember (acknowledge to herself – I know she remembers) that I was always there and was a good dad.

    I can’t get my hopes up, but I’m blessed for this only contact from her I’ve had in years. The mere fact that my daughter acknowledged my existence is my rock right now. PAS is all about taking a pair of scissors and cutting us alienated parents out of the picture. It’s a badge of honor for them and the ex to remind us how irrelevant, awful and unwanted we are. Just my daughter sending me a card addressed to my name tells me I haven’t totally been forgotten. I am thankful.

    So, I got a Christmas card that completely surprised me. It may not amount to anything, but I’m very carefully going to do what I can do. I’ve never given up hope, but I’ve not had any reason for a long time to have any, so I’ve tried hard not to think about it. As we all know, the torture is that we can’t forget about it. Now maybe there is a sliver of hope for me. So to all of us who think our kids have 100% erased us from their minds, they still remember who we are. I think they feel very guilty for the things they have done to us that were not their idea, but they were manipulated into participating in anyway. I think this is a huge roadblock in them coming back to us because they don’t want to face the people on the alienated side and think walking away is the easy answer. If you think about it, it is the easy way for them to deal with it. Pray that they will see it wasn’t their fault and that they won’t feel blamed. Pray that they will read a book like “Adult Children of PAS” or meet somebody that can help them understand. Merry Christmas and peace to all as best you can.

  109. December 22, 2015 at 2:47 PM

    Please allow me to also share the gift of hope this holiday season — http://afamilysheartbreak.com/blog/

  110. joy
    December 24, 2015 at 2:05 AM

    Bruce, sounds to me like your daughter is reaching out. She probably feels guilty and confused. I would just not get too emotional and keep praying. I am very happy for you. My two kids still hate me. But my dog loves me to pieces. I am happy and have accepted things after many years of hurt. I am so happy for you. And your kid!

  111. Laurat
    December 24, 2015 at 10:16 PM

    Interesting forum. I’m in a similar situation, but with little children that didn’t reject me, but their father closed the door to communication. I let them go to live with their father after I fell into hard times that landed us all in the homeless shelter. He took them and moved to another State. I started getting on my feet and took an opportunity a year later to travel abroad for school and work. I so much loved my life abroad that I started planning to bring to kids to my new host country (in Europe). At first he entertained the idea (possibly pretending), but displayed bitterness that I moved overseas (amongst other bitterness). After almost two years of being overseas, and a recent visit back to the States to see them, I took a break and didn’t call for two months after I returned to Europe out of frustration that everytime I called or tried to do my best by them, I had to take so much verbal abuse and disrespect that I stood back to assess everything (out of calling 5 times, I would get them on the line only 1). He didn’t like that move of me not calling and has not let me speak to the children since. It’s been 4 months or so. I’m pretty mentally strong and have already been through hell prior to even moving to Europe. This is just the next dimension, but a piece of me has made piece with whatever has happened or will happen. Such is life. You do your best and leave the rest. Difficult task, but what other choice is there? If anyone has any information how I can effectively inform the authorities or an organization on a minimal budget and from my location, that would be awesome.

  112. Done
    December 28, 2015 at 9:09 AM

    I will always pray for my kids. I don’t want to see my two oldest kids any more (youngest has a different dad). At all. My 29 year old daughter has asked to meet me for the second year in a row. I don’t want to see either one ever again, unless they acknowledge their extreme betrayal, disrespect and treat me as I should be treated. I think it’s disgusting and abuse. These kids had a choice to make, they were bribed and took the bribe. They are accountable and disgusting people. That’s how I feel. So attack me.

    • Kevin
      December 28, 2015 at 10:01 PM

      I think you should allow the reconnection with your daughter to happen. Our children are not to blame, the alienation happens only when a sick alienating parent fills their head with disgusting lies and betrayal, a child only learns what their parents teach them, and one parent is so hell bent on destroying the relationship with the other parent, they will stop at nothing to create the illusion that their other parent is a bad person, and instigates anger and resentment through a campaign of hatred. When the child/children don’t go along with the alienation, guilt and anger is brought on them by the sick parent, and eventually the child feels that get have to make a choice to go along with the anger or they will be subject to anger and aliealnating parent forever. Please don’t ever give up on your children, it’s not their fault.

    • December 29, 2015 at 1:53 AM

      I think we’ve all been attacked enough. I fully support not communicating or wanting too. I wouldn’t piss on my twins if they were on fire and there was no water. It’s the same respect and concern they’d have shown to me and would show in the same situation. No one is better then dear old dad…

    • December 29, 2015 at 7:12 PM

      I will NEVER give up. There is always prayer and hope. I have not seen or spoken to my son since he was 14 years old, he is now 22. I was treated with disrespect and verbal abuse. He has been brainwashed by an evil monster. He is a victim. There are many books on sociopaths, narcissism and parental alienation that you can educate yourself on this behavior. Please consider this before you give up on your precious children. They are victims.

      • Done
        January 9, 2016 at 7:09 AM

        They are not victims. They had a choice. They are choosing evil.

  113. December 28, 2015 at 9:12 PM

    Very discouraged! Haven’t heard one success story rather survival skills. I wonder if there are any proactive strategies that work, if so, I’d like to hear about them as I do not want to say good-bye to my son and future grandchildren forever. God help me for the thoughts I’ve entertained. I refuse to be as sick as my ex filled with all-consuming hatred. I let go everyday but I’m not giving up.

  114. December 29, 2015 at 4:26 AM

    I am beyond the courts. Our divorce was settled six years ago and my oldest is now 22, It’s crazy this psychological hold he has on my oldest son considering they never had much of a relationship. The ex knows how to play the brainwash game..the poor me. He calls my son buddy. He doesn’t know that he’s the parent. There’s no reasoning with a sociopath. I’ve been told when having to choose they chose the parent they’re afraid of losing cause he knows I’ve always loved him unconditionally. It’s sickening but I try not to get angry at my son as he is under the influence of his hateful father. My son is truly the victim here. For now I’m grateful my 16 year old son is with me and doesn’t see his dad who lives only five minutes away. That’s on his dad as I have never stood between them or asked my boys to choose a parent. I would have encouraged it but I will not let him infect my younger son. I only eishbinknew what I was really up against from the beginning. I pray that good will prevail. It has to!
    My deepest sympathy and heartfelt support if you too are going through this with your ex.

  115. Rose
    December 29, 2015 at 4:40 AM

    I agree 100% Don’t ever give up on your children it’s not they’re fault. I just hope my ex lives a long miserable life and a slow death…just sayin!

  116. December 29, 2015 at 8:35 PM

    As a mother…just going through another Christmas without acknowledgement from my children….no gifts, no card, no call…no response to my texts…no thank you for the gifts I sent…..it’s a level of sadness that cannot be adequately described. the children and I shared a sweet and loving relationship. Following a nasty year long divorce, my ex said “if you don’t fight for money, I won’t fight for the children”….done.
    I left an emotionally abusive marriage after 20+ years, without asking for spousal support/alimony. I just wanted my children with me….but that’s when he went to work. Within 3 months….the children
    would return from visits with their father, hostile toward me….my daughter telling me
    “I hate you for ruining the family”…followed by “I hope you have a home invasion”.
    Shortly after, she went to live with him….then my son that had been totally ignored by his dad to the point of therapy throughout his childhood. My son said “dad is my best friend”. I never imagined living without the children…coming home to an empty house was
    truly unbearable most days. The only time the children would come visit me was to retrieve personal items they wanted that remained at my home. When I had major surgery, no call, no visits…it’s all so surreal. As a woman that suffered 4 miscarriages
    before giving birth to the children I had wanted so badly, and relished every moment, loving being a “mommy”…and now….nothing. I miss them so much, and wonder if
    over time and getting away from their fathers constant vitriol…if they will remember
    who I am…their mother that would do anything for a sincere hug or small sign of
    some love toward me. I have taken my ex to court over this, and am facing him again in the spring…I am financially and emotionally exhausted. Thank you for sharing your
    experiences…it helps knowing I’m not
    alone in this sad fog. It gives me the strength to continue to fight. Lila

    • December 30, 2015 at 6:19 AM

      Lila….I’m so sorry. You are not alone. Hope and pray. It will get you through. Your children know your love for them is unconditional. On the other hand, it is conditional on their hatred and absence of you in their life. This is all they know right now because it has been engrained into their innocent minds by an evil monster, sadly, the other parent. Over time, as they begin to mature, they will figure this all out. Pray, it will all come to terms in god’s timing.

      • lynnwessinger66
        December 31, 2015 at 3:11 AM

        Thank you so much for your reply. I do pray they will see the light, and return to me. I hurt for all that go through this,
        and it’s shocking seeing how many parents can be so manipulative…wanting to hurt their exes more than loving their own children.

  117. Renee
    December 30, 2015 at 1:08 AM

    My son’s ex girlfriend has had it in for him with the alienation tactics ever since he moved on an married last year. Funny…she was good enough to be he & his new wife’s daughters godmother!! Guess the Christian has left her.
    Be that as it may…my son, daughter & I pitched in and got a computer for my grandson (16 y.o.). It was a combined gift as none of us really has the money to go it alone.
    Well guess what?! The ex didn’t get him a computer, but the other grandparents did. They knew full well what we did as the grandson told them. Really, are grandparents getting in the game now too? I’m flabbergasted to say the least. My son was ok to be their “son in law” for 15 years. Now their daughter has a bug up her ass so they should have one too? What kind of people are these?!

  118. Rose
    December 30, 2015 at 2:52 PM

    What a crying shame that one person can steal the joy from so many lives. How I could have ever loved such an evil man is baffling to me (and I have taken a hard look at myself). No one deserves this abuse. For my ex i think it boiled done to money and s very dark side. My attorney told me don’t come between a man and a buck. Obviously my ex has deeper issues. He was and still is a prejudice, white supremist, German nationalist. Those kinds of people are a breed of their own. He once framed and put a picture of Hitler in my son’s room which I removed of course. I also went on his computer to find he spent hours a day on sick pornography. He definitely had a dark side I was blind to until he started wearing women’s panties to bed. I went along for a short while but it disgusted me. I wanted a real man in my bed – what a sick f*ck. I have never shared this with anyone. I feel like I still hold his secrets. I could never share this with my boys yet he degrades me! I told my therapist I was gonna beat him at this game. She said you can’t beat a sick mind. I think she may be right. I am angry with God that evil is prevailing. They say fight evil with good but hasn’t worked for me so far. With every attempt to get through to my oldest son, he pushes away further. I know in my heart that I was a good mother. I know somewhere deep down my older son knows I love him and he loves me. I pray that God will intervene and that good will prevail. My heart bleeds for all parents going through this as it leaves such an empty feeling and a hole in our hearts.

  119. December 31, 2015 at 11:34 PM

    I am feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing. I just want all of this craziness to be over. I have a 16 year old daughter I haven’t seen in 10 years, it is such a long story, and is really a carbon copy of the stories you read on here. I hate Christmas. When I feel such pain and craziness. I thought seriously of finishing it, but wasn’t sure I was prepared. Next week I will be. I wish I had the means today. If I do it, it has to be for sure. It can’t be a threat. NO, I can’t spend time in a psych ward and have them take my meds away. NO NO NO. I need them. So many New Years Eve I have woken after 3 days of non-existence. I have to be prepared. I can’t take a daughter who hates me and a son who told me all he needed was his brother. after I have given my heart soul and money to his acting out, lock-ups and jail time. He crashed my car and I can’t afford a new one. And he is angry with me. If he doesn’t need me, nor does my daughter and I spend my life alone, pretending to be happy. No more!

    • January 2, 2016 at 12:42 AM

      Julie, We ALL feel your pain. I know exactly how you feel. I haven’t seen or spoken to my son going on 9 years. It never gets easier because you will never stop being a mother. I REFUSE to give up EVER!!! I will continue to hope and pray. Surround yourself with supportive individuals that understand what you are going through. I can’t say I’m happy ,I’ve just changed my acceptance. Hopefully, as your children mature they will understand. YOU have to be there for them then. You are their one and only mother. That will never be taken away from you. Continue to stay strong and when that day comes, welcome them with open arms and look towards the future with them. Pray. It will happen.

    • lynnwessinger66
      January 2, 2016 at 3:11 AM

      Hold on Julie, hold on…you are valued…even if your children don’t see our value…remember they are pawns. Manipulated and used, and while the pain is unbearable at times, we have to move forward with our lives. Please remember who you are, who you were prior to having children. Life is precious, whether others see our value or not. You are not alone. I’m praying for you

    • chfg
      January 2, 2016 at 4:59 PM

      Julie, we understand your pain. WE love you. God loves you. Go scream and cry. I wish I could be there to hug you. Can you find a church or a support group? Oh I will pray for you today. May God help you. Yesterday the pain was so intense for me I felt like going crazy!!! But I just pray and scream too. You are loved by God. He sees. Oh we feel your pain deeply. I love you. You are not deserving of this. I’m so sorry.

  120. Jane
    January 2, 2016 at 1:24 AM

    When this happened to me I had no idea there was a name for it. I knew my daughter was being turned against me but thats the extent of it. I found out about it by google when I put the current situation in google.
    For me it happened close to 3 decades ago. My husband left me and we agreed to share the custody in a divorce and try and keep our child in contact with both families. However my husband also wished to avoid the responsibility of paying maintenance so behind my back he gave the child to my parents. Being wealthy they hired a lawyer right away and made her ward of court and made a lot of false allegations. It looked like they had prepared in advance for this from the documents I was served with. I had taken up an eastern meditation, my husband was mediterrean, and had many friends of different races which disturbed my white parents. I was brought up hearing many racialist comments and my rejection of this infuriated them. My ex then pushed for a divorce as he had spent time in africa and the young lady he brought back was now pregnant and he said he did a deal that they would give over custody once I finished my teaching qualification. Etc.

    I agreed. However the reality was my ex and his family were soon treated so badly he no longer had contact and I hung on and stuck out the bad treatment. In the courts I had legal access but it was denied most of the time, at one point for a whole 12 months after I remarried. I was unable to get to court for that time. My parents used their money to get what they wanted. My ex saw my daughter put on a stool and interrogated after an access visit.

    My mother took me aside and told me it was done as vengence for me stopping her seeing the grandchild for a month or so when she was small after we had an argument at some previous point.
    And that she would tell any lie, go to any lengths and was even planning to go to the newspapers and would make up stories about me to make sure I never got the girl and that they would go to any lengths to make sure I never got the girl again. A lot of threats were made and I became quite shakey about the guns in the house as my father had been a farmer and was licenced still had all the guns.

    I was having no access and when I did I was tormented and it was very difficult and then these threats were made. My new husband asked me to go to Australia with him so we did. My parents promised after we settled down the child could come. However that never was allowed by them.

    When she turned 18 she came to visit us. I tried to tell her what happened and explain she was not deserted but that a lot of traumatic stuff went down. However she became very upset with me and it put a lot of strain on the relationship. I had another young daughter at this time.

    I tried to tell her what she refused to here in emails. I tried to get her to listen.

    However she did not and she became more closed and our contact became sporadic.

    I had some years when I was extremely traumatised and it was not till many years later when I had another child that I started to recover mentally and emotionally.

    I worked teaching and my husband having a history of ill health was unable to keep permanent work.

    When I became homeless as we could no longer pay high rents in the city we lived in, we moved interstate. My husband has since gone on disability support and we live in a camp site.

    When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I decided to share it with my older daughter as she would feel left out if I did not involve her.

    However the extent of the parental alienation syndrome has since become apparent.

    She refused to let me speak to my very elderly parents or even give me the house phone number and was determined to protect them from potentially getting upset at my situation. They have been kept unaware of both our housing and health situation.

    She repeatedly quizzed me that was I sure it was cancer it was probably something else. I was then told that at my age its not that serious, even though I had a large tumour and the doctors said I had a 48% chance it would return, she dismissed that.

    Three days before the surgery she launched a very upsetting attack on me accusing me of upsetting her when she about visited 15 years previously. All the upsets and concerns and blaming of me and blaming me for the problems came out. At some

    And again I found out I had a kidney problem and on the morning I had a medical appointment about it, again the attack was launched. I was told I was not to be trusted and had to earn trust and she was very upset in a text I had called my parents, my parents instead of grandparents. I explained that when you have children you call your husband dad, you are mum and your parents become grandparents. But it drove her into a fury of accusations about what I did wrong in her visit. And how she came over very open minded and I tried to speak against her grandparents/my parents and upset her. And well it was all a personal attack on me.

    I was told to not reply not text just to listen. This is the normal approach. She launches an attack and I am not allowed to defend myself or have any other point of view.

    I tried to say what I thought she wanted to hear and apologize even though its not how I remember events, but just before an important medical appointment shes timed it to launch a very upsetting attack.
    This time my younger daughter said ENOUGH and texted her that shes ruined Christmas for us as she did this Christmas eve and we have not heard since.

    So yes, my alienated daughter has an idea about me and I am not allowed to say anything but shes angry, blaming me for deserting her by going to australia, blaming me for attempting to tell her what happened and demanding I say nothing to defend myself as she does not want to hear but just wants to lash out. I am told I am not trustworthy and all sorts of things.

    When I found out about this syndrome in google this last week so many of the descriptions resonated with my situation.

    I have an adult child now who has been dumped serially by boyfriends who all opted to return to a previous relationship rather than remain with her. She blames me and vents whenever I am most vunerable, and demands I say nothing. We have not been in contact since the last blow up.

    Shes a very intelligent girl otherwise but she can’t see this. My younger daughter thinks she will go ballistic if I tell her about parental alienation syndrome.

    My ex husband tried to get in contact with her, but that never worked out for him. She doesn’t question that shes not had any contact with his extended family either.
    She thinks they are not interested in her, and she thinks I have an ulterior motive.

    This ruined my life. I had no motivation to look after myself materially for years after this. I was quite shattered. My trust in my nearest family was totally shattered and I was ruined as a result. A lot of tricks and lies and all sorts of things were done. Too long to write here, but I felt quite shattered as a result.

    I was given a book about cancer and I forget the title but the writer believed that cancer is a result of a past emotional trauma and a recent trigger.

    My parents were quite aware that the courts would not do much if they stopped access and told me as much. They said a lot of things.

    My daughter also attacked me and claimed I was acting at the victim. She said I have emotional problems and cannot relate to anyone and they all love me but I have some problem. Very untrue and upsetting stuff. Which she again unleashed after I told her of a medical concern.

    I was naïve enough to believe my daughter would listen to me about this.

    And my younger daughter wants me to put it out of my mind and forget her, as she’s a long way away and we don’t actually see her. I am struggling with that. I stopped trying to talk to her about things a long time back when I realised she would not listen.

    So its a very hard situation. I am feeling a lot of pain from this from the unfairness of it all. I saw this page

  121. marx
    January 2, 2016 at 5:08 PM

    In other countries this kind of thing doesn’t happen as often. Families stick together. It’s horrible what sin does to us. Imagine the first children on earth, Cain and Abel. Cain murders Abel. Imagine the pain of Adam and Eve. The only answer I have is Jesus Christ. I still feel pain over my kids, daily. It hurts like heck. Sometimes i weep profusely. I have no family support, just contempt because I am no longer a parent in their eyes. I am just nothing. My ex has total control over my kids. They think I am worthless. But I have the hope that after this life I will be in heaven with God and there will be no pain. I will be free from agony and pain then. Why did God create me to go through this? Well I don’t know. But I do know God loves me. Sin has wrecked my life. But Jesus is with me through it all. He is the answer to all this. And he can work miracles in families if people let him. We all have free will. We can’t make our kids love us. We can only love God and know that He loves us forever. I feel for all of you so much. I wish I could take your pain for you. If I could take all of your pain on myself I would. But that is what Jesus did. And He will help you through this. Just call on him and be saved. He loves you so much.

  122. January 4, 2016 at 3:23 AM

    Julie- I’ve been in some low spots as well. Please don’t give up cause then evil wins. We do have to move on seek help which has helped me tremendously. It seems the sickest ones never get help just those (us) who are affected by them. I am giving my son to God but leaving my door open. I can’t allow my self to be consumed with the same hatred an anger as then we are as sick as they are. We have to get our strength from God and from those who understand. It helps to talk about it and get out our anger and frustration. By talking about it it takes the power away from those negative thoughts. I am walking beside you and so are many others.

  123. Garnet
    January 11, 2016 at 8:39 PM

    I am here because I have lost custody of my beloved son. The courts have agreed with the Cafcass officer and taken their recommendation, a recommendation beyond my wishes. It is sickening to know that just by one report I have lost my son. Yes I am entitled to see him when I want to but it will bot be the same. They have taken my son away from me and I will never forget that. I have endured alot of heartache to be where I am now through divorce and an unwanted medical termination but no one will know how hard my life has been yet my son will no longer be by my side my only hope is to visit him whenever I can but I realise the law does sympathise with the mother who has done her all go through legal court battles stress depression and pain.

  124. Heather
    January 14, 2016 at 7:45 PM

    What are some clear signs that I’m being alienated?

    • nick
      February 6, 2016 at 1:54 AM

      You will not know much while it is occurring. You will be in denial that something that grotesque is happening. But some signs are extremely abrupt behavioral changes. You offer to reward them for helping with something and they can careless about the reward which normally they would be excited about. They shut down and rarely conversate. Tend not to be happy or smile even if you know they normally should. Defensive of the other parent. And youll see the other parent sit back meaning if they would usually be on gaurd or confrontational, now youll see them in a much more relaxed state as though they are taking a back seat to the show.

  125. J.J.
    February 1, 2016 at 1:09 AM


    I have good news in that my daughter after 22 years now wants a relationship with me. My son doesn’t and probably never will. After going through this for decades I would like to offer my advice.

    1. Try your best to love your kids through this. They will remember it.
    2. If after a long while you need to pull back and let them go/give up, write them and tell them why.
    3. Remember your kids didn’t ask for divorced parents. They are victims. They also are perpetrators when they become adults.
    4. Try to put the past behind you. Do not keep bringing it up.
    5. Follow Jesus through it all. If you haven’t found him yet, he is the best friend ever.
    6. You can’t control someone’s will. Give it to God.
    7. Love yourself and get support.
    8. Do not condemn yourself. Repent and ask for forgiveness if you need to from your kids.
    9. Accept reality. Move on with your life. There is a possibility a child will come back when they are older. Maybe not. It may be decades of waiting. Decades.
    10.You a person who needs love. If your kids don’t want to give it to you, there are others that will.
    11. Remember that our brains don’t totally develop until we are 23 or so. Then when kids get into their twenties they are selfish. It’s a long haul of waiting unless your kids find Jesus and figure out we’re all a bunch of sinful people.
    12. Even when kids come back you’ve lost decades of their life. It’s hard and you will have pain dealing with this.
    13. Grandkids. They are the most innocent. They can’t understand where real grandpa and grandma have been all these years. What agony.
    14. Parental alienation is evil. Those who do it are evil. The bible says overcome evil with good. Oh how do you do this? I sent a bible to my ex’s lawyer. I pray for my ex. Sometimes where I hear about my son and what I am missing I pray for the lost.
    15. It’s normal to feel agony and grief. My family did not support me through this. They now support my ex. They are a bunch of hypocrites. Another tough lesson pointing to the fact that only God should be our focus. He is the only one who never lets us down.
    16. You can’t really trust anyone but God. Sadly.
    17. I’m sorry for what all of you are going through. I really am. I miss my son so much. But I wasn’t exactly the best parent I guess. I tried but my ex took me to court so often I got worn down and was also depleted financially and emotionally. My kids will never understand this so I quit trying to get them to. They have lives of their own and that is their focus. As parents we aren’t their focus unless they are really good kids full of integrity and love. These kind of kids rarely exist in America due to our deteriorating culture. Sadly.
    18. Get a pet or two or three or five.
    19. Give yourself away.
    20. This life is temporary. Eternal life is what you must think about most. God bless.

  126. Colin
    February 6, 2016 at 6:09 PM

    Hello.I want share my sadness and experiences of an alienated parent.its been over 4years now since I saw or heard from I can’t at this stage call them my kids .one I think is 6 th other 16,.I saw them last when th boys were 2,and 12,.it seems block out of my mind .it feels like they died in my heart .my ex wife demon and an angry individual who has done everything possible to ruin me and my happiness on earth.on my once relationships on raising the older boy

  127. Colin
    February 6, 2016 at 7:01 PM

    Losing the two boys 4,years ago the last time iv heard or saw them has changed my life from a struggle mentally emotionaly and souly .I tryd everything I could to speak my older boy whom I raised in Ireland from when he was 6,months old to he was 6years .I gave up everything to be there for him .my ex was american and missed her family .we returned to west Virginia and it ended years later in divorce through my fault I didn love her anymore through her family interference and always putting me down .unbearable at tines .I fell in love with a close friend of mine whom listened and cared greatly for me .I left my ex and that’s when everything went terrible with the ex and kids.my youngest wasn’t born yet .my ex wanted another child to bring us closer but I felt totaly different .I didn want another child and she felt I would raise the second again .it destroyed her then and I feel stil today ..when we separated I was denied any access see any kids especially the youngest who is now a fine boy .I was even denied seen him on his baptism day .birthdays .when he got his legs straighten up because they felt they were bent cause my build as a former soccer player which was nonsense .the youngest had his ear tubes down as he had many ear infections .I was never ever told of any operations ..she remarried to a man whom made it worst .he took control both boys and that was final straw..I couldn deal with argun n constant letdowns and ignored phone calls texts ..like I was dead .Christmas time I send of gifts birthdays I send a text nothing ever replyd back.my parents sent gifts over from Ireland .nobody ever said thank you and they stopped .this caused myself and my dad to not get along because he tried contact the eldest which I felt bypassed my feelings of rejection and betrayal by my father .I having spoke him in year ..I am fully responsible for the divorce .I am responsible for her pain and the kids not having a dad then ..but I am not living rest my life in grieve and I tell folks who ask about do I have kids that they died in my heart .they have changed so much as grown kids do that I don’t recognise them in appearance or in talk or who they are .I see many movies with a happy ever after ending.that is not reality..I continue to pay child support all this time .my ex remarried and lives nice home and new cars nice job .funny but goes church. Every Sunday and her parents whom fuel and ally her vengenance and anger and guilt on me are folks who give out gods holy Communion every Sunday .yet .can’t ….forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation…..I moved away from my ex 700miles I couldn bare drive down the road my my new wife and loving woman whom has saw it all .and see my youngest in a car with them and I try catch up and see what he looks like .they saw me and laughed and drove away …that moment I cried ……their is gods law .their is mans law the courts …I gave up on that law ..I am now behind on child support and been threaten for jail and seizing my passport my drivers license I continue to pay this best I can .iv even asked her pleaded with my ex that her husband adapt the kids and allow me to move on .that way I can live my life in peace with few dollars in my pocket and a loving hand to hold in my wife and peace of god in my soul .no .they told me ….it is your duty to pay …they have it all yet they stil want off me ..I feel robbed betrayed used neglected laughed at insulted disrespected alienated .above all don’t feel like a dad .I feel nothing ..numb .lost and feel if I could turn back time I would never have net such a evil ex wife .I deep down know she will never get over my leaving her .if she was happy she would be a different woman .very clear revenge and hatred runs through th whole family regarding me it seems gets worst as the years go by. .we can’t be stuck in the past .we all must move on .my father always told me every time you get angry and spend all your time thinking of sadness and loss it occupys a space in your head .not worth the rent .the reason why I am spending time on this website is because I realise I am not alone .injustice .rules everywhere.there are many souls like me out there thinking of my words and seeing hey .I’m like him .I’m OK .its not all me at fault ..okay I screwed up I said sorry my ex wife even to this day of what happened 7,years ago or more .but what she has done to me balances everything out .let it go ..be happy …if you can sleep at night that tells you your at peace .I do ..when you don’t think all the time of your loss your doing okay .you can’t get over your losing your kids but you can learn live again .you can learn to feel again one day it took me years settle again with my wife I still hav my moments of loss self control .but hey I’m okay ..I couldn’t watch kids on TV .or movies of father and kids might would just break down and leave the room .I shed a tear now as I write these words .but hey .I’m okay .I tryd commit suicide when my ex wife wouldn’t let me see te kids before our divorce she used that against me in court and my visitation rights were on her acceptance .I had none I gave up then slit my wrist to top my elbow .I was rushed hospital and almost bled to death .today I can barely bend my two small fingers ..hey …..I’m still here stronger than I ever was ..I urge parents never do what I did .let hateful spouses or wives or husbands make you feel you want take your life ..even for the love of losing your kids .you are you .god created you .you will live .you wil love again .you wil smile again you will see again ..you wil because I did I do and I want everybody out there struggling in pain and grieving death of their kids even thought their alive but not in your life ..to be assured you will become very strong over time ..you have to for to survive I feel the hardest thing in the world .to lose your kids forever…until maybe jus maybe ……the kids will finally see the truth .gods law ..and pick up the phone or simple text..or a nice smal card …saying ……’hi dad’…..if not in your reality life …maybe in your dreams …when you sleep peacefully at nite ..Colin ..Dublin Ireland .

  128. Nikita
    February 12, 2016 at 11:00 AM

    Thank you so much for your blog. I thought I was completely alone in this. My sister in law took me to court to get foster care of my son. She has completely alienated him against me. We have not had a descent conversation in 2.5 years. She first said she would assist me with him passing primary school, then when she met my boyfriend (now my husband) said he can stay as long as he likes. My husband and I thought it would be good to first wait to get married and then move all of us into one house, but before that could happen my sister in law field for foster care after a year in court the magistrate decided that we dont have a good communication flow and therefore awarded her foster care. My son is also a cleptemania and I wanted to get him help but have been blocked by our justice system. So much for mothers that cares. I am still trying to forgive her for what she has done. Let me know if you have any ideas.

  129. Mary
    February 13, 2016 at 8:35 AM

    I am stunned at the number of men and women who are going through this . When my x took my daughter I felt like death could not be a worse fate . I was a teen mom and for years the ailienatiin continued . I’m weeping as I write this because I want you all to know that there is hope for being reunited with your child . Please don’t give up and please take care of yourself the best you can . I was convinced that I would never have a relationship with my baby girl and back in those days, in the 60’s, I didn’t know of anyone else who was going through such a thing.
    My story is a long one with so much to recount but please know that no matter what you think or how bad it seems , God can reverse ailienation and reunite you with a very special love that words cannot describe. Although her childhood years were taken from us we were gradually reunited over the years and God has healed the pain and continues to heal and bring us closer together then I ever would have believed could happen. She’s an adult now . We have a healthy adult mother/ daughter relationship and really , we are probably closer in many ways ,then many who never went through this phenomenon of a long painful separation.
    So please take heart and trust that no matter what anyone tries to make you think , there is great hope and you can trust God to help you through this . Even if your child seems to have been completely disconnected from you , that can all change.

    I wish I would not have let sorrow overcome my hope for a future with my daughter because during those years spent apart from her , I tried to numb the pain with alcohol and yes, I contemplated suicide, which only prolonged the pain and made it worse
    . No one was able to convince me that we would be reunited one day . I was overwhelme with sorrow , thinking that my beautiful little girl would grow up not wanting to have anything to do with me . But I was wrong . God , in his wisdom knew what he was doing and I’ve learned how to trust him greatly through all of the twists and turns in life.
    I want to write more but for now I just want to encourage all of you , please , do not give up hope.


    • February 20, 2016 at 10:10 PM

      Mary, So happy for you. I hope and pray it will happen for me too. It’s been 8 years now since I have seen or even spoken one word to my son. I’m so tired of trying to hang on and my heart aches each and every day. So sad that a parent would do this to a child.

  130. February 21, 2016 at 12:27 PM

    I am going through this exact thing. My Ex has alienated my kids to the point that none of them will have anything to do with me. The only thing I am guilty of is not wanting to be with her anymore. She was abusive, mentally and physically. My boys who are adults now in their early 20s still won’t give me the time of day, and my Daughter (who is 14) treats me as if I’m a drug dealer. It is painful to live everyday never seeing my children or knowing how they are doing. My ex is supposed to keep me informed, but, of course informs me of nothing. It’s as if I don’t have children anymore……its terrible. If not for my own family and friends I don’t know where I’d be. I am however, at the point where I have to move on and focus on the people that have actually stood by me and supported me throughout all of this. I can’t waste anymore time on my ex and what she has done as it is all consuming. It has never been enough for her. She destroyed me financially and when I was practically homeless and could barely support myself due to losing 75 percent of my pay to her and my pension, she added insult to injury telling my kids and everyone else that I was a deadbeat bum who didn’t want anything to do with his children anymore. She is mentally ill and a skilled narcissist and master alienator. The family courts here seem to encourage perjury and dishonesty and certainly don’t think alienation even exists. When I bring this subject up to people, most basically scoff at it and think the alienated parent is using it as an excuse…….so……after too long of this, I am taking a step back………hopefully by kids will come around, and realize what has happened someday…………………….

    • NY in CA
      March 19, 2016 at 4:22 AM

      Burt: Same here. I lost my 3 children and the family court system did not do anything about it. To the court, I am just an ATM machine with no parental rights. 2 years and over $250k in legal fees……now the kids say they don’t want me in their life. I am letting go. This is a painful decision but necessary to relieve the pain and end this conflict.

  131. Shannon
    February 21, 2016 at 9:57 PM

    After 12 years of child support and fighting the alienating mother (and not even seeing his child for 10 of those years, our son has finally given up his parental rights. They were awarded joint custody, but from that point on, it was mind games, false accusations, going to court, going to pick his child up and getting every excuse in the book why he can’t have him that day, and everything else an alienator does. He’s given up! He had to declare bankruptsy from all the hospital and outpatient visits. (hundreds of thousands of dollars that his insurance company wouldn’t pay because they were unnecessary visits. And meanwhile our grandchild is going thru every painful test in the book at a different hospital everytime) She moved out of state without permission, and moved every 6 months after that with different men. One can only afford about so much of the court system, but hers was all FREE! He would have like to get an education., but No, not for fathers. Meanwhile…she’s got a master’s degree in Theatre, and doesn’t work. He has high blood pressure, and struggles emotionally from her abuse. I give him credit for going 12 years before putting up the white flag. Don’t even talk to me about deadbeat dads because there are plenty of deadbeat Mom’s. My son’s a gentle soul, but he finally had to think of the family that lives under his roof. (He’s been in the same place for 10 years.) His son is autistic. It would have been so much better to have a stable environment. His greatest worry is how to tell His little boy why he may never see his big brother. He asks us that all the time because we’ve never kept the fact that he has a big brother from him. I hope someday he goes and tries to find him.
    And, by the way, we, as grandparents have not seen our oldest grandchild for 10 years either. Our hearts ache

  132. Patrick
    February 22, 2016 at 7:01 PM

    Today I sit outside my home 1000 miles away from my kids reading your posts here. My thoughts and prayers are to you all.It has been over 4 yrs since I have seen my kids. The ex says that she has done nothing wrong and my children have their own minds about not having a relationship with me. She says she can not force them. My kids were loving to me and my new wife, then the letter of goodbye came and that was the last time I have seen or spoken to them both.I continue to reach out to them. I am a broken father ,that has missed precious time, but ,my hopes are fading fast.I don’t know what else to say or do for us here. Wish I could take away the pain we all feel.

    • Mike P.
      February 29, 2016 at 3:49 PM

      A lot of alienation stops or at least “picks up” when the non-custodial parent meets someone and – God forbid – is happy. My ex flat-out told me I needed to live in an efficiency apartment for the rest of my life and everything else was “hers.” She’s used the kids against me for the last year and a half, because she knows that I am with someone who is not abusive and I am happy. The sense of entitlement that some of these ex-‘s have in regards to not only money and property, but also the children is stunning.

      • Amy
        March 1, 2016 at 4:32 AM

        eh, not mine. He met someone, tried to get me declared “unfit” so his new wife could adopt my boys… when that didn’t work, he took me to court to get child support and than made sure I knew he used that money so he and his new wife could go on vacations… with my kids.

  133. Crissina
    February 26, 2016 at 3:18 PM

    I’m so glad I came across this site. I’m not really even sure this applies to my situation, but it feels like it does.
    15 years ago I have birth to my first child, a boy. During my pregnancy, labor and delivery; his grandmother was always there. She was a single mother who never had a relationship with her only son’s father or anyone else. Shortly after the birth of my child I began to feel as though she was over-bearing. After 18 months the father of my child and I divorced. We agreed on everything and had a great visitation schedule and worked very well together to co-parent our child. When my son was 7 his father died and my hell began. His grandmother petitioned the court for visitation and through many lies and manipulation was granted. My wishes or the previous agreement with my son’s father weren’t taken into consideration at all. With in the first year my son gained 60 pounds and began a downhill slide to obesity, depression and anger. Any concerns I have in regards to his health are quickly met with excuse and denial. If I restrict or limit foods, she gives him more of them. She saved all of her son’s clothing, the bed he died in and many other items. My son is now 15 and sleeps in the bed his father died in, wears his father’s cloths and is compared to his father all the time. I see the misery on his face when I say anything about it. When his grandmother comes to pick him up for her visits, his face and attitude immediately changes. He is happy and excited. I have fought and fought and fought and I’m at the end of my rope. My current partner and I have 2 children and I feel as though they are beginning to suffer as well. I love my son and want him to be happy, I just don’t know what else to do.

  134. Nicole
    March 11, 2016 at 1:11 AM

    Very good article. I am currently trying to stop my ex’s process of alienating my beloved daughter from me, through courts and proper evaluation, which I hope will help my child before it is too late.
    At this point, I am going through episodes of anger, as well as despair, at times fear and depression, but I will not let go, I will try everything possible to save my child from this terrible abuse. Parental alienation is a brutal crime no truly loving parent would commit. All parents who commit this crime are battling a hateful war with one weapon: their innocent children
    I truly hope one day parental alienation will be considered a punishable crime.
    And I hope I will never feel this anger ever again, as I do not deserve such feeling.
    God, please help us all and our very loved children

  135. Ed . D
    March 17, 2016 at 4:34 AM

    First thanks
    Please lead me into suport group.i north of san diego.areas.
    I was married to a family law lawyer.. for 14 years. A domistic violace. By innates ,and educatins and job training and job experiencs…all created a ruthlesslesly ex I ended up homeless fore while. Than repounded. Inroute. Not giving up. By all means..ratianal. .necessry
    It is not your fault..nevermind the start or the end. don,t blame the child.. ever
    ..keep cool. When and if you say any thing about the other parent…by default you are working against yourself. Be flixble…and don,t compermise your rights.stand up..
    There is no luck..no hope..just work hard. Stay alert.
    These partners ae Pradetors.have no respect..

  136. Ange
    March 19, 2016 at 9:53 AM

    I feel the same as you all. Having had to flee a mentally abusive relationship but leave my children with my ex-husband, the abuse and control never goes away. And now having had my son live with me for the past 10 weeks as he was beginning to fell the same, he is moving back thanks to an agreement which was unknown by me, that all was temporary and a trial. I will now for a second time loose my child.

    The pain second time round is I barrage, knowing as all you do that we are the losers who have to bend to the wishes of the winners or face loosing it all.

    Being a mum you only get looked upon with even more contempt by society and to loose for a second time just makes you look like a really bad parent, when your child was happy but you were unaware of the rules of the game.

    I don’t know how it will play out for any of us, it if we can get better or learn to live with the pain. But at least we know we are not alone.

  137. losing hope
    March 21, 2016 at 5:19 AM

    I lost my kids at Christmas last year. They want nothing to do with me. I have lost the will to live, but I refuse to give my ex wife the satisfaction of knowing she has beaten me down.

    I just met my younger daughter face for the first time in 7 months, and she took that opportunity to tell me off to my face, after travelling 1000 miles, and losing a child support reduction appeal in court. It was a long 1000 mile drive home.

    Idiot judge said because I moved out of state and had not seen my kids since I moved that I don’t get a CS reduction. I make $35K and exwife makes $150K, and I have to pay her $650 a month? Really?

    Omg I was stay at home dad for 10 years. My daughter telling me to go away forever destroyed me. I woulda felt better if she whacked me with a bat. The ex sitting there smiling the whole time was unreal.

    Someday the kids will figure out how evil their mother is, right? The kids will speak to me again sometime? I need some hope here, because I am fading fast. The kids have no idea how much time and money I spent to preserve my rights to see my kids, they think I abandoned them.

  138. Dana
    March 21, 2016 at 7:55 PM

    Just want to thank everyone for participating on this online support group…going through the same thing and now it has entered into my personal life, lost 5 jobs in 5 years…your stories have warmed my heart with your love for all your children young & old…my youngest won’t talk to me now…but I’ll just send Holiday Cards until I’m told to stop…reaching out to people who are going through this fills the emptiness that I am not alone and realizing that I am dealing with someone with frontal lobe damage…
    Seeing youtube videos of grown kids speaking out of what they witnessed while young against the other parent hits me really HARD, how I know what all of you are going through, it is a loss, a grief, a missing component of my life, forcing me to move forward, digging deeper into myself, when all the questions I ask run out, the trust is gone, no faith in the future, there is only me left, it’s a good me, a me who is worthy, a me who cares about all life on the planet, I will not let this change me, but enhance my goodness into something bigger!

    • Trish
      March 29, 2016 at 7:09 PM

      It’s so important and wonderful to have this support. I went through this for years and haven’t spoken to my daughter in years and haven’t seen her for ten years. The last conversation I had with her she was looking for any money her grandfather left her which was nothing. He left everything to his current wife but of course she didn’t believe me and said (in true alienated form) that her attorney would be contacting me. I had had contact with my son who is completely dependent on his father who spent his college money but it’s only at my contact that we have any conversation. The alienation has completely disabled him from having any future. His father made him promises and he believed him so now his father will be supporting him for the rest of his life. Alienation does nothing but hurt the kids. I am lucky that I have some contact with my son and he knows I paid the full amount of child support for him voluntarily and not because the courts removed him but because I never saw him anymore and it was due to my ex keeping him from me. It was only a matter of time before he went to the non understanding courts and told him that my son wouldn’t go with me anymore. So it’s important to stick together as parents of these children. I still say don’t give up but don’t get abused by your children either. They have learned this abuse by the alienation.

      • Cheryl
        June 12, 2016 at 9:04 PM

        No parent mother or child should ever be put in the situation or have to endure this alienation.
        My heart breaks for all of us this is never supposed to be part of the plan.
        I read all of these stories and wonder why any of this has to happen. It is pure evil.
        I miss my kids terribly but I know I an amazing Mom!!!!

      • Terry
        June 14, 2016 at 11:43 PM

        it is good to hear from you. Each one of us are suffering from the other parent. In my story although I have no so called proof the children father suffers from a mental illness he is a person that is a narcissistic type of person that can talk the talk but not walk the walk. I am travelling to his community in June for a presentation which am part of — I feel bad that his wife will not allow him to partake in this presentation but then on the other hand am very glad he is not allowed. I have a plan this time because he has to follow me around town walk into yard where am visiting, in a short sentence he is stalking me. I have been to the police and talked to them. The police have made contact with the police in that community and that is all I know. It is terribly sad to have to go to this type of extreme measures but I do have to look after myself, Because it takes two days to get there and back home, I am overnighting in a small hamlet on the way drive in be part of the presentation and leave. Maybe I will get lucky and miss him this time.

      • Terry
        July 10, 2016 at 9:56 PM

        hi Cheryl it is rainy hard here today, but we need rain. The last in my struggle with the man I left is the fact that 2 of my adult children will not talk to me and they live in the same city that I do. I struggle with this it is hard for a adult child to pick which parent they like best — gee when you are raising your children it is hard not be pick one of a group as better, smarter, better dancer etc. so the feelings would be the same for an adult child. In my case I have money but because old age is approach am not giving it out as in present, no sorry but I plan to look after myself as I age and for that I need money. I am retire and pension just does not make all that I need. You know the cost of groceries we all do and that is not going to change. My plan is to exercise hard right now and it keep myself in the best of shape I can and being very careful on stairs ice and others things that would create a fall for example. I go to the gym daily and I work hard this is good for relaxation of the mind. Have a good and take care

      • Terry
        July 16, 2016 at 7:47 PM

        It has take me like 24 years and I have researched and research the reason why I married the father of my children and all the reason why I left I will use point form
        The signs s of a misogynist person are as follows.
        extremely possessive
        jealous over the child children
        first class spender
        product of a dysfunctional family
        distorted view of reality
        problem with authority figures
        would make fun of me
        embarrass me in public big time
        wanted my undivided attention
        self centered cocky
        preoccupied with ex (me) all the time
        believes in traditional stereotypes
        twist facts to make himself look good
        takes no responsibility
        makes jokes puts woman down
        cut down my family/sibling
        would pout like a child his lower lip came out to pout looks funny on a guy that is 45
        He sored 100% on the misogynist list

      • Molly
        July 31, 2016 at 12:50 AM

        hi it is rainy here today. I have had a good day. I know most of us myself included dwell on the heart ache and pain from the divorce and that most of your children have taken sides right or wrong. I have good news am remarried to a nice guy who as a family his oldest son gave a gift for no reason at all— well to make a long story short am a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and I take a lot of ribbing about this . My story here is this stepson gave me a singed limited addition Toronto Maples Leafs puck nice give for no reason just a gift. he is a nice young man. My fourth son was here for the weekend with his wife and children he spotted the puck and asked and I told him the simple story that I have just typed. He did not say a word hum — it comes time for him and his family to go home we are outside he was in the truck and got out and came over and gave me a hug that is close to the first hug– is it connected to the puck I do not know. but I took the hug have a good day.

    • Peter
      June 11, 2016 at 4:42 AM

      Please never stop sending those cards and greetings. Never stop telling your kids you love them unconditionally. Both your ex and they will conveniently forget the stuff they put you through and ignored.
      Tell you kids you love them every single chance you get. The pain and frustration lessens as you learn to expect nothing but grief in return.
      Being right is fun. Enjoyable. Rewarding.
      Doing the right thing, your right thing, is nothing short of pure pain.

      • Terry
        June 12, 2016 at 5:27 PM

        Good Morning I am reply to this email that you have sent. In my story sending cards and greeting etc they are sent back unopened in the mail. I received one phone call from my oldest son saying that I was not his mom, I wonder who is. The math was simply this involved money and if one of my children claimed I was not their mom — all money would go to their dad I have many angels in my life and one of them spoke the money did not move to their dad. At this time in my life, I gave birth to 5 the oldest one has rejected me ( he is an alcoholic like his dad ) 2nd child died at age 14 3rd child died at age 25 days s 4th child won citizen of the year 2015 last child has not talk to me ( except for a nasty email this pass month) in 10 years now. I am going very soon back to the community to be part of a presentation that holds the child that died at 14 in great honors it is a yearly event done by the school. I can and am part of this child that I gave life too. This unfortunate but this dad is not allowed to attend because of his new wife, she is wrong we are the parents of this child and always will be.

  139. Summer
    March 23, 2016 at 9:09 PM

    Im done i am signing my …..t…s away after my daughter lied that i beat her i lost my career my marriage my life my children and finally the GAL REPORT comes out after 3 years and she lied about it all but the damages cant be undone…. I’m left empty everyone thinks I hurt her I can’t do life anymore ….my own daughter my flesh n blood I’m beyond devastated.

  140. April 6, 2016 at 5:48 AM

    I am an alienated mom and it’s been going on now for a lot of her life but complete alienation for 4years. I don’t no what to do anymore? Lawyers the court system, 730 evaluations, & people sent from s.service to talk don’t listen or do the homework it just made everything worse. I cry daily&she just turned 17. The Judges never cared about my motherly or civil right’s. The paternal side is very wealthy and has turned her cell phone off when she was 13 never giving me no way to reach my own child. They are in contempt of the standing court order,they take her places and I never no where. I usually find out through social media. They bought her a car @16& her 3.5grade average went to all Ds&f’s&1A in cheerleading. She is a angry young lady and has been since she stopped seeing me& My side of her family.The paternal grandma told her @12 she didn’t have to see me if she didn’t want to. At 12I asked her how she felt about that she said I want to be with u & grandma more. As soon as she hit 13 she we rote a letter to my mom saying she needed sometime to spend with her friends and she would be in touch, we thought it was growing pains , wanting independence. 4Years later I don’t speak, see, or know anything about my own DAUGHTER. She has zero boundaries, she is very entitled financially. I have even threatened and lyed about by her paternal grandparents and her father is a scared mammas boy. I’m afraid to go to court because they’ve never done anything to help me but they have hurt me..This is a form of child abuse and a case a severe parent alienation. I’m treated So bad by these people if I drop off Christmas gifts etc. They have never tryed 1 time to make sure my daughter had her parents in her life. Just her dad, who moved out of the house she was just 13!! He lives with his girlfriend of 4years now but lyed to the investigator last time I was in court. I can go on but I need help so bad.They won’t even give me her phone # if I needed to reach her.I love her so much but each day that passes by my heart feels more broken. I don’t know if she is okay, she is struggling in school but if they knew I new her grades they would take me off the school portal. They had me taken of her Cheerleading portal so I couldn’t be apart of her competition or help fundraise. I also don’t want my girl to hate me more than she already does. And to be honest I don’t no why. I tryed to give her a family with 2parents But he took his mom’s financial bribes, money, cars, etc, over his family. But i’m the one thst got hurt right along with her. Any advice. Please Trisha

    • Trish
      April 7, 2016 at 2:32 PM

      HI Trisha, yes, I absolutely can relate. My ex used to bring my son and daughter to every court hearing on the off chance that the judge would hear their testimony as to how horrible of a mother I am. I was removed from everything and every part of their lives. No matter how much you try to be a parent and be involved, it was no use. The Hillsborough County courts in Florida were useless. The judge that heard my case over a period of 6 years eventually left the bench because she couldn’t handle it. Her thing was that counseling could fix everything and even one of the two counselors we saw said the children were alienated by the father. That did nothing and contempt was not a high enough fee for him to care about keeping the children from me. So how did I finally stop this vicious circle of abuse against me? I finally started taking care of myself and putting myself first because I was told by my doctor if I didn’t I would eventually crumble. I was at one of my lowest points but I had to eventually realize that I had fought the good fight for as long as I could both financially and emotionally. At one point you have to be yourself and give up your role as a parent. I eventually reconnected with my son but he has turned out to be lazy and mooches off his father. I explained that his father spent his tuition money and he knows that I voluntarily paid the maximum amount of child support without having to be asked. I walked away from my own sanity and to stop the abuse against me. I didn’t deserve to be treated like this and won’t anymore. It was a hard decision but I have had to divorce myself of the role of a parent. I have contact with my son via phone and he lives in another state but it will never really be a mother/son relationship again and I take it for being as much of a friend to him as I can right now. I never even expected that I would see him again or talk to him again so while I have divorced myself of being abused, I didn’t give up total hope that I would have contact again. However, it’s on my terms and with no abuse. However these children grow up I will not be abused by them like their father emotionally abused them. It’s a pattern they learn with alienation and will happen with their children as well. The studies they have done over the years prove this. I wish you all the best Trisha and feel free to reach out at any time to connect. Thanks God I have faith and it’s the only thing that has seen me through this.

  141. Jayne
    April 6, 2016 at 7:53 PM

    I have been alienated from my children. I have not seen my oldest daughter for 10 years, she is now almost 26, my son for 9 years (he was 20 yesterday) and my youngest daughter 3.5 years (who just turned 18). He says the kids do not want to see me. We all live in the same town. Everyone says that they will come back to me but I don’t believe this. Parental Alienation is very real. My ex-husband would stop at nothing to alienate the children. He completely vilified me. I don’t believe that anything can be done to save my relationship with my children. My advice is to act immediately when the alienation starts and stop it in its tracks. My heart goes out to the other parents out there that are currently going through this. I truly know how you feel. Once your children have been alienated from a parent they will never be the same again.

    • Trish
      April 7, 2016 at 12:36 PM

      I totally agree with you. Stop it early since its very real and affects your life in so many ways.

      • Cheryl
        April 14, 2016 at 3:14 AM

        Trish my heart brakes for you and I completely indentify
        I am 2 years not seeing my kids
        My son will be 16 and daughter 21

        I am missing milestones!! Does it ever get easier????

    • Cheryl
      April 9, 2016 at 3:41 AM

      I have to say that my hear breaks when I read these stories. I want you and everyone to know that I am praying for you. I have 2 children that are very much affected by this alienation game that dad has played.
      I have not spoken to my daughter who is 20 in two years and my son who is 15 in 15 months.
      If anyone can please tell me how to fill this gaping black hole I would be eternally grateful.
      Nothing in my life feels right.
      To all these parents who have dealt with this, you are stronger than you imagine. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

      • Trish
        April 14, 2016 at 6:52 PM

        Hi Cheryl. It takes some time to grieve the loss of not seeing your children. This took me a long time and some days it was almost impossible to feel anywhere near normal again. For me when I used to see my ex bring them to the court room to try and testify against me and tell the judge they did not want to see me it was like a nightmare. These were children that I cherished and never abused and they were part of my body at one point. It amazed me that they could be so brainwashed. Over a period of years 5 to 7 I eventually had to finish the fight and walk away. Not seeing them for some time allowed me to start to get my strength back. He would keep them from me and it was always another court visit to try and get them back. My kids were 10 and 15 by this time. I was done and knew that the judge would allow my almost 16 year old to go wherever she wanted. You eventually get tired of being rejected and for me I had to be the person that I was pre parent and realize that parenting was a role I needed to leave behind. Sometimes in life we are forever to go on alone and I slowly started to get stronger. My faith helped me get through this. I eventually was able to reconnect via phone with my son and saw him in person. It seemed like someone else’s child and I still struggle with my conversations with him today. He unlike my daughter is not abusive towards me but his contact with me now is only motivated by what money I might have to offer so I am cautious. Not ideal but some contact. So my best advice is to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. I spent too many years beating myself up and still do this today so I have to be conscious of it. Much love and prayers from me Trish

      • Cheryl
        April 17, 2016 at 2:03 PM

        Thank you for taking the time to respond to me and to give me feedback. I am heartbroken on a daily basis and I have to say that I never saw any of this coming or ever being a part of my journey. I pray for you and for all the struggling parents and children. This is real whether we want to believe it or not. I can not wait to see what God has planned for me because I have so much love and affection to share and give and it is being wasted.
        Much love and appreciation

      • Trish
        April 18, 2016 at 3:50 PM

        Hi Cheryl. You are welcome and I know exactly how you feel. Everyone keeps saying if I had married the right person and had children that it would have been better but it’s hard not to take it personally especially when other mothers haven’t been through this. It feels weird to have that part of my life have suddenly dropped off and it takes some time to adjust Especially hard when you see mothers around you that don’t care about their kids. Many hugs from me and take good care of yourself. If you are ever in NC drop me a line. Take care Trish

  142. April 13, 2016 at 3:14 PM

    My 17 year old son ripped my heart out monday. I was blindsided. He stood outside in the cold after school for an hour and a half just so he could call his dad and get sympathy, then ask to move there. Then he asked me if he can go live with his dad cuz “he cant take living here anymore” I said yeah whatever cuz he is always thinking the grass is greener. Then he said he pretty much doesnt want me in his life. I asked y he wanted to go cuz there was no real issue that happened. He then said i dont talk to people that dont care about me. He just got his license and he has had a car to drive over there so i think he traded his mom in for a car. He has always been selfish, lazy, entitled, and messy. But i always knew he had a good heart and i thought he was going thru teenage issues. So after he said he wants to move there cuz its more like a “family” which set me off. He is the one who trashes our home, screams at his xbox all day and night if he loses, refuses to do anything i ask him nicely until i get to the screaming. He does nothing around the home besides clean his room. So maybe it would be more like a “family” if there wasnt someone screaming like a lunatic. So he started blaming me for things that clearly he had done. His dad was hiding years 1 -5. Then once a month ages 5-7 then age 9-10 once a month. Then he was gone 5 straight years from 2008 to 2013. In 2014 i had a agument w his soulless wife and she texted that “once my son is 18 if we have an argument my son is gonna break my heart, and i will pay dearly for the choices i am making.” So that day i flipped out and told my son he can go move right now and he was gonna pack his boxes and he started bawling his eyes out begging to stay w me she said ” My son would probably barely call or visit much after he turns 18″ and then he started saying that to me. I told her i have been there for my son since birth and i dont think he will fall for that cuz he knows i love him and we have a pretty good bond.

  143. Becca
    April 19, 2016 at 6:56 PM

    How do I let go? I ‘am married to a nice man who’s ex did this to him some 19 years ago. She even told him when they got a divorce she just wanted kids from him so they would be good looking. When i first met my husband he was still angry, grieving, etc. He has a daughter 30 and a son 20 and they live faraway. My husband let go years ago. But I have found his kids on facebook and i manged to get in contact with his son. His son told us he didn’t even know he had a biological father till he was 10. He was told the new husband was his real dad. Hate to say this but the kid is pretty messed up. So that relationships is kind of at a stand still for now. The daughter I’ve many times message her without getting a response, that really upsets me. I’ve a grown son from another marriage and he has a relationship with both parents. I feel so bad for my husband even though he has let go and we don’t really talk about it to much. I hate his ex for doing this. She has made her own daughter a hypocrite. And what I mean by that is she has become a family therapist. I just can’t for the life of me understand why a parent would be so selfish, this is a life not a thing. To me theirs nothing better than family. And to think of all that my husband has missed out on STINKS!

  144. Faith
    April 21, 2016 at 3:23 AM

    Could someone please contact me pertaining to this matter. I’ve been grieving for over three years over my children. I was a stay home mom for 16 years who cherished every moment of their lives.
    After a long & tramatic divorce,
    living in the court system
    fighting for my children. I spent over 75,000 dollars in this process.
    By the time of the last court date my daughter was 18. My beautiful baby girl.
    I have not seen or heard her voice in over three years.
    It feels like a death. Although, having an amazing attorney & symphatic judge my minor son was to be return to me.
    I cry daily over my daughter. It’s an ache you can not discribe unless you’ve walked in my shoes.
    I know she has been brainwashed by her controlling father & unstable stepmother who is twenty years younger than their father.
    If anyone can help me
    give me hope, guidance & words of wisdom
    I would be forever grateful.
    Right now I just put all my faith in God!

    • Adele
      April 24, 2016 at 3:19 AM

      To Faith,
      You are not alone. All the people on this site are grieving the lack of contact with our children at the hands of the other parent who should, but does not have the child as a priority. You are not sick. The other parent is. You are only able to work on you and learn to cope with this amazing loss.
      My son has been gone for just over a year to live with his dad. I cried every day and I finally decided that I will “leave the door” open to my son. He is 14 so a young, very impressionable you man. I send him text messages and leave a vm once a week. With the same message. “I love you son and I am here for you when you are ready.”
      I don’t get a response ever but at least I know I am doing the right thing.
      Praying for peace for me, for his dad, especially my son.
      You have to learn to work through the anger. It will hurt you and drag you down.
      My prayers for you and all us parents dealing with sick people who use our children in their silly control games. It is always the child who will not win.

    • Cheryl
      April 24, 2016 at 9:46 PM

      I want to say as a mom who is living with the alienation for 2 years and not seeing or speaking with 2 of my children, it is the hardest most unacceptable thing I would ever imagine as a parent enduring. I was looking at old family photos of myself my husband and the kids yesterday. The deal was supposed to be that although we could not make the marriage work that our children would keep whatever sense of normalcy that we could give them!!

      They and I do not deserve what has happened. I am and always have been an incredible MOM!! The fact that I do not get to see them and they have become accustomed that Mother’s Day means nothing…

      Is wrong. In every way.

      God please watch over my babies and keep them safe. Help them remember the good, the great, we shared!!!

      Life and family was never supposed to be this way and I pray for any parent or child affected by alienation!! 🙏🙏🙏

    • April 26, 2016 at 4:23 AM

      Just sign your rights away and give them every picture, every last item that reminds you of them, all their belongings, and cut them out your life, then they might come back when they learn to appreciate you. Thats what I am doing with my 17 and a half year old son. His dad bought him off with promises of a car and no rules. Now his dad is freaking out cuz he realizes he cant hurt me anymore, and now he is stuck with a spoiled child after he was a deadbeat dad all his life.

      • Cheryl
        May 1, 2016 at 12:09 AM

        You should try and get your life back. Not the life of being a mom, but yourself. Find out what you can do to live life for yourself and pray that your children remember and come back. It is sad and heartbreaking and I can completely identify. All my pain and sadness will not bring my kids back. So after 2 years I am changing gears and trying to find a NEW way of life. Good luck to you!! 🙏

      • Trish
        May 1, 2016 at 2:33 PM

        Hang in there Cheryl. I had to do the same thing. I signed them over and paid the full child support amount voluntarily so they couldn’t come after me later. I had to move on because if I didn’t I think it would have killed me.

  145. Adrian
    April 21, 2016 at 12:30 PM

    I have a sad story with a happy silver lining. I was married for 18 years and have a 15 year old daughter and an 11 year old son. My wife is a notorious helicopter parent that wants to micromanage everything in my children’s lives. This problem resulted in our separation 4 years ago. She started by refusing to allow me to talk with the children over the phone. She would respond that “they are not ready” and hang up. After about 30 days of this garbage, I retained legal counsel and received 50/50 Joint Custody of the children. Everything went well for about a month. However, I started noticing that my ex-wife would put my young son out of the car first during our exchange. My son and I would wait at the exchange for about 10 minutes while my daughter and ex-wife argued. My daughter would be so upset when she got out of the car that she would be holding herself and shaking. I would ask what was wrong, but she would not answer and I would let it go. She would quickly adjust to home and everything seemed to go fine with her throughout the week. This process occurred about three times with my daughter and ex-wife before I got a call from my lawyer saying that my daughter had attempted to commit suicide. I frantically attempted to contact my ex-wife for hours, but no answer. This was the day before our custodial exchange. I kept calling the next day to find out should I pick up the kids. I finally go to pick them up to be met by two Child Protective Service Workers and two Police Officers. I was informed that I was being accused of sexual assault and that my children would be taken into Protective Custody if I attempted to exercise visitation. I was ultimately charged with Sexual Assault, was terminated from my position as a College Professor due to the charges, and did not see either of my children for eighteen months. All Protective Services and Criminal Charges were ultimately dismissed and I received Custody of my son. However, I decided that I could just not trust starting over with my daughter because I am scared of being falsely accused again. I have my son in Youth Sports now. However, my ex-wife will not let my daughter come to my son’s games. In spite of it all, I have let go of the anger. It’s too bad that my ex wants to keep this up because she did not have a good relationship with her father.

  146. Kaila
    May 2, 2016 at 11:37 PM

    I have had both of my kids alienated from me. By a very evil family. My daughter used to hate me for many years, as well as scorn and mock me, but due to God teaching her humility through various testings/trials she is now opening up to me after twenty years. My son remains distant and I will never have a relationship with him. He doesn’t want one. My kids were mentally abused, brainwashed, and they don’t even know it, or want to admit it. If they could admit it, it would mean seeing their dad as the evil brute he is. How can they do that and remain sane? Our minds do not want to process such pain. That is why alienated kids live in denial for decades. My advice to all of you reading this is to take care of yourself. Find things in life that interest you and have a life. For me I travel alot; it takes the pain away most of the time. It’s really hard to listen to these stories because I can feel your pain. But you have to move on with your life. There is no other choice. Be happy, as happy as you can be. Sometimes evil does win out. I do have a relationship with God and He is my support through it all. I sometimes wonder if God allowed this to happen to me to bring me to the place where I depend on Him totally. We can’t make anyone love us, can we? Not even our kids. After twenty years I am at peace with that.

    • Trish
      May 4, 2016 at 6:45 AM

      Hi all. I agree totally with this advice. It’s important to take care of yourself and try to find peace. We never know when we have children how our relationship with them would turn out. We never knew with our best intentions that we would have children with soiciopaths who would’ve relinquish their emotional control over their children. So as in other abusive situations you need to find peace with moving on without the toxicity in your life. Lots of love from me to all going through this. Stay strong and faithful.

  147. Kaila
    May 2, 2016 at 11:40 PM

    Adrian, I don’t know what to say after reading your post. I think you’re doing the right thing with your daughter. Let her grow up and get past her mom and then things might change. I admire your strength. Life can sure be tough.

  148. Bee
    May 8, 2016 at 10:56 PM

    Today is Mother’s Day. I sit here alone and abandoned. Both my exes have refused any access or contact to my daughters. Today they are without a mother. Why? Because of the mentally sick monsters who have decided that THEIR child would do better without me and they won in the courts to have my right totally striped away. The judge said visits, however my exes believe that it is only for me and they what the judge says has no merit on them and they do what they please.

    The first ex abused me for 16 years and the last was over a period of nine years. I got to the point where I was ill and had to leave them out of my life. They are hell bent on being RIGHT and believe that women are to be treated like they have no value. They believe what women say have no merit and that they are 100% right and demand this.

    What will the daughters learn? They will learn that being female is not valued. They have no choice to accept the abuse and oppression that their fathers will show them. They have been taught that it is right to treat a woman like crap. They have learned that it is right to abuse and to harm a woman, yet they are females themselves. My oldest is totally brainwashed and what her father tells her is gospel and anything good that I have taught her has been undone. My youngest, well, I don’t know about her. Her father grabbed her and moved to the other side of the country without me knowing and I don’t think that I will ever see her again. “legal kidnapping”. He successfully lied to the judge in family court and there isn’t anything anybody can do about it.

    I’m sick of how dysfunctional and oppressive everything is. The exes cram my anxiety etch down my throat and they deeply support and withhold the stigma of mental illness. You see, my ‘illness’ has been well taken care of and I’m quite healthy now. They are not because they believe and do harm to others. They believe it is right to invalidate and to harass. They believe it is right to tell another that what they think, feel, say and do is all wrong and candidly point out that with this the other person is messed up and not them. They play the I’m perfect and right 1000% of the time and the other person is an eff up that should have been aborted before birth.

    The emotions run strong and my words powerful……..I wish that things could be corrected instead of sending the healthy parent off and condemning them to hell.

    • Arnett
      September 9, 2016 at 8:40 AM

      Bee, I am currently 3 years into not seeing my kids as the courts refused to believe I was emotionally abused by my husband. He even had a psychosexual evaluation done that stated he was a sex addict and needed therapy. He never completed it yet still has the kids and I was belittled in the court room by the judge for not pursuing rights to see my children. They found him in contempt for moving the children 3 times without notifying me, yet they cant grasp that I couldn’t locate them and my ex depleted me of EVERYTHING in the divorce, as I could not financially keep up. I went over 100K in debt and was just spinning my wheels. He never follows orders and I have found out that contempt charges are virtually nothing. Awarded attorney fees, that he never pays. When do I give up?

  149. Mildred
    May 10, 2016 at 6:43 AM

    One good turn deserves another. My spiteful daughter was finished using me for private school tuition, shoplifting fines, etc. was also excluding one girlfriend cruelly, is just being the kind of person she is. Good riddance. I’m sorry I wasted years raising her I could have done something more productive. I’m fine with the “alienation”. It used to bother me but I got used to the absence of drama. It’s peaceful now. I feel sorry for my grandkids.

    • Trish
      May 14, 2016 at 12:47 AM

      Yes drama is the best way to describe this. They only learn to manipulate and use and take advantage of your emotions.

  150. May 10, 2016 at 5:42 PM

    Today may 10 2015 I decided to let go and forget I have a daughter.She is a 26 year old social path just like her father and I am sorry to tell you all but adult children with PAS are just plain full growing social paths.They control you by making you suffer emotionlaly and they get joy are of it.They will never change and will just give you enough attention to keep you hoping and hanging in theer just in case they need you in the future for material things or when the the alienator pi ace of grap daddy dies they will have you to depend on..The women who has PAS syndrome acts like she has daddys penises stuck in her mouth and she does notcarewant to let it go..She knows what she does hurt her mother and she likes it.It is like watching the movie The orfan and that woman who everybory thinks is a little girl goes around doing evil things to the nice woman who adopeted her..Your dauther or son is no longer a decent human being because either daddy dearist or mommy deariest brainwashed your child against you.In my case it was a evil white sociopath from good old racist Louisiana who did it.Iam biracial and and dont have a racist bone in my body but he even used the color card against me .when my daughter was pregnant it her second child they both start to pray right in front of me for the baby to be born with blue eyes and blond hair because they did not want my grandchildren to look like she is etenicPlease people let it go they are social paths and not the child you raised and loved forget they exsist and move on for Petes sake.Do not become a Gluten for punishement .

    • Trish
      May 14, 2016 at 12:44 AM

      You are so correct here My daughter recently reached out to me through LinkedIn I didn’t want to connect with her so I opened a Facebook account just to ask her what she wanted. Her father know is kicked her to the curb because she is Engaged to a Persian Catholic. I informed her of all the support I paid. She said she didn’t know but at the end of the day I know she is manipulative and was looking for a hand out. She said the only reason she reached out was that other people were asking her why she doesn’t have contact with her mother. She has been too alienated and was full of blame. Never an apology so still narcissistic. We can’t expect them to behave respectfully since they know nothing about respect. It’s unfortunate but you do have to let them know you won’t be abused and may have to walk away if they continue. All the best to you all out there much love and hugs

      • Nic
        May 18, 2016 at 12:19 PM

        Most of the comments mention the alienated kids are “manipulative”. These kids suffered and will suffer way more than the alienated parent. Even if they don’t know it. They lost a lot by not having a healthy life style with both parents. Many of their traits are reactions or ways they determined they can use to accomplish something. They have a lot of insecurity as well as uncertainty and distortion of reality in their minds. All we can do is everything we can to help them, and this is what I will focus on with my daughter. The best therapy and care I can get her, and all the love and support I can give her. I don’t think it is ever too late.

  151. May 12, 2016 at 4:21 AM

    I was alienated from my youngest son when he was 10 years old by his father and grandfather, who lived together, schemed together and had a single purpose which was to take my son away from me.
    As a single mother back then, I could not compete with all the goodies and freedoms that they offered a 10 year old. What 10 year old wouldn’t want all the money he asked for and the freedom to pretty much do as he pleased? …as long as he played by the rules, their rules.
    It was only years later that my son admitted to me that it was his grandfathers idea to tell the courts what he did so that his father was granted full custody.
    I couldn’t fight this in court with money that I didn’t have, and even if I had, my son would have only hated me for it in the end. He stuck to his ‘story’ and they all had their way. I lost almost complete contact with my young son. I wasn’t given school reports, pictures, and when I called, was usually told my son wasn’t home. Birthday and Christmas cards were ‘lost in the mail’, etc
    Until my son was 20 years old, there were only 6 times I did get to see him, and on 2 of those occasions, my son’s father interfered and ruined things with excuses that took my son away.
    I didn’t know what alienation syndrome was at the time. I just knew that I was grieving, my heart breaking as I helplessly watched (for lack of a better word) my son change.
    At age 13 he came to see me by himself for the very first time. He had a can of bear pepper spray in his bag. I asked him what he was doing with something like this. He explained that he needed it to ‘defend himself’ in the neighborhood he lived in.
    I could smell marajuana in his belongings. My son was becoming ‘hard’. I could not feel genuine intimacy from him. I walked a fine line between wanting to be his mom, with serious concerns, and being afraid that I wouldn’t see him again if I made too much of a deal of my real fears. Of course he downplayed everything anyway. I knew I wasn’t going to get any straight answers.
    He did tell me how his father rented a limousine for him and his ‘homies’ to ride around in on his 13th birthday.
    I tried talking to his father. He told me not to worry about our son. How he paid guys to look out for him at a New Years party. Our son was 13 years old! I became angry and of course his father hung up on me.
    I married this Neanderthal when I was 3 months pregnant. We never lived together. It took me losing my son before I legally divorced him. I paid child support until my son was 19, yet I had no rights as a parent.
    It was another year before I heard from my son again, though I had made numerous attempts.
    I phoned his school and was told that he was no longer attending. I called the children’s ministry and was told that because I didn’t have custody I wasn’t allowed access to information about my minor child.
    Finally I called the police in the town I thought he lived in. I found someone that would help me. They told me they were familiar with my son ….my worst fears were being validated. They went to his last know address to do a wellness check. His father and he had moved, but the police tracked him down and sent my request to another precinct in the district (not far away) that he now resided.
    They tried multiple times and finally sent an officer to wait at the door of the alternative school he was attending. This is how I found out that my son had been expelled from regular school. I was so very thankful for the efforts of the police …the only ones that would help me. They called me to tell me that my son would be phoning me that night.
    He did phone me. “MOM! What are you doing sending police to wait at my school?”
    ‘Mom’ was now done pussy footing around. Period. If my son was going to hate me for interfering in his ‘so called’ life, then so be it.
    My only hope was that someday he would realize that I cared. That I would always be his mom and that that’s what mom’s do when they see their child heading down the wrong road. His father and grandfather be damned.
    He didn’t hate me anymore than what had already been instilled in him …and I was still his mother. I told him that I loved him every chance I got. And I told him how worried I was.
    He did time in a juvenile detention center about a year later. Explaining to me that he had been ‘locked up’ like it was no big deal. Talking all the lingo like he was a tough guy. He reminded me of his father acting all tough and ‘talking the talk’.
    I was scared to death. I felt completely helpless.
    Near the end of 2014 my son was arrested for first degree murder. He had no adult criminal record at the time if his arrest. He was 10 days past his 19th birthday when the crime he is accused of occurred, which is being referred to as a targeted gangland slaying. He was directly indicted 6 months ago and will have been in a remand center for one month shy of 2 years when his 9 week trial will begin. I have only been able to travel to this place twice to see him on a small video screen only.
    The grief I felt upon hearing this news was overwhelming.
    And now I know what it is like to walk in the shoes of a parent that has a child behind bars with his life literally on the line. A parents second worse fear realized. The first being death …and that’s not off the table either, no matter what the verdict is.
    I can only pray that he did not do this, the ultimate crime, the taking of another life, someone’s son, husband, father.
    And now my son calls me almost every day. I tell him I love him. I am supportive and strong and encouraging.
    I’ve had to learn boundaries. I’ve been learning boundaries slowly all along, but now I must do this to survive emotionally myself.
    My ex husband, and son’s father sent me a message on Mother’s Day. I hadn’t heard from him in literally years. We had not communicated even after our son was arrested until this. I had nothing to say to him.
    His message was to tell me that he now feels that it is time to honor me as our son’s mother and that we should be standing united in support of our son for his emotional well being …that he should have done this long ago and that it is now his cross to bear.
    His cross to bear! …..?
    Call me crazy, but I do not need this man to show my son love and support as his mother. Him of all people.
    He messaged me about his grief now …and how I can call him (now) any time, day or night, whenever I find myself in that dark and desolate place of sadness. That he won’t judge me, or criticize, or ostracize me. He says that he will be there for me and that this is of utmost importance for our son because he and I are bonded for life.
    Though the grief seems endless with my son, I have always loved him, even when it made no difference to anyone else but me. I will always love him …through everything and nothing at all.
    I do not need this man, his father, to do this and I never will.
    I hope and pray that nobody reading this will ever have to go through such a thing.
    I do not know what the future holds, but whatever it is I will accept it.

    And I will always be my son’s mother.

  152. Peter
    May 12, 2016 at 8:51 PM

    You have described a situation that I simply can’t imagine. I can’t tell you how I would feel, I just don’t know.

    What I can do, is look at all this from your son’s perspective. He is in big trouble and from what you wrote, it is at his own doing. He is also a victim, a child that acted out, a child that needed two parents, and not by anything he understood or did, was denied that. It comes at such a cost to our kids. Kids are so often forced to choose and often there only way to reconcile their feelings is to blame the alienated parent.

    You have every justification to write his father out of your life. But past the revenge, you also have a chance to prove to your son, that forgiveness, no matter what, is possible.

    I don’t know what I would do, not even sure what I could do, but I sure like to think that while I would not welcome such a parent as his Dad has been back into my own life, I would tolerate and ignore a lot. I like to think I be there for my kid, and recognize, that my kid, still loves his Dad. That my kid needs us both, and he certainly does not need to carry the traditional weight of my hate and anger. I like to think, I could be the bigger person, no matter what the idiot father did.

    All my ideas aside, I wish you and your family well. There is a long, hard road ahead.

    • Trish
      May 14, 2016 at 12:50 AM

      Peter you said everything I was thinking and more. My prayers and thoughts are with this mother and son

  153. Bee
    May 14, 2016 at 9:03 AM

    I had my daughter, in her thirties, in my life for four months but she just cut off contact with me again after I said something that hurt her. I asked for forgiveness but she decided to cut off contact again. I told her there was no way after 20 years of alienation that we were going to have a perfect relationship/I would act perfectly but she has decided my mistake is too much. I do have so much hurt there is no way I can not hurt.
    I am thankful for the four months and will count it as precious. But I know how to live without her so I will continue on happy and whole. I can’t be perfect; neither can she. I guess her dad probably snuck in on her again here and said, “See, she is always hurtingi you and I never do.” I am forever the villain but can never be perfect. I wish PA on no one ever. It is atrocious, vile, evil, wicked.

  154. Bee
    May 14, 2016 at 9:09 AM

    DEbra, forgive your ex but stay away from him. Love your kid through this. Your ex did this to your kid and he knows it now. If your son did this then he will be locked up for years. He will learn to be a man and learn humility. There is hope for him. Your ex is paying the price for his evil doings. What a sad story. Love to you.

  155. Jack
    May 21, 2016 at 11:46 PM

    Hello all, reading the comments and the experiences people had ….i thought i will share my story for some comments pls.

    separated from my wife and girl child (3 yrs old). wife appears narcissistic. Court is the only option for me to have contact with my child but wife is ready to fight and throw accusations in court which can be proved wrong…even if contact is allowed my wife is likely to get involved in parental alienation which I am worried will poison my child and our relationship.

    I am at a crucial stage to make a decision whether to go to court or to just leave the matter rest and let my wife keep my child as long as she wants so atleast she will grow in less alienated atmosphere. By me going to court my wife will get enough ammunition to accelerate the alienation for the rest of her life.

    some of my friends advise me to ‘let go’ of my child (PAINFUL) and to move on in a new relationship/family and hope that my child will come back to me one day.

    If it was you, What would you have done?

    • Peter
      May 29, 2016 at 6:24 AM

      The decision to go to court is not an easy one. It is expensive and painful.
      That said, a 3-year-old girl, loves her Dad, almost no matter what. And as much pain as you are in, she is the true victim. She is also at the age where she is shaping her life long believes based on what adults important in her life tell her.

      As a father, I have a responsibility to my child, that no one can relieve me of no matter what the world brings or the odds of failure.

      If this is not a battle you can take on, your next chance to be step up is likely at least a decade away, and it will be a much, much bigger challenge. You will have to explain to her why you abandoned her. You won’t have a much of an answer.

      There may be no good choice, but those are the only choices you have.

      Regarding her being a narcissist, I am reasonably confident those on this site know that. It is very likely that you are wasting time and energy trying to work with her without outside help, possibly only the courts can help. The fight is not with the ex. The fight is to be meaningful to your kid’s life.

      The only real recommendation I have is to ensure that you have some kind of strategy to be part of her life and make the best of whatever situation you find yourself in. Not even your daughter can relieve you of your responsibility. And I think you already know that.

    • Terry
      July 22, 2016 at 4:12 AM

      hi Jack I just read your post I did not have to go to court which is good because the only one that wins in court is the lawyers. Your story is much like mine I knew I was damned married to the narcissist man but I was the one that made that mistakes. I doubt even if I had attempted to dump him in the dating ages, he would do the same as he is doing today stalking me. I have been to the police and that is one real long story and a place to during feel like a victim been there done that — today I have moved on the lawyer part, am slowly telling people that I live in danger how much am not sure. One other step I have is his wife she is tough and if she knew that he follows me around town — she would be able to stop that . Anyway I feel bad for you there is not easy answer the child do get hurt

  156. Lj
    May 26, 2016 at 10:03 AM

    Hi fellow grieving parents ,
    I am from California born and raised I have a total of 4 children, 2 daughters one is 19 and the other 14 , 2 sons who are 13 and 4 , almost 12 years ago my ex husband was deployed for about 2 years and after returning back to the states he got stationed in Washington state due to medical issues, while he was there he met a woman who he pretty much ended up having an affair with for about a year and a half and since I was in California with our children and he would visit every few months I didn’t suspect but eventually I found out and he got her pregnant and decided to stay in Washington. About a year and a half later ( now a total of 4 years of him being pretty much gone ) including deployments and the time in Washington I ended up suffering from severe depression and ended up moving to the beach cities , I wanted to get away from all the bad memories and kinda start over but once I settled in I lost my job , my car got Repo’d and I was out of savings and I had nobody to help me , I was alone and desperate and I spoke to my ex husband and told him my situation and he suggested that I send the kids to him for the summer while I got back on my feet and that him and his ” mistress ” would care for my kids ,being that I was in a desperate situation I agreed and he flew down to pick them up , ( worst mistake of my life ) when September came around it was time for them to start school but I was still struggling so again he suggested that the kids attend school there for a semester while I continued to work on building my life again , he even suggested that I moved to Washington state and that his mistress and himself would help me get an apartment and she would help me find a job , but to be honest I told him ” please let me keep some of my dignity , at least what is left of it ” but anyways December came around and I received divorce papers and custody papers . I was blindsided and wasn’t ready for that , I was barely working barely getting situated and bam now I have to deal with this , California courts couldnt help me because it was out of there jurisdiction, Washington couldnt help me because I wasn’t a resident of the state , I had no money to travel or for an attorney and he hired a great attorney and I lost custody of my children just like that . He claimed I abandoned them and since I could t make it to court I list by default . I was barely allowed to talk to them , and months later I was able to visit them for a few days and little by little time kept going and the linger I went without seeing them or talking to them , his now wife made them call her mom since they arrived except for my oldest she wasn’t having it and things were weird for her because he now had a new family and he was her step dad he raised her since she was a toddler , so for her this was hard and I can’t imagine what the little ones were feeling and how confused they must’ve been , months turned to years I eventually remarried 2 years later and I tried filing paperwork to regain custody but without an attorney I had no chance , but in may of 2011 my oldest daughter secretly called me and told me she was being physically, verbally and abused by their stepmother so I contacted cps and they went to check on the kids, but by then they already had been coached and they lied to the cps worker, I was desperate so I flew to Washington state and filed an emergency motion for custody being that both my ex and his wife were facing felony criminal charges for assaulting another couple with a loaded gun . Which was information my daughter told me without them knowing, so the courts allowed me to take my oldest with me back to California since my ex was not her biological father, so she was separated from her siblings and my ex husband and the only father she knew completely disowned her and turned the kids against her and til this day he does not speak to her and has prohibited my other children from having a relationship with her or with me , I have only been awarded 2 hr supervised visitations every 4 montjs which is ridiculous, I also have a 4 yr old son from my recent husband who suddenly passed away a year ago from a tragic accident. A couple mo this after his passing I hired an attorney and was given 6 hr supervised visitations I stead of 2 every 4 months which is even more ridiculous, my ex doesn’t follow the parenting plan , he Interferes with all of my visitations, never agrees to dates , will not allow any Skype or video calling and monitors all of our conversations, I’ve filed for contempt but the courts don’t care , he gets away with everything his wife is part of the problem and makes things more difficult, I can’t take this anymore I get to talk to them twice a week but they don’t talk about anything , I have to pull words out of their mouths their answers to everything is I don’t know …..they don’t talk to my oldest anymore they are being completely aliagnated and coached and they don’t do anything, they’re always home since the step mom is homeschooling them , they have no friends , they are always home they sound so depressed and my attorneys answer is ” it’s going to be a long road , hang in there maybe you should move here ” like I just don’t know anymore I’ve been grieving for so many years and now I’m grieving my husband’s death and I Feel like I failed as a mother , my oldest is grieving her siblings she’s grieving her so called dad that blames her for calling me in the first place and has removed her from her siblings lives and his and now she’s grieving my husband’s death , she seems so sad and bitter all the time , she’s in therapy but she blames me for separating her from her siblings and I will never forgive myself for that , and like I said I have no idea what my other kids feel because they don’t talk to me ….sorry for the long story but thank you for taking the time to read it .

  157. June 5, 2016 at 11:07 PM

    I can’t help but wonder what the statics are of alienated parent suicide. At the risk of lending any credence to mental and emotional instability (which are all divorce and death related, not an on-going condition), I genuinely don’t think I will live through this. Virtually no family. A relentless 6 year hostile divorce with a person who the world thinks is the nicest guy. Great dad. Arguably better equipped than me. But I have loved, cared for and advocated for my 16 year old (high functioning spectrum daughter) all her life. He is a pathologically codependent, passive aggressive caretaker who has catered to her every whim. He has fostered the impression that i am insensitive and perhaps even emotionally abusive. I know that she is an at-risk teen who will require sturdy boundaries and expectations to prepare for what life will ultimately require of her. My task as a mother was always that I had 18 years to create a self-sustaining, able-bodied, kind and respectful young adult. And I took this responsibility seriously and with deep deep love for her, I won’t bash her father because as I mentioned he has always been an above average father. We have had 50/50 custody successfully since we separated in 2010. He had all the more desirable traits: the big family home with play structure, trampoline and disneyland pool. He shuttled her friends all over town, paid for everything including ski trips and multiple disneyland excursions. He didn’t require anything of her in terms of chores, and there were zero consequences in their house. As I saw these inequities beginning to have some momentum, I appealed to him for us to try to get on the same page as parents and try to uphold the same expectations in both households. We had great success in the past coming together as a united front on problematic issues that had arisen lately. The positive impression which resulted from our working together was transformative for our girls. They became new people and my soul was lifted when I thought perhaps there’s still time to undo the past horrific 6 years and salvage what’s left of their childhood. So as my somewhat lazy, unmotivated and entitled teen began to retreat into social media and netlfix and disengage in her world I felt another united parent intervention was needed. So I asked her dad if we could implement some basic expectations such as walking the dog, a few minor chores around the house, greater respect and initiative. He gave me lip service to agreeing to wanting those same things but his complete lack of reenforcement rendered me completely powerless. I grew frustrated and genuinely sad that he didn’t see the earlier benefits as substantial enough to continue to work together. Mind you, she has been a somewhat sullen and trantrumy child all her life. And though a safe nurturing environment is a priority for kids on the spectrum, it doesn’t relinquish the next important steps of requiring them to meet us half way. I made the MASSIVE mistake of telling her that as she moved into her mid teens and young adulthood under my roof we will need to find a way to live harmoniously, with mutual respect, contribution and accountability and if she felt she couldn’t do that perhaps she should go spend some time at her dad’s. Trust me I can feel all the groans from everyone for this grave mistake. My daughter had zero consequences in life. There was nothing that she cared enough about that would mean anything if it were taken away. STUPIDLY, I mistakenly thought she would value me and my role as a mother enough to want to to step up to the plate. I was wrong. It was the get-out-of-jail free card she’d been waiting for all along. Now she is gone. And gone with a substantial amount of self-righteous indignation. Despite all my efforts to please talk, please try family therapy, and my one last emotional voice memo plea, she has gone silent. My ex is a MASTER manipulator. He has never said or written an unkind thing about me to them. He took a more masterful route by displaying unending agreeability, mock empathy and compassion for me, leaving my daughters to believe he is both a martyr and a hero. Every SINGle text or email exchange to me has been carefully crafted as if it would be one day read by a judge. So I have a very weak case to prove. I am BEGGING for family therapy. She refuses to go, and he defers to her. I am powerless. My hunch is that this arrangement meets a variety of needs that i’m sure he is enjoying: I believe he is still deeply bitter about me leaving the marriage. I believe as a codependent, enabling caretaker, it secures his position as being needed to keep her “disabled” by moving mountains to accommodate her every whim. And, while it hasn’t been brought up yet, I’m certain he is looking forward to the “perk” of being able to deduct the support he pays for her. Without which I cannot afford to live. And in the middle of this terrible storm is my 13year old daughter who is the most innocent victim of all. She doesn’t want any of this. And I will be becoming an increasingly unappealing parent option for her as I am constantly stressed, upset and crying about the loss of her sister. I feel like I will pale in comparison to the life she has with her dad and sister in the family home. I will never be able to prove my case. He is far too savvy.I know that NO good will come from the fallout of this estrangement. And the ultimate tragedy still looms in the distance as I DO NOT think I will be able to stay alive for the all the years of pain and heartbreak that so many of you write in your accounts.

    • Dahlia
      June 6, 2016 at 1:44 AM

      I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing such turmoil. Suicide attempts are common among anyone who is bullied and being bullied by someone who is using your children as pawns to bully is extremely painful, the most painful thing I have ever experienced and I am someone who is suffered most forms of abuses in my life. During the process of being in and out of court and experiencing parental alienation, I attempted suicide 4 times which just made things worse for my situation. It gave my ex-husband more ammunition to use against me. I gave up on suicide a year ago. I had to emotionally disconnect from my situation and I had to move on. Now I am doing very well emotionally but at a huge price in that I am no longer emotionally attached to my kids.

      I can say this, choosing to emotionally detach is definitely a process and doesn’t happen over night. It has its benefits though in painful situations such as these.

      I guess to answer your question is yes it common for alienated parents to have suicidal ideations. My suggestion though based on experience, find alternatives. Find a new hobby and become active in it. Mine is dancing. Find support groups but be careful with this. Educating yourself on your situation through support groups, literature, and counseling can definitely have healing effects but can also backfire in that ruminating on the situation can often times make your feelings worse so work hard not to let your situation consume you life. Surround yourself with people, and lots of them, who make you feel good about who you are. Find ways to make this huge and devastating situation feel smaller by allowing yourself, without guilt or shame, to enjoy every other part of your life.

      Good luck! I know a lot of what I have said is easier said than done. It takes work.

      • minemine2
        June 6, 2016 at 8:10 PM

        Dahlia thanks so much and you are SO RIGHT about submerging in support groups etc as potential backfiring! Thank you for reminding me of that. I have been consumed with the topic of parental alienation and it really does take me down. Such a good reminder, thank you! I have also dabbled with suicide and you are right again, it only gives my ex more ammo, proves him right to my girls and our community. I swore I won’t try it again unless it is foolproof. I haven’t taken it off the table yet because I believe living in this constant mental anguish is equal to or even worse than a painful terminal illness and at some point there needs to be mercy and relief. Thank you for your insight.

      • Terry
        June 11, 2016 at 3:03 PM

        Good Morning it is good to hear from you again. I went Al-anon support group for several years. I and my second husband have moved too many times. It is easy to find Al-anon support groups in short sentences there is good groups and extremely poor ones. People that are needy al-anon are just a drunk as the drinker most of the time. So it takes a lot of looking for a good group that works the steps.

        I am concerned you use the words I would not try it again unless it is foolproof. I have not it off the table yet. Do not let the other parent win never let them win you have support there is many of us in the same rocky boat and the impact on you children would last a life time for them.

      • Terry
        June 7, 2016 at 4:09 PM

        Thank you for your reply. Yes at points in that marriage I was suicide but living in a small rural community everybody knew your and so did the 5 doctor that worked that area. Just a note here that popped into my head. In order for the doctors to have holidayed they would bring in young doctors that were very close to becoming real doctor. I had an appointment with one of them who I have never seen before, he knew everything about me he knew my store he knew that my son was dying I was surprise result more anti-depressants. Doctors are trained to give pills. The community had no mental health issue and do to the size everybody knew your story anyway.

        At this point in my life I have emotionally disconnect from my adult children. My first born was manipulated so hard by his dad that on a document legal paper he said I was not his mother — that was approximately 8 years. When he married I did receive a phone that went like so “ you are not welcome at my wedding as you do not know how to conduct yourself” this is from an alcoholic—- who by the way has lost his licence for drinking and driving twice before he turned 18 and am not sure but lost his driving right 6 more times and did jail in a dry out centre. Gee when he was release from the dry out centre I was the one to pick him up, Where was his dad hiding in his office was drinking at the time. I best end this have a good.

    • Trish
      June 6, 2016 at 1:42 PM

      I went through everything you did believe it or not. When someone is working against you so disastrously it’s impossible to be a good parent. My ex did the same thing and spent the kids college money and made them completely co dependent on him by not providing consequences. The result is one daughter who thinks she is going to hit it big in real estate and the other son who is still living with his father who can’t hold a job. It’s impossible to expect a good outcome. You have to find peace in that you fought long and hard to do the best you could but at one point you have to take care of yourself and move on with some semblance of your life without children. There are many kids who would love your time and attention who never had parents. It’s hard to walk away but I was sitting at the bottom just like you were. Get to the top of the marsh and swim out of this abusive mess. Find someone to talk with to help you grieve and try to move on. Giving you a large hug today and please don’t give up!

      • minemine2
        June 6, 2016 at 8:50 PM

        Trish thank you for the validation that it is virtually impossible to be a good parent to the other child when in a war zone. And especially thank you for the idea about the possibility of working with kids who don’t have parents! I volunteered at a children’s home YEARS ago just to give back to the community and make good use of my time when my kids were little and I wasn’t working. But now that I am grieving the loss of my daughter and the milestones of her life that I may never know, the idea of getting involved with foster kids is a great one. Thank you for lifting my spirits.

        My ex has finally agreed to implement family therapy. I am grateful as this is a gesture that is opposite the parental alienation I had been experiencing.

        Hard to be hopeful as he does things which in the public eye appear to be the right thing while he has other agendas that are harder to detect. But I am crossing my fingers.

        I also have to say the my increasing faith in God has helped immensely. It’s the only thing can possibly offer a miracle.

        My heart goes out to everyone on this sight. It is such an unsung, hidden experience that is more torturous than I could have ever imagined.

      • Terry
        June 11, 2016 at 3:18 PM

        Good Morning so you have hope you are going for family therapy from past experience family therapy is just another avenue that the ex can manipulate and come out feeling 100% smarter than you. It is truly worth a try but do not get your hopes up to high. From personal experience my ex like to have the feeling of a win and your ex will win in his own mine. Go for yourself and gain whatever you can.

    • Terry
      June 6, 2016 at 6:22 PM

      Thank for your message. So we are not much different I married an alcoholic and had 5 children with him. Number one son is a male who is an adult alcoholic also. Number 2 died at age 14 number 3 son died at age 25 days number 4 son is 34 years old and won the citizen of the year award in his community number 5 is the only daughter.

      I have highlighted with red points from you message and will respond that way.

      Passive aggressive yes 100% in addition he is a narcissistic personality.

      A both average father No he is an alcoholic and his love for alcohol was all he needed.

      Boundaries the down side both of us were raised where boundaries really did not exist.

      Nicest guy in town oh for sure he was perfect when dealing with anyone that was not family. Perfect for sure.

      You used the word shuttled her friend well my story he used money and bought everyone so much that if any said hello to him his wallet was out all the time.

      Getting on the same that is simply possible with a narcissistic personality.

      You mentioned past horrific 6 years well I left him because I was suicidal and could not see a way out my passage was 20 years of marriage and now 24 years of him being in my face and often as he can..

      Almost a year ago I was in the community at my son— we went outside so the grandson could play shoot the puck and from between parked out comes my children father this was stalking me.

      There is no such thing as an intervention with this type of person.

      My only daughter has not talked to me for 10 years and because I have recently move I live in the same city as her I do not get a mother card or a birthday card nor did my adult children host a party for my 65 birthday.

      You wrote master manipulate well you are join the club there is many of us in the same position you are not alone.

      I would agree your ex is bitter as is mine and it will only end in death. My plan is out live him.

      Yes I would say you will become a unappealing parent to you child, YOU are not alone on this one many of us are the same.

      I agree there will be nothing good coming out of the estrangement but you are strong keep your head up and walk proud.

      I appreciated you answering my email thank you have a good day. I am going to the gym

    • Terry
      June 12, 2016 at 7:24 PM

      I have reply to you once before but reading your message again Divorce should take like 3 years to pass over the feelings Year one “ what happened” year two ” who am I” end of year 3 maybe I should attempt to date and it’s a big maybe a coffee date— death from personal experience year one what happened year two less tears year three maybe I will go outside and maybe talk to people. All of this is personal experience been there done that no fun at all.

    • January 3, 2017 at 7:14 AM

      Minemine2, your June 2016 post caught my eye. I realize that it was more than 6 months ago so you may not see this reply. I have 2 ASD ADD (and one also has Tourette’s) sons aged 18 and 19.

      My ex was diagnosed as chronic and lifelong mental illness at the time of the marital breakdown in late 2005. The marriage was definitely over. He had been abusive for most of the 15 years that we were married. I thought that I was an inadequate spouse and also was busy trying to manage therapy for our 2 small children who were considered severely autistic at that time. I was blessed to be in the room when a psychologist diagnosed my ex. I had booked the psychologist appointment to ask for a divorce as my now ex had become quite noncommunicative so it would be impossible to discuss face to face. (Funny, I was living with 3 noncommunicative guys. 2 through no fault of their own.) The psychologist immediately picked up on my ex’s lack of any facial expression, which I had become accustomed to.

      In January 2006, with no source of income except a line of credit, as a now 42 yr old single mother of 2 disabled children, I enrolled in college and obtained a degree and then 2 accountant designations (one is a specialized designation).

      My ex did nothing except act like a victim. His diagnosis had been a relief for me, knowing that I had done everything that I could to be a good partner. My ex has been messing with our 2 wonderful sons for 11 years now. The oldest has struggled and now has high anxiety and Tourette’s because he became intolerant to the disrespect to his mother (me). Because of that my ex would bully him calling him fat (my ex is large but oldest son is thin) and punishing both sons with the intent to turn the youngest son against the oldest for causing trouble.

      I had my sons seeing a psychologist for about 7 years so that they could talk to someone neutral about the emotional struggles. Despite all of the therapy, my youngest has become just like his father…disrespectful to me and sees me as a lowlife who didn’t meet sufficient standards to be loved by my ex. My ex did remarry and his wife has many issues and 3 estranged grown daughters who find my ex too creepy to be around (believe it or not, my ex actually told me that several years ago….he sees himself as being superior to everyone, not creepy).

      I have always been the primary caregiver and took care of all the school meetings and aide coordination for my sons. My ex decided that he would see them potentially every second weekend dependent upon his availability. He also got to retire this year at the age of 55 yrs. I am on the freedom 67 plan, as I gave him most of our assets in the divorce settlement because he is mentally unstable and I used this as leverage so he could feel like he triumphed over me. The settlement was initially rejected in court due to unfairness so I directed the lawyers to try again. My ex would have no trouble doing harm to my sons to get back at me. Letting him feel like he won seemed to help in the short run.

      Everything that my sons have has been provided by me, including cell phones, life skills evening courses, driver training, post secondary application fees and tuition deposit.

      Tonight, after a tough Christmas of being alone because my sons decided at last minute to spend the holidays with their dad, I followed up on an ultimatum to my youngest 18 yr old about either enrolling in post secondary or getting a job and he secretly phoned his dad to pick him up.

      As I was watching tv, I witnessed my youngest run out the back door carrying a suitcase and hollering “going to dad’s for an unknown period of time”. I ran after him but he wouldn’t stop. I texted asking if he is moving in with dad. No response, so I texted back “I’ll take that as a yes”. My sons have always lived wth me because my ex does not want them living at his place. My youngest will have a rude awakening when my ex is done with him and decides to bring him back.

      My home will no longer only be a crash pad between visits with his dad.

      My older son came home from work upset…he had received a call from the younger one. The difference….when I asked my older son what was bothering him, he said that he was frustrated about the same thing that I am frustrated with. It doesn’t make me happy that my older son feels turmoil, but it does mean that I have hope that he will keep some goodness. His Tourette’s is severe and he is struggling with all of his issues that cause his brain distress so it is a fragile period for him trying to find his way.

      I love both of my sons with all my heart but know that not having sufficient boundaries and providing full support has been at times enabling. I have avoided adding to their stress by being flexible and tolerating poor behaviour from their father. I have now reached a time of reckoning …. I cannot live in fear anymore. Deep down fear of not being loved by my children.

      When my oldest was a few weeks old I had an epiphany. My baby son was screaming day and night and was inconsolable as would be the norm for many years to come. He was much calmer in his father’s arms. Deep down I felt ashamed that I seemed to be rejected by my baby.

      One day it just came to me “it was not my son’s job to love me, my job was to love him”.

      I am comforted by this as it allows me to let go of expectations from my sons and to go on new journeys of my own and let them sort out who they want to be.

      • Terry Lucyk
        January 8, 2017 at 12:23 AM

        hi it has taken me several days —- I have printed off the below page and added it to my journal — I need to read this over and over again. So your ex has a diagnose that is good you sort of know what you are fighting with. Am sure my ex is a narcissistic type of personality he is like Trump but very quiet and soft spoken and cruel —- where Trump is loud and in your face immediately. Yes I leave that marriage because of the psychology abuse I was wrong 100% wrong all of the time that is hard on a person very hard. Our stories are close I return to university has a mature student as a matter of fact my then husband courage me and he attempted to sabotage me at each and every turn there was — I made it. Oh yes am the type of person that reads body language all the time it is more truthful than words. now you stated your husband was the victim well truly the story goes like this it takes three position or people to make a triangle there is the victim the persecutor and the rescuer now if you are not familiar with these terms just look them up and see what spot you hold — all players move around and it takes 3 players or maybe just to and alcohol or another woman etc. It is hard to get out of a triangle from personal experience my childhood was really poor and the triangle played full time an example here is my oldest brother would tease me until I cried and then he would tease harder so he was the persecutor I was the victim and the rescuer was sort of not there it was mom who watched and listen to all of it. It is called extremely poor boundaries — in addition I have 3 brothers and a sister now 4 out of 5 of us are divorced again I would say poor boundaries or lack of them. Two of my children died young number 3 son was 25 days old just not put together right my other son was 14 years old he had Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy he died 27 years ago. The school has an award in his name and the winner has to be a leader of other students and not just sports. I go each year to the award and I say nothing I just shake hands with the winner oh yes the parents want pictures taken and so I get my picture taken it goes in the weekly newspaper there. That is all I can do. Oh yes the child father ( look up the difference between father and dad) does not come because his new wife will not allow it to happen. Okay this year in June 2017 he is now retired and is major of the town —- gee no mayor ever came to the award like never — she has figure they go for a weeks’ worth of holidays while the award is on. That is cruel but then they are very much alike — just rewrite your page yes set boundaries your house should not be a crash pad hold on to it tight because there will be a back lash for sitting boundaries hold true to the plan and boundaries you set. and you will have to reset rest them many times its tough work and there will be upset people that is too bad you have the rights to set boundary to keep the peace. Yes I have xmas by myself am not a van of Christmas —- the true mean is gone it is only a gift exchange. take care of yourself and I would like to hear from you again — am poor on the computer so I may on find you again

  158. Ash
    June 9, 2016 at 1:11 AM

    I had to share my story. I had a tough childhood my left at 2, Dad died and left me at 13. Back in 1997 I attended a church and met a lady I had been introduced to years earlier. Married her and had a child. I didn’t understand or really believe in psychological disorders. She told me she worked and was a nanny. Couldn’t have had a better choice for a mother. Shortly after marrying she quit working. After my son was born she filed a restraining order and that is when it all began. I had him on the weekends and loved and adored my son with every ounce of my being. My ex-wife (we divorced after 7 years of me waiting for her to get better) had Munchausen Bi-Proxy or something very similar. My son was perfect. Smart, handsome and there is no history of psychological disorder in my family or him. Since he lived with her she put him in a disabled class. I had remarried and moved to another country. I went back to visit after a year and my new wife asked to bring my son to us. I had gone to a parent teacher conference and his 2nd grade teacher, risking her own career told me “Get him away from her”. My son made the move came to the new country, excelled in all levels. He was on his way to be not only a great athlete, but very smart in school as well. Showing absolutely no signs of any illness. Sadly, my second marriage fell apart and I was left in a foreign country with no support system or really bad support. I had made it and he had made it out of the grips of his Mom. But I was brought to my knees in anguish and being in a foreign country, I had no where to turn. I was talked in by some very bad council to take him back to his Mom and try to stabilise back here and get him back. Needless to say that was the end. In fact on the airplane he looked over at me and said “Daddy its all over”. How do you live with that kind of pain. He knew more than I knew. I brought him back to her and had to stay with friends because of my state and he said “No, please no she is crazy”. This was at age 10. I went back and tried to restabilise and went through all the depression and pain trying to get it all back in order to bring him, but she had already begun her strategy. Herself being on disability got him back on disability. He never returned to school after 10 as they let you homeschool and the ex only made it to grade 9. Today he is 17 and has never returned to school, lives in a low cost housing tract with no friends, because they call him the weirdo due to the area. He is on the computer 24/7 for escape. I made a trip back 2 years ago and we hung out and he knew his Mom did everything in hate towards me. He now is on several medications, overweight with diabetes and heart problems. The point of my sharing is that I had him plain and clear very far away from her and I brought him back to the very person you would think would make his life better. She despised that we had proved he wasn’t sick when bringing him her and did her best to utterly destroy him. The latest is since I brought this up he hates me and does not want to talk to me. I just wish I had been stronger. I don’t know in my right mind how after all the work of getting him free, would have taken him back to be destroyed. It has been 7 years now. When I went to visit him I cried staying on the couch for 2 whole days straight after seeing him severely overweight when he was healthy and even on the running team prior. I am broken. Truly broken. It has cost me my health, jobs and I couldn’t even think of a relationship. We as parents and especially fathers are to protect our children, yet I put him in a position that has been so devastating I don’t think I have seen another case as bad. Thank you for listening. I understand each and everyone of your pain. I just wished at least I know he had gone to school and would be able to make instead of stuck at the very bottom of life. I have dreams over and over of me seeing him playing on the other side of a fence with friends or last night I had him with me again and he was about 10. I was trying to read to him and get him caught up. Then I wake up again and realise that is never ever going to happen. Hard to forgive myself or make it through the nightmares, but I must keep going because I have to be here for him no matter what.

    • Terry
      June 11, 2016 at 3:54 PM

      Ash thank you for the sharing your story you have certainly had many many downs and few to no up hill type of experiences in your life. Sharing is one way of moving forward. In your writing you speak of psychological disorders so many of them are out there and people like you and me meet them and marry which turns into a very bad life experience. My ex is an narcissistic type of personality who are usual charming and big spenders. I look back and I can see how young and basically stupid I was all of us find out to late and then its divorce. In my story divorce has only made my ex mad and for 24 years he has been stalking me. On June 28 the school as an award program for the student my son died in 1990 and the award in his name will be presented as it has been for 26 years I will attend and be part of the presentation. My ex is not allowed by his 2nd wife to attend she has no respect for a child that died at the age of 14. I will attend and hold my head high and put on my best smile. I have made plans to not overnight in his community show up only minutes before the presentation and then drive out of town as fast as I can. In addition I am calling one of my sons that lives there and reading over the phone a short clip that his dad has to stop stalking me. I have been to the police about this. Have a good day.

  159. Peter
    June 11, 2016 at 5:14 AM

    I have read and felt many of the heart-wrenching experiences that so many have barely survived to tell. Mine is among them. I have posted felt every one and replies to some. It is important to listen. It is.
    But somehow, listening doesn’t seem enough. Maybe we could also learn, and share root collective learning. Maybe even spin it positive. Maybe provide hope. Maybe share our collective wisdom.
    I’ll start with one simple proposition.
    1. Know, believe, beyond your almost UN-survivable pain, that your kids, no matter what they say, no matter how the other parent tries to control their feelings, that your kids love you, unconditionally. So just quit behaving like a victim, and do what you can to make yourself, and your children, proud of you. Just quit tearing them apart. Put your energy into sharing your values, not your feelings.

    • June 28, 2016 at 9:37 AM

      I would like to second Peter’s proposition.

      The pain is sometimes unstoppable, and I am sure many poor souls have perished.

      Here is my advice to myself:

      1. Suffer!
      I’m so sad I cannot breath, but somehow I live on without breathing!
      Then I sleep.
      When I awake the pain is less acute for a while.
      Trust that the pain will lift for a while, and brace yourself for the next plunge into the abyss.
      If you can take it, you can make it.
      Sometimes there is no pain.
      Look forward to the fleeting moments of joy that will happen in your future.

      2. Quit.
      You have already lost, so walk away.
      Don’t look back.
      Just stand by for any unexpected change.
      If your kids know you are friendly and available, they may reach for you when they need you.

      3. Forgive.
      They are welcome to hate you; but they are automatically forgiven.
      It’s not your problem.

      4. Join.
      If they are school kids, volunteer at the PTA.
      If they go to church, volunteer there.
      You will feel like a leper, but you will have some connection to their world.

      5. Live.
      Lower your standards.
      The glory days are gone.
      Take pleasure in crappy stuff.

      6. Replace.
      New people.
      New pastimes.
      New pets.
      Load up.

      7. Repeat.
      Again, from the top!

      • Terry
        June 29, 2016 at 3:35 PM

        Stephen I like your steps — there is so little we can do to break the alimentation. My story today yesterday I went to the rural community that ha an award for my son that died at the age of 14 this award has been happening for 26 years now. My middle son works and lives in that community his father works and lives in that community also. In addition the father of my children stalks me and he is getting more aggressive with his movements. I phoned by son told him I had been to the police ( this story is 26 years old) number one when you are being stalk all people around you need to know so I followed the orders and for the first time in 26 I did not see the children fathers anywhere no where in sight . Do I trust this no — he will only attack from another side. Does he want to go to court it would be in his community not mine, he needs to think about this. Does his wife want court to happen in small town. This would not bother me at all. The down side I firmly believe he is getting dangerous. So I have to look after myself.

      • Trish
        June 29, 2016 at 4:37 PM

        WOW! I could not said it better myself.

      • Terry
        July 15, 2016 at 11:41 PM

        Stephen your are right your points are good we have to look after our selves have good day

      • Peter
        August 13, 2016 at 4:34 AM

        Hi Stephen,
        I read your comments when posted. I considered your well laid out thoughts for a long time. I will for a long time more.

        To me, there are three very difficult and distinct issues to separate.
        (1) Our relationship with the ex:
        a. We have kids and will always have a relationship.
        b. It is such a mess to deal with.
        c. We cannot belief the person we loved, gave so much to, and trusted so much, is capable of doing the things they are doing.
        (2) Our relationship with ourselves
        a. Look at the mess of a person I am.
        b. How could we behaved the way we did for so long.
        c. Who have we let ourselves become?
        (3) Our relationship with our kids
        a. They are the true victims.
        b. Every thing we do and say is either a benefit or a debt for them.
        c. Long ago we promised ourselves, the family crap would end with us.
        d. How they are suffering.

        Lessons learned and recommendations:
        1. Relationship with the ex:
        Nature is nasty. We intellectualize. We are all so very selfish. We are. They are. Just accept that as a fundamental rule and stop behaving like a victim. You gave, they took. Way to much – both ways. We are being blamed. We need to stop trying to prove ourselves. Let’s love them like we always have. Forgive them as we always have. They gave to us. We gave – don’t expect anything back.
        2. Relationship with ourselves.
        If we don’t love ourselves, no one can. I will fight for me, with everything I have.
        If you are stuck, as many of us here are; read, talk, listen, challenge, change…whatever works..just don’t give up on you. Take care of you. Forgive yourself and celebrate the wonderful you. You are fantastic.
        3. Your relationship with your kids.
        Maybe you planned kids, maybe it was a hormone moment.
        Doesn’t matter now – they are here.
        At some point, you promised yourself they would have a better life than you. That all of the bad family history would stop with you. That your historic debts would be paid by you. So life up to that, no matter how hard it is. Even if it is a D+. It is still better. They don’t hate you. They are in pain. They are in trouble. Help them.

        Some days I fail. Some days are a C+. And some days I earn an A+. Such is life.

      • Molly
        August 16, 2016 at 2:44 PM

        your story is extremely sad. Maybe the ex in your life has a mental illness. In my story my ex is a narcissistic personality and this is a mental illness. He does not know that he is, he just think he is the most wonderful person in the world. I was young and stupid to marry him. At this point he stalks by driving by the house of my house or following my vehicle if am in this community. This will continue until one of us dies. Oh yes he is an alcoholic that has stopped drinking. He attempted to go to AA in the community but because he found such good news to spread around town but others he was asked we leave. This just give you a quick look at the mistake I made in 1972 the mistake is still with me.l

    • Terry
      July 10, 2016 at 6:10 PM

      Its been a very long 24 years since I divorced the father of the children ( I should not use the word father ) he was the town drunk and in addition his extremely best friend and employee is the town drunk and has been since he found alcohol rather than milk. I was married to a man that had a woman problem ( I think his mom was a mental case) and my best guess is that the potty training is where his hatred for woman truly started. He has no respect for woman at all, woman are just necessary to make a man look right and for sex. end of story.

  160. brokenmanbyastathis
    July 5, 2016 at 8:14 PM

    oh my god how I feel all this pain… i have been trying to make it work with the mom for 6 years now since our little girl was conceived. I have busted my butt, i have been demeaned, emasculated, deprived, neglected, and I put it all aside so I can be in my childs life. She has played me as the villain and keeps me away with every little excuse. I raise my voice, i say a bad word and ok cut you off now. We have not fought in court yet but i feel so exhausted so manipulated that i dont have any more fight left in me…my little girl is developing the same bad traits, habits and attitudes that she sees her mom dishing out at me. there have been so many times i have just wanted to let it all go and i am at that point. i dont know how to function without being a around full time for my little girl. i find no joy in anything because all i think of is her and how we are missing out on life…. i have many years to go before she grows up and sees things on her own, but i just cant bear this anymore…

    • Terry
      July 10, 2016 at 5:54 PM

      yes your daughter is little and she is see all the actions that parents do and she is doing the same drill—– I doubt very much that the story will change for you. My story my old son at the age of 14 was drinking alcohol right out of the house that myself and my ex lived in. Now that is a example for a father to set for his children drink until you pass out and in addition bring the bar home after closing and drink some more until I got out of bed and tossed them to the street. One rather funny story in all of this I have divorced the dad but because one of you sons died at the age of 14 the school does an award in his name ( for 26 years now) a year while I was waiting for the award to start the lady next to me began to chat — physical she did not remember me but when I told her what my former name was she said ” oh yes you lived in the party house” that blew out my sails for sure.

  161. Orlis
    July 7, 2016 at 5:13 AM

    Aloof. Disinterested. Disconnected.

    These are a few words which come to mind upon thinking back on the upbringing afforded to my younger brother and I. For several reasons – a few which I do understand – our mother and father were unable to accept and carry out their parental duties. Hugs, love, praise, guidance, confidence building . . . these and other elements went “Missing In Action” during our upbringing.

    A little background:
    Our mother was a very beautiful young woman of light complexion who was dearly sought after by several men of her age. This all changed the day her father bludgeoned a man to his near death. From that point forward, no one dared to court our mother in the small town she grew up in.

    Along comes our father; a dark-skinned diminutive man known for being a charmer. In our mother’s own words, “Your father was either the bravest or most ill-informed man in our town.” Our father, already a well known man, became the “cool little dude” who dared court “Peter’s daughter.” His fame and her looks became the stuff of small town legend. They married, had two sons, but somehow stayed connected to that past which made them whom they’d become. Being parents was a distant second obligation to them. Little else seemed to compare to the fame they had acquired.

    Our father was a very hard working man. Yet, somehow, he never spoke to me about the responsibility of having a job. He loved and still loves baseball more than anything else on the planet. Yet sadly, he never once took me to a baseball game; he never threw a ball at my gloved hand. To my good fortune, his brother (my uncle) got me my first real job at age 15, taught me how to drive, and took me to baseball games when he was catcher for a local team.

    After divorcing our father, our mother did all she could to improve her stature and wealth. She married repeatedly, all the while seemingly forgetting to love her two sons. Although 10 years apart in age, my brother and I sought refuge in the US Navy as soon as we were each old enough to leave home.

    To summarize this, our upbringing was as my brother correctly characterizes it: “They gave us food, water, and shelter. We were raised like little more than pets.” Frankly, it’s a miracle that neither my brother or I ended up in jail. We’re law abiding Citizens who’ve proudly served in our Country’s Military. Still, there is a massive emptiness in the depths of our souls which will never be filled.

    Parents, please, love your sons and daughters. Tell them you love them every day. Hug them. Tell them about the pitfalls of life, and stand behind them when they fail or make a mistake. Show interest in their goals and applaud their accomplishments.

    Two days ago was the 4th of July, 2016. Happy Birthday America! We love you!

    BTW, I am a 56 year old man who now more than ever feels the pain of a flawed upbringing.

    • Terry
      July 10, 2016 at 5:37 PM

      Good morning your story certainly touched me —- you spoke of cool ness from your parents same here. My parent were teenagers in the dust of the late part of 1930 they were neighbour kids so they married and I have 3 brothers and a sister. As adults my sibling and I went on strange paths I think part of it was to just get off the farm looking for a better life. We were extremely poor lots of food as dad raised cattle and mom was a good cook she could make a banquet out of a cup of water and a cup of flour that is talent. My story my story my parents had no instruction in mind at all for me—- it was simply get married to one of the very many alcoholics that were in sight. I did not do this was I smarter no not at all. I travel to the next large city and married alcoholic that was in addition emotionally abuse to me —- I have 5 children with him son number 2 die at the age of 14 son number 3 died at the age of 25 days son number 4 just recently won the citizen of the year in his community child number 5 is a daughter who has not talk to me for about 10 years now — oh yes son number one is an alcoholic that a legacy that is dad and son both alcoholic wow — this son has hate me for the best part of 25 years and just recently went as far a killing his email so I can make contact okay oh yes I was also told not to come to his wedding because I would not be able to conduct myself to his style—– to make this long story a bit shorter my ex stalks me and I have been to the police and the story just keeps getting longer as each day goes by the ex is a narcissist personalities which to extremely close to mental disorder ( that is part of the stalking.) I will end at this point I think you get the idea.

  162. Jacqueline
    July 10, 2016 at 9:38 PM

    After 30 years of marriage four daughters in 2006 I finally found my first EPO after 14 police reports. I had a very controlling and possessive husband where I was a stay-at-home mom at his request, loving every minute of it however and not realizing where I it would leave me financially. I have one of these type husband that never stopped at anything and the divorce ended in 2014 after he drugged me through the court of appeals trying not to play a fraudulent spousal support. The judge ordered I pay for my divorce he pays for his I had a spousal income of 1800 month only that’s how I paid my attorney fees. The first attorney was fraudulent charging me forty thousand. After that one I’ve had five additional attorneys all never told what my ex had taken from are estate. My ex-husband only building business and worked for General Electric and retired from there. We had a 401k which was depleted before I left this divorce it never came to the trial. I ended up with $37,000 total. I. We lived in a half a million-dollar home when I left him and I am now losing my small condo valued at 150000. I have been diagnosed with battered wife syndrome and PTSD. My ex-husband had my children testify in court two of them with things that were not true actually now they admit brainwashing. I have alienated myself from my second daughter to continue taking up for her father even naming a child after him and refuses to see what he has continued to do to me financially. I am the one blamed for his abuse on me for staying with him. I have recently found out that I am not the beneficiary that it belongs to my four daughters and if he should pass I will have no spousal support. I am frightened daily but pray to God I can make it but want the children to understand even though they are adults. My ex goes on lavishing trips all over the world Hawaii 3 times in one year, Florida two or three times a year. When I found out I was going to court and the court of appeals I did not want this I have never wanted to go back to court even despite I was not given the court order or the proper amounts I just wanted it to end but to the court of appeals I went. I was at my daughter’s house and broke into tears and she asked me to get out I am blamed for going to court when he continually takes me and I have no understanding or empathy for my children and it is about to kill me. It is difficult to get over a divorce even though you’ve left when you live in pain like this often everyday. I love my daughters more than life itself the for the life of me I do not understand why they refuse to see or even acknowledge what he has done to me and continues to do. Let me add that my children have witnessed him kicking me down a flight of steps to concrete attacking me and anyways throw me across the room throw me many times and called every name in the book. I was faithful to this man for 30 years. I witnessed the same type of view of abuse when I was a little girl but I do not allow my father to talk or speak poorly of my mother. Can anyone suggest any reading or help here. To make matters worse I went out of the city to another attorney who looked at this case and said I had five malpractice cases against attorneys here. He wanted $10,000 to come to my city and represent me after the approval of his fellow attorneys but I didn’t have it. You see the judge is friends with the quadro attorney here in my state. The judge ordered the quadrilateral to be non biased into division of our remaining assets. Evidently he was paid off because I found document after relieving attorneys wear this court appointed qdro attorney knew of all the takings by my ex and never reported it.

  163. lkoler
    July 11, 2016 at 9:44 PM

    I have not seen my 3 boys in 10 years. My ex says he has not alienated them against me, but he has. Does he really not know what he and his second wife are doing to my children? The alienation started to occur shortly after our divorce. He bullied me into giving himself sole custody, at a time when I was so beside myself after our divorce. I did not know he was already so involved with the woman he cheated on me with. Well, it all snowballed from there. He came to my house and promised me he would take care of their health insurance. I was stupid to believe him and trusted him because he promised me that my visitation would not be disrupted, and I would continue to see my boys the way I had been doing. I trusted him, damn it! I was stupid and should have studied what him having “sole custody” really meant. I did not know the women in his life was in control of everything in his life at that time. I trusted him not to do this to me, because, I thought it was just a trial thing, because I was so depressed about him cheating on me. That is why I divorced him. My name is Lisa Koler and I will always regret him taking advantage of me, when I trusted him. I no longer trust anyone, how could I, he took away my life, my boys. His name is Dr. Ric A. Koler and he is a doctor in Huntsville, Al. He got away with the court because he had money.

    • Melissa Maguire
      June 21, 2017 at 7:08 PM

      My God.. Your story is so similar to mine. Almost exactly the same, Infact. My life now consists of three types of days. Some days, I feel like an amputee. I am frantic on those days. Constantly searching for what’s been taken from me. Some days I feel like a paraplegic. On those days, I physically cannot move, because the sadness is so unbearable. Some days I feel like a ghost. Those are the days where I drift through life caught in the inbetween. Half way alive and half way dead. Almost like another parellel universe. There is something inherently wrong with a mother being separated from her children. It defies the laws of nature. Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me feel not so alone in the world.

  164. Marion
    July 22, 2016 at 10:38 PM

    I have finally hit the stage of acceptance. After over two years of trying to move forward, our teenage daughters are angry, manipulative, hurtful in their responses to me. I can’t do it anymore. I love them to much to continue trying to be a parent yet getting all the anger. I’m prepared to walk away. They hate going to the counselor, they hate that I got a court moderator so that I could keep things civil with their dad, it is hate hate hate for over two years.

    • Terry
      July 27, 2016 at 4:08 PM

      I truly hope you have reach acceptance. Somehow it looks like that will not happen in my life. The father of my children (adult) is a narcissist personality. Living with him was more than tough being divorced is harder he is angary now and showing new behavior. Out of the 5 children that I gave life too, two died young and the oldest and the youngest have been successful bought by their like a trip to Hawaii etc.—- Look up Narcissistic personalities and see how close you are — I found this truly upsetting. have a good day am making cupcakes.

  165. July 23, 2016 at 8:56 PM

    This is a great article that identifies the root causes and stages of PAS. I have experienced all of this and more but my internal strength keeps me going. As my mother said, ”some people you just have to treat with a long handled spoon.”

    • Terry
      July 27, 2016 at 4:10 PM

      OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH your mom was so right a long handle spoon. I have never heard that before but it will stay with me now and forever.

      • September 30, 2016 at 4:16 PM

        Thanks terry, some people you just have to keep at t distance.

      • Molly
        October 8, 2016 at 6:05 PM

        oh yes for sure some people need to be kept away I have a ex how stalks me on that is another story within all that life has given me. have a good day.

  166. Terry
    July 27, 2016 at 5:00 PM

    Hi Cindy I read your post. In my story I did not have to go to court. The father of my children is a narcissist type of personality. I found a lot of comfort when I read the book Surviving the Strom. It talks a lot about court room stuff. this may apply to you. My youngest son is coming to see me this week and he is bringing his family. In my story because I have 4 sons ( two died young) and one daughter. The son that is coming to see me is the middle child of 5 or 3 I guess it is. He also lives in small community where his dad is. My ex stalks and has now for 24 years. I have been to the police who was amazed that 24 years and still stalking me. Narcissist type of people just never give up. When am in his community its amazing how he is out driving I guess just for the fun of it.. I now that each time I have moved he has to drive by the house I live in this does not make sense a house is a house with a front door windows garage etc. My ex husband remarried do the first woman he said hello to—- if he was trying to make me jealous well it failed. I am a lot of thing but jealousy is not in my file. I agree with you there is a lot of evil in the world and I agree that stalkers will pay the price there is no heaven for him. I am going to the gym it cleans out the spider webs. take care of yourself.

  167. July 27, 2016 at 9:35 PM

    My husband and divorcd in 2012. I moved back home with my mom and brought my then 10 yr old daughter and 14 year old son. I regressed into partying abd drinking and leaving them emotionally abandoned. I never thought I would become that desperate women trying to fill an emptiness without a spouse. They told me they were unhappy but I promised fake promises to be around more. I was selfish and totally unavailable. After a terrible incident they moved back with their dad. Since then my children have dropped me from their life. I am constantly grieving over this loss. I can never get the time back that I have lost. I am more than aware of my actions that led to this. They will not talk to me anymore. They won’t answer the phone or return any of my messages. I never thought I would be the kind of mother that would put herself in front of her childrens needs. It haunts me everyday. When I see mothers with chidren I start to cry. I can’t even walk into a clothing department with clothes for babies or teens. I have nothing financially to offer them. I am trying to become a nurse so I can help them financially. But I have lost tchidren I raised and love. I tear up when I hear people talking about their children. I ache for them like a phantom limb. I will never be the mother I wanted to be for them. I am devasted that I have not contact with them.,

    • Terry
      July 28, 2016 at 1:39 PM

      hi Shannon yes okay you made and a mistake all of us have made mistakes some of us over and over again. I have two adult children that will not talk to me for like about 14 years now. I grieve I cry and I try very hard to be myself a nice person each day even if it is opening a door for another person. I can only make me okay . I have made connection and will soon have a meeting for a broad member position for Victim Services I am a batter woman —- I need to look after me so I am will be health, Your children will return someday— no-one ever forgets their mom. have a good day and take care of you

  168. Cass
    July 30, 2016 at 11:32 PM

    Hi I was forced to accept my 14 year old daughter ,doesn’t want anything to do with me.She fought with everyone at school to point could no longer could go to school as bad groups of kids would be out front of house threatening her.I even was at shopping centre with her and kids would threaten to ransack my house cause she threatened them even when I was holding a toddler in my arms.I moved her numerous times as in location as the fighting at schools and her peers was really bad.I use to think it was the areas I picked but then finally realised its her and the bad friends she picks.My teenager hated everyone except me ,I was the only person she would come to if upset.We had a argument and I told her to get out of house ,as her moods and abuse was getting worse as she wasn’t going to school and I couldn’t deal being around her all the time.So she went for 2 weeks.While she was as there ,her verbal abuse becoming increasingly worse.She was calling me dog,cun….,bitch etc.Then she finally came back home.She was extremely aggressive and abusive and scared my toddler so I slapped her.And then she packed her things and went back to her friends house.Now she says she absolutely hates me ,doesn’t want me as mum,told me to move on ,says she can’t be around me and can’t love me anymore as she’s found a new family with her friend and mum.

    • Molly
      August 7, 2016 at 10:42 PM

      hi I email you earlier I just read your post again your daughter will not last with the new family— yes she is out to hurt you and you are hurting, Remember your the mom and it make take a long time for her to cool down, but she will cool down.

  169. Bob
    July 31, 2016 at 9:58 PM

    Its really hard to discuss this anywhere without hearing “Oh your just trying to turn him against his mother” I know that happens alot and i know men and women are both guilty of it but in fact i had never heard of the term “parental alienation syndrome”until a couple days ago ,i was actually starting to think based on everyones reaction when i brought up my feelings that it was all in my head and even my son told me i was dillusional right before he stopped talking to me and cut all contact.His mother moved him away to another state when he was 4 basically without more than a few days noticed after i had relocated closer to him to spend more time together,there was no history of abuse and i was paying support so that was a red flag anyway but hes 29 now and i feel like ive pretty much lost him forever.im in another location i moved to be able to see him more after my parents died in 2008 (about a month apart) but that has turned into a disaster since he no longer wants contact.He has a half brother here by myself and my present wife but my youngest son is mentally disabled and unable to take care of himself,myself and my 2 sons are all that is left of my family i have no other relatives anymore and i feel horrible for anyone else who has to go through this.

    • Molly
      August 7, 2016 at 2:51 PM

      Bob your story is tough and I feel sorry for you. All I know is that you are not alone My ex husband as turned the oldest son ( alcoholic) and my youngest child against me major—- he does this because he lives in the past ( what a terrible wife I was) if so move on which he did married the first woman he said hello to okay fine with me. But he is mot happy anyway what he is a narcissistic personality that just can not let go. I had to leave am sure I would not be typing this had I said it was a terrible marriage to a man that cannot let go. He stalks by doing such things as following my vehicle if am in this community and of course driving by my house to look at it. I went to the police and they are amazed that 24 years he is still acting up.

    • Molly
      August 7, 2016 at 5:22 PM

      Yes Bob it happens a lot that one parent will try to turn adult children against the other parent. In my case I think if I had stayed I would not be typing this today. A person can’t type out of the grave. I left and two of my 5 children have taking sides with their dad who is a narcissistic personality ( look up narcissistic if your not sure) he pays the adult children its small gift like trips to Hawaii am not playing that game. I will live in my home and support myself and not even think that my children would or will take me in — in my old age. As we age unless you have a bungalow with few stairs houses with stairs are not your style. While I was married to him two of my sons die young now a narcissistic person certainly has weird ways of showing grieve in a short as long as the public was watching he cried etc for expression. I have some very ugly memories that just do not want to leave. All I can say is have a good day. I am going to the gym sweat helps.

  170. JR
    August 1, 2016 at 10:29 PM

    Shannon, God will forgive you of your sins if you repent and ask Him. Then cling to Jesus. He can turn the impossible into the possible. My kids were alienated against me for 20 plus years. I now have my daughter back kind of, all because of God. My son is still hateful but I told God 1/2 is okay! There is life outside of being a parent; I had to realize that during my 20 years. I can tell you even as a Christian the grief and pain were unbearable at times. I just kept clinging to God. Now I am at this point that if my daughter left again I’d be okay. My heart and mind, my eyes and my hope are in Christ alone, not people. You were created for a relationship with God but are alienated from Him because of your sins. To stop the alienation from God, you have to repent of your sins and ask Jesus to take over your life. When you do that, you become born into God’s family and can enjoy a relationship with Him. God knows where your kids are at, and He too is actively seeking a relationship with them and you. God knows what parental alienation is all about because He has been alienated from all of us! God CAN turn this around for you. I know He can.

  171. Nobody
    August 8, 2016 at 2:47 PM

    8 years now without any contact but un-replied to emails. The courts are useless, and now they are slowly stripping me of all my rights. They allowed their last name to change without consulting me and have moved out of state twice all unilaterally. And today the courts said no visitation at all because my oldest is 14 and close enough to the age of consent for it to be her choice and it’s “unfair” to force my 12-year-old to visit. They want me to give up my rights so their mom can allow their step-father to adopt them. I’m lost every day, depressed, financially and emotionally ruined and yet I feel oddly better after reading some of these comments, my heart bleeds for all who go through this, I tell you now hope is dangerous but it may be all we ever have.

  172. Tyler Short
    August 14, 2016 at 7:22 PM

    I’ve been fighting this for 2 years and already feel like giving up. My kids are being destroyed before my eyes and I have to constantly fight to stay in their lives. The lies keep getting worse and worse and I’m terrified that the next one will be allegations of abuse. My ex wife is truly demented and she would chop off my kids hands if she knew it would hurt me. The sad thing is she had the affairs that ended the marriage.

  173. August 15, 2016 at 11:51 PM

    I have read your stories…and feel such sadness for all. I just learned the term “parental alienation” in context of learning about Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. My story is not as an ex-spouse, but as a friend of a grandmother of 2 boys who she was attempting to raise. She did not have stable moods…but was mostly presenting as a nice person who appeared down on her luck. She was raising 2 boys who were born to her drug-addicted daughter. I stepped in to help with my time, love, finances from the day both these boys were born. I enjoyed time with the boys evenings and most weekends and all vacations. They were like my boys in our relationship…I love them dearly, funded their private education, attorney fees for their adoption, sports, summer camps, housing and food. The grandmother was continually losing her employment…so I felt obligated to and enjoyed ensuring the boys were safe and cared for. I was single and had the love and time to give. Then ~ sadly the older boy was diagnosed with a terminal degenerative brain disease when he was 12. That is when the Grandmother’s hateful and alienating behaviors started getting directed at me…at that time they lived in my house rent free (I lived about 60 miles away when this occurred). I moved back to be closer and help everyone through this traumatic diagnosis…fast forward 2 months ~ the day she got her check from the state to support him in “home health care” ~ she told me I couldn’t visit anymore. That I was bad for both boys and she wished she never let me be so close with them. Keep in mind…I did nothing wrong…she just started criticizing everything I did and she just told me I was bad. It has been 3 years ago next month. I haven’t worked since this time, struggle to trust people, and watch on her Facebook page as she posts pictures of my boy who is suffering with dementia and dying. While she solicits money. Crazy woman. I worked with a therapist who read 100% of her email communication to me and he said he was convinced she had Borderline Personality Disorder and would not seek help…especially during a traumatic time. So the most loving thing for me to do for the boys was to not provoke her by pushing to see them. So I live with the question now…should I try to go see him before he dies? People there tell me that he asks for me all the time even in his state of dementia. Or should I let go. I love them both too much to cause them pain ~ she is really a mean person ~ I have no doubt she is hard to live with. But I really am confused about trying to get there to see him before he passes away. I want to see him, but I don’t want him to suffer because I came uninvited. Regardless, I know I need to let go of the idea that life is fair and all people are kind. Reality has taught me differently. I loved well then…the best I could for those boys. I am just not sure the right way to love them now…is it to let go.?

    • Molly
      August 16, 2016 at 7:35 PM

      Yes the down size is letting go. This woman sounds too scary and maybe does have a mental condition. Let go and feel proud of the past and that you did help him. It is so sad for children to die young but this child is going to heaven.

    • Peter
      August 24, 2016 at 11:08 AM

      Hi Wendy,
      My free advice:
      As much as Grandma wants it to be about her, it’s not. It’s about the boy. He is dying. Likely alone. Do what you believe is the right thing for him. Let him know he is loved.

      • Renee
        August 27, 2016 at 1:28 AM

        Thank you Peter for putting into words what I was feeling. I started to respond but couldn’t get it out. I agree with 1000%. Let the young man know you love him and that you always have and will always carry a piece of him with you.

      • Molly
        August 27, 2016 at 1:49 AM

        I agree with Wendy — this story is not about the grandma its about a boy that is dying. Actually kick Grandma to the curb

  174. Jean
    August 31, 2016 at 4:24 AM

    Thank you for the wise words. Missing my children and so tired and financially drained. Tired of being used, ignored, not matter ing in my daughters lives. Tired of always hearing about someone else fulfilling the role I had chosen (mother ).
    My family and friends don’t understand I’m grieving their loss. It is like they died, but they have not.
    I have to close their bedroom door because it hurts to see it empty.

  175. Hope
    September 3, 2016 at 10:21 PM

    I hurt for everyone who has written on this site… I’ve been there. It was heart wrenching, and I felt lost, in disbelief, and alone at the time. After the divorce my teenaged son would not see me for over 2 years, and seemed as if under a spell, believing awful things about me. PA is insidious psychological abuse of a child by a mentally unwell parent who is triggered and unhinged. The children are victims and should never be blamed, no matter what behavior they show. We need to find a way to recognize and stop PA through the courts and the therapeutic community, both of which are generally impotent with regard to this pervasive abuse. The adversarial legal system is partly to blame as it inflames the conflict which triggers mental health weaknesses in all involved.

    When I was going through it I looked everywhere for help to bring my son back. There were few Internet postings of parents who were able to reunite, or who could suggest how. So I would like to post my experience to give hope for reuniting, and say what helped me. I urge you not to give up, because you are and always have been their parent. Your child loves and needs you to be strong and actively creating an environment that inspires reuniting. Thank goodness and with heartfelt gratitude to all who helped us, my son returned a year ago, and we are healing wounds.

    -don’t give up
    -never blame the child
    -reduce tension in relation to ex; be respectful, civil, show you are able to speak together in front of your children. This parent is a part of them so rejecting that parent is felt as a rejection of them, causes painful internal conflict. To reduce that conflict children feel they must choose, and may stay with the parent whose love is entwined with need, or is more conditional, often on the rejection of you.
    -I did not use family court because of my experience of its relative incompetence and lack of care during the divorce, which gave me no confidence in its ability to help this sensitive situation. I had a strong sense it would backfire and cause more resentment in my son, would add to his sense of conflict and stress, and use up funds I needed to pay his college tuition.
    -fought hate with unconditional love-patient, continuous, unflinching. I behaved based on my own code, not in reaction to others’ behavior.
    -took time to heal myself, to soul-search, read and learn, to plan a strategy to bring him back to me and his whole family
    -I researched PA extensively, read multiple books. I most benefitted from Richard Warshak’s Divorce Poison, and Dr. Craig Childress’ work.
    -I continued living my life as fully as possible-consciously focused on gratitude for what I had, worked hard to be financially independent, found a new loving supportive partner, spent time with friends, sought new experiences, spent a lot of time in nature.
    -I committed to writing my son brief loving notes including photos, each 1-2 weeks. No negativity, expectations, or guilt. Occasional suggestions of what fun things I envisioned doing together someday when he felt ready.
    -I tried not to be pushy, and to relax in the knowledge that someday he would return, on his own timetable of healing
    -stated my boundaries, with kindness
    -I asked for support from everybody-friends, his therapist, my family, the family of my ex with whom I worked to maintain a good relationship, to speak to him of me and encourage reuniting. This was key.
    -I looked for opportunities, asking to be briefly in his presence, but letting him control the contact
    -I kept believing in the good outcome. Envisioning, asking, showing gratitude for any little thing.

    I hope my thoughts help. Please keep your hope alive and actively work step by step, undaunted, to heal yourself, your child, and your whole family.

  176. Jon
    September 4, 2016 at 1:12 PM

    I live in Minnesota and the laws here are so incredibly bad, that they allow a woman to alienate a father from their child legally. I was kicked out as a stay at home dad, had no job, no money to fight anything. My child’s mother has degraded me and used the wrongful amount of power this state gives her to alienate me from my son. The legal system is a complete joke, and it’s exactly what eroded the family unit. The laws here give my ex or any mother no incentive at all to work things out, and easily allows for a narcissist to use the child. If we had a custody agreement (which I cannot affor) the court would say she is alienating me from my son by not including me in decisions regarding safety, welfare, and education. They consider this very serious, and that experts says it damages a child’s self worth. So being that I don’t have the money to take her to court, and can’t establish a custody agreement, how is the effect on my child any different? His self worth is still being damaged. The article above is true, it is just like a living death.

    • Molly
      September 6, 2016 at 1:42 PM

      I truly feel sorry for you. The legal system sucks for sure. My best guess is that the mother in this story is a narcissistic person. my ex is narcissistic it was hell living with him and at this point he stalks when I go to his community where the grandchildren live. It all sucks

  177. Sue
    September 6, 2016 at 12:32 PM

    I waved the flag …sure ending for the sole purpose of my granddaughter who just turned 11 a few days ago -I wasn’t invited to party!!!
    I provided a home & as a loving grandmother, took on the dad/mom/grandmother role so my adult daughter (only child , could finish college & move out being self sufficient & productive, gratified human in society!
    But, unbeknownst to me-she had boyfriend who moved my 7 yr old without a transition conversation nor preparation ?! (I am a retired school teacher & advocated for children!). When I was upset over it, I was “cut off” completely for 1 1/2 years ! The controlling domineering man (that my daughter wasn’t allowed to call her boyfriend !), -suddenly became ‘boyfriend/maid/bill payer/food shopper/cook/ servant to a man who disciplines my granddaughter inappropriately! My granddaughter told me that she is afraid of him! I requested that they move out , as it is better to err on the side of caution, but my daughter said,”he’s her dad!”
    But, on her 10th birthday, I askd my daughter what he’s doing for her birthday she said,”Nothing, he’s NOT her father!” Wow!!!? He bought her a gift once & it was something that totally is NOT anything my granddaughter ever wanted …!?
    Now, my mother died & left some money to me, her only child, & since my daughter didn’t get it… Her boyfriend (I’m sure is involved!) and her don’t talk to me n told me ,”Angelina (my now 11 year old) is mad at you due to the way you treat her mom!”
    She was never the same girl after the first 1 1/2 year alienation in which it was obvious how angry my lil girl felt that I wasn’t there for her… She use to wait at front foot LIKE I was a movie star!- sooo happy to see me & now , she tried to punch & slap me!!!
    That is why I surrendered !!! She is an angry child who now (as my daughter told me!) lacking confidence, eats constantly , & who knows what else ?!
    Is there any advice as to when it is too late?!

    • Molly
      September 10, 2016 at 1:29 AM

      Sue your story truly sucks — I really have no suggestions that would work. Their is many of us with the same broke heart. My story I married the wrong guy that had to win at any cost. In a short sentence he is not going to heaven. have a good day

    • Peter
      September 10, 2016 at 2:31 PM

      You were taken out of grand daughter’s life. That is so very painful.
      No doubt she is managing her pain by striking out against you. It’s not your fault. Please don’t take it personally. Let her know she is loved unconditionally and do those special things you have always done for her. Don’t ask or expect anything in return, she is using all her emotional energy just to survive. She needs you to be strong.
      …I don’t know when it is too late, but 11 is way too early to give up on her.

    • Molly
      September 10, 2016 at 5:29 PM

      Sue I replied last night and have just read your post again. your getting screwed for sure.— is there a way out I do not think so. Time does help but the young girl maybe getting much madder as each day pass.. My two cents I would try very hard to keep contact even if she is mad and talk about you at least she is talking — the cold shoulder is terrible— if you do not know the signs for suicide learn them and pay attention. If you know the kind of gift she would like buy send it keep trying its so worth it. My daughter is 33 and as been financial bought by her dad.– he is 70 and fear the nursing home so she will have to take him in — what a story. we all have terrible stories my mistake I married him but because he stalks me now he probably would have if I had told him to hit the road. have a good a day as you.

  178. September 6, 2016 at 3:26 PM

    My father was living with my mother before going to pension but when he receive his money for retirement he left my mom for another woman and he didn’t Even give me money now I’m in high school I’m struggling with money because mom doesn’t work i feel useless but education is my only hope Nd god

    • Molly
      September 10, 2016 at 11:44 PM

      I am sure you have heard this before get your education its tough that dad walked out and left mom with no money she needs you more that never now. You are her support system—-take care of her. She only has how many years left.

  179. vic
    September 7, 2016 at 3:54 PM

    My situation is a little different from most. I have one daughter and from the day she could speak, it was always 2 against 1 in our home for years. Her mother went against what I said and let our daughter do just the opposite, behind my back. At 15, she put our daughter on birth control without even a discussion with me. I have watched my daughter become more and more hateful toward me for a long time. She has had me fired from a job, turned me in to bill collectors, thrown out items of mine that were very precious to me, spied on me, turned others against me, etc. When my ex decided to leave, she ran to our daughter, said she was afraid of me (first time in 32 years of marriage), and needed our daughter’s protection. When I couldn’t deal with this any more, I left for Alaska to get away from their hatefulness. The night before I left, I asked my daughter if I could sleep on her couch as I had nowhere to stay and she told me to go sleep in the car.
    Now, she doesn’t acknowledge me on Father’s Day, my birthday, holidays, and it’s been this way for nearly 5 years. But what is most infuriating to me is that she is now doing the same thing to my grandkids. She has had them spy on me and report back to her, they have been rude and condescending to me, they never say thank you for things that I send them, and have created a huge gap between themselves and me. The very same thing her mother did, she is now doing to her own children. She doesn’t care about anyone else but herself as you can see. I, myself, am done with her and her abuse. All I want is a relationship with my grandkids, nothing more. But knowing they are the most precious thing to me, she’s been working to hurt me, yet another way, through them. I have been to counseling for years to figure out what I might have done to warrant this type of behavior and have realized that it wasn’t me with the problem, it was them. What a relief that was. I’m going to go see my grandkids in a couple of weeks, as they live in another state. My only communication with them is through my son-in-law, who my daughter threw out several years ago. He and I have more of a parent/child relationship than I have ever had with her, and I’m so thankful for him. My grandkids are great kids. They don’t need this type of crap in their lives and I am hopeful that, one day, they will see what their mother and grandmother have done, and will treat them with the same type of behavior that has been wished on me all these years. Me, I now have someone who I adore and loves me very much. It’s embarrassing to have someone else see how I’m treated, especially when they have a happy, happy family and everyone gets along. She doesn’t understand why my daughter is doing what she is doing. All we both can do is accept things and go on with our lives, but it certainly hasn’t been easy.

    • Molly
      September 10, 2016 at 11:53 PM

      Vic you story is just strange to say any thing. I would think there is mental illness in the story — look under things like narcissistic and or the DSM model you can not change the story but it might take off some pressure.— it is really good that you have that connection with the son in law. hang on to him — you need all the help he can give you and yes your live suck for sure. take care I wish I could do something but I can’t I have my own devils as the vow go until death oh yes

  180. Amalowze
    September 7, 2016 at 8:51 PM

    All these haggles back and forth of fathers, in pain and mothers, feeling justified in what they do. My only question is, If roles/positions were switched right from the beginning of the divorce and every single attitude, behavior, action done from one parent to the other, is switched around, will those, especially the mothers, like to be treated exactly the same way they have treated the fathers? Would they be happy? If the children were taken away, their paychecks garnished, now make a visitor to your own children, badmouthed, alienated, efforts to be a parent blocked/frustrated, Would they feel resentment, brokenness, anger at the other parent?

    Of course yes,…. That should tell you who and what kind of humanoid you are.

    • Molly
      September 10, 2016 at 11:56 PM

      yes I talked to you early day I hope it helped am in pain also.

  181. Robin
    September 10, 2016 at 6:36 PM

    I find myself at the stage of, letting go.

    My ex husband I had agreement to both a joint physical and legal custody arrangement of our two small children (then 4 and 7) pending our divorce 11 years ago. Since that time we both remarried. We both had more children with our new spouses. For a couple of years we did OK with it. The start of the downfall, in my opinion, was when he called asking about changing schools from public to a charter school, which I did not agree to. He went ahead and signed them up against my wishes. He also sent me court papers suing me for full legal custody. Money and stress was what I lived for awhile to come. The courts did not allow him to do either of what he intended. A small victory. It did not stop there. In fact, it become more challenging. Every decision about doctors, dentists, eye, all became his only. There was no discussion of bending. I started getting letters signed and dated from him about improper hygiene and malnutrition of our daughter. Accusations that were not only false but completely ridiculous. His wife was a nurse so many a times I would receive packets on how to care for our daughters health. We went on to seek the help of a Guardian Ad Litem. She made us share. I was fine with sharing. I wasn’t fine with the multitude of disrespect and lack of concern for communication. We became nobody’s. We didn’t matter.

    Years past and the kids became preteens. My daughter had announced she was Gay. I was under a lot of stress from the unexpected death of my mother. My oldest son was acting out. It was Easter weekend. We were supposed to be attending midnight mass. I asked my son to take a nap. He refused. Told me he didn’t have to take naps at this dads. Mouthed off and got spanked my his step-dad. 13 is old for a spanking, I knew. My son called his dad behind my back. Was picked up in the driveway in 10 minutes. It was the last time we shared. I was told if I tried to come pick them up I would loose all my kids. I was threatened. Yelled at on the phone as if my son had been beaten his entire life. My self esteem became none. I almost left another husband. I cried so hard and hated everyone.

    That was 2 years ago. 4 months ago my x told me his wife was looking for a nursing job in Hawaii and they were moving and taking our kids. I wanted him to die. I talked to the kids about staying with me. My daughter opposed. My son said yes. I talked to a lawyer. She informed me to file a contempt of court order and how much it would cost to pursue this case. A small fortune. As of yesterday, I had my son tell me his step-mom did get a job, in Texas. He told me to look on the brightside. Flying him home in the summer would cost less than Hawaii. I understood, he wanted to go with this dad for school.

    Leaving behind his 10 year old brother and 7 year old sister. We are all hurt. The kids are 15 and 17. I just tell myself it’s okay, I didn’t do anything wrong. This happens to more people than I know.

    We love them. I know they know.

    Letting go has begun

    • Molly
      September 10, 2016 at 11:38 PM

      hi I read your post you are so close to my story it hurts’ made the mistakes of marrying the wrong guy gee I did not have a baby on the way just stupid. I had five live births with the ex and one son die at 25 days of age the second son die at age 14 two of my other children live fairly close by and do not talk to me at all. The oldest son got married phoned me and told me to stay away from his wedding I was not wanted. my only daughter of the five children does not talk to me she has me blocked on face book wow is that a big person. I receive on mothers days card or birthday card or phone calls from the oldest and youngest of my five children. I can and do go to the cemetery and I have wonderful dialogue with my two sons that are buried side by each. Talk about the lord look after me that second grave waited open for 14 years until his brother could join him. —- I will be cemented and spilked ( spelling here) emotional —over their graves I will be with my sons — I wish I could help you but I can’t say on line and read and listen it does help. I write in a journal daily and I think this has saved many times I put my anger on paper.

  182. Jean Dantzler
    September 12, 2016 at 4:18 AM

    I’ve GOT to share.
    Just got a note from my lawyer. The EX wants me to sign over the two college savings accounts that I have saved (as a single-divorced mom), for my two children, so that HE can administer them.

    These accounts were originally begun with money I received from my dead father’s estate. They’re not much, but I saved and I added to them over the years, for my children.
    While they continued to purchase new cars, lease cars, buy the latest cell phones and giant tvs, I saved what I could.

    These 3 NEVER cease to amaze me!

    • Kevin
      September 13, 2016 at 4:00 PM

      And you won’t share ? Really, how selfish of you not to continue to let them abuse you.

      It took me years to learn this because I always wanted to appease the BPD mother hoping that she would change and allow me to see my boys. She didn’t and nothing I could do could ever overcome the hatred of a BPD woman. That’s what I eventually learned.

      These people don’t live in our world, their from hell and their name is Satan.
      If you turned over the college money, they would think of you as a fool that they own.
      Their narcissistic and your children have learned to act this way by example.
      Move on, live, love and be happy!!

      • Molly
        September 17, 2016 at 12:37 AM

        Kevin please do not turn that money over to any adults in my divorce I was asked to have money for the kids when they turned 18 I did I took them to the bank and the transfer went from my account into theirs. There father is a get rich type of person and so far he has not gotten rick quick. Go the bank and tie the money up until they are of age. This helped but could be ways around it — a creep I married a creep and am still struggle with this after leaving 30 years ago. Some people do not know how to let GO

      • Nancy
        September 27, 2016 at 3:54 PM

        I like the way u worded it………..being someone’s fool that they own. That’s been me since my daughter was 3. She is 30 now. Now I am her fool too!!! I have officially given up. Those 2 have not broken me yet. I am still intact. Some days barely!!! This has been my living hell! I need a miracle! I often wonder if her dad were to be out of the picture, for whatever reason, would she come to me then????!!!! Hurting for Life, Nancy

      • Molly
        September 27, 2016 at 5:52 PM

        Nancy we all hang on to hope hang on — I believe she will come back to you, get yourself prepare like what to do if she rings the doorbell? what do I say? think hard make a plan. Today my second son would be 41 he die at age 14 am I going to see him Yes am going to heaven no one lives a life like I had too long to type I know am going to join him in heaven have a good day.

      • Molly
        October 8, 2016 at 11:13 PM

        Oh yes my brother is in the same situation only one of this children talk to him. If either my son or daughter ran the bell it would so simply “come on in ” and then use my body language for a hug and have a box Kleenex near as both of us would cry. — my ex is a very cruel person if I had not left him I would not be alive today to type this message you take care of yourself too.

    • Molly
      September 19, 2016 at 6:27 PM

      I have just reread your post 1. money, 2, estate, 3 sayings — your ex has not let go at all. and guess he will continue to be in your face — my ex goes through the adult kids to get at me, like I just had a birthday and out of three I heard from one, nice set up the ex is completely in control— did it hurt not really was it a surprise and at all would I return to him short answer NEVER have a good day.

    • Jean Dantzler
      October 7, 2016 at 11:12 PM

      RECAP – thanks to your advice, I held onto the accounts
      – – of course, I may have to cash in, just to pay ongoing child support but who cares?
      The sad fact is I had “saved” of what little I had for my daughters futures, meanwhile, their dad spent every dollar he could get his hands on and probably paid for most of a new car for his lawyer.

      He’s selfish, an idiot, and I should have divorced him years earlier.

  183. Kevin
    September 12, 2016 at 3:45 PM

    Eventually all will let go of their alienated children when they realize that those children have become as abusive as their perpetrator BPD parent that does everything to ruin you as a parent. Your transferred into an evil parent in your children’s eyes and they treat you with disgust and hatred. The harder you try to explain the truth, the evil BPD spouse counteracts it with lies.

    You can’t save your children in the environment of our abusive Family Court system that allows this BPD sickness to go on. Alienation is taboo to that system and doesn’t exist even though you’ve proved it and the Judge knows it is happening.

    Your children are gone the day you filed for divorce so you could get away from this abusive BPD spouse. The parent child relationship you had with your little child that you loved so dearly died that day.

    Sorry for the truth but you have to let go to go on. I fought for 8 years using $350,000 in lawyers. I know I lost 3 out of 4 boys to this sickness.

    To all, take care of yourself and when you realize this, you will be truly be saved from this hell.

  184. Robin
    September 12, 2016 at 4:29 PM

    I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your boys, Molly. I can’t imagine how hard that is for you to deal with.

    I also lean a lot on the Lord. Asking for strength to cope with the darkness in my heart. To try and remember to take care of myself and keep moving. Thank you for talking with me. I do agree that communication with others dealing with similar situations does make me feel less alone. I will take your advise and try to continue to write about it, and maybe even be able to help others someday.

    God bless.

    • Molly
      September 17, 2016 at 8:17 PM

      Robin thank you for your reply yes keep moving I just came home from the gym I do weights walk on the track 750 meters and then I do major work out on the “ball” I sweat and feel ,better have a good day

  185. Peter
    September 13, 2016 at 4:45 AM

    If you know anyone whose family is at risk, please send them a link to this forum. While all of our stories are so very different, there is commonality in the disbelief former loved ones can behave this way and the resulting consuming pain.

    At the end of the day, it is not a divorce, it is a family break-up. For all our expressed pain, it is the kids that are hurt the most. Likely for a couple generations to come.

    To me, everyone contemplating breaking-up their family should spend time here and see who they will become and what they are capable of doing.

    Maybe they will learn something, as I dare say each of us has — too late.


    P.S. If you know of a public forum where kids of any age from family break-ups post, please reply with the link. We might learn from them.

    • Molly
      September 17, 2016 at 8:29 PM

      Peter I agree it is the children adult children who are hurt the most. My daughter the only girl out of 5 has 100% taken her dad’s side but then he bought her a ticket to Hawaii for xmas this year. I can’t and will not use money to buy love. Oh yes it is truly a family break up — but this family that I had had the devil in it called alcohol now that is a whole other story. The ex love for alcohol and a man that drank extremely a lot — am surprise he is still alive I did not think a person can live on alcohol alone but looking into his story his son was the sober driver driving a car that had too much power he die around the age of 18 now is this a sign or what//////

      • Molly
        September 18, 2016 at 12:05 AM

        letting go is very hard to do. My ex immediately married the first woman he said hello to ( that small town for you) his dating was a attempt to pull me back in I told him this is the best news I hard this week. He did not catch like have a good da.

  186. Jean
    September 13, 2016 at 3:42 PM

    I need advise
    Hopefully getting to the final stages of yet another custody battle. Have not gone to trial and dont want to.
    I am out of money, my lawyer will be dropping representation at this last visit.

    I have 2 accounts I have saved for my children’s college costs – not much, total maybe $12000. I have saved this. Now the ex wants me to sign over those accounts to him.
    This would formally put them in control of everything, including not notifying me of where my children go to college.
    If I thought signing these over would end any contact with him, I would, but I know it wont. It will be just another chunk that I have lost.

    What would you do?

    • Peter
      September 16, 2016 at 9:02 PM

      Specifically to your question “What would you do?” I would not sign.
      You saved for their education.If you sign away your rights, your has ex’s sole discretion the money can be used for anything remotely related. The kids may lose the opportunity to get an education and you lose out on an important opportunity to let your kids know their importance to you.
      I predict, with some certainty, that your ex will take credit for your efforts and you will be further alienated from your kids.
      Pick your battles. The right to have maintain some control of the education fund is one you can win.

      • Molly
        September 17, 2016 at 11:47 PM

        Peter it is so hard. I have stopped crying a long time ago. I go to the gym like 7 days a week I need to look after my health. The children’s father stalks me for more than 24 years now I have been to the police which in many respect truly made me feel like a victim now I am one ( victim) so why do I feel worse. Today is my birthday and I have not had a call or a card or an email no contact from my 3 living children. Two of my sons are in heaven have a good I hope to hear you again thanks

    • Kevin
      September 16, 2016 at 10:50 PM

      Ignore their stupidity and throw a party with the money!

    • Kaen
      September 20, 2016 at 8:57 PM

      Given the assets speak highly of your concern for the future of your offspring, and that parental alienation should be listed as a hate crime. It predisposes me first to congratulate you that your savings speaks of the care and empathy you would have given to every second of opportunity to be a part of the lifetime of time lost. Personally I would contact the University closest to you and speak to a professor in Child and Youth Care. Ask if an educational trust could be established where the child was informed where the money came from, the intentions behind it and your contact info. Perhaps if you had this educated body of people who study the effects of parental alienation on children you might gain an advocate who could effectively voice an oppinion contrary to your exes in a logical and empowering way. Hugs

  187. September 14, 2016 at 2:23 PM

    It’s been five years since I’ve seen or spoken to my boys. They were nine when they were stolen from me, by a selfish controlling mother who hates me more than she loves her children. Now they are 14, almost 15 years old, and I’m trying hard to accept that the boys I knew are gone. I want to still fight for them, but I can’t bear the pain every day. I want the grieving process to progress, but it feels like it starts over fresh every single day. How do you move on when every day feels like the first day of your loss?

    • Ashton
      September 16, 2016 at 8:53 PM

      Grief and loss is a form of trauma. It sounds as if your grief and loss is leaning towards PTSD since you keep re-experiencing your loss. This is not something you overcome without help. The Colin Ross Trauma Program really helped me to deal with and not avoid grief feelings. This isn’t intuitive but avoiding feelings actually creates more intense re-experiencing of your loss. Find someone who is an expert in grief, loss and trauma who can help you deal with your grief in a healthy way.

      Also, I have noticed a lot of people have a hard time letting go due to the guilt. They have the belief that by letting go of their children and allowing themselves to live full and happy lives, they are somehow doing something wrong. You can’t control the situation you are in and you don’t deserve to keep tormenting yourself with painful emotions. If guilt is a cause of your re-experiencing of your loss, focus on that and ways to let go of that guilt.

      My advice is a projection of my own experience and healing. Take the parts of my advice that works for you and ignore what doesn’t. Good luck in your healing.

      • Molly
        September 17, 2016 at 11:53 PM

        healing really takes a long time. and each person does it in his/her own way. The ones that turn to alcohol well all they get is a hangover. yes find some thing for yourself weather it is a sport of the gym or writing in a journal just find yourself it will help.

    • Molly
      September 16, 2016 at 9:57 PM

      H Walter your story is extremely sad. I hope so days you cry that is one to sort of take off the pressure. Yes the small boys are gone for sure but am confident that there will be a day that they will look for be sure your heart if open and hug them tight . Hugs do help take or yourself and be prepare for the day it will come

      • Molly
        September 17, 2016 at 11:55 PM

        Yes I agree hugs do help thank you have a good day.

      • September 27, 2016 at 9:49 PM

        Thank you, Molly. Your words mean a lot to me. Most days are pretty good, and I enjoy my time with my daughter and girlfriend immensely. I know I’ll see and hug my boys again one day.

    • Kevin
      September 16, 2016 at 10:45 PM

      I would meet a beautiful woman, fall in love and walk away and enjoy my life knowing I did everything possible for my children. You have no control over this…being destroyed by it is psychotic.
      There is your answer and you know its right!
      Remember, you have a right to enjoy life too and you have no guilt!

      • Ashton
        September 17, 2016 at 10:34 PM

        Well said, Kevin!

      • Molly
        September 17, 2016 at 11:59 PM

        Kevin your right I have the right to a good life. I screwed up and married a narcissistic type of personality who is an alcoholic and he does not work a program he knows everything smartest man in the world —- thank you for you comments have a good day.

      • September 27, 2016 at 9:46 PM

        Hi Kevin, thank you for the comment! I have met a beautiful and wonderful woman who is very good to me, and good to my daughter as well! I try to continue on with enjoying life, but missing my boys becomes too much sometimes. As much as I wish i could just walk away, I can’t seem to do it.
        Most days are pretty good though, and I enjoy my time with my daughter and girlfriend immensely. 🙂

      • Molly
        October 8, 2016 at 11:08 PM

        Hi Walter it is good that you have met a lady and that their is some joy in your life. It is hard to fine joy when a evil person is knocking on the door— my oldest son and my daughter the youngest of 5 do not have anything to do with me. My son got married 5 years and I was told by him to stay away and no invitation came. Gee would a person think his dad is behind this oh yes. Gee the ex is running for mayor of a small town okay he is rather lose with his mouth and many times as stay thing he should not have but then be major he will have power and that is all he wants in life is power. take care

    • Jean
      September 21, 2016 at 5:31 PM

      I am so glad I found this website. Well, glad on one hand that I know I’m not crazy and when I read some descriptions of alienation and alternators, I can say Yes (check, check, check) and on down the line. But very sad when I read things and realize that my kids may be emotionally damaged and alienated from me for life.
      I am appreciative of the honest suggestions posted by parents. Please say a prayer for me as I oppose (hopefully final) court day next week.

      • Molly
        September 26, 2016 at 11:36 PM

        Jean you are perfectly right — this web is the best thing that has happen for me in a very long time. A person needs to tell there stories over and over again. In the community I live in there is no Parent Alienation group — I think there might be in the larger cities look for support groups do help. have a good day.

      • Molly
        February 28, 2017 at 8:59 PM

        that is sad to have to go to court. I did not and is it better no my ex is a extremely manipulator and get this I went to Cooks island for 2 weeks I email my son the middle child that has to carry all the baggage when I came home I phoned him and he did not believe I travelled to Cook’s his dad was behind all of this manipulation this one is hard to u understand in addition it is done of my ex business. He has turned 70 and most people get really ugly when they get old, this is some thing to look forward to.

  188. BigC
    September 25, 2016 at 10:36 PM

    I just started through this – we have had a 8 yr access agreement in place that has worked quite well no issues. I have a 11 yr old daughter and recently in April 2016 I got remarried. The mother has not taken this well and over the summer holiday slowly started to alienate my daughter from me…..culminating in preventing access when school started in September. I approached the mother for explanation and she played the role of not interfering and that this was all my daughter’s actions. After 1 month of missed and prevented access I went to my lawyer who filed for intervention from the court and to appoint a child specialist psychologist to conduct a investigation and report to the court with facts, we had a specialist with a background in parental alienation appointed to conduct the report expected in 6 months. In the meantime we asked for a $5000 fine and that the access order be changed to where I pick up the child from school and no other person is permitted to pick up the child on my access days. We also had in the meantime before the report is completed asked that the court order our daughter attend weekly counselling with again a professional who had experience in dealing/repairing alienation.
    Anyone dealing with this should see a lawyer within 1 month, who has experience in parental alienation – build a strategy like the one above and work within this system, the court wants facts and will act in the best interests of children when presented with them. Most judges have acknowledged that it is any child’s best interest that kids have healthy relationships with both parents. When the report comes back and if it shows the mother was complicit in alienating the child from me – the report will have recommendations on how to fix it including reducing parenting time for the offender, changing custody or removing all contact for the alienating parent…..we will see and I will update as I am in court next week!

    • Jean Dantzler
      September 26, 2016 at 10:52 PM